another letter from the lawyer

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No mercy

So heres the latest. I spoke to my lawyer regarding the nasty letter HIS lawyer sent mine. Apparently this scumbag is telling his lawyer and I'm sure everyone else for that matter, "the baby's not mine. She was sleeping around with multiple men at the same time and the last one wasn't mine either"

I cant even express how upset and disgusted I was. I have NO COMPASSION ANYMORE! NONE! I felt sorry for his pathetic ass? Now I couldn't care less. Wait til the paternity test is done and his wages are garnished. I hope nothing happens to him other than reaping 100 fold everything he's sown. I hope he continues to self-destruct. I have NO MERCY anymore!! Let his stupid pathetic wife who pathetically believes his lies and clearly has no idea what a liar, manipulator, and weasel he is, go be with him. One is more pathetic than the other!!

On a brighter note, you can go to my art facebook page and check out my art I am selling and "like" it if you like it. Its Ray Jay Portraits. Named after the baby: Rachel Jadon. I also am officially a Mary Kay consultant after using the product for myself and falling in love with it. I LOVE IT! My face feels amazing, the other women are so positive, and uplifting and encouraging.  I love the atmosphere when I am with them. I hope I can plow through enough to make good money from it.

So thats about it. Baby is healthy and strong and kicks and punches constantly. :) The princess doesn't like if my bladder has anything in it so she punches it until I empty it.

Thank you to the last anonymous reader who gave me good advice on protecting myself. I will do those things but I am not posting the comment so no one can see what it is you suggested. (for my own protection)  

He makes me sick to my stomach

How do you write and say and do such wonderful things to someone you are in love with and turn around and side with your wife, and hate me and turn other people on me to hate me as well? I dont get it. His lawyer he got after my lawyer sent him the letter, is the fucking brother of the fat bitch who tried to get me fired at work! His new little girlfriend. His wife is so stupid too. I want to send her the letters and cards he wrote me and the jewelry he sent me and say "you must be the stupidest person. Do you really believe his lies? You think I just pinned a pregnancy on him? Do you not know that he made me have an abortion last year? And that he told me he wanted a trial separation from you to be with me? And that he feels trapped with you??? Why dont read the stuff he wrote me before you judge me and side with that pathetic lying cheater you have for a husband??? You are pathetic!"  I cant even tell you how much I despise them both. And these other losers who want to hate me when they don't know me either.

And all this time i have said how i feel bad for him and worry about him? He not only went to Vegas for a long weekend, but got a new BMW? Seriously??? UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please GOD let his evil ways come back on him! Please God, bring life to your words when you said "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!"  Let him get burned with his own fire and be my shield. Protect me when he tries to throw his evil daggers at me for greater is He that is in me than that weasel that's in the world!

He honestly scares me. He is filled with so much evil, rage, and hatred towards me, I have never felt hated by anyone before in my life. I was depressed all day because of it. I was nervous, couldnt sleep, and preoccupied all day. I hate him so much. And tomorrow I have to go back into the hell hole which i DESPISE for another brutal miserable week with all  the fucking assholes who think they are more important than anyone else! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Dreams

So the last 2 nights I had dreams about MM/DB. Two nights ago was a nightmare. I dreampt that he got majorly hurt 3 times. The first was a burn on his back, but it was his whole back and top of his butt. It was a serious burn though. Looking up what getting burned means:  indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are you feeling "burned out" or "burned up".I saw how bad his back was burned when he turned his back on me and walked away. And that means: To see a person turn their back on you, signifies that you will be deeply hurt. The second time I cant remember other than something happened to his butt again to misshape it. And the third time he and I were up really high on some kind of beam over a pool. He was  arguing with me and I was pleading with him to stop hating me and let me help him. But he kept running his mouth and saying words filled with anger and he was walkin backwards. I was trying to tell him to be careful that he was too close to the ege, but he wouldnt stop yelling at me to hear my warnings and he slipped and fell far down into a pool but he smacked the water on the pool and it misshaped his butt even more. He barely got out by the time I ran down to him. He was crying and I was hugging him. All I wanted to do was take care of him. But he refused me. He was too weak to speak and just cried but he managed to express somehow either by words or actions that he didnt want me around. I was not only heart broken but worried more than ever about him. This dream haunted me all day.


