Sunday, January 20, 2013

Hopefully he will lose his trading license

Nice to see I have had so many page views this past month. I really didn't think anyone looks at it anymore since it's over. Which it is. I'm finally over him. He is such a bad person. He was caught by his client stealing lying and doing unauthorized trades. She has lawyers involved. She is trying to get his license revoked. I told her I had proof of someone else who made the exact same complaint. Not sure how that information could help... but he is going down down down. He is taking advantage of men and women in their 80's. What a lowlife SCUMBAG! Thank GOD I got away from him and got over him. In a year from now, my boyfriend will be able to adopt my daughter and he will be out of our lives for good. He is toxic. I feel sorry for the loser. He could end up in jail too.
Oh and apparently everyone in his old networking group knows about me and my daughter and everyone in his town. Except his daughters of course... because they will "never know" right? ha ha. What a fuckin joke.
Here is a picture of my little cutie brushing her teeth. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Still hurt

The past year...

Not sure anyone is even reading this anymore but I need to write on here because I really dont have anyone to talk to about my true feelings. I am SO hurt by this asshole. over the past year, he has done nothing but ignore me, fight me in court about paying, and hurt me more than anyone. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him EXCEPT kill another baby. Every email I sent him, he of course forwarded to his lawyer. And his friend was spying on me printing out pictures of me and the baby and my new bf from facebook. He ended up paying my lawyer fee, paying me back for daycare, and paying me back for dr bills. A total of around $10,000. He came to meet the baby one time a week before her first birthday. He thought he was being generous I guess by giving me a check for her for $300 for her birthday. Then I havent heard a single word from him. When he left he wasnt sure if he was gonna see her again or if that was it. Told me he needed time to process it all.

What exactly am I missing?

Last night I was thinking about it and about him and I was sad. I missed him. I dont know why. I know its over and when he came to see her we talked and I felt like I had closure and he said he was happy for me that i was happy but I still fucking miss him!! I do love my boyfriend. And since I saw him last and had that closure (I thought it was closure) I feel like I was set free to be really happy with my boyfriend. But something happened to make me miss him. I sent him a text and he never responded. Then today I decided to snoop in his email. I knew I'd get upset if i did it by what I would see but I did it anyway. Sure enough, he had forwarded every single one of my emails to his lawyer. He cant be trusted at all.  I love how he said before he left "I'm not a bad person" yet he gives me no money.
I had told him that my bf was gonna adopt her when she was 2 and I guess that meant he is off the hook. Even though that's a year away. I'm afraid that when his daughters find out and want to know her he will change his mind and want to know her. And will have screwed me out of that money all this time. Then again I did read his emails from his lawyer's office. He owes them $14,000. He incurred interest charges for not paying anything yet. He obviously has no money.


I believe in karma. I told him off in an email and the last words I wrote were: good luck with your karma.
2 weeks later he was in a bad biking accident. he fell off his mountain bike going around a curb, landed on his shoulder, slid under a moving car but didnt get hit. tore his rotater cuff and dislocated his shoulder. ha ha good. you deserve a lot worse.
He doesnt even support his child!!! He is a jewish white broker living in an upscale snotty town. the unemployed ghetto baby daddy's do more than he does. but he is a goo dperson right? yeah.. no.

Something interesting...

When i saw him he wasnt wearing his wedding ring. i asked him how that was going and he said "if I'm not wearing a wedding ring, how do you think its going?" apparently he wasnt wearing it for months.

I want to post on the livingston patch online newspaper pictures of my daughter and something about how she is his and he refuses to pay child support. something like that. But I feel like God will take care of it. I dont want to reap that karma.

Anyway here is a picture of this beauty. She has done 4 modelling jobs and is appearing tonight on the Bio channel on a show called "My little Terror."
Her Halloween/birthday outfit: Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's

Friday, May 11, 2012


After over a year of no communication, I finally had to face him at court about a month ago. We only went to see the mediator. My boyfriend came with me. I really need to blog about him... i will in another post.

As I sat in the hallway with my lawyer on my right, and the bf on the left, I was a nervous wreck. Neither his lawyer or he had arrived. My lawyer kept asking me "is that him?" Each time I looked over my heart raced as it was not him. Finally, the elevator door opened and time stopped. He came out of the elevator as if nothing had happened this past year. He was wearing his typical blue shirt and a tie I have never seen. As you all know I was pretty engulfed in his life and knew every detail of his body, his smell, the little hair that stuck straight out from his eye brow that I would beg him to let me pluck. So naturally I knew every tie he had and especially every pair of pants that hugged his ass the way I loved.

He was carrying a briefcase for God knows why.. he didn't bother to bring his tax return or pay stubs! All the anxiety I was flooded with seemed to dissipate when we made eye contact. It was as if we were right back to where we left off over a year ago before he started hating me. I thought to myself "I was afraid of HIM?" He had this obnoxious smirk on his face as if he was thinking "wait til you see what cards are in my hand" Please. The bottom line is, I need help financially, you are the father, end of story. You need to pay what you are legally supposed to pay. I have said it numerous times, I am not looking to bankrupt him, cause misery or destruction upon him, or seek revenge. All I want is for him to do is take responsibility and WANT to help. Ok so obviously we know he is selfish and that's a far cry but thats my desire. My daughter is amazing and I am dreading the day she asks "why doesn't my daddy want anything to do with me?"

