the moment i wish for everyone on earth...

I truly wonder if other people get to experience this. I really hope so, and if not, I hope they do at some point in their life.

There's this moment when mm will look at me, and something happens. Our eyes meet, and within seconds this magic happens. I feel this surge of energy rush through my body. Like electricity, or lightning, travelling through my veins. My heart starts to pump faster, my stomach gets butterflies. His energy transfers into me and mine into him.

His smile brings warmth to my body and any stress lifts off of me. His lips touch mine, and the energy rushes through me. My entire being melts. The world disappears. I'm in another dimension. My thoughts flee, my will and strength submits to this uncontrollable love I feel between us. I'm all his. At that moment, I don't have a care or worry in the world.

He kisses me and all his love transfers to my soul, and I have no doubts he is in love with me. Our spirits and souls are one. This moment... This is where I hold back tears. I am so sensitive to every dimension, my body loses control and the emotion and overwhelming sensations take over me. I hold back my tears. I am so happy, so electrified. At this moment I feel alive. I feel lucky. Blessed. Special.

And its a moment only created when he is with me. No one else. Its a feeling neither of us can fight. We can be SO mad at each other and this spark happens when we look at each other, and we succumb to it.

I hate when he tries to fight it. He's trying to be a good husband I know but he can't fight it. And I love that in that moment he can forget about his worries and fears. He is every bit as lost in me as I am in him. It makes me so happy to know he can be that happy too.

And in that moment, he is mine. All mine. We have no lives outside of us. We are in our own world. The place our souls long to be every day. I can't even describe it well enough in words. Its powerful! Its so strong, so incredible.


That moment... That's what I wonder if other people have.

God do I love him. I really really love him.

Thank you all for your responses by the way. I've been really down in the dumps and I'm sure its not fun to read. Talk about a roller coaster ride!

Anyway the muffin man is away and still managed to bbm me for three hours straight. Amazing. We got in a fight which all started from me complaining. Then made up. I can't get enough of him and I love him. I'm still sorting things out. Saw a psychic. She was absolutely amazing. I have a follow up meeting with her this weekend and will blog about that.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas! I got myself a laptop so I can finally comment on peoples blogs including my own!!! I wish you all joy and peace, god knows that's what I need!

prophetic dream

I cannot believe this incredible dream I had last night. Since I have been living in total regret about the abortion knowing I killed my son, I have been in misery. Last night I had a dream that I was travelling very far in rain, on bike, seemed to be a struggle to get where I needed to go. And I finally got to what looked like a hospital and my whole family was there with me. I was going to see my son. I had seen a picture of him and he was chubby. So cute. I went into a room where a few other young women were to see their babies as well. A nurse who had been taking care of him, handed him to me wrapped in blankets.

I stared at him, smelled him, he recognized me as his mom. I was concerned he was neglected since I hadn't been there for him, but the nurse really loved him. I looked at him and said, I will call him Nathan. I remember the nurse going to take him and he started to cry and reached towards me. He knew I was his mommy.

But I had to let him go. :( it was horrible.

The most amazing part of this story is that I went to work today and did research on the name Nathan. Mind you, this is a name I would NEVER have picked for my son.But if I have another I will definitely name him Nathan. And call him Nate. The name means "gift from God" which is exactly what I knew he was and I LET EVERYONE PRESSURE ME TO KILL HIM!!!! I DIDNT WANT TO! And I will forever live in regret and fear of what I've done!

The history of this name: king david in the bible, named his third child he had with Bathsheba, Nathan! And who was bathsheba? The woman he commited adultery with.

I cannot believe I had that dream! I am in shock. And still, I wanna die. I was supposed to have that baby and I took matters into my own hands because I let idiots who thought they knew more than me, talk me into it. I failed.

still crying...

couldnt stop crying all day... i dont know what to do.  i am SO SO SO in love with him.  and i want to save myself from the dead end ahead but i still have this hope that i will get to be with him.  but in the meantime i am in so much pain as well as being so amazingly in love.  I dont know what to do.  i just dont know what to do.

why cant i have what i want? why?  i always do for everyone else and never for me. ive never had what i wanted ever! and the one thing i want, the one thing i want is to be with him. ive never wanted anyone or anything so badly in my life.  and i cant have him.

