part time lover

paternity test

2012-01-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

I took the paternity with the baby last Friday. He agreed to pay for it on the grounds that if it was proven she is not his, I will pay him back. I agreed to do that because i am certain she is his. He is not only paying for the test, but for the guy to come to me and him. so stupid. whatever.

we will know by this friday. well, i already know. it will just be confirmed. then he will have to pay a hell of a lo of moey. for anyone who is reading this that has been reading for a while should know how i felt about him. and how much i loved the idiot. it really broke my heart how e reacted. i completely understand his point of view though. i know he is the one who is devastated here. he has to pay money he cant afford, had to tell his widfe, eventually his family and friends and daughters will find out. and i know everyone reminds me how horrible he as to me but as usual i put his feelings before mine. i hate to see him suffering. and everyone tells me hes not suffering and to NOT feel sorry for him but how do you stop worrying or caring about someone you were so in love with? i mean its not like i want to make him happy anymore. i just dont want him to suffer. and live in his own hell paying for his mistakes. i hope he can find a way to get through this and his stupid wife if she wants to support him, helps him get through it.

i wonder if he will want to be involved in her life. i think so. eventually. i also wonder how long his wife will stay with him. i hope she does actually. but i am definitely afraid of them trying to take custody of my baby. that scares me. that thought just reminded me why i friggin hated him. and how stupid i am to feel sorry for him! i wouldnt put anyhting past him. he doesnt care about me or think about me and yet again here i am like acomplete moron worrying about his stupid ass! STOP!!!!!!!! JUST STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM! how can I amke myself STOP feeling fucking bad for him???

anyway i start work tomorrow. i have to go back to the hell hole. im praying i find a nanny job soon so i can be with my baby. at least for the next year or two. it will all work out the way its supposed to. i would love to post a picture of my beautiful baby but shes way too gorgeous. now im paranoid someone would try to steal her.

2012 will be a much better year. douchebag will be forced to help me financially, i plan on moving in with the bf who remember was my best friend and has been there for me this whole time, and i hope to get a new job. i can finally be happy. imagine that. unless the asshole continues to try and make me "pay" for his misery and HIS mistakes.

ill post when the paternity test results come back.

Halloween Baby... Very Ironic

2011-11-09T16:50:00.000-05:00

My "lil punkin" came on Halloween. This day couldnt have been more ironic. I believe God created this child with a plan a purpose a destiny and she would bring joy comfort and peace to many. She has already brought my family together, my friends, my relationships, and brought out the evil one's true colors. We are yet to see what happens to him. Yet to see his sin unfold before his family and friends. He is struggling to keep the secret but all truth will be brought to light.

Halloween 2008.

We had just started to see each other. the first time we hung out he met me at a bar where i was seeing a band i knew play. The would let me sing. I drank so much that night he had to drive me home. I will never forget it. the guitarist wanted to hook up with me as well as douchebag, whom i then endearingly called, "muffn man" He drove me home and walked me upstairs. The room was spinning. He kissed me and I knew he wanted to have sex with me but I wouldnt let him. Because a. the room was spinning! and b. the guitarist was going to come over in a very short while. (Like 30 minutes) So i pushed hiom away and told him I wasnt feeling well and he knew it was because the guitarist was coming over. My phone was ringing. This was in Spetmeber.

The next time we hung out was Halloween. A coworker of ours, one we both liked very much because she was so sweet... who by the way left very shortly after because it is very hard to survive in that hell hole... was having her birthday party. Her birthday was Halloween. We planned to go see her at this club about 30 minutes away. I had just done my hair and got dressed when he came over. I then started to apply my heavy make up (smoky eyes and black liner) because after all, it was Halloween and we didnt have costumes. I remember we began to make out and things got hot and heavy. I debated with him if we should stay in or go out. I wanted to go out with him and be able to hang out as a "couple" and have fun, but I also wanted to get closer to him physically. so we decided to stay in. I even remember exactly how the sex went. I didnt like the way he kissed me because you can always tell how a man feels about you by the way he kisses you. If any men are reading this, do you know a woman can tell exactly how you feel when you kiss her? Anyway, I told him to kiss me like he was trying to tell me something. "don't just stick your tongue in my mouth all horny and revved up to go, kiss me like you want me to know something. Like you have something to say and you are expressing it through your kisses" Well that didn't happen for about a month. And as time went on, I could feel the love he had for me from deep inside through his kisses. I remember when he was coming close to cumming i told him to cum on my face. lol. It was something I had only done once and I liked it. And douchbag was safe. I knew it would blow his mind and he would be game since he was a bored married man whose sex consisted of him getting off to a dead fish who had no interest in sex. I told him to jerk off in my face and cum on my face. I remember it was one of the hottest things I had done. I only and a couple lovers who would do things like that. And i felt very comfortable with each. He was all excited and I remember thinking "This is going to be fun to be freaky with him. He's up for anything and is excited to do all of it" And that it was. All of it. Everything was great. As long as it was on his terms and he stayed in control of when we saw each other and how much he would choose to invest homself into it. I'm sure he's regreting ever falling for me.
But the very day he chose to break his covenant with his wife, to betray her, was Halloween 2008. Anytime he would mention to me or anyone else when he considered us starting this so-called relationship was Halloween. He would always say, "well, Halloween is when we first started "dating" or some version of that. well isnt it ironic that exactly 3 years later your daughter was born? So now every year for the rest of his life, Halloween will come around and "haunt" him as he is reminded what a horrible person he is. I could imagine his thoughts are " I hurt my wife, I hurt my kids, I regret ever meeting her, she ruined my life, I'll never be able to afford child support, I pray she isnt mine." oh well... she is. She has his dimples. and feet. the rest is all me.

Pretty funny she was birn then huh? If it had been a random date like Oct 23 or 28, he could put it ot of his mind, but this way, he will NEVER FORGET! Sadly, he chooses to create his own hell. He could have done the honorable thing but I dont think he is capable of being hinrable about anything.

I was looking at the baby's picture and comparing it to his and all of a sudden I got a whiff of his smell in my mind. Suddenly I missed him and started to cry. I miss the past. Not him now. Now I just wish he would be civil and go to a DNA center with me instead of ignoring it and making it worse. He is in his own hell and wants to throw it oonto me. As much as I have thought about his stupid thoughts or missing him etc, I thought about the one he is hurting the most with his abandoning and rejection. My daughter. well, all three of his daughters. His 2 older ones will be hurt by his adultery and the little one, by his ultimate rejection. Unless he cant live with himself any longer and has to acknowledge her. We shall see.

In the meantime he is refusing to do a paternity test until I take the baby which pisses me off because i am absolutely not paying for it. He wants it, he can pay. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer. Maybe the court will order it and make him pay. Fuckin bullshit. He is an ASSHOLE! He is a child who has to play games and try to make me "pay" for "ruining his life" Fuck him.
anyway here are a couple more pictures. I am in love with this perfect little angel. Best abby ever. Content, sweet, cuddly, perfect.

RACHEL FRANCES
October 31, 2011
8 lbs 11 ounces (I pushed her out in 12 minutes...)
21 1/4 inches long

a week old

one day old

also one day old

I'm finally dialated

2011-10-20T21:06:00.000-04:00

2 cm. if the baby doesnt come by monday, she is inducing me. its SO uncomfortable but i will miss feeling her inside me. So the douchebag is back at work. and my friend called me and told me most of the people are furious he's there and quite a few complained to the manager. the "manager" who is the worst fuckin manager ive ever seen, basically told my friend to deal with it, in so many words and that he is leaving when i get back. hes such a weasel. the second i leave he runs back. i really want to leave and let him just stay there. i dont even care anymore if hes there. i mean if i loved my job, i'd care but i dont. i was asked to send my resume to my friends brother in law who works DOWN THE STREET from me as a financial adviser. and he works alone. how great would that be. the only downside is he wants me to get my license. UGH. brutal. but if i can get paid to work down the street for someone who is actually an honorable person, who appreciates a hard worker, then great!

so remember my friend who got me the car? i never blog about him on here. im gonna have to start yet another one since this part time lover turned into my full time enemy. but my friend who has been here for me through this entire ordeal, who chooses to love me and be with me and support me and do everything in the world for me fully knowing i have another mans child inside me yet went to the ultrasound with me and bought me my crib and car seat/stroller/travel system.... he is the best thing that sever happened to me. (other than my daughters) i feel like all the assholes i loved with all my being, i have finally reaped what I have sown. everyone that meets him and knows him and I mean EVERYONE, tells me to marry him. especially my daughter. it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that someone wonderful loves me. i pushed it away for a year and he never left me and never gave up on me. he said i was worth waiting for. well, finally i have come to the point where mt feelings went from uncomfortable to comfortable as friends, to genuine feelings. we have NOT had sex, just fooled around 2 times and barely anything... but we have built it on friednship. i tell him i move him every day and i miss him when i dont see him. i plan on marrying him. i will have to blog about all the amazing things he does for me. like working overtime just to buy me groceries while i am on disability!!! and hes not even my "boyfriend." yeah, im gonna marry him. and have one more kid!! lol. he needs a boy.

as for the scumbag, i heard he looks awful and gained weight, aged, and looks depressed. GOOD. fuck him. i am the happy one, the blessed one, one at peace... he is in his dark cloud of misery and lies. Sad he could never be honest, and choose to do the right thing. ever. wait til he gets those bills. and projects his anger onto me. i just pray he leaves my baby alone. just stay out of our lives. and when my daughter asks him one day, why did you never want to see me? let him answer what a scumbag loser he is. and poor excuse for a man he is. maybe my friend/bf can just adopt her. whatever i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. as for now... i need to get this huge baby out! lol.

Updates

2011-10-13T12:01:00.001-04:00

I have 20 min to post a quick blog. I have a dr appt. Very frustrating. The doctors all predicted last week the baby would come as did I , and everyone I know! She still isnt here! My boss told em I am not getting paid a dime until I have the baby. I had the Dr send a note saying they wanted me out of work but i need to call the disability people to make sure she actually took care of it.

I have great news about the asshole at work. I am copying and pasting this so you can read again who I am talking about.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce! That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong. Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

Well... last week one of his clients called and long story short: he realized after comparing his bank statements to his account with us, good ol' "Mr. Overcompensater/Bragger" had been stealing the guys money! He told the client who is an old man who completely trusted him, "ill write the checks out for you" then also said "just make it out to cash" and went and cashed them all for himself. in 2 months alone he was up to $37,000 stolen. The other ones were more sporadic. Funny, he took hos girlfriend on 3 trips in the 2 months he stole the money. Plus had major duty work done to his house. He was fired and the investigation is still going on.He will lose his license if he didnt already, and if charges are filed and he is arrested, the charge is 25 years in prison. Doubt that will all happen but the best part is the client told me every thing. About how the company sent a limo to his house and the lawyers, compliance officers, managers, and the client went down to the fraud dept of the bank and proved him 100% guilty. isn't it amazing what these douchebags think they can get away with? stealing cheating lying being manipulative, using people, KILLING BABIES!!!!

The best part is that his dad called the office and when the girl told him he no longer worked there, he didnt believe her and thought she was stupid. This was a good week after he was fired. So she said ok sir, ill transfer you to our manager. HA HA HA! What goes around comes around douchebag. You know whats funny? He's the one who spread my personal life around the office and hes the one who became all buddy buddies with sperm donor and tried to play both sides. Sperm donors dad died about 3 weeks ago. He told the 2-faced asshole to tell me his dad died but he didnt. Instead he told another coworker, who told me. I felt so guilty for NOT saying anything and I was crying to my therapist for a good 40 minutes about it and she finally said listen if youre gonna feel this way, just text him something. So finally I did. No response. Who is the idiot now? Falling for his manipulation again. Thinking he has the power now because thats how he always was. Its all about being in control. God i fuckin hate him. Now im worried he will be trying to use that against me.

His newest plan is not only trying to come back to the office to work while I am out on maternity leave but he is going to try and convince them (as he puffs up his feathers) to move me to the other office when I come back. So he doesnt feel like driving an hour because its "too inconvenient" but its okay for me to drive an hour and a half and spend gas money i dont have and leave my newborn somewhere for 10 hours a day. thats okay! He is a scumbag! I am looking for a nanny job. Id much rather be a nanny and be with my baby than be in that hell hole. I dont miss it a t all. I just miss the pay check!

Anyway time for a shower and the doctor. Find out why this baby isn't here yet!!! the due date is actually Saturday so she is not late yet. But late for every one's predictions.

work SUCKS

2011-09-15T04:56:00.000-04:00

Well its 4am and Im wide awake. I cant sleep these days. I wake up every night around the same times. You can always count on 4:30am that I will be awake. I cant get comfortale when I sleep either. Im always too hot, or I want to sleep on my stomach, but mostly I am filled with anxiety because someone at work has upset me to the point hwere I am either IN tears, or almost in tears! These fuckin assholes are the worst people to work with. They are all miserable, they talk tdown to me like I'm an idiot, even though I get their work done, and they are just generally disrespectful. The girl on maternity leave has the worst 3 guys to work for. They are the ones who give me problems! They arent even MY guys!

1. Bipolar guy:
One day he's buying me lunch, being nice, saying thank you etc. The next day he's talking down to me like I'm an idiot. Right now he's in "nice guy" mode.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce! That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong. Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

3 Dr. Gloom
This one is the most miserable human being I've ever met. His negative energy is stifling. If you have too long of a conversation with him, you either want to commit suicide, or you cant breathe because his negative energy almost chokes you. Like a weight on your chest. Everything he needs you to do is a fuckin emergency! He will stand over you with papers talking to you when you are on the phone WITH A CLIENT I MIGHT ADD, as if the paper in his hand is on fire! God forbid you dont drop everything to hear what he needs. Examples of his urgent requests: to send a check out in 3 days from the time he is asking, to call a client to access them online, or to do personal stuff for him. NONE OF WHICH ARE A FRIGGIN EMERGENCY!
The thing that upsets me the most though is that when I get say "ok but this is not an emergency, you could have waited 2 minutes for me to finish the conversation I was on" he then tells me, and I QUOTE, "you dont do anything all day anyway!" THen in his serious conversations he likes to have with me he tells me how I shouldnt be surprised if they let poeple go and I'm one of the first because I am not licensed and.. I dont dop anything all day anyway. How the fuck does he know what I do? He shuts himself in his office talking on personal phonecalls all day crying about how horrible his home life is. And one of the poeple he most recently spoke to? the douchebag himself! And the 2 of them ripped me apart. This mother fucker actually accused me of keeping the baby to steal doucghebag's money! WHAT MONEY??? Douchebag has asked payroll to NOT take out his federal taxes and state taxes for the the last 7 or 8 paychecks! I guess he cant afford camp and a 2011 BMW convertible and a 2011 new SUV Acura after all can he?

I love how he told me over and over "I cant afford to help you with this child." yet he pays $20,000 for camp, and 1150/month on car payments alone. That doesn't count the insurance, the mortgage, the bills, the clothes for his kids, the $400 watch he buys himself to do his triathlons, etc. I remember one time he told me he was bad at managing money, but I didnt realize he was that bad. I can see why he is a nervous wreck praying to God this isnt his kid so he doesnt have to pay. Maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to show off with a new BMW you cant afford? If he is making around 100,000/year and is NOT paying federal taxes for 4 months, how much do you think he is going to owe at tax season? And where does he think this money is going to come from? But the best is, its all my fault right? Everything is all MY fault bc I didnt murder another child.

Speaking of, I am getting really nervous! I am 35 weeks pregnant now. Full term in only 2 weeks. I am still just so exhausted thinking about starting ALL OVER AGAIN. My baby shower is this Saturday. The best part of that will be that my 2 sisters will be there, my mom, and friends from high school. Also, my uncle is coming to see us all. I love him. Thank God I have family support. I'm nervous also because out 60 things on my registry, only 7 were bought. I need so many things and I have no money for them. I have to use half my savings on the lawyer. The only thing that keeps me strong and keeps me going is remembering how when I prayed about it 8 months ago as I cried to God, I remember seeing His hand touch my womb and feeling as if though He said He planned this and HE had created the baby and created her with a purpose. I now think one of the reasons was to get me away from someone who was using me and leading me on. Someone who was wasting my life away and I was missing out on meeting someone else whom I could be happy with, because I was too busy giving my heart to an undeserving cheater. Which is why I am giving the baby a middle name that means "free." She set me free from a lying, cheating coward.

I need to really figure out what I'm going to do about a job, who is going to watch my baby, or if I'll take another baby in... I have no idea. I have to have faith it will all work out. But I am certainly not going to put up with these assholes much longer. 3 more weeks of work and I'm fuckin out of that hell hole. AT LEAST for 3 months.

And Im still wide awake... Now Im going to be exhausted tomorrow. Awesome.

Its coming soon

2011-09-06T22:17:00.000-04:00

Well, Im 33 weeks now and the baby has dropped a little. Due date is Oct 15th but im full term in 4 weeks. I really think the babys coming soon. I had a dream i went into labor Oct 6th and the baby was born Oct 7th. The first day of Yom Kippur. The day of atonement. the day of repentance for all sin. Ironic if she came that day huh? My heels hurt, my stomach is stretching and that ghurts, but no stretch marks thank God, my boobs are leaking, I had a yeast infection, i have constant hearetburn, and Im exhausted. Its a blast!! But the cool part is I can feel her move all over and now I can feel actual body parts. Like her but and her feet and her back. Her head and hands are down deep inside me. Everyone at work was commenting today aout how i got really big over the weekend and how the baby dropped. Everyone is predictong 3 to 4 weeks for delivery which is actually what I have been thinking for a couple months now. I just had a feeling about it. We shall see if everyone is right. I reorganized my entire apartmetn and I am getting a crib put in this weekend. Next weekend the 17th is my baby shower and I will have to find room for all of that as well. This weekend I will again need to organize. The cabinets this time.

I started selling Mary Kay and I sold so much I have gotten pins and rewards, free gifts, and tons of recognition. All the directors believe I will be extremely successful. I just need to have more energy though. Which I will get in a few months. I love doign it. Its really not easy but its much more rewarding doing that than what i do all day. Stare at the wall, send checks out, and answer the phon for the same DAMN PEOPLE!

I have to figure out what I'm gonna do work wise after the baby comes. Anyone wanna order a painting?? They are custom made for the customer.

http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.271970982816019#!/pages/Ray-Jay-Portraits/181652211894831

Anyway going to bed. Im exhausted!!!

been busy... and so tired

2011-08-20T23:42:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy working and being exhausted with this pregnancy that i have not had any time to write or even read blogs. I finally thought of a name for the baby. I prayed about it and asked God to help me. I had a feeling He answered back and let me know it would just hit me. I had a strong feeling about the first name that she was a Rachel. I LOVE the bible story about Rachel and Leah and how Jacob LOVED Rachel and worked 14 years on her fathers farm for her. I dont like how they competed with each other and their lives revolved around men. One man. Jacob. But I do love Rachel. And my baby feels like a Rachel. It means Peace of God. And the middle name that was stressing me out finally hit me. My mom's name. Frances. It means free!! And it means From France. If you know me at all you will know I love France, I want to move there, and I feel like I am from there. So that blew me away when I all of a sudden thought of it and decided to look it up. I suddenly felt peace and the wieght and worry of a name lifted off of me. Rachel Frances. Sounds like the 1930's or 40's too. Why i like it even MORE!

I posted this on my sister's fb wall about the name Rachel:

I was just reading the story of Rachel and Leah. omg how sad their lives were back then. it revolved around MEN! my favorite was when Rachel said to Jacob: GIVE ME A SON OR I WILL DIE! and he says, "AM I GOD?" That's actually amusing. the pathetic part is when Leah is like "oh! surely he will love me now! i gave him 4 sons!" So Rachel, who cant be outdone by her sister, gives him her servant to ha...ve more boys. And Leah does the same. I mean, how pathetic. their lives revolved around men! And they werent fulfilled unless their men loved them. Its about as pathetic as a wife who "supports" her husband when he cheated on her and was in love with another woman and never really loved her. How pathetic. Women need to focus on themselves and not men. (Thats what i am learning to do and I'm much better off.)

That last part was about the scumbag's PATHETIC wife who he DOES NOT love or respect! She has no respect for herself obviously. So what is she gonna do when the paternity test comes out positive? I dreampt of him last night that he was envious of me holding kissing and loving the baby. And he wanted to be a part of it but was still trapped in his "situation." Im sure thats how he will be. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Guaranteed he comes back like they all do. Who else did? The dominican and a guy from a year ago I went out with ONCE. They all come back. All of them. I dont know why they do, they just do. I must be very different than other women i guess. I have finally learned from my friend Mike how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Now that I have seen this I will never be with an asshole again. And Dickface is an asshole. I would never want to be with him again. I hope he comes back and regrets everything and feels like a damn fool. And i'll remind him of all the horrible things he did to me and all the great things i did for him. I still think about all the fun things we did and all the times we kissed and stuff and how much i truly loved him. Then I think about what a pathetic coward he is and how horribly mean and selfish he was and how he said such hateful things about my baby and I say good riddens you scum.

Anyway I am 31 weeks now! In only 6 weeks I will be full term! Can you believe that? Well heres a picture of my belly. :)

another letter from the lawyer

2011-07-31T18:45:00.001-04:00

hes such a fucking cocksucker. i got another letter from my lawyer which was a copy of the letter he received from the asshole's lawyer stating he wants to hurry up and do a prenatal paternity test and how my lawyer should advise me to stop speaking about the asshole because i'm "harming his livelihood" or something like that. i dont even know what hes talking about unless its about when he tried to get me fired and i told my boss about how the woman he was using was someone who harassed me at work about getting an abortion, then they called him to tell him if he does one more thing he's fired... OR if the bitch who is on maternity leave went and told him what i said about him. i told her the story because i wanted her advice about what to tell my boss about what was going on. so not only did she know what was going on but she could hear my personal conversations. so it has to be one of those 2 things. my lawyer didnt seemed phased at all. he hand wrote back to the lawyer on his own letter "the test will not be done until after birth" and faxed it right back. that should make me feel better that my lawyer isnt phased but im still sick to my stomach. i just cant get over how he can be so filled with hate towards someone who did nothing but love him and give my whole being to. i just cant fathom it. and im so scared hes gonna do this for the rest of my life. well at least for the next 18 years. makes me feel like my life would be better if i drop everything.

No mercy

2011-07-14T19:50:00.000-04:00

So heres the latest. I spoke to my lawyer regarding the nasty letter HIS lawyer sent mine. Apparently this scumbag is telling his lawyer and I'm sure everyone else for that matter, "the baby's not mine. She was sleeping around with multiple men at the same time and the last one wasn't mine either"

I cant even express how upset and disgusted I was. I have NO COMPASSION ANYMORE! NONE! I felt sorry for his pathetic ass? Now I couldn't care less. Wait til the paternity test is done and his wages are garnished. I hope nothing happens to him other than reaping 100 fold everything he's sown. I hope he continues to self-destruct. I have NO MERCY anymore!! Let his stupid pathetic wife who pathetically believes his lies and clearly has no idea what a liar, manipulator, and weasel he is, go be with him. One is more pathetic than the other!!

On a brighter note, you can go to my art facebook page and check out my art I am selling and "like" it if you like it. Its Ray Jay Portraits. Named after the baby: Rachel Jadon. I also am officially a Mary Kay consultant after using the product for myself and falling in love with it. I LOVE IT! My face feels amazing, the other women are so positive, and uplifting and encouraging. I love the atmosphere when I am with them. I hope I can plow through enough to make good money from it.

So thats about it. Baby is healthy and strong and kicks and punches constantly. :) The princess doesn't like if my bladder has anything in it so she punches it until I empty it.

Thank you to the last anonymous reader who gave me good advice on protecting myself. I will do those things but I am not posting the comment so no one can see what it is you suggested. (for my own protection)

He makes me sick to my stomach

2011-07-10T22:16:00.001-04:00

How do you write and say and do such wonderful things to someone you are in love with and turn around and side with your wife, and hate me and turn other people on me to hate me as well? I dont get it. His lawyer he got after my lawyer sent him the letter, is the fucking brother of the fat bitch who tried to get me fired at work! His new little girlfriend. His wife is so stupid too. I want to send her the letters and cards he wrote me and the jewelry he sent me and say "you must be the stupidest person. Do you really believe his lies? You think I just pinned a pregnancy on him? Do you not know that he made me have an abortion last year? And that he told me he wanted a trial separation from you to be with me? And that he feels trapped with you??? Why dont read the stuff he wrote me before you judge me and side with that pathetic lying cheater you have for a husband??? You are pathetic!" I cant even tell you how much I despise them both. And these other losers who want to hate me when they don't know me either.

And all this time i have said how i feel bad for him and worry about him? He not only went to Vegas for a long weekend, but got a new BMW? Seriously??? UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please GOD let his evil ways come back on him! Please God, bring life to your words when you said "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!" Let him get burned with his own fire and be my shield. Protect me when he tries to throw his evil daggers at me for greater is He that is in me than that weasel that's in the world!

