Still hurt

The past year...

Not sure anyone is even reading this anymore but I need to write on here because I really dont have anyone to talk to about my true feelings. I am SO hurt by this asshole. over the past year, he has done nothing but ignore me, fight me in court about paying, and hurt me more than anyone. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him EXCEPT kill another baby. Every email I sent him, he of course forwarded to his lawyer. And his friend was spying on me printing out pictures of me and the baby and my new bf from facebook. He ended up paying my lawyer fee, paying me back for daycare, and paying me back for dr bills. A total of around $10,000. He came to meet the baby one time a week before her first birthday. He thought he was being generous I guess by giving me a check for her for $300 for her birthday. Then I havent heard a single word from him. When he left he wasnt sure if he was gonna see her again or if that was it. Told me he needed time to process it all.

What exactly am I missing?

Last night I was thinking about it and about him and I was sad. I missed him. I dont know why. I know its over and when he came to see her we talked and I felt like I had closure and he said he was happy for me that i was happy but I still fucking miss him!! I do love my boyfriend. And since I saw him last and had that closure (I thought it was closure) I feel like I was set free to be really happy with my boyfriend. But something happened to make me miss him. I sent him a text and he never responded. Then today I decided to snoop in his email. I knew I'd get upset if i did it by what I would see but I did it anyway. Sure enough, he had forwarded every single one of my emails to his lawyer. He cant be trusted at all.  I love how he said before he left "I'm not a bad person" yet he gives me no money.
I had told him that my bf was gonna adopt her when she was 2 and I guess that meant he is off the hook. Even though that's a year away. I'm afraid that when his daughters find out and want to know her he will change his mind and want to know her. And will have screwed me out of that money all this time. Then again I did read his emails from his lawyer's office. He owes them $14,000. He incurred interest charges for not paying anything yet. He obviously has no money.

Karma...

I believe in karma. I told him off in an email and the last words I wrote were: good luck with your karma.
2 weeks later he was in a bad biking accident. he fell off his mountain bike going around a curb, landed on his shoulder, slid under a moving car but didnt get hit. tore his rotater cuff and dislocated his shoulder. ha ha good. you deserve a lot worse.
He doesnt even support his child!!! He is a jewish white broker living in an upscale snotty town. the unemployed ghetto baby daddy's do more than he does. but he is a goo dperson right? yeah.. no.

Something interesting...

When i saw him he wasnt wearing his wedding ring. i asked him how that was going and he said "if I'm not wearing a wedding ring, how do you think its going?" apparently he wasnt wearing it for months.

I want to post on the livingston patch online newspaper pictures of my daughter and something about how she is his and he refuses to pay child support. something like that. But I feel like God will take care of it. I dont want to reap that karma.

Anyway here is a picture of this beauty. She has done 4 modelling jobs and is appearing tonight on the Bio channel on a show called "My little Terror."

Her Halloween/birthday outfit: Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ONE

After over a year of no communication, I finally had to face him at court about a month ago. We only went to see the mediator. My boyfriend came with me. I really need to blog about him... i will in another post.

As I sat in the hallway with my lawyer on my right, and the bf on the left, I was a nervous wreck. Neither his lawyer or he had arrived. My lawyer kept asking me "is that him?" Each time I looked over my heart raced as it was not him. Finally, the elevator door opened and time stopped. He came out of the elevator as if nothing had happened this past year. He was wearing his typical blue shirt and a tie I have never seen. As you all know I was pretty engulfed in his life and knew every detail of his body, his smell, the little hair that stuck straight out from his eye brow that I would beg him to let me pluck. So naturally I knew every tie he had and especially every pair of pants that hugged his ass the way I loved.

He was carrying a briefcase for God knows why.. he didn't bother to bring his tax return or pay stubs! All the anxiety I was flooded with seemed to dissipate when we made eye contact. It was as if we were right back to where we left off over a year ago before he started hating me. I thought to myself "I was afraid of HIM?" He had this obnoxious smirk on his face as if he was thinking "wait til you see what cards are in my hand" Please. The bottom line is, I need help financially, you are the father, end of story. You need to pay what you are legally supposed to pay. I have said it numerous times, I am not looking to bankrupt him, cause misery or destruction upon him, or seek revenge. All I want is for him to do is take responsibility and WANT to help. Ok so obviously we know he is selfish and that's a far cry but thats my desire. My daughter is amazing and I am dreading the day she asks "why doesn't my daddy want anything to do with me?"

