Halloween Baby... Very Ironic

My "lil punkin" came on Halloween. This day couldnt have been more ironic. I believe God created this child with a plan a purpose a destiny and she would bring joy comfort and peace to many. She has already brought my family together, my friends, my relationships, and brought out the evil one's true colors. We are yet to see what happens to him. Yet to see his sin unfold before his family and friends. He is struggling to keep the secret but all truth will be brought to light.

Halloween 2008.

We had just started to see each other. the first time we hung out he met me at a bar where i was seeing a band i knew play. The would let me sing. I drank so much that night he had to drive me home. I will never forget it. the guitarist wanted to hook up with me as well as douchebag, whom i then endearingly called, "muffn man" He drove me home and walked me upstairs. The room was spinning. He kissed me and I knew he wanted to have sex with me but I wouldnt let him. Because a. the room was spinning! and b. the guitarist was going to come over in a very short while. (Like 30 minutes) So i pushed hiom away and told him I wasnt feeling well and he knew it was because the guitarist was coming over. My phone was ringing. This was in Spetmeber.

The next time we hung out was Halloween. A coworker of ours, one we both liked very much because she was so sweet... who by the way left very shortly after because it is very hard to survive in that hell hole... was having her birthday party. Her birthday was Halloween. We planned to go see her at this club about 30 minutes away. I had just done my hair and got dressed when he came over. I then started to apply my heavy make up (smoky eyes and black liner) because after all, it was Halloween and we didnt have costumes. I remember we began to make out and things got hot and heavy. I debated with him if we should stay in or go out. I wanted to go out with him and be able to hang out as a "couple" and have fun, but I also wanted to get closer to him physically. so we decided to stay in. I even remember exactly how the sex went. I didnt like the way he kissed me because you can always tell how a man feels about you by the way he kisses you.  If any men are reading this, do you know a woman can tell exactly how you feel when you kiss her? Anyway, I told him to kiss me like he was trying to tell me something. "don't just stick your tongue in my mouth all horny and revved up to go, kiss me like you want me to know something. Like you have something to say and you are expressing it through your kisses" Well that didn't happen for about a month. And as time went on, I could feel the love he had for me from deep inside through his kisses. I remember when he was coming close to cumming i told him to cum on my face. lol. It was something I had only done once and I liked it. And douchbag was safe. I knew it would blow his mind and he would be game since he was a bored married man whose sex consisted of him getting off to a dead fish who had no interest in sex. I told him to jerk off in my face and cum on my face. I remember it was one of the hottest things I had done. I only and a couple lovers who would do things like that. And i felt very comfortable with each. He was all excited and I remember thinking "This is going to be fun to be freaky with him. He's up for anything and is excited to do all of it" And that it was. All of it. Everything was great. As long as it was on his terms and he stayed in control of when we saw each other and how much he would choose to invest homself into it. I'm sure he's regreting ever falling for me.
But the very day he chose to break his covenant with his wife, to betray her, was Halloween 2008. Anytime he would mention to me or anyone else when he considered us starting this so-called relationship was Halloween. He would always say, "well, Halloween is when we first started "dating" or some version of that. well isnt it ironic that exactly 3 years later your daughter was born? So now every year for the rest of his life, Halloween will come around and "haunt" him as he is reminded what a horrible person he is. I could imagine his thoughts are " I hurt my wife, I hurt my kids, I regret ever meeting her, she ruined my life, I'll never be able to afford child support, I pray she isnt mine." oh well... she is. She has his dimples. and feet. the rest is all me.

Pretty funny she was birn then huh? If it had been a random date like Oct 23 or 28, he could put it ot of his mind, but this way, he will NEVER FORGET! Sadly, he chooses to create his own hell. He could have done the honorable thing but I dont think he is capable of being hinrable about anything.

I was looking at the baby's picture and comparing it to his and all of a sudden I got a whiff of his smell in my mind. Suddenly I missed him and started to cry. I miss the past. Not him now. Now I just wish he would be civil and go to a DNA center with me instead of ignoring it and making it worse. He is in his own hell and wants to throw it oonto me. As much as I have thought about his stupid thoughts or missing him etc, I thought about the one he is hurting the most with his abandoning and rejection. My daughter. well, all three of his daughters. His 2 older ones will be hurt by his adultery and the little one, by his ultimate rejection. Unless he cant live with himself any longer and has to acknowledge her. We shall see.

In the meantime he is refusing to do a paternity test until I take the baby which pisses me off because i am absolutely not paying for it. He wants it, he can pay. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer. Maybe the court will order it and make him pay. Fuckin bullshit. He is an ASSHOLE! He is a child who has to play games and try to make me "pay" for "ruining his life" Fuck him.
anyway here are a couple more pictures. I am in love with this perfect little angel. Best abby ever. Content, sweet, cuddly, perfect.

