confession. and a thank u to complicated kitten

I have to confess something. Almost daily I have to ask myself, "how much do I love him? Enough to put up with this? Should I move on? Should I see someone else? How much patience do I have? Should I wait? Do I reeeally want him?" I think about it probably every day. And I have doubts. He'll never be with me. But maybe he will! But what if he eventually bores me? What if he doesn't satisfy me? What if I get sick? Will he pray for me? No. Can I be with someone like that? What if I was sick? Would he take care of me? Yes. But does he love me enough? I don't think so. A man moves mountains to be with the one he loves. He truly loves the one he knows he's meant to be with. He doesn't do this for me. He loves me a lot. But not enough. Yet. Is it yet? Wil he? Would he act on his love if I left him? I have no clue. Would he still love me with all my problems? Probably. Would we fight a lot? Probably. And if I could be with him, how long would it last? Would he always stimulate me? Intellectually? Emotionally? Sexually?

Would he satisfy my desires? I can picture him enjoying all the things I want to do. We would have so much fun exploring life... Like other countries, ideas, restaurants, simple things in life, trying new things sexually.

I think about all these things. And good news. Thanks to complicated kittens amazingly hot blog "spanked fucked and satisfied" I had something to send him to read. I've been telling him, I like this! I want you to be like this! But I had a story to show him now. And my god, he delivers when challenged. I think my favorite part about our sex today was when he straddled me, held my hands down, ordered me to suck his hard cock and if he felt my teeth, I'd be punished. :) holy shit! So excited that I was punished. Got spanked for it! And I was dripping wet. And he made me beg for him to fuck me. I loooved it. And the best part is, its all done in love. Its still making love, no matter how kinky or d/s it is.

Later on, after he had cum the first time... I showed him some more blogs that turn me on. He read some out loud as I happily sucked him and jerked him off. It turned me on to do that for him while he was enjoying other stories. Wanna know how much I love him? I thought about that he may have even been picturing being with the girls he was reading about and I didn't even care! It turned me on to fulfill his fantasies! Never in my life have I ever loved anyone that much. I know he loves porn, and I would do that for him if he was watchin it! I don't feel threatened because I know how he feels about me. I can't believe my love is actually that strong for him.

So my worries questions and doubts about if I'd be satisfied sexually? Definitely. He rises to any challenge, fulfills my desires, and is open to anything. Not only because he enjoys it, but I think its because he really loves me. He likes to make me happy.

Any challenge I give him, he accepts and passes. I think my patience will bring me a reward in him. I think. But then I doubt. All I know right now is he truly makes me happy, even though its painful. Still not sure where this will go. I do know he does everything he can to satisfy me. In every sense. Sometimes I act like a spoiled brat, and he knows me. He is patient and kind and always knows how to make me happy. No one can sit there and tell me he doesn't love me!! So please don't try.

february 14, 2014

I just don't feel comfortable blogging now. If I say somethng bad I get ripped apart, if I say something good, he gets ripped apart... I feel so lonely now. I was lonely before but blogging made me feel comforted. Now I feel just as bad. Actually worse.

I have a good story but I'd like to just share a quick part. Last night I stayed after work talking to him. I told him were getting married feb 14, 2014. I let him choose fri 2014 or sat 2015. He played along. He picked 2014 and I asked where are you taking me for our honemoon? Tahiti or france? He said tahiti. Bora bora actually and looked up places online. This is where I wanna go: http://www.pearlresorts.com/tikehaupearlbeachresort/bungalows.php?bungid=b5

He said I thought u didn't want to ever get married! And I said that changed now. You mean when you met me? He asked. Yes! I know what its like to want to be with one person and be satisfied and never want anyone else! And then he put his papers in front of his face as he cried.

taking chances

Wow. Now you're all fighting? Honestly, I don't know if I even want to write anymore after this. I started this blog to find comfort and support.  To be able to freely blog about my relationship.  I am completely open and honest with everything I feel and say. And it has turned into an advice column and bashing the one I love. I love him! I am not ready to move on! I said I will not wait forever. I'm not stupid and pathetic. I am hopeful and a dreamer. And sometimes you do get your dreams.  If youre patient enough to wait. And sometimes you don't.  My personality is to take chances.  I take them.