So back and forth we go in the room with the mediator. First the lawyers. My lawyer brings out "joint custody" papers. At first I was disappointed and scared. Then as I thought about it, I was happy. Happy that he wanted to be in her life so she doesn't have to face that rejection. As the hours passed I realized it was just a ploy to pay less child support. Then I wanted to cry. Not only have you abandoned me, harassed me, tried to get me fired, and completely denied your child, but now you are using my daughter as an angle for your selfish gain? you bastard! Back and forth we went in to the office attempting to "negotiate." He of course said he made less than what he did so being the merciful empathetic person I am, I agreed to take a percentage of the figure he felt comfortable giving. You know he STILL wasn't happy with that? He wanted to pay much less. A little over half of what he really should be paying based on his income. Okay, so he is in sales. Commissions are never steady. This year probably wont be as much as last year. And I was willing to work with that! But he still couldnt agree. I said "forget it then... I'll see you in court." I thought to myself, he just screwed himself because when the judge hears what he has done, he will have NO MERCY.

Since then no contact. No money. No good faith check or money. Nothing. Nothing since Last March.
Until yesterday. Hmm... court is June 7th and all of a sudden I get 2 phone calls. I responded to his voice mail with a text: if this is about the child you want nothing to do with, you need to speak to your lawyer not me. I called my lawyer. He told me to NOT speak to him and if he calls again, he would call his lawyer and to tell my HR person. I responded with "ok but I really don't want to be enemies with him" and my lawyer seemed pretty annoyed. He begrudgingly said "I cant force you to not call him, but I can legally advise you to not call him back," followed by a quick goodbye.

His text messages consisted of phrases like "I want to do what is fair for R" and "I would like to see R as soon as possible" and "I am sending you a good faith check next week."  oh so now you refer to her by her name instead of "IT?" I wanted to say that so badly. I wanted to say A LOT of things! The last thing he said was "Its taken me A LOT of time and A LOT of therapy to get over the shock of this. I meant everything I said." SO now I dont know what to do. Everyone has their opinion. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment and pain, but I also dont want to continue to be enemies. If he really wants to see her, he will love her I'm sure, and I dont want to be enemies with someone I will have to face for the next 22 years. And longer if he chooses to be a part time dad to her.

Now my head is spinning. What is the deal with his pathertic wife who stays with him? He told the mediator they were on the fritz, but that could be a lie. Most things he has said are lies. What happens if old emotions stir up? On either of our ends. My boyfriend is planning on moving in with me to help me with my bills in a few weeks! How will this visiting Rachel shit work out? I cant trust the jackass. He is not an honest person. I want what is best for Rachel which I do believe is parents who get along. THAT is better than more money. And how will he react to my boyfriend living with me? The biggest fear I have is that he will try to take Rachel from me. Or that he will manipulate me by being "nice" and using it for his gain to get what he wants to be a vengeful spiteful bastard. He does still scare me. I dont know what to do. I will continue to pray about it. I have prayed with my daughter for him many times. MANY times. Even cried as I felt his pain asking God to change his heart. So either his heart really is softening, or its another tactic because court is coming up. Either way, he has the right to see his daughter. He has thrown me for a loop. This sucks.   

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Last Year's Valentine's Day

So here is the update. Paternity test=99.9% douchebag IS the biological father. oh guess what, he owes 4 months child support. my lawyer told him he can either start paying now or pay a VERY LARGE sum when we go to court. I wouldnt be surprised if he demands a paternity test with the dominican guy since he is in complete denial. People at work are constantly asking me if he has tried to contact me, given me any money, seen the baby or even pictures of her, etc. NOPE NOPE NOPE and NOPE.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My Valentine Card

The last things MM said to me as he said goodbye for a week was: "When you miss me, reread my card! i meant every word I said. I love you"

So I am going to write the card so you can get a glimpse of how he feels about me. You all know how I feel about him...

"Ok. Where do I start? You having entered my life two and a half years ago has changed it in oh so many ways. First off, you have made me stop and view the world in ways I never knew existed. You've made me have a kinder, gentler heart when I would normally have a colder heart with less feeling. You've made me realize that theres a much bigger world out there than the one I probably thought mostly revolved around me. Youve taught me about giving to others, and made me realize just how selfish I could be. You've also allowed me to realize the importance of spirituality, and how there is a greater power that that guides our thoughts and actions. I NEVER would have tapped into these things without you.  I'm sorry that I dont say this enough, but you have changed my life in so many special ways, and you need to always remember that.  You've created bright, vibrant colors to my life, where before there was a dark and dullness. You just have no idea how much you've opened my mind and eyes to see and experience things I never knew existed before I met you.
Most important of all, though, is that I have NEVER had someone who has loved me and cared for me the way you have. And there are so many times when I tell myself that I dont deserve to have someone like you that cares so deeply for me the way you do. You have no idea how special you make me feel, how loved you make me feel.  You have shown me a depth of LOVE that just simply and absolutely blows me away. (drew a heart here)  Honestly, I'd be lucky if i give you back a tenth of the love that you give to me.  You need to know from the bottom of my heart, that I try to give you everything I can possibly give. And, I've said, you've pulled things out of me, and have touched me in places that i never knew existed. You have no idea how special and incredible that has made me feel. I can only hope that I have done the same for you.
You will always hold a special place in my heart. ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU (AND WILL ALWAYS)"
(and signed his name)