RACHEL FRANCES
October 31, 2011
8 lbs 11 ounces (I pushed her out in 12 minutes...)
21 1/4 inches long

a week old

one day old

also one day old

I'm finally dialated

2 cm. if the baby doesnt come by monday, she is inducing me. its SO uncomfortable but i will miss feeling her inside me. So the douchebag is back at work. and my friend called me and told me most of the people are furious he's there and quite a few complained to the manager. the "manager" who is the worst fuckin manager ive ever seen, basically told my friend to deal with it, in so many words and that he is leaving when i get back. hes such a weasel. the second i leave he runs back. i really want to leave and let him just stay there. i dont even care anymore if hes there. i mean if i loved my job, i'd care but i dont. i was asked to send my resume to my friends brother in law who works DOWN THE STREET from me as a financial adviser. and he works alone. how great would that be. the only downside is he wants me to get my license. UGH. brutal. but if i can get paid to work down the street for someone who is actually an honorable person, who appreciates a hard worker, then great!

so remember my friend who got me the car? i never blog about him on here. im gonna have to start yet another one since this part time lover turned into my full time enemy. but my friend who has been here for me through this entire ordeal, who chooses to love me and be with me and support me and do everything in the world for me fully knowing i have another mans child inside me yet went to the ultrasound with me and bought me my crib and car seat/stroller/travel system.... he is the best thing that sever happened to me. (other than my daughters) i feel like all the assholes i loved with all my being, i have finally reaped what I have sown. everyone that meets him and knows him and I mean EVERYONE, tells me to marry him. especially my daughter. it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that someone wonderful loves me. i pushed it away for a year and he never left me and never gave up on me. he said i was worth waiting for. well, finally i have come to the point where mt feelings went from uncomfortable to comfortable as friends, to genuine feelings. we have NOT had sex, just fooled around 2 times and barely anything... but we have built it on friednship. i tell him i move him every day and i miss him when i dont see him. i plan on marrying him. i will have to blog about all the amazing things he does for me. like working overtime just to buy me groceries while i am on disability!!! and hes not even my "boyfriend." yeah, im gonna marry him. and have one more kid!! lol. he needs a boy.

as for the scumbag, i heard he looks awful and gained weight, aged, and looks depressed. GOOD. fuck him. i am the happy one, the blessed one, one at peace... he is in his dark cloud of misery and lies. Sad he could never be honest, and choose to do the right thing. ever. wait til he gets those bills. and projects his anger onto me. i just pray he leaves my baby alone. just stay out of our lives. and when my daughter asks him one day, why did you never want to see me? let him answer what a scumbag loser he is. and poor excuse for a man he is. maybe my friend/bf can just adopt her. whatever i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. as for now... i need to get this huge baby out! lol.

Updates

I have 20 min to post a quick blog. I have a dr appt. Very frustrating. The doctors all predicted last week the baby would come as did I , and everyone I know! She still isnt here! My boss told em I am not getting paid a dime until I have the baby. I had the Dr send a note saying they wanted me out of work but i need to call the disability people to make sure she actually took care of it.

I have great news about the asshole at work. I am copying and pasting this so you can read again who I am talking about.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.


Well... last week one of his clients called and long story short: he realized after comparing his bank statements to his account with us, good ol' "Mr. Overcompensater/Bragger" had been stealing the guys money! He told the client who is an old man who completely trusted him, "ill write the checks out for you" then also said "just make it out to cash" and went and cashed them all for himself. in 2 months alone he was up to $37,000 stolen. The other ones were more sporadic. Funny, he took hos girlfriend on 3 trips in the 2 months he stole the money. Plus had major duty work done to his house. He was fired and the investigation is still going on.He will lose his license if he didnt already, and if charges are filed and he is arrested, the charge is 25 years in prison. Doubt that will all happen but the best part is the client told me every thing. About how the company sent a limo to his house and the lawyers, compliance officers, managers, and the client went down to the fraud dept of the bank and proved him 100% guilty. isn't it amazing what these douchebags think they can get away with? stealing cheating lying being manipulative, using people, KILLING BABIES!!!!


The best part is that his dad called the office and when the girl told him he no longer worked there, he didnt believe her and thought she was stupid. This was a good week after he was fired. So she said ok sir, ill transfer you to our manager. HA HA HA! What goes around comes around douchebag. You know whats funny? He's the one who spread my personal life around the office and hes the one who became all buddy buddies with sperm donor and tried to play both sides. Sperm donors dad died about 3 weeks ago. He told the 2-faced asshole to tell me his dad died but he didnt. Instead he told another coworker, who told me. I felt so guilty for NOT saying anything and I was crying to my therapist for a good 40 minutes about it and she finally said listen if youre gonna feel this way, just text him something. So finally I did. No response. Who is the idiot now? Falling for his manipulation again. Thinking he has the power now because thats how he always was. Its all about being in control. God i fuckin hate him.  Now im worried he will be trying to use that against me.

His newest plan is not only trying to come back to the office to work while I am out on maternity leave but he is going to try and convince them (as he puffs up his feathers) to move me to the other office when I come back.  So he doesnt feel like driving an hour because its "too inconvenient" but its okay for me to drive an hour and a half and spend gas money i dont have and leave my newborn somewhere for 10 hours a day. thats okay! He is a scumbag! I am looking for a nanny job. Id much rather be a nanny and be with my baby than be in that hell hole. I dont miss it a t all. I just miss the pay check!