Mishsapes buttocks means: To dream that your buttocks are misshaped, suggest undeveloped or wounded aspects of your psyche. To fall: To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem.  The meaning of seeing him cry is very interesting:
To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

hmm... really? I am projecting my own feelings on him? Maybe. It would be regret and sadness that it turned out this way. Maybe I wish he would be upset ab US and not just his own life and his family. And that upsets me that he doesnt care about me the way I care about him. But how about the rest of the dream? Pretty damn accurate. I KNOW he is experiencing all those emotions.

Last nights dream was a dream where I was still in his life and he was nice to me. Well, I ean he let me back in after all this. I was at his house and he was telling me how unhappy he was and how bad his marriage had become but then I saw on the TV, his wife with his mother and sister all sitting at a Yankees game together having a great time laughing and smiling. He was supposed to join them. So I guess he decieved me again in that dream. Making me think he's doing so bad but really it was ok. Making me think his marriage was bad but really they were fine. Kind of like our whole relationship was. He made me think he would be with me but really had no intentions of ever leaving her. It was really sad. Maybe God is telling me: "he does not care about you the way you want him to. He is very angry, doesnt want your help, and is drowning in his own guilt and anguish. He has no inentions of leaving his wife so dont trust him."

I cant get over him. I cant stop loving him, and I cant stop worrying about him and caring about him. I know I probably shouldnt care about him but I do. If you ever read this blog when I talked about how I felt about him and saw the depth of love I had for him, you'd understand how I feel now. Now I wonder if it was all a waste. Well, maybe not. My baby girl will change my life and we never know what will happen in the future. Maybe he needed something like this to get him out of a miserable situation. Not saying he will be with me but he will be away from his miserable life and start a new one.  Maybe not. Maybe his wif will finally realize he is NOT HAPPY! DO SOMETHING!!! Anyway these are the things on my mind today. My baby kicks so much she wakes me up numerous times throughout the night and this morning at 6am. I dont mind though because I am constantly reminded how many women will do anything to get pregnant and still cant get pregnant. I am truly blessed and I am enjoying every minute of it! Plus, I am in love with the sweety.
Happy Independence Day!  I am so happy to be single and independant!!!

the letter has been sent

i haven't had time to sit and write, but basically last week this bitch client of his who is his friend, who had called me at work in march to tell me i am ruining his life and how i should get a abortion, wrote me and him an email basically trying to accuse me to doing things i did not do, and trying to sabotage me at work and get me fired. so i went to management and explained who she was and how she had ulterior motives. i had had enough of his games!!! i finally called the lawyer. and he sent him a letter that i know he is probably freeeaking out about. i was so sick last night and today with anxiety from it. i just feel so bad about everything even though i know this is his own fault and he made it a war, i still feel bad and worry about him like crazy. here is the letter:

dear mr. douchebag,

please be advised that i represent c. my client has informed me that she is expecting a baby this fall and that you are the father. please call me to make arrangements for you to pay your share of her medical expenses not covered by insurance and for you to pay child support. if i do not hear from you by July 15th, 2011, i will seek the appropriate assistance from the court and i will request that the court require you to pay my client's attorneys fees. if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. thank you for your cooperation.

very truly yours, the ruthless lawyer.

he has to be freaking out and furious at me!!!!

His emails from March

I actually cried when I read these because it made me think of how he used to love me. Or so I believed.  These are the emails we exchanged right after I told him I was pregnant and he screamed at me in the therapists office. It's so sad!!! Wh he has turned all of this not only into anger, but continues to deny his involvement as well as torment me still, is beyond me. He will never win. He tried to get me in trouble at work again. I will post that story in my next post. First, read these emails from him back in March.

March 11, 2011
From the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry about how the end of Wednesday's therapy session ended. As usual, my emotions about you got the best of me, and my anger came out more out of my own fears and feelings than anything else. I also realized, and of course I show it in the most fucked-up way possible, just how strongly I feel about you. And it scares the living hell out of me. Why I show my anger like that to the ones I care about the most is something I'm constantly struggling with and trying to work on, and I am truly sorry for how certain comments came out of my mouth. What I've also realized is just how much of a coward I really am, and how I don't even have a tenth of the strength that I thought I had. I'm sorry.