this is why i want to escape from this life and start over.  but i wonder if i would play the cards dealt to me the same exact way...

fantasy world

Ya know how they say "don't ever date a married man. They never leave their wife"?? Well I should have listened to that advice. Why do I put myself through this torture? I live in a fuckin fantasy world where in the end I get to be with my soul mate. Which I believe he is. But the reality is... He won't follow his heart or soul. He'll do what he thinks is the right thing to do. Why do I waste my life away? No wonder I have thoughts that I just wanna die! I live in pain every day! And the thing is, he'll pull me in to his loving arms and fantasy world again and ill be back to the beginning. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Waiting for my psychic's call back. I'll post what she says.
I just wanna cry...

My daughter's words

Tonight I was talking to my 13 year-old daughter about boys... She saw my phone and saw that I was bbm-ing (texting but instant messaging on a blackberry) with the muffin man. She knows I call him that so she said, "gee mom who are you talking to?  muffin man?" She knows we bbm every single day. "tell muffin man I said HIIIIIIII!" I said, "I thought you didnt like him."  "no mom I like him I just dont like the choices he makes." meaning she knows how he feels about me when he is married. then she had a heart to heart with me about him.

She said "mom i feel so bad for you.  It must be so sad to not be able to be with someone you are in love with." "yeah it is.  it hurts."  "mom, if he wasn't married, I think you two would be married already." "really? why is that?"  "because you two are just so perfect! There's just something so special about you two.  I dont know what it is, but there's something really special! I cant put words to it."

Then I thought to myself... my God how sad it is. If he wasn't married we would be perfect together. I love him from the depths of my soul. And he feels the same. No doubt.

Read my F-ed up thought to hear more of this...

unbelievable

Does anyone remember last week when I stated that I had this very strong feeling something was going to happen to ruin my birthday again? That it would snow, or something would happen with his family or mine, or SOMETHING would ruin my saturday night date with muffin man? Well guess what! There's a fuckin blizzard on its way!!! He thinks I'm clairvoyant because I absolutely knew something would happen. I'm so upset!!! He's going to florida for a week and a half!!! And I won't see him! I wanna cry!

the card

Today he couldn't have been more in love with me. I don't know what got into him but he was really different. His mood was very solemn and peaceful. He came over in the morning and said two unexpected things that really showed how much he loves me.

1. He told me my therapist that I have mentioned before he sees every wednesday, asked him if I had a good birthday, and he told her, "yeah she did. I tried to make it as special as I could for her"
Wow. Big deal! He was so locked up and afraid to express anything about me openly like that to her. It must be a relief for him. I love when he feels open and has his guard down
2. Right in the middle of discussing work with me, he blurts out, "yeah I do think I knew you in a past life" I again was shocked. "What? Really?" "Yeah I saw it in your eyes" ok wow! He calls that "mystical" when I discuss spiritual stuff with him and has a hard time believing it. But something happened that he saw what I see! I could not believe it. I told him I was shocked he was saying that and he said "yeah wow! First the card, then I said that, huh?" Uh... YEAH! WOW!!!??

Then later on I was in his office standing near him and he looked at my key necklace and fixed the chain so the clasp would be behind my neck. This surge of energy rushed through my body. I could feel it from him to me as it went through me. All of my insides. And that little gesture transferred all his feelings into my soul. Amazing. Do other people experience this? Its incredible. Then he said "I don't know what you did to me" I don't know either, but it makes me so thankful I have been hanging in through the tough times. His love is amazing.

And here is his card:

The best thing about you is the way you take everything that happens and just make it part of your big life adventure. Its so fun to watch you glide along through life with that great smile on your face...
Then he goes on to write how he thought of me immediately when reading that and how I am willing to take on and accept the consequences of my life experiences. (He knows I am willing to get hurt to experience such an amazing love. You can't experience the depth of love if you are scared to get hurt. It comes with the territory) He continues: from the bottom of my heart I can't thank you enough for taking this wild ride with me so far in all of its spectacularness, as well as its heartaches. Then he says how special I am to him and how he doesn't say it enough and the tough exterior is a cover up for his true feelings. And he signs it, I love you!!!!

His card was beautiful. His mood must have been because he took down the "tough exterior."