Anyway time for a shower and the doctor. Find out why this baby isn't here yet!!! the due date is actually Saturday so she is not late yet. But late for every one's predictions.

work SUCKS

Well its 4am and Im wide awake. I cant sleep these days. I wake up every night around the same times. You can always count on 4:30am that I will be awake. I cant get comfortale when I sleep either. Im always too hot, or I want to sleep on my stomach, but mostly I am filled with anxiety because someone at work has upset me to the point hwere I am either IN tears, or almost in tears! These fuckin assholes are the worst people to work with. They are all miserable, they talk tdown to me like I'm an idiot, even though I get their work done, and they are just generally disrespectful. The girl on maternity leave has the worst 3 guys to work for. They are the ones who give me problems! They arent even MY guys!

1. Bipolar guy:
One day he's buying me lunch, being nice, saying thank you etc. The next day he's talking down to me like I'm an idiot. Right now he's in "nice guy" mode.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

3 Dr. Gloom
This one is the most miserable human being I've ever met. His negative energy is stifling. If you have too long of a conversation with him, you either want to commit suicide, or you cant breathe because his negative energy almost chokes you. Like a weight on your chest. Everything he needs you to do is a fuckin emergency! He will stand over you with papers talking to you when you are on the phone WITH A CLIENT I MIGHT ADD, as if the paper in his hand is on fire! God forbid you dont drop everything to hear what he needs. Examples of his urgent requests: to send a check out in 3 days from the time he is asking, to call a client to access them online,  or to do personal stuff for him. NONE OF WHICH ARE A FRIGGIN EMERGENCY!
The thing that upsets me the most though is that when I get say "ok but this is not an emergency, you could have waited 2 minutes for me to finish the conversation I was on" he then tells me, and I QUOTE, "you dont do anything all day anyway!" THen in his serious conversations he likes to have with me he tells me how I shouldnt be surprised if they let poeple go and I'm one of the first because I am not licensed and.. I dont dop anything all day anyway. How the fuck does he know what I do? He shuts himself in his office talking on personal phonecalls all day crying about how horrible his home life is. And one of the poeple he most recently spoke to? the douchebag himself! And the 2 of them ripped me apart. This mother fucker actually accused me of keeping the baby to steal doucghebag's money! WHAT MONEY??? Douchebag has asked payroll to NOT take out his federal taxes and state taxes for the the last 7 or 8 paychecks! I guess he cant afford camp and a 2011 BMW convertible and a 2011 new SUV Acura after all can he?

I love how he told me over and over "I cant afford to help you with this child." yet he pays $20,000 for camp, and 1150/month on car payments alone. That doesn't count the insurance, the mortgage, the bills, the clothes for his kids, the $400 watch he buys himself to do his triathlons, etc. I remember one time he told me he was bad at managing money, but I didnt realize he was that bad. I can see why he is a nervous wreck praying to God this isnt his kid so he doesnt have to pay. Maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to show off with a new BMW you cant afford? If he is making around 100,000/year and is NOT paying federal taxes for 4 months, how much do you think he is going to owe at tax season? And where does he think this money is going to come from? But the best is, its all my fault right? Everything is all MY fault bc I didnt murder another child.

Speaking of, I am getting really nervous! I am 35 weeks pregnant now. Full term in only 2 weeks. I am still just so exhausted thinking about starting ALL OVER AGAIN. My baby shower is this Saturday. The best part of that will be that my 2 sisters will be there, my mom, and friends from high school. Also, my uncle is coming to see us all. I love him. Thank God I have family support. I'm nervous also because out 60 things on my registry, only 7 were bought. I need so many things and I have no money for them. I have to use half my savings on the lawyer. The only thing that keeps me strong and keeps me going is remembering how when I prayed about it 8 months ago as I cried to God, I remember seeing His hand touch my womb and feeling as if though He said He planned this and HE had created the baby and created her with a purpose. I now think one of the reasons was to get me away from someone who was using me and leading me on. Someone who was wasting my life away and I was missing out on meeting someone else whom I could be happy with, because I was too busy giving my heart to an undeserving cheater. Which is why I am giving the baby a middle name that means "free." She set me free from a lying, cheating coward.

I need to really figure out what I'm going to do about a job, who is going to watch my baby, or if I'll take another baby in... I have no idea. I have to have faith it will all work out. But I am certainly not going to put up with these assholes much longer. 3 more weeks of work and I'm fuckin out of that hell hole. AT LEAST for 3 months.

And Im still wide awake... Now Im going to be exhausted tomorrow. Awesome.

Its coming soon

Well, Im 33 weeks now and the baby has dropped a little. Due date is Oct 15th but im full term in 4 weeks. I really think the babys coming soon. I had a dream i went into labor Oct 6th and the baby was born Oct 7th. The first day of Yom Kippur. The day of atonement. the day of repentance for all sin. Ironic if she came that day huh? My heels hurt, my stomach is stretching and that ghurts, but no stretch marks thank God, my boobs are leaking, I had a yeast infection, i have constant hearetburn, and Im exhausted. Its a blast!! But the cool part is I can feel her move all over and now I can feel actual body parts. Like her but and her feet and her back. Her head and hands are down deep inside me. Everyone at work was commenting today aout how i got really big over the weekend and how the baby dropped. Everyone is predictong 3 to 4 weeks for delivery which is actually what I have been thinking for a couple months now. I just had a feeling about it. We shall see if everyone is right. I reorganized my entire apartmetn and I am getting a crib put in this weekend. Next weekend the 17th is my baby shower and I will have to find room for all of that as well. This weekend I will again need to organize. The cabinets this time.

