I realized something though. His wife is not my competition, his kids are. I can never compete with that. So since he thinks in order to keep his kids happy he must stay with the wife, he will never be with me! Never! I can't compete with that! And should I really have to? My love for him is so strong I'd do anything for him, and in fact have. He means everything to me. And unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same in return. I have put myself in his shoes so many times, and I when I truly am in his situation, I think, I can't leave them. At least not for a while. And this is the reality. I will never be with him. And if I were to wait, how long do i have to wait? Until I'm 40? And he's 53? No thank you.
Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating
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5 comments:
Good for you!!!!!!!
I am sooo happy to read this You deserve it. And you will find someone you love just as much.
I ended it after 4 years and have met a wonderful single man... I'm already falling in love!! I see the same for you my friend!! Go for it, you wont regret it, I tell you!
SA
Part Time Lover, this is a miracle, that you have found the reality of your situation. Only having reached this point in time can you now plan your new path. I am praying for you every day.
Secretia
It's a devastating love story. I realize it, too. I'll never have him. He's given up hope of us ever being more (think he always guarded his heart more than I did)and I finally have decided I have to take it day by day and stop living in the future that just won't happen. I, too, have never loved like this before so my heart is breaking. I miss him, but, for once am glad for the distance. I've resolved to loosen the hold he has on my heart and rejoin my life and my kids' lives and stop feeling so wronged by the life I chose. I'm tired of the tears. I wish for you to find someone like SA, but I realize how difficult it would be for you to let go as well. Just like me, it will take a lot of time to gradually let go I believe. Good luck always. EG
You should not have to suffer like this. Love does not make you hurt like this.
Any man that actually tries to convince you to abort his child when you don't want to is not the man for you. If you were truly meant to be together, he would be meeting you half way.
I know it seems like I am judging you, but I am not. It's just that from where I stand all I see is your pain. I don't see him in the picture, just you in pain. It's not right.
If you would just allow yourself to move on, you could end up with a single man who can give you the world.
There are many reasons someone may be unwilling to end an unhappy marriage. Now matter how close you become, you can never completely understand the dynamic of his marriage. But the thing is, his marriage is not your problem, it is his.
Yours is about deciding what is good for you. If what you need is someone who is all yours, then if he loves you, your lover will not stand in your way.
I am in a similar situation to your lover. Not that it is about children, but that I will not leave, and I have a single lover who knows that. But here is the difference.
I have never led her on with the promise, or even hint, that someday it would be only us. I have made it clear that my affection for her is not conditional upon her being my lover. And if she decides to move on, I will put on a brave face and tell her how happy I am for her.
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