As incredibly angry as I acted in Dan's room the other night, the fact of the matter is that my feelings for you have not changed one bit. The reason I acted like a "lunatic", as you LOVE to call me (and probably very accurate) is that I am SO conflicted and SO confused and feeling SO tortured about my feelings towards you. You may think I'm a liar, or that I've somehow been "faking" my feelings for the past two and a half years to get what "I" want, but nothing could be farther from the truth. My feelings run so far and so deep, it is truly scary to me. Make no mistake about that. I have never been shown a love to me that was so deep as the one you have shown and given to me. If I have acted as though I take it for granted, I am sorry, because as I sit here writing this to you, I realize more than ever about the depth of the love you have shown, and I realize just how deep MY feelings have developed for you. I just want you to know this.

I'd like to write more to you later if you'd allow me. I gotta go for the time being.


March 14, 2011

All I've been doing the last two days is to beat myself up senselessly, and I sat in my office yesterday in an absolute complete daze. I'm sure I'll do the same today.


(from me)
All I keep hearing over and over in my head is "make no mistake! We

are done! Forever. I will never be with you"

That's enough for me to hear. You said it like three times. I have

never in my life been hurt so badly like that. Especially because I

have done nothing but love you with everything I had to give. But

that's what you want. So that's it then. We're done. There's really

nothing else to say at this point.



It's not a question of what I "want". Like I said, I fully recognize the depth of the love you have shown me, and, although you'll always compare your depth of love to mine, I have given you a depth of love that, as I view it from afar right now, is as deep as I have been able to have. But you have to know that how I said what I said in Dan's room the other night came out of the utter and complete torture that I feel every second of every day about my feelings for you, and how the torture in my own being has become too great, as well as the continued recognition of just how unhappy I am in my own life, and how fucking stupid and crazy I am to push away the one person who has done everything she possibly could to make me happy. I'm just a fucking completely pathetic excuse for a human being right now, and an incredibly cowardly person who is in a lot more turmoil than he cares to admit. I am not even half the man I thought I was. Just fucking pathetic. And all I do is think about you night and day. You can tell me all you want about "out of sight, out of mind", but, I'm honestly telling you that that simply is not the case. I carry around my feelings about you every second of every day. Make no mistake about it. And, as much as you have tried to make ME happy since we've known each other, I have, sometimes in admittedly very fucked-up ways, tried to do the same in return.

you do know that I've been tossing and turning every single night since last Tuesday, right? you do know that I'm not this cold-hearted person, and that i'm a person who is feeling as sick to his stomach as a person can feel in this circumstance, right? I can only imagine that it's probably only a tenth of the sickness that YOU have been feeling about it all, but please stop labeling me as just this cold-hearted person who could give two shits about you, your body, your life. it's just utter bullshit to throw those lines at me. you do realize that I have an itsy bitsy, teeny tiny right to feel upset and angry at the way you hid this from me, as much as you say you were waiting for the "right" time to tell me, and that you were trying to protect me, right? as fearful and upset as YOU are, I am just as equally upset. you need to know this. and alot of my thoughts and feelings, although coming out as anger in your mind, are really just alot of angst and fear on my part, fear of the unknown. to say to me "don't worry about it", to tell me that all i am is selfish, to say to me that all i care about is myself, is just simply not true. when you told me last tuesday night, my first gut reaction was to go right to the logic side of my brain, the practical side (maybe it's the financial advisor side of me, i'm not too sure), to say that, here you are, a brave woman who is constantly struggling to make ends meet, a woman who should be trying to make her life as easy as possible on herself, a person who needs to UNCOMPLICATE her life as much as possible, not complicate it more. i just don't get why you would want to add to your struggles. again, this is my left brain logical and practical side that comes out. i just want you to know all this. and i am not minimizing the absolute horror you felt about all this the first time around. I experienced first hand just how INCREDIBLY conflicted you were. My memories of that time period are just as vivid today as they were then.