It seems EG is the only one on here who understands and doesn't judge my "man." And I spoke to my therapist friday. If you havent read earlier blogs, she knows both him and me. She gave me great advice. She said "youre not ready to move on so dont try to date otehr people, because it will make things worse. Focus on yourself. Taking care of yourself. examples, finally getting surgery I need, excercising, studying for my series 7 to make more money and choose what i want to do in this industry.  And then when you are strong and more confident and you are ready to make him make a choice you will either have him, or if you don't, it wont crush you because you will be strong. "

None of you know him.  I wish  he would comment but he wont.  He doesnt want to have to defend himself. But if you knew him like I do, and knew his thoughts, you'd have a little more compassion. So for right now, please let me sort through this without attacking me, him, or my other readers!

But also, I do appreciate that you all are concerned. it shows goodness and compassion in all your hearts.

who am i to say

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
& who am I to say you need me
& who am I to say you love me

true reality

So I believe I said something about my feelings being like a rock that couldnt be swayed? uh, not quite.

Last night I sent him a few bbm's. He read them and never responded.  Only because he couldnt, not because he chose not to. But it really upset me because that was like what? four hours? and then after being upset about that, i send him a last bbm, and his phone was shut off! I HATE when he does that (which he rarely does for the reason that it bothers me!) because the FIRST thing he sees in the morning is some nasty message I left him because I was pissed.

So sure enough, the first thing I heard from him this morning was "you werent really serious were you ?" which is his way of saying "how dare you even say that" and long story short, we were annoyed at each other all day and had our roller coaster of emotions. Mad, not mad, laughing, ignoring, back and forth back and forth. He said "love you too" a couple times.  I caught it! It was his subtle way of making a big statement with a little comment. I'm not going into it now but its a big deal.  I catch all those little things he does and says because its his way of communicating.

But today ended pretty badly. I was completely annoyed at him at the end of the day. He was laughing which is good, becaus ei need that.  But I just walked away. And then I made a stupid move. I went back to my desk to intercom him in his office because I had one las tthing I wanted to tell him.  I cant even for the life of me remember what it was. And he says "hold on a sec" And what was he doing??? listening to his voicemail. and what did I have to fuckin hear??? "Hi hon, it's 4:15...."

"GOODBYE!" I slammed the phone down and stormed out as I cried my eyes out. My stomach was turning!  All I kept thinking to myself was "how stupid am I? THIS is fuckin reality! Maybe those bloggers are right and I'm wrong. Why should I have to be in so much pain while he tries to decide what to do??"

I cried almost the whole way home as I ran through his schedule for the next month thinking of how LITTLE time he has for me and how he has no room for me in his life! This weekend hes away, next week he has meetings and his daughters basketball, I'm getting surgery on Feb 8th, and he cant see me either the weekend before or after, which IS Valentines Day.  But thats a joke anyway because he doesnt celebrate it. And his kids are off school so thats out.

WHEN IS THERE TIME FOR ME??? I DON'T FIT IN HIS FUCKIN LIFE! I cant sit around doing nothing either. I will not!  I refuse to! I have PLENTY of guys who hit on me constantly! I think I'll think about going out with some of them. It makes me SICK. I don't want to!  I want him and only him! It makes me sick to even think of another guy touching me. I feel like they are intruding. Even if another guy talks about me, or tries to get to know me, or tries to make me laugh, i feel like "I'm not yours! I don't belong to you! don't touch me! you have no right!" because I am his. but the reality is... hes not mine. and it LITERALLY MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH!

my little smitten kitten...