I started selling Mary Kay and I sold so much I have gotten pins and rewards, free gifts, and tons of recognition. All the directors believe I will be extremely successful. I just need to have more energy though. Which I will get in a few months. I love doign it. Its really not easy but its much more rewarding doing that than what i do all day. Stare at the wall, send checks out, and answer the phon for the same DAMN PEOPLE!

I have to figure out what I'm gonna do work wise after the baby comes. Anyone wanna order a painting?? They are custom made for the customer.

http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.271970982816019#!/pages/Ray-Jay-Portraits/181652211894831

Anyway going to bed. Im exhausted!!!

been busy... and so tired

I have been so busy working and being exhausted with this pregnancy that i have not had any time to write or even read blogs. I finally thought of a name for the baby.  I prayed about it and asked God to help me. I had a feeling He answered back and let me know it would just hit me. I had a strong feeling about the first name that she was a Rachel. I LOVE the bible story about Rachel and Leah and how Jacob LOVED Rachel and worked 14 years on her fathers farm for her. I dont like how they competed with each other and their lives revolved around men. One man. Jacob. But I do love Rachel. And my baby feels like a Rachel. It means Peace of God. And the middle name that was stressing me out finally hit me. My mom's name. Frances. It means free!! And it means From France. If you know me at all you will know I love France, I want to move there, and I feel like I am from there. So that blew me away when I all of a sudden thought of it and decided to look it up. I suddenly felt peace and the wieght and worry of a name lifted off of me. Rachel Frances. Sounds like the 1930's or 40's too. Why i like it even MORE!

I posted this on my sister's fb wall about the name Rachel:



I was just reading the story of Rachel and Leah. omg how sad their lives were back then. it revolved around MEN! my favorite was when Rachel said to Jacob: GIVE ME A SON OR I WILL DIE! and he says, "AM I GOD?" That's actually amusing. the pathetic part is when Leah is like "oh! surely he will love me now! i gave him 4 sons!" So Rachel, who cant be outdone by her sister, gives him her servant to ha...ve more boys. And Leah does the same. I mean, how pathetic. their lives revolved around men! And they werent fulfilled unless their men loved them. Its about as pathetic as a wife who "supports" her husband when he cheated on her and was in love with another woman and never really loved her. How pathetic. Women need to focus on themselves and not men. (Thats what i am learning to do and I'm much better off.)

That last part was about the scumbag's PATHETIC wife who he DOES NOT love or respect! She has no respect for herself obviously. So what is she gonna do when the paternity test comes out positive? I dreampt of him last night that he was envious of me holding kissing and loving the baby. And he wanted to be a part of it but was still trapped in his "situation." Im sure thats how he will be. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Guaranteed he comes back like they all do. Who else did? The dominican and a guy from a year ago I went out with ONCE. They all come back. All of them. I dont know why they do, they just do.  I must be very different than other women i guess. I have finally learned from my friend Mike how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Now that I have seen this I will never be with an asshole again. And Dickface is an asshole. I would never want to be with him again. I hope he comes back and regrets everything and feels like a damn fool. And i'll remind him of all the horrible things he did to me and all the great things i did for him. I still think about all the fun things we did and all the times we kissed and stuff and how much i truly loved him. Then I think about what a pathetic coward he is and how horribly mean and selfish he was and how he said such hateful things about my baby and I say good riddens you scum.

Anyway I am 31 weeks now! In only 6 weeks I will be full term! Can you believe that? Well heres a picture of my belly. :)

Dreams

So the last 2 nights I had dreams about MM/DB. Two nights ago was a nightmare. I dreampt that he got majorly hurt 3 times. The first was a burn on his back, but it was his whole back and top of his butt. It was a serious burn though. Looking up what getting burned means:  indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are you feeling "burned out" or "burned up".I saw how bad his back was burned when he turned his back on me and walked away. And that means: To see a person turn their back on you, signifies that you will be deeply hurt. The second time I cant remember other than something happened to his butt again to misshape it. And the third time he and I were up really high on some kind of beam over a pool. He was  arguing with me and I was pleading with him to stop hating me and let me help him. But he kept running his mouth and saying words filled with anger and he was walkin backwards. I was trying to tell him to be careful that he was too close to the ege, but he wouldnt stop yelling at me to hear my warnings and he slipped and fell far down into a pool but he smacked the water on the pool and it misshaped his butt even more. He barely got out by the time I ran down to him. He was crying and I was hugging him. All I wanted to do was take care of him. But he refused me. He was too weak to speak and just cried but he managed to express somehow either by words or actions that he didnt want me around. I was not only heart broken but worried more than ever about him. This dream haunted me all day.


Mishsapes buttocks means: To dream that your buttocks are misshaped, suggest undeveloped or wounded aspects of your psyche. To fall: To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem.  The meaning of seeing him cry is very interesting:
To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

hmm... really? I am projecting my own feelings on him? Maybe. It would be regret and sadness that it turned out this way. Maybe I wish he would be upset ab US and not just his own life and his family. And that upsets me that he doesnt care about me the way I care about him. But how about the rest of the dream? Pretty damn accurate. I KNOW he is experiencing all those emotions.

