been busy... and so tired

I have been so busy working and being exhausted with this pregnancy that i have not had any time to write or even read blogs. I finally thought of a name for the baby.  I prayed about it and asked God to help me. I had a feeling He answered back and let me know it would just hit me. I had a strong feeling about the first name that she was a Rachel. I LOVE the bible story about Rachel and Leah and how Jacob LOVED Rachel and worked 14 years on her fathers farm for her. I dont like how they competed with each other and their lives revolved around men. One man. Jacob. But I do love Rachel. And my baby feels like a Rachel. It means Peace of God. And the middle name that was stressing me out finally hit me. My mom's name. Frances. It means free!! And it means From France. If you know me at all you will know I love France, I want to move there, and I feel like I am from there. So that blew me away when I all of a sudden thought of it and decided to look it up. I suddenly felt peace and the wieght and worry of a name lifted off of me. Rachel Frances. Sounds like the 1930's or 40's too. Why i like it even MORE!

I posted this on my sister's fb wall about the name Rachel:



I was just reading the story of Rachel and Leah. omg how sad their lives were back then. it revolved around MEN! my favorite was when Rachel said to Jacob: GIVE ME A SON OR I WILL DIE! and he says, "AM I GOD?" That's actually amusing. the pathetic part is when Leah is like "oh! surely he will love me now! i gave him 4 sons!" So Rachel, who cant be outdone by her sister, gives him her servant to ha...ve more boys. And Leah does the same. I mean, how pathetic. their lives revolved around men! And they werent fulfilled unless their men loved them. Its about as pathetic as a wife who "supports" her husband when he cheated on her and was in love with another woman and never really loved her. How pathetic. Women need to focus on themselves and not men. (Thats what i am learning to do and I'm much better off.)

That last part was about the scumbag's PATHETIC wife who he DOES NOT love or respect! She has no respect for herself obviously. So what is she gonna do when the paternity test comes out positive? I dreampt of him last night that he was envious of me holding kissing and loving the baby. And he wanted to be a part of it but was still trapped in his "situation." Im sure thats how he will be. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Guaranteed he comes back like they all do. Who else did? The dominican and a guy from a year ago I went out with ONCE. They all come back. All of them. I dont know why they do, they just do.  I must be very different than other women i guess. I have finally learned from my friend Mike how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Now that I have seen this I will never be with an asshole again. And Dickface is an asshole. I would never want to be with him again. I hope he comes back and regrets everything and feels like a damn fool. And i'll remind him of all the horrible things he did to me and all the great things i did for him. I still think about all the fun things we did and all the times we kissed and stuff and how much i truly loved him. Then I think about what a pathetic coward he is and how horribly mean and selfish he was and how he said such hateful things about my baby and I say good riddens you scum.

Anyway I am 31 weeks now! In only 6 weeks I will be full term! Can you believe that? Well heres a picture of my belly. :)

my 100th post

this should be a good post then...
I wish I had more to say.  I have one more day without him and then I see him Friday at work. I miss him. But I'm fine without him. I spoke to the Dr's office today. Pregnancy numbers are perfect. Have an ultrasound scheduled for March 16, and more blood next week. I pretty much came to the conclusion after much heartache and mental battling that I cannot kill it. I just cant do it. I will have to suffer the consequences of having a baby. The more I thought about it the more I realized that he would be there for me. He will be there to help. He wont let me suffer alone. Just as he doesnt let me suffer heartache alone. He is always right there with me feeling what I feel, dealing with what I am dealing with, and being there as much as he can.  And it's not our fault. He didnt cum inside me! I am clearly extremely fertile.

Another thing I was thinking. When he and my daughters grandma convinced me to have an abortion, their reasons were the "inconvenience" it would cause, and how it would destroy lives. Well, I had my daughter as a senior in high school and what would you tell a HS student with her whole future ahead of her? Get rid of this baby, its a huge inconvenience, and it will destroy your life and future and strain everyone else's lives around you. Well, they couldnt have been more wrong. She has brought joy to so many people! Adults, kids her age, kids younger, older, my family, her fathers family, she saved mine and her fathers lives. We would have both commited suicide by now if it hadnt have been for her. And imagine the pain and devastation that would've caused on our families. She has been invited to vacations all over the country with families who just love her so much. They tell me how she is polite and kind and amusing and a joy. So dont you DARE tell me my little baby who didnt ask to be born would ruin lives, cause pain and suffering, and we'd all be better without him/her. And I say that to anyone who tries to tell me to kill another baby. Family, nurses, MM himself, anyone.  I cant hold the guilt of repercussions on HIS family for my choice. I can only think about my own family. And I will not be ruining lives. Ruining a life is what my dad did to my brother. Beat the shit out of him mentally emotionally and physically day in and day out until he finally had a nervous breakdown and ended up an alcoholic in a mental hospital! THAT is ruining a life. This baby will complicate things and change the course of destiny we all had planned for everyone, but ruin lives? no. Who doesnt look at a cute baby smiling at you and doesnt feel happy inside?

As for my whore "friend,"  she stopped to me and deleted me on fb and bbm. Like I am the one who did something wrong!! I couldnt believe her! That right there admits her guilt. What a loser. She was 46 sleeping with a 22 year old. Who is cheating on her friend with her. Good job. You are awesome. Here is a picture JUST FOR YOU...

What a twist in my soap opera huh? I thought I was moving on, then I end up pregnant, then I find out the new loser was cheating with my friend. Wow. Couldnt predict that...