the only part i dont like is the last part "you will always hold a special place in my heart" it sounds as if he will never be with me but will always remember and love me. But when I mentioned that he'll never be with me he corrected me and told me about the separation. It would be so nice to be with him. With all his baggage and the mess of a life we have made for ourselves... I'd rather have that with someone I am in love with, than someone with no baggage who I dont love.

read my post from last year's Valentine's Day and it made me cry. How could he hate me after this by the birth of the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world?

Monday, January 2, 2012

paternity test

I took the paternity with the baby last Friday. He agreed to pay for it on the grounds that if it was proven she is not his, I will pay him back. I agreed to do that because i am certain she is his. He is not only paying for the test, but for the guy to come to me and him. so stupid. whatever.

we will know by this friday. well, i already know. it will just be confirmed. then he will have to pay a hell of a lo of moey. for anyone who is reading this that has been reading for a while should know how i felt about him. and how much i loved the idiot. it really broke my heart how e reacted. i completely understand his point of view though. i know he is the one who is devastated here. he has to pay money he cant afford, had to tell his widfe, eventually his family and friends and daughters will find out. and i know everyone reminds me how horrible he as to me but as usual i put his feelings before mine. i hate to see him suffering. and everyone tells me hes not suffering and to NOT feel sorry for him but how do you stop worrying or caring about someone you were so in love with? i mean its not like i want to make him happy anymore. i just dont want him to suffer. and live in his own hell paying for his mistakes. i hope he can find a way to get through this and his stupid wife if she wants to support him, helps him get through it.

i wonder if he will want to be involved in her life. i think so. eventually. i also wonder how long his wife will stay with him. i hope she does actually. but i am definitely afraid of them trying to take custody of my baby. that scares me. that thought just reminded me why i friggin hated him. and how stupid i am to feel sorry for him! i wouldnt put anyhting past him. he doesnt care about me or think about me and yet again here i am like acomplete moron worrying about his stupid ass! STOP!!!!!!!! JUST STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM! how can I amke myself STOP feeling fucking bad for him???

anyway i start work tomorrow. i have to go back to the hell hole. im praying i find a nanny job soon so i can be with my baby. at least for the next year or two. it will all work out the way its supposed to. i would love to post a picture of my beautiful baby but shes way too gorgeous. now im paranoid someone would try to steal her.

2012 will be a much better year. douchebag will be forced to help me financially, i plan on moving in with the bf who remember was my best friend and has been there for me this whole time, and i hope to get a new job. i can finally be happy. imagine that. unless the asshole continues to try and make me "pay" for his misery and HIS mistakes.

ill post when the paternity test results come back.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Halloween Baby... Very Ironic

My "lil punkin" came on Halloween. This day couldnt have been more ironic. I believe God created this child with a plan a purpose a destiny and she would bring joy comfort and peace to many. She has already brought my family together, my friends, my relationships, and brought out the evil one's true colors. We are yet to see what happens to him. Yet to see his sin unfold before his family and friends. He is struggling to keep the secret but all truth will be brought to light.

Halloween 2008.

We had just started to see each other. the first time we hung out he met me at a bar where i was seeing a band i knew play. The would let me sing. I drank so much that night he had to drive me home. I will never forget it. the guitarist wanted to hook up with me as well as douchebag, whom i then endearingly called, "muffn man" He drove me home and walked me upstairs. The room was spinning. He kissed me and I knew he wanted to have sex with me but I wouldnt let him. Because a. the room was spinning! and b. the guitarist was going to come over in a very short while. (Like 30 minutes) So i pushed hiom away and told him I wasnt feeling well and he knew it was because the guitarist was coming over. My phone was ringing. This was in Spetmeber.