Last nights dream was a dream where I was still in his life and he was nice to me. Well, I ean he let me back in after all this. I was at his house and he was telling me how unhappy he was and how bad his marriage had become but then I saw on the TV, his wife with his mother and sister all sitting at a Yankees game together having a great time laughing and smiling. He was supposed to join them. So I guess he decieved me again in that dream. Making me think he's doing so bad but really it was ok. Making me think his marriage was bad but really they were fine. Kind of like our whole relationship was. He made me think he would be with me but really had no intentions of ever leaving her. It was really sad. Maybe God is telling me: "he does not care about you the way you want him to. He is very angry, doesnt want your help, and is drowning in his own guilt and anguish. He has no inentions of leaving his wife so dont trust him."

I cant get over him. I cant stop loving him, and I cant stop worrying about him and caring about him. I know I probably shouldnt care about him but I do. If you ever read this blog when I talked about how I felt about him and saw the depth of love I had for him, you'd understand how I feel now. Now I wonder if it was all a waste. Well, maybe not. My baby girl will change my life and we never know what will happen in the future. Maybe he needed something like this to get him out of a miserable situation. Not saying he will be with me but he will be away from his miserable life and start a new one.  Maybe not. Maybe his wif will finally realize he is NOT HAPPY! DO SOMETHING!!! Anyway these are the things on my mind today. My baby kicks so much she wakes me up numerous times throughout the night and this morning at 6am. I dont mind though because I am constantly reminded how many women will do anything to get pregnant and still cant get pregnant. I am truly blessed and I am enjoying every minute of it! Plus, I am in love with the sweety.
Happy Independence Day!  I am so happy to be single and independant!!!

irony

Yesterday i heard from someone who is friends with the douchebag on facebook, that he recently made his status: can you believe weiner??" for those of you who do not know who that is, he held the NY seat for the House of Representatives. He was on some website posting pictures of himself nude, half nude, etc trying to hook up with woman, being married already.
First of all, DB has a lot of nerve posting that. i am surprised he didnt say something about arnold scwarzenegger! Who is DB to judge Weiner? Maybe you should focus on yourself you idiot!! And furthermore, doesn't he realize people know what he has done? reminds me of the bible verse "judge not, lest you be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you!!! matthew 7:12. Jesus said it. I honestly try to remember that because i am not perfect, who am i to throw stones? and honestly, sometimes i do it. we all do it. we all make mistakes. the reason it bothers me he was judging is because he is YET to take any responsibility for anything he's done. i mean he tells people whats going on with the story that he is a victim!! and his kids are innocent victims and how i am the evil one out to destroy his life. couldnt be further from the truth.
I would also like to point out that i feel bad for this weiner guy. he made a mistake and it was made public. he is obviously insecure and needed much reassurance from women. this is how i always get myself in trouble. i feel bad for all these men and all i want to do is help them, and make them feel good about themselves, and i end up getting hurt in the end. I try to look beyond the selfish stupid things people do and get past that to their soul and deep rooted emotions. Like DB. i made him so happy but as soon as my happiness had any importance to me, he started to try and destroy my life.
on a lighter note, i woke up yesterday and went to bed last night to feeling my baby kicking AND punching, both hands and both feet, like crazy! shes a nut! i guess shes happy! she does it all day and all night! i love her!!

ultrasound

I went to my ultrasound yesterday, and the baby could not be cuter! At the hospital they give you 3D pics! You can see everything. She was kicking around like crazy! Flipping and punching and turning etc. The ultrasound tech was laughing and said she had to be quick with pictures because the baby was so fast. She said "you better get some running shoes for this one when she comes out because she is fast!"  First thing that came to my mind: sperm donor is a runner. Runs miles every day and does triathlons. I said "good! maybe I have my little soccer player!"

Later in the day I remembered the dream I had. Her face pretty much looks like the dream. Then I compared the ultrasound picture to his picture and she pretty much looks just like him. 1. what a relief! she looks like him, which means it ain't the dominican's. and 2. I was right with my dream

She has this adorable little triangle shaped chin with a little notch in it. NOT MY CHIN! HIS chin to a tee! Also, her nose? NOT MINE. I showed the side by side to my daughter, grandma, and my sister. All of them said "oh my God, you're right! She is him!" My sister and grandma added "call the lawyer!" I said i will, i will.

And thats my news. Nothing else really going on. I'm just waiting for him to self-destruct and for his wife to get some self-worth and dump his sorry ass. She is pathetic. I mean, even more so than HIM! What a pathetic pair.