So back and forth we go in the room with the mediator. First the lawyers. My lawyer brings out "joint custody" papers. At first I was disappointed and scared. Then as I thought about it, I was happy. Happy that he wanted to be in her life so she doesn't have to face that rejection. As the hours passed I realized it was just a ploy to pay less child support. Then I wanted to cry. Not only have you abandoned me, harassed me, tried to get me fired, and completely denied your child, but now you are using my daughter as an angle for your selfish gain? you bastard! Back and forth we went in to the office attempting to "negotiate." He of course said he made less than what he did so being the merciful empathetic person I am, I agreed to take a percentage of the figure he felt comfortable giving. You know he STILL wasn't happy with that? He wanted to pay much less. A little over half of what he really should be paying based on his income. Okay, so he is in sales. Commissions are never steady. This year probably wont be as much as last year. And I was willing to work with that! But he still couldnt agree. I said "forget it then... I'll see you in court." I thought to myself, he just screwed himself because when the judge hears what he has done, he will have NO MERCY.

Since then no contact. No money. No good faith check or money. Nothing. Nothing since Last March.
Until yesterday. Hmm... court is June 7th and all of a sudden I get 2 phone calls. I responded to his voice mail with a text: if this is about the child you want nothing to do with, you need to speak to your lawyer not me. I called my lawyer. He told me to NOT speak to him and if he calls again, he would call his lawyer and to tell my HR person. I responded with "ok but I really don't want to be enemies with him" and my lawyer seemed pretty annoyed. He begrudgingly said "I cant force you to not call him, but I can legally advise you to not call him back," followed by a quick goodbye.

His text messages consisted of phrases like "I want to do what is fair for R" and "I would like to see R as soon as possible" and "I am sending you a good faith check next week."  oh so now you refer to her by her name instead of "IT?" I wanted to say that so badly. I wanted to say A LOT of things! The last thing he said was "Its taken me A LOT of time and A LOT of therapy to get over the shock of this. I meant everything I said." SO now I dont know what to do. Everyone has their opinion. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment and pain, but I also dont want to continue to be enemies. If he really wants to see her, he will love her I'm sure, and I dont want to be enemies with someone I will have to face for the next 22 years. And longer if he chooses to be a part time dad to her.

Now my head is spinning. What is the deal with his pathertic wife who stays with him? He told the mediator they were on the fritz, but that could be a lie. Most things he has said are lies. What happens if old emotions stir up? On either of our ends. My boyfriend is planning on moving in with me to help me with my bills in a few weeks! How will this visiting Rachel shit work out? I cant trust the jackass. He is not an honest person. I want what is best for Rachel which I do believe is parents who get along. THAT is better than more money. And how will he react to my boyfriend living with me? The biggest fear I have is that he will try to take Rachel from me. Or that he will manipulate me by being "nice" and using it for his gain to get what he wants to be a vengeful spiteful bastard. He does still scare me. I dont know what to do. I will continue to pray about it. I have prayed with my daughter for him many times. MANY times. Even cried as I felt his pain asking God to change his heart. So either his heart really is softening, or its another tactic because court is coming up. Either way, he has the right to see his daughter. He has thrown me for a loop. This sucks.   

Last Year's Valentine's Day

So here is the update. Paternity test=99.9% douchebag IS the biological father. oh guess what, he owes 4 months child support. my lawyer told him he can either start paying now or pay a VERY LARGE sum when we go to court. I wouldnt be surprised if he demands a paternity test with the dominican guy since he is in complete denial. People at work are constantly asking me if he has tried to contact me, given me any money, seen the baby or even pictures of her, etc. NOPE NOPE NOPE and NOPE.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My Valentine Card

The last things MM said to me as he said goodbye for a week was: "When you miss me, reread my card! i meant every word I said. I love you"

So I am going to write the card so you can get a glimpse of how he feels about me. You all know how I feel about him...