The next time we hung out was Halloween. A coworker of ours, one we both liked very much because she was so sweet... who by the way left very shortly after because it is very hard to survive in that hell hole... was having her birthday party. Her birthday was Halloween. We planned to go see her at this club about 30 minutes away. I had just done my hair and got dressed when he came over. I then started to apply my heavy make up (smoky eyes and black liner) because after all, it was Halloween and we didnt have costumes. I remember we began to make out and things got hot and heavy. I debated with him if we should stay in or go out. I wanted to go out with him and be able to hang out as a "couple" and have fun, but I also wanted to get closer to him physically. so we decided to stay in. I even remember exactly how the sex went. I didnt like the way he kissed me because you can always tell how a man feels about you by the way he kisses you.  If any men are reading this, do you know a woman can tell exactly how you feel when you kiss her? Anyway, I told him to kiss me like he was trying to tell me something. "don't just stick your tongue in my mouth all horny and revved up to go, kiss me like you want me to know something. Like you have something to say and you are expressing it through your kisses" Well that didn't happen for about a month. And as time went on, I could feel the love he had for me from deep inside through his kisses. I remember when he was coming close to cumming i told him to cum on my face. lol. It was something I had only done once and I liked it. And douchbag was safe. I knew it would blow his mind and he would be game since he was a bored married man whose sex consisted of him getting off to a dead fish who had no interest in sex. I told him to jerk off in my face and cum on my face. I remember it was one of the hottest things I had done. I only and a couple lovers who would do things like that. And i felt very comfortable with each. He was all excited and I remember thinking "This is going to be fun to be freaky with him. He's up for anything and is excited to do all of it" And that it was. All of it. Everything was great. As long as it was on his terms and he stayed in control of when we saw each other and how much he would choose to invest homself into it. I'm sure he's regreting ever falling for me.
But the very day he chose to break his covenant with his wife, to betray her, was Halloween 2008. Anytime he would mention to me or anyone else when he considered us starting this so-called relationship was Halloween. He would always say, "well, Halloween is when we first started "dating" or some version of that. well isnt it ironic that exactly 3 years later your daughter was born? So now every year for the rest of his life, Halloween will come around and "haunt" him as he is reminded what a horrible person he is. I could imagine his thoughts are " I hurt my wife, I hurt my kids, I regret ever meeting her, she ruined my life, I'll never be able to afford child support, I pray she isnt mine." oh well... she is. She has his dimples. and feet. the rest is all me.

Pretty funny she was birn then huh? If it had been a random date like Oct 23 or 28, he could put it ot of his mind, but this way, he will NEVER FORGET! Sadly, he chooses to create his own hell. He could have done the honorable thing but I dont think he is capable of being hinrable about anything.

I was looking at the baby's picture and comparing it to his and all of a sudden I got a whiff of his smell in my mind. Suddenly I missed him and started to cry. I miss the past. Not him now. Now I just wish he would be civil and go to a DNA center with me instead of ignoring it and making it worse. He is in his own hell and wants to throw it oonto me. As much as I have thought about his stupid thoughts or missing him etc, I thought about the one he is hurting the most with his abandoning and rejection. My daughter. well, all three of his daughters. His 2 older ones will be hurt by his adultery and the little one, by his ultimate rejection. Unless he cant live with himself any longer and has to acknowledge her. We shall see.

In the meantime he is refusing to do a paternity test until I take the baby which pisses me off because i am absolutely not paying for it. He wants it, he can pay. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer. Maybe the court will order it and make him pay. Fuckin bullshit. He is an ASSHOLE! He is a child who has to play games and try to make me "pay" for "ruining his life" Fuck him.
anyway here are a couple more pictures. I am in love with this perfect little angel. Best abby ever. Content, sweet, cuddly, perfect.

October 31, 2011
8 lbs 11 ounces (I pushed her out in 12 minutes...)
21 1/4 inches long

a week old

one day old

also one day old

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm finally dialated

2 cm. if the baby doesnt come by monday, she is inducing me. its SO uncomfortable but i will miss feeling her inside me. So the douchebag is back at work. and my friend called me and told me most of the people are furious he's there and quite a few complained to the manager. the "manager" who is the worst fuckin manager ive ever seen, basically told my friend to deal with it, in so many words and that he is leaving when i get back. hes such a weasel. the second i leave he runs back. i really want to leave and let him just stay there. i dont even care anymore if hes there. i mean if i loved my job, i'd care but i dont. i was asked to send my resume to my friends brother in law who works DOWN THE STREET from me as a financial adviser. and he works alone. how great would that be. the only downside is he wants me to get my license. UGH. brutal. but if i can get paid to work down the street for someone who is actually an honorable person, who appreciates a hard worker, then great!

so remember my friend who got me the car? i never blog about him on here. im gonna have to start yet another one since this part time lover turned into my full time enemy. but my friend who has been here for me through this entire ordeal, who chooses to love me and be with me and support me and do everything in the world for me fully knowing i have another mans child inside me yet went to the ultrasound with me and bought me my crib and car seat/stroller/travel system.... he is the best thing that sever happened to me. (other than my daughters) i feel like all the assholes i loved with all my being, i have finally reaped what I have sown. everyone that meets him and knows him and I mean EVERYONE, tells me to marry him. especially my daughter. it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that someone wonderful loves me. i pushed it away for a year and he never left me and never gave up on me. he said i was worth waiting for. well, finally i have come to the point where mt feelings went from uncomfortable to comfortable as friends, to genuine feelings. we have NOT had sex, just fooled around 2 times and barely anything... but we have built it on friednship. i tell him i move him every day and i miss him when i dont see him. i plan on marrying him. i will have to blog about all the amazing things he does for me. like working overtime just to buy me groceries while i am on disability!!! and hes not even my "boyfriend." yeah, im gonna marry him. and have one more kid!! lol. he needs a boy.