He honestly scares me. He is filled with so much evil, rage, and hatred towards me, I have never felt hated by anyone before in my life. I was depressed all day because of it. I was nervous, couldnt sleep, and preoccupied all day. I hate him so much. And tomorrow I have to go back into the hell hole which i DESPISE for another brutal miserable week with all the fucking assholes who think they are more important than anyone else! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Dreams

2011-07-02T07:22:00.000-04:00

So the last 2 nights I had dreams about MM/DB. Two nights ago was a nightmare. I dreampt that he got majorly hurt 3 times. The first was a burn on his back, but it was his whole back and top of his butt. It was a serious burn though. Looking up what getting burned means: indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are you feeling "burned out" or "burned up".I saw how bad his back was burned when he turned his back on me and walked away. And that means: To see a person turn their back on you, signifies that you will be deeply hurt. The second time I cant remember other than something happened to his butt again to misshape it. And the third time he and I were up really high on some kind of beam over a pool. He was arguing with me and I was pleading with him to stop hating me and let me help him. But he kept running his mouth and saying words filled with anger and he was walkin backwards. I was trying to tell him to be careful that he was too close to the ege, but he wouldnt stop yelling at me to hear my warnings and he slipped and fell far down into a pool but he smacked the water on the pool and it misshaped his butt even more. He barely got out by the time I ran down to him. He was crying and I was hugging him. All I wanted to do was take care of him. But he refused me. He was too weak to speak and just cried but he managed to express somehow either by words or actions that he didnt want me around. I was not only heart broken but worried more than ever about him. This dream haunted me all day.

Mishsapes buttocks means: To dream that your buttocks are misshaped, suggest undeveloped or wounded aspects of your psyche. To fall: To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. The meaning of seeing him cry is very interesting:
To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

hmm... really? I am projecting my own feelings on him? Maybe. It would be regret and sadness that it turned out this way. Maybe I wish he would be upset ab US and not just his own life and his family. And that upsets me that he doesnt care about me the way I care about him. But how about the rest of the dream? Pretty damn accurate. I KNOW he is experiencing all those emotions.

Last nights dream was a dream where I was still in his life and he was nice to me. Well, I ean he let me back in after all this. I was at his house and he was telling me how unhappy he was and how bad his marriage had become but then I saw on the TV, his wife with his mother and sister all sitting at a Yankees game together having a great time laughing and smiling. He was supposed to join them. So I guess he decieved me again in that dream. Making me think he's doing so bad but really it was ok. Making me think his marriage was bad but really they were fine. Kind of like our whole relationship was. He made me think he would be with me but really had no intentions of ever leaving her. It was really sad. Maybe God is telling me: "he does not care about you the way you want him to. He is very angry, doesnt want your help, and is drowning in his own guilt and anguish. He has no inentions of leaving his wife so dont trust him."

I cant get over him. I cant stop loving him, and I cant stop worrying about him and caring about him. I know I probably shouldnt care about him but I do. If you ever read this blog when I talked about how I felt about him and saw the depth of love I had for him, you'd understand how I feel now. Now I wonder if it was all a waste. Well, maybe not. My baby girl will change my life and we never know what will happen in the future. Maybe he needed something like this to get him out of a miserable situation. Not saying he will be with me but he will be away from his miserable life and start a new one. Maybe not. Maybe his wif will finally realize he is NOT HAPPY! DO SOMETHING!!! Anyway these are the things on my mind today. My baby kicks so much she wakes me up numerous times throughout the night and this morning at 6am. I dont mind though because I am constantly reminded how many women will do anything to get pregnant and still cant get pregnant. I am truly blessed and I am enjoying every minute of it! Plus, I am in love with the sweety.
Happy Independence Day! I am so happy to be single and independant!!!

the letter has been sent

2011-06-29T13:29:00.002-04:00

i haven't had time to sit and write, but basically last week this bitch client of his who is his friend, who had called me at work in march to tell me i am ruining his life and how i should get a abortion, wrote me and him an email basically trying to accuse me to doing things i did not do, and trying to sabotage me at work and get me fired. so i went to management and explained who she was and how she had ulterior motives. i had had enough of his games!!! i finally called the lawyer. and he sent him a letter that i know he is probably freeeaking out about. i was so sick last night and today with anxiety from it. i just feel so bad about everything even though i know this is his own fault and he made it a war, i still feel bad and worry about him like crazy. here is the letter:

dear mr. douchebag,

please be advised that i represent c. my client has informed me that she is expecting a baby this fall and that you are the father. please call me to make arrangements for you to pay your share of her medical expenses not covered by insurance and for you to pay child support. if i do not hear from you by July 15th, 2011, i will seek the appropriate assistance from the court and i will request that the court require you to pay my client's attorneys fees. if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. thank you for your cooperation.

very truly yours, the ruthless lawyer.

he has to be freaking out and furious at me!!!!

His emails from March

2011-06-23T21:49:00.000-04:00

I actually cried when I read these because it made me think of how he used to love me. Or so I believed. These are the emails we exchanged right after I told him I was pregnant and he screamed at me in the therapists office. It's so sad!!! Wh he has turned all of this not only into anger, but continues to deny his involvement as well as torment me still, is beyond me. He will never win. He tried to get me in trouble at work again. I will post that story in my next post. First, read these emails from him back in March.

March 11, 2011
From the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry about how the end of Wednesday's therapy session ended. As usual, my emotions about you got the best of me, and my anger came out more out of my own fears and feelings than anything else. I also realized, and of course I show it in the most fucked-up way possible, just how strongly I feel about you. And it scares the living hell out of me. Why I show my anger like that to the ones I care about the most is something I'm constantly struggling with and trying to work on, and I am truly sorry for how certain comments came out of my mouth. What I've also realized is just how much of a coward I really am, and how I don't even have a tenth of the strength that I thought I had. I'm sorry.

As incredibly angry as I acted in Dan's room the other night, the fact of the matter is that my feelings for you have not changed one bit. The reason I acted like a "lunatic", as you LOVE to call me (and probably very accurate) is that I am SO conflicted and SO confused and feeling SO tortured about my feelings towards you. You may think I'm a liar, or that I've somehow been "faking" my feelings for the past two and a half years to get what "I" want, but nothing could be farther from the truth. My feelings run so far and so deep, it is truly scary to me. Make no mistake about that. I have never been shown a love to me that was so deep as the one you have shown and given to me. If I have acted as though I take it for granted, I am sorry, because as I sit here writing this to you, I realize more than ever about the depth of the love you have shown, and I realize just how deep MY feelings have developed for you. I just want you to know this.

I'd like to write more to you later if you'd allow me. I gotta go for the time being.

March 14, 2011

All I've been doing the last two days is to beat myself up senselessly, and I sat in my office yesterday in an absolute complete daze. I'm sure I'll do the same today.

(from me)
All I keep hearing over and over in my head is "make no mistake! We

are done! Forever. I will never be with you"

That's enough for me to hear. You said it like three times. I have

never in my life been hurt so badly like that. Especially because I

have done nothing but love you with everything I had to give. But

that's what you want. So that's it then. We're done. There's really

nothing else to say at this point.

It's not a question of what I "want". Like I said, I fully recognize the depth of the love you have shown me, and, although you'll always compare your depth of love to mine, I have given you a depth of love that, as I view it from afar right now, is as deep as I have been able to have. But you have to know that how I said what I said in Dan's room the other night came out of the utter and complete torture that I feel every second of every day about my feelings for you, and how the torture in my own being has become too great, as well as the continued recognition of just how unhappy I am in my own life, and how fucking stupid and crazy I am to push away the one person who has done everything she possibly could to make me happy. I'm just a fucking completely pathetic excuse for a human being right now, and an incredibly cowardly person who is in a lot more turmoil than he cares to admit. I am not even half the man I thought I was. Just fucking pathetic. And all I do is think about you night and day. You can tell me all you want about "out of sight, out of mind", but, I'm honestly telling you that that simply is not the case. I carry around my feelings about you every second of every day. Make no mistake about it. And, as much as you have tried to make ME happy since we've known each other, I have, sometimes in admittedly very fucked-up ways, tried to do the same in return.

you do know that I've been tossing and turning every single night since last Tuesday, right? you do know that I'm not this cold-hearted person, and that i'm a person who is feeling as sick to his stomach as a person can feel in this circumstance, right? I can only imagine that it's probably only a tenth of the sickness that YOU have been feeling about it all, but please stop labeling me as just this cold-hearted person who could give two shits about you, your body, your life. it's just utter bullshit to throw those lines at me. you do realize that I have an itsy bitsy, teeny tiny right to feel upset and angry at the way you hid this from me, as much as you say you were waiting for the "right" time to tell me, and that you were trying to protect me, right? as fearful and upset as YOU are, I am just as equally upset. you need to know this. and alot of my thoughts and feelings, although coming out as anger in your mind, are really just alot of angst and fear on my part, fear of the unknown. to say to me "don't worry about it", to tell me that all i am is selfish, to say to me that all i care about is myself, is just simply not true. when you told me last tuesday night, my first gut reaction was to go right to the logic side of my brain, the practical side (maybe it's the financial advisor side of me, i'm not too sure), to say that, here you are, a brave woman who is constantly struggling to make ends meet, a woman who should be trying to make her life as easy as possible on herself, a person who needs to UNCOMPLICATE her life as much as possible, not complicate it more. i just don't get why you would want to add to your struggles. again, this is my left brain logical and practical side that comes out. i just want you to know all this. and i am not minimizing the absolute horror you felt about all this the first time around. I experienced first hand just how INCREDIBLY conflicted you were. My memories of that time period are just as vivid today as they were then.

And as much as you don't understand how i chose not to be with you, i equally don't understand why YOU are making YOUR choices. MY choice was really mostly out of putting an end to the sheer and utter TORTURE that you and I were putting ourselves through. and my anger in the session last Wednesday was more of a clear break of that absolute torture we were putting ourselves through than anything else. I wasn't angry at you, and I'm sorry that I may have made you feel that way. i mean, to see you shake and cry uncontrollably just ripped through to my heart. you have no idea. i just sat there silently, purposely not reacting, of course after my 3 or 4 second emotional outburst, because the level of my emotions were just too much for me to bear, I just couldn't think of any other way other than to sit there in silence. if you know me by now, you know that in moments of incredible stress, like it was in Dan's room that night, that my mind and mouth just completely shut down and grow silent. you are the exact opposite. your emotions were almost literally spilling out into that room. if you don't think that my heart was feeling as ripped apart as yours that night, you are crazy. I felt EVERY tear and EVERY shake of your body that night.

irony

2011-06-22T10:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday i heard from someone who is friends with the douchebag on facebook, that he recently made his status: can you believe weiner??" for those of you who do not know who that is, he held the NY seat for the House of Representatives. He was on some website posting pictures of himself nude, half nude, etc trying to hook up with woman, being married already.
First of all, DB has a lot of nerve posting that. i am surprised he didnt say something about arnold scwarzenegger! Who is DB to judge Weiner? Maybe you should focus on yourself you idiot!! And furthermore, doesn't he realize people know what he has done? reminds me of the bible verse "judge not, lest you be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you!!! matthew 7:12. Jesus said it. I honestly try to remember that because i am not perfect, who am i to throw stones? and honestly, sometimes i do it. we all do it. we all make mistakes. the reason it bothers me he was judging is because he is YET to take any responsibility for anything he's done. i mean he tells people whats going on with the story that he is a victim!! and his kids are innocent victims and how i am the evil one out to destroy his life. couldnt be further from the truth.
I would also like to point out that i feel bad for this weiner guy. he made a mistake and it was made public. he is obviously insecure and needed much reassurance from women. this is how i always get myself in trouble. i feel bad for all these men and all i want to do is help them, and make them feel good about themselves, and i end up getting hurt in the end. I try to look beyond the selfish stupid things people do and get past that to their soul and deep rooted emotions. Like DB. i made him so happy but as soon as my happiness had any importance to me, he started to try and destroy my life.
on a lighter note, i woke up yesterday and went to bed last night to feeling my baby kicking AND punching, both hands and both feet, like crazy! shes a nut! i guess shes happy! she does it all day and all night! i love her!!

confession

2011-06-17T22:59:00.001-04:00

Even though the psycho never ceases to hurt me or do something evil, i still miss the old him. the nice him. The one who smiled at me with love in his eyes. the one who made me laugh every single day. the one who let me go in his office and vent about the bitches i work with. The one who would tell me every day how I drove him crazy, or how i would be the death of him. Ha! Those words ring true i guess since everything is MY fault. I miss the way he kissed me and the way he would hug me with all his emotions. I miss the way he would get frustrated with me and laugh in surrender. I miss how he would buy me lunch every day. We would get in a raging fight and an hour later he was buying me lunch. I miss his hands and his feet and his smell. I miss the man i thought he was. I miss the man I pretended he was. Or thought he could be. I miss the fantasy of him i had. Now, even though I have his child inside me, I feel nothing. No connection. I don't feel a part of him at all. Shes all mine. She is God's mine, and my daughter's sister. She is a gift and a blessing and as far as I'm concerned she is nothing like him. She is my baby and I love her. I just wish he could have been half the man I pretended he was. It hurts badly.

ultrasound

2011-06-15T21:23:00.001-04:00

I went to my ultrasound yesterday, and the baby could not be cuter! At the hospital they give you 3D pics! You can see everything. She was kicking around like crazy! Flipping and punching and turning etc. The ultrasound tech was laughing and said she had to be quick with pictures because the baby was so fast. She said "you better get some running shoes for this one when she comes out because she is fast!" First thing that came to my mind: sperm donor is a runner. Runs miles every day and does triathlons. I said "good! maybe I have my little soccer player!"

Later in the day I remembered the dream I had. Her face pretty much looks like the dream. Then I compared the ultrasound picture to his picture and she pretty much looks just like him. 1. what a relief! she looks like him, which means it ain't the dominican's. and 2. I was right with my dream

She has this adorable little triangle shaped chin with a little notch in it. NOT MY CHIN! HIS chin to a tee! Also, her nose? NOT MINE. I showed the side by side to my daughter, grandma, and my sister. All of them said "oh my God, you're right! She is him!" My sister and grandma added "call the lawyer!" I said i will, i will.

And thats my news. Nothing else really going on. I'm just waiting for him to self-destruct and for his wife to get some self-worth and dump his sorry ass. She is pathetic. I mean, even more so than HIM! What a pathetic pair.

Oh! One more thing. When I posted the picture on facebook and the "born-agains" saw, they OF COURSE started asking questions! One lady sent me a video from a service where the singer had a prophetic song from God saying in a nutshell, "it doesnt matter what you've done I still love and dont feel guilty because you've only just begun. I have a plan for you and love you no matter what" I responded with "i dont feel guilty but thanks for sharing. I only felt guilty when I was at your church thinking I was never perfect enough." FUCK THEM! Oh my GOD they are even more pathetic!!! They all live in fantasy land. Get over yourselves. Including douchebag sperm donor. Loser.

okay, hopefully something more exciting in my life will happen to blog about it. Feel free to email anytime. The ones who have, I have enjoyed very much talking to you. I am going to blog soon about what to do career wise. I need advice and direction and help. I know there is no way I can stay home with my baby for 3 months and go back to that HELL HOLE! I need to figure out how to either work from home, or teach preschool part time on a very LOW budget and work from home the rest of the time. I dont know. I will blog my ideas and questions another time. in the meantime, I will go stare at my baby's pictures some more and dream about eating that little chin of hers and smelling her new baby smell. I swear they should have air fresheners called "new baby smell" just like they have "new car smell"

he never stops

2011-06-09T22:56:00.001-04:00

I am so disgusted with sperm donor that I don't even have the energy to blog about him. My therapist called me to tell me he called her yelling at her that she told me he was looking for a new therapist and I told my friend mike who told his therapist who then called the idiot! I don't like his therapist. He tells things that in my opinion, should not be repeated. He was trying yet again to manipulate another situation. have her say something to me like she can't be my therapist I dunno. But she said "he's self destructing and no matter how much he tries to destroy you and your relationships, stay strong! Don't let him get in between me and you, or you and anyone else that matters t you"

Remember when I blogged that he had called my daughters grandma who is like my mother to try and manipulate her to get me to have an abortion? To save HIS ass? He's crazy! He still is YET to admit to his own faults. If he can't manipulate me directly, he goes to my connections and my relationships. So desperate and so pathetic. I wonder if he sees the baby how he will feel. I pray it will calm him the fuck down and he will realize how stupid he's been. One can only hope and pray.

So I posted the picture I posted here on facebook. I have over 40 comments and 20 likes so far. Everyone was shocked and very nice. Some of the people asked the dreaded questions I don't want to answer like "I didn't know you were dated anyone. Who's is it?" My answer: a man. My sister answered back for me: it was an immaculate conception. The saddest comment I got was this: Congrats didn't realize you were in a relationship Hopefully he is a good man and will give you a great life.
Ha! Couldn't be more further from the truth! It was sad though because it made me think how horrible he's been to me. Oh well. I still have peace about my baby and I love her no matter what.

Anyway thanks for the comments. My daughter took that picture. I think I'll blow it up and frame it for her and my baby. Too bad I only have 3 pictures of me and him together. And Rafa- everytime you comment, I respond and you don't respond. Boo! Go back to the comments!

Can't think of anything else at the moment other than one last gripe that I can't comment on anyones blogs from my phone and when I can comment its anonymous. Ridiculous.

20 1/2 weeks

2011-06-07T23:10:00.001-04:00

I have a few things to share. Will post tomorrow.

is it true?

2011-06-04T14:32:00.001-04:00

So i was on facebook last night and the guy i went to Vegas with instant messaged me with this "is it true?" i said "is what true?" (as if i didn't know) "ur preggars?" i said "Yes, how the hell did you hear that?" "well i did a painting job at someone from your company's house and he told me." "what town?" "$(^$(* $*^$(*^ area" "interesting. how did it come up?" "i saw his Opco badge and asked him if he worked there. he said, yes, do you know people there? i told him you and (douchebag) and he proceeded to tell me the gossip." "how much do you know?" "the baby has down syndrome possibly and that you had an abortion a year ago, etc" "what the fuck??? i told like 2 people about the bloodwork and for the record the baby is perfectly healthy! what the fuck is wring with people?" "i dunno but that's good to hear. and Congratulations!" "thanks. so did this person also tell you how he harassed me so badly to get an abortion and when i refused he went psycho and they actually had to move him to another location?" "yes he told me all that." "interesting how this person knows every friggin detail of my life and couldnt wait to just blab it around" "well congratulations anyway!" "thanks!"

okay well... first of all, i asked all the assistants at work today who lives in that area. there are only 2 that we know of. one is our boss and would NEVER say that stuff. the other is an old gossiper who does nothing all day but walk around and chit chat with reluctant people who want to actually TRY AND WORK! So I'm sure its this guy. Second of all, I don't understand who has the audacity to tell random people our business! I mean, it's one thing to tell the juicy gossip of me being pregnant, but in my opinion it's another thing to cross that line and tell some random person about my bloodwork and the abortion etc!!! and how the fuck did he even know about the bloodwork? I told maybe 2 people that! Which means the people I thought were my friend are not. People just can't keep their big mouths shut! I have never seen gossip spread like this wildfire before. They may as well go public on the fuckin news with it! Does it make them happy to spread that? I can guarantee they never stop for a second and say to themselves, gee if someone did this to me how would i feel? Do I hate them that much to share their personal business to everyone and anyone without any thought about how it could hurt them or their families?

I cannot WAIT to get out of that job! I fuckin hate those people. I bought a series 7 study guide, dvd, online classes, etc to help me study while i sit and stare at the wall. I will use them to get my license and once December hits, I'm lookin for a new job. I'll work there for the last month after I come back, and I'm out of there. They can all gossip about someone else! Fuckin assholes. And as for sperm donor... he should be thankful he's in another location! I feel bad for him, but unfortunately he has been so horrendous to me, especially by trying to get me in trouble at work on top of everything, that I just have no compassion left for him anymore. Maybe a smidge... but it's all gone. All I can remember is the mean things he said to me, the blaming me, the time at the therapist when he yelled at "you will never be with me ever again!" It still rings in my ears. And that was when he thought he could still convince me of an abortion. That was the meanest thing he's ever said to me since knowing him. I just read some of his cards earlier. He said in one of them, that his tough exterior is just a cover-up for his true feelings. I'm sure that his hatred for me is a cover-up for his pain. I wonder if he still cares at all. I know he cares about his kids and how he has hurt them but I wonder how he feels about me. Or how he will feel when my little baby is born. HIS baby. I wonder if he came and apologized and all that, and kissed me how I would feel. Would there be nothing left? Or would I still have an ounce of love and compassion for him?

Oh well. It'll never happen and I have to stop thinking about him. We're over. So sad. I'm sad. But its time to focus on studying the next 2 months and get it over with so I can move on. And blogger won't let me comment on anyone's page without being anonymous. Just like Rafa had a hard time with. I wrote a long comment on a few blogs and each time i tried to post them, it deleted them! So I said fuck it. I'm done commenting! Have a great weekend everyone!

my day

2011-06-02T16:17:00.001-04:00

So here's a little breakdown of what I did today. (Thus far)
9am-arrive at work with terrible burning in my eye that I woke up with
I was in so much pain. I had a cold compress and eye drops but it didn't help at all.
9-11am-slept at my desk.
11-typed a letter that took all of 5 minutes.
1120-left for a dentist appt. Cleaning.
1240-returned to work and heated up lunch.
1-230-sent out one check. I can't really recall what I did here in this hour and a half other than made some popcorn, went to the bathroom, made tea, and went on facebook.
230-3 made my flyers and contact info and such for a craft fair I am participating in on sunday to sell my artwork.
330- argued with my daughter about nonsense.
335- I am writing this.
Such a fulfilling job isn't it? The place is a joke. No one else is working either. Maybe they do more than me... But since the psycho left, I have no work to do.

Did I mention the dream I had about the baby? If so, I guess I'm telling it again. About a week ago, I felt the baby kick with what was clearly her feet. Right foot. Then right left right. They were kinda hard kicks! Very exciting though. I have been able to feel her move like crazy. So that night I went to sleep and woke up at 430am when I usually do. I sleep on my stomach and woke up to feeling her move. I fell back to sleep and woke up to this dream I had that was so real I almost cried when I awoke. I dreampt my skin was transparent and I could see through right to my baby. I saw her little feet and legs as she kicked me. I also saw her tumbling around. Then she turned face up towards me. I saw her whole face! Head covered in dark hair and blue eyes. She looked up at me, recognized me, and her whole face lit up as she smiled at me and kicked her little feet. I almost cried in my dream as I smiled back and said hi! Then I immediately woke up and literally almost cried. She was beautiful. And she looked JUST LIKE HIM, but prettier, cuter, and a hell of a lot sweeter. I know women usually have these kinds of dreams later on in pregnancy, like 7 months and on, so this was pretty early. Now of course I got anxious to see what she really looks like! I was born with a full head of black hair, and my daughter was, so I'm sure she will too.

Yesterday a guy at work told me that he knows that someone called the sperm donor's wife and told her what was going on. Hopefully this person told her the actual truth. This guy that told me, knew the whole friggin story! The abortion, the miscarriage, etc. Which means if he spoke to someone who called most likely they knew it too. Hopefully... I hope she hears the truth. Not his pathetic lie. As far as I know though, they are still together and fine. And she "couldn't be more supportive!" I am curious however, to see how long she can stay with him through this until she can't handle it anymore. Hopefully she'll hear the truth. That he was in love with someone else and has been for over 2 years! Its one thing to forgive and move on with a one night affair. But not a 2 1/2 year girlfriend he loved on the side. Please. I don't even give a shit anymore anyway. He made his choices. He will suffer his own consequences and he lost me too. He makes me sick.

He tried to get me in trouble at work a week ago too! I sent his asst an email frustrated that he hasn't bothered to tell his clients I no longer work for him or that he moved locations! So the asswipe decides to forward it to my boss and say how "unprofessional it was" and how he wants her to "speak to me" about it. Go fuck yourself! She spoke to me and said don't use caps as to not upset him. Nice try you pathetic weasel.

One last thing to mention. My purse dialed him on memorial day. I noticed a half an hour later and sent him the following text: my purse dialed you by mistake. Don't worry I have absolutely no desire to speak with you.
He responds with "right" an hour later. Then because I didn't respond, he sends it again a half an hour later! "Right" I knew he was looking for a response so I gave him none. Had I responded, it would've been: "go fuck yourself you pathetic loser douchebag!!!" But I knew it would bother him if I said nothing. This way he would believe me when I say I have no desire to speak to you!!!