And as much as you don't understand how i chose not to be with you, i equally don't understand why YOU are making YOUR choices. MY choice was really mostly out of putting an end to the sheer and utter TORTURE that you and I were putting ourselves through. and my anger in the session last Wednesday was more of a clear break of that absolute torture we were putting ourselves through than anything else. I wasn't angry at you, and I'm sorry that I may have made you feel that way. i mean, to see you shake and cry uncontrollably just ripped through to my heart. you have no idea. i just sat there silently, purposely not reacting, of course after my 3 or 4 second emotional outburst, because the level of my emotions were just too much for me to bear, I just couldn't think of any other way other than to sit there in silence. if you know me by now, you know that in moments of incredible stress, like it was in Dan's room that night, that my mind and mouth just completely shut down and grow silent. you are the exact opposite. your emotions were almost literally spilling out into that room. if you don't think that my heart was feeling as ripped apart as yours that night, you are crazy. I felt EVERY tear and EVERY shake of your body that night.

irony

Yesterday i heard from someone who is friends with the douchebag on facebook, that he recently made his status: can you believe weiner??" for those of you who do not know who that is, he held the NY seat for the House of Representatives. He was on some website posting pictures of himself nude, half nude, etc trying to hook up with woman, being married already.
First of all, DB has a lot of nerve posting that. i am surprised he didnt say something about arnold scwarzenegger! Who is DB to judge Weiner? Maybe you should focus on yourself you idiot!! And furthermore, doesn't he realize people know what he has done? reminds me of the bible verse "judge not, lest you be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you!!! matthew 7:12. Jesus said it. I honestly try to remember that because i am not perfect, who am i to throw stones? and honestly, sometimes i do it. we all do it. we all make mistakes. the reason it bothers me he was judging is because he is YET to take any responsibility for anything he's done. i mean he tells people whats going on with the story that he is a victim!! and his kids are innocent victims and how i am the evil one out to destroy his life. couldnt be further from the truth.
I would also like to point out that i feel bad for this weiner guy. he made a mistake and it was made public. he is obviously insecure and needed much reassurance from women. this is how i always get myself in trouble. i feel bad for all these men and all i want to do is help them, and make them feel good about themselves, and i end up getting hurt in the end. I try to look beyond the selfish stupid things people do and get past that to their soul and deep rooted emotions. Like DB. i made him so happy but as soon as my happiness had any importance to me, he started to try and destroy my life.
on a lighter note, i woke up yesterday and went to bed last night to feeling my baby kicking AND punching, both hands and both feet, like crazy! shes a nut! i guess shes happy! she does it all day and all night! i love her!!

confession

Even though the psycho never ceases to hurt me or do something evil, i still miss the old him. the nice him. The one who smiled at me with love in his eyes. the one who made me laugh every single day. the one who let me go in his office and vent about the bitches i work with. The one who would tell me every day how I drove him crazy, or how i would be the death of him. Ha! Those words ring true i guess since everything is MY fault. I miss the way he kissed me and the way he would hug me with all his emotions. I miss the way he would get frustrated with me and laugh in surrender.  I miss how he would buy me lunch every day. We would get in a raging fight and an hour later he was buying me lunch. I miss his hands and his feet and his smell. I miss the man i thought he was. I miss the man I pretended he was. Or thought he could be. I miss the fantasy of him i had. Now, even though I have his child inside me, I feel nothing. No connection. I don't feel a part of him at all. Shes all mine. She is God's mine, and my daughter's sister. She is a gift and a blessing and as far as I'm concerned she is nothing like him. She is my baby and I love her. I just wish he could have been half the man I pretended he was. It hurts badly.

ultrasound

I went to my ultrasound yesterday, and the baby could not be cuter! At the hospital they give you 3D pics! You can see everything. She was kicking around like crazy! Flipping and punching and turning etc. The ultrasound tech was laughing and said she had to be quick with pictures because the baby was so fast. She said "you better get some running shoes for this one when she comes out because she is fast!"  First thing that came to my mind: sperm donor is a runner. Runs miles every day and does triathlons. I said "good! maybe I have my little soccer player!"

Later in the day I remembered the dream I had. Her face pretty much looks like the dream. Then I compared the ultrasound picture to his picture and she pretty much looks just like him. 1. what a relief! she looks like him, which means it ain't the dominican's. and 2. I was right with my dream

She has this adorable little triangle shaped chin with a little notch in it. NOT MY CHIN! HIS chin to a tee! Also, her nose? NOT MINE. I showed the side by side to my daughter, grandma, and my sister. All of them said "oh my God, you're right! She is him!" My sister and grandma added "call the lawyer!" I said i will, i will.

