Wait til you hear this one...

It was a year ago that I found out I was pregnant, and waited to tell him until he got back from hos trip to Florida to visit his parents. And I had the abortion I still regret in October, and was depressed until exactly this time.  A year ago today I went ot see that psychic who was so unbelievably amazing. She prayed for me and the heavy weight was lifted off of me that night.

Well I have been bleeding for for a couple weeks now, and went to the dr. Turns out I am pregnant again and havign a miscarriage. This time when i told him, I didnt wait til he went away. And he was amazingly calm.  I tried to post my bday card and what he wrote to me and what he said to me but I hit something and it was gone.  I didnt have the patience to retype it. Basically, he is changing as a person and owes it all to me. Well lucky me that hes a better person and I'm in pain.

Anyway I was crying a lot when i found out I was pregnant. 1. i was scared 2. i couldnt decide what to do again. 3. we are idiots!  then I found out I was having a miscarriage and then i cried again because i was scare that I did permanent damage to my body! I think i had one sometime this year but i dunno. I didnt bleed at all today and the nurse said pray you bleed otherwise you need a dnc.

And in the midst of all this... I MET A NEW GUY! FINALLY!!! I have a great story about how I met him!!! I went to Las Vegas for a weekend and I met him on the plane going from Phoenix to Vegas. He is tall dark and handsome. Sexy, young, and fun! Finally, I met someone to distract me from "Mr. Dead End."  He lives in Charlotte, NC. I will write the whole story in another post bc it is a great story.

In the meantime, I wait to see if I will bleed, get a DNC, or have a miracle baby. I will keep you posted.

Beautiful Disaster

so my birthday is coming up this wednesday. Here is my schedule for the week. Tuesday nt he is bringing me as his guest to his networking group's Christmas party, Wednesday is my bday, and he usually takes me out to lunch, then we have our company christmas party, then we are going to a yoga/meditation class, then to see his friend play in his jazz band since I love jazz. Should be a good day providing I dont cry.  I usually do because I'm so sad I can't be with him. Thursday or Friday nt we were supposed to go to this restaurant I want to go to but I told him if he can't do it I'll be ok since Wednesday I'll be with him all night.

Last week we went to dinner with a prospect and first and foremost, the guy is coming in to open an account this wednesday. Secondly, we stayed after it was over, at the table. He is afraid to tell me the words "I love you" this past year but he replaces it with "I appreciate you" and "I'm crazy about you" Just tell me you love me because you do!!  Besides, I can see it in his eyes! It pours out of him.  He stared at me with those beautiful green eyes pouring out rivers of love.  DO you know what I mean? Has anyone seen this?  Its incredible. He says "where do all these feelings for me come from?" "I dont know!  Its just so strong! Im crazy about you!" So I asked him back "Where do YOURS come from?" "I dont KNOW! But theyre there, and they're strong"

Well great. But you cant be with someone youre that in love with??? Then I started to cry. The thought of his wife and kids and how I'm a secret, is so painful I cant contain those tears. It just hurts so badly.  He told me "I really hope you understand I know how you feel! I feel the same way! I dont wear my heart on my sleeve like you do, but I am in pain too. I'm crazy about you! I feel trapped in my situation just like you"

Did that make me feel better? Sort of. Not completely.

I did this meditation yesterday that dealt with self-sabotage. It started out with realizing how I sabotage myself.  One of the biggest areas is my love life. I thought to myself "I rob myself of happiness. Of a true and happy relationship."  Then it goes to digging deep to where the root of it is.  I could NOT find the answer. I know I have feelings of  unworthiness and never being good enough. But I couldnt find where it came from. Then we went to picturing myself in this happy place being completely successful in the area I am dealing with. I pictured myself with HIM! I tried to picture myself with another man.  I thought about this man I always dreampt of. I remembered how I always believed there was a man just for me. Waiting for me like I am waiting for him.  I am a very unique person and I need a unique man. I am difficult and stubborn and I need a patient loving man.  But someone who makes me HOT! Someone like the muffin man. That night we walked out of the restaurant and just kissed and kissed. Ont he sidewalk, in his car... I attacked him. Kissed his face everywhere.  I love when he giggles when I attack him. I love him so much I am actually starting to cry right now writing this. Anyway back to the meditation. As I pictured this imaginery guy in my head, travelling with me to France, I kept getting a bigger, brighter, louder picture into my head of me and the muffin man on a beach, staring at each other. The warm sun shining, the peace around us, the feeling of complete satisfaction and unending joy. Then I would force myself to go back to the other guy in my head and that feeling would go away. I didnt know what to do. It was easy to picture him but I had to FORCE myself to think of someone else. Is it that I'm not ready to move on? Or do I believe he is my only happiness and I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way he does? If he could be mine, I guarantee I'd be SO happy. He is worth waiting for if I knew the wait would bring him to me.
Then it brought me to a point where I had to think about the good things I feel and what I get out of sabotaging myself. I feel in control. No one can control me.  I choose to stay in a fucked up situation. It was difficult though because he is my joy but also the sabotage to gaining that joy. You know what I mean? I am sabotaging myself of being with a lover who is my everlasting joy, yet the one I am sabotaging myself with, is the one I want to be my lover. Then I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Of course I started with the abortion. I cant forgive myself for that! I believe God forgave me but I cant forgive myself! WHY?
here is the mediation.  The site is amazing. I try to go to it daily.

http://store.debbieford.com/index.php?cPath=14_20#meditations

Meanwhile he has been meditating and filling his spirit with constant positive affirmation and he has been amazing with me. So nice, so patient, so understanding and loving. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Yet I love my job! What do I do?  This really is a beautiful disaster.
These words are perfect for me and him. Loving someone with that pain intertwined.  He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe, a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. (I am the friggin tradegy though) And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful? or just a beautiful disaster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY&feature=related

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM.

no i have not left him yet

The problem is we work so well together because we care about each other. We see each other every day and we have feelings for each other. But I feel at work, the way he does in his marriage. Yes its mot the happiest it can be and its not ideal and there is pain mixed in, but its not so unbearable that I have to leave.  Where am I going to go in this economy?  I love my job and get paid a decent amount and he pays for a lot of extra things on top of that for me. 