Welp, its now 415, and I have 45 minutes left to stare at the wall. Hopefully you all will have something interesting to respond. Ugh... Time for another nap.

venting

2011-05-24T12:58:00.001-04:00

So the girl who sits next to me was out yesterday and today. Not one person came over to say hi to me. And the reason that bothers me is because when she is here, 3 or 4 girls come over to talk to her, and include me to be polite but I mostly try to mind my business. Especially since any time she's not here, no one speaks to me. I know it shouldn't bother me, because they are all mostly younger than me and they aren't the type of people I would go out of my way to hang out with either but it still bothers me.

Another thing that really pisses me off and hurts my feelings is that the asshole doesn't speak to me. After everything I've done for him. He thinks I ruined his life, but its not my fault he reacted the way he did. And I did a LOT of things for him! Meanwhile he goes about his business and his days as if I was never a part of his life. As if I never existed. It really upsets me. It hurts a lot. He completely abandoned me and pushed me out of his life. Out of sight, out of mind.
Granted, my life is so much less stressful without him, and that's the best thing for the baby, but its still hurtful how he can treat me like that.

I am currently looking for a part-time job working with event planners so I can do it for myself full-time. I want to have my own business and my other businesses within that business. I could make so much money. And make my own hours. It actually excites me, which is great considering how depressed I am at this place. And about a lot of things in my life. I have a plan but I just need the confidence to go out and do it.

Speaking of confidence I finally realized that I am not "normal." Never was, and probably never will be. I was always independent and intelligent as a child, and never fit in. I was an advocate of equal rights since I was 2! If I was hungry, I didn't ask for food, I went to the garbage can, because I saw food being dropped in there. Other times I would just go for the things left out. I knew it was food, I could get myself, and I didn't need anyone! My brother was a year younger than me, and when my family tried to make me get off the bottle, hell no! If my brother had a bottle, I had a bottle. Same thing with diapers. I wasn't havin any underwear! If he has a diaper, I have one. This carried on until I was in high school. Everyone had a clique. There were at least ten cliques in my grade. I refused to be part of one because I refused to portray I was better than anyone else in any way by conforming to a "group." No matter what, I couldn't do it. And where did that leave me? Lonely. Home on the weekends alone while everyone else was out with their cliques. I still can't do it now. Even at work. My mom always gave me good advice. If you want friends, let people talk about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves. I tried it. Made me unhappy and unfulfilled to find "friends" who were self absorbed. All those friends I made that way, guess where the are now!!! As soon as I let the real me out, they didn't like me! I wasn't there for them at their beck and call serving them unconditionally, and I started to live my own life. A life that they didn't like. Dating a married man, drinking,dancing. They all abandoned me. I can understand someone having a problem with me dating a married man, but I can accept it. I would accept all my friends if they did drugs, were gay, slept around etc. I wouldn't want them doing drugs around me, but I wouldn't abandon them because of it. Its just so hurtful that people can't accept one another.

I just feel so unfulfilled and lonely. That's why I wish the readers were close to me and could actually be my friends. To go to lunch with or to even come see the baby! But I have come to the conclusion, as I said, that I am not normal. I never will be. And its ok. I just have to find some things I like.

I saw this painter last weekend who was amazing. You should actually google him: david garibaldi. I spoke to him after his show and he totally inspired me. He shared is story about following his passions in life. Art and helping people. Now he makes thousands and thousands of dollars painting and helping people raise money at charity events and fundraisers. It inspired me to follow my heart and follow my dreams. And I'll tell ya, none of them point to this hell hole I go to every day. I don't know what's worse. Going to a job where you hate the work you do, or having no work and staring at the wall. Yesterday I did my bills and filed them all for about 2 hours. Today I brought the bills I had at home so I can file them with the others. It BLOWS. At least I have my phone with internet access so I can post this blog.

Anyway feel free to share things about yourself on my comments. It doesn't always have to be all about me...

my dream

2011-05-19T10:31:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up to a nightmare! I dreampt that I had a half black baby! And I realized it was alejandro's the dominican's! Then I started crying and saying "I ruined (D)'s life for a kid that's not even his!" And I also didn't want the baby. But I had to keep the baby because my daughter would be devastated if I didn't. I ran away crying and couldn't stop. I was saying "I can't go back to work! I can't let anyone see the baby!" It was awful. And my mom was there saying "I told you so" and I could not stop crying. Then I woke up.
Then I had to again remind myself, according to my due date, I would have gotten pregnant saturday jan 22nd. Not wed the 26th. And that saturday, douchebag came inside me. Along with all the other days we had sex. Except that wednesday. I THINK. I remember it was incredible and lasted a long time! And he even commented it was because he was meditating. Also, that sat and wed I begged him to fuck me. The ONLY time I ever beg him is when I am ovulating. I am out of control horny when I am ovulating! And esp that wed when I thought I did get pregnant which I probably and may have still gotten pregnant, I was so horny and I remember him just bangin me so hard I was sore later. I was most likely ovulating then too.
Therefore, I think I just have that shadow of a doubt in the back of my head like I did with that amnio. And everything was fine!!!

Someone came up to me at work yesterday and whispered, "are you making this douchebag pay for child support I hope?" I told him how I want him to have nothing to do with me or be in my life so I am seriously reconsidering. He replied with some advice similar to what I've been getting. To put all emotions aside, don't make a decision on those emotions and to put the best interest of the child first. The child needs and deserves to have their needs met. Reminds me of the blog readers' advice as well as my friends and family. I'm just really scared to go to court, I DON'T want him and his evilness around me or the baby, and I just want him out of my life forever. He still scares me!

On a brighter note, a woman who works in my building whom I walk in with every morning and ride the elevator with, asked me if I was pregnant. I guess I'm finally starting to show after 4 and a half months! In a week and half I'll be 5 months pregnant already! Yet only half way through. Seems like I'm moving along but I still have aaaall summer to get huge! Ugh!
Anyway thanks again for the comments. I wonder what ever happened to EG.

got my anticipated phone call

2011-05-17T11:27:00.001-04:00

This morning as I was getting ready for my dreadful job, I had my phone sitting in the other room. I glanced at it as I walked by and noticed it was blinking. Its funny how we all get excited that we have a message on our phones but most of the time, its just some stupid junk email. But I check it anyway with hope that its something exciting. As I pushed the button, I saw "missed call" and looked at the number. The number to the hospital. Now I have been anticipating this call but to see it come up scared me. I blurted out "uh oh" and put the phone down. I stood there for a minute and debated in my head if I really was ready to hear the answer. I quickly succumbed to the curiosity and called the voicemail.
The nurse called, then the genetic counsellor. Both reported that the baby is absolutely perfect and completely healthy! Nothing wrong! Whew! What a relief! I was so excited I yelled out, "yes! Thank god!" I immediately sent everyone a text and called my daughter's grandma who is like my mother. She said she actually cried when I told her. Then I called back the genetic counselor to get confirmation its definitely a girl! There was still doubt in my head about that too! Lol. So I got it. Definitely, positively a girl! And definitely, positively healthy.
So now its time to start picking out girl stuff for my registry. As for the douchebag, I'm not even telling him he's having a girl. Or that his sperm created a girl, I should say. Screw the bastard. He's such a pathetic weasel! I really want him out of my life forever.
Hope everyones having a good day today!

is he fuckin kiddin me?

2011-05-16T12:15:00.002-04:00

So the girl who sits next to me at work is 3 months ahead of me in her pregnancy. She and I cover each other's guys when the other is out, or on the phone, etc. So when the loser and I were forbidden to talk to each other, she was doing his work for him as she was the only other assistant that had access to his accounts. Well... The whole time she was working for him, she would tell me how she thinks he should be fired, how horrible he his, how she has no pity on him, etc, but then flirt back and forth on emails. And I mean flirt like joking and being silly. Oh its just so cute!!! (Barf)
So now he's been gone for a few weeks. And he's clearly missing people here since he keeps asking everyone if they miss him. Except me of course! So her baby shower was this weekend. I wonder how he even knew about it!!! He emails her and says "just wanted to congratulate you on your baby shower this past weekend. Hope you had a great time!!!!! PS I hope you're not missing me too much these days"
Let's talk about this bullshit for a second. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FUCKING BABY YOU SCUMBAG!!!! If you miss it here its your own fault for being a psycho asshole! You are a scumbag low life who only cares about yourself! Why do you feel the need to be all nice to her? Espeeeeecially when you know DAMN well when I have the baby or the baby shower you won't want anything to do with it?? God I hate him. Seeing things like this makes me NOT feel guilty!!!
Her response made me even more sick: "HEYYYYYYY thank you!!!! It was very nice! We did have a good time it was a little cold but it didn't rain... Of course I miss you, there's no one to talk yankees with...speaking of I am no longer a jorge fan!! Lol JK how are you doing?"
The whole interaction made me sick. I'm sure she's just being nice, but don't talk shit out of one side of your mouth then pretend you like him out of the other side. So he answers back: "fine..." Then some other bullshit about seeing a game in box seats with a wholesaler from work, blah blah. Yeah he's fine. He can go fuck himself. Then I went to check his office to see if he threw away a present I gave him from vegas. It was a little bag with dice that read "douchebag's casino" and craps chips. We actually played it in his office. It was fun! We rolled the dice, bet the chips etc. Well sure enough it was in the trash. I took them and the plants I gave him back to my desk. Uuuuggghhh!!!! God I hate him! I wanted to text him and say "someone threw your vegas present away by accident." Or something like that. But he's not worth my text.
I am seriously reconsidering taking him to court and having him involved in any way whatsoever with this baby. I really don't want him to be any part of the baby's life or mine. I don't want him to think he has any right or say in anything I do or anything pertaining to the baby. I want him to always wonder but not actually know. He's too evil. I can't express enough how much I hate him.
Also, I called the genetic counselor. No results yet. If the results are positive, I'm takin his ass to court. If not, I have to think about it. And thank you so much for all the encouragement and kind words from everyone! :) and to rafa for aways commenting.

big surprise

2011-05-09T13:35:00.001-04:00

Went to the doctor today for the ultrasound and amnio test. The doctor said nothing at all in the ultrasound indicates down syndrome but because the bloodwork was so alarming they aren't sure. It was friggin painful! And the baby was just movin around like crazy!!! The ultrasound tech said the baby was extremely active! And cute! And guess what! Its a girl! I was completely shocked! I didn't even believe it. I'm not telling the psycho though. Fuck him.
So pray my baby is ok and ill give the results in a week when they are available. Time to register for my baby shower! Yay! Pink and yellow!

that mother fucker harassed me on mothers day

2011-05-08T21:36:00.000-04:00

i cant even begin to describe my hatred for him. I am EMBARRASSED that i ever loved him or found him remotely attractive. He is a pussy and a coward and liar and a bully. He was harassing me all weekend and trying to ONCE AGAIN blame me and my friend for sending him the card. I told my cop friend and he told me to report him and I'm going to tomorrow. I'm going to the station and showing them the texts etc. How dare he accuse me of doing something i would never do! How many times did i say on here "I would love to send him my blog, etc but I could never do that. Fear of Karma and I want peace. I don't ant to stir things up" How many times??? He was ruining my mothers day making me so sick to my stomach it was hard to let it go and enjoy my day. He such a little wimp that he has to try and scare me over this bullshit! He has no clue how many people hate him and are talking so much shit about him! NO CLUE!! I cant wait for his world to crumble. I always feel bad all the time well I dont anymore!
He was like: how would they know my address if you didnt tell them? Um hello!!! IDIOT!!! Its on the Internet! People pages??? You are listed you fucking retard! You and your wifes name, address, and home number! It doesnt take an expert to find your info. God, he is stupid. Grasping at anything and everything to blame me fro EEEVERYTHING! Im calling the lawyer tomorrow and going to the cops. He will NOT bully me. No way.
Fucking LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, the baby kicks every night around 8pm and 4am. Pretty darn cute! Despite the loser, I had a fantastic mothers day with my wonderful special daughter and her family. (which is my family too) It was beautiful out here!

Hope everyone had a nice day too!

his retaliation

2011-05-07T01:42:00.001-04:00

He is so pathetic. I was half asleep on the couch when my phone vibrates with a text. I look to read it and "piece of shit" comes up which is my name for the asshole on my phone. I get excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. It reads: That little stunt your boyfriend mike pulled sending a card like that to my house has been reported to the police.
What a loser! He has no idea how many people actually hate him and want his wife to find out what a scumbag he is. Its sad. So I responded with: it wasn't him idiot!! Then I sent a second one that said:A. He's not my bf B. He would never do that C. He's not that stupid and D. Open your eyes! Maybe you have other enemies. I have no CLUE who did it!
I wanted him to know it was NOT mike and that he should be nervous because he doesn't scare me and that he has more enemies than he realizes. I really wanted to say: you are so stupid. Do you have any clue how many people are talking about you? And how many people hate you? And how many people could have sent that? Open your eyes you fool! But then he'd think I was behind it all. And guess what! I never said a word!
He never responded. He made me sick to my stomach though. And still does. He is surrounded by darkness lies deception and destruction. I predict his life is only gonna get worse. And all I care about is that he blames me and an innocent child. Its sad.

got some good stuff for you!

2011-05-06T10:48:00.001-04:00

So first, I get to work and check my emails to find another request to fill in as a sub for db's networking group. I responded with "I no longer work with (db) and we don't speak anymore so I don't feel comfortable at all being there, sorry." So she asked me to call her and fill her in and made a comment that I found quite interesting. She said "interesting you say this as the --- networking group is falling under his leadership."
I spoke to her on the phone and did what I always do. I tell people the truth but in a way that doesn't flat out bash him, and I'm discrete enough that I can never be blamed for telling anyone anything about what's really going on but just enough that they can figure it all out themselves. Not sure if she figured it out yet but if she does, she does. Then, I went to dinner with my old boss. The director of the preschool I taught at. I told her I was pregnant and told her the WHOLE story and she was really sweet. Told me she had dated a married guy before so she understood how I felt as I told her about how he loved me and told me he wanted to be with me and was thinking of getting a separation and stuff. It wasn't just sex on the side. He really loved me. Just never enough. I told her how I wanted to wait for him and was willing to accept all his baggage and drama and pain in the ass things that came with him. But he made us enemies and now we don't speak. Then she surprised me by telling me she was pregnant too! But this is her third and she is exhausted thinking about it just as I am exhausted thinking about my baby.
While I was out with her I had gotten a text from my friend telling me that his therapist also douchebag's therapist, told him that the db went in on monday and told him that someone mailed a card to his house addressed to him and his wife congratulating them on the new baby! Ha ha! I laughed. Then they signed it: Mike. So db immediately assumed it was MY friend but it was not! He would NEVER do something like that! I was totally shocked. There was no return address either of course. I am telling you, I have NO CLUE who would do that! No clue! Honestly. This news has spread so far and I heard that people are saying nasty things about him and that he has accumulated some enemies. They are basically saying he's an idiot for not being careful and that he shouldn't have cheated and the fact that he has abandoned me throughout this makes him look worse which in turn creates more comments. At least if he manned up to his faults, maybe they wouldn't be so mean about it. So there's no way I could possibly track who sent that to him. I think signing it mike was a random name. And db was all like "I called the cops! You tell him I called the cops!" Good ol' douchebag tryin to intimidate people again! Ugh. I ant stand him. But I still think its hilarious that someone sent that. Was it any of you?? I mean, his name and address and phone number are listed! Its called google! ANYONE could has done it! Anyone!

nothing much as of now

2011-05-04T15:35:00.001-04:00

Nothing much to report or talk about. He hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since that last text message. He doesn't work in this office anymore so I never see him, thank god! And I can relax and not be stressed or stress out the baby.
I started to feel the baby kick already. I don't even look pregnant at all. I mean the people close to me can tell but anyone else wouldn't know. I just look like I have a stomach. If you ever saw my pictures I posted months back, I have a flat stomach. Had.
I will be 4 months as of saturday. In 3 days. The amnio is monday morning. I will find out the sex of the baby and see the ultrasound. My sister is coming with me. Especially because her son is autistic so she is a positive influence. I have peace that my baby is fine but I want to make sure. I will find out the answer to the amnio the following thursday. I will post about that.
I still cannot believe how he can treat me this way. I've never been abandoned like that. I can guarantee though, that he'll come back eventually. Like I've said from the beginning. Every man in my life has come back. After some time, they always come back. And this asshole never had closure with me.
I've been trying to gather all the information I can about him so I can give it to the lawyer. Oh! This is the lawyer my sister referred me to. This guy was married, gets divorced, and takes his wife to court. She was a stay at home mom and when court is settled SHE ends up paying HIM child support! He is ruthless and cut throat. HE is the one I will have representing me.
Anyway nothing else to report. In response to a readers comment, I can't get a new job because I will not get paid for maternity leave. You have to work somewhere for a year first and no one would hire me knowing I was pregnant. But will start looking in december. I can't afford to go anywhere else right now. It sucks. Especially since I hate my job. But at least he's not here anymore. Scumbag.

he is spiteful

2011-04-26T13:08:00.001-04:00

Well I never got an answer about his medical history. He is a complete child. A spiteful, immature child.
Yesterday a new client of his called my direct line to say this, "listen, sweetie, I need you to give mr. ------ a message for me. Please tell him if he doesn't stop harassing about bonds I'm not interested in, I'm gonna call the NYSE" "wait, he's actually harassing you? Is he sending you stuff? Or emailing?" "He calls me three and four times a day and mails me bond offerings I'm not interested in! Now I don't know how old he is but he needs to GROW UP! Never in my 40 years of investing have I ever come across someone like him! Now I want him to stop." "Ok ill tell him" "tell him I'm calling the NYSE on him if he doesn't. Its harassment" "ok no problem! Will do!" "I mean, my son would be interested in the bonds he is offering but I would never refer him because he harasses people!"
Hmmm.... Sound familiar? Harassment, immature...
So I sent him an email with her message and an hour later he sends a request to management that I be denied access to all his accounts. Really? So that was my fault too? He is a spiteful child. Wow. He makes me sick.
Really.

he never ceases to amaze me with his immaturity

2011-04-21T11:44:00.001-04:00

So I spoke to the genetic counsellor today. She said the amniotic fluid test is 99.9% positive for the downs syndrome test. So I'll be taking that test on june 9th when I find out the sex of the baby. Its ok either way. Children with downs syndrome are the sweetest kids around. My only worry is that the douchebag will definitely not want anything to do with the kid. And he'll say "see!! I told you to abort!" But I don't know anything yet anyway. So no use worrying about tomorrow right?
But yesterday I emailed him this: I know you have no interest in talking to me but please answer this question. Its important and time sensative. Does anyone in your family including cousins etc, have downs syndrome? Maybe one day you can grow up and give me your medical family history since every time the dr's ask me I have to say "I don't know. He refuses to speak to me" but please answer this question its important.
You know that mither fucker didn't answer? So I sent another email at 930pm saying quite a bit more and telling him how I felt about how it really upsets me that he blames me for EVERYTHING and refuses to take any responsibility and has hurt me more than he knows, and rejected me, tormented me, and has completely abandoned me etc. Again I asked for an answer to my question and what does he say?? NOTHING!! NO RESPONSE! What a child! A loser! A fuckin asshole pathetic excuse for a man! I guess this is his way of proving he wants nothing to do with the baby! WHATEVER! FUCK HIM!
I'm really ready for someone to send his wife all the shit I wrote and he wrote to me. I hate him.

new worries

2011-04-20T13:58:00.001-04:00

So the douche bag is right in the same building as me and I can't even talk to him about my disturbing news from the doctor. I spoke to the genetic counselor this morning who said my baby may have downs syndrome. Should be 1 in 400, but this is 1 in 5 chance. Everyone said "don't worry about that they tell that to everyone! And then their babies are fine!" But then I went to see my gynecologist and he said he was very concerned about it based on the numbers. He said don't worry about the 1 in 5 bc some patient was told 1 in 2 chance of having an unhealthy baby but her baby was perfectly normal. But he was more concerned based on the numbers. He asked if it runs in my family at all and if it runs in his. I said no. And as for him I don't think so. I'm gonna have to ask the asshole but he doesn't talk to me.
So my choices are: do I take the amniotic fluid test to get an answer that is only 85% true? Or do I just wait it out? Even if they say yes, I would never kill my baby.
It makes me sad though that he has completely abandoned me and I can't even go to him about this. The burden is all on me. But I did know that once he said he didn't wanna be involved.
Also I asked my dr about the whole due date and conception date. He said the conception date is still the same, he goes by the first day of the period and not to worry about all that. And also, judging by the fact that he was 45 at conception and is jewish he thinks that's also why my numbers are what they are. So I just have a new problem to worry about. I will text him and ask him if downs syndrome runs in his family anywhere nd I'll let you know.
(Sigh) never ends...

heart-broken

2011-04-19T10:50:00.001-04:00

I can't get that stupid text out of my head. The one he sent saturday night that I "singlehandely managed to destroy his life." Not only do I feel guilt that I shouldn't, but I really loved him and still do. And all I wanted to do was be with him with all his baggage and take care of him. I was crazy about him. And he was crazy about me. I still worry about him and feel bad for him and I get depressed over it. I know I shouldn't but what if there is a chance the baby isn't even his? What if it really was that idiots? Then I couldn't live with myself. I'm a little nervous about that. Imagine I destroyed his life on somethin not even true? Although it IS true he slept with me. And that truth came out. Good! Fuck him. But ugh... I think too much I guess. And I think too much about HIM. It sucks. And what makes this worse is he is not moving to the other olocation til next monday. Which will also make me very sad to not see him. I just really miss working for him. I did so much for him and I actually enjoyed it. Now I sit and stare at the wall. And blog! I just really really miss him and our elationship. Now he just hates me! Its heart breaking.
Anyway thanks for the responses before. Much appreciated. :)

he gets more hateful by the day

2011-04-17T03:39:00.001-04:00

9:30pm saturday night I get this text from him:
You have single handedly managed to destroy my life

Ok. 1. HIS fault for turning to anger nd hatred instead of being supportive and try to work this out peacefully. Also his fault if he ruined HIS life. I had 3 years to go until I could do anything I wanted to in life. Nothing holding me back. Now I have to start ALL over while I continue to struggle.
2. I did nothing on purpose and never in a million years wanted to hurt him or "destroy" him
3. Single handedly? That implies that this was all me and I did everything myself. He didn't have sex with me? Without a condom?
4. Something must have happened tonight. Or this weekend. I wonder what it was. And if his wife was so supportive, would his life be destroyed? Probably not.

Meanwhile I pulled my back out and I am not only in the most pain I've ever felt, but I am completely imobilized. I can't turn over, I cannot lean forward, sideways, up or down. I scream in pain if I try to roll over in bed or get out of bed. I need a bed of ice for my back. Its the only relief I get. And guess what. Can't take any pain killers!

And this precious little baby lives inside me in peace. I pray he changes when he sees this baby. Especially if its his son. Does anyone agree that if he has a son it may change him? He has 2 girls. But a son to a father I think is a big deal. And more so in the jewish religion. Maybe this precious gift will be the only thing that could desipate his anger and hatred.

he's finally moving to the other branch!

2011-04-15T17:04:00.001-04:00

I was told by my boss that he's moving to the other branch. I won't see him anymore. I'm relieved but also so sad that we won't see each other anymore. I went in to give him some stuff of his and to say goodbye and he wouldn't even look at me. I said I just wanted to say goodbye since I won't ever see you again. (Well, when the baby's born and I take him to court I will) and he wouldn't say a word. I said so that's it? You can't even look at me? He said no actually I can't. So I said I just wanted to say goodbye so have a nice life then. And walked out crying. It amazes me he treats me like the villain. What exactly did I do that was worth his hatred? I didn't give into his bullying and manipulation? So now I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who deserves more abuse. Ok.
Then my boss is telling me how if she hears I told anyone its his I'll get fired for slander! Um... No. Slander is false accusations to try and ruin someones reputation. Never did that! And its the truth! All the other people who are going around telling everyone? That's slander because I never said it to anyone! The ones who are talking? Did they ask me? NO! Therefor they are going on rumors and hearsay. I'm going to a lawyer about this bullshit. I'm tired of it.

This is spreading like wildfire

2011-04-15T12:27:00.001-04:00

I'm surprised you all read the last post but no one commented. So you'll never guess what happened today. I am friends with someone who is a bond trader at another firm. He emails me today and says "do you work with so-and-so?" (Sperm donor) and I say yes why? What's up? Then I text and tell him to keep it private to the text messages. So I ask why did you ask? He responds with, "I heard he knocked up his assistant and she's keeping it" I was shocked. "How the HELL did you hear that??" I asked him. He said "one of the guys here used to work with him, and someone over there told him." Well apparently this is spreading like wildfire. Everyone in this business knows everyone! Won't be long til this somehow spreads to his town and his wife and his kids. Now I certainly don't want his kids to find out like that. That's tragic! But I WOULD like his wife to find out the truth that he was indeed in love with me and how he really felt nd how this is the third pregnancy. Not some oops job one time! He's such a liar and she should know the supposed truth he told her was just more lies. And if she believes him she's a fuckin moron.
I told my friend the news is true and its ME! He was really sweet about it and he was upset I didn't tell him. I told him I didn't get to tell anyone! That its spreading so fast its ruining for me to tell anyone!
Again, I really couldn't care less about people saying if I'm the pathetic one or a homewrecker or a whore or a bad person etc. I just care that HE cares so much that he will be devastated and he will take it all out on me!!! His world will crumble bc he is nothing but a liar. He'll ty to cover up his lies with more lies and eventually it doesn't work anymore.
What a loser...