And thats my news. Nothing else really going on. I'm just waiting for him to self-destruct and for his wife to get some self-worth and dump his sorry ass. She is pathetic. I mean, even more so than HIM! What a pathetic pair.

Oh! One more thing. When I posted the picture on facebook and the "born-agains" saw, they OF COURSE started asking questions! One lady sent me a video from  a service where the singer had a prophetic song from God saying in a nutshell, "it doesnt matter what you've done I still love and dont feel guilty because you've only just begun. I have a plan for you and love you no matter what" I responded with "i dont feel guilty but thanks for sharing. I only felt guilty when I was at your church thinking I was never perfect enough." FUCK THEM! Oh my GOD they are even more pathetic!!! They all live in fantasy land. Get over yourselves. Including douchebag sperm donor. Loser.

okay, hopefully something more exciting in my life will happen to blog about it. Feel free to email anytime. The ones who have, I have enjoyed very much talking to you. I am going to blog soon about what to do career wise. I need advice and direction and help. I know there is no way I can stay home with my baby for 3 months and go back to that HELL HOLE! I need to figure out how to either work from home, or teach preschool part time on a very LOW budget and work from home the rest of the time. I dont know. I will blog my ideas and questions another time. in the meantime, I will go stare at my baby's pictures some more and dream about eating that little chin of hers and smelling her new baby smell. I swear they should have air fresheners called "new baby smell" just like they have "new car smell"

he never stops

I am so disgusted with sperm donor that I don't even have the energy to blog about him. My therapist called me to tell me he called her yelling at her that she told me he was looking for a new therapist and I told my friend mike who told his therapist who then called the idiot! I don't like his therapist. He tells things that in my opinion, should not be repeated. He was trying yet again to manipulate another situation. have her say something to me like she can't be my therapist I dunno. But she said "he's self destructing and no matter how much he tries to destroy you and your relationships, stay strong! Don't let him get in between me and you, or you and anyone else that matters t you"

Remember when I blogged that he had called my daughters grandma who is like my mother to try and manipulate her to get me to have an abortion? To save HIS ass? He's crazy! He still is YET to admit to his own faults. If he can't manipulate me directly, he goes to my connections and my relationships. So desperate and so pathetic. I wonder if he sees the baby how he will feel. I pray it will calm him the fuck down and he will realize how stupid he's been. One can only hope and pray.

So I posted the picture I posted here on facebook. I have over 40 comments and 20 likes so far. Everyone was shocked and very nice. Some of the people asked the dreaded questions I don't want to answer like "I didn't know you were dated anyone. Who's is it?" My answer: a man. My sister answered back for me: it was an immaculate conception. The saddest comment I got was this: Congrats didn't realize you were in a relationship Hopefully he is a good man and will give you a great life.
Ha! Couldn't be more further from the truth! It was sad though because it made me think how horrible he's been to me. Oh well. I still have peace about my baby and I love her no matter what.

Anyway thanks for the comments. My daughter took that picture. I think I'll blow it up and frame it for her and my baby. Too bad I only have 3 pictures of me and him together. And Rafa- everytime you comment, I respond and you don't respond. Boo! Go back to the comments!

Can't think of anything else at the moment other than one last gripe that I can't comment on anyones blogs from my phone and when I can comment its anonymous. Ridiculous.

20 1/2 weeks

I have a few things to share. Will post tomorrow.

is it true?