I truly am so in love with him. Even though there is so much heartache, I feel so lucky to have him. He is my best friend, lover, and I believe, soul mate.

my birthday

This morning I had finally picked out an outfit. I was wearing black pants and a cool purple v-neck low cut sweater that was short sleeved but came to my elbows. The material is soft almost as soft as cashmere. It wasn't really sexy but you could see my shape. I was ready to go when my phone buzzed with a message. It was an email notification that violet vamp commented on my blog. I read it, and it was the fourth comment telling me to go for the hot lunch sex. So I figured you all knew what you were talking about and quickly changed into my easy access dress and boots. Just in case I was in the mood.

So I got to work, had a really nice morning, everyone was very nice and wished me a happy birthday. My boss was extra nice and knew I was going out to lunch with muffin man so she let me take longer than an hour. We both were really sensitive today. My ex called me ad sang to me. Total shocker. I truly loved him deeply, and he actually made me cry. I miss someone making me feel so amazing every minute they talked to me. That's the one thing mm lacks. He needs to be more verbal. Anyway, his mother called him right as we were about to leave and discussed the condition of his father with him. So he was on the verge of tears, worrying about him and her, and I was wiping my tears. Great way to start lunch huh? Needless to say, we opted for food.

We went to the place we always go to. Poor thing was crying talking about his dad on the way there. Not wanting to ruin my day he tried to push it aside as to not upset me. But when we got to the table, I asked him where he wanted to sit, we both wanted the chair that faces your back to the room. But for two totally different reasons. I wanted to face him and see only him because I didn't care about anyone else and I didn't want to be distracted. HE, however, didn't want anyone he knew to see him because he can't hide his emotions with me. Boom! Right there the tears started. That is the most painful thing about being in this situation. I actually thought he wanted that seat for the same reason as me. Of course as you can imagine, he felt awful about that asinine move.

Well we got to talking, it was pretty heavy. He told me about his relationship with his dad, some bad things and some good. And we compared dads. I talked about my sister and brothers becoming alcoholics because of my dad's abuse... As I got tipsy on wine. Then we discussed what I wanted to do for my birthday this saturday. And then he gave me my card. I was shocked. I really expected him to be like last year and have nothing for me but this year he was so different. He gave me a card so perfect for me and wrote a page and a half! This is monumental for him. I will post his card tomorrow. Its getting late. But after I read it, I said it was the best card I ever got. I was really really happy. I mean, he really loves me. And he struggles on a daily basis. He's not a typical "cheater" who sought out some action on the side. He fell into this. Not that he was innocent but he was unprepared and blind sided when his feelings kicked in so quickly.

When we got in the car, he gave me my necklace I wanted the link to the picture of it is posted in the blog "the roller coaster rides" if you are interested in seeing it. I was really happy. I put it on and told him I will wear it every day. Its a key in the shape of a heart. He asked me later "is that supposed to represent th key to your heart?" "Absolutely!" I told him. He smiled.

I gave him a hug before I left. I never got to kiss him, I kissed him on the cheek in the car after I put my necklace on. I wreaked of wine and was kinda drunk when I got back to work. Oops! :) the rest of my birthday was great too. My daughter wrote me a beautiful card, and made me a special gift, and grandma and grandpa gave me beautiful gifts. And grandma and my daughter and I went out for dinner where my daughter made a point to tell me that all the guys were checking me out and talking about me as I walked by. Remember I did dress sexy today...

All in all it was a great day. He really made me feel special. And tonight, I reread that card, sober, and it was amazing. He poured his heart out. I truly love this man.

I need answers from readers!!!

Ok so if I didn't mention earlier, I have had this horrible feeling that SOMETHING was going to happen to ruin my birthday. Whether it be the weather, his family, SOMETHING. So I have been telling him this and he thinks I'm ridiculous and I am speaking it into existence.  He said he thinks my suspicions are wrong and not to worry. Still I couldnt shake the feeling.  So last night he sends me a text saying his father was just rushed to the hospital, thinks he may have had a stroke. Call me selfish but after worrying about him, the very next thought that immediately came to mind was: "I KNEW IT!"  Last year it was ruined, and this year it will be again.  I so wanted to just go out and spend an incredible night with him like i did the night we went to see Foreigner in concert. My favorite band btw...that was the most amazing night I've ever had with ANYONE! EVER!

