THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ONE

After over a year of no communication, I finally had to face him at court about a month ago. We only went to see the mediator. My boyfriend came with me. I really need to blog about him... i will in another post.

As I sat in the hallway with my lawyer on my right, and the bf on the left, I was a nervous wreck. Neither his lawyer or he had arrived. My lawyer kept asking me "is that him?" Each time I looked over my heart raced as it was not him. Finally, the elevator door opened and time stopped. He came out of the elevator as if nothing had happened this past year. He was wearing his typical blue shirt and a tie I have never seen. As you all know I was pretty engulfed in his life and knew every detail of his body, his smell, the little hair that stuck straight out from his eye brow that I would beg him to let me pluck. So naturally I knew every tie he had and especially every pair of pants that hugged his ass the way I loved.

He was carrying a briefcase for God knows why.. he didn't bother to bring his tax return or pay stubs! All the anxiety I was flooded with seemed to dissipate when we made eye contact. It was as if we were right back to where we left off over a year ago before he started hating me. I thought to myself "I was afraid of HIM?" He had this obnoxious smirk on his face as if he was thinking "wait til you see what cards are in my hand" Please. The bottom line is, I need help financially, you are the father, end of story. You need to pay what you are legally supposed to pay. I have said it numerous times, I am not looking to bankrupt him, cause misery or destruction upon him, or seek revenge. All I want is for him to do is take responsibility and WANT to help. Ok so obviously we know he is selfish and that's a far cry but thats my desire. My daughter is amazing and I am dreading the day she asks "why doesn't my daddy want anything to do with me?"

So back and forth we go in the room with the mediator. First the lawyers. My lawyer brings out "joint custody" papers. At first I was disappointed and scared. Then as I thought about it, I was happy. Happy that he wanted to be in her life so she doesn't have to face that rejection. As the hours passed I realized it was just a ploy to pay less child support. Then I wanted to cry. Not only have you abandoned me, harassed me, tried to get me fired, and completely denied your child, but now you are using my daughter as an angle for your selfish gain? you bastard! Back and forth we went in to the office attempting to "negotiate." He of course said he made less than what he did so being the merciful empathetic person I am, I agreed to take a percentage of the figure he felt comfortable giving. You know he STILL wasn't happy with that? He wanted to pay much less. A little over half of what he really should be paying based on his income. Okay, so he is in sales. Commissions are never steady. This year probably wont be as much as last year. And I was willing to work with that! But he still couldnt agree. I said "forget it then... I'll see you in court." I thought to myself, he just screwed himself because when the judge hears what he has done, he will have NO MERCY.

Since then no contact. No money. No good faith check or money. Nothing. Nothing since Last March.
Until yesterday. Hmm... court is June 7th and all of a sudden I get 2 phone calls. I responded to his voice mail with a text: if this is about the child you want nothing to do with, you need to speak to your lawyer not me. I called my lawyer. He told me to NOT speak to him and if he calls again, he would call his lawyer and to tell my HR person. I responded with "ok but I really don't want to be enemies with him" and my lawyer seemed pretty annoyed. He begrudgingly said "I cant force you to not call him, but I can legally advise you to not call him back," followed by a quick goodbye.

His text messages consisted of phrases like "I want to do what is fair for R" and "I would like to see R as soon as possible" and "I am sending you a good faith check next week."  oh so now you refer to her by her name instead of "IT?" I wanted to say that so badly. I wanted to say A LOT of things! The last thing he said was "Its taken me A LOT of time and A LOT of therapy to get over the shock of this. I meant everything I said." SO now I dont know what to do. Everyone has their opinion. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment and pain, but I also dont want to continue to be enemies. If he really wants to see her, he will love her I'm sure, and I dont want to be enemies with someone I will have to face for the next 22 years. And longer if he chooses to be a part time dad to her.

Now my head is spinning. What is the deal with his pathertic wife who stays with him? He told the mediator they were on the fritz, but that could be a lie. Most things he has said are lies. What happens if old emotions stir up? On either of our ends. My boyfriend is planning on moving in with me to help me with my bills in a few weeks! How will this visiting Rachel shit work out? I cant trust the jackass. He is not an honest person. I want what is best for Rachel which I do believe is parents who get along. THAT is better than more money. And how will he react to my boyfriend living with me? The biggest fear I have is that he will try to take Rachel from me. Or that he will manipulate me by being "nice" and using it for his gain to get what he wants to be a vengeful spiteful bastard. He does still scare me. I dont know what to do. I will continue to pray about it. I have prayed with my daughter for him many times. MANY times. Even cried as I felt his pain asking God to change his heart. So either his heart really is softening, or its another tactic because court is coming up. Either way, he has the right to see his daughter. He has thrown me for a loop. This sucks.