Ouch! Some of those comments hurt! But since it IS my blog I don't have to defend him or me, and I don't have to explain. But I appreciate that you all genuinely care and want to see me happy as I do for you all as well. Its hard to stand on the sideline and watch someone get hurt and not say anything. I know.

Today I got two bbm's from the muffin man who is a smitten kitten these days!

Muffin Man: Have I told u lately that I <3 you???
Muffin Man: And that Saturday night was as great of a night as I've had in a LONG time????

I know he's crazy about me, you can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, sense it from his actions. Its like he's in the first stage of falling in love. The really happy one? Its so cute and sweet. I just wanna know what he plans on doing with it!!!


Muffin Man: You're so cute when you do that !!!!!(y). (thumbs up) Makes me want to kiss you ALL over!!!:* :* :* )(kiss faces)

This text immediately brought me to my memory of my dad! I posted it on my f-ed up thought. I feel like I have so many people out there, blog readers, friends, family, all who are against me and him, but our feelings are like these rocks. Doesn't matter what people say. It doesn't go away. If he wants to be with me he will. Its not an overnight process. Love is patient! And kind. Its not demanding or self seeking. Love bares all things, believes all things, hopes for all things and endures all things! I love him. I'm sorry.

And until he commits to me, I keep my options open. He may miss out. I do deserve a full time lover and boyfriend. I won't wait forever. That you can count on.

fantasy becomes reality

Ok so first of all, as soon as I got into his car last night, I felt this surge of peace and happiness come over me from head to toe. He was so handsome and his mood was so peaceful and relaxed. It was almost surreal to me that I was actually going somewhere fun with him! And the way he is such a good driver turns me on.

I'll be honest, it felt like a first date for some reason. Probably because it was the first time we really went out like that in a while.

So we got there and it was pretty much exactly what I wanted. We got to sit on a couch, cuddle, and talk. We talked for hours. I remember saying something about how I am looking forward to getting married one day so I can pass the bills over, because I am horrible at managing money. And his response was "I'm not that good at it either" so I said "so does that mean you're planning on marrying me?" "I think about it" you what? I asked him to elaborate. He said something like he thinks about being with me.

I'm sure he's going to read this so I don't want to say too much. I'll embarrass myself and him! But he talked for a long time about how he feels, stuff about his wife, his struggles with her, his hostory with her, with wanting to be with me. It was so sad and my heart went out to him as he told me how unhappy and unfulfilled he really is. I remember him saying something like how he could try to work things out but she is who she is and shell never change and she just doesn't do anything for him. I think the saddest thing he said was something like how he looks at other men's wives and thinks to himself how there's something special about them and not his wife? Something to that effect. Broke my heart to hear that.

At one point I said to myself, wow. This is really real now. Its not a fantasy. This is a serious relationship. Not that I didn't know it was before, but for the married one to come out and say all he's thinking and feeling instead of keeping quiet where you never reeeally know what his intensions are, its no question of reality. And I tell him how I want to be with him but after hearing what he said and felt last night, I had to say to myself "am I SURE I really want to be with him? Is he the one I want? The last one?" Its scary! But then I flash our relationship in my head and think about how happy he makes me, and how angry he makes me (which I love), and how he makes me laugh, and how he's so open with me, and I can be myself with him. And how our personalities gel so well, and yeah I think I want him!

He's had walls up for so long, its just been the last few months that I've started to see the depth of his love for me. I realized if he could actually be with me right now, I'd be drowning in HIS love. And to be totally honest, I don't think I've ever been loved that much by anyone in my entire life.

He's amazing. I told him he needs to talk to someone about all these things that go through his head. All the things that he worries about. How to deal with being married and being in love with someone else. I will have to stay on top of him with that.

Anyway then we came back to my place and as tired as we were... Which reminds me! He fell asleep as I listened to him snore in my ear, as my arms and legs were wrapped in his. It was so nice. One day he'll sleep with me all night. And I'll have to wear earphones to tune him out as he told me is bad for my ears. And as he got dressed and I said I wish you could lay with me all night, he said "one day." Hmm! Shocking isn't it?