The baby pic!

2011-04-14T21:58:00.001-04:00

How amazingly cute is this baby??? its 3 inches long and absolutely perfect. The Dr kept going on and on telling me how the baby couldn't be more perfect and how beautiful it is. I have some more pictures but I didn't want to put them all up. His/her left arm was up by the head and the right hand was by the mouth. The baby kept moving and clenching its hands and kicking up a storm. I brought my daughter and she was so excited. She loved seeing a human life inside me. We could see the baby swallowing and the heart beating. It's just a precious and perfect little gift from God. I'm in love.

To hell with the phony selfish coward. MM has been given a new name from me. Sperm Donor. He's not a father and hes not my anything anymore. Hes like a ghost at work. We pass each other in the hall and pretend the other isnt there. Like a ghost. Its so sad! I wonder if he is sad at all. He claims he loved me but he doesnt act like it. He is the most selfish person I've ever met

oops! Did i post his picture???


this one makes me sad because this pic sums up our relationship. I adored him.

. Yesterday was sperm donor's birthday. I sent him a text "happy birthday" and he didnt respond. Read the comments from my last post to see the last thing he sent me. Then he takes his wifes card and his daughters cards and displays them on his desk at work like he has the perfect family. And his wifes card had all this stuff written in it like how she loves his snoring etc etc. What a joke. It really hurt a lot. Hes been in love with me and writes me books in cards but now you wanna pretend your "working on your relationship" i guess? And he ignores me and the baby. Well not only did I display in a frame, the picture of my baby, but i sent him to his phone, the same picture i just posted of the baby. No response of course but he's not gonna ignore it. FUCK HIM! I SO WISH someone would just send his wife all the cards he wrote me and the blogs i wrote about details of our relationship! How he told me he wanted to be with me but he couldnt and how unhappy he is and how she would call him and hed be naked with me while he lies through his teeth about being at the gym! And how he told me how he wanted to have a trial separation from her. God, I hate him! I hate him for lying to her and to me and for loving me and fucking denying it! Talk about the ultimate rejection! I mean its one thing to dump me but to completely deny you ever truly loved me just really hurts.

Everyone at work knows now. EVERYONE knows I'm pregnant and with him! Gossip gossip gossip. People cant get enough of our real life soap opera. I couldnt care less who knows and what they think of me. He, on the other hand, does. And I dont think anyone has confronted him yet. My 2 friends who are actually friends told me people were talkin about me. It ruins the fun of telling people I'm pregnant. But they all put 2 and 2 together! He has been so horrible to me and turned us into enemies they figure it out in 2 seconds! "OOOH!!!! No WONDER you 2 were fighting so badly! THAT'S what was going on! It all makes complete sense now!" I mean, people aren't stupid.

Regardless of the drama, my baby is perfect and precious and a gift from God. I have gone through hell to protect it and give it life. I knew from day one it was special when I prayed and asked God about it. God made this baby with a purpose, a name, and love and joy to spread. People are in love with the baby and it's just a tiny thing still! The ultrasound pics made so many people cry! I'm excited. We all know this will be very tough but I can handle it. I'm in love with someone new. Baby "Noah"

monday morning

2011-04-11T12:11:00.001-04:00

Well he's still here. I have no clue why. We all expected him to be gone. No one knows what's going on. I passed him in the hallway as he walked in. We looked right at each other and I just turned the other way and headed down the hall. Awkward. And sad. He looked so cute too. Its depressing. And weird to not speak to each other. His sister called in today for tax info on her accounts which are no longer under his rep. I told her that he and I no longer work together or speak to each other. Omg I wanted so badly to tell her WHY!!! I wish someone would just tell her and his wife the fuckin TRUTH! I cleaned out an old desk saturday to put up a new one and in the drawer was this book I made of everything he gave me, wrote me, and excerpts from my blog. Along with pictures and poems and souvenirs from the few places we went together. I never finished it. I think I will though so I can have completion. And I'll put the copies of texts and the ultrasound photos in it. I hope I can use it as evidence one day in the event I need to. This book is what his wife should see.
Anyway that's all I have to report. I will post updates as I get them.

2011-04-08T11:30:00.001-04:00

I feel like I've left you all in limbo for a week but there is no update to share. The last I heard and was able to piece together about whether he will be working here or not has been at a stand still.
For the last week, we have not been working together. Its been really difficult for me to see his phone ring and not be allowed to answer it, or start to do the many weekly and daily tasks I did for him and have to stop myself. But the worst is listening to the girl next to me talk to all his clients and be overly friendly to them. I miss the clients too. Its really sad and I'm very depressed. Not to mention, I just miss him in general. Even though I know he's been an asshole and still is, I loved him and still love him. Unfortunately it was more than just loving someone, it was all day at work too. Its not like I could just break up with someone and forget about them. I have to have it shoved in my face daily.
As far as his destiny goes, what I found out so far was that he was supposed to be transferred to another branch which would make my life so much easier. But then I found out through "secret sources" that the paperwork was put on hold, the head boss here went into a closed door meeting with the president of the company and the H.R. Attorney. Apparently the attorney is only called in for serious issues. After that we've heard nothing. Our boss was in a different branch and called him wed afternoon said he needed to speak to him. Then he went on a business trip yesterday and today. And that was it. I haven't heard anything and I have no idea what's going on. Its very frustrating. So I will keep you posted when I find anything out. Which probably won't be til monday.
Wednesday is my ultra sound. My daughter is coming with me. She's all excited to see the baby. She's been really stressed out about everything along with her idiot alcoholic father and I told her when the baby comes, he (cuz I think its a boy) will make you so happy! You could be so sad or stressed and that adorable little face and baby smell will make you so happy! She smiled and said "I can't wait 6 more months!"
So that's all for now... Have a great weekend everyone. I will comment on all the posts I have read this weekend. I can't post any comments from my phone. It sucks!
Until monday...

I never meant for it to get this bad

2011-03-30T22:11:00.002-04:00

Oh god. This is getting so bad. So monday he's acting like nothing happened. Claims he's "calm" and wants to talk. So we start to talk, I'm crying, everythings like how it always was. We talk AFTER work so he can "try and understand" why I made the decisions I made. He has articles printed out and highlighted to question my religious beliefs. I told him over and over throughout the day "I don't trust you at all. Everything you say is manipulation" and sure enough he was TAKING NOTES of what I said! Hell no! I shut right up and started yelling at him. It escalated into the two of us screaming at each other and him yelling "GET OUT!" And me yelling "go fuck yourself!" Monday evening he sends me texts apologizing. So tuesday morning, he comes to work late. Doesn't say a word to me all day. Until 4:30. Sends me a text "I need to talk to you. Outside of work somewhere." Long story short, as I stated in the last post, I meet him out in a parking lot down the street. Then he proceeds to tell me how he told his wife. As I stated last night "couldn't be more supportive"
Okay. So I was so shaken up I told my boss I must speak to her. Its very important.
So today, I talked to my co worker, we read the handbook, and it says nothing about having a relationship with a co worker. So I told my boss EVERYTHING. From beginning to end. She said they can't fire me. Especially since I am pregnant they would be in so much trouble. So I talked to her for an hour and a half. And she was extremely helpful. I told her how he harasses me and how sometimes I feel scared. I felt such a relief and protected once I told her that.
However... When I got this phone call, I started to really regret ever saying anything. He called me at 530 HYSTERICALLY crying in the phone on my voice mail since I ignored his call, that the big boss, my boss' boss told him they may fire him now. I cannot deal with him getting fired! I never ever meant for this to get this bad. I don't want him to get fired! I feel so so so bad for him. Talk about his world crumbling! I was so sick to my stomach I actually threw up. I unfortunately still love him so much. He's gonna have a nervous breakdown or try to kill himself.
Now please go back to my post from may 2010, titled two prophetic dreams. The dream popped into my head monday night and I went back to see if I blogged about it and sure enough I did. I think NOW it is coming to pass...
Forgot to mention. After Monday night when he was coming in poking at me and trying to upset me when my friend Mike was there, I told my friend, "ya know hwat? Pride comes before a fall. Hautiness befrore destruction. He needs to be careful."
I feel like this is all my fault. I threw up 3 times last night. Not sure if its morning sickness or from my stomach being in knots for hours. If any of you pray, please pray for him. That he turns to God so God can help him like He helps me. thank you

he told his wife

2011-03-29T23:18:00.001-04:00

And he said "are you happy now that I had to put her through that?" I said don't you dare put the blame on me! Then he said "and she couldn't be more supportive. And the vile hatred she has for you couldn't be expressed enough. She thinks you're a sick person." Was she supposed to like me??? He is now not only manipulative and mean, but now cocky! Now he thinks he has one up on me bc she's on his side. He makes me so sick. I'm actually scared of him which he wants me to be so I just kil the baby. I think I'm gonna just tell my boss everything so they can document his harassment and let me go. I despise him. And most of all, I'm just so hurt. Yesterday he told me how he had done "soul searching" and how he was so sorry for everything he said and did and how he never meant anything he said about never loving me etc, but then the next day is back to being 10 times worse than before. Ten times worse! I didn't trust him to begin with when he was supposedly calm but now I'm again so sick physically because of the stress he is putting me under. I'm done protecting him constantly. Done protecting his identity. I wish I wouldve let my friends tell his wife so she would hear the truth. We all know he lied like hell to paint me as the bad guy. I wish he wouldn't make us enemies. Cuz that's what he has done. But I am used to this. Every guy I break up with... The cops get involved. They finally back off when I have to get a restraining order against them. Why do they want to hurt me so badly? I don't get it. I give them all my heart and they turn into monsters. Then come crawling back. I hate him.

Today was a blessing

2011-03-27T16:03:00.001-04:00

I forgot to give you the update on the baby. The dr said everything is perfect, its a perfect baby and the heartbeat was very strong. I saw the heart beating and heard it on the doppler.
And something amazing happened today. I went to church to tell the noah's ark story with the kids. It went so well! Then in the teenager class I teach the other teacher read a scripture ephesians 6:10 I think about the armour of god. Of course when we read it no one really understood the meaning of it. So I gave my testimony about how I have turned to god and all I did was worship him and his armour has been on me when the asshole has been harrassing me and hating me and throwing his "firey darts" at me. It was pretty powerful to share that testimony today.
Then after church, they were cleaning up for a fundraiser they had. A "toy sale." I told the 2 women who were packing up stuff that I needed some baby stuff. So they went around and gave me everything I would need that they had. I got a high chair, stroller, tons of clothes, toys, books, maternity clothes, a pack and play and a play mat with all kinds of nice toys in it, the sling thing you hold the baby in over your shoulder, and a really nice cushion for the changing table. All for $20!!! They only chraged me $17.50 but its a donation to the church so I gave $20. Exactly what I told the douchebag, god will always provide. What a blessing. And to have peace away from that psycho for 2 days was fantastic. Next ultrasound is sceduled for April 13th. MM's birthday!!! Ha ha! Happy birthday dad!!!
I reeeeally wish you guys could come visit!!! Thanks for all he support. I really appreciate it!

Pathetic Ultimatum

2011-03-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

Well, we managed to not speak at all other than to say "so and so is on the phone." At the end of the day he sent me a text saying he cant work with me anymore and he was speaking to management on Monday. I started to cry because I have a very good chance of losing my job now. Also, I lost my best friend. So the HR lady saw me crying, asked me why, i told her it was him, she went in his office and he didn't tell her. He said later he doesnt want to have to do it but he cant work. If he hears my voice, or sees my email it makes min cry and he sits in a daze all day and cant function. AGAIN this is all MY fault. So I just lost it at punch out time. I couldnt stop crying. He sent me a text that said "maybe you should think long and hard about the decisions you've made and what effects they will have long term" so i said "maybe YOU should've, asshole! A. i already thought about it but it still hurts! B. you think if i kill it, you're not gonna still HATE ME? YOU'LL STIIIIILLL HATE ME!" The asshole writes back: "A. I really don't think you thought long and hard enough about the long term effects and B. No, I wouldnt still hate you"
you wouldnt still hate me??? so you DO hate me now right douche bag?? But if I murder a perfectly strong and healthy baby, oh well gee, then you'll be just so wonderful to me right? Oh how I long for the day when you dont hate me! Please let me worship you more than I already have! I'll just do anything for you! Why I'll even murder TWO babies! Just so you can continue to use me, disappoint me, lie to me, and treat me like shit! PLEASE CAN I KILL MY BABY FOR YOU? Its just the best thing in the world to do! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU SELFISH MANIPULATIVE LYING COWARDLY LITTLE MAN!
i answered him back "well thanks for the ultimatum." fuck him. I had my therapist tonight, thank god. She told me not to worry if i get fired it will set me free to find something i love. I can collect unemployment until I do. I can paint and sell my art for cash. I can be free of his stress and drama. I dont have to explain to anyone who the father is. Hell, I can walk right in there with my baby to say hello and watch him puke. (unless he miraculously changes by then) And since soemone who reads this knows who he is, you can come on in and say hi! How do you know him? or is it just from my blog? Im dying to know.

His pain

2011-03-24T21:16:00.002-04:00

i am actually sick to my stomach thinking about how much pain he is in right now. I feel so bad for him. Wishing he could rewind time. oh its so horrible. he called me crying hysterically. I mean i'm not doing this to hurt him. the crying to me wont make me take it back ya know? but i guess his pain is so great and im too compassionate. but that compassion got me into this mess right? i felt sorry for the unhappy married guy. i gave him everything i had! and the thing is... the reason we didnt use condoms was because when we made love because that IS what we did, it was like we were a couple. its not like he was using me on the side. men like that always use a condom. this was spontaneous i need to be closer to you love making. And i loved every minute of it. I miss it. I miss him. it will never be the same. now i will be pregnant and cant have anyone for a long time. i can handle it though. love is selfless and all i care about right now is keeping the baby safe and healthy. he thinks i dont care about him but i do. i love him. even through all the torment he has thrown onto me. and he even tried to tell me he never loved me. i was only a friend with benefits. Lie. Everything out of his mouth is lies. His eyes are always truthful though. He cant hide his love for me.
oh well. we will never know what the future holds. i never expected to actually be pregnant again after all this. I was in complete shock.
sometimes i fantasize about moving to France and raising the baby there. I wish I could. But i dont speak french really. And i wouldnt be able to work unless i found an american company. whatever. Im emotionally exhausted. Too much drama for a day. too much heartache. and I still love the stupid son of a bitch. what an idiot i am.

and how do you guys know who he is? i couldnt believe that! it was so funny i couldnt stop laughing. And those comments you all said especially the readers i didnt even know i had, thank you SO MUCH! it makes me feel that much stronger to have your support. I will have to invite you all to the baby shower! start saving your money for airfare!

Pathetic Excuse for a Man

2011-03-23T21:58:00.002-04:00

He is HORRENDOUS! he is making my life a living hell! But I am staying so strong! I act like everythings fine at work. I pretend I dont hate his GUTS! He has tried every manipulative tactic he could think of! It's rather exhausting! he tries making me feel guilty for ruining his life, his kids lives, etc. when that doesnt work he tells me he is suicidal. then tells me how his parents are in deep need and how he needs to help them financially and how he cant help me. (im taking his ass to court so too bad) then he forced himself on my therapy session to try and find out exactly WHY I decided to keep it since he thinks i did it to either get back at him for the abortion or because I think he will be with me. I thought we clarified it in my session that it had nothing to do with him. When he heard about how I prayed about it and how God named him Noah, he started to use God as a manipulative tactic! Telling me I have the blood of a sinner inside me. A Bastard child, an object of adultery. Then when that didnt work, he called my daughters grandma who is like my mother (would be motherin law had i married her dad) and badgered her to meet with him and HIS 2 FRIENDS so he could pressure her to pressure me to kill it. Then he tries to bring me down telling me how i will never be able to do this, no one will help me, or be there for me, and how naive and stupid i am. Now his newest tactic is telling me how he NEVER loved me, he led me on, only used me, I was only a friend with benefits, and how he only lusted after me. Its never fucking ending. He is a raging lunatic! He told me today "you make me sick!" so I said "good! you make me sick too!" and shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I know it has to kill him that he doesnt effect me. My daughter sent him a fantastic email! I am going to copy and paste it so you can see. She is so tired of watching him break me down day in and day out. He is a pathetic excuse for a man. There is no way in hell I would want to be with him after all this. So when his wife finds out, and dumps his sorry ass, he cant come crawling back to me! Im done! He will be alone and have no one but his own sorrow.

Here is her email she sent him last night:

Alright look... You really need to grow up. I don't even know where to begin. First of all... You are blaming everything on my mom. Uh I'm pretty sure YOU'RE the one who fell in love with her too, that wasn't a one way street. You are sooooo crazy. You're the one who dug yourself into a huge fricken hole of lies, cheating and most of all denial. Denial because you claim you never had feelings for my mother, SHUT UP....of course you had feelings for her, that's a pathetic lie that you're trying to convince yourself of. Denial because you're acting like my mother purposely did this to get back at you, well she didn't. You're the one who's been going behind your familys backs cheating on your wife and lying to your own children. You need to understand this is just as much your fault as hers. I have watched her cry over you a ridiculous amount of times over the last two years and I'm absolutely sick of it. You are heartless. Completely heartless and bitter. You make her feel like absolute crap and say stuff that myself and anyone else would never EVER say to anyone else. Stop acting like you're perfect because obviously you're not. You are sneaky and pyschotic. I don't get it. I don't know what goes through your head day in and day out that makes you such an asshole and makes you say the things you do to my mom. You keep bringing my mom down that big hole of yours except her problem isn't lying, cheating, sneaking around, hers is heartbreak. Each and everyday you completely shatter her heart more and more. I CAN'T STAND YOU. You are such a pyschotic asshole!!!!!!!!!! No one in the world can hit you on the head hard enough to realize the hurt, anger, betrayal, etc that you have brought on to people. You're pretty pathetic. Don't you EVER talk to my mother the way you have been again. In fact, don't even talk to her at all outside of work stuff. Because you ruin her days and nights to the point where she's sick. You're sick. You're the sick one who can live with yourself. Well guess what... You're having a child. Second of all.. You call this child an "it." Him or her is NOT a thing, they're a person. And my mother is NOT killing him. You may think that's the right thing to do and if you do, you're digusting and sick. You can live with yourself knowing the depression and pain my mom would have to go through if she had to do that again. And you wanna know what else!? This child is going to have a hundred times more people that love him or her more than anyone will ever love you. I absolutely hate you. I hate you so much.

PS I COULDNT CARE LESS ABOUT PROTECTING HIS STUPID IDENTITY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK HIM!

Worst week of my life

2011-03-13T14:45:00.000-04:00

I cant even tell you how miserable I am. This was one of the worst weeks of my life. Monday night, he dumps me. Tuesday night we talk, and he says "you pressured me! I'm not ready for a decision so since you forced me, i choose her." "well, there was a reason I pressured you in the last couple weeks" "why? are you pregnant or something?" "yes" That led to screaming and crying and fighting. I was so physically ill form from the fight that I went to work Wed at 1:30 and was sick as could be until 4:30 when I snuck under my desk to lay down until 5:15 to go see his therapist like he asked me to. 5:30 was the worst night of my life. The entire session he was so angry. He was angry before walking in. He had his little list of ALL the reasons why he thinks I should abort. Along with the fact that he accused me of lying about it and using it as a manipulation tactic. First of all, why would I do that? How dare you! He kept saying "I wanna understand the chain of events. Why is it that you tell me the day after I break up with you that you are pregnant?" The therapist kept saying Does it really matter though? Why dont you ask her why she was so afraid to tell you. Maybe she had to protect herself and the baby. The therapist kept saying "I dont think abortion is open for discussion. I think she made her choice and you will just have to face the fact that she is pregnant." It just made him more and more angry. He was screaming like a lunatic! The therapist was even uncomfortable at the screaming. I started to scream back. Finally he said "Make no mistake. We are done! I will never be with you. Ever again!" At that point I just burst into tears, and was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I couldnt stop no matter what. I am over emotional now as it is, but to say that to me like that, was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. Like he hated me or something. And I did nothing to him! I asked him to be with me or break up with me. So fine, break up with me. But there was no reason to do it like that. I cried for at least ten minutes in the session until I screamed at him "you are a fucking asshole! youre nothing but a coward and a loser and you'll never have enough guts to do anything you want to do with your life! you make me sick! I wish I never met you because youve don nothing but ruin my life!" Then I eventually left the two hours session in tears and went out to cry in my car for a little while longer (20 min) until I finally drove home.

As I sat in the car, I played my Christian music because I was in desperation and needed to reach out to God. He was there for me when I had my daughter and I know He's there now. I cried out to Him that I was sorry for doing everything I've been doing, I'm sorry I had an abortion, for sleeping with a married man, etc. I told him how much I needed Him because I just wanted to die. I heard Him answer me before I was done and He said "I'm here with you. I'll help you through this" Then all I could think of was how much he just HATED me and how he will continue to hate me the rest of my life. And I heard God or whoever answer "You dont know how he'll be in October" I remembered how I have had a month to freak out and be depressed and he had just one day. I felt what he felt for 4 weeks. It gets less shocking with each day. I also couldnt believe it. I pretended it wasnt real for the first 3-4 weeks!

I called out sick Thursday, and laid on my couch all day. I was so sick, so stressed, so depressed. All I kept hearing in my head over and over was "Make no mistake! We are done! etc" He eventually emailed me telling me how awful he felt about how upset I was and how he was so sorry and how he only gets that angry towards the people he loves the most and he didnt realize how much he loved me etc etc bullshit bullshit. I didnt respond. I had nothing to say to him. Thats not how you show love. If he loved me, he'd be with me. End of story. I still couldnt face him Friday and I was still very sick. I called out sick again. he emailed me over and over a over about the same bullshit. I responded and told him how much he hurt me and how he made a huge mistake and how all I could hear was what he said. It didnt matter what he said after. What mattered was how he responded to the crisis situation. All he wanted was validation of his feelings. What about mine??? For all these years? You never ONCE validated mine! Not once!

Yesterday, he sent me a text saying his bbm was no longer bc his phone broke and he has an iphone. I told him I had sent him 2 emails and to read them. He barely responded to that text and never responded to my emails. I was so sick all day and night yesterday. I threw up last night. I FORCED myself to go to the store to get food which I had none of. I cried in the store, i cried on the way home, I cried last night. The first email I had sent him was about asking his help to find me a new job. He is the president of his networking group so I asked him to reach out to all of the presidents and ask if anyone in their groups are hiring. The second one I told him I have never been so devastated in my life. Told him how I sleep and cry and lay on the couch day and night and how I am very sick and how I actually got in trouble at work for calling out so much the last few weeks. No response.

Today, I ate a healthy breakfast with fruit, wheat, flaxseed, omega3, etc. I felt much better. I also went to church. I was happy to be there. I enjoyed teaching about prayer to the kids. I sent the asshole a text and said "why is it that when you email and bbm me you want a response but when i do, you fucking ignore me? Its always ALL about YOU!" I absolutely hate him! I was willing to accept him with all his issues, baggage, moodiness, etc. But I was never enough. I will never be enough. And when he comes back, and mark my words, he will come back... it will be too late. And he will live in regret the rest of his life. And cry. And be depressed. And maybe I will yell in his face when he comes back "Make no mistake! you will NEVER be with me!" See how he feels.

I am so heartbroken though. I have an ultrasound wed afternoon and I am debating making a photocopy to show him to prove it to him that I am pregnant. I really really wish I never had to see him again. I am dreading going to work and having to look at him or speak to him. He hurt me more than anyone could know. I try to say things to myself like "thank god I am not in Japan. It could be worse!" but it doesnt make the pain in my heart go away. But in retrospect, I could have lost my family and home and all my belongings in an earthquake and tsunami and I could be starving. So this too shall pass...

He knows...

2011-03-09T12:22:00.001-05:00

I am home sick from work but I decided to go in a half day. I feel awful. Been really sick through this. On Monday MM told me that I pressured him to make a decision and his decision was to stay with his wife and cut things off with me but still wanted to "coexist" and not hate each other. I was hurt and angry but never told him. I started looking for a new job. Then last night we were still fighting over it and he told me I was pressuring him and crap and I said well I had a reason for it. Long story short he asked enough questions draggin it out of me and gfinallt asked point blank "are you pregnant?" I couldnt lie. I told him yes. He was in disbelief just as I was since he never came inside me. I had to almost prove it to him but then he finally believed me, cried and yelled a LOT. was mostly angry I waited so long to tell him because of course, he wanted to convince me to kill it. I was screaming at him he screamed at me, etc etc. I finally left, we were out of tissues since we both needed them. He gave me a long hug, a kiss, and told me he loved me before he left. Tonight we are going to speak to his therapist I met with a few weeks back. I will fill you in on what he says.