as for the scumbag, i heard he looks awful and gained weight, aged, and looks depressed. GOOD. fuck him. i am the happy one, the blessed one, one at peace... he is in his dark cloud of misery and lies. Sad he could never be honest, and choose to do the right thing. ever. wait til he gets those bills. and projects his anger onto me. i just pray he leaves my baby alone. just stay out of our lives. and when my daughter asks him one day, why did you never want to see me? let him answer what a scumbag loser he is. and poor excuse for a man he is. maybe my friend/bf can just adopt her. whatever i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. as for now... i need to get this huge baby out! lol.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


I have 20 min to post a quick blog. I have a dr appt. Very frustrating. The doctors all predicted last week the baby would come as did I , and everyone I know! She still isnt here! My boss told em I am not getting paid a dime until I have the baby. I had the Dr send a note saying they wanted me out of work but i need to call the disability people to make sure she actually took care of it.

I have great news about the asshole at work. I am copying and pasting this so you can read again who I am talking about.

This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

Well... last week one of his clients called and long story short: he realized after comparing his bank statements to his account with us, good ol' "Mr. Overcompensater/Bragger" had been stealing the guys money! He told the client who is an old man who completely trusted him, "ill write the checks out for you" then also said "just make it out to cash" and went and cashed them all for himself. in 2 months alone he was up to $37,000 stolen. The other ones were more sporadic. Funny, he took hos girlfriend on 3 trips in the 2 months he stole the money. Plus had major duty work done to his house. He was fired and the investigation is still going on.He will lose his license if he didnt already, and if charges are filed and he is arrested, the charge is 25 years in prison. Doubt that will all happen but the best part is the client told me every thing. About how the company sent a limo to his house and the lawyers, compliance officers, managers, and the client went down to the fraud dept of the bank and proved him 100% guilty. isn't it amazing what these douchebags think they can get away with? stealing cheating lying being manipulative, using people, KILLING BABIES!!!!

The best part is that his dad called the office and when the girl told him he no longer worked there, he didnt believe her and thought she was stupid. This was a good week after he was fired. So she said ok sir, ill transfer you to our manager. HA HA HA! What goes around comes around douchebag. You know whats funny? He's the one who spread my personal life around the office and hes the one who became all buddy buddies with sperm donor and tried to play both sides. Sperm donors dad died about 3 weeks ago. He told the 2-faced asshole to tell me his dad died but he didnt. Instead he told another coworker, who told me. I felt so guilty for NOT saying anything and I was crying to my therapist for a good 40 minutes about it and she finally said listen if youre gonna feel this way, just text him something. So finally I did. No response. Who is the idiot now? Falling for his manipulation again. Thinking he has the power now because thats how he always was. Its all about being in control. God i fuckin hate him.  Now im worried he will be trying to use that against me.

His newest plan is not only trying to come back to the office to work while I am out on maternity leave but he is going to try and convince them (as he puffs up his feathers) to move me to the other office when I come back.  So he doesnt feel like driving an hour because its "too inconvenient" but its okay for me to drive an hour and a half and spend gas money i dont have and leave my newborn somewhere for 10 hours a day. thats okay! He is a scumbag! I am looking for a nanny job. Id much rather be a nanny and be with my baby than be in that hell hole. I dont miss it a t all. I just miss the pay check!

Anyway time for a shower and the doctor. Find out why this baby isn't here yet!!! the due date is actually Saturday so she is not late yet. But late for every one's predictions.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

work SUCKS

Well its 4am and Im wide awake. I cant sleep these days. I wake up every night around the same times. You can always count on 4:30am that I will be awake. I cant get comfortale when I sleep either. Im always too hot, or I want to sleep on my stomach, but mostly I am filled with anxiety because someone at work has upset me to the point hwere I am either IN tears, or almost in tears! These fuckin assholes are the worst people to work with. They are all miserable, they talk tdown to me like I'm an idiot, even though I get their work done, and they are just generally disrespectful. The girl on maternity leave has the worst 3 guys to work for. They are the ones who give me problems! They arent even MY guys!

1. Bipolar guy:
One day he's buying me lunch, being nice, saying thank you etc. The next day he's talking down to me like I'm an idiot. Right now he's in "nice guy" mode.

