The problem is we work so well together because we care about each other. We see each other every day and we have feelings for each other. But I feel at work, the way he does in his marriage. Yes its mot the happiest it can be and its not ideal and there is pain mixed in, but its not so unbearable that I have to leave. Where am I going to go in this economy? I love my job and get paid a decent amount and he pays for a lot of extra things on top of that for me.
Lately though, its been kind of weird. It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day. Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I appreciate you very much . I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?
Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot. I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!
I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me. I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him. I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.
I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him. Which I cant really do right now. I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.
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3 comments:
You have a good therapist. If you're not ready to move on, you're not ready. Don't beat yourself up. Just do what feels right in your gut. And good luck in your future. Since none of us have walked in your shoes, only you can know what is righta about you.
FD
I agree with florida dom. You do whats best for you.
I just want to see you happy! U r may favourite blogger, I just love your posts. I wish he was single and available because it sounds like you two are great for one another. Shame about the circumstances
Keep us updated!
SA
This is a very unique predicament you're in. It sucks that it's real for you. But as far as your writing, you really have a compelling story. I'm a fan
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