french toast and salad

Quick blog today about how sweet mm was today. Due to the horrible weather, roads were closed. I was running late and while sitting in traffic wondered if he would be taking the same road I take. He has a meeting every wednesday morning and brings breakfast to the office. Bagels, muffins, french toast... The french toast is so good. Its made from a thick loaf of italian bread. I keep syrup at my desk for wednesdays. I laugh to myself when he brings it in because I gave him the name muffin man long before he started to actually bring in muffins!
So I sent him a text to warn him of the road blocks and let him know I was going to be late. When he realized I wouldn't be there until at least 9:30, he sent me a text back saying my french toast was waiting for me.

I walked in and went to my desk to find a plate of french toast with a plate covering it on top waiting for me just like he said. He actually pulled them out of the bag to set aside before anyone took them. SO SWEET! He made me feel so loved.

Then for lunch, I told him I'd treat him to lunch and get me some soup and whatever he wanted for himself. I also said "if you make yourself something you think I'll like, make me that instead" So he came up with my soup, my money, and a little salad. The perfect size I like. With all the stuff I like. I couldn't believe he remembered little things I said I like! I know its something so little but it was a big deal to me.

He loves me. :)

And I am so in love with him!

The roller coaster rides...and the fuckin pictures!

So many things happen in one day, i cant even keep up with it to blog it all. but we got in... let's see... three arguments i think? but they arent that bad.  i mean we make up in like 10 minutes. unless its a really bad one.  but today's roller coaster ride was as follows:

• 9:15 i call him in the morning in a fluster because too much was going on at the time and i was stressing. he helped me through it and calmed me down as far as that project went, and i was in tears when he asked me what was wrong and i vented about the a-holes i work for
• 9:30 i offer to get him coffee from the cafe downstairs because i went for a bagel
• 10:35 the broker i did a job for that mm helped me with called me to tell me what a fantastic job i did and to say thank you.
• 10:40 i send mm a text message to thank him for helping me and told him what a great friend he is and for always being there for me
• 11:15 i send him another text saying how upset i was that the manager seemed to not care about me at all in a situation i need help with... moving my seat to a quieter place because i cant sit in a stressful seat when i have anxiety
• 12:00 he sends one back explaining how its not personal but its the job and how he thinks i take things the wrong way
• i tell him maybe i should leave this industry then because clearly i cant handle it according to all of them, i mean its changing my fuckin SEAT people!  not a big deal!
• 12:01 he sends me the sweetest message that reads: i never suggested that, i think you dont give yourself enough credit for being able to handle some of the craziness.  i think you can, and i'll continue to help you try and deal with it all.        how sweet was that???
• 12:05 i see him in the mail room while i am making copies.  i cant even remember what the heck we said but we got in a fight because i said "dont worry about me and my problems.  i will find someone else to talk to." i sincerely meant that as thinking of him and trying not to burden him but he clearly took it the wrong way because his response was "fuck you!" we argued and were MAD
  
• 12:15 i send him a text "how do you go from that sweet text to fuck you so quickly?"
• back and forth texting/arguing/communicating until 1:00 when i end it with i dont know what i'd do if i didnt have you here. he truly is my best friend.
• 1:00-4:00 cant even remember what happened... so many conversations... he notices my necklace which is keys. i got it from my ex and my ex has the 3rd key on his key chain. i had already told mm i want a key necklace from tiffany's which is why he brought it up. since my bday and christmas is coming up. he tried to find the picture i printed out for him but couldnt
• while i am in his office i go to his bookshelf for something only to find a picture of him and his wife he had but took down last year because i couldnt stomach it.  i left his office and when he said where are you going? i answered: to go throw up! the fuckin pictures! they make me SICK

(side note: my friend saw him and his wife two or three months back and said they seemed completely distant and there was no connection whatsoever... she was annoyed that he would continue to stay like that and then watched him as he was texting me)