In the meantime I have my friend Mike, the one who helped me get the car and stuff, and he has been here for me through everything. He is jealous and mad and doesnt understand why I choose MM over him. Because I am in love with MM and I have no chemistry with Mike whatsoever. I tried to go there but I am not attracted to him. I cant help it. I dont want to end up cheating on him one day with someone who makes me hot. I am copying and pasting what he wrote to me in an email because it kind of upset me.

I'm glad you told him. It was going to come out eventually anyway.

I wanted to tell you this in person but since you're going to see (the therapist) later I might as well get it off my chest. This all comes from my heart as someone who loves you, and it's hard to say all this because I don't want to come off as angry or jealous or that I'm pressuring you and I know you don't like my long winded emails but here goes...

It's not my decision to make, it's between you and (MM). This may come as no surprise but I don't like (MM) and I don't trust him, he's conniving and manipulative, he's not worth your trust. He's done enough damage. All he's cared about is getting his rocks off and saving his precious fortune. If he really cared about you he would have protected you from this and stopped harming you a long time ago. You may not see it but I do. (the therapist) described him to me as a drug to you, you think it's good at the time but all it does is hurt you but you keep going back for more because (MM) disguises his lust as love and all this does is harm you and I'm tired of seeing you hurt by him and everyone else.

Don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind, because I believe in your heart of hearts that you know you've made the right choice. I know you have for yourself.

I could be wrong, I hope he's a man about this and supports you and this baby at least financially. I know I would make whatever sacrifices I had to if it were mine.

I've tried to offer you an alternative, a loving, compassionate life where you know I would never harm you, your daughter or your baby or try to change who you are because who you are is beautiful. I've grown to love you and her and will love your baby as well because it's yours.

I get to see him tomorrow, should be an interesting conversation.

Now I understand he cares, but I dunno. I feel he is judgemental as anyone would be.

After last nights conversation with MM, I was doubting my decision to not kill it. All I kept saying to myself was i think i made the wrong choice. Then I got an email this morning from the Sunday School director asking me if I could be a story teller in 2 weeks. they are doing differrent stories in the bible about 40 days for Lent. Guess what she asked me to do! Noah's Ark. I truly believe that was God telling me "you didnt make the wrong choice and I am here with you always." I know God will help me just like he did with my daughter. I was in total shock when I got that email. I need positivity and support to surround me. This was a brutal decision and I am scared daily. MM was saying "you are choosing to bring a child into this world in this fucked up suituation" No I didnt CHOOSE to get pregnant! It just happened! I chose not to murder it!
Anyway I will lfill you in later with what the therapist has to say. The one who apparently called him my drug who is no good for me.

Still havent shared the secret

2011-03-02T21:32:00.002-05:00

I've been really sick and tired lately. Been going to bed at 8 or 9 pm and taking naps throughout the day and evening. It's now 9:11 and I am ready for bed. I've been depressed too, thinking what am I gonna tell people and what are they gonna think? Well there are really only a couple people that matter. My daughter is one of them. She opened the Internet and my previous page came up... a conversation with someone that said you're pregnant with (so and so)'s baby again? So my daughter, being the most amazing child you could have, sent me a text "we need to talk." She held it in and didnt tell a soul. We talked about it Saturday and before she asked me anything or told me what she read she said "Mom, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. I wont judge you. Just please tell me whats going on." So I told her and it was like talking to a little adult. She said "Mom, please dont kill it. And please dont give it up for adoption, those kids have issues for the rest of their lives." How she is even knows this amazes me. I told my best friend Mike and my therapist and MM's therapist. I am yet to tell MM. He saw me at work 2 days ago and said "Did your stomach get a little bigger in the last week or so?" "You sayin I'm fat??" "No! I just know your body well and it looks a tiny bit bigger." Boy i was so tempted to say "um, put 2 and 2 together buddy! i sleep all afternoon at my desk, Im always nauseous with my ginger ale handy, I complain my boobs hurt plus they grew like an entire size and my stomach grew... think about it! But I just cant do it. Especially not at work. I have no idea when I'm gonna tell him. Not for 2 weeks since his therapist will be away next week. I am now 7 weeks. I had a dream Monday night that my daughter asked me if I had a name yet. I said yes. Noah. When I woke up I looked up the name. It means: comfort, peace, and rest. Due date is in October. Libra. The sign Libra represents "peace-maker" Coincidence? Dont think so. I will have to do my best to protect my little peace maker who will clearly bring me peace comfort and joy. I have no idea what MM is gonna do but I cant worry about it. He can choose to be a part of his life or not. His loss. Only time will tell what happens here...
I dont care at this point. As long as I feel peaceful about my decision and my daughter is happy and helpful, thats all that matters. the rest I can make work. God will help me for making the right choice. He did it when I had my daughter at 18.
On that note, time for bed...

my 100th post

2011-02-23T20:33:00.001-05:00

this should be a good post then...
I wish I had more to say. I have one more day without him and then I see him Friday at work. I miss him. But I'm fine without him. I spoke to the Dr's office today. Pregnancy numbers are perfect. Have an ultrasound scheduled for March 16, and more blood next week. I pretty much came to the conclusion after much heartache and mental battling that I cannot kill it. I just cant do it. I will have to suffer the consequences of having a baby. The more I thought about it the more I realized that he would be there for me. He will be there to help. He wont let me suffer alone. Just as he doesnt let me suffer heartache alone. He is always right there with me feeling what I feel, dealing with what I am dealing with, and being there as much as he can. And it's not our fault. He didnt cum inside me! I am clearly extremely fertile.

Another thing I was thinking. When he and my daughters grandma convinced me to have an abortion, their reasons were the "inconvenience" it would cause, and how it would destroy lives. Well, I had my daughter as a senior in high school and what would you tell a HS student with her whole future ahead of her? Get rid of this baby, its a huge inconvenience, and it will destroy your life and future and strain everyone else's lives around you. Well, they couldnt have been more wrong. She has brought joy to so many people! Adults, kids her age, kids younger, older, my family, her fathers family, she saved mine and her fathers lives. We would have both commited suicide by now if it hadnt have been for her. And imagine the pain and devastation that would've caused on our families. She has been invited to vacations all over the country with families who just love her so much. They tell me how she is polite and kind and amusing and a joy. So dont you DARE tell me my little baby who didnt ask to be born would ruin lives, cause pain and suffering, and we'd all be better without him/her. And I say that to anyone who tries to tell me to kill another baby. Family, nurses, MM himself, anyone. I cant hold the guilt of repercussions on HIS family for my choice. I can only think about my own family. And I will not be ruining lives. Ruining a life is what my dad did to my brother. Beat the shit out of him mentally emotionally and physically day in and day out until he finally had a nervous breakdown and ended up an alcoholic in a mental hospital! THAT is ruining a life. This baby will complicate things and change the course of destiny we all had planned for everyone, but ruin lives? no. Who doesnt look at a cute baby smiling at you and doesnt feel happy inside?

As for my whore "friend," she stopped to me and deleted me on fb and bbm. Like I am the one who did something wrong!! I couldnt believe her! That right there admits her guilt. What a loser. She was 46 sleeping with a 22 year old. Who is cheating on her friend with her. Good job. You are awesome. Here is a picture JUST FOR YOU...

What a twist in my soap opera huh? I thought I was moving on, then I end up pregnant, then I find out the new loser was cheating with my friend. Wow. Couldnt predict that...

My Valentine Card

2011-02-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

The last things MM said to me as he said goodbye for a week was: "When you miss me, reread my card! i meant every word I said. I love you"

So I am going to write the card so you can get a glimpse of how he feels about me. You all know how I feel about him...

"Ok. Where do I start? You having entered my life two and a half years ago has changed it in oh so many ways. First off, you have made me stop and view the world in ways I never knew existed. You've made me have a kinder, gentler heart when I would normally have a colder heart with less feeling. You've made me realize that theres a much bigger world out there than the one I probably thought mostly revolved around me. Youve taught me about giving to others, and made me realize just how selfish I could be. You've also allowed me to realize the importance of spirituality, and how there is a greater power that that guides our thoughts and actions. I NEVER would have tapped into these things without you. I'm sorry that I dont say this enough, but you have changed my life in so many special ways, and you need to always remember that. You've created bright, vibrant colors to my life, where before there was a dark and dullness. You just have no idea how much you've opened my mind and eyes to see and experience things I never knew existed before I met you.
Most important of all, though, is that I have NEVER had someone who has loved me and cared for me the way you have. And there are so many times when I tell myself that I dont deserve to have someone like you that cares so deeply for me the way you do. You have no idea how special you make me feel, how loved you make me feel. You have shown me a depth of LOVE that just simply and absolutely blows me away. (drew a heart here) Honestly, I'd be lucky if i give you back a tenth of the love that you give to me. You need to know from the bottom of my heart, that I try to give you everything I can possibly give. And, I've said, you've pulled things out of me, and have touched me in places that i never knew existed. You have no idea how special and incredible that has made me feel. I can only hope that I have done the same for you.
You will always hold a special place in my heart. ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU (AND WILL ALWAYS)"
(and signed his name)

the only part i dont like is the last part "you will always hold a special place in my heart" it sounds as if he will never be with me but will always remember and love me. But when I mentioned that he'll never be with me he corrected me and told me about the separation. It would be so nice to be with him. With all his baggage and the mess of a life we have made for ourselves... I'd rather have that with someone I am in love with, than someone with no baggage who I dont love.

I honestly dont think I can kill another baby...

2011-02-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

But the responsibility by myself without help scares the crap out of me! I came back from jury duty on Thursday and because he missed me and cant contain the pain of not being able to be with me, he actually cried and had to wipe his tears with a napkin. He turned away so I couldn't see as he told me how much he loves me and how badly he wants to be with me and how much turmoil he is in. He told me that he told his therapist he wants to have a "trial separation" from his wife and the therapist said its a good idea. To me, it seemed like he had such a sense of relief when he told me that. I actually spoke to his therapist myself since I referred him and my other friend to him so we communicate a little bit. I told the therapist I was pregnant and scared to tell him. He told me the same thing my therapist said which is "do not worry about him and what he thinks or what effect it will have on him. Do what you want to do without him in the equation" especially since I was suicidal last year. I remember all I wanted to do is die. I prayed every single day that a truck would hit me and kill me instantly. I prayed every day for that. I cried day and night. So they are both concerned with the effect a second one would have on me. So.... I think I'm just gonna have to deal with the consequences of this and choose not to kill this baby that maybe is here for a reason.

I am currently nauseous as could be, exhausted, and my boobs hurt like hell. I've been depressed and scared. Trying to ignore this. Part of me wants to just tell people but part of me wants to hide it for a while. I am terrified to tell the people it is going to effect. My daughter, her grandma who is like my mother, MM, my job. I dont want my family to find out because I have a sister and mother who are judgmental and mean. My sister would tell me will never help me because she would never condone that behavior. I know I shouldnt care what she thinks but I dont like when I get hurt or mad at her because I dont like feeling that hatred inside me. No one likes to feel that anger and hatred in them. Its a heaviness I dont want. I have enough problems right now!!!

I just want to say thank you all SO SO SO much for your comments and advice and thoughts. You have helped me more than you know. I reread them throughout the day when I am at work. I wanted to tell my best friend Mike but I couldnt get myself to tell him. I am scared to tell anyone. I told a friend of mine and she is totally supportive and willing to give me a baby shower and stuff. I wish you all lived near me. It would be fun to go out to lunch, all of us, wouldnt it?? I think so, at least... Lol.

He is on vacation this week til Friday. He was miserable and depressed that he was going to be with her and out of contact with me for 6 days. He said hes doing it for his kids and we know he has to feel so guilty for them, so he;ll take them where they wanna go now. Everyone at work was like "whats your problem? you're going on vacation and you look like you wanna kill someone!" Everyone asked me what's wrong with him and I just said he has a lot of stuff going on. I got to spend some time after work in my car with him. I laid on his shoulder and kissed him and he kept talkin and talkin to me. I was like shut up and kiss me! Last words he said were "I love you." It should be interesting when he comes back. I wonder if he'll talk to his wife when they are alone and the kids are playing and stuff. So I may not have any updates til then other than when the doctor calls to confirm my pregnancy and tell me if my beta and stuff is good.

Anyway please comment whatever you'd like. Except Mr. J. You seem to judge a lot which I don't think you have any right to.

Can't Sleep

2011-02-15T17:27:00.000-05:00

Just to clarify... I had an abortion in Sept 2009. Miscarriage in Dec 2010, and now pregnant in January. I cant sleep. I toss and turn all nioght and wake up like 5 times thinking "is this real? am i really pregnant?" Then freak out to realize "yes it is!!" I dont know what to do. I have been in jury duty this week and I am completely enjoying my break from MM. He has a valentines card for me waiting at work. whoopty doo. The day is over.

As for what to do about having a baby vs abortion, I'm 33, not 17 ya know? My body won't spring back like at 17. I dont know what to do. I think about what a relief it is that I dont have a baby right now, but I also see visions of me and a little boy. I know its a boy. I think about how if i had a baby it wouldnt destroy my life. it may destroy his life though but not mine. So I either live with the guilt of killing another baby, or the guilt of destroying his family. I see my therapist tomorrow and I will post what she says abou this disaster.

Thank you again for offering your opinions advice and stories. I really appreciate it. Though i STILL dont know what to do! Thank you though!!

Seeking guidance...

2011-02-13T12:35:00.000-05:00

Just got back from church. The lesson was about having a relationship with God and how he wants to be a part of our lives and all we have to do is ask him to be. And ask forgiveness of our sins. I remembered being 18, just graduated high school, with a baby, and my biggest moral and financial supporter, my dad, was moving to Costa Rica. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go but my mother's house whom I had resented my whole life for never being around, and now my favorite and closest person in the world was leaving me. I was a mess. If it hadn't been for going to church and learning that God really loved me and wanted to help me, I'd be dead today. Clearly we all know I have issues and I make stupid mistakes. I need to pray and ask God for help here.

I would like to tell you all I am truly grateful that I have you all to read and comment and not one of you seem to judge me. Clearly I feel bad about myself already, and this is an easy way to make me feel worse. So I just wanna say thank you for NOT making me feel that way. Even though most of you are anonymous and invisible to me.

I'm thinking I should look for a new job where I can get away from him. And if I do keep it, I dont want an audience and I dont want him to see me. I mean I sit right outside his office. I distract him as it is! I need to get away from him regardless. But is it bad to start a new job pregnant? I help him a great deal at work too. I actually helped him double his production last year, and I got a raise and he got a promotion. I'm thinking he will need my help again this year! But he will probably just spend more money on his kids. This is such a disaster. But I have to remember to meditate and seek guidance. From my dad, my grandma, God...

I am in complete shock

2011-02-12T17:59:00.002-05:00

I never blogged on January 26th. The MM and I had an amazing night of sex. He came over after work, dominated me, used his tie to choke me and fucked the shit out of me. He did NOT cum inside me, and guess wht. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boobs have been hurting, i felt bloated, I thought I should have had my period by now but I took a test and it was fuckin positive in like 5 seconds. I am in complete shock. Just SHOCK. I dont know what to do. I mean this is the third baby of his and he didnt even cum inside me like the last 2 times!

I'm gonna die. This is how I feel...

Last Years Valentine Heartache

2011-02-11T18:47:00.001-05:00

I read my journal entry from last year dated Feb 20, 2010. Thid year, I have fucking jury duty that hopefully I will get out of and that is my only time (during the day) that I would be able to see MM fo the holidy. Not that its that big of deal but I remember how romantic last year was. And I also remember him going to fucking Mexico with his family the following week. This year is a broken fuckin record! Same shit. I am going to type word for word the journal ebtry and plase keep in mind.... HIS MOTHER READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 20, 2010

I'm trying to end this dead-end-nothing-but-painful relationship, but

my feelings are so deep and strong its too difficult. He's my BEST

friend! The one I share everything with. I don't know how to handle my

emotions other than turn it into anger so I can stay strong enough to

resist him! I just hate him so much bc I love him so much. More than

anyone I ever loved before. But he HURTS me so badly!! How do you take

me out for a special romantic valentine night, give me a card and pour

your heart out in it, make deep passionate, sincere love to me, then

go on vacation with your WIFE? Oh god it makes me so sick to my

stomach! I feel like someone reaxched down, and ripped my stomach

through my throat! I've never been in such agony! I don't know If

there's anything more painful than having someone reject you and

choose someone else over you. Esp when you know they love you more.

But they don't choose you. They never choose you. They don't follow

their heart. They try to please everyone else. So painful. So

insulting. So demeaning. And the worst part is, he would love me with

unending, unmoving,unconditional love if he WASNT FUCKING MARRIED! He

makes me sick. I want him!!!! Forever!!!!! I don't want anyone else!!!

I don't want anyone else to toch me, get to know me, like me, even

LOOK at me! I don't want anyone else! Just him! But he just won't be

with me! :( (I actually drew the frown face)

1. how sick was i knowing she read that? i was mortified. i feel completely violated.
2. she told him "dont you dare take her out for valentine's day" which is proof she read this
3. nothing ever changes. i hate him for that. i need a life.

This is why I am pursuing girls for the moment so maybe I will be distracted!

Getting Physical at work.. you be the judge

2011-02-10T23:27:00.000-05:00

I wanna tell you a story that happened last night at work and I want you give your honest opinion. I am really upset about this.

The situation:

Two guys I work with, (one of them being the muffin man) got into an argument a tthe end of the day. Now, ususally I am there with "The 5:00 crew" as we call ourselves. there are 5 of us. B, L, MM, Me, and Crazy Eyes. I actually left at 5:15/5:20 yesterday, and they were all still there. I still wonder if MM's inner turmoil had to do with what happened next but it went way too far. Crazy comes over and starts talkin his negativity to B, and MM makes a comment, "no one wants to hear it, ____" and Crazy gets annoyed. Then he continues talking to B, and MM says "B doesnt wanna hear it either" and since I wasnt there and I heard 2 sides to the story, I'm not sure exactly what happened to lead to the craziness that happened next. Somehow Crazy gets pushed to the point where he has his hands around MM's neck, shoves him into his door, breaks the door stopper in the wall to thepoint where there is now a huge hole in the wall, and continues to go at him like he's gonna punch him. but L jumps in, and holds back Crazy while he is literally almost foaming at the mouth. Finally he leaves after screaming, and a few minutes later comes back to start again! B and L stand in the way to stop it from happening, and he walks away.

The arguments:

Crazy told me that MM came out of his office starting with him and that he warned him 3 times to back off or he'd flip out. MM said nothing he said would make anyone that angry, unless hes just crazy. Ive seen MM push buttons. He makes me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!! But I would NEVER lay a hand on him. Crazy Eyes does have a little chemical imbalance and I've seen him fly off the handle and he is SCARY when he gets like that! No one and nothing can calm him down!

The history:

Crazy eyes and our branch manager have known each other for a long time. He has warned him many times to stop acting like that but as he always defends him he says, well he has a good heart. Also, crazy eyes is the biggest pruducer in the company. And the Branch manager can be quoted by me saying "if I didnt know he had a good heart, I'd fire him" and that was when he flipped out screaming when clients were in the building!

The punishment:

Crazy eyes called the BM first thing in the morning to confess to save his own ass, and declared he was staying home for the day. BM told him to stay home til Monday. That was it!!!

Later on Crazy eyes calls me to tell me "his side" since I am friends with both of them, and I don't know what to believe because I wasnt there. I dont care how well you know CE, how much money he makes, or who was right or wrong, that absolutely should NOT be allowed in a work environment! I honestly want to quit now. If I didnt need my job, I'd tell them how disgusted I am with the place and how unprofessional it is on SO many levels and leave. I am definitely going to look for a new job to not only find a more professional place, but to get away from the man who brings me too much pain in my life. The one who plans on going on yet another family vacation like everythings all fuckin honky dorey. fuck him!

Judgement:

Now you be the judge and give me your thoughts on this situation

Empty Feelings

2011-02-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

What a nightmare last night was. The hot YOUNG dominican calls me and as usual, last minute, says "I can come tonight, but I have to leave tomorrow." I was less than thrilled because I hate the last minute stuff, there was ice all over the roads, and the last time I was with him I felt nothing. I was completely empty. SO I tried to make it obvious in my tone and lack of excitement that I didnt want him to come. But I forgot hes a man. Men dont "catch on," I have to be blunt and honest. So I sent him a text saying I really didnt want him to come with a bunch of excuses and he should catch a flight home. Needless to say he was upset that he flew all the way from LA to see me and when he lands, he gets those texts. He was pissed and couldnt find a flight til 630am. So now I was really upset. I didnt wanna see him. I've been "over it" for a couple weeks now. His conversations are surfaced, I barely know him, or see him. Yes he is fun and makes me laugh but he's immature. Like making loud noises and yelling in my apartment when I have neighbors. Even though I wrote in a previous blog that I have the "worst neighbors." We all know the real problem though... I'm completely in love with another man. He has my whole heart, body, mind, and soul. I cant' share it. And thats what bothers me the most. I feel so horrible that he likes me and I am being totally unfair. I can't offer him my heart or my life. It's wrapped around some married guy.
I wouldnt let him touch me. I couldnt even kiss him. I couldnt even look into his eyes. Then I kept thinking I'm sabotaging this. I couldnt figure out if I really am not interested because of his secrets, and shallow talks, and constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, too young... or am I just sabotaging it because I am in love with someone else? I'm confused about that. Well the whole night was horrible. I felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me, and was forcing himself on me. I actually got so scared I went into my daughters bed and locked the door. He sent me a long text about how bad I was making him feel and how he wanted to go home.
This morning I took my daughter to school and came back to talk to him. He didnt really talk but wanted me to kiss and make up. I was too scared to be honest because I dont know how he'll react. Will he yell? get violent? I dunno. He's so much stronger than me. So I laid there and cried my eyes out. He asked what was wrong and I explained to him how I feel empty inside when I kiss him and I dont have feelings and when i kiss a guy I need feelings. I told him how I felt about his secrets, and shallow talks, the constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, barely getting to see him, etc. So he tried as hard as he could to pull me back into where we were. Told me he wants to fix it and be my boyfriend etc. When he asked me if I wanted to just leave it alone I said no. a. i was scared, and b. I wasnt sure if I should let him go because like I said I am confused.
I took a shower and just kept crying and crying. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of my love. I love him so much and I'm so comfortable with him. Not scared, free to be myself, he doesnt annoy me, and we can read each other like a book. I couldnt stop crying! I drove him to the airport where we left it off as he was trying to "fix it" and I gave him a kiss good bye. I felt so horrible for making him feel so bad. And he felt so bad for making me upset. The only thing he did that i didnt like was forcing himself me. But in his mind he was doing what a boyfriend would do? I dunno. But if i say "im not feeling it," or "stop" that should make you back off.
I went to work so depressed. I cried half the way there. I was thinking to myself how upset I was that MM made sure he pulled me back in when this new guy came in the picture and he literally pulled me away from him. Dont DO that if you arent going to be with me!!! I was so hurt and sad and angry and guilty. I got to work and MM was leaving for a ski trip with some other guys at work so I only got to see him for 15 min. Guess what I did in those 15 min. He called me in his office to say good bye and give me a hug. He gave me such a strong long hug and I knew he was saying "i love you." I cried on his shoulder of course and walked away. I couldnt even speak words. I had to text him "have a good time. be safe." I also left a little note in his bag.
I am so in love with him and he still has to tell em what happened in his therapy session. He said he was gonna talk about me. I hope that doesnt mean hes gonna ignore me now. If hes out with the men on a trip do you think hes really gonna think about it? or me? doubtful. I honestly hope he doesnt. I hope he has a good time and is stress free. I'll have stress waiting for him when he comes back. ha!
need advice and opinions...

Taco Bell

2011-02-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

I went to a dept store after work yesterday with the MM to get keurig coffee for our Keurig he bought us. I missed the entrance and had to park in the Taco Bell lot. I walked thru snow and through the parking lot as he was calling out to me "where the hell did you go???"

We walked around the store and pointed out all this stuff we would have wanted to buy together if we lived together. In one aisle he kissed me a few times and looked at me with this look that made me feel sad. I told him this, "it makes me so sad for you that you wear your stress on your face. and theres this look you give me that shows all your worries subside and youre so in love with me. and Im the only one that gets to see that face. im the only one that gets to see you so happy and blissful." he nodded in agreement and said "youre right. it IS sad. Im just not happy"

I know how he feels about me in the way he kisses me, touches me, looks at me, and how when we are in a store together he just wants to buy me whatever I want. Makes me feel good. ya know, and sad.