"Ok. Where do I start? You having entered my life two and a half years ago has changed it in oh so many ways. First off, you have made me stop and view the world in ways I never knew existed. You've made me have a kinder, gentler heart when I would normally have a colder heart with less feeling. You've made me realize that theres a much bigger world out there than the one I probably thought mostly revolved around me. Youve taught me about giving to others, and made me realize just how selfish I could be. You've also allowed me to realize the importance of spirituality, and how there is a greater power that that guides our thoughts and actions. I NEVER would have tapped into these things without you.  I'm sorry that I dont say this enough, but you have changed my life in so many special ways, and you need to always remember that.  You've created bright, vibrant colors to my life, where before there was a dark and dullness. You just have no idea how much you've opened my mind and eyes to see and experience things I never knew existed before I met you.
Most important of all, though, is that I have NEVER had someone who has loved me and cared for me the way you have. And there are so many times when I tell myself that I dont deserve to have someone like you that cares so deeply for me the way you do. You have no idea how special you make me feel, how loved you make me feel.  You have shown me a depth of LOVE that just simply and absolutely blows me away. (drew a heart here)  Honestly, I'd be lucky if i give you back a tenth of the love that you give to me.  You need to know from the bottom of my heart, that I try to give you everything I can possibly give. And, I've said, you've pulled things out of me, and have touched me in places that i never knew existed. You have no idea how special and incredible that has made me feel. I can only hope that I have done the same for you.
You will always hold a special place in my heart. ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU (AND WILL ALWAYS)"
(and signed his name)

the only part i dont like is the last part "you will always hold a special place in my heart" it sounds as if he will never be with me but will always remember and love me. But when I mentioned that he'll never be with me he corrected me and told me about the separation. It would be so nice to be with him. With all his baggage and the mess of a life we have made for ourselves... I'd rather have that with someone I am in love with, than someone with no baggage who I dont love.



read my post from last year's Valentine's Day and it made me cry. How could he hate me after this by the birth of the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world?

paternity test

I took the paternity with the baby last Friday. He agreed to pay for it on the grounds that if it was proven she is not his, I will pay him back. I agreed to do that because i am certain she is his. He is not only paying for the test, but for the guy to come to me and him. so stupid. whatever.


we will know by this friday. well, i already know. it will just be confirmed. then he will have to pay a hell of a lo of moey. for anyone who is reading this that has been reading for a while should know how i felt about him. and how much i loved the idiot. it really broke my heart how e reacted. i completely understand his point of view though. i know he is the one who is devastated here. he has to pay money he cant afford, had to tell his widfe, eventually his family and friends and daughters will find out. and i know everyone reminds me how horrible he as to me but as usual i put his feelings before mine. i hate to see him suffering. and everyone tells me hes not suffering and to NOT feel sorry for him but how do you stop worrying or caring about someone you were so in love with? i mean its not like i want to make him happy anymore. i just dont want him to suffer. and live in his own hell paying for his mistakes. i hope he can find a way to get through this and his stupid wife if she wants to support him, helps him get through it.

i wonder if he will want to be involved in her life. i think so. eventually. i also wonder how long his wife will stay with him. i hope she does actually. but i am definitely afraid of them trying to take custody of my baby. that scares me. that thought just reminded me why i friggin hated him. and how stupid i am to feel sorry for him! i wouldnt put anyhting past him. he doesnt care about me or think about me and yet again here i am like acomplete moron worrying about his stupid ass! STOP!!!!!!!! JUST STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM! how can I amke myself STOP feeling fucking bad for him???

anyway i start work tomorrow. i have to go back to the hell hole. im praying i find a nanny job soon so i can be with my baby. at least for the next year or two. it will all work out the way its supposed to. i would love to post a picture of my beautiful baby but shes way too gorgeous. now im paranoid someone would try to steal her.

2012 will be a much better year. douchebag will be forced to help me financially, i plan on moving in with the bf who remember was my best friend and has been there for me this whole time, and i hope to get a new job. i can finally be happy. imagine that. unless the asshole continues to try and make me "pay" for his misery and HIS mistakes.

ill post when the paternity test results come back.