I LOVE HIM!

we have a date

So he said he is taking me tomorrow night to the city. I'm really excited! I'm getting my eyebrows waxed, going tanning, maybe use my gift card to get a pedicure. Of course I'm taking my daughter so I'll have a fun day with her whether or not I go out with him. I reserved a table too. Did anyone check out the site?

I am just really happy to be able to do something I am excited to do with someone I'm in love with. And... I get him to myself for hours. I love when he goes out with me because he can be himself and doesn't have to look over his shoulder to make sure people aren't looking.

No tomorrow night I will not worry about the future. I will not think about anything else. I will enjoy every minute of him to myself! I love him so much.

wishy washy today

It really bothers me that I have mm in the forefront of my mind every day. When I make plans he's the one I want to be with. And I rearrange my entire schedule to be with him. If he gives me a maybe, I wait.

I view myself as pathetic. Today he told me I remind him of the girl in "he's just not that into you" who doesn't get men at all. The one who is.... Pathetic!! The one who calls the guy for guy advice. She's so cute but in my opinion, pathetic. He told me that's not how he sees her but sees her as someone who isn't afraid to put herself out there and open her heart or something like that. But as soon as he said that I started to cry! Because his view and my view of the same girl are totally different. I took it as a complete insult.

But look at me! Here I am putting myself out there pathetically waiting on him to give me an answer. And if I don't wait, and go ahead and make ans, my opportunity is missed. We may as well break it off. Which in my opinion will happen soon. When he makes comments like "its getting harder and harder to get away" that says to me our time will be less and less. We won't grow closer. Even though he says every time were together it gets better and better. He's probably just talking about sex anyway.

Just not happy today.

i wonder

One of my friends at work always tells me he wants to hook me up with someone. He has actually told me a few times he wishes I could be with mm because he can see us together but he completely doubts he'll ever make a move to be with me. I'm still on the fence with that.

But sometimes I wonder what people would think if they knew what he and I do. If they knew we had sex in the bathroom, if they knew he sent me that awesome video jerking off, that we send each other dirty texts thru the day, that we kiss in the hallway, that we are passionate lovers outside of there. I just wonder what they would say if they knew. Most of them kind of know, or have an idea, but no proof.

Furthermore, there are a few people who have told me they think we should be together.

(((Sigh))) I wonder...

responses to reader comments

Now in regard to the comments I received, I can't comment back from my phone so here are my comments.

EG-that suuuucks you only got to see him for a weekend! Did u block it out of your mind and enjoy the fantasy of you two together? You waited so long. Its gotta hurt so badly. I'm sorry

SA- you told him enough huh? What was his response? If any? Horrible that he could be with you for four years and never progress any further whether it be with words or actions.

Spring Flower: "Some lovers can't spend dinner or overnight because of their home situation. It's part of the game. It should be fun, not a cause for worries or mind games." True... But....This is not a game though. This is a full fledged relationship. He and I never thought it would turn into such a loving relationship. And I am now having fun. I haven't cried in a while!

J-"I can go out in the evenings sometimes because I have a hobby that permits that. And if I did not have a hobby like that, I would have taken one up in order to carve out that time." Um he has a hobby. But he still said to me the other night that its getting harder and harder for him to see me. That sounds to me like this is going to end soon. What do you think?

And basically after reading everyones comments I think I have it pretty good for being with a married man. He tries really hard to make me happy. And I am. I'm in love. And it gets better and better every day!

separating lover and professionalism

Have I mentioned I'm in love? Today was funny. I was doing work for him completely forgetting that I just fucked him last night.it hit me later on and I kept getting the flashes of us fucking each other at random times of the day. It was cool to be able to split him in half like that. My passionate lover, and my "boss." Usually I have a hard time doing that. I feel lucky to know him like that. No one else not even his wife knows him the way I know him. And the men who make comments about me or who look at me in a sexual way, I say to myself, I'm only his. Imagine if they knew the kind of sex we have.

so i caved...