This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

3 Dr. Gloom
This one is the most miserable human being I've ever met. His negative energy is stifling. If you have too long of a conversation with him, you either want to commit suicide, or you cant breathe because his negative energy almost chokes you. Like a weight on your chest. Everything he needs you to do is a fuckin emergency! He will stand over you with papers talking to you when you are on the phone WITH A CLIENT I MIGHT ADD, as if the paper in his hand is on fire! God forbid you dont drop everything to hear what he needs. Examples of his urgent requests: to send a check out in 3 days from the time he is asking, to call a client to access them online,  or to do personal stuff for him. NONE OF WHICH ARE A FRIGGIN EMERGENCY!
The thing that upsets me the most though is that when I get say "ok but this is not an emergency, you could have waited 2 minutes for me to finish the conversation I was on" he then tells me, and I QUOTE, "you dont do anything all day anyway!" THen in his serious conversations he likes to have with me he tells me how I shouldnt be surprised if they let poeple go and I'm one of the first because I am not licensed and.. I dont dop anything all day anyway. How the fuck does he know what I do? He shuts himself in his office talking on personal phonecalls all day crying about how horrible his home life is. And one of the poeple he most recently spoke to? the douchebag himself! And the 2 of them ripped me apart. This mother fucker actually accused me of keeping the baby to steal doucghebag's money! WHAT MONEY??? Douchebag has asked payroll to NOT take out his federal taxes and state taxes for the the last 7 or 8 paychecks! I guess he cant afford camp and a 2011 BMW convertible and a 2011 new SUV Acura after all can he?

I love how he told me over and over "I cant afford to help you with this child." yet he pays $20,000 for camp, and 1150/month on car payments alone. That doesn't count the insurance, the mortgage, the bills, the clothes for his kids, the $400 watch he buys himself to do his triathlons, etc. I remember one time he told me he was bad at managing money, but I didnt realize he was that bad. I can see why he is a nervous wreck praying to God this isnt his kid so he doesnt have to pay. Maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to show off with a new BMW you cant afford? If he is making around 100,000/year and is NOT paying federal taxes for 4 months, how much do you think he is going to owe at tax season? And where does he think this money is going to come from? But the best is, its all my fault right? Everything is all MY fault bc I didnt murder another child.

Speaking of, I am getting really nervous! I am 35 weeks pregnant now. Full term in only 2 weeks. I am still just so exhausted thinking about starting ALL OVER AGAIN. My baby shower is this Saturday. The best part of that will be that my 2 sisters will be there, my mom, and friends from high school. Also, my uncle is coming to see us all. I love him. Thank God I have family support. I'm nervous also because out 60 things on my registry, only 7 were bought. I need so many things and I have no money for them. I have to use half my savings on the lawyer. The only thing that keeps me strong and keeps me going is remembering how when I prayed about it 8 months ago as I cried to God, I remember seeing His hand touch my womb and feeling as if though He said He planned this and HE had created the baby and created her with a purpose. I now think one of the reasons was to get me away from someone who was using me and leading me on. Someone who was wasting my life away and I was missing out on meeting someone else whom I could be happy with, because I was too busy giving my heart to an undeserving cheater. Which is why I am giving the baby a middle name that means "free." She set me free from a lying, cheating coward.

I need to really figure out what I'm going to do about a job, who is going to watch my baby, or if I'll take another baby in... I have no idea. I have to have faith it will all work out. But I am certainly not going to put up with these assholes much longer. 3 more weeks of work and I'm fuckin out of that hell hole. AT LEAST for 3 months.

And Im still wide awake... Now Im going to be exhausted tomorrow. Awesome.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Its coming soon

Well, Im 33 weeks now and the baby has dropped a little. Due date is Oct 15th but im full term in 4 weeks. I really think the babys coming soon. I had a dream i went into labor Oct 6th and the baby was born Oct 7th. The first day of Yom Kippur. The day of atonement. the day of repentance for all sin. Ironic if she came that day huh? My heels hurt, my stomach is stretching and that ghurts, but no stretch marks thank God, my boobs are leaking, I had a yeast infection, i have constant hearetburn, and Im exhausted. Its a blast!! But the cool part is I can feel her move all over and now I can feel actual body parts. Like her but and her feet and her back. Her head and hands are down deep inside me. Everyone at work was commenting today aout how i got really big over the weekend and how the baby dropped. Everyone is predictong 3 to 4 weeks for delivery which is actually what I have been thinking for a couple months now. I just had a feeling about it. We shall see if everyone is right. I reorganized my entire apartmetn and I am getting a crib put in this weekend. Next weekend the 17th is my baby shower and I will have to find room for all of that as well. This weekend I will again need to organize. The cabinets this time.

I started selling Mary Kay and I sold so much I have gotten pins and rewards, free gifts, and tons of recognition. All the directors believe I will be extremely successful. I just need to have more energy though. Which I will get in a few months. I love doign it. Its really not easy but its much more rewarding doing that than what i do all day. Stare at the wall, send checks out, and answer the phon for the same DAMN PEOPLE!

I have to figure out what I'm gonna do work wise after the baby comes. Anyone wanna order a painting?? They are custom made for the customer.!/pages/Ray-Jay-Portraits/181652211894831

Anyway going to bed. Im exhausted!!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

been busy... and so tired

I have been so busy working and being exhausted with this pregnancy that i have not had any time to write or even read blogs. I finally thought of a name for the baby.  I prayed about it and asked God to help me. I had a feeling He answered back and let me know it would just hit me. I had a strong feeling about the first name that she was a Rachel. I LOVE the bible story about Rachel and Leah and how Jacob LOVED Rachel and worked 14 years on her fathers farm for her. I dont like how they competed with each other and their lives revolved around men. One man. Jacob. But I do love Rachel. And my baby feels like a Rachel. It means Peace of God. And the middle name that was stressing me out finally hit me. My mom's name. Frances. It means free!! And it means From France. If you know me at all you will know I love France, I want to move there, and I feel like I am from there. So that blew me away when I all of a sudden thought of it and decided to look it up. I suddenly felt peace and the wieght and worry of a name lifted off of me. Rachel Frances. Sounds like the 1930's or 40's too. Why i like it even MORE!