Oh! One more thing. When I posted the picture on facebook and the "born-agains" saw, they OF COURSE started asking questions! One lady sent me a video from  a service where the singer had a prophetic song from God saying in a nutshell, "it doesnt matter what you've done I still love and dont feel guilty because you've only just begun. I have a plan for you and love you no matter what" I responded with "i dont feel guilty but thanks for sharing. I only felt guilty when I was at your church thinking I was never perfect enough." FUCK THEM! Oh my GOD they are even more pathetic!!! They all live in fantasy land. Get over yourselves. Including douchebag sperm donor. Loser.

okay, hopefully something more exciting in my life will happen to blog about it. Feel free to email anytime. The ones who have, I have enjoyed very much talking to you. I am going to blog soon about what to do career wise. I need advice and direction and help. I know there is no way I can stay home with my baby for 3 months and go back to that HELL HOLE! I need to figure out how to either work from home, or teach preschool part time on a very LOW budget and work from home the rest of the time. I dont know. I will blog my ideas and questions another time. in the meantime, I will go stare at my baby's pictures some more and dream about eating that little chin of hers and smelling her new baby smell. I swear they should have air fresheners called "new baby smell" just like they have "new car smell"

20 1/2 weeks

I have a few things to share. Will post tomorrow.

my dream

This morning I woke up to a nightmare! I dreampt that I had a half black baby! And I realized it was alejandro's the dominican's! Then I started crying and saying "I ruined (D)'s life for a kid that's not even his!" And I also didn't want the baby. But I had to keep the baby because my daughter would be devastated if I didn't. I ran away crying and couldn't stop. I was saying "I can't go back to work! I can't let anyone see the baby!" It was awful. And my mom was there saying "I told you so" and I could not stop crying. Then I woke up.
Then I had to again remind myself, according to my due date, I would have gotten pregnant saturday jan 22nd. Not wed the 26th. And that saturday, douchebag came inside me. Along with all the other days we had sex. Except that wednesday. I THINK. I remember it was incredible and lasted a long time! And he even commented it was because he was meditating. Also, that sat and wed I begged him to fuck me. The ONLY time I ever beg him is when I am ovulating. I am out of control horny when I am ovulating! And esp that wed when I thought I did get pregnant which I probably and may have still gotten pregnant, I was so horny and I remember him just bangin me so hard I was sore later. I was most likely ovulating then too.
Therefore, I think I just have that shadow of a doubt in the back of my head like I did with that amnio. And everything was fine!!!

Someone came up to me at work yesterday and whispered, "are you making this douchebag pay for child support I hope?" I told him how I want him to have nothing to do with me or be in my life so I am seriously reconsidering. He replied with some advice similar to what I've been getting. To put all emotions aside, don't make a decision on those emotions and to put the best interest of the child first. The child needs and deserves to have their needs met. Reminds me of the blog readers' advice as well as my friends and family. I'm just really scared to go to court, I DON'T want him and his evilness around me or the baby, and I just want him out of my life forever. He still scares me!

On a brighter note, a woman who works in my building whom I walk in with every morning and ride the elevator with, asked me if I was pregnant. I guess I'm finally starting to show after 4 and a half months! In a week and half I'll be 5 months pregnant already! Yet only half way through. Seems like I'm moving along but I still have aaaall summer to get huge! Ugh!
Anyway thanks again for the comments. I wonder what ever happened to EG.

got my anticipated phone call

This morning as I was getting ready for my dreadful job, I had my phone sitting in the other room. I glanced at it as I walked by and noticed it was blinking. Its funny how we all get excited that we have a message on our phones but most of the time, its just some stupid junk email. But I check it anyway with hope that its something exciting. As I pushed the button, I saw "missed call" and looked at the number. The number to the hospital. Now I have been anticipating this call but to see it come up scared me. I blurted out "uh oh" and put the phone down. I stood there for a minute and debated in my head if I really was ready to hear the answer. I quickly succumbed to the curiosity and called the voicemail.
The nurse called, then the genetic counsellor. Both reported that the baby is absolutely perfect and completely healthy! Nothing wrong! Whew! What a relief! I was so excited I yelled out, "yes! Thank god!" I immediately sent everyone a text and called my daughter's grandma who is like my mother. She said she actually cried when I told her. Then I called back the genetic counselor to get confirmation its definitely a girl! There was still doubt in my head about that too! Lol. So I got it. Definitely, positively a girl! And definitely, positively healthy.
So now its time to start picking out girl stuff for my registry. As for the douchebag, I'm not even telling him he's having a girl. Or that his sperm created a girl, I should say. Screw the bastard. He's such a pathetic weasel! I really want him out of my life forever.
Hope everyones having a good day today!

big surprise

Went to the doctor today for the ultrasound and amnio test. The doctor said nothing at all in the ultrasound indicates down syndrome but because the bloodwork was so alarming they aren't sure. It was friggin painful! And the baby was just movin around like crazy!!! The ultrasound tech said the baby was extremely active! And cute! And guess what! Its a girl! I was completely shocked! I didn't even believe it. I'm not telling the psycho though. Fuck him.
So pray my baby is ok and ill give the results in a week when they are available. Time to register for my baby shower! Yay! Pink and yellow!

The baby pic!

How amazingly cute is this baby??? its 3 inches long and absolutely perfect. The Dr kept going on and on telling me how the baby couldn't be more perfect and how beautiful it is.  I have some more pictures but I didn't want to put them all up. His/her left arm was up by the head and the right hand was by the mouth. The baby kept moving and clenching its hands and kicking up a storm. I brought my daughter and she was so excited. She loved seeing a human life inside me. We could see the baby swallowing and the heart beating. It's just a precious and perfect little gift from God. I'm in love.