• 4:00 i send him a link to tiffany with the picture of the necklace i want.  he calls me to discuss it. if you want to see the one i want here is the link: http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=24466833&mcat=148204&cid=573050&search_params=s+5-p+3-c+573050-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+ 
• 4:55 he comes over to help me figure out my medical deductions from my paycheck (again being a great friend that i love so much) 
• 4:56 i tried to fix his tie and he gets furious and jumps back and tells me not to touch him or something like that.  i get FURIOUS because every other guy in that place loves when i touch them! LOVES it! not this one!
• 5:00 i sign out refuse to talk to him say goodnight and walk away. he tells me to wait up so he can walk out with me but i told him i had to go to the bathroom. he doesnt wait. later i send him a text that reads: rude
• 5:10 we discuss the traffic as if nothing happens

i had to coach basketball and he had a meeting so we didnt talk much later tonight...

now tell me... is this a crazy relationship or what?  this is a typical day!  we do this every single day! and the more friction, the hotter we are for each other!  otherwise we would be bored.

opinions?

the holiday cards

Well well well... The happy train has left the station. Back to the reality that the love of my life is married.

Last year we were just beginning this relationship. Two months of love and excitement. I was starting to fall in love with him but still completely unaware of the level it would get to. It was the time of the year when the financial advisers were sending their holiday cards out. I was naive then and snuck a peek at his cards to find a heart wrenching sight. This picture of him, his wife, and two daughters. The perfect little happy family. So precious. And he was sending it to his clients! It was the first time my stomach turned and my heart felt like it was in my throat. I wanted to throw up. Literally. It was sickening.

Well... Fast forward. A year later. We have been through the worst times of our lives together, we are completely in love, and realized we can't live without each other. Last year I was working in a different department and it wasn't until february that I got my wish and became his assistant. Also naive to think it would be "fun" to work with someone you are in a relationship with!

As the season was approaching this year I told him "if you think you are sending those family christmas cards don't you even think that I will have any part of it!" "Of course not! I may not even do that this year." Whew! What a relief I wouldn't have to deal with that. So I asked him last friday, "who are you sending cards to so I can send them out?" (We send cards for birthdays on a website we have so I was planning on picking a card and sending them out) and he said these disgusting words: "I may send my card out to some of them so I'll let you know. But I'll do it myself so you don't even have to see it" "I better not see it!" "Okay!" "Its sickening!" "I understand"

Does he? Really? No I don't think so. Because if he did understand, he would never have asked me today to print labels for him to send the cards out! And then when I get upset and say sorry I didn't do it yet its not really my priority, say "its work related you can't get upset"

Don't you dare tell me to not be upset! He doesn't get what that means to me! You are still sending out a picture to all your friends family and clients saying "look at our happy perfect little family!" To me this means he has no intentions of fessing up to his wife his real feelings but will continue to go through the motions of a happy home. Its a lie! A big fat disgusting lie! And I will always be the secret no one can know about. It hurts so bad it makes my stomach turn!

I am the type of person who needs to tell someone I'm upset right away because if I don't, it will eat at me and fester and I will blow up at them for everything else! So I called him on my way home to tell him how upset it made me and I was crying. He said he was sorry but I still don't think he gets just how bad that makes me feel. And how SICKENING it is to me!

Very upsetting...

Then I told him "sorry" doesn't make me feel better! You can't think of a single thing that you could say that would make me feel better?

All he has to say is how he feels about me! Something to make me feel secure in how he feels about me! How I'm in his heart, how he thinks of me all the time, how he's in love with me, the reason why he feels it so necessary to send that card out, how he plans to make me feel special on my birthday... ANYTHING! But all I got was "sorry" it was heartfelt and made me feel like he did care but he just doesn't get it. Just doesn't get it.

Sickening.

this blog is for my anonymous reader "SA"

The evolution of Muffin Man telling me "I love you"

Last year, around this time my birthday was coming up. (Dec 15) I made plans to go to the city with the man i was falling in love with. I planned to go to the east village to see a psychic and go to a hookah lounge where we could cuddle up, smoke the hookah, eat food i like, and dance as the night went on. So the night we were supposed to go, there was a snow storm. I was so upset. Had it not been so bad, we would have went anyway. When I called the psychic to tell her I wouldn't be there she said ok but that she felt i really needed a word from her before the year was over. I felt a stirring inside me and I truly believed she had something for me.