So i was on facebook last night and the guy i went to Vegas with instant messaged me with this "is it true?" i said "is what true?" (as if i didn't know)  "ur preggars?" i said "Yes, how the hell did you hear that?" "well i did a painting job at someone from your company's house and he told me."  "what town?" "$(^$(* $*^$(*^ area" "interesting. how did it come up?" "i saw his Opco badge and asked him if he worked there. he said, yes, do you know people there? i told him you and (douchebag) and he proceeded to tell me the gossip." "how much do you know?" "the baby has down syndrome possibly and that you had an abortion a year ago, etc" "what the fuck??? i told like 2 people about the bloodwork and for the record the baby is perfectly healthy! what the fuck is wring with people?" "i dunno but that's good to hear.  and Congratulations!" "thanks. so did this person also tell you how he harassed me so badly to get an abortion and when i refused he went psycho and they actually had to move him to another location?" "yes he told me all that." "interesting how this person knows every friggin detail of my life and couldnt wait to just blab it around" "well congratulations anyway!" "thanks!"


okay well... first of all, i asked all the assistants at work today who lives in that area. there are only 2 that we know of. one is our boss and would NEVER say that stuff. the other is an old gossiper who does nothing all day but walk around and chit chat with reluctant people who want to actually TRY AND WORK! So I'm sure its this guy. Second of all, I don't understand who has the audacity to tell random people our business! I mean, it's one thing to tell the juicy gossip of me being pregnant, but in my opinion it's another thing to cross that line and tell some random person about my bloodwork and the abortion etc!!! and how the fuck did he even know about the bloodwork? I told maybe 2 people that! Which means the people I thought were my friend are not. People just can't keep their big mouths shut! I have never seen gossip spread like this wildfire before. They may as well go public on the fuckin news with it! Does it make them happy to spread that? I can guarantee they never stop for a second and say to themselves, gee if someone did this to me how would i feel? Do I hate them that much to share their personal business to everyone and anyone without any thought about how it could hurt them or their families?

I cannot WAIT to get out of that job! I fuckin hate those people.  I bought a series 7 study guide, dvd, online classes, etc to help me study while i sit and stare at the wall.  I will use them to get my license and once December hits, I'm lookin for a new job. I'll work there for the last month after I come back, and I'm out of there. They can all gossip about someone else! Fuckin assholes. And as for sperm donor... he should be thankful he's in another location! I feel bad for him, but unfortunately he has been so horrendous to me, especially by trying to get me in trouble at work on top of everything, that I just have no compassion left for him anymore. Maybe a smidge... but it's all gone. All I can remember is the mean things he said to me, the blaming me, the time at the therapist when he yelled at "you will never be with me ever again!" It still rings in my ears. And that was when he thought he could still convince me of an abortion. That was the meanest thing he's ever said to me since knowing him. I just read some of his cards earlier. He said in one of them, that his tough exterior is just a cover-up for his true feelings. I'm sure that his hatred for me is a cover-up for his pain. I wonder if he still cares at all. I know he cares about his kids and how he has hurt them but I wonder how he feels about me.  Or how he will feel when my little baby is born. HIS baby. I wonder if he came and apologized and all that, and kissed me how I would feel. Would there be nothing left? Or would I still have an ounce of love and compassion for him?

Oh well. It'll never happen and I have to stop thinking about him. We're over. So sad. I'm sad. But its time to focus on studying the next 2 months and get it over with so I can move on.  And blogger won't let me comment on anyone's page without being anonymous. Just like Rafa had a hard time with. I wrote a long comment on a few blogs and each time i tried to post them, it deleted them! So I said fuck it. I'm done commenting!  Have a great weekend everyone!

my day

So here's a little breakdown of what I did today. (Thus far)
9am-arrive at work with terrible burning in my eye that I woke up with
I was in so much pain. I had a cold compress and eye drops but it didn't help at all.
9-11am-slept at my desk.
11-typed a letter that took all of 5 minutes.
1120-left for a dentist appt. Cleaning.
1240-returned to work and heated up lunch.
1-230-sent out one check. I can't really recall what I did here in this hour and a half other than made some popcorn, went to the bathroom, made tea, and went on facebook.
230-3 made my flyers and contact info and such for a craft fair I am participating in on sunday to sell my artwork.
330- argued with my daughter about nonsense.
335- I am writing this.
Such a fulfilling job isn't it? The place is a joke. No one else is working either. Maybe they do more than me... But since the psycho left, I have no work to do.