Lately though, its been kind of weird.  It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day.  Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me.  I appreciate you very much .  I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?

Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot.  I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!

I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me.  I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him.  I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.

I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him.  Which I cant really do right now.  I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.

porn

ok i used to like porn and couldnt get enough of it. until I started researching sex trafficking. then i would see stuff and wonder "is she doing this because she likes it? or because she's being forced to?" I went to pornhub.com and clicked on "teen" category. the very first photo was an asian girl who looked about 11 years old! didnt even have boobs yet! not even mosquito bites! i couldnt believe it! what do people think when they see that? do they just try to ignore it? i dont get it. and why does the person who is so conscious of sex trafficking the one who sees that first??? i have seen some absolutely disgusting photos and horrifying videos. it doesnt even turn me on anymore! i cant even watch more than 2 minutes before my stomach starts turning and the lust i enjoyed turns to disgust and when i make myself cum i get tears in my eyes. its ruined for me! then i think about as i browse the 1000's of videos out there, how many videos are being made and how many people are being violated and how much SEX is going on in the world! my god, is it disgusting! it literally makes me sick. and I have no one to talk about this to because I dont want people knowing i watch porn!!!

its horrifying. and somewhat depressing i cant enjoy it...

just read some old posts... and wow.

I just read some old posts, and I sound like the biggest loser! I have ZERO self worth and self esteem, I am totally pathetic, and all my posts hold so much PAIN and torment! What a loser I am to put up with this dead end love for so long! And I cant thank you all enough for being SO sweet to me and compassionate and wishing me joy and peace and love. If that were me reading someone else's blog I would have told them straight up how pathetic they sounded.

I really need to move on. The good thing is that when I read the old posts, it makes me feel better to know I really have lost some of my attachment and hope. I have given up and my heart has become distant. I was hanging on with the last thin strand knowing HE will regret losing me. But I honestly feel like its too late now.

I read the blog entry about the holiday cards and the labels... NOTHING HAS CHANGED! He is STILL making me do it and he is still sending out the bullshit "picture perfect family" card! The only thing that changed is that I said I'd make the cards and send them. I have given up.  I just wish I didnt have to work with him and see him every day. Thats what makes it hard to let go! If I didnt have to see him every day, forget it. He'd be history.

I will continue to remind myself through my old blogs how much pain he brings me. As I read them I just wanna get him out of my life! Like I am reading it as an outside person. I laugh at my patheticness. I think I should just give this guy a chance that loves me because he treats me right and is always looking for ways to make me happy. And it makes him happy when i say hi or email him or hug him or cuddle with him. He has no clue the animal I am in bed... I think he'll be pretty happy about it should I choose to stop being a loser!

the client event

Regarding my last post, I spoke to my therapist. She is wonderful. She told me that when I give love it comes back to me. and it may not come back from him, but it will come back from somewhere else and to NOT stop giving what's in my heart because it will come back.  Meanwhile it has, but from someone else. Also, in the meantime, mm's eyes have been opened to what I do for him and he went out and bought me the Audrey 100 book with a note that said "I DO listen, I DO appreciate you, and my life would never be the same if you didnt do what you do for me day in and day out" It meant a lot to me. Especially relating to work. He gave it to me at work and it was an appreciation for all the work I do for him. He went at 9:30 at night to get it because he knew I'd absolutely love it and did I ever!! Perfect gift.

 this is my favorite picture. I actually make this face when I'm with him. The biggest compliments I got from quite a few people at work and home was "you look like her! especially that one!"

There are 100 pictures of Audrey in here and I have a few in my house hanging up.  Very thoughtful gift. VERY.

So Thursday night we had a client appreciation event which was dinner and a play. The Lion in Winter. I got to do the entire thing. The caterer, the room, the tickets, the invites, etc. I had a great time. The best part was him letting his walls down. I gave him a glass of wine right away and said "drink up so I can take advantage of you!" LOL! I amuse myself. The best thing he said that night before the show started was "I cant hide that I'm just captivated by you" I said "what?" just so I could hear it again! then at the show I sat next to him and he was really sweet. Held my hand, gently caressed it with his fingers, etc. Told me the young girl, mistress, in the play reminded him of me because she just lived to make the King happy. Loved him with all her heart and even gave him his wine the way I gave mm his wine only an hour earlier.

Later we kissed in the hallway and in the room we rented as we got the leftovers, and had sex in the back of my new car. Had to christen it, ya know?