I posted this on my sister's fb wall about the name Rachel:

I was just reading the story of Rachel and Leah. omg how sad their lives were back then. it revolved around MEN! my favorite was when Rachel said to Jacob: GIVE ME A SON OR I WILL DIE! and he says, "AM I GOD?" That's actually amusing. the pathetic part is when Leah is like "oh! surely he will love me now! i gave him 4 sons!" So Rachel, who cant be outdone by her sister, gives him her servant to more boys. And Leah does the same. I mean, how pathetic. their lives revolved around men! And they werent fulfilled unless their men loved them. Its about as pathetic as a wife who "supports" her husband when he cheated on her and was in love with another woman and never really loved her. How pathetic. Women need to focus on themselves and not men. (Thats what i am learning to do and I'm much better off.)

That last part was about the scumbag's PATHETIC wife who he DOES NOT love or respect! She has no respect for herself obviously. So what is she gonna do when the paternity test comes out positive? I dreampt of him last night that he was envious of me holding kissing and loving the baby. And he wanted to be a part of it but was still trapped in his "situation." Im sure thats how he will be. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Guaranteed he comes back like they all do. Who else did? The dominican and a guy from a year ago I went out with ONCE. They all come back. All of them. I dont know why they do, they just do.  I must be very different than other women i guess. I have finally learned from my friend Mike how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Now that I have seen this I will never be with an asshole again. And Dickface is an asshole. I would never want to be with him again. I hope he comes back and regrets everything and feels like a damn fool. And i'll remind him of all the horrible things he did to me and all the great things i did for him. I still think about all the fun things we did and all the times we kissed and stuff and how much i truly loved him. Then I think about what a pathetic coward he is and how horribly mean and selfish he was and how he said such hateful things about my baby and I say good riddens you scum.

Anyway I am 31 weeks now! In only 6 weeks I will be full term! Can you believe that? Well heres a picture of my belly. :)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

another letter from the lawyer

hes such a fucking cocksucker. i got another letter from my lawyer which was a copy of the letter he received from the asshole's lawyer stating he wants to hurry up and do a prenatal paternity test and how my lawyer should advise me to stop speaking about the asshole because i'm "harming his livelihood" or something like that. i dont even know what hes talking about unless its about when he tried to get me fired and i told my boss about how the woman he was using was someone who harassed me at work about getting an abortion, then they called him to tell him if he does one more thing he's fired... OR if the bitch who is on maternity leave went and told him what i said about him. i told her the story because i wanted her advice about what to tell my boss about what was going on. so not only did she know what was going on but she could hear my personal conversations. so it has to be one of those 2 things. my lawyer didnt seemed phased at all. he hand wrote back to the lawyer on his own letter "the test will not be done until after birth" and faxed it right back. that should make me feel better that my lawyer isnt phased but im still sick to my stomach. i just cant get over how he can be so filled with hate towards someone who did nothing but love him and give my whole being to. i just cant fathom it. and im so scared hes gonna do this for the rest of my life. well at least for the next 18 years. makes me feel like my life would be better if i drop everything.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No mercy

So heres the latest. I spoke to my lawyer regarding the nasty letter HIS lawyer sent mine. Apparently this scumbag is telling his lawyer and I'm sure everyone else for that matter, "the baby's not mine. She was sleeping around with multiple men at the same time and the last one wasn't mine either"

I cant even express how upset and disgusted I was. I have NO COMPASSION ANYMORE! NONE! I felt sorry for his pathetic ass? Now I couldn't care less. Wait til the paternity test is done and his wages are garnished. I hope nothing happens to him other than reaping 100 fold everything he's sown. I hope he continues to self-destruct. I have NO MERCY anymore!! Let his stupid pathetic wife who pathetically believes his lies and clearly has no idea what a liar, manipulator, and weasel he is, go be with him. One is more pathetic than the other!!

On a brighter note, you can go to my art facebook page and check out my art I am selling and "like" it if you like it. Its Ray Jay Portraits. Named after the baby: Rachel Jadon. I also am officially a Mary Kay consultant after using the product for myself and falling in love with it. I LOVE IT! My face feels amazing, the other women are so positive, and uplifting and encouraging.  I love the atmosphere when I am with them. I hope I can plow through enough to make good money from it.

So thats about it. Baby is healthy and strong and kicks and punches constantly. :) The princess doesn't like if my bladder has anything in it so she punches it until I empty it.

