went on a date last night with the guy i was talking about. the one who's in love with me that i am not feeling the same way towards. Especially since I am in love with the muffin man! went to the city to see Brian Regan. He paid for these tickets for us. $60 a piece. Paid for the whole evening.


Tell me if I'm a snob.

Every other guy I go out with would drive in the city and park. They would pay for the entire evening. I find it sexy when a man can drive in the city. I have major anxiety issues and should probably be on medication for it but I'm not. I absolutely HATE public transportation for the mere fact I hate "catching a train" taking a dirty smelly subway when I have no clue where I'm going, I feel so bad for all the poor people I cant help, it really bothers me when I see men sitting and not giving their seats up for women children and the elderly, and I hate having to be places at certain times. It makes me a nervous wreck! So usually I go into the city with a man who drives me in, we go where we are going, and get there early so we dont have to rush, or we just stroll into a restaurant and take our time and leave.

This one, however, tells me he's coming at 6 to get me, rings the bell at 5:58, which totally pisses me off... I wasnt ready! My outfits were all horrible. "I'll be too cold!" "I look fat" "too dressy" Too casual" ''too uncomfortable" etc! I was rushing like a lunatic and by the time we start to leave I am already having such bad anxiety I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I was sick the whole car ride. Mainly because I knew we were driving to a train station! then we had to take the train to the city, then a subway to Lincoln Center. I take the train when I go see my uncle in the city, but theres no time pressures! i tell him "I'll be there between 1 and 4!"

so we miss the first train. my fault. he said it was ine there was another one in 20 minutes. So im sitting in the train station, feeling sick, cant breathe, needing a shot of alcohol! we take the train to the subway where they were working on the tracks and we were totally delayed! Had to take a cab to lincoln center. Anyone ever notice how the cabs wreak of sweaty ass when you get in? why is that? I snet the muffin man a text while i fantasized about giving him a blow job in the cab, and was texting the other guy i go out with who drives me telling him he spoiled me! anyway we rush to get there and just made it on time. I got a shot of rum to relax and went in the show.  I dont want to be with a guy who barely has money. Is that a horrible thing? I have struggled with money my whole life and if I could be with someone who had money I'd rather have that than a poor guy. or a mediocre guy. I dont need a millionaire! trust me. Im not a gold digger. Im just saying I can choose what type of guy I fall in love with. Why not choose a guy who has enough money to drive into the city?

We were in the theater and I'm thinking to myself "ugh. We're in the city and can't even go out and do something fun! I dont have the money to pay for us both and I feel guilty spending his money! Now I have to schlep on a friggin train and subway again." I didnt complain to him because how dare i complain when he paid for it all. My sister told me I complain and sound completely ungrateful about things when people do things for me and I conciously tried to NOT complain. But I was cringing inside. Does this mean I'm high maintenance? or a snob? or a bitch? or a brat?

The men who spoil me never feel bad when I complain. They just tell me to shut up and get over it. They say "youre so annoying" or "youre such a brat" and they couldn't care less. obviously, since they continue to take me out. Maybe my problem is I really didnt want to be with him! Maybe if I was in love with him it wouldnt matter if we were on a train! YES!!! thats IT!!! I took a train with my muffin man and I kissed him the whole time and even had my hand in his pants! I wouldnt have cared where we were or what we did! as long as I was with him! oh my god! revelation!

ok what should i do???