I started to feel a little weird as we had sex. I dont know if it was that i was physically ill, or if it was my emotions. I'm really scared that I am going to move on and by the time he realizes he wants me, I will be gone. I know I think about the future and the "what if's" too much and thats enough to make anyone sick. I even told him that night, "you WILL regret losing me"

thoughts anyone?

the painful decision

I hate him so much. I think I'm gonna keep a knife or something with me and every time that fucking disgusting selfish prick comes to my mind or I am nice to him, or think I want to be with him, I have to remind myself he brings nothing but pain to me! I will just cut myself (lightly) to remind myself HE=PAIN! He is disgusting. nothing but a user and a coward. Maybe THEN i can GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD HE WILL NEVER BE WITH ME! I am a fucking IDIOT for thinking so!!!! He only brings me pain and misery!! He made me kill my baby and for that, he cannot be forgiven.  Not by me.

All this time I've tried to protect him and HIS feelings while sacrificing my own! I can GUARANTEE he will end up like all my exes and regret what hes doing... letting me go. He will come back like the rest of them begging me and crying and stewing in his own loneliness. No one cared or will ever care about him like I do. I have loved him with unconditional selfless love. I learned from Jesus how to love and how to give yourself completely and when you get spit in the face, love some more. I have loved him with everything I could,.  And I begged and pleaded with him to not let me go for the sake of his own future. And unfortunately he is too stubborn to listen.  By the time he realizes he wants me enough to give up what he needs to, I will have moved on! It will be too late for him. Its just so sad because I have held on so long just to protect him and I cant anymore.  I went into this with wanting to please him KNOWING I'd end up heart broken and I did it anyway. I waited and held on, and I've had my heart broken and shattered and just couldn't get through to him. And when I get over him and move on, and my heart is cold towards him, he will come back and it will be too late. He will realize later on he made the wrong choice but it will be over.  He will deeply regret it just like the rest.
Oh well. His loss. I will move on to someone who loves me first! Someone who treats me right. And he will live in regret. And I wont feel sorry for him. I will say "I told you so" He makes me sick to my stomach.  He never ever deserved an ounce of my love. Ever. He is a piece of shit that needs to be flushed down the toilet!
He disgusts me.

went on a date last night with the guy i was talking about. the one who's in love with me that i am not feeling the same way towards. Especially since I am in love with the muffin man! went to the city to see Brian Regan. He paid for these tickets for us. $60 a piece. Paid for the whole evening.


Tell me if I'm a snob.

Every other guy I go out with would drive in the city and park. They would pay for the entire evening. I find it sexy when a man can drive in the city. I have major anxiety issues and should probably be on medication for it but I'm not. I absolutely HATE public transportation for the mere fact I hate "catching a train" taking a dirty smelly subway when I have no clue where I'm going, I feel so bad for all the poor people I cant help, it really bothers me when I see men sitting and not giving their seats up for women children and the elderly, and I hate having to be places at certain times. It makes me a nervous wreck! So usually I go into the city with a man who drives me in, we go where we are going, and get there early so we dont have to rush, or we just stroll into a restaurant and take our time and leave.

This one, however, tells me he's coming at 6 to get me, rings the bell at 5:58, which totally pisses me off... I wasnt ready! My outfits were all horrible. "I'll be too cold!" "I look fat" "too dressy" Too casual" ''too uncomfortable" etc! I was rushing like a lunatic and by the time we start to leave I am already having such bad anxiety I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I was sick the whole car ride. Mainly because I knew we were driving to a train station! then we had to take the train to the city, then a subway to Lincoln Center. I take the train when I go see my uncle in the city, but theres no time pressures! i tell him "I'll be there between 1 and 4!"

so we miss the first train. my fault. he said it was ine there was another one in 20 minutes. So im sitting in the train station, feeling sick, cant breathe, needing a shot of alcohol! we take the train to the subway where they were working on the tracks and we were totally delayed! Had to take a cab to lincoln center. Anyone ever notice how the cabs wreak of sweaty ass when you get in? why is that? I snet the muffin man a text while i fantasized about giving him a blow job in the cab, and was texting the other guy i go out with who drives me telling him he spoiled me! anyway we rush to get there and just made it on time. I got a shot of rum to relax and went in the show.  I dont want to be with a guy who barely has money. Is that a horrible thing? I have struggled with money my whole life and if I could be with someone who had money I'd rather have that than a poor guy. or a mediocre guy. I dont need a millionaire! trust me. Im not a gold digger. Im just saying I can choose what type of guy I fall in love with. Why not choose a guy who has enough money to drive into the city?

We were in the theater and I'm thinking to myself "ugh. We're in the city and can't even go out and do something fun! I dont have the money to pay for us both and I feel guilty spending his money! Now I have to schlep on a friggin train and subway again." I didnt complain to him because how dare i complain when he paid for it all. My sister told me I complain and sound completely ungrateful about things when people do things for me and I conciously tried to NOT complain. But I was cringing inside. Does this mean I'm high maintenance? or a snob? or a bitch? or a brat?

The men who spoil me never feel bad when I complain. They just tell me to shut up and get over it. They say "youre so annoying" or "youre such a brat" and they couldn't care less. obviously, since they continue to take me out. Maybe my problem is I really didnt want to be with him! Maybe if I was in love with him it wouldnt matter if we were on a train! YES!!! thats IT!!! I took a train with my muffin man and I kissed him the whole time and even had my hand in his pants! I wouldnt have cared where we were or what we did! as long as I was with him! oh my god! revelation!

ok what should i do???

Maroon 5 - Misery

its over yet i still hang on

its really pathetic that I'm afraid to let him go but heres the reason. I have met so many people who marry the person who is "good for them" or who would make a good wife/husband but down the road they aren't happy. they aren't satisfied or fulfilled. im so afraid of pursuing this guy who is in love with me, Mike, because he's a safe guy. boring, safe, and way too into me. And the muffin man, we send funny emails back and forth each day, theres major attraction and chemistry, he makes me laugh every day, and even through the fighting and the bad, he still makes me crazy for him. i think i'm used to the dysfunctional relationships based on my past, but I don't want to lose someone I love SO deeply. Im sure you think I'm pathetic but I'd rather be alone than be with someone I dont love and cheat on them. Because I'm afraid I might be the cheater.


This is torture. At least he is in counseling and he brought his wife. Guess what will happen. He will get the proof he needs to say "I want out" but the thing i'm worried about is will I be there?  Probably not. I cant let myself be THAT pathetic! I'm just drowning in my own misery and pain, holding onto to something by its last thread.

and by the way.. this is what our relationship is like.  A little less violence, a little more love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g6g2mvItp4 (i posted it separately. dont know how to add it to a post)

Finally got a computer!

I got some good stories!!!


They involve the naughty places we had sex at work! I think we must be crazy. Or at least I am. The latest thing we did started at his desk. He was fingering me and I cannot believe how ridiculously soaking wet I was. And he barely did anything! When he took his fingers out there was so much it was as if he came on his own fingers.

We then snuck into the filing closet where we moved some boxes and had sex. God it was extremely difficult to stay quiet!!! I had him cum in my mouth because it was just safer that way. He was so excited at the fact that we were at work in a closet that he had a hard time NOT cumming too quickly. Please tell me thats normal for any
age.

I've been looking for other guys and slept with a couple other guys but no one does it for me like mm does. For now.  The best news I have about him though, is that after MUCH struggle and hard work, I finally got him to go to a therapist and he really likes him a LOT! I am so happy and thankful he has someone to talk to and open up to because until now, he had no one. And the weirdest part is, after a few sessions, I realized that I went to middle school with the guy! I remembered the name, pictured him in my head, and had him ask him if he was from my town. Sure enough I was right. How weird is that?

Thats all for now...  I miss everyone on here. havent been on here in a while!!!!

confused...

i dont know what i want. im still in love with and willing to wait to muffin man but i also know that will take a long time. im not sure what kind of man i want either. i dont know if i want a man with money because i dont want to be dependent on HIS money, i want to make my OWN. but then again if he has money maybe he could help me do what i actually want to do.  but then i'll always feel like i owe him, or indebted to him. i hate that feeling. a couple people said thats MY problem and i need to deal with that or ill never find anyone.  i dont know.  i clearly have problems...

i struggle between wanting to have my own business and working and being successful and being a wife. i feel like im from the 30's/40's and want to take care of my husband like they did then and through the 50's. i wish i had a husband i loved who i could take care of the second he walks in the door. spoil him when he comes in and take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet and the place is clean when he gets home. i think that is very important, however, all i think of is how many men cheat on their wives with exciting wild women which i tend to be. the other woman. i definitely have a fear of my husband cheating. I WONDER WHY!

and its so hard to find someone to do all the things with me that i want to do. its so sad that mm would do MOST things with me, but cant. it really shouldnt be hard to find someone to take me to a burlesque show, or to fantasy fest in key west, or to a janiva magness outdoor concert in the city... i think those things are fun! it IS hard to find someone to go to a 30 seconds to mars concert in A.C. though. i need someone who gets the art of them. or of other things. and someone who is adventurous enough to explore other stuff. and someone who doesnt treat me like shit but someone who isnt pathetic and too eager. its so frustrating. i could find so many guys who would love to do all those things and who are attracted to me and theyre all fuckin married! ASEUIYDVNJSDJKFHLKJGHLSKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!  I honestly dont know what to do... im pretty much about to give up on ever finding the right guy for me.

pathetic

my phone wont let me post anymore and im pretty upset about it.

so im still working there.  still sleeping with him, but ive met other guys and slept with other guys and im pretty much over it. im using him for sex in the meantime til i find someone else. his pathetic cowardly weakness to follow his heart is such a turn off. he cant make up his mind, he doesnt have the strength to push thru what he has to in order to get what he wants, and hes satisfied in the misery.  pathetic. i dont even want him anymore. and i noticed hes the same way at work. he has never ONCE followed through on something he promised me or suggested.  not one fucking time! i said i needed $40 to cover my rent check and he said hed give it to me. next day, didnt even have $20.  didnt have a thing to give me. I told him ill never ask him for a thing again. Thats something i desperately NEEDED!! he disgusts me.

im just so over it. i met a HOT SEXY 23 year old who wants to take me out and let me tell you, that boy knows how to take care of me. he was amazing. he would grab my hair and throw me up against the wall and kiss me softly in a teasing way. actually respects me enough to take me OUT before he sleeps with me! only made out. he is SEXY!

also been talking to a guy i went to high school with. single. good job. great personality. EXTREMELY good looking. he invited me to see him so i hope it works out. i really do. but i have to LOWER my expectations because all i do is get disappointed.

my ex married boyfriend, the rich millionaire cane to see me in his fancy car.  told me how much he regrets letting me go. how he has this fancy penthouse in the city and all this money but hes lonely a could be and how if he wasnt married hed scoop me up and let me do whatever i want ands take me around the world.  now i can tell you he is very sincere and makes good on a promise. but im not interested anymore. NOT INTERESTED! im tired of the whole thing. i dont even know what else to say about it.

and thats that...

...continuation of the park

so we were on the swing together, and kissed a lot. it only takes a thought or the slightest touch to get us going. we were discussing how if i had had a skirt on, he couldve just slipped right into me.  but unfortunately i had pants.  none of this was planned. 

i decided to get off of him, and go on the monkey bars.  i had always wanted to see if I could still flip off like i used to.  this set of mokey bars was not the kind we remember as kids though. Now it has all different heights.  its low at one part and higher at the other part.  i went to the lowest part and climbed on top.  i told him to come up there and fuck me right there! ha ha! he wouldnt of course. but he did say he would if it were dark. so i hung myself upside down and was swinging back and forth. he was all nervous and kept saying can you please get down? 

shortly after, i mumbled, "uh oh." "what? youre stuck right?" "maybe i dunno," i answered, "come here! come help me!" so he comes to stand by me trying to figure out how to get me down when i see right in front of my upside down eyes, his crotch.  "wait a minute!!" i called out.  "DON'T MOVE!" i couldnt help myself! i unzipped his pants and pulled out his nice hard cock just WAITING for me to suck it. "what the hell are you doing?" he nervously called out. "are you CRAZY?" "mm hmm!" i said as I enjoyed licking and sucking every inch of him. He nervously looked around to make sure no one was looking.  As the blood was slowly rushing to my head and i was balancing myself dangling from my ankles, i was mesmorized and enjoying every minute of it! he came in my mouth and i swallowed it upside down. what a thirill it was! After his pants were back zipped up and he was laughing in astonishment, he sort of helped me up, but i figured it out. i jumped down and we both walked away laughing.  "do you understand how CRAZY that just was? how crazy YOU ARE?" he asked e. "uh yeah it was awesome! SO much fun!" ive never done that before and im sure many people havent.  as we walked away we saw some mothers staring at us so we went the OTHER way.  As we walked around the school there were tons of more parents and kids and a little league game going on. oops! only adds to the thrill. no one saw though so we were FINE!

anyway i told him, "told you you'd have fun! i TOLD YOU!" but even if i hadnt done that, we still wouldve had fun.  we have fun no matter WHAT we do!! which is why im so fuckin CRAAAAAZY about the asshole!!!

AAAAGH!!!

my stupid phone wont let me post ANYTHING!!!  i only have a minute so ill make it quick.  judging by the pain and the type of bleeding i had the baby aborted itself about 1-2 weeks in. then i broke up with the ass. but since i have to work with him its been MISERABLE! i HATE my job! the only thing i like is being more of a personal assistant.  but its for HIM! so i am forced to get along. i cried every day last week and this week i was a little better. we talked, and he was pretty nice.  so we were comfortable again. i think he felt responsible for my misery and couldnt bare it. so then i told him one day last week. follow me after work i wanna borrow you for 2 hours. so he did and he was so anxious to find out where we were going. he followed me to my elementary school playground! he was baffled of course. i told him "trust me we'll have fun!" so we walked around and i told him stories about when i was young.  how i used to tie up the little weeds that look like flowers and make jump ropes, and how i brought my cabbage patch kid to school every day. then i told him to come sit on the swing next to me while i swang on one. so when he got on his, i straddled him and we talked.  and kissed. then he told me how he tried to force his feelings to go away but they never die.  honestly, its getting old. either grow a fuckin set and get a divorce or help me find a job to get the fuck away from you!

anyway the BEST part of the story is coming up but i have no time.  i will write it tomorrow.  it was fantastic!  thanks to me of course and my crazy ideas and his willingness to let me do whatever i want! 

Two Prophetic Dreams

Dream one:
Sunday night, may 2nd, 2010

Muffin man was driving his car, I was in the passenger seat of his wife's car and she was driving following him in his car. He was driving really fast and we lost him. Instead of her calling him, she told me to call him and didn't seem to care that we lost him. So I called him, we bickered a little like we always do, and I hung up. Seemed as if he was my boyfriend now and she knew and was like "you can have him." i think i was pregnant in the  dream too.
Then we veered off the way of following him, and she went to pick up their 2 daughters. They certainly did not hate me which is good. Then we picked up my daughter. The dream left off with her in her car with her two kids and me and my daughter half in and half out of her car but he was alone far gone still driving. But still in contact with me through phone. Meaning he'd be coming back to me. Not her.
My interpretation:
She will find out about us, decide not to be with him anymore, he'll keep telling her he wants to work it out and to "follow" him some more but she will lose him because he is only caring about himself and his life, and she will pretty much hand him over to me and say he's all yours now. She will get custody. As for what happens with me and him and the baby? Not sure. I wasn't with him. He didn't take me with him, he was alone. Driving fast!
The significance of me and her in the car seems to me that he wants her and me on the side. Wants both of us.
But she's gonna find out. Who would stay married to someone who has had an affair and is in love with someone for two years? And if she finds out about the abortion and if I am pregnant again? He needs to confess but he won't. He keeps trying to cover it up and its gonna come out. But he was driving so fast its like no one can talk any sense into him!

Dream two:
Monday night, May 3rd, 2010

this dream was not dreampt by me.  this was from a coworker! friggin amazing!!

I was in total and complete shock today when a coworker came up to me this morning and said this. 
"oh my God! I had the most amazing dream about you last night! it was so REAL! it freaked me out it was so real! I dreampt I was in the delivery room with you and you were giving birth to a baby boy. And i saw him and held him and he was SO CUTE! he had a full head of dark hair and he was chubby! ooo he was so chubby and cute! and you-know-who was close by! he was there. But I couldn't believe how real it was! When I woke up I was shocked i was in a dream!"

I could NOT believe she was telling me this! I have had dreams and visions of me being pregnant with a boy and being with him. This is just more confirmation. I can literally see my baby in my womb in the spirit and I pray over it every day! He better get ready to have a son, cuz hes coming!!

As for the other guy i was seeing, i noticed its hard for me to look into his eyes because my heart is somewhere else. and hes boring...

I can take the early pregnancy test Sunday and I will post as soon as I know for sure.

i decided...

so... heres the latest.  

~he has a lot going on with his family and is one moody mother fucker
~i no longer have the energy or patience to keep giving while getting on half my return
~we had amazing sex monday because i was ridiculously horny
~he asked me if i was ovulating, i said possibly, yet he still came inside me.
~found out i was definitely ovulating until friday.  guess what. sperm lives inside you for five days.  i prayed about it saw myself with a toddler... um yeah no doubt i'm pregnant. after the third pregnancy, i have had enough. i REFUSE to keep killing my babies for this prick so he can continue cheating on his wife.
~i decided to break up with him. i'm done with this drama. 

so... in a nutshell....

i'm most likely pregnant, im dumping his pathetic ass, and im getting a new job to get away from him. 
 

you may be shocked at this post

Tuesday was muffin man's birthday. He came over after work for a couple hours because a. We never got to go to lunch and b. I wanted to spoil him and destress him like i usually do. He's been really stressed about his dads health and his family being neurotic about it. I felt horrible that it happened on his birthday but my feelings couldn't be contained any longer. For weeks I've been holding in my pain and anxiety about us. I finally bursted into tears telling him I can't do this anymore and we need to break up. I told him everything I said in the last post. He was heartbroken but because I am so completely in love with him I wiped my tears and kissed him all over and took care of him like I love to do. After all it was his birthday and I friggin broke up with the poor guy!! He said I didn't ruin it and he was amazed how much I love him that I always think of him.
Next day is wednesday. I told him we need to go see my therapist together (remember he knows her) and he had told me he would one day. I called her and asked her to move my appointment to that day if possible and told him he is going. I said you'd be at the gym at 6 so you're coming to see her with me at 6. End of story.
And he did! I was shocked. And not only that he couldn't have been more open! Long story short, she pulled out of him what he wants in this relationship and he told us he wanted to make it work and expressed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He asked me if I could wait for him to sort things out but without the promise that I would definitely be with him. I couldn't answer that. I said what if I wait and you tell me you're gonna work things out with your wife and you can't see me anymore? I asked him do you have any idea how that would crush me?
He promised to continue going with me and sort this all out. Clearly he loves me and quite frankly I was shocked. Seemed like a dead end to me. It meant a lot.
Now my next problem is the other guy I've been hanging out with!!!! This is getting sticky...

Its coming to an end now

Im pretty much at the end of my rope now. i've been analyzing this situation and what I came up with was that no matter what the outcome, it's bad. if i continue this, i stay the "girlfriend on the side" always hurt, always crying, never feeling like my actions and love are returned to me in the same measure given, alone on friday and saturday nights, and more days and nights crying my eyes out. always missing him, always longing for more, never enough. always feeling slighted and sick to my stomach. If and when I break up with him, I will then cry my eyes out for who knows how long, feel my heart being ripped out of me, and feel empty inside.  I will not only lose my lover, but my best friend. My only friend at work, my only friend in life. I will be heart broken.  If he does leave his wife for me, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Like I came and took what didnt belong to me. Even if that isnt technically true, because there are two of us involved and it woiuld be his decision, I'll always feel that way.  and the pain inflicted on his family would come back to me as if I did that to them.  Who can live with that?

So I figured the best and only option in this scenario is to love him enough to let him go.  As painful as it will be I have to let him go.  It pisses me off when i try to and he runs back to me and sucks me back in but I have to be strong enough to resist him and his captivating eyes. his eyes are amazing. When you look into them especially when hes standing outside and the sunlight hits them, they look like tropical waters. This color:

I need the strength to resist him! He causes me too much pain! Luckily I met someone else who I have become friends with and I think I will pursue him more and let the muffin man go. I have done nothing but love him and pour my heart and life into him. For nothing! For an abortion that went against my beliefs and still haunts me to this day! I still think about it all the time.  "How many months would I be now? How big would my stomach be?" It will forever haunt me.  And I was naive to think he'd actually man up to it but he didnt.  He'll never stand up for what he wants. It hurts me to think one day he may look back at his life and be miserable at his choices and regret a lot. I dont want to live in regret and I always made it a point to never do anything I'd regret.  And that abortion ruined it for me. But no more. Im done with this shit. Time to move on.

the higher you go the harder you fall

It really sucks when you want to comfort the love of your life in his time of need but you can only give so much... Because he's married and you are a secret. I can only be there for him so much, but I can't reeeally be there. I can't sit with him and hug him, listen to him, be there, take care of him.... I can't lay with him in bed at night I can't rub his back, give him a massage, kiss him... I can't! And this hurts so badly because I just want to love him and I can't! I have to love him from a distance! Its like my love for him is bursting, and he's putting the lid on tighter. He's so hurtful. Just fuckin be with me or get out of my life! Let me find someone who will LET me love him!

im back...