So about a week later I went on a Saturday by myself.  She immediately picked up on muffin man. She said I see you are in a relationship. I see a half marriage.  He is in a marriage but his heart is not in it. She went on to say "has he ever told you he loves you?" i said no.  She continued, "he really loves you but he's afraid to say it.  this is all new to him." So that was confirmation he loved me which i kind of knew.

Side note: she also confirmed my suspicions that i knew him in a past life.  she said we were lovers in a past life and it was the same situation.  he was married and we were passionate lovers but were never able to be together so we came into this life to be together.  (Clearly he did not wait for me.)  She said times were different then in the 1800's that he couldn't leave his wife then but now he can.  and will.  eventually. i had had my own experiences with recognizing past lives and i knew i lived in the 1800's and i also knew i knew his soul from another time.  its very bizarre but i can see his soul in his eyes.

So back to the "i love you's." I knew he loved me and I knew i loved him.  But I didnt tell him this until months later. In April 2009 I wrote him a poem. I have written and given him numerous letters and notes telling him how I feel about him but I never said "I love you" Until this poem:

Your eyes, like the waters,

bring depth to your soul

They breathe life to my being,

almost making me whole.

Your smell is intoxicating

like a potion I'd drink

All logic is forgotten

I can no longer think.

Your lips on my neck

your breath on my face

the sense of security

found in your embrace

Mysteries of your past

deep within where they hide

glimpses of memories

unveiled in your eyes

You're all I imagine

All that I crave

Everything I've accepted

every part that you gave

Sometimes I wish

I could try to forget

but nothing I've done

will I ever regret

I gave you my heart

no questions asked

Unable to predict

how long this would last

Consciously knowing

the risk of it all

willing to take

that unbreakable fall

Often looking away

unable to rest

wondering how you fell
into this irresistible mess

feelings are deep

the connection is strong

Why did this happen?

Was it right?
     Was it wrong?

The world around us

seems to fall away

as your lips touch mine

God, I wish you would stay!

Always saying goodbye

never enough time

It HURTS when you leave me!

Why cant you be mine?

If I never have you,

before this lifetime is through

Please always remember

I truly did love you.

I remember when I gave that to him he told me he cried. And that no one had ever done something like that for him and how special it was. I wanted him to know how deep and serious I was about us. That was the FIRST time I told him I loved him.

The next time I think i sent a text message that read I <3 U.  and he asked me about it later and I said "yeah no big deal, I say that to everyone! Had I actually written the word love out, maybe it would be more serious." As time went one the <3's turned into "love."  When we would get in fights I would say stuff like "well I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me" or when we would have serious conversations I would say stuff like "I am in love with you and you don't want me" stupid stuff like that. After that, I just started saying I love you all the time. He still hadn't said it.

The first time he said it was a BIG deal. September this year. I was at work and I had just found out that someone at work told my MANAGER that i was pregnant with his baby! I was flipping out.  He was so upset he left the office for the day. I went in  a conference room where I spoke to him on my cell phone and we were both freaking out trying to come up with a plan to fix this disaster!  the worst part was it was true! I really was pregnant with his baby! As we spoke we vowed to be there for each other and help each other through this.  Before he got off the phone he said, and I quote exactly because I will never forget the first time he said it: "I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I love you!"

The next time he said it, we were fighting over having this abortion.  It was the darkest time of my life. I told him I didn't want to be with him because he made me do something I didn't want to do because he refuses to leave his wife. So I was done with him. He said he loved me but having the baby would destroy too many lives at this point. He reassured me through these text fights that he loved me and believed we were meant to be together but his situation forces him not to be able to be with me.

It was not until a few weeks ago that he finally started to open up.  He had his walls up and I was feeling rejected, and we were fighting. I told him he HAS to meet me halfway or just leave me alone to move on to find someone else.  Then he tells me: "I like fighting with you.  its weird but it makes me hot for you." I said "are you serious?" in an exasperated way because I thought we were done.   
As usual... he cant live without me so he chose to do everything he can to keep me, including meeting me halfway like i said. He knows what I need from him.  I told him many times: "i need you to tell me how you feel about me and reassure me every day!" and if he cant give all of that, meet me halfway!