So he drove me to my car and we sat in the car and kissed. It was so amazing. He held my face in his hands and kissed me softly, passionately, and with emotions from deep within. We kissed and kissed for a long time. I LOVE kissing him like that. The sad part was, he would kiss me a few times, then sigh. then kiss, then sigh... I could feel all his sadness in those sighs, and all his love for me in his kisses. I brought it up to talk to him about it and he said he IS sad because he wants to be with me so badly but he feels stuck. I know he loves his kids too. At least he will be talking to his therapist tomorrow about it. I spotted another couple two cars down doing exactly what we were doing! I said "is taco bell the hot spot for secret love affairs??" I wonder if they were in the same situation as us. I think so. Then we found a satellite radio station we both liked. channel 3! "love" smooth operator was playing. then the next song came on and I wish I could remember what it was, but he was singing the words to me. He has one of those voices that you want him to sing a little softer than the voice on the radio because its of the greatest but its cute, ya know? As he sang and looked at me the way he does as he's in love, it made me start to cry. My mind was thinking about all the places I want to travel with him and all the things I want to experience with him. The apartment we talked about having and how we would decorate it. My emotions were so mixed. In love, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. UGH! I'm SO SO SO in love with him!! He asked me why i was crying and I told him. He responded with " I really need to figure this out because every day I fall more and more in love with you. And I'm just not happy without you."
UGH!
Meanwhile my sexy latino is coming to see me this week. The last time he was here, I was thinking about MM and had no feelings towards him. It's bad. I cant have feelings for more than one guy at a time. Now I am meeting a bunch of women online and I plan on having one of them in the mix! I will continue to have fun and play the field until the love of my life makes a commitment. I think he will but no, i wont wait forever.
tune unto my other blog for the update on the women.

please go to other blog today

2011-01-29T19:58:00.000-05:00

I had too much stuff on my mind so I posted over on today's "F-ed" up thought. Would love your opinions. Especially Rafa...

His Mother Knows...

2011-01-25T20:44:00.001-05:00

Let me start off with this. He went to see his parents in December and took my journal I gave him so he could read some stuff I wrote about him. Dreams I had, my personal entries of how I feel and how much pain I am in, and things psychics have told me that were incredible. VERY PERSONAL STUFF I would only let HIM see. He never got a moment alone to read it so he hid it. Then LEFT IT THERE BY MISTAKE! I am still waiting for his mother to mail it. "My mother won't read it. If I say please mail it back but don't read it, it's someone's personal journal, she won't read it." "Are you out of your mind??? Shes a woman, she's a yentah, and she's your mother! She's reading it! Good luck with that!"

This last month he's been pulling me back in and coming on so strong, like I said. Skipping most of the detail, because I don't feel like writing a book, we went to Friday's for a drink after work on Thursday with some other coworkers. I drove him there so I could be alone with him for the short amount of time there and back. He wanted to skip it and go to my house but I said no. We went to dinner and had a great time. Afterwards, I drove him back but we mutually wanted to park somewhere and have sex. I just wanted to kiss him so badly and feel his body against mine. I haven't felt him on me in a long time. So we ended up having sex crammed in my car. Me on top of him on the passenger seat. I held back my tears at one point because I love him so much. I held onto his neck so tightly he started to laugh and said "you're choking me" he knew I was trying not to cry. "you're afraid of losing me aren't you?" he asked. "mmm hmm," i mumbled in his neck as i sniffed.

Next night I have my therapist. I have 2 hours to kill after work so I asked him to go get a drink with me again so we could talk. So we go and talk about everything! He told me how his client was telling him his daughter was getting divorced and how he firmly believes in NOT staying married for the kids. And MM told me he didn't think that was a coincidence at ALL that he spoke about that. He talked about how he is scared of getting a divorce because of his fear of losing his kids' love and how he wants to live with me and do all the things we want to do together. He said "you know I will lose half of all my money right?" "I dont care! We'll make money together!" "I'll have to give half away, you know that right?" "dont care" "you love me that much huh?" "I do"
I told him "I think you really need to tell someone already. I think you need to tell your mother whats going on." "are you crazy? my mother?" "yes! she loves you more than anyone in the whole world. And you need to get this out in the open already!" We end up talking for so long that I missed my session.

Saturday morning.
He comes over. He has not been over in months! I couldnt wait for him to make love to me because I know how he feels about me the way he kisses me. During the foreplay, my mind was racing. I was feeling guilty and thinking about my new guy (who is not my actual boyfriend yet, but he still trusts me and I feel awful) I was thinking about his wife, and about if I should be with him, will I be with him, will he get cold feet, will he really follow his heart, etc. The moment he became one with me it was the most amazing experience of my life. We are one spirit soul and body. I felt so connected with him and so close to him and like we belonged together. I was totally in love. I was sucked right back in the web I've been in.

Monday morning we are at work. Everything's fine. The phone rings, I pick it up. It's his mother. "hello dear. is my son there?" we chit chat for a moment and he picks up. I do not notice the conversation until he shuts his office door and starts yelling on the phone "YOU READ IT? I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" My heart starts pounding and I am so nervous. Please do not tell me she read my EXTREMELY personal journal! I eavesdrop on this hour and a half long phonecall and there is no doubt in my mind this is what happened. I heard him talking about his wife, about me, about his kids. Oh my fucking god. What am I going to do now? Should I talk to him? Should I not talk to him? Should I bring it up? Should I not? Finally I send him a text: she read my journal didn't she? Finally when he gets off, he is sighing, slamming papers, not saying a word. I said "are you ok?" "yeah" "was I right?" "yep. It's ok though"

Finally I speak briefly to him about it at the end of the day because I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it. We tried to focus on work. He told me she wasnt mad. She wasnt surprised. She knew he has been unhappy the last 7 years. And her biggest concern was the turmoil he is in. "I told you she read it! And dont you find it interesting that I felt in my heart you should talk to her and she called 3 days later?"

Not only did he get this phonecall yesterday, he had a fever. He was sick yesterday and today with a stomach virus I most likely gave him. So its hard to read him because my first reaction is "he hates me. He's going to push me away again just like he has been." But I cant tell if he is, or if it's all in my head because I expect the rejection, or if he's just sick! It's torture. I emailed his therapist whom he has not seen in over a month bc of insurance issues, and said please call him. He desperately needs you right now. He set up an appointment with him thank god.

Meanwhile I have my new man, who lives far away and I barely get to see him. I miss him terricbly. I am so needy of attention and affection it's a little ridiculous. But he is so patient with me and sweet to me. Our relationship is very surfaced rgiht now but I think all relationships staret that way, dont they? You get closer in time? I feel like I am not giving it 100% becasue I am still in love with this one! But to be brutally honest wiht you and myself, my biggest fear in life is that I will end up old and alone. I am scared that if I break away form MM, I will lose him forever. And I dont know if I'll find someone else forever. The new guy my not be the one either. I just don't want to lose MM because if he does go through with a divorce, I know i'll be happy with him. But then again can you really know that after two years? I dont know. Can you? I'm in turmoil....

I'm totally confused

2011-01-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

He is coming on SO STRONG, telling me how much he loves me and wants to get a divorce to be with me because he can't stnad losing me for a minute. I cried today because I feel like i fell for it AGAIN but had to remind myself when push comes to shove he wont! And i am going to be alone again.

And the new guy is in Mexico, tellin me some sketchy stuff... I dont trust either of them. I dont even know what I want now ro what to do. Im not only confused, but a little depressed too.

I wish I could see the future and know what to do.

im so in love

2011-01-10T22:40:00.001-05:00

Okay, well ya know, not literally in love... but you know what i mean

It hasnt even been a week since i last saw him and he was going to mexico for 2 weeks. Said he is doing what he needs to do (work wise) and coming to see me Thursday. Which makes his trip from 2 weeks down to 3 days. To see ME instead of the beacjh in Cancun. Can you imagine? Its been a week since I saw him. A week feels like 3 weeks. I video chatted with him and the second I saw his face i got butterflies! I forgot how friggin CUTE HE IS!!!! oh my god.

And the muffin man is all desperate trying to suck me back in... he's making it difficult. Will expand on this later.

My therapist said today "what is the right thing to do? think about it. Whats right for you?" She also said "he is making sacrifices and flying to see you every week. It makes you feel special right? Imagine, this is just the very beginning!"

I didnt even think about that.

So happy...

And she said, as for the mm, "hes saying hes thinking about marrying you now, and how he's going to do it. well first of all, why is he thinking about it NOW? he didnt think about it all along? and thinking means nothing. DOING is something else. Let him prove it."

I cant believe it

2011-01-06T22:44:00.003-05:00

I met someone new. And I have no desire to kiss or touch the muffin man. (and in response to the last post's comments, no i was NOT trying to trap him. I am just careless and a fool and I learned my lesson. Im getting an IUD thing)

Here is the story.

I went to Vegas with my gay friend. We flew to Phoenix where we had an hour layover. We went to get something to eat and my friend pointed out a "hot army guy." I turn around to look and all I saw was this tall dark and handsome guy next to him. "hes not cute. But his friend is gorgeous" I went to get a soda and I almost walked into him. My face could only see his chest as he is 6'1" and I am only 5'3". He said "excuse me" as i could barely talk... i just watched him walk by flustered. Goodbye hot guy. I'll never see you again.

We go to the gate where a hysterical young woman comes running up to me. We just learned our gate was moved to another gate. She can barely speak as she gasps for air. "you dont understand! I just missed my flight I cant miss another one!" "okay dont worry," i said, as I put my arm around her, "follow me and I'll get you where you need to go. We wont miss it. We have plenty of time" I brought her to the gate where she collapsed on the floor in relief. I went next door to buy her a water and a magazine. When i brought it back I let her tell me about her kids at home and the story of how she missed the flight etc. I consoled her, gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and got up. "I'm Jill by the way" We introduced ourselves, and i went to sit with my friend.

As we sat on the plane in our seats, front row of coach, we watched a lot of people come on. There was a rowdy guy behind me. Jill came on and waved and said, "Hi! I'm much better thank you so much!" I replied, "Good! you look great Jill!" "Do I look great?" I hear from Mr. Rowdy behind me. "Oh you look FANTASTIC!" Now we have the attention of all the people around us who are chuckling at our conversation. We proceeded to point out all the hot men and women boarding, as we whispered comments. I said "WAIT until you see this HOT GUY comin on the plane! Tall dark and handsome!" (I saw Mr. soda machine waiting at our gate.) I'm waiting and waiting and FINALLY he comes on. The rowdy guy knew immediately who it was! He points and whispers "is that him?" I nod and mouth back "thats him!"

"excuse me!" he calls out to the hot guy. "uh, she thinks youre hot!" and points to me. "who thinks I'm hot?" "ME! OVER HERE!" I call out as I wave my hand up like I'm in school being called on. He looks at me and asks, "whats your name?" "___" "He reaches his hand out to shake mine and says "nice to meet you, ___ , I'll speak to you after the flight" "okay! but you gotta see me with nice clothes on and make up on and stuff! I look kinda crappy now" "oh thats ok, I dont even have a change of clothes<" he says. "YOU DONT NEED CLOTHES!" i call out as he walks back to his seat. Everyone on the plane in earshot laughs out loud. "Yep," Mr. Rowdy says, "shes goin to Vegas all right! You're definitely gonna have a good time"

I get off the plane and walk sloooowly hoping he'll come talk to me. But then I say to myself, oh please hes not coming, and we walk a little faster now. All of a sudden he come sup to me from behind. We trade numbers and I find out hes not even gonna be in Vegas! He's from North Carolina. I'll never see him again. But wait! I remember our plane has a layover on the way back at none other than Charlotte, NC where he's from! "let me see your tickets" he says as I find out he works for the airline. "If you remember me after your Vegas trip, I'll meet you at the gate in Charlotte."

We texted each other the whole trip, he met us at the gate with starbucks and upgraded our tickets to first class. I spent an hour with him and he sent me back to my gate as he was supposed to be working! He even had me paged at the gate where he called me on the phone. He was just so cute. "Hello Beautiful" I hear on the other end. He made me feel very special that day.

I have not stopped communication with him since the airport and he came to visit new years eve until tuesday night. My racist, prejudiced, homophobic, judgemental mother was staying with me until Sunday and she made is horrible. I thought for sure he would have left on Saturday. She wouldnt acknowledge him. Wouldnt say a word. We slept at my friends house Saturday night to be away from her. I had to leave him there where he was welcome while i taught Sunday School. When I came home, I got in a big fight with my mom as she tried to come up with reasons to hate him. "I cant believe you would bring home some random BLACK guy who is clearly only using you for sex! He'll probably get you pregnant or give you AIDS!" "HES NOT BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! H E IS NOT BLACK!!! Get it through your head! He's dominican! And so what if he WAS black? I thought he was black at first, didnt bother me!" I had to defend myself and him over and over and over. Yes i saw his ID, and I saw his badge at work, and he went to college, and he has his own money, and he bought you your sandwich, and works for the government for the airline therefor he is not a murderer, hes NOT BLACK, hes NOT a liar, hes NOT married, he is NOT using me for sex, etc etc. I was so mad at her I was screaming and crying and had to leave. She has now made it her mission to find something wrong with him.

My friends all tell me he's too young, or he's just a rebound guy, or he lives too far, it will never work, or this won't last so just have fun for now. My mother is clearly against it, and muffin man is freeeakking out. He wants me so badly now... please. Now that I am moving on you want me??? Seriously??? The other men in my life are all also very jealous. When he came to visit I was so happy. We both were! He makes me feel like a woman. He is the personality that he takes control with the "manly" things like driving and paying for things, and holds me when I cry, and tells me how beautiful I am. And he likes when I take care of him by making him dinner or giving him a vitamin or cuddling with him and warming him up when hes cold. When he left he sent me a text message that said "I need my vitamin" He said he wants me to come visit him so I can paint all day and rest. And let him take care of me.

This new guy is a dream. And the sex is incredible. He does all the things I have BEGGED the other guys to do and wouldnt do it or couldnt. He is rough and I love it! And he kisses me passionately. I know how he feels about me in his kiss. It changed as the days went on. He flew his sister up Monday night and we went out. The 2 of them have texted me "I miss you" and his sis said "he NEVER introduces me to any girls! I was shocked"

This week at work, the muffin man has been nasty because he is freaking out he's losing me and cant control his emotions. Well I told him, "guess what douchebag! This is how I have felt every single day the last two years of my life!" I had no desire to kiss him or touch him. The feelings dissipated. I'm so happy with the new guy I have no desire to lust after, love, or date anyone else. It was love at first sight...at the soda machine. (kidding) Not sure how to handle the mm at work though. He kissed me today and I was kind of MAD! I pulled away. I told him "how dare you. You want to pull me back to you to this dead end situation? and keep me in this pain when i found someone to make me happy?" he got mad and stormed away. I told him "too little, too late buddy. I told you you'd regret it."

I have never had so many people hating on my relationship with someone I am happy with! Not sure what to think of it. I had a good feeling in my gut about him and he told me his mother taught him to never pass up an opportunity because you never know what will happen. I am thankful he followed that advice. We make each other very happy. I will post the picture of us for a couple days and then I am taking it down. Tell me what you think.

Wait til you hear this one...

2010-12-23T23:48:00.000-05:00

It was a year ago that I found out I was pregnant, and waited to tell him until he got back from hos trip to Florida to visit his parents. And I had the abortion I still regret in October, and was depressed until exactly this time. A year ago today I went ot see that psychic who was so unbelievably amazing. She prayed for me and the heavy weight was lifted off of me that night.

Well I have been bleeding for for a couple weeks now, and went to the dr. Turns out I am pregnant again and havign a miscarriage. This time when i told him, I didnt wait til he went away. And he was amazingly calm. I tried to post my bday card and what he wrote to me and what he said to me but I hit something and it was gone. I didnt have the patience to retype it. Basically, he is changing as a person and owes it all to me. Well lucky me that hes a better person and I'm in pain.

Anyway I was crying a lot when i found out I was pregnant. 1. i was scared 2. i couldnt decide what to do again. 3. we are idiots! then I found out I was having a miscarriage and then i cried again because i was scare that I did permanent damage to my body! I think i had one sometime this year but i dunno. I didnt bleed at all today and the nurse said pray you bleed otherwise you need a dnc.

And in the midst of all this... I MET A NEW GUY! FINALLY!!! I have a great story about how I met him!!! I went to Las Vegas for a weekend and I met him on the plane going from Phoenix to Vegas. He is tall dark and handsome. Sexy, young, and fun! Finally, I met someone to distract me from "Mr. Dead End." He lives in Charlotte, NC. I will write the whole story in another post bc it is a great story.

In the meantime, I wait to see if I will bleed, get a DNC, or have a miracle baby. I will keep you posted.

Beautiful Disaster

2010-12-12T23:40:00.002-05:00

so my birthday is coming up this wednesday. Here is my schedule for the week. Tuesday nt he is bringing me as his guest to his networking group's Christmas party, Wednesday is my bday, and he usually takes me out to lunch, then we have our company christmas party, then we are going to a yoga/meditation class, then to see his friend play in his jazz band since I love jazz. Should be a good day providing I dont cry. I usually do because I'm so sad I can't be with him. Thursday or Friday nt we were supposed to go to this restaurant I want to go to but I told him if he can't do it I'll be ok since Wednesday I'll be with him all night.

Last week we went to dinner with a prospect and first and foremost, the guy is coming in to open an account this wednesday. Secondly, we stayed after it was over, at the table. He is afraid to tell me the words "I love you" this past year but he replaces it with "I appreciate you" and "I'm crazy about you" Just tell me you love me because you do!! Besides, I can see it in his eyes! It pours out of him. He stared at me with those beautiful green eyes pouring out rivers of love. DO you know what I mean? Has anyone seen this? Its incredible. He says "where do all these feelings for me come from?" "I dont know! Its just so strong! Im crazy about you!" So I asked him back "Where do YOURS come from?" "I dont KNOW! But theyre there, and they're strong"

Well great. But you cant be with someone youre that in love with??? Then I started to cry. The thought of his wife and kids and how I'm a secret, is so painful I cant contain those tears. It just hurts so badly. He told me "I really hope you understand I know how you feel! I feel the same way! I dont wear my heart on my sleeve like you do, but I am in pain too. I'm crazy about you! I feel trapped in my situation just like you"

Did that make me feel better? Sort of. Not completely.

I did this meditation yesterday that dealt with self-sabotage. It started out with realizing how I sabotage myself. One of the biggest areas is my love life. I thought to myself "I rob myself of happiness. Of a true and happy relationship." Then it goes to digging deep to where the root of it is. I could NOT find the answer. I know I have feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. But I couldnt find where it came from. Then we went to picturing myself in this happy place being completely successful in the area I am dealing with. I pictured myself with HIM! I tried to picture myself with another man. I thought about this man I always dreampt of. I remembered how I always believed there was a man just for me. Waiting for me like I am waiting for him. I am a very unique person and I need a unique man. I am difficult and stubborn and I need a patient loving man. But someone who makes me HOT! Someone like the muffin man. That night we walked out of the restaurant and just kissed and kissed. Ont he sidewalk, in his car... I attacked him. Kissed his face everywhere. I love when he giggles when I attack him. I love him so much I am actually starting to cry right now writing this. Anyway back to the meditation. As I pictured this imaginery guy in my head, travelling with me to France, I kept getting a bigger, brighter, louder picture into my head of me and the muffin man on a beach, staring at each other. The warm sun shining, the peace around us, the feeling of complete satisfaction and unending joy. Then I would force myself to go back to the other guy in my head and that feeling would go away. I didnt know what to do. It was easy to picture him but I had to FORCE myself to think of someone else. Is it that I'm not ready to move on? Or do I believe he is my only happiness and I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way he does? If he could be mine, I guarantee I'd be SO happy. He is worth waiting for if I knew the wait would bring him to me.
Then it brought me to a point where I had to think about the good things I feel and what I get out of sabotaging myself. I feel in control. No one can control me. I choose to stay in a fucked up situation. It was difficult though because he is my joy but also the sabotage to gaining that joy. You know what I mean? I am sabotaging myself of being with a lover who is my everlasting joy, yet the one I am sabotaging myself with, is the one I want to be my lover. Then I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Of course I started with the abortion. I cant forgive myself for that! I believe God forgave me but I cant forgive myself! WHY?
here is the mediation. The site is amazing. I try to go to it daily.

http://store.debbieford.com/index.php?cPath=14_20#meditations

Meanwhile he has been meditating and filling his spirit with constant positive affirmation and he has been amazing with me. So nice, so patient, so understanding and loving. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Yet I love my job! What do I do? This really is a beautiful disaster.
These words are perfect for me and him. Loving someone with that pain intertwined. He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe, a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. (I am the friggin tradegy though) And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful? or just a beautiful disaster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY&feature=related

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM.

no i have not left him yet

2010-12-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

The problem is we work so well together because we care about each other. We see each other every day and we have feelings for each other. But I feel at work, the way he does in his marriage. Yes its mot the happiest it can be and its not ideal and there is pain mixed in, but its not so unbearable that I have to leave. Where am I going to go in this economy? I love my job and get paid a decent amount and he pays for a lot of extra things on top of that for me.

Lately though, its been kind of weird. It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day. Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I appreciate you very much . I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?

Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot. I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!

I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me. I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him. I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.

I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him. Which I cant really do right now. I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.

porn

2010-11-19T23:08:00.002-05:00

ok i used to like porn and couldnt get enough of it. until I started researching sex trafficking. then i would see stuff and wonder "is she doing this because she likes it? or because she's being forced to?" I went to pornhub.com and clicked on "teen" category. the very first photo was an asian girl who looked about 11 years old! didnt even have boobs yet! not even mosquito bites! i couldnt believe it! what do people think when they see that? do they just try to ignore it? i dont get it. and why does the person who is so conscious of sex trafficking the one who sees that first??? i have seen some absolutely disgusting photos and horrifying videos. it doesnt even turn me on anymore! i cant even watch more than 2 minutes before my stomach starts turning and the lust i enjoyed turns to disgust and when i make myself cum i get tears in my eyes. its ruined for me! then i think about as i browse the 1000's of videos out there, how many videos are being made and how many people are being violated and how much SEX is going on in the world! my god, is it disgusting! it literally makes me sick. and I have no one to talk about this to because I dont want people knowing i watch porn!!!

its horrifying. and somewhat depressing i cant enjoy it...

just read some old posts... and wow.

2010-11-14T20:11:00.001-05:00

I just read some old posts, and I sound like the biggest loser! I have ZERO self worth and self esteem, I am totally pathetic, and all my posts hold so much PAIN and torment! What a loser I am to put up with this dead end love for so long! And I cant thank you all enough for being SO sweet to me and compassionate and wishing me joy and peace and love. If that were me reading someone else's blog I would have told them straight up how pathetic they sounded.

I really need to move on. The good thing is that when I read the old posts, it makes me feel better to know I really have lost some of my attachment and hope. I have given up and my heart has become distant. I was hanging on with the last thin strand knowing HE will regret losing me. But I honestly feel like its too late now.

I read the blog entry about the holiday cards and the labels... NOTHING HAS CHANGED! He is STILL making me do it and he is still sending out the bullshit "picture perfect family" card! The only thing that changed is that I said I'd make the cards and send them. I have given up. I just wish I didnt have to work with him and see him every day. Thats what makes it hard to let go! If I didnt have to see him every day, forget it. He'd be history.

I will continue to remind myself through my old blogs how much pain he brings me. As I read them I just wanna get him out of my life! Like I am reading it as an outside person. I laugh at my patheticness. I think I should just give this guy a chance that loves me because he treats me right and is always looking for ways to make me happy. And it makes him happy when i say hi or email him or hug him or cuddle with him. He has no clue the animal I am in bed... I think he'll be pretty happy about it should I choose to stop being a loser!

the client event

2010-11-13T12:51:00.001-05:00

Regarding my last post, I spoke to my therapist. She is wonderful. She told me that when I give love it comes back to me. and it may not come back from him, but it will come back from somewhere else and to NOT stop giving what's in my heart because it will come back. Meanwhile it has, but from someone else. Also, in the meantime, mm's eyes have been opened to what I do for him and he went out and bought me the Audrey 100 book with a note that said "I DO listen, I DO appreciate you, and my life would never be the same if you didnt do what you do for me day in and day out" It meant a lot to me. Especially relating to work. He gave it to me at work and it was an appreciation for all the work I do for him. He went at 9:30 at night to get it because he knew I'd absolutely love it and did I ever!! Perfect gift.

this is my favorite picture. I actually make this face when I'm with him. The biggest compliments I got from quite a few people at work and home was "you look like her! especially that one!"

There are 100 pictures of Audrey in here and I have a few in my house hanging up. Very thoughtful gift. VERY.

So Thursday night we had a client appreciation event which was dinner and a play. The Lion in Winter. I got to do the entire thing. The caterer, the room, the tickets, the invites, etc. I had a great time. The best part was him letting his walls down. I gave him a glass of wine right away and said "drink up so I can take advantage of you!" LOL! I amuse myself. The best thing he said that night before the show started was "I cant hide that I'm just captivated by you" I said "what?" just so I could hear it again! then at the show I sat next to him and he was really sweet. Held my hand, gently caressed it with his fingers, etc. Told me the young girl, mistress, in the play reminded him of me because she just lived to make the King happy. Loved him with all her heart and even gave him his wine the way I gave mm his wine only an hour earlier.