I can't help it! I'm out of control, in love, and he's so irresistible! Amazing again.

I wanted to meet him in the janitor closet but he refuses. I think it would be fun! Its totally risky, and dirty... But I wanted raw dirty sex.

I spent my twenty minutes mental break from work on the phone with him, and about a half hour at the end of the day on the phone. Chit chatting, catching up on the weekend, talking about which women in the office need to get laid because they are too uptight, discussing going out. I told him my plan. You get nothing til you take me out! We were making plans. Then we were making plans to meet at my house. I couldn't resist him! I wanted him to fuck me like all those uptight women need to get fucked. I wanted him to fuck me hard! From behind. Grab my hips, pull them to him, and fuck me til I couldn't take it anymore.

So 5:15, I raced home, got there by 5:45, and by 6:00 he was standing in my kitchen. With his coat on, he poured himself a drink. He only two a couple sips and I wrapped my arms around him from behind, and kissed his cheek. With that he turned and kissed my lips, grabbed my body as he walked me backwards to slam me against the wall. He lifted my skirt, moved my thong to the side, and stuck his fingers inside me to discover I was very wet! The rest of this is a whirlwind, so I can't even remember what happened when. At some point my bra was unhooked, my shirt was pushed up and his mouth was on my nipples. All I can remember was him fingering me and me moaning and making loud noises as I realized my neighbors can probably hear this!

Before long I was about to cum and my legs couldn't hold me anymore! I was so weak in the knees as I was cumming all over his fingers that I ended up slowly falling all the way to the floor where I wanted him to just fuck me. Unfortunately I am ovulating so we needed a condom. He had to leave me as I lay there breathless and weak to get a condom. He came back and we decided to go to my bed. The floor would've been too hard for his knees but it would've been so fun to fuck on the kitchen floor.

So off came his clothes and to my room i walked backwards with my arms wrapped around his neck where I buried my face, and his delicious hard cock between my legs. Rushing to my bed, he pulled my skirt and underwear off as he instructed me to keep my shirt on. Love him telling me what to do!

He fucked me on top, with my legs pinned to my shoulders, he fucked me from behind, smacked my ass a few times, and even fucked me from underneath me. I was dripping wet. Pouring all over him. I wanted to lick it off of him but the damn condom was in the way. I pulled it off, got back on top of him, and put inside me. Ya know "just for a minute" I came all over him. I was dripping with sweat, literally, because the shirt I kept on was a talk top under a turtle neck sweater shirt. I didn't care though. He told me to keep it on so I did.

As I was on top of him, a lot of thoughts flooded my mind: I wanna sit on your face.... God please make sure I don't get pregnant.... I love you.... Talk dirty to me.... Eat me out taste how good I taste.... I'm in love.

I could see the way he looked at me how he felt about me. I came all over him, sucked it off, and let him cum on his stomach. I was supposed to lick it off but I rubbed it in! LOL! He yelled at me for that. "Don't rub it on me! You were supposed to lick it off!" ha ha! Oops! I took my shirt off, got on top and rubbed it onto my stomach. I love his cum on me.

We talked for a while and I gave him a massage. And kissed him a lot. My kiss is a silent "I love you." And I kissed him a lot.

belated birthday dinner

I figured out where he is taking me for my two year belated birthday.  the bubble lounge in the city. here is the link if you want to see it. its perfect. http://www.bubblelounge.com/new-york/multimedia/

this place has everything i want. a place to snuggle, relaxed atmosphere, mature crowd, great food and drinks, not too pricey, yet elegant. its open til 4am. not like i could stay up that late... check out the menu the drinks and the pictures on the website.