All day he was sensitive, mopey, and worried about his dad.  i felt so helpless!  I didn't know what to do!  I didn't want him to worry about me and my birthday or my needs.  I wanted to be there for him but I get so nervous when he is upset.  He's the one who always listens to me, consoles me, hugs me, etc. I hate being in the other side, but I also love being able to be there for him when he is in need.

However... i had a serious problem today.  Last night I decided to reread Complicated Kitten's post called "dear santa." I was so horny I had to take care of myself before I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to a dream where I was fingering myself and making myself cum. I cannot do this in real life, I need the muffin man to do that for me. So sexually frustrating waking up to that. It wasn't until about 2:00pm that I got this wave of horniness that swept over me. I was SO horny out of nowhere that the inside of me was actually throbbing! It almost HURT inside me because my body was ACHING to be fucked. I actually let out a whimper that sounded like something I would do if MM was touching me! I love when he touches me.  I love when his hands run all over my body and his mouth kisses every part of me. That's when I know how much he loves me.  And I get ridiculously wet.  At the first kiss. But today I had no kiss.  No touching.  I was sitting in a cubicle soaking wet, moaning to myself! I had to go to the bathroom shortly there after and had to wipe myself three times to dry myself up. And about two minutes later, back at my desk, I was wet again.

I wanted to tell MM so badly but I was afraid to.  I had sent him a text asking if he could come over later tonight but he was a little annoyed at me for wanting an answer right away and seemed to be turned off that i would even dare ask him such a thing when his mind was elsewhere. So later on as I was literally in pain on the inside of me, I sent him a text asking if I could tell him something without him getting upset. He promised and I told. 
His genius answer was: "what am I supposed to do with that?"
My immediate answer: "well let's see.  there are two choices.  You either ignore me like usual, or you fuck me! what kind of question is that?"
He replied with: "well what can I do about it now? if you need it that badly, I can give it to you tomorrow during the day." how hot is that btw? (I'll give you what you need.)
"really????" i answered.

So here is my dilemma. What do I do? Should I go out for lunch as planned and spend quality time?  Or do I have hot passionate sex crammed in his car somewhere? What if I don't get to go out this coming Saturday night to go out for my birthday and this lunch is all I get?  We can have sex ANYTIME but a special date is rare. Even if it is only lunch.  We never get to do that. Or.... how exciting is that to have some crazy hot sex during the work day?  We haven't done that.  And it IS my birthday!  I need an orgasm! And seeing his is stressed he could use one too.

UGH! What do i do???  HELP!

Even his hug and kiss is amazing

Eh, today I dont have much to say about the muffin man. Other than the last time I saw him was Friday on my way out the door.  He came to give me a kiss and a hug goodbye.  The hug lasted a while.  It was a hug where he held me. It was like he wanted to soak up all the hurt and anger and thoughts in my head out of me and tale it on himself to relieve me of my pain. He is so loving that way.  The kiss... started out with his eyes that seemed to pour our rivers of colors that you can only see in the spiritual sense. His face had that look that said: My heart is yours. His smile said my love is strong and deep.  And as he kissed me, it was as if he wanted to translate AAALLLL that feeling in that one kiss.  Since that is impossible, he had to kiss me like 5, 6, 7 more times. We can kiss for a long time but we were still at work and didn't want anyone to see us. We were in a secluded spot but it's nerve wracking.

My birthday is in two days and I cannot wait to see what he does or says. I know he is taking me out to lunch as he always does.  It's fun.  it feels like a date.  We get to stare at each other for an hour. I love him. SO MUCH!

Where is my anonymous reader with the European guy? I need an update!!! And SA! How's the I love you coming along?

I now may hate the word "labels"

Here i sit crying with my heart in my throat... he asked me to do those fuckin labels for him again. I had to sit and print them out as i tried to get the image of that picture out of my head. I was angry, sad, hurt, and disgusted. He waited until after 5 to ask me to do that and while in HIS mind he was being sensitive to me about it, I was trying not to cry. He was supposed to come over today and didn't because we got in a fight over this.  I just didn't want to see him.  I told him "go home to your wife." And tomorrow is Hanukkah.  I will have barely any contact with him. He has ignored me the past two hours as I tried to explain over texting why the cards make me so upset.  I just copied and pasted the blog called "the holiday cards" and then the one called "french toast and salad" And as if I was the horrible one here... I get no response.  He won't even look at his phone.