Later we kissed in the hallway and in the room we rented as we got the leftovers, and had sex in the back of my new car. Had to christen it, ya know?

I started to feel a little weird as we had sex. I dont know if it was that i was physically ill, or if it was my emotions. I'm really scared that I am going to move on and by the time he realizes he wants me, I will be gone. I know I think about the future and the "what if's" too much and thats enough to make anyone sick. I even told him that night, "you WILL regret losing me"

thoughts anyone?

the painful decision

2010-11-08T21:28:00.001-05:00

I hate him so much. I think I'm gonna keep a knife or something with me and every time that fucking disgusting selfish prick comes to my mind or I am nice to him, or think I want to be with him, I have to remind myself he brings nothing but pain to me! I will just cut myself (lightly) to remind myself HE=PAIN! He is disgusting. nothing but a user and a coward. Maybe THEN i can GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD HE WILL NEVER BE WITH ME! I am a fucking IDIOT for thinking so!!!! He only brings me pain and misery!! He made me kill my baby and for that, he cannot be forgiven. Not by me.

All this time I've tried to protect him and HIS feelings while sacrificing my own! I can GUARANTEE he will end up like all my exes and regret what hes doing... letting me go. He will come back like the rest of them begging me and crying and stewing in his own loneliness. No one cared or will ever care about him like I do. I have loved him with unconditional selfless love. I learned from Jesus how to love and how to give yourself completely and when you get spit in the face, love some more. I have loved him with everything I could,. And I begged and pleaded with him to not let me go for the sake of his own future. And unfortunately he is too stubborn to listen. By the time he realizes he wants me enough to give up what he needs to, I will have moved on! It will be too late for him. Its just so sad because I have held on so long just to protect him and I cant anymore. I went into this with wanting to please him KNOWING I'd end up heart broken and I did it anyway. I waited and held on, and I've had my heart broken and shattered and just couldn't get through to him. And when I get over him and move on, and my heart is cold towards him, he will come back and it will be too late. He will realize later on he made the wrong choice but it will be over. He will deeply regret it just like the rest.
Oh well. His loss. I will move on to someone who loves me first! Someone who treats me right. And he will live in regret. And I wont feel sorry for him. I will say "I told you so" He makes me sick to my stomach. He never ever deserved an ounce of my love. Ever. He is a piece of shit that needs to be flushed down the toilet!
He disgusts me.

2010-11-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

went on a date last night with the guy i was talking about. the one who's in love with me that i am not feeling the same way towards. Especially since I am in love with the muffin man! went to the city to see Brian Regan. He paid for these tickets for us. $60 a piece. Paid for the whole evening.

Tell me if I'm a snob.

Every other guy I go out with would drive in the city and park. They would pay for the entire evening. I find it sexy when a man can drive in the city. I have major anxiety issues and should probably be on medication for it but I'm not. I absolutely HATE public transportation for the mere fact I hate "catching a train" taking a dirty smelly subway when I have no clue where I'm going, I feel so bad for all the poor people I cant help, it really bothers me when I see men sitting and not giving their seats up for women children and the elderly, and I hate having to be places at certain times. It makes me a nervous wreck! So usually I go into the city with a man who drives me in, we go where we are going, and get there early so we dont have to rush, or we just stroll into a restaurant and take our time and leave.

This one, however, tells me he's coming at 6 to get me, rings the bell at 5:58, which totally pisses me off... I wasnt ready! My outfits were all horrible. "I'll be too cold!" "I look fat" "too dressy" Too casual" ''too uncomfortable" etc! I was rushing like a lunatic and by the time we start to leave I am already having such bad anxiety I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I was sick the whole car ride. Mainly because I knew we were driving to a train station! then we had to take the train to the city, then a subway to Lincoln Center. I take the train when I go see my uncle in the city, but theres no time pressures! i tell him "I'll be there between 1 and 4!"

so we miss the first train. my fault. he said it was ine there was another one in 20 minutes. So im sitting in the train station, feeling sick, cant breathe, needing a shot of alcohol! we take the train to the subway where they were working on the tracks and we were totally delayed! Had to take a cab to lincoln center. Anyone ever notice how the cabs wreak of sweaty ass when you get in? why is that? I snet the muffin man a text while i fantasized about giving him a blow job in the cab, and was texting the other guy i go out with who drives me telling him he spoiled me! anyway we rush to get there and just made it on time. I got a shot of rum to relax and went in the show. I dont want to be with a guy who barely has money. Is that a horrible thing? I have struggled with money my whole life and if I could be with someone who had money I'd rather have that than a poor guy. or a mediocre guy. I dont need a millionaire! trust me. Im not a gold digger. Im just saying I can choose what type of guy I fall in love with. Why not choose a guy who has enough money to drive into the city?

We were in the theater and I'm thinking to myself "ugh. We're in the city and can't even go out and do something fun! I dont have the money to pay for us both and I feel guilty spending his money! Now I have to schlep on a friggin train and subway again." I didnt complain to him because how dare i complain when he paid for it all. My sister told me I complain and sound completely ungrateful about things when people do things for me and I conciously tried to NOT complain. But I was cringing inside. Does this mean I'm high maintenance? or a snob? or a bitch? or a brat?

The men who spoil me never feel bad when I complain. They just tell me to shut up and get over it. They say "youre so annoying" or "youre such a brat" and they couldn't care less. obviously, since they continue to take me out. Maybe my problem is I really didnt want to be with him! Maybe if I was in love with him it wouldnt matter if we were on a train! YES!!! thats IT!!! I took a train with my muffin man and I kissed him the whole time and even had my hand in his pants! I wouldnt have cared where we were or what we did! as long as I was with him! oh my god! revelation!

ok what should i do???

Maroon 5 - Misery

2010-10-30T00:20:00.000-04:00

its over yet i still hang on

2010-10-30T00:17:00.000-04:00

its really pathetic that I'm afraid to let him go but heres the reason. I have met so many people who marry the person who is "good for them" or who would make a good wife/husband but down the road they aren't happy. they aren't satisfied or fulfilled. im so afraid of pursuing this guy who is in love with me, Mike, because he's a safe guy. boring, safe, and way too into me. And the muffin man, we send funny emails back and forth each day, theres major attraction and chemistry, he makes me laugh every day, and even through the fighting and the bad, he still makes me crazy for him. i think i'm used to the dysfunctional relationships based on my past, but I don't want to lose someone I love SO deeply. Im sure you think I'm pathetic but I'd rather be alone than be with someone I dont love and cheat on them. Because I'm afraid I might be the cheater.

This is torture. At least he is in counseling and he brought his wife. Guess what will happen. He will get the proof he needs to say "I want out" but the thing i'm worried about is will I be there? Probably not. I cant let myself be THAT pathetic! I'm just drowning in my own misery and pain, holding onto to something by its last thread.

and by the way.. this is what our relationship is like. A little less violence, a little more love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g6g2mvItp4 (i posted it separately. dont know how to add it to a post)

Finally got a computer!

2010-10-02T16:59:00.001-04:00

I got some good stories!!!

They involve the naughty places we had sex at work! I think we must be crazy. Or at least I am. The latest thing we did started at his desk. He was fingering me and I cannot believe how ridiculously soaking wet I was. And he barely did anything! When he took his fingers out there was so much it was as if he came on his own fingers.

We then snuck into the filing closet where we moved some boxes and had sex. God it was extremely difficult to stay quiet!!! I had him cum in my mouth because it was just safer that way. He was so excited at the fact that we were at work in a closet that he had a hard time NOT cumming too quickly. Please tell me thats normal for any
age.

I've been looking for other guys and slept with a couple other guys but no one does it for me like mm does. For now. The best news I have about him though, is that after MUCH struggle and hard work, I finally got him to go to a therapist and he really likes him a LOT! I am so happy and thankful he has someone to talk to and open up to because until now, he had no one. And the weirdest part is, after a few sessions, I realized that I went to middle school with the guy! I remembered the name, pictured him in my head, and had him ask him if he was from my town. Sure enough I was right. How weird is that?

Thats all for now... I miss everyone on here. havent been on here in a while!!!!

confused...

2010-07-25T13:14:00.000-04:00

i dont know what i want. im still in love with and willing to wait to muffin man but i also know that will take a long time. im not sure what kind of man i want either. i dont know if i want a man with money because i dont want to be dependent on HIS money, i want to make my OWN. but then again if he has money maybe he could help me do what i actually want to do. but then i'll always feel like i owe him, or indebted to him. i hate that feeling. a couple people said thats MY problem and i need to deal with that or ill never find anyone. i dont know. i clearly have problems...

i struggle between wanting to have my own business and working and being successful and being a wife. i feel like im from the 30's/40's and want to take care of my husband like they did then and through the 50's. i wish i had a husband i loved who i could take care of the second he walks in the door. spoil him when he comes in and take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet and the place is clean when he gets home. i think that is very important, however, all i think of is how many men cheat on their wives with exciting wild women which i tend to be. the other woman. i definitely have a fear of my husband cheating. I WONDER WHY!

and its so hard to find someone to do all the things with me that i want to do. its so sad that mm would do MOST things with me, but cant. it really shouldnt be hard to find someone to take me to a burlesque show, or to fantasy fest in key west, or to a janiva magness outdoor concert in the city... i think those things are fun! it IS hard to find someone to go to a 30 seconds to mars concert in A.C. though. i need someone who gets the art of them. or of other things. and someone who is adventurous enough to explore other stuff. and someone who doesnt treat me like shit but someone who isnt pathetic and too eager. its so frustrating. i could find so many guys who would love to do all those things and who are attracted to me and theyre all fuckin married! ASEUIYDVNJSDJKFHLKJGHLSKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!! I honestly dont know what to do... im pretty much about to give up on ever finding the right guy for me.

pathetic

2010-07-13T19:30:00.001-04:00

my phone wont let me post anymore and im pretty upset about it.

so im still working there. still sleeping with him, but ive met other guys and slept with other guys and im pretty much over it. im using him for sex in the meantime til i find someone else. his pathetic cowardly weakness to follow his heart is such a turn off. he cant make up his mind, he doesnt have the strength to push thru what he has to in order to get what he wants, and hes satisfied in the misery. pathetic. i dont even want him anymore. and i noticed hes the same way at work. he has never ONCE followed through on something he promised me or suggested. not one fucking time! i said i needed $40 to cover my rent check and he said hed give it to me. next day, didnt even have $20. didnt have a thing to give me. I told him ill never ask him for a thing again. Thats something i desperately NEEDED!! he disgusts me.

im just so over it. i met a HOT SEXY 23 year old who wants to take me out and let me tell you, that boy knows how to take care of me. he was amazing. he would grab my hair and throw me up against the wall and kiss me softly in a teasing way. actually respects me enough to take me OUT before he sleeps with me! only made out. he is SEXY!

also been talking to a guy i went to high school with. single. good job. great personality. EXTREMELY good looking. he invited me to see him so i hope it works out. i really do. but i have to LOWER my expectations because all i do is get disappointed.

my ex married boyfriend, the rich millionaire cane to see me in his fancy car. told me how much he regrets letting me go. how he has this fancy penthouse in the city and all this money but hes lonely a could be and how if he wasnt married hed scoop me up and let me do whatever i want ands take me around the world. now i can tell you he is very sincere and makes good on a promise. but im not interested anymore. NOT INTERESTED! im tired of the whole thing. i dont even know what else to say about it.

and thats that...

...continuation of the park

2010-06-06T14:40:00.000-04:00

so we were on the swing together, and kissed a lot. it only takes a thought or the slightest touch to get us going. we were discussing how if i had had a skirt on, he couldve just slipped right into me. but unfortunately i had pants. none of this was planned.

i decided to get off of him, and go on the monkey bars. i had always wanted to see if I could still flip off like i used to. this set of mokey bars was not the kind we remember as kids though. Now it has all different heights. its low at one part and higher at the other part. i went to the lowest part and climbed on top. i told him to come up there and fuck me right there! ha ha! he wouldnt of course. but he did say he would if it were dark. so i hung myself upside down and was swinging back and forth. he was all nervous and kept saying can you please get down?

shortly after, i mumbled, "uh oh." "what? youre stuck right?" "maybe i dunno," i answered, "come here! come help me!" so he comes to stand by me trying to figure out how to get me down when i see right in front of my upside down eyes, his crotch. "wait a minute!!" i called out. "DON'T MOVE!" i couldnt help myself! i unzipped his pants and pulled out his nice hard cock just WAITING for me to suck it. "what the hell are you doing?" he nervously called out. "are you CRAZY?" "mm hmm!" i said as I enjoyed licking and sucking every inch of him. He nervously looked around to make sure no one was looking. As the blood was slowly rushing to my head and i was balancing myself dangling from my ankles, i was mesmorized and enjoying every minute of it! he came in my mouth and i swallowed it upside down. what a thirill it was! After his pants were back zipped up and he was laughing in astonishment, he sort of helped me up, but i figured it out. i jumped down and we both walked away laughing. "do you understand how CRAZY that just was? how crazy YOU ARE?" he asked e. "uh yeah it was awesome! SO much fun!" ive never done that before and im sure many people havent. as we walked away we saw some mothers staring at us so we went the OTHER way. As we walked around the school there were tons of more parents and kids and a little league game going on. oops! only adds to the thrill. no one saw though so we were FINE!

anyway i told him, "told you you'd have fun! i TOLD YOU!" but even if i hadnt done that, we still wouldve had fun. we have fun no matter WHAT we do!! which is why im so fuckin CRAAAAAZY about the asshole!!!

AAAAGH!!!

2010-06-05T21:46:00.000-04:00

my stupid phone wont let me post ANYTHING!!! i only have a minute so ill make it quick. judging by the pain and the type of bleeding i had the baby aborted itself about 1-2 weeks in. then i broke up with the ass. but since i have to work with him its been MISERABLE! i HATE my job! the only thing i like is being more of a personal assistant. but its for HIM! so i am forced to get along. i cried every day last week and this week i was a little better. we talked, and he was pretty nice. so we were comfortable again. i think he felt responsible for my misery and couldnt bare it. so then i told him one day last week. follow me after work i wanna borrow you for 2 hours. so he did and he was so anxious to find out where we were going. he followed me to my elementary school playground! he was baffled of course. i told him "trust me we'll have fun!" so we walked around and i told him stories about when i was young. how i used to tie up the little weeds that look like flowers and make jump ropes, and how i brought my cabbage patch kid to school every day. then i told him to come sit on the swing next to me while i swang on one. so when he got on his, i straddled him and we talked. and kissed. then he told me how he tried to force his feelings to go away but they never die. honestly, its getting old. either grow a fuckin set and get a divorce or help me find a job to get the fuck away from you!

anyway the BEST part of the story is coming up but i have no time. i will write it tomorrow. it was fantastic! thanks to me of course and my crazy ideas and his willingness to let me do whatever i want!

Two Prophetic Dreams

2010-05-04T19:37:00.000-04:00

Dream one:
Sunday night, may 2nd, 2010

Muffin man was driving his car, I was in the passenger seat of his wife's car and she was driving following him in his car. He was driving really fast and we lost him. Instead of her calling him, she told me to call him and didn't seem to care that we lost him. So I called him, we bickered a little like we always do, and I hung up. Seemed as if he was my boyfriend now and she knew and was like "you can have him." i think i was pregnant in the dream too.
Then we veered off the way of following him, and she went to pick up their 2 daughters. They certainly did not hate me which is good. Then we picked up my daughter. The dream left off with her in her car with her two kids and me and my daughter half in and half out of her car but he was alone far gone still driving. But still in contact with me through phone. Meaning he'd be coming back to me. Not her.
My interpretation:
She will find out about us, decide not to be with him anymore, he'll keep telling her he wants to work it out and to "follow" him some more but she will lose him because he is only caring about himself and his life, and she will pretty much hand him over to me and say he's all yours now. She will get custody. As for what happens with me and him and the baby? Not sure. I wasn't with him. He didn't take me with him, he was alone. Driving fast!
The significance of me and her in the car seems to me that he wants her and me on the side. Wants both of us.
But she's gonna find out. Who would stay married to someone who has had an affair and is in love with someone for two years? And if she finds out about the abortion and if I am pregnant again? He needs to confess but he won't. He keeps trying to cover it up and its gonna come out. But he was driving so fast its like no one can talk any sense into him!

Dream two:
Monday night, May 3rd, 2010

this dream was not dreampt by me. this was from a coworker! friggin amazing!!

I was in total and complete shock today when a coworker came up to me this morning and said this.
"oh my God! I had the most amazing dream about you last night! it was so REAL! it freaked me out it was so real! I dreampt I was in the delivery room with you and you were giving birth to a baby boy. And i saw him and held him and he was SO CUTE! he had a full head of dark hair and he was chubby! ooo he was so chubby and cute! and you-know-who was close by! he was there. But I couldn't believe how real it was! When I woke up I was shocked i was in a dream!"

I could NOT believe she was telling me this! I have had dreams and visions of me being pregnant with a boy and being with him. This is just more confirmation. I can literally see my baby in my womb in the spirit and I pray over it every day! He better get ready to have a son, cuz hes coming!!

As for the other guy i was seeing, i noticed its hard for me to look into his eyes because my heart is somewhere else. and hes boring...

I can take the early pregnancy test Sunday and I will post as soon as I know for sure.

i decided...

2010-04-28T19:56:00.000-04:00

so... heres the latest.

~he has a lot going on with his family and is one moody mother fucker
~i no longer have the energy or patience to keep giving while getting on half my return
~we had amazing sex monday because i was ridiculously horny
~he asked me if i was ovulating, i said possibly, yet he still came inside me.
~found out i was definitely ovulating until friday. guess what. sperm lives inside you for five days. i prayed about it saw myself with a toddler... um yeah no doubt i'm pregnant. after the third pregnancy, i have had enough. i REFUSE to keep killing my babies for this prick so he can continue cheating on his wife.
~i decided to break up with him. i'm done with this drama.

so... in a nutshell....

i'm most likely pregnant, im dumping his pathetic ass, and im getting a new job to get away from him.

you may be shocked at this post

2010-04-15T16:41:00.001-04:00

Tuesday was muffin man's birthday. He came over after work for a couple hours because a. We never got to go to lunch and b. I wanted to spoil him and destress him like i usually do. He's been really stressed about his dads health and his family being neurotic about it. I felt horrible that it happened on his birthday but my feelings couldn't be contained any longer. For weeks I've been holding in my pain and anxiety about us. I finally bursted into tears telling him I can't do this anymore and we need to break up. I told him everything I said in the last post. He was heartbroken but because I am so completely in love with him I wiped my tears and kissed him all over and took care of him like I love to do. After all it was his birthday and I friggin broke up with the poor guy!! He said I didn't ruin it and he was amazed how much I love him that I always think of him.
Next day is wednesday. I told him we need to go see my therapist together (remember he knows her) and he had told me he would one day. I called her and asked her to move my appointment to that day if possible and told him he is going. I said you'd be at the gym at 6 so you're coming to see her with me at 6. End of story.
And he did! I was shocked. And not only that he couldn't have been more open! Long story short, she pulled out of him what he wants in this relationship and he told us he wanted to make it work and expressed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He asked me if I could wait for him to sort things out but without the promise that I would definitely be with him. I couldn't answer that. I said what if I wait and you tell me you're gonna work things out with your wife and you can't see me anymore? I asked him do you have any idea how that would crush me?
He promised to continue going with me and sort this all out. Clearly he loves me and quite frankly I was shocked. Seemed like a dead end to me. It meant a lot.
Now my next problem is the other guy I've been hanging out with!!!! This is getting sticky...

Its coming to an end now

2010-04-11T16:16:00.000-04:00

Im pretty much at the end of my rope now. i've been analyzing this situation and what I came up with was that no matter what the outcome, it's bad. if i continue this, i stay the "girlfriend on the side" always hurt, always crying, never feeling like my actions and love are returned to me in the same measure given, alone on friday and saturday nights, and more days and nights crying my eyes out. always missing him, always longing for more, never enough. always feeling slighted and sick to my stomach. If and when I break up with him, I will then cry my eyes out for who knows how long, feel my heart being ripped out of me, and feel empty inside. I will not only lose my lover, but my best friend. My only friend at work, my only friend in life. I will be heart broken. If he does leave his wife for me, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Like I came and took what didnt belong to me. Even if that isnt technically true, because there are two of us involved and it woiuld be his decision, I'll always feel that way. and the pain inflicted on his family would come back to me as if I did that to them. Who can live with that?

So I figured the best and only option in this scenario is to love him enough to let him go. As painful as it will be I have to let him go. It pisses me off when i try to and he runs back to me and sucks me back in but I have to be strong enough to resist him and his captivating eyes. his eyes are amazing. When you look into them especially when hes standing outside and the sunlight hits them, they look like tropical waters. This color:

I need the strength to resist him! He causes me too much pain! Luckily I met someone else who I have become friends with and I think I will pursue him more and let the muffin man go. I have done nothing but love him and pour my heart and life into him. For nothing! For an abortion that went against my beliefs and still haunts me to this day! I still think about it all the time. "How many months would I be now? How big would my stomach be?" It will forever haunt me. And I was naive to think he'd actually man up to it but he didnt. He'll never stand up for what he wants. It hurts me to think one day he may look back at his life and be miserable at his choices and regret a lot. I dont want to live in regret and I always made it a point to never do anything I'd regret. And that abortion ruined it for me. But no more. Im done with this shit. Time to move on.

the higher you go the harder you fall

2010-03-23T22:38:00.001-04:00

It really sucks when you want to comfort the love of your life in his time of need but you can only give so much... Because he's married and you are a secret. I can only be there for him so much, but I can't reeeally be there. I can't sit with him and hug him, listen to him, be there, take care of him.... I can't lay with him in bed at night I can't rub his back, give him a massage, kiss him... I can't! And this hurts so badly because I just want to love him and I can't! I have to love him from a distance! Its like my love for him is bursting, and he's putting the lid on tighter. He's so hurtful. Just fuckin be with me or get out of my life! Let me find someone who will LET me love him!

im back...

2010-03-20T19:17:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I haven't been blogging. not sure if its because the muffin man has been attempting to keep his walls up, or because i have been, or because I havent been feeling well. I dont know, i just didnt feel like writing. i have two good stories to share. two fridays ago, I had my therapist at 6. but i had gotten off of work at 4. It had been raining all day. I love the rain. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, the feel of it. i love the gray clouds and the mist it makes in the air so you cant really see much. its all a mystery. i love how the rain is the same as it was 1000's of years ago. people and times change but the rain is the same. same smell, same sound.
anyway, so the muffin man and i hadnt been with each other since the cell phone incident and he expressed to me that he was dealing with a lot of guilt. so as usual, he sends me on a roller coaster ride where he attempts to push me away, which inevitably starts fights and pain and confusion. but hes confused every single day. his heart wants to be with me but his head tells him no.
it was a wonderful day. we skedaddled out of work and went in his car. i told him i just wanted to be with him even if it was sitting in his car talking. we hadnt spent time like that in a few weeks. so we found this abandoned parking lot that a woman at work told me about that she goes to with her part time lover. Then he showed me a radio station he had found on satellite radio. it was a french station and they were speaking french. he had found 2 stations. it was pretty special because he remembered them... just for me. and put it on... just to make me happy. which it did. we were making fun of them trying to imitate their accents. another thing i love about him... being silly like that.
then he jokingly did that cute yawn and stretch so his arm went over me but he couldnt do it in the car. we laughed. and then i climbed on top of his lap and sat facing him, as we had out arms around each other. he held me as he succumbed to his feelings. he really tried to NOT kiss me but his feelings are so strong he cant deny them. so sad he has to try and deny himself. SO SAD! He finally kissed me. and kissed me...and kissed me... it was like a relief to let that emotion out. his kisses said so much. Its a non-verbal language that he reassures me every time how deep and strong his feelings are for me. We talked and kissed for about an hour. mostly just kissing. I remember he took my hand in his hand and kissed it near my thumb. He kissed it with this sensual loving kiss. i actually watched his face as he did it. it was such a huge act of love i cant even describe it! then i said "you really love me." And he said, "mmm hmm," as he nodded. "does it make you feel better to say it out loud?" he asked. "yes it does!"
Then just as I was thinking it, I swear I had the thought a minute before he said it, he says, "this is romantic isnt it? the rain, the radio.." my god he read my mind. I could not have been in a happier place. In HIS arms, with HIS kisses, the french radio in the back round, in the rain. With his love for me pouring out in every touch and kiss. I had butterflies. I couldnt be more in love with someone. Anyone! Hes just amazing.
I love everything about him. the good, the bad, the annoying... hes just an amazing person who has so much love to give and lives in this torment every day like i do. We talked about it a few days later. We both agreed it was a special and amazing time together. The words he used to describe it were: special and tender.