I read blogs like J's and i think to myself, "wow these men have to WORK to see their women! they have to pay for and find places to go, they take them to dinner, etc. And how easy do I make it for the muffin man?" TOO EASY! I mean god, i cant believe he hasn't made an effort to take me out! I refuse to give him a damn thing til he takes me! I havent even spoken to him all weekend.  you want to ignore me? i'll ignore you right back.  and tomorrow at work, hell be all over me again. no thanks buddy! you can take me out.

and as far as my laptop i STILL wont have it for another week, so I am doing my best to comment!  though i dont understand how someone can have like 30 followers with barely any profile views, and I get 100 views in less than a week and barely any comments and barely any followers.  weird isnt it?

also, i posted a few of the very many pictures i sent him in my "picture show" blog.  most had my face in the picture so i couldnt post it, but hey, you can see my new bras! I think i need to get some more!!

pinky swear

Remember when we were kids and the pinky swear was the biggest promise you could make someone? Well when muffin man was over the other night, which was the best night ever with him, we had a discussion. I told him what I need from him and he told me what bothered him. "Can you please try to keep some things to yourself? Like, you don't have to tell me every thought that comes to your head when its something that's gonna upset me." "Ok," I responded, "and you need to open up more, and tell me how you feel about me and speak the thoughts that come to your head!" "Can you please work on it though?" He asked. I held my hand out to shake his hand and said "I promise I will do my best" "really?" "Really! I promise you!" He held out his pinky and said "pinky swear?" "Yes! Pinky swear! And you pinky swear you'll open up more" "ok" we shook pinky fingers, and made a promise.

Friday at work one of the guys, a kid really, was telling us about his vacation he was about to go on with his girlfriend. Mm was asking him lots of questions and the first thought that came to my head was "god do I wish I could go on vacation with him" the second was "I really hope he's not thinking about his family when talking about this with me in the conversation!!" I wanted to say "oh great! You should bring your wife!" But I remembered my pinky swear and said nope! I need to bite my tongue here. I made a promise. Then I thought to myself... Um... He hasn't said anything to me. I hope he keeps his promise too. So later I called him and said, "um I just want you to know I kept my promise..." I told him I didn't say anything, and he of course wanted me to tell him what I wanted to say. The problem is that he didn't realize I was making a point so he'd remember his promise! But today, he barely said two words to me and I just ignored him all day.

You don't break a pinky swear! But I guess it meant nothing to him. Just like promising to take me out for my birthday. STIIILL WAITING! I'm gonna have to tell him, no sex until you take me out! Fuck that! He is so bad at keeping promises. Is that something I can accept for the rest of my life? Doubtful. It hurts...

What an ass...

sex in the bathroom! ha ha!

Quick story today! At about 2:00pm the mm and I were talking.  We hadn't really spoken TOO much today since I forgot my cell at home and most of our communcation takes place on our phones. Phones cant be traced at work...

Well long story short, we just decided out of the blue that we wanted each other. He said "how bout now?" 
I said "OK! yes!"
"really?"
"yes really!"
"downstairs bathroom?"
"ok!"

Unfortunately things kept coming up and we couldn't meet until 4:00 when we got out of work. We went downstairs.  I went first, a minute later he came down. It was funny too because on my way out of the office i saw him and we both laughed and said "good night! have a good weekend!" all the while knowing I was headed to the bathroom where he would meet me. WAY risky since we don't know where exactly the cameras are, and people were walking around in the hallways. We met in the handicap bathroom. (more room and private)

He was a little weirded out since its "a bathroom." So I said "block it out!" After a couple awkward minutes as he got over the bathroom aspect, he pressed himself up against me with his arms on the wall on either side of me.  he kissed me and i was wet. I lifted his shirt out of pants and rubbed his body all over. then i stuck my hands down his pants. "if youre gonna play with it, just take my pants off" "ok!!!" mmm.... he was so hard. it didnt take more than a few minutes of this making out until we were ready to just get it on. he pulled my pants off and stuck it on me. kind of awkward and difficult to do this against the wall. so i told him to go sit on the toilet and i got on top.  he made the funniest face as he cringed to sit on it. "block it out!" i told him.

