true reality

So I believe I said something about my feelings being like a rock that couldnt be swayed? uh, not quite.

Last night I sent him a few bbm's. He read them and never responded.  Only because he couldnt, not because he chose not to. But it really upset me because that was like what? four hours? and then after being upset about that, i send him a last bbm, and his phone was shut off! I HATE when he does that (which he rarely does for the reason that it bothers me!) because the FIRST thing he sees in the morning is some nasty message I left him because I was pissed.

So sure enough, the first thing I heard from him this morning was "you werent really serious were you ?" which is his way of saying "how dare you even say that" and long story short, we were annoyed at each other all day and had our roller coaster of emotions. Mad, not mad, laughing, ignoring, back and forth back and forth. He said "love you too" a couple times.  I caught it! It was his subtle way of making a big statement with a little comment. I'm not going into it now but its a big deal.  I catch all those little things he does and says because its his way of communicating.

But today ended pretty badly. I was completely annoyed at him at the end of the day. He was laughing which is good, becaus ei need that.  But I just walked away. And then I made a stupid move. I went back to my desk to intercom him in his office because I had one las tthing I wanted to tell him.  I cant even for the life of me remember what it was. And he says "hold on a sec" And what was he doing??? listening to his voicemail. and what did I have to fuckin hear??? