fantasy becomes reality

Ok so first of all, as soon as I got into his car last night, I felt this surge of peace and happiness come over me from head to toe. He was so handsome and his mood was so peaceful and relaxed. It was almost surreal to me that I was actually going somewhere fun with him! And the way he is such a good driver turns me on.

I'll be honest, it felt like a first date for some reason. Probably because it was the first time we really went out like that in a while.

So we got there and it was pretty much exactly what I wanted. We got to sit on a couch, cuddle, and talk. We talked for hours. I remember saying something about how I am looking forward to getting married one day so I can pass the bills over, because I am horrible at managing money. And his response was "I'm not that good at it either" so I said "so does that mean you're planning on marrying me?" "I think about it" you what? I asked him to elaborate. He said something like he thinks about being with me.

I'm sure he's going to read this so I don't want to say too much. I'll embarrass myself and him! But he talked for a long time about how he feels, stuff about his wife, his struggles with her, his hostory with her, with wanting to be with me. It was so sad and my heart went out to him as he told me how unhappy and unfulfilled he really is. I remember him saying something like how he could try to work things out but she is who she is and shell never change and she just doesn't do anything for him. I think the saddest thing he said was something like how he looks at other men's wives and thinks to himself how there's something special about them and not his wife? Something to that effect. Broke my heart to hear that.

At one point I said to myself, wow. This is really real now. Its not a fantasy. This is a serious relationship. Not that I didn't know it was before, but for the married one to come out and say all he's thinking and feeling instead of keeping quiet where you never reeeally know what his intensions are, its no question of reality. And I tell him how I want to be with him but after hearing what he said and felt last night, I had to say to myself "am I SURE I really want to be with him? Is he the one I want? The last one?" Its scary! But then I flash our relationship in my head and think about how happy he makes me, and how angry he makes me (which I love), and how he makes me laugh, and how he's so open with me, and I can be myself with him. And how our personalities gel so well, and yeah I think I want him!

He's had walls up for so long, its just been the last few months that I've started to see the depth of his love for me. I realized if he could actually be with me right now, I'd be drowning in HIS love. And to be totally honest, I don't think I've ever been loved that much by anyone in my entire life.

He's amazing. I told him he needs to talk to someone about all these things that go through his head. All the things that he worries about. How to deal with being married and being in love with someone else. I will have to stay on top of him with that.

Anyway then we came back to my place and as tired as we were... Which reminds me! He fell asleep as I listened to him snore in my ear, as my arms and legs were wrapped in his. It was so nice. One day he'll sleep with me all night. And I'll have to wear earphones to tune him out as he told me is bad for my ears. And as he got dressed and I said I wish you could lay with me all night, he said "one day." Hmm! Shocking isn't it?

I LOVE HIM!