What did I do here exactly? Get upset because I am completely in love with someone who has a wife? And feels the NEED to send a card out with a picture of them together? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT THAT! I can have feelings! He cant control them! I cant even control them! They are what they are! And they are strong!

And now I am sitting here crying because my my heart is torn. Tonight was supposed to be our time together and he had to go asking me for fuckin labels! The last time we were together was the blog "the best sex with muffin man... ever" That's the last time. Two weeks ago! I wanted another special time and I've waited a long time now...and it's ruined. I feel sick.

I hate this.

french toast and salad

Quick blog today about how sweet mm was today. Due to the horrible weather, roads were closed. I was running late and while sitting in traffic wondered if he would be taking the same road I take. He has a meeting every wednesday morning and brings breakfast to the office. Bagels, muffins, french toast... The french toast is so good. Its made from a thick loaf of italian bread. I keep syrup at my desk for wednesdays. I laugh to myself when he brings it in because I gave him the name muffin man long before he started to actually bring in muffins!
So I sent him a text to warn him of the road blocks and let him know I was going to be late. When he realized I wouldn't be there until at least 9:30, he sent me a text back saying my french toast was waiting for me.

I walked in and went to my desk to find a plate of french toast with a plate covering it on top waiting for me just like he said. He actually pulled them out of the bag to set aside before anyone took them. SO SWEET! He made me feel so loved.

Then for lunch, I told him I'd treat him to lunch and get me some soup and whatever he wanted for himself. I also said "if you make yourself something you think I'll like, make me that instead" So he came up with my soup, my money, and a little salad. The perfect size I like. With all the stuff I like. I couldn't believe he remembered little things I said I like! I know its something so little but it was a big deal to me.

He loves me. :)

And I am so in love with him!

The roller coaster rides...and the fuckin pictures!

So many things happen in one day, i cant even keep up with it to blog it all. but we got in... let's see... three arguments i think? but they arent that bad.  i mean we make up in like 10 minutes. unless its a really bad one.  but today's roller coaster ride was as follows:

• 9:15 i call him in the morning in a fluster because too much was going on at the time and i was stressing. he helped me through it and calmed me down as far as that project went, and i was in tears when he asked me what was wrong and i vented about the a-holes i work for
• 9:30 i offer to get him coffee from the cafe downstairs because i went for a bagel
• 10:35 the broker i did a job for that mm helped me with called me to tell me what a fantastic job i did and to say thank you.
• 10:40 i send mm a text message to thank him for helping me and told him what a great friend he is and for always being there for me
• 11:15 i send him another text saying how upset i was that the manager seemed to not care about me at all in a situation i need help with... moving my seat to a quieter place because i cant sit in a stressful seat when i have anxiety
• 12:00 he sends one back explaining how its not personal but its the job and how he thinks i take things the wrong way
• i tell him maybe i should leave this industry then because clearly i cant handle it according to all of them, i mean its changing my fuckin SEAT people!  not a big deal!
• 12:01 he sends me the sweetest message that reads: i never suggested that, i think you dont give yourself enough credit for being able to handle some of the craziness.  i think you can, and i'll continue to help you try and deal with it all.        how sweet was that???
• 12:05 i see him in the mail room while i am making copies.  i cant even remember what the heck we said but we got in a fight because i said "dont worry about me and my problems.  i will find someone else to talk to." i sincerely meant that as thinking of him and trying not to burden him but he clearly took it the wrong way because his response was "fuck you!" we argued and were MAD
  
• 12:15 i send him a text "how do you go from that sweet text to fuck you so quickly?"
• back and forth texting/arguing/communicating until 1:00 when i end it with i dont know what i'd do if i didnt have you here. he truly is my best friend.
• 1:00-4:00 cant even remember what happened... so many conversations... he notices my necklace which is keys. i got it from my ex and my ex has the 3rd key on his key chain. i had already told mm i want a key necklace from tiffany's which is why he brought it up. since my bday and christmas is coming up. he tried to find the picture i printed out for him but couldnt
• while i am in his office i go to his bookshelf for something only to find a picture of him and his wife he had but took down last year because i couldnt stomach it.  i left his office and when he said where are you going? i answered: to go throw up! the fuckin pictures! they make me SICK