To hell with the phony selfish coward.  MM has been given a new name from me. Sperm Donor. He's not a father and hes not my anything anymore. Hes like a ghost at work. We pass each other in the hall and pretend the other isnt there. Like a ghost. Its so sad! I wonder if he is sad at all. He claims he loved me but he doesnt act like it. He is the most selfish person I've ever met

oops! Did i post his picture???

this one makes me sad because this pic sums up our relationship. I adored him. 

. Yesterday was sperm donor's birthday. I sent him a text "happy birthday" and he didnt respond. Read the comments from my last post to see the last thing he sent me. Then he takes his wifes card and his daughters cards and displays them on his desk at work like he has the perfect family. And his wifes card had all this stuff written in it like how she loves his snoring etc etc. What a joke. It really hurt a lot. Hes been in love with me and writes me books in cards but now you wanna pretend your "working on your relationship" i guess? And he ignores me and the baby. Well not only did I display in a frame, the picture of my baby, but i sent him to his phone,  the same picture i just posted of the baby. No response of course but he's not gonna ignore it. FUCK HIM! I SO WISH someone would just send his wife all the cards he wrote me and the blogs i wrote about details of our relationship! How he told me he wanted to be with me but he couldnt and how unhappy he is and how she would call him and hed be naked with me while he lies through his teeth about being at the gym! And how he told me how he wanted to have a trial separation from her. God, I hate him! I hate him for lying to her and to me and for loving me and fucking denying it! Talk about the ultimate rejection! I mean its one thing to dump me but to completely deny you ever truly loved me just really hurts.

Everyone at work knows now. EVERYONE knows I'm pregnant and with him! Gossip gossip gossip. People cant get enough of our real life soap opera. I couldnt care less who knows and what they think of me. He, on the other hand, does. And I dont think anyone has confronted him yet. My 2 friends who are actually friends told me people were talkin about me. It ruins the fun of telling people I'm pregnant. But they all put 2 and 2 together! He has been so horrible to me and turned us into enemies they figure it out in 2 seconds! "OOOH!!!! No WONDER you 2 were fighting so badly! THAT'S what was going on! It all makes complete sense now!" I mean, people aren't stupid.

Regardless of the drama, my baby is perfect and precious and a gift from God. I have gone through hell to protect it and give it life. I knew from day one it was special when I prayed and asked God about it. God made this baby with a purpose, a name, and love and joy to spread. People are in love with the baby and it's just a tiny thing still! The ultrasound pics made so many people cry! I'm excited. We all know this will be very tough but I can handle it. I'm in love with someone new. Baby "Noah"

Worst week of my life

I cant even tell you how miserable I am. This was one of the worst weeks of my life. Monday night, he dumps me. Tuesday night we talk, and he says "you pressured me! I'm not ready for a decision so since you forced me, i choose her."  "well, there was a reason I pressured you in the last couple weeks" "why? are you pregnant or something?" "yes" That led to screaming and crying and fighting. I was so physically ill form from the fight that I went to work Wed at 1:30 and was sick as could be until 4:30 when I snuck under my desk to lay down until 5:15 to go see his therapist like he asked me to. 5:30 was the worst night of my life. The entire session he was so angry. He was angry before walking in. He had his little list of ALL the reasons why he thinks I should abort. Along with the fact that he accused me of lying about it and using it as a manipulation tactic. First of all, why would I do that? How dare you! He kept saying "I wanna understand the chain of events. Why is it that you tell me the day after I break up with you that you are pregnant?" The therapist kept saying Does it really matter though? Why dont you ask her why she was so afraid to tell you. Maybe she had to protect herself and the baby. The therapist kept saying "I dont think abortion is open for discussion. I think she made her choice and you will just have to face the fact that she is pregnant." It just made him more and more angry. He was screaming like a lunatic! The therapist was even uncomfortable at the screaming. I started to scream back. Finally he said "Make no mistake. We are done! I will never be with you. Ever again!" At that point I just burst into tears, and was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I couldnt stop no matter what. I am over emotional now as it is, but to say that to me like that, was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. Like he hated me or something. And I did nothing to him! I asked him to be with me or break up with me. So fine, break up with me. But there was no reason to do it like that. I cried for at least ten minutes in the session until I screamed at him "you are a fucking asshole! youre nothing but a coward and a loser and you'll never have enough guts to do anything you want to do with your life! you make me sick! I wish I never met you because youve don nothing but ruin my life!" Then I eventually left the two hours session in tears and went out to cry in my car for a little while longer (20 min) until I finally drove home.

As I sat in the car, I played my Christian music because I was in desperation and needed to reach out to God. He was there for me when I had my daughter and I know He's there now. I cried out to Him that I was sorry for doing everything I've been doing, I'm sorry I had an abortion, for sleeping with a married man, etc. I told him how much I needed Him because I just wanted to die. I heard Him answer me before I was done and He said "I'm here with you. I'll help you through this" Then all I could think of was how much he just HATED me and how he will continue to hate me the rest of my life. And I heard God or whoever answer "You dont know how he'll be in October" I remembered how I have had a month to freak out and be depressed and he had just one day. I felt what he felt for 4 weeks. It gets less shocking with each day. I also couldnt believe it. I pretended it wasnt real for the first 3-4 weeks!