So a day or so after that, we were in our usual playful banter also known as flirting and apparently FOREPLAY and I asked him to do something work related.  I cant remember what it was exactly but he said "ok but admit you are wrong (about whatever argument we had earlier.)"  My clever response was, "sure! no problem! as soon as you admit you are completely in love with me!" His answer: "Haven't I told you that?" "uh, no! you have told me you love me maybe TWO times! and never to my face!" He writes back "I love you I love you I love you!  there! now its 5 times" my response: "that's great!  But I said to admit you are IN LOVE WITH ME" "isn't that the same thing?" "NO! you tell your mom, your daughters, etc, you love them.  you cannot say I am in love with you to any of them!""Okay, I am in love with you!" And there it was.  The first admission of his true feelings.

The first time he said it to my face was almost 2 weeks ago. I was crying in my car after work because of the abundant stress in my life and he was standing there listening to me for a half an hour cry and complain about the haunting memories that have destroyed me and the pressure at work. He was, and is my best friend. And when I felt better and released it to him, he reassured me at the end and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you!" and I said "thank you! I love you too!" And when I said thank you I meant that from the depths of my soul.  That was a very big deal for him. He was always afraid to say it but he put me first instead of him and gave himself to me in just those three words.

The last post I wrote was the last time he said it to me. And my birthday is coming up.  He never took me to the city or made up for my ruined birthday.  And this year he is supposed to take me out. I think I'm gonna go see a psychic aagain and see what they have to say.  He and I have come a loooong way in a year and a half.  And i want to go deeper and deeper and be with the one I believe to be my soul mate.

i wonder what we look like from the outside

So it was Thursday. 4:30ish i think. i work until 5 but i had had it. I was done with the non-stop busy day of hectic work with these financial advisers.  i went in to my safe haven.  muffin man's office.  going in there is an escape. the harsh atmosphere disappears when i go in there.  and he is so sweet, so  loving, compassionate, funny, understanding, entertaining...

i decided i was done working and i wanted to spend some time with my best friend and the man i am so completely in love with. I sat in one of the chairs i sit in when i go in there and just breathed in his smell and the peace I find in his office. inhale peace, exhale stress. after a short while in there, one of my favorite brokers came in. he joined our conversation and inevitably turned it into a sexual content.  he has told me that he thinks muffin man and i are sleeping together and have a relationship but he isn't sure.  i neither admit nor deny this.  he showed us a video of some amateur porn pictures of young girls. they were ok, but nothing that got us really hot. not the point of this story though.

the point is... when i walked over and stood looking over mm's shoulder as he scanned through the pictures, our other friend stood and watched us.  then he said, "wow. i totally see it! you two make such a good couple." we smiled, and i think mm asked why.  i cant remember exactly what his response was but this is not the first time he has said it to us.

i often wonder what we must look like from the outside.  i know when i am with mm i can feel the chemistry between us like fire! and i can see his love for me pour out of his eyes. we flirt, joke, defend each other, laugh every day, fight, etc.  it has to be obvious to everyone else around us but the best part about that is they dont care.  they find interest in it, but they really dont care. in fact, i hear many comments that people would like to see us end up together. so do i.    )-`: so sad.

and that night we didnt leave the office until after 6. we walked out together talking. i got annoyed at him about something, stormed off to my car and said "see ya!" and before i could drive away, he pulled up next to me. we talked... and the last words out his mouth were: i love you.  this is such a huge step for him. i was shocked.  he just got comfortable texting it.  to say it to my face is a whole other level. i replied: WOW! I love you too! though i REEEEALLY, REEEEALLY love you!"  and he said, "I'm not ready to say the really really's yet but..." i laughed. we drove home and the entire way home i had butterflies. I was in another world.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO in love with this man! SOOOOOOOO in love! I'm just the verbal one in the relationship. and the fact he said that to me is HUGE. i feel so happy though. I've been having such a hard time with work and my past and my anxiety... it amazes me that this man can make me happy through all of this.