I don't know why I haven't been blogging.  not sure if its because the muffin man has been attempting to keep his walls up, or because i have been, or because I havent been feeling well. I dont know, i just didnt feel like writing. i have two good stories to share.  two fridays ago, I had my therapist at 6.  but i had gotten off of work at 4. It had been raining all day.  I love the rain. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, the feel of it.  i love the gray clouds and the mist it makes in the air so you cant really see much.  its all a mystery.  i love how the rain is the same as it was 1000's of years ago.  people and times change but the rain is the same.  same smell, same sound.
anyway, so the muffin man and i hadnt been with each other since the cell phone incident and he expressed to me that he was dealing with a lot of guilt.  so as usual, he sends me on a roller coaster ride where he attempts to push me away, which inevitably starts fights and pain and confusion.  but hes confused every single day. his heart wants to be with me but his head tells him no.
it was a wonderful day. we skedaddled out of work and went in his car.  i told him i just wanted to be with him even if it was sitting in his car talking.  we hadnt spent time like that in a few weeks. so we found this abandoned parking lot that a woman at work told me about that she goes to with her part time lover. Then he showed me a radio station he had found on satellite radio. it was a french station and they were speaking french.  he had found 2 stations. it was pretty special because he remembered them... just for me. and put it on... just to make me happy. which it did. we were making fun of them trying to imitate their accents. another thing i love about him... being silly like that.
then he jokingly did that cute yawn and stretch so his arm went over me but he couldnt do it in the car.  we laughed.  and then i climbed on top of his lap and sat facing him, as we had out arms around each other. he held me as he succumbed to his feelings. he really tried to NOT kiss me but his feelings are so strong he cant deny them.  so sad he has to try and deny himself. SO SAD!  He finally kissed me. and kissed me...and kissed me... it was like a relief to let that emotion out. his kisses said so much. Its a non-verbal language that he reassures me every time how deep and strong his feelings are for me. We talked and kissed for about an hour. mostly just kissing. I remember he took my hand in his hand and kissed it near my thumb. He kissed it with this sensual loving kiss.  i actually watched his face as he did it. it was such a huge act of love i cant even describe it! then i said "you really love me." And he said, "mmm hmm," as he nodded. "does it make you feel better to say it out loud?" he asked.  "yes it does!"
Then just as I was thinking it, I swear I had the thought a minute before he said it, he says, "this is romantic isnt it? the rain, the radio.." my god he read my mind.  I could not have been in a happier place.  In HIS arms, with HIS kisses, the french radio in the back round, in the rain. With his love for me pouring out in every touch and kiss.  I had butterflies. I couldnt be more in love with someone. Anyone! Hes just amazing.
I love everything about him. the good, the bad, the annoying... hes just an amazing person who has so much love to give and lives in this torment every day like i do.  We talked about it a few days later. We both agreed it was a special and amazing time together.  The words he used to describe it were: special and tender.

The second story i will have to blog later. I dont even remember what it was.  I think it was going to be about the last time we were together? We got in a fight last week (surprise surprise) and I had had it.  I told him we were DONE! and as usual when i cut him off he couldnt handle it.  BECAUSE HE CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT ME! And I cant live a day without him! And we had amazing sex Tuesday night...

Also, Id like to point out one more thing. He rises to every challenge I give him. I had told him a month ago that it was not right that I should have all the responsibility in birth control.  If hes so worried about me getting pregnant HE should know when Im ovulating! Why should it be all MY responsibility? So when I told him I had just gotten my period, he asked me how many days do you count to see when I'm ovulating. It meant a lot to me that he did that. So I said here lets count them on the calendar together! Now he knows and is just as much responsible as me. Hes such an amazing person. Imagine how AMAZING he would be if he was MINE and ALL MINE?? This is why I wait.  This is why I have hope that MAYBE just MAYBE he'll be mine one day. Id be the luckiest and happiest girl alive I can tell you that.

imagine this

You're married. You are in love with your lover. You're at their house, trying to resist each other because you have to go. You have your coat on, ready to walk out. But then you look at each other and have to have that last kiss. You take them in your arms, lay them down on the bed and kiss them. Quickly in the rush of emotions you undo each others pants, pull them down and fully clothed you become one. The connection is strong as usual and you are moaning in enjoyment! Just as you are in the middle of finishing,you hear your cell phone had dialed someone and there's a voice on the other line!!! Oh my god! Who did it call? Who was the last person dialed? What did they hear?

Imagine what that would be like!

wicked game

I asked my muffin man if he read my blog. He did. And??? I asked. Muffin Man: Tore my heart out to read a lot of it. Why is that? I really wanted to know why exactly. Muffin Man: How you talk about all these wonderful things we'd do together.

And yet... He still won't be with me. (Sigh) I'm so confused. I'm so so so in love with him, my heart yearns for him, my soul longs to be one with him, my body craves him! Yet I am forcing myself to be practical and make the logical decision to move on. I think the reason this is so hard for me is because I am not like that naturally. I am the type of person who jumps in and risks everything. I give everything I have with no fear. I'm not afraid to love or to have my heart broken. I stick it out to the bitter end taking more and more pain because its better to feel the pain of not being able to be with my lover than to feel the pain of loneliness. He's NOT the only one I'll ever love. He's the only one I WANT to love!

Oh why does it have to be like this??? Why god why did I meet him and fall in love only to get my heart broken?? Its like a cruel game you play! Like an evil temptress lures a man by lust and desire only to get caught in a trap and end up dead.

Reaching for something so close but never mine. So right, but ends up wrong. Like chris issac's song: I never dreamed I would meet somebody like you. I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. what a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you!

Why?


Why?


Why can't I be with him???


Why??


