I asked my muffin man if he read my blog. He did. And??? I asked. Muffin Man: Tore my heart out to read a lot of it. Why is that? I really wanted to know why exactly. Muffin Man: How you talk about all these wonderful things we'd do together.
And yet... He still won't be with me. (Sigh) I'm so confused. I'm so so so in love with him, my heart yearns for him, my soul longs to be one with him, my body craves him! Yet I am forcing myself to be practical and make the logical decision to move on. I think the reason this is so hard for me is because I am not like that naturally. I am the type of person who jumps in and risks everything. I give everything I have with no fear. I'm not afraid to love or to have my heart broken. I stick it out to the bitter end taking more and more pain because its better to feel the pain of not being able to be with my lover than to feel the pain of loneliness. He's NOT the only one I'll ever love. He's the only one I WANT to love!
Oh why does it have to be like this??? Why god why did I meet him and fall in love only to get my heart broken?? Its like a cruel game you play! Like an evil temptress lures a man by lust and desire only to get caught in a trap and end up dead.
Reaching for something so close but never mine. So right, but ends up wrong. Like chris issac's song: I never dreamed I would meet somebody like you. I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. what a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you!
Why?
Why?
Why can't I be with him???
Why??
When we look at each other our souls connect. We can feel it. Its so real. So deep. So amazing. So wonderful. But maybe we're not meant to be. Maybe it was not God at all.
I just want to be with him and love him forever. That's all I want! If I had him all the other pieces would fit together! He fulfills me in so many ways. He gets me through things. Hes my BEST FRIEND! I just want him to give me the chance to be his! I want to be his happiness and his love.
This is awful. :-(
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3 comments:
You can feel the pain in your comments. Good luck in dealing with this. It certainly has to be difficult for you. I wish there were some easy answers.
FD
I think you are right, you must move on.
You are in my prayers.
Sincerely, Secretia
You ask why, but you already know the answer.
It is always, always, about you. Taking care of you. It has to be that way, because in the end, nobody else can.
If he left his wife for you, he might try to take care of you, but as much as someone cares, they can never be the be all end all for anyone else.
So you must choose what you can live with, what will be best for you, and your daughter, and act on that.
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