I called out sick Thursday, and laid on my couch all day. I was so sick, so stressed, so depressed. All I kept hearing in my head over and over was "Make no mistake! We are done! etc" He eventually emailed me telling me how awful he felt about how upset I was and how he was so sorry and how he only gets that angry towards the people he loves the most and he didnt realize how much he loved me etc etc bullshit bullshit. I didnt respond. I had nothing to say to him. Thats not how you show love. If he loved me, he'd be with me. End of story. I still couldnt face him Friday and I was still very sick. I called out sick again. he emailed me over and over a over about the same bullshit. I responded and told him how much he hurt me and how he made a huge mistake and how all I could hear was what he said. It didnt matter what he said after. What mattered was how he responded to the crisis situation.  All he wanted was validation of his feelings. What about mine??? For all these years? You never ONCE validated mine! Not once!

Yesterday, he sent me a text saying his bbm was no longer bc his phone broke and he has an iphone. I told him I had sent him 2 emails and to read them. He barely responded to that text and never responded to my emails. I was so sick all day and night yesterday. I threw up last night. I FORCED myself to go to the store to get food which I had none of. I cried in the store, i cried on the way home, I cried last night. The first email I had sent him was about asking his help to find me a new job. He is the president of his networking group so I asked him to reach out to all of the presidents and ask if anyone in their groups are hiring. The second one I told him I have never been so devastated in my life. Told him how I sleep and cry and lay on the couch day and night and how I am very sick and how I actually got in trouble at work for calling out so much the last few weeks. No response.

Today, I ate a healthy breakfast with fruit, wheat, flaxseed, omega3, etc. I felt much better.  I also went to church. I was happy to be there. I enjoyed teaching about prayer to the kids. I sent the asshole a text and said "why is it that when you email and bbm me you want a response but when i do, you fucking ignore me? Its always ALL about YOU!" I absolutely hate him! I was willing to accept him with all his issues, baggage, moodiness, etc. But I was never enough. I will never be enough. And when he comes back, and mark my words, he will come back... it will be too late. And he will live in regret the rest of his life. And cry. And be depressed. And maybe I will yell in his face when he comes back "Make no mistake! you will NEVER be with me!" See how he feels.

I am so heartbroken though. I have an ultrasound wed afternoon and I am debating making a photocopy to show him to prove it to him that I am pregnant. I really really wish I never had to see him again. I am dreading going to work and having to look at him or speak to him. He hurt me more than anyone could know. I try to say things to myself like "thank god I am not in Japan. It could be worse!" but it doesnt make the pain in my heart go away. But in retrospect, I could have lost my family and home and all my belongings in an earthquake and tsunami and I could be starving. So this too shall pass...

my 100th post

this should be a good post then...
I wish I had more to say.  I have one more day without him and then I see him Friday at work. I miss him. But I'm fine without him. I spoke to the Dr's office today. Pregnancy numbers are perfect. Have an ultrasound scheduled for March 16, and more blood next week. I pretty much came to the conclusion after much heartache and mental battling that I cannot kill it. I just cant do it. I will have to suffer the consequences of having a baby. The more I thought about it the more I realized that he would be there for me. He will be there to help. He wont let me suffer alone. Just as he doesnt let me suffer heartache alone. He is always right there with me feeling what I feel, dealing with what I am dealing with, and being there as much as he can.  And it's not our fault. He didnt cum inside me! I am clearly extremely fertile.

Another thing I was thinking. When he and my daughters grandma convinced me to have an abortion, their reasons were the "inconvenience" it would cause, and how it would destroy lives. Well, I had my daughter as a senior in high school and what would you tell a HS student with her whole future ahead of her? Get rid of this baby, its a huge inconvenience, and it will destroy your life and future and strain everyone else's lives around you. Well, they couldnt have been more wrong. She has brought joy to so many people! Adults, kids her age, kids younger, older, my family, her fathers family, she saved mine and her fathers lives. We would have both commited suicide by now if it hadnt have been for her. And imagine the pain and devastation that would've caused on our families. She has been invited to vacations all over the country with families who just love her so much. They tell me how she is polite and kind and amusing and a joy. So dont you DARE tell me my little baby who didnt ask to be born would ruin lives, cause pain and suffering, and we'd all be better without him/her. And I say that to anyone who tries to tell me to kill another baby. Family, nurses, MM himself, anyone.  I cant hold the guilt of repercussions on HIS family for my choice. I can only think about my own family. And I will not be ruining lives. Ruining a life is what my dad did to my brother. Beat the shit out of him mentally emotionally and physically day in and day out until he finally had a nervous breakdown and ended up an alcoholic in a mental hospital! THAT is ruining a life. This baby will complicate things and change the course of destiny we all had planned for everyone, but ruin lives? no. Who doesnt look at a cute baby smiling at you and doesnt feel happy inside?

As for my whore "friend,"  she stopped to me and deleted me on fb and bbm. Like I am the one who did something wrong!! I couldnt believe her! That right there admits her guilt. What a loser. She was 46 sleeping with a 22 year old. Who is cheating on her friend with her. Good job. You are awesome. Here is a picture JUST FOR YOU...

What a twist in my soap opera huh? I thought I was moving on, then I end up pregnant, then I find out the new loser was cheating with my friend. Wow. Couldnt predict that...