Did I mention the dream I had about the baby? If so, I guess I'm telling it again. About a week ago, I felt the baby kick with what was clearly her feet. Right foot. Then right left right. They were kinda hard kicks! Very exciting though. I have been able to feel her move like crazy. So that night I went to sleep and woke up at 430am when I usually do. I sleep on my stomach and woke up to feeling her move. I fell back to sleep and woke up to this dream I had that was so real I almost cried when I awoke. I dreampt my skin was transparent and I could see through right to my baby. I saw her little feet and legs as she kicked me. I also saw her tumbling around. Then she turned face up towards me. I saw her whole face! Head covered in dark hair and blue eyes. She looked up at me, recognized me, and her whole face lit up as she smiled at me and kicked her little feet. I almost cried in my dream as I smiled back and said hi! Then I immediately woke up and literally almost cried. She was beautiful. And she looked JUST LIKE HIM, but prettier, cuter, and a hell of a lot sweeter. I know women usually have these kinds of dreams later on in pregnancy, like 7 months and on, so this was pretty early. Now of course I got anxious to see what she really looks like! I was born with a full head of black hair, and my daughter was, so I'm sure she will too.

Yesterday a guy at work told me that he knows that someone called the sperm donor's wife and told her what was going on. Hopefully this person told her the actual truth. This guy that told me, knew the whole friggin story! The abortion, the miscarriage, etc. Which means if he spoke to someone who called most likely they knew it too. Hopefully... I hope she hears the truth. Not his pathetic lie. As far as I know though, they are still together and fine. And she "couldn't be more supportive!" I am curious however, to see how long she can stay with him through this until she can't handle it anymore. Hopefully she'll hear the truth. That he was in love with someone else and has been for over 2 years! Its one thing to forgive and move on with a one night affair. But not a 2 1/2 year girlfriend he loved on the side. Please. I don't even give a shit anymore anyway. He made his choices. He will suffer his own consequences and he lost me too. He makes me sick.

He tried to get me in trouble at work a week ago too! I sent his asst an email frustrated that he hasn't bothered to tell his clients I no longer work for him or that he moved locations! So the asswipe decides to forward it to my boss and say how "unprofessional it was" and how he wants her to "speak to me" about it. Go fuck yourself! She spoke to me and said don't use caps as to not upset him. Nice try you pathetic weasel.

One last thing to mention. My purse dialed him on memorial day. I noticed a half an hour later and sent him the following text: my purse dialed you by mistake. Don't worry I have absolutely no desire to speak with you.
He responds with "right" an hour later. Then because I didn't respond, he sends it again a half an hour later! "Right" I knew he was looking for a response so I gave him none. Had I responded, it would've been: "go fuck yourself you pathetic loser douchebag!!!" But I knew it would bother him if I said nothing. This way he would believe me when I say I have no desire to speak to you!!!

Welp, its now 415, and I have 45 minutes left to stare at the wall. Hopefully you all will have something interesting to respond. Ugh... Time for another nap.

venting

So the girl who sits next to me was out yesterday and today. Not one person came over to say hi to me. And the reason that bothers me is because when she is here, 3 or 4 girls come over to talk to her, and include me to be polite but I mostly try to mind my business. Especially since any time she's not here, no one speaks to me. I know it shouldn't bother me, because they are all mostly younger than me and they aren't the type of people I would go out of my way to hang out with either but it still bothers me.

Another thing that really pisses me off and hurts my feelings is that the asshole doesn't speak to me. After everything I've done for him. He thinks I ruined his life, but its not my fault he reacted the way he did. And I did a LOT of things for him! Meanwhile he goes about his business and his days as if I was never a part of his life. As if I never existed. It really upsets me. It hurts a lot. He completely abandoned me and pushed me out of his life. Out of sight, out of mind.
Granted, my life is so much less stressful without him, and that's the best thing for the baby, but its still hurtful how he can treat me like that.

I am currently looking for a part-time job working with event planners so I can do it for myself full-time. I want to have my own business and my other businesses within that business. I could make so much money. And make my own hours. It actually excites me, which is great considering how depressed I am at this place. And about a lot of things in my life. I have a plan but I just need the confidence to go out and do it.

