confused...

i dont know what i want. im still in love with and willing to wait to muffin man but i also know that will take a long time. im not sure what kind of man i want either. i dont know if i want a man with money because i dont want to be dependent on HIS money, i want to make my OWN. but then again if he has money maybe he could help me do what i actually want to do.  but then i'll always feel like i owe him, or indebted to him. i hate that feeling. a couple people said thats MY problem and i need to deal with that or ill never find anyone.  i dont know.  i clearly have problems...

i struggle between wanting to have my own business and working and being successful and being a wife. i feel like im from the 30's/40's and want to take care of my husband like they did then and through the 50's. i wish i had a husband i loved who i could take care of the second he walks in the door. spoil him when he comes in and take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet and the place is clean when he gets home. i think that is very important, however, all i think of is how many men cheat on their wives with exciting wild women which i tend to be. the other woman. i definitely have a fear of my husband cheating. I WONDER WHY!

and its so hard to find someone to do all the things with me that i want to do. its so sad that mm would do MOST things with me, but cant. it really shouldnt be hard to find someone to take me to a burlesque show, or to fantasy fest in key west, or to a janiva magness outdoor concert in the city... i think those things are fun! it IS hard to find someone to go to a 30 seconds to mars concert in A.C. though. i need someone who gets the art of them. or of other things. and someone who is adventurous enough to explore other stuff. and someone who doesnt treat me like shit but someone who isnt pathetic and too eager. its so frustrating. i could find so many guys who would love to do all those things and who are attracted to me and theyre all fuckin married! ASEUIYDVNJSDJKFHLKJGHLSKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!  I honestly dont know what to do... im pretty much about to give up on ever finding the right guy for me.