When we look at each other our souls connect. We can feel it. Its so real. So deep. So amazing. So wonderful. But maybe we're not meant to be. Maybe it was not God at all.

I just want to be with him and love him forever. That's all I want! If I had him all the other pieces would fit together! He fulfills me in so many ways. He gets me through things. Hes my BEST FRIEND! I just want him to give me the chance to be his! I want to be his happiness and his love.

This is awful. :-(

all the things he'll never do with me

There are so many places and things I want to do and explore with my muffin man that I never will. Because he doesn't want to get a divorce. Because he is pretty much pinning me up against his kids. And when you do that, the kids will always win. But neverteless I feel like writing my dreams. Maybe there's a man for me out there who would love to do them with me!

1. I've always wanted to take a road trip down through georgia to alabama across texas new mexico and all the way to california. Then fly back home. It would be soooo fun with him because we would site see, stick out like a sore thumb, they'd call us "city folks" as I've been called before down south... We'd have sex in every state. We would inevitably fight and be threatening to turn the car around and go home. Then we'd be kissing and making up as we passionately would make out. I can see it now. We get in a fight over something stupid. I complain about the music because I always have to control the radio. He's get sick of me being so controlling. I'd throw a fit if he changed it and complain so much I'd be so unbearable to him that he'd have to change it back. He'd yell at me, tell me how selfish I am, and not talk to me. It would end in me crying and him being furious. LOL! It would be great! We'd end up finding something to distract us, look at each other, and see the man/woman of our dreams in each others eyes. Our lips would touch, and the electricity would rush through our bodies. Our hands would be all over each others bodies as we couldn't get enough of each other. Then he'd punish me for my temper tantrums. I'd have to obey all his commands. He'd make me take my bottoms off, and play with myself while he was still driving. He'd make sure to drive by everyone he could to make sure they saw. Then when he was done getting off on that, he'd make me get on my knees in the passenger seat and bend over and suck his dick. Again, making sure everyone knew I was there for his pleasure. I'm wet just thinking about this.
Then we'd stop at some random little quaint places to eat and finish the job in the bathroom where he'd fuck me until I screamed.
We'd travel through each state, drive a convertible, exploring this great country we live in. I want to see where the old time musicians got their start. I wanna go to bars and meet people! I wanna hear the blues and jazz in little clubs. We'd walk in the rain, visit street fairs, sit on the hood of the car and talk, make love in the desert... Its one of my dreams.

2. I find it interesting that I have a burning desire to go to france and that he took french in school and not only took it but mastered it. I want to go explore france. I want to travel around to figure out where I lived and where my soul yearns to be. I want to wake up in the morning, walk downtown to the fresh bakery, or have breakfast at a little cafe outside as we Smell the air and watch the people. I want to buy fresh flowers and watch the artists paint. I want to see the fashion district and all the artists expressing themselves. I wanna see the burlesque shows and the sexy french men's eyes and wonder what they think about women as they are very passionate lovers. I want to see the history and the museums and old mansions. I wanna see the palace of versailles. I want to buy some antiques from there to take home. I wanna stay in a little bed and bath outside of paris, go to sleep in the arms of my lover as we make love once again. And he'll look deep into my soul as he cums inside me. I want to drink our way through champagne, as they give complimentary glasses in the stores. I wanna have a little picnic on a hill overlooking the vineyards and lay back and look at the sky. And again make love. I wanna see the stars over paris! I wanna be on a rooftop and see the eiffel tower from our view. That silent beauty is breathtaking. I need to find who I was and how I know my muffin man from there.

3. I just wanna go to a spa for the day! Get the mud wraps, the massages, the steam room, the pool... Make love everywhere. Then take a nap, take a shower, get dressed up, go to dinner. Are there any men out there who would like to do this with me??? Because this one can't.

4. Ah... Tahiti. I MUST stay in a hut over the water. I wanna take a boat to a secluded spot on an island and make love... of course. Sex is so amazing and fun. It never gets boring when you explore. I want to have sex in the water, on the beach, in the bed, the shower, everywhere! I wanna lay in the sun where I have no worries other than getting sunburned. I want to have drinks, Kiss, talk, sleep, have those silent conversations where we look at each other and read one anothers souls like a book. I want him to tell me everything about himself. Every memory, good or bad, every thought, every fear, every dream. I want him to be completely vulnerable so I can love him. And he'll know he's safe with me. He can be himself and I'll never judge him. I'll always be loyal faithful and loving.

He means the world to me. And yet he'll never be with me. But I won't lose my dreams. One day ill find someone who wants to be on the receiving end of my unending, unfailing love. That will be my true soul mate. Where my dreams will be reality not fantasy. I will keep dreaming for hope is all I have. I just wonder... WHERE IS HE????

my devastating love story

How can you be so completely in love with me and crazy about me yet not want to be with me?

I realized something though. His wife is not my competition, his kids are. I can never compete with that. So since he thinks in order to keep his kids happy he must stay with the wife, he will never be with me! Never! I can't compete with that! And should I really have to? My love for him is so strong I'd do anything for him, and in fact have. He means everything to me. And unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same in return. I have put myself in his shoes so many times, and I when I truly am in his situation, I think, I can't leave them. At least not for a while. And this is the reality. I will never be with him. And if I were to wait, how long do i have to wait? Until I'm 40? And he's 53? No thank you.

Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating love story. One with an unhappy ending. Until I find someone who will not only NOT throw my love away but who will cherish it and make me number one. Not make me compete with their kids and wife. He will certainly regret it. But I have to face my reality.