Speaking of confidence I finally realized that I am not "normal." Never was, and probably never will be. I was always independent and intelligent as a child, and never fit in. I was an advocate of equal rights since I was 2! If I was hungry, I didn't ask for food, I went to the garbage can, because I saw food being dropped in there. Other times I would just go for the things left out. I knew it was food, I could get myself, and I didn't need anyone! My brother was a year younger than me, and when my family tried to make me get off the bottle, hell no! If my brother had a bottle, I had a bottle. Same thing with diapers. I wasn't havin any underwear! If he has a diaper, I have one. This carried on until I was in high school. Everyone had a clique. There were at least ten cliques in my grade. I refused to be part of one because I refused to portray I was better than anyone else in any way by conforming to a "group." No matter what, I couldn't do it. And where did that leave me? Lonely. Home on the weekends alone while everyone else was out with their cliques. I still can't do it now. Even at work. My mom always gave me good advice. If you want friends, let people talk about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves. I tried it. Made me unhappy and unfulfilled to find "friends" who were self absorbed. All those friends I made that way, guess where the are now!!! As soon as I let the real me out, they didn't like me! I wasn't there for them at their beck and call serving them unconditionally, and I started to live my own life. A life that they didn't like. Dating a married man, drinking,dancing. They all abandoned me. I can understand someone having a problem with me dating a married man, but I can accept it. I would accept all my friends if they did drugs, were gay, slept around etc. I wouldn't want them doing drugs around me, but I wouldn't abandon them because of it. Its just so hurtful that people can't accept one another.

I just feel so unfulfilled and lonely. That's why I wish the readers were close to me and could actually be my friends. To go to lunch with or to even come see the baby! But I have come to the conclusion, as I said, that I am not normal. I never will be. And its ok. I just have to find some things I like.

I saw this painter last weekend who was amazing. You should actually google him: david garibaldi. I spoke to him after his show and he totally inspired me. He shared is story about following his passions in life. Art and helping people. Now he makes thousands and thousands of dollars painting and helping people raise money at charity events and fundraisers. It inspired me to follow my heart and follow my dreams. And I'll tell ya, none of them point to this hell hole I go to every day. I don't know what's worse. Going to a job where you hate the work you do, or having no work and staring at the wall. Yesterday I did my bills and filed them all for about 2 hours. Today I brought the bills I had at home so I can file them with the others. It BLOWS. At least I have my phone with internet access so I can post this blog.

Anyway feel free to share things about yourself on my comments. It doesn't always have to be all about me...

my dream

This morning I woke up to a nightmare! I dreampt that I had a half black baby! And I realized it was alejandro's the dominican's! Then I started crying and saying "I ruined (D)'s life for a kid that's not even his!" And I also didn't want the baby. But I had to keep the baby because my daughter would be devastated if I didn't. I ran away crying and couldn't stop. I was saying "I can't go back to work! I can't let anyone see the baby!" It was awful. And my mom was there saying "I told you so" and I could not stop crying. Then I woke up.
Then I had to again remind myself, according to my due date, I would have gotten pregnant saturday jan 22nd. Not wed the 26th. And that saturday, douchebag came inside me. Along with all the other days we had sex. Except that wednesday. I THINK. I remember it was incredible and lasted a long time! And he even commented it was because he was meditating. Also, that sat and wed I begged him to fuck me. The ONLY time I ever beg him is when I am ovulating. I am out of control horny when I am ovulating! And esp that wed when I thought I did get pregnant which I probably and may have still gotten pregnant, I was so horny and I remember him just bangin me so hard I was sore later. I was most likely ovulating then too.
Therefore, I think I just have that shadow of a doubt in the back of my head like I did with that amnio. And everything was fine!!!

Someone came up to me at work yesterday and whispered, "are you making this douchebag pay for child support I hope?" I told him how I want him to have nothing to do with me or be in my life so I am seriously reconsidering. He replied with some advice similar to what I've been getting. To put all emotions aside, don't make a decision on those emotions and to put the best interest of the child first. The child needs and deserves to have their needs met. Reminds me of the blog readers' advice as well as my friends and family. I'm just really scared to go to court, I DON'T want him and his evilness around me or the baby, and I just want him out of my life forever. He still scares me!

On a brighter note, a woman who works in my building whom I walk in with every morning and ride the elevator with, asked me if I was pregnant. I guess I'm finally starting to show after 4 and a half months! In a week and half I'll be 5 months pregnant already! Yet only half way through. Seems like I'm moving along but I still have aaaall summer to get huge! Ugh!
Anyway thanks again for the comments. I wonder what ever happened to EG.