He's there for me in good times and in bad...

when he puts walls up, he sees me suffering and puts them back down. he loves me so much. i need to be with him.  and i will frickin wait as long as i can for him. or until i cant wait any longer and say bye-bye.

Best Sex with Muffin Man... ever

Haven't been on in a while. it gets annoying typing on tiny keys on a blackberry since i do not have a computer at home.  Don't have much time so i'll get to the story...

Last week I wanted to see my muffin man before Thanksgiving, because we would not be able to be together for a much too long weekend. So he came over Wednesday night.  I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my daughter's boyfriend's mother what I was doing so she could make sure my daughter wouldnt ask her for a ride home! but she was nice.

After he spent some time with his family and i spent time with mine, we met at my house somewhere between 8 and 9. he came in, so cute as usual, and i said "alright well, we dont have much time here." so he came and straddled me on my couch which lasts all of two minutes at the most until i assume the dominating role.  i know what i want and I know what I like and i make it happen.

His kisses are so electrifying.  he makes me hot and wet within a split second. Its not only  the chemistry, its deep, true love that make sit so passionate. I just love to feel his naked body against mine and the smell of his skin is so amazing its like a potion that mesmerizes me and takes me away with him to another place.

I was on top of him for a while but when he got on top i put my legs over his shoulders and he just fucked the shit out of me.  didnt let up.  i had an amazing orgasm to the point where i started shaking and convulsing and then i uncontrollably started to cry. this has happened to me before... but only a few times. and when that happens i truly am in ecstasy. poor thing didnt know what to do! it was amazing! just amazing.

and every time it gets better and better and better!  we break up, we make love and its amazing.  we are happy and excited, we make love and its even better.  we fight, make up, make love, its incredible!  doesnt matter the mood it just gets better and better everytime! and he is finally starting to open up and ADMIT how in love he is! the best love.... with the greatest obstacle.  a family that isnt even a UNhappy home.

come away with me

How can I stand here
And look at you,
Without being ignited?
This fire inside me
Will never die
Can you tell me
Love isn't more real than this?

One look in your eyes
And time stands still
The smell of your skin
Takes my breath away
My heart beats violently
Inside of my chest
I cannot contain
This wealth of emotions!

So I ask you now,
I beg you please

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

You without me
Seems so foreign now
Emptiness fills your soul,
You need me like I need you.
The love you have for me
Knows no end
It extends further and further
To deeper dimensions.

My soul cries out
From deep within
Come be with me!
Where beginning meets its end.
The day will come
When u make the fatal choice
You'll be with me,
Or lose my soul forever.

So I ask you now
I beg you please,

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

so much love to give...but its to the wrong people

So I spoke to my therapist. We spoke about muffin man, and my deep rooted issues. She told me how he was feeling. Btw, they know each other. They are in a networking group together and he sees her every wednesday. I told him she showed me how he feels about me. And she told me that she shared with him that as exhausting as it is that I need him and asked him to be there for me through all of this. And when I told him, this was his response...

Muffin Man: You have no idea how hard is to be able to be your support system from afar (if you know what I mean).

Muffin Man: Not that I'm not willing to continue being supportive, but you also need to find other support systems in addition. It's a lot of pressure on me when it feels like I'm the only one you can lean on. I hope you don't take these comments the wrong way. I do care.

Needless to say we got in a fight because all he needed to say was I'm here for you. My therapist already told me that its a lot for him!!! He did not need to add that and make me feel rejected some more. Then he said he can't confide anything to me and I said have a nice life...etc... Awful.

And today I am trying to ignore him and not contact him at all but he is the closest person to me and I now feel so alone. I feel so bad if you read my f-ed up thought you'll see just how awful I feel.