I sat on top and fucked him. He arched his back to get it up higher for me so I didnt have to work so hard. My feet didnt even touch the ground so it was very difficult.  I rubbed my clit as he moved up and down fucking me all for my pleasure.  he really didnt get too much out of it. i mean he got something, just not like me.  As i was about to cum, i heard footsteps and people walking back and forth. it took all my energy to hold in my orgasm as i came all over him.

when i felt satisfied, i got off of him, told him to stand up, and I got on my knees.  i licked and sucked my cum off of him and jerked him off the way he likes it until he was about to cum. planning on catching it in my mouth i heard someone tug at the door trying to get in! "oh my god i hope he doesn't freak" i thought to myself. he didn't though. he said some of my favorite words, "here i go, im gonna cum" and right in my mouth i caught it all... mmmmmm! soooo good! I love his cum.

we laughed, put our clothes on, cleaned up, kissed a couple times and said good bye.  He left first, i left second.  so fun! i love him.

picture show!

God I haven't posted in a week, I feel like its been a month! And I got a hundred profile views? Wow.

My lover got back from vacation. I missed him terribly but he actually missed me way more than I missed him. It was so nice to know he missed me like that. Since he got back, we got in a couple fights. I refused to have sex with him until he brought me out for my belated birthday!

Over the weekend I went bra shopping and was so excited to show him. I took pictures and sent them to his phone. He got so excited, he sent me one back. Loved it! Since I am posting from my phone I can't attach a picture but I will add them when I get to a computer. Btw, my laptop should be here tomorrow.

The next day, my sexual little beast came out of his shy shell and gave into my coaxing. I got him to send me videos of him... I don't want to sound crude, so let's just say his videos were explicit and I loved every second of them! Side note: we haven't had sex since before thanksgiving. Ugh.

The next day at work we were sending each other dirty texts in the office. So fun. We wanted to at that moment go down to the bottom level in the handicapped bathroom and fuck each other like crazy. But I've been feeling very insecure about his feelings and intentions with me so I declined. We got in a fight. And made up later. I told him I basically need three things from you. 1. Compliments 2. Tell me how you feel about me 3. Take me out once in a while!

I know I'm not asking a lot. We were kind of breaking up that night. But that night the last thing I heard from him was "I love you" and the next morning he gave me a compliment. :)

That morning was wednesday. I wore the necklace he gave me, he wore the tie I gave him. He barely talked to me that day so I assumed he wasn't planning on seeing me like he said he would. But at 4:50 he was out the door racing to my house as if I was the most important thing to him. I think I was actually. I met him there where we talked for a while. I watched him talk and it was all I could do to not kiss him. Until he grabbed me and kissed me. I know I had said I wouldn't have sex with him until we went out but it was different this time.

He did everything I ever said I wanted him to do. He told me how he felt about me, said he loved me as he kissed me, made me feel good about myself... And he told me to sit on his face... :) if u haven't been following, he never does this and it makes me feel bad...but he did this time and he was awesome! Then as he kissed me he said "I'm so sorry I haven't expressed my feelings to you and have held back so much. I'm such an idiot.you don't deserve that." I said "i love you" and he looked in my eyes with the most sincerity I've ever seen in a man and said "I love you too" he said "how does it get better and better every time? We were made for each other."

That night we had the most amazing sex I've ever had with anyone in my life. There was so much love and passion and comfort between us. Oh and he came where I wanted him to. My mouth, chest, stomach... Amazing. It was probably an hour at least of sex, we were both dizzy and light headed after. We laid there and talked about being alone on a beach somewhere. And he said to me "its funny how we actually think we can break up, and end up becoming closer"

I wonder what's he's thinking now. I wonder if he remembers all this that he said like I remember. (((Sigh))) I am so in love. Soooo in love.

If you respond which I hope you all do, please fill me in on your lives!!! I feel so distant!