(side note: my friend saw him and his wife two or three months back and said they seemed completely distant and there was no connection whatsoever... she was annoyed that he would continue to stay like that and then watched him as he was texting me)

• 4:00 i send him a link to tiffany with the picture of the necklace i want.  he calls me to discuss it. if you want to see the one i want here is the link: http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=24466833&mcat=148204&cid=573050&search_params=s+5-p+3-c+573050-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+ 
• 4:55 he comes over to help me figure out my medical deductions from my paycheck (again being a great friend that i love so much) 
• 4:56 i tried to fix his tie and he gets furious and jumps back and tells me not to touch him or something like that.  i get FURIOUS because every other guy in that place loves when i touch them! LOVES it! not this one!
• 5:00 i sign out refuse to talk to him say goodnight and walk away. he tells me to wait up so he can walk out with me but i told him i had to go to the bathroom. he doesnt wait. later i send him a text that reads: rude
• 5:10 we discuss the traffic as if nothing happens

i had to coach basketball and he had a meeting so we didnt talk much later tonight...

now tell me... is this a crazy relationship or what?  this is a typical day!  we do this every single day! and the more friction, the hotter we are for each other!  otherwise we would be bored.

opinions?

the holiday cards

Well well well... The happy train has left the station. Back to the reality that the love of my life is married.

Last year we were just beginning this relationship. Two months of love and excitement. I was starting to fall in love with him but still completely unaware of the level it would get to. It was the time of the year when the financial advisers were sending their holiday cards out. I was naive then and snuck a peek at his cards to find a heart wrenching sight. This picture of him, his wife, and two daughters. The perfect little happy family. So precious. And he was sending it to his clients! It was the first time my stomach turned and my heart felt like it was in my throat. I wanted to throw up. Literally. It was sickening.

Well... Fast forward. A year later. We have been through the worst times of our lives together, we are completely in love, and realized we can't live without each other. Last year I was working in a different department and it wasn't until february that I got my wish and became his assistant. Also naive to think it would be "fun" to work with someone you are in a relationship with!

As the season was approaching this year I told him "if you think you are sending those family christmas cards don't you even think that I will have any part of it!" "Of course not! I may not even do that this year." Whew! What a relief I wouldn't have to deal with that. So I asked him last friday, "who are you sending cards to so I can send them out?" (We send cards for birthdays on a website we have so I was planning on picking a card and sending them out) and he said these disgusting words: "I may send my card out to some of them so I'll let you know. But I'll do it myself so you don't even have to see it" "I better not see it!" "Okay!" "Its sickening!" "I understand"

Does he? Really? No I don't think so. Because if he did understand, he would never have asked me today to print labels for him to send the cards out! And then when I get upset and say sorry I didn't do it yet its not really my priority, say "its work related you can't get upset"

Don't you dare tell me to not be upset! He doesn't get what that means to me! You are still sending out a picture to all your friends family and clients saying "look at our happy perfect little family!" To me this means he has no intentions of fessing up to his wife his real feelings but will continue to go through the motions of a happy home. Its a lie! A big fat disgusting lie! And I will always be the secret no one can know about. It hurts so bad it makes my stomach turn!

I am the type of person who needs to tell someone I'm upset right away because if I don't, it will eat at me and fester and I will blow up at them for everything else! So I called him on my way home to tell him how upset it made me and I was crying. He said he was sorry but I still don't think he gets just how bad that makes me feel. And how SICKENING it is to me!

Very upsetting...

Then I told him "sorry" doesn't make me feel better! You can't think of a single thing that you could say that would make me feel better?

All he has to say is how he feels about me! Something to make me feel secure in how he feels about me! How I'm in his heart, how he thinks of me all the time, how he's in love with me, the reason why he feels it so necessary to send that card out, how he plans to make me feel special on my birthday... ANYTHING! But all I got was "sorry" it was heartfelt and made me feel like he did care but he just doesn't get it. Just doesn't get it.

Sickening.