I have all this love to give and I give it to the wrong people.

something interesting happened today

Something very interesting happened today. Since I've been rejected by my lover for a couple weeks now, I was getting very frustrated. And I'm a 31 year old sexual girl! I want to have sex! Sometimes my ovaries actually HURT because I need to have sex. And sometimes I am so stressed it releases all the tension.I have to remind muffin man I am not a 40 something year old soccer mom who doesn't care about sex!
So needless to say I've been practically begging him to come over and fuck me and he keeps declining. I told him I have other options and if he wants to push me away, then fine. I gave him a last chance and he rejected it.
So... A friend of mine whom I had been sleeping with for months at a time over the last few years is celebrating his birthday. For the last year he has been asking me to meet him on lunch break for a quickie. I denied him every time because I am in love with mm and don't want anyone else touching me. Until today. The plan was I meet him on lunch break. He was gonna do something mm NEVER does which is go down on me! if we did tit for tat, he owes me like 100 times! Not that he's that selfish of a lover he claims he doesn't like to do it. It makes me feel unattractive to say the least but I think he has no idea what to do! I mean how dare him?

Anyway... As I woke up this morning, I thought, oh god I don't wanna be with him! I don't want anyone right now other than the love of my life. I actually prayed to god this morning and said "god, please give me a way out of this. Send him far away on jobs where he has no time to get back my way. You promised you'd make a way of escape if we need one so please do this for me."

So I dressed pretty damn sexy for the office. I got stared at by EVERYONE. Very uncomfortable! I sent the bday boy probably about 5-6 text messages and because I needed to plan a lunch break. And I never got a single response! Not one! I have no idea what happened nor do I really care but wow. Very interesting. And when I saw my mm today I go tears in my eyes when I saw the love he has for me in his eyes. I told him today, "oh my god I love you so much I wish I could make it stop!"
I just can't turn this shit off!!

Now I'm all dressed sexy for no one. The mm had meetings all day out of the office. Such is life.

Today, I am satisfied

Surprisingly, I have had to work with muffin man the last week and we have gotten along so well.   The sales assistant i worked with got fired THANK GOD because she was just CRAZY but I have been overloaded with work.  Nine brokers to help. I work non-stop, no break, and run around like a nut.  It's a little overwhelming but the best part is, i am so busy I have no time to dwell on losing him.  Because I really have not lost him.  He loves me.  I can see it in his eyes how much he loves me even when he doesn't want to admit it. And all those little things he does for me?  NOT UNNOTICED! He has my heart and I have his.  I think he needs time to breathe.  Come up for air as I say, as he has been drowning in love.

My goal is to help him build his business so we can work together and be successful.  We make a great team in my opinion, because we care so much about each other... we constantly look out for each other and help each other. I intend to stay in his life for a while.

Today I took a breather in his office and after standing there doing nothing and saying nothing for a few minutes he gently asked "what do you want?" with that little smirk on his face, knowing I just want to be near him.  And I responded "What do I want?  I want you to want me!"

Silence.

Yet Peace.

He asked me another question "what are you looking for?" as i rummaged through his papers...I answered "dunno!" and every question after that?  "dunno!" Last night he read the last post and all the posts and yet had nothing to say... he commented on the fortune cookie blog, and when i asked "is it weird to see someone write about you like that?" his big answer was "dunno"  so guess what?  i gave it right back to him.

At least we can laugh about this very serious issue on our hands. I felt peace... I can't worry if I'll be with him or not.  I love him, he loves me, and I feel good about it. Yes I want him more, yes I want him to be my boyfriend like a real boyfriend, but today I am satisfied.

And did I mention??? I LOVE HIM!!!!

i dont know what to do

I am so heartbroken. I love him from the very depths of my soul. I imagine kissing him, I yearn to be with him, even just to be in his presence. When he is near me I lose my breath. My thoughts erase when he looks in my eyes. His kisses sooth my wounded soul, when he holds my hand I feel secure, and when he is inside me I feel complete. He is everything I love in a man. He's sweet compassionate, he defends me, looks out for me, protects me, makes me laugh every day, he teaches me and guides me, he listens to me, he gives all he can, and makes me feel kike the most important person in the world.