Thank you to the last anonymous reader who gave me good advice on protecting myself. I will do those things but I am not posting the comment so no one can see what it is you suggested. (for my own protection)  

Sunday, July 10, 2011

He makes me sick to my stomach

How do you write and say and do such wonderful things to someone you are in love with and turn around and side with your wife, and hate me and turn other people on me to hate me as well? I dont get it. His lawyer he got after my lawyer sent him the letter, is the fucking brother of the fat bitch who tried to get me fired at work! His new little girlfriend. His wife is so stupid too. I want to send her the letters and cards he wrote me and the jewelry he sent me and say "you must be the stupidest person. Do you really believe his lies? You think I just pinned a pregnancy on him? Do you not know that he made me have an abortion last year? And that he told me he wanted a trial separation from you to be with me? And that he feels trapped with you??? Why dont read the stuff he wrote me before you judge me and side with that pathetic lying cheater you have for a husband??? You are pathetic!"  I cant even tell you how much I despise them both. And these other losers who want to hate me when they don't know me either.

And all this time i have said how i feel bad for him and worry about him? He not only went to Vegas for a long weekend, but got a new BMW? Seriously??? UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please GOD let his evil ways come back on him! Please God, bring life to your words when you said "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!"  Let him get burned with his own fire and be my shield. Protect me when he tries to throw his evil daggers at me for greater is He that is in me than that weasel that's in the world!

He honestly scares me. He is filled with so much evil, rage, and hatred towards me, I have never felt hated by anyone before in my life. I was depressed all day because of it. I was nervous, couldnt sleep, and preoccupied all day. I hate him so much. And tomorrow I have to go back into the hell hole which i DESPISE for another brutal miserable week with all  the fucking assholes who think they are more important than anyone else! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Saturday, July 2, 2011


So the last 2 nights I had dreams about MM/DB. Two nights ago was a nightmare. I dreampt that he got majorly hurt 3 times. The first was a burn on his back, but it was his whole back and top of his butt. It was a serious burn though. Looking up what getting burned means:  indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are you feeling "burned out" or "burned up".I saw how bad his back was burned when he turned his back on me and walked away. And that means: To see a person turn their back on you, signifies that you will be deeply hurt. The second time I cant remember other than something happened to his butt again to misshape it. And the third time he and I were up really high on some kind of beam over a pool. He was  arguing with me and I was pleading with him to stop hating me and let me help him. But he kept running his mouth and saying words filled with anger and he was walkin backwards. I was trying to tell him to be careful that he was too close to the ege, but he wouldnt stop yelling at me to hear my warnings and he slipped and fell far down into a pool but he smacked the water on the pool and it misshaped his butt even more. He barely got out by the time I ran down to him. He was crying and I was hugging him. All I wanted to do was take care of him. But he refused me. He was too weak to speak and just cried but he managed to express somehow either by words or actions that he didnt want me around. I was not only heart broken but worried more than ever about him. This dream haunted me all day.

Mishsapes buttocks means: To dream that your buttocks are misshaped, suggest undeveloped or wounded aspects of your psyche. To fall: To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem.  The meaning of seeing him cry is very interesting:
To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

hmm... really? I am projecting my own feelings on him? Maybe. It would be regret and sadness that it turned out this way. Maybe I wish he would be upset ab US and not just his own life and his family. And that upsets me that he doesnt care about me the way I care about him. But how about the rest of the dream? Pretty damn accurate. I KNOW he is experiencing all those emotions.

Last nights dream was a dream where I was still in his life and he was nice to me. Well, I ean he let me back in after all this. I was at his house and he was telling me how unhappy he was and how bad his marriage had become but then I saw on the TV, his wife with his mother and sister all sitting at a Yankees game together having a great time laughing and smiling. He was supposed to join them. So I guess he decieved me again in that dream. Making me think he's doing so bad but really it was ok. Making me think his marriage was bad but really they were fine. Kind of like our whole relationship was. He made me think he would be with me but really had no intentions of ever leaving her. It was really sad. Maybe God is telling me: "he does not care about you the way you want him to. He is very angry, doesnt want your help, and is drowning in his own guilt and anguish. He has no inentions of leaving his wife so dont trust him."

I cant get over him. I cant stop loving him, and I cant stop worrying about him and caring about him. I know I probably shouldnt care about him but I do. If you ever read this blog when I talked about how I felt about him and saw the depth of love I had for him, you'd understand how I feel now. Now I wonder if it was all a waste. Well, maybe not. My baby girl will change my life and we never know what will happen in the future. Maybe he needed something like this to get him out of a miserable situation. Not saying he will be with me but he will be away from his miserable life and start a new one.  Maybe not. Maybe his wif will finally realize he is NOT HAPPY! DO SOMETHING!!! Anyway these are the things on my mind today. My baby kicks so much she wakes me up numerous times throughout the night and this morning at 6am. I dont mind though because I am constantly reminded how many women will do anything to get pregnant and still cant get pregnant. I am truly blessed and I am enjoying every minute of it! Plus, I am in love with the sweety.
Happy Independence Day!  I am so happy to be single and independant!!!