The second story i will have to blog later. I dont even remember what it was. I think it was going to be about the last time we were together? We got in a fight last week (surprise surprise) and I had had it. I told him we were DONE! and as usual when i cut him off he couldnt handle it. BECAUSE HE CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT ME! And I cant live a day without him! And we had amazing sex Tuesday night...

Also, Id like to point out one more thing. He rises to every challenge I give him. I had told him a month ago that it was not right that I should have all the responsibility in birth control. If hes so worried about me getting pregnant HE should know when Im ovulating! Why should it be all MY responsibility? So when I told him I had just gotten my period, he asked me how many days do you count to see when I'm ovulating. It meant a lot to me that he did that. So I said here lets count them on the calendar together! Now he knows and is just as much responsible as me. Hes such an amazing person. Imagine how AMAZING he would be if he was MINE and ALL MINE?? This is why I wait. This is why I have hope that MAYBE just MAYBE he'll be mine one day. Id be the luckiest and happiest girl alive I can tell you that.

imagine this

2010-02-27T13:59:00.001-05:00

You're married. You are in love with your lover. You're at their house, trying to resist each other because you have to go. You have your coat on, ready to walk out. But then you look at each other and have to have that last kiss. You take them in your arms, lay them down on the bed and kiss them. Quickly in the rush of emotions you undo each others pants, pull them down and fully clothed you become one. The connection is strong as usual and you are moaning in enjoyment! Just as you are in the middle of finishing,you hear your cell phone had dialed someone and there's a voice on the other line!!! Oh my god! Who did it call? Who was the last person dialed? What did they hear?

Imagine what that would be like!

wicked game

2010-02-23T21:50:00.001-05:00

I asked my muffin man if he read my blog. He did. And??? I asked. Muffin Man: Tore my heart out to read a lot of it. Why is that? I really wanted to know why exactly. Muffin Man: How you talk about all these wonderful things we'd do together.

And yet... He still won't be with me. (Sigh) I'm so confused. I'm so so so in love with him, my heart yearns for him, my soul longs to be one with him, my body craves him! Yet I am forcing myself to be practical and make the logical decision to move on. I think the reason this is so hard for me is because I am not like that naturally. I am the type of person who jumps in and risks everything. I give everything I have with no fear. I'm not afraid to love or to have my heart broken. I stick it out to the bitter end taking more and more pain because its better to feel the pain of not being able to be with my lover than to feel the pain of loneliness. He's NOT the only one I'll ever love. He's the only one I WANT to love!

Oh why does it have to be like this??? Why god why did I meet him and fall in love only to get my heart broken?? Its like a cruel game you play! Like an evil temptress lures a man by lust and desire only to get caught in a trap and end up dead.

Reaching for something so close but never mine. So right, but ends up wrong. Like chris issac's song: I never dreamed I would meet somebody like you. I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. what a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you!

Why?

Why?

Why can't I be with him???

Why??

When we look at each other our souls connect. We can feel it. Its so real. So deep. So amazing. So wonderful. But maybe we're not meant to be. Maybe it was not God at all.

I just want to be with him and love him forever. That's all I want! If I had him all the other pieces would fit together! He fulfills me in so many ways. He gets me through things. Hes my BEST FRIEND! I just want him to give me the chance to be his! I want to be his happiness and his love.

This is awful. :-(

all the things he'll never do with me

2010-02-21T23:55:00.001-05:00

There are so many places and things I want to do and explore with my muffin man that I never will. Because he doesn't want to get a divorce. Because he is pretty much pinning me up against his kids. And when you do that, the kids will always win. But neverteless I feel like writing my dreams. Maybe there's a man for me out there who would love to do them with me!

1. I've always wanted to take a road trip down through georgia to alabama across texas new mexico and all the way to california. Then fly back home. It would be soooo fun with him because we would site see, stick out like a sore thumb, they'd call us "city folks" as I've been called before down south... We'd have sex in every state. We would inevitably fight and be threatening to turn the car around and go home. Then we'd be kissing and making up as we passionately would make out. I can see it now. We get in a fight over something stupid. I complain about the music because I always have to control the radio. He's get sick of me being so controlling. I'd throw a fit if he changed it and complain so much I'd be so unbearable to him that he'd have to change it back. He'd yell at me, tell me how selfish I am, and not talk to me. It would end in me crying and him being furious. LOL! It would be great! We'd end up finding something to distract us, look at each other, and see the man/woman of our dreams in each others eyes. Our lips would touch, and the electricity would rush through our bodies. Our hands would be all over each others bodies as we couldn't get enough of each other. Then he'd punish me for my temper tantrums. I'd have to obey all his commands. He'd make me take my bottoms off, and play with myself while he was still driving. He'd make sure to drive by everyone he could to make sure they saw. Then when he was done getting off on that, he'd make me get on my knees in the passenger seat and bend over and suck his dick. Again, making sure everyone knew I was there for his pleasure. I'm wet just thinking about this.
Then we'd stop at some random little quaint places to eat and finish the job in the bathroom where he'd fuck me until I screamed.
We'd travel through each state, drive a convertible, exploring this great country we live in. I want to see where the old time musicians got their start. I wanna go to bars and meet people! I wanna hear the blues and jazz in little clubs. We'd walk in the rain, visit street fairs, sit on the hood of the car and talk, make love in the desert... Its one of my dreams.

2. I find it interesting that I have a burning desire to go to france and that he took french in school and not only took it but mastered it. I want to go explore france. I want to travel around to figure out where I lived and where my soul yearns to be. I want to wake up in the morning, walk downtown to the fresh bakery, or have breakfast at a little cafe outside as we Smell the air and watch the people. I want to buy fresh flowers and watch the artists paint. I want to see the fashion district and all the artists expressing themselves. I wanna see the burlesque shows and the sexy french men's eyes and wonder what they think about women as they are very passionate lovers. I want to see the history and the museums and old mansions. I wanna see the palace of versailles. I want to buy some antiques from there to take home. I wanna stay in a little bed and bath outside of paris, go to sleep in the arms of my lover as we make love once again. And he'll look deep into my soul as he cums inside me. I want to drink our way through champagne, as they give complimentary glasses in the stores. I wanna have a little picnic on a hill overlooking the vineyards and lay back and look at the sky. And again make love. I wanna see the stars over paris! I wanna be on a rooftop and see the eiffel tower from our view. That silent beauty is breathtaking. I need to find who I was and how I know my muffin man from there.

3. I just wanna go to a spa for the day! Get the mud wraps, the massages, the steam room, the pool... Make love everywhere. Then take a nap, take a shower, get dressed up, go to dinner. Are there any men out there who would like to do this with me??? Because this one can't.

4. Ah... Tahiti. I MUST stay in a hut over the water. I wanna take a boat to a secluded spot on an island and make love... of course. Sex is so amazing and fun. It never gets boring when you explore. I want to have sex in the water, on the beach, in the bed, the shower, everywhere! I wanna lay in the sun where I have no worries other than getting sunburned. I want to have drinks, Kiss, talk, sleep, have those silent conversations where we look at each other and read one anothers souls like a book. I want him to tell me everything about himself. Every memory, good or bad, every thought, every fear, every dream. I want him to be completely vulnerable so I can love him. And he'll know he's safe with me. He can be himself and I'll never judge him. I'll always be loyal faithful and loving.

He means the world to me. And yet he'll never be with me. But I won't lose my dreams. One day ill find someone who wants to be on the receiving end of my unending, unfailing love. That will be my true soul mate. Where my dreams will be reality not fantasy. I will keep dreaming for hope is all I have. I just wonder... WHERE IS HE????

my devastating love story

2010-02-15T23:57:00.002-05:00

How can you be so completely in love with me and crazy about me yet not want to be with me?

I realized something though. His wife is not my competition, his kids are. I can never compete with that. So since he thinks in order to keep his kids happy he must stay with the wife, he will never be with me! Never! I can't compete with that! And should I really have to? My love for him is so strong I'd do anything for him, and in fact have. He means everything to me. And unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same in return. I have put myself in his shoes so many times, and I when I truly am in his situation, I think, I can't leave them. At least not for a while. And this is the reality. I will never be with him. And if I were to wait, how long do i have to wait? Until I'm 40? And he's 53? No thank you.

Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating love story. One with an unhappy ending. Until I find someone who will not only NOT throw my love away but who will cherish it and make me number one. Not make me compete with their kids and wife. He will certainly regret it. But I have to face my reality.

my perfect valentine... with a not so perfect end

2010-02-14T01:58:00.002-05:00

Imagine you're completely head over heels in love. You go out to a beautiful little french restaurant in manhattan with that person. You have the perfect table. Its romantic, its quiet, the food is great, you feel the sparks between you... You can be yourself with this person and feel relaxed, while at the same time you get butterflies when your lips touch. You exchange your written expression of your love for each other in cards that make you say "wow."
People tell you how cute you two are and how you make such a great couple. You look into the eyes of this lover of yours and see this well of emotion running over and seeping through their pores. You ask yourself what you ever did to deserve their love. They wonder where you came from and how they ended up falling so hard for you, so in love with you. Madly in love. Realizing they never thought they'd experience this.

You go back to your place where you express your love for each other even more. Every kiss says "you were meant for me," every touch says "I can't get enough of you." You feel their love for you thoroughly expressed as you are one. One soul, one spirit, one body...

That was my valentine date. It was beautiful. It was perfect and amazing. Then he left... To go home to his wife. That was nothing compared to the thought I had first thing this morning. "Uuuuummm.... Was I ovulating?" All morning I racked my brain trying to remember the first day of my last period so I could calculate it. As he was sending me text messages telling me how much he loves me and how crazy he is about me, I was very nervous.

I calculated. 16 days after. Peek ovulating time.

Now I'm freaking trying to figure out what the hell to do.

confession. and a thank u to complicated kitten

2010-01-31T00:54:00.001-05:00

I have to confess something. Almost daily I have to ask myself, "how much do I love him? Enough to put up with this? Should I move on? Should I see someone else? How much patience do I have? Should I wait? Do I reeeally want him?" I think about it probably every day. And I have doubts. He'll never be with me. But maybe he will! But what if he eventually bores me? What if he doesn't satisfy me? What if I get sick? Will he pray for me? No. Can I be with someone like that? What if I was sick? Would he take care of me? Yes. But does he love me enough? I don't think so. A man moves mountains to be with the one he loves. He truly loves the one he knows he's meant to be with. He doesn't do this for me. He loves me a lot. But not enough. Yet. Is it yet? Wil he? Would he act on his love if I left him? I have no clue. Would he still love me with all my problems? Probably. Would we fight a lot? Probably. And if I could be with him, how long would it last? Would he always stimulate me? Intellectually? Emotionally? Sexually?

Would he satisfy my desires? I can picture him enjoying all the things I want to do. We would have so much fun exploring life... Like other countries, ideas, restaurants, simple things in life, trying new things sexually.

I think about all these things. And good news. Thanks to complicated kittens amazingly hot blog "spanked fucked and satisfied" I had something to send him to read. I've been telling him, I like this! I want you to be like this! But I had a story to show him now. And my god, he delivers when challenged. I think my favorite part about our sex today was when he straddled me, held my hands down, ordered me to suck his hard cock and if he felt my teeth, I'd be punished. :) holy shit! So excited that I was punished. Got spanked for it! And I was dripping wet. And he made me beg for him to fuck me. I loooved it. And the best part is, its all done in love. Its still making love, no matter how kinky or d/s it is.

Later on, after he had cum the first time... I showed him some more blogs that turn me on. He read some out loud as I happily sucked him and jerked him off. It turned me on to do that for him while he was enjoying other stories. Wanna know how much I love him? I thought about that he may have even been picturing being with the girls he was reading about and I didn't even care! It turned me on to fulfill his fantasies! Never in my life have I ever loved anyone that much. I know he loves porn, and I would do that for him if he was watchin it! I don't feel threatened because I know how he feels about me. I can't believe my love is actually that strong for him.

So my worries questions and doubts about if I'd be satisfied sexually? Definitely. He rises to any challenge, fulfills my desires, and is open to anything. Not only because he enjoys it, but I think its because he really loves me. He likes to make me happy.

Any challenge I give him, he accepts and passes. I think my patience will bring me a reward in him. I think. But then I doubt. All I know right now is he truly makes me happy, even though its painful. Still not sure where this will go. I do know he does everything he can to satisfy me. In every sense. Sometimes I act like a spoiled brat, and he knows me. He is patient and kind and always knows how to make me happy. No one can sit there and tell me he doesn't love me!! So please don't try.

february 14, 2014

2010-01-27T15:06:00.001-05:00

I just don't feel comfortable blogging now. If I say somethng bad I get ripped apart, if I say something good, he gets ripped apart... I feel so lonely now. I was lonely before but blogging made me feel comforted. Now I feel just as bad. Actually worse.

I have a good story but I'd like to just share a quick part. Last night I stayed after work talking to him. I told him were getting married feb 14, 2014. I let him choose fri 2014 or sat 2015. He played along. He picked 2014 and I asked where are you taking me for our honemoon? Tahiti or france? He said tahiti. Bora bora actually and looked up places online. This is where I wanna go: http://www.pearlresorts.com/tikehaupearlbeachresort/bungalows.php?bungid=b5

He said I thought u didn't want to ever get married! And I said that changed now. You mean when you met me? He asked. Yes! I know what its like to want to be with one person and be satisfied and never want anyone else! And then he put his papers in front of his face as he cried.

taking chances

2010-01-23T21:25:00.000-05:00

Wow. Now you're all fighting? Honestly, I don't know if I even want to write anymore after this. I started this blog to find comfort and support. To be able to freely blog about my relationship. I am completely open and honest with everything I feel and say. And it has turned into an advice column and bashing the one I love. I love him! I am not ready to move on! I said I will not wait forever. I'm not stupid and pathetic. I am hopeful and a dreamer. And sometimes you do get your dreams. If youre patient enough to wait. And sometimes you don't. My personality is to take chances. I take them.

It seems EG is the only one on here who understands and doesn't judge my "man." And I spoke to my therapist friday. If you havent read earlier blogs, she knows both him and me. She gave me great advice. She said "youre not ready to move on so dont try to date otehr people, because it will make things worse. Focus on yourself. Taking care of yourself. examples, finally getting surgery I need, excercising, studying for my series 7 to make more money and choose what i want to do in this industry. And then when you are strong and more confident and you are ready to make him make a choice you will either have him, or if you don't, it wont crush you because you will be strong. "

None of you know him. I wish he would comment but he wont. He doesnt want to have to defend himself. But if you knew him like I do, and knew his thoughts, you'd have a little more compassion. So for right now, please let me sort through this without attacking me, him, or my other readers!

But also, I do appreciate that you all are concerned. it shows goodness and compassion in all your hearts.

who am i to say

2010-01-21T21:53:00.001-05:00

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
& who am I to say you need me
& who am I to say you love me

true reality

2010-01-20T19:58:00.001-05:00

So I believe I said something about my feelings being like a rock that couldnt be swayed? uh, not quite.

Last night I sent him a few bbm's. He read them and never responded. Only because he couldnt, not because he chose not to. But it really upset me because that was like what? four hours? and then after being upset about that, i send him a last bbm, and his phone was shut off! I HATE when he does that (which he rarely does for the reason that it bothers me!) because the FIRST thing he sees in the morning is some nasty message I left him because I was pissed.

So sure enough, the first thing I heard from him this morning was "you werent really serious were you ?" which is his way of saying "how dare you even say that" and long story short, we were annoyed at each other all day and had our roller coaster of emotions. Mad, not mad, laughing, ignoring, back and forth back and forth. He said "love you too" a couple times. I caught it! It was his subtle way of making a big statement with a little comment. I'm not going into it now but its a big deal. I catch all those little things he does and says because its his way of communicating.

But today ended pretty badly. I was completely annoyed at him at the end of the day. He was laughing which is good, becaus ei need that. But I just walked away. And then I made a stupid move. I went back to my desk to intercom him in his office because I had one las tthing I wanted to tell him. I cant even for the life of me remember what it was. And he says "hold on a sec" And what was he doing??? listening to his voicemail. and what did I have to fuckin hear??? "Hi hon, it's 4:15...."

"GOODBYE!" I slammed the phone down and stormed out as I cried my eyes out. My stomach was turning! All I kept thinking to myself was "how stupid am I? THIS is fuckin reality! Maybe those bloggers are right and I'm wrong. Why should I have to be in so much pain while he tries to decide what to do??"

I cried almost the whole way home as I ran through his schedule for the next month thinking of how LITTLE time he has for me and how he has no room for me in his life! This weekend hes away, next week he has meetings and his daughters basketball, I'm getting surgery on Feb 8th, and he cant see me either the weekend before or after, which IS Valentines Day. But thats a joke anyway because he doesnt celebrate it. And his kids are off school so thats out.

WHEN IS THERE TIME FOR ME??? I DON'T FIT IN HIS FUCKIN LIFE! I cant sit around doing nothing either. I will not! I refuse to! I have PLENTY of guys who hit on me constantly! I think I'll think about going out with some of them. It makes me SICK. I don't want to! I want him and only him! It makes me sick to even think of another guy touching me. I feel like they are intruding. Even if another guy talks about me, or tries to get to know me, or tries to make me laugh, i feel like "I'm not yours! I don't belong to you! don't touch me! you have no right!" because I am his. but the reality is... hes not mine. and it LITERALLY MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH!

my little smitten kitten...

2010-01-19T23:41:00.002-05:00

Ouch! Some of those comments hurt! But since it IS my blog I don't have to defend him or me, and I don't have to explain. But I appreciate that you all genuinely care and want to see me happy as I do for you all as well. Its hard to stand on the sideline and watch someone get hurt and not say anything. I know.

Today I got two bbm's from the muffin man who is a smitten kitten these days!

Muffin Man: Have I told u lately that I <3 you???
Muffin Man: And that Saturday night was as great of a night as I've had in a LONG time????

I know he's crazy about me, you can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, sense it from his actions. Its like he's in the first stage of falling in love. The really happy one? Its so cute and sweet. I just wanna know what he plans on doing with it!!!

Muffin Man: You're so cute when you do that !!!!!(y). (thumbs up) Makes me want to kiss you ALL over!!!:* :* :* )(kiss faces)

This text immediately brought me to my memory of my dad! I posted it on my f-ed up thought. I feel like I have so many people out there, blog readers, friends, family, all who are against me and him, but our feelings are like these rocks. Doesn't matter what people say. It doesn't go away. If he wants to be with me he will. Its not an overnight process. Love is patient! And kind. Its not demanding or self seeking. Love bares all things, believes all things, hopes for all things and endures all things! I love him. I'm sorry.

And until he commits to me, I keep my options open. He may miss out. I do deserve a full time lover and boyfriend. I won't wait forever. That you can count on.

fantasy becomes reality

2010-01-17T17:15:00.001-05:00

Ok so first of all, as soon as I got into his car last night, I felt this surge of peace and happiness come over me from head to toe. He was so handsome and his mood was so peaceful and relaxed. It was almost surreal to me that I was actually going somewhere fun with him! And the way he is such a good driver turns me on.

I'll be honest, it felt like a first date for some reason. Probably because it was the first time we really went out like that in a while.

So we got there and it was pretty much exactly what I wanted. We got to sit on a couch, cuddle, and talk. We talked for hours. I remember saying something about how I am looking forward to getting married one day so I can pass the bills over, because I am horrible at managing money. And his response was "I'm not that good at it either" so I said "so does that mean you're planning on marrying me?" "I think about it" you what? I asked him to elaborate. He said something like he thinks about being with me.

I'm sure he's going to read this so I don't want to say too much. I'll embarrass myself and him! But he talked for a long time about how he feels, stuff about his wife, his struggles with her, his hostory with her, with wanting to be with me. It was so sad and my heart went out to him as he told me how unhappy and unfulfilled he really is. I remember him saying something like how he could try to work things out but she is who she is and shell never change and she just doesn't do anything for him. I think the saddest thing he said was something like how he looks at other men's wives and thinks to himself how there's something special about them and not his wife? Something to that effect. Broke my heart to hear that.

At one point I said to myself, wow. This is really real now. Its not a fantasy. This is a serious relationship. Not that I didn't know it was before, but for the married one to come out and say all he's thinking and feeling instead of keeping quiet where you never reeeally know what his intensions are, its no question of reality. And I tell him how I want to be with him but after hearing what he said and felt last night, I had to say to myself "am I SURE I really want to be with him? Is he the one I want? The last one?" Its scary! But then I flash our relationship in my head and think about how happy he makes me, and how angry he makes me (which I love), and how he makes me laugh, and how he's so open with me, and I can be myself with him. And how our personalities gel so well, and yeah I think I want him!

He's had walls up for so long, its just been the last few months that I've started to see the depth of his love for me. I realized if he could actually be with me right now, I'd be drowning in HIS love. And to be totally honest, I don't think I've ever been loved that much by anyone in my entire life.

He's amazing. I told him he needs to talk to someone about all these things that go through his head. All the things that he worries about. How to deal with being married and being in love with someone else. I will have to stay on top of him with that.

Anyway then we came back to my place and as tired as we were... Which reminds me! He fell asleep as I listened to him snore in my ear, as my arms and legs were wrapped in his. It was so nice. One day he'll sleep with me all night. And I'll have to wear earphones to tune him out as he told me is bad for my ears. And as he got dressed and I said I wish you could lay with me all night, he said "one day." Hmm! Shocking isn't it?

I LOVE HIM!

we have a date

2010-01-16T00:04:00.001-05:00

So he said he is taking me tomorrow night to the city. I'm really excited! I'm getting my eyebrows waxed, going tanning, maybe use my gift card to get a pedicure. Of course I'm taking my daughter so I'll have a fun day with her whether or not I go out with him. I reserved a table too. Did anyone check out the site?

I am just really happy to be able to do something I am excited to do with someone I'm in love with. And... I get him to myself for hours. I love when he goes out with me because he can be himself and doesn't have to look over his shoulder to make sure people aren't looking.

No tomorrow night I will not worry about the future. I will not think about anything else. I will enjoy every minute of him to myself! I love him so much.

wishy washy today

2010-01-14T23:48:00.001-05:00

It really bothers me that I have mm in the forefront of my mind every day. When I make plans he's the one I want to be with. And I rearrange my entire schedule to be with him. If he gives me a maybe, I wait.

I view myself as pathetic. Today he told me I remind him of the girl in "he's just not that into you" who doesn't get men at all. The one who is.... Pathetic!! The one who calls the guy for guy advice. She's so cute but in my opinion, pathetic. He told me that's not how he sees her but sees her as someone who isn't afraid to put herself out there and open her heart or something like that. But as soon as he said that I started to cry! Because his view and my view of the same girl are totally different. I took it as a complete insult.

But look at me! Here I am putting myself out there pathetically waiting on him to give me an answer. And if I don't wait, and go ahead and make ans, my opportunity is missed. We may as well break it off. Which in my opinion will happen soon. When he makes comments like "its getting harder and harder to get away" that says to me our time will be less and less. We won't grow closer. Even though he says every time were together it gets better and better. He's probably just talking about sex anyway.

Just not happy today.

i wonder

2010-01-13T23:54:00.001-05:00

One of my friends at work always tells me he wants to hook me up with someone. He has actually told me a few times he wishes I could be with mm because he can see us together but he completely doubts he'll ever make a move to be with me. I'm still on the fence with that.

But sometimes I wonder what people would think if they knew what he and I do. If they knew we had sex in the bathroom, if they knew he sent me that awesome video jerking off, that we send each other dirty texts thru the day, that we kiss in the hallway, that we are passionate lovers outside of there. I just wonder what they would say if they knew. Most of them kind of know, or have an idea, but no proof.

Furthermore, there are a few people who have told me they think we should be together.

(((Sigh))) I wonder...

responses to reader comments

2010-01-12T22:46:00.001-05:00

Now in regard to the comments I received, I can't comment back from my phone so here are my comments.

EG-that suuuucks you only got to see him for a weekend! Did u block it out of your mind and enjoy the fantasy of you two together? You waited so long. Its gotta hurt so badly. I'm sorry

SA- you told him enough huh? What was his response? If any? Horrible that he could be with you for four years and never progress any further whether it be with words or actions.

Spring Flower: "Some lovers can't spend dinner or overnight because of their home situation. It's part of the game. It should be fun, not a cause for worries or mind games." True... But....This is not a game though. This is a full fledged relationship. He and I never thought it would turn into such a loving relationship. And I am now having fun. I haven't cried in a while!

J-"I can go out in the evenings sometimes because I have a hobby that permits that. And if I did not have a hobby like that, I would have taken one up in order to carve out that time." Um he has a hobby. But he still said to me the other night that its getting harder and harder for him to see me. That sounds to me like this is going to end soon. What do you think?

And basically after reading everyones comments I think I have it pretty good for being with a married man. He tries really hard to make me happy. And I am. I'm in love. And it gets better and better every day!