Then there's his other life. Where he does the same for them. He's a damn good guy. And I just don't know what to do! Its too much for him and I know he is completely in love with me and doesn't want to lose me yet he is weighed down by having the double life.

What do I do? Should I move on? I try to but a moment without him in my life and I feel like I can't breath. I can't eat I can't move. I'm lost. but maybe I should force myself to go through it to better his life. I said I'd do anything for him so maybe I should move on for his sake?

I am desperate for his affection and lost without his love. He has me so deep. I truly truly love him. I want to be with him so badly but this pain is getting in our way!!

I can't keep crying over this man. He is wonderful and amazing. And love isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel. So sad. I love you muffin man. I really really do.

what am i supposed to do with this?

I asked muffin man to tell me how he feels about me more often so when he can't be with me I never have to feel insecure. I have copied and pasted his response:

C, the issue here isn't that I don't care for you, which I hope you know I do, but the fact is my situation doesn't allow me to fully show you, either by more frequent intimate moments, or by being more 'available' to you as you need. Believe me, I hate disappointing you as I always seem to do, but the situation only gets harder and harder for me, and weighs more heavily on me on each passing day. And by saying this, I don't want to give the impression that you're a nuisance or a bother. It's just hard for me. I'm sorry that it is, but you want honesty and communication from me. And I realize I was able to be more frequent with our intimate moments earlier in this relationship, but it has gotten harder and harder for me as the time has passed. And I think you deserve more from a relationship than I've been giving you. I realize that, and it weighs on my mind ALL THE TIME how inadequate I've been as a boyfriend to you. I don't like feeling like a failure to you like that. Very frustrating. You have to know that it's not that I don't want to be with you, but more of because I can't, at least not the way I want, and, most certainly, not the way you want.

So... Basically he acts like his marriage is a prison that he can't escape. He truly loves me but chooses to stay in his "situation"

What am I supposed to do with that??? Very hurtful.

just a memory

Today was my ex boyfriend's birthday. Its funny how the one person all my exes eagerly wait to wish them a happy birthday is me. They all told me I made them feel so special. It starts to make them feel uncomfortable at some point, and when they don't have me anymore, they miss me like crazy and think of me every day! They call me out of the blue to say how they think of me every day and how much they loved me. Are you kidding me? These are the men who chose not to be with me!

Here's their brief history. Dave who's parents made him choose either me or them, a cutie from georgia who couldn't handle new yorkers, jeff who is twice my age and wanted to spare me heartache, and now my muffin man who is attempting to distance himself. All I ever am is a memory. The memory that haunts them every day.

Today was jeffs birthday. He said he turned his phone on and was hoping and wishing the phone would beep with the signal he had a voice mail. And when he didn't, his heart sank. But I called him at 1. He truly truly loved me. Just like my muffin man. The only difference was he was more vocal and not afraid to tell me how much he loved me. We used to have the most romantic dinners. For my 29th bday he bought me 2 ridiculously expensive watches, perfume, gift cards, a bed! I was sleeping on a futon and he bought me the best bed. Took me to little italy where we sat way back in a corner and stared at each other. I leaned over to kiss him and my boob hit my glass of red wine. Spilled all over his brand new shirt! He wasn't even mad.
My 30th, he took me to this restaurant I've always wanted to go to but couldn't afford to and even brought two friends of ours. One was the waitress we requested every time we went for brunch. We ate like kings and queens in the best seat there! One of the best nights and definitely the best birthday I ever had.
I truly loved him. And he broke my heart. And again I am just a memory. I am the girl they wish they could be with but "can't." So heartbreaking.
I would do anything to be with my muffin man but my fear is that ill just be another memory to him just like I am to all the other men who still think of me, its just not fair.

Its really not fair.

Well, happy 60th jeffy! I truly loved you and miss you.

it just doesnt go away

"The flame just doesn't go away" these were the words spoken by my lover Thursday night. Let me fill you in on the past week and a half. In my last past I was already mad at him about something, can't remember exactly what. I told him "I feel anger building up inside me. I really need to talk to you" and for over a week of this, he either gave me excuses, or just flat out ignored me! You can tell how upset I was in the last blog. But the confusing part was that through all this he was still doing these really sweet things for me! Buying me coffee, saving cookies for me in the lunch meetings, doing thoughtful sweet things he usually doesn't do. And I know him well enough to know that is not what he does if he feels guilty but that is his way of showing me he loves me and cares about me. So this confused me! I was feeling completely rejected yet I knew he cared.

My anger was internalized for so long that it was really taking a toll on me. My face was broken out, my anxiety was making me shake and I couldn't sit still, and I was crying at my desk at work! Someone would say something that normally wouldn't get to me, but by thursday I had to go to the bathroom and let my cry out in private!

Now I had finally gotten him to come over and talk to me with the choice of thursday or friday, and he chose friday. Finally when he saw the shape I was in, he asked me if I wanted to see him thursday instead of friday and I said yes. I was so thankful he was being sensitive to me.

So he comes over, and I finally got to ask what I needed to hear for two weeks.

"Who am I to you?"

I needed to know! Am I your girlfriend? Your part time lover? Your assistant you fuck when you feel like? Your friend with benefits?

He was making me feel like I was nothing to him. Nothing more than his assistant he bangs when he feels like. NOT TRUE. He reminded me that in the past year he has put walls up like this MANY times-every time he falls deep...

Or in my words, When he is drowning in love, he freaks out and comes up for air...

He explained to me that he opens himself up, falls deeper and deeper, and then flips out because he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to handle this. So as the vicious cycle goes, he puts up walls, I feel rejected, I get depressed and angry, we fight, we make up, we make love, and we fall deeper. It scares him. I can understand why, but the only thing that scares me is losing him. I am so so so in love with him.

So after our talk and my crying my eyes out, I gave him a hug and a kiss. Our kiss breaks down that wall in a split second. When his lips just touch my lips, there is passion and love pouring out of our souls. And he ended up kissing me all over. He asked me if I knew that he expresses his love for me when he's physical and I said "oh yeah, I can always tell!" I felt so loved. Every feeling of rejection and doubt was wiped away with each kiss he gave me. And as he kissed me he said "The flame just doesn't go away" "I know!" I said, "You are trying to turn off something that can't be turned off! Its impossible!" "So what do we do? We always end up right back here" "don't fight it!"

He keeps trying to fight it! You love me so just follow your heart and be with me for gods sake! Ok so you can't be with me right now but you can think about how to be with me eventually, no?

I truly believe with all my heart that he was my lover in a past life. I was taught that past lives are non-existent and "not of god" but I know I knew him and it was confirmed to me MANY times by different psychics. I will post more on that in another post but supposedly we were lovers hundreds of years ago. Imagine we have loved each other for hundreds of years. Passionate lovers meant to be together. You cannot shut that down! Cannot! How could you? And why would I want to?

I am so in love. So madly and deeply in love. I have drowned. And I don't want to be saved. I want to stay right here. With him! I love him so much that I can't even express it enough! Not in words or actions! It almost hurts me physically! Its like I have to get it out and can't!

Uuuuuugh!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

so over it

I'm really getting sick and tired of this shit. He ignores me at work and accuses me of distracting him, which is fine, I understand u need to stay focused, but why can't he take me downstairs with him when he goes to get lunch? You can't talk to me for 5 fucking minutes? Are you too focused then? NO! Its just an excuse. He's full of them!! Bullshit excuses and lies. Ok so you don't wanna talk to me at work, how about after work? Oh yes that's right you can't talk to me then either, too busy. Weekends? Nope too busy! Well fuck you! If you aren't interested leave me alone!
But he never does! This is the bullshit he does. He gives just enough to keep me swooning, yet never enough to actually commit to anything. And when confronted, its another excuse. I'm so sick of it! Its nowhere near a 50/50 relationship. Its 80/20. I get the leftovers like I said. Not interested anymore. Just not interested. I can't keep pulling him, and drawing from him, and begging, and pleading... He's not worth it and I don't deserve it.
He not only rejects me, he insults my intelligence and adds insult to injury with his excuses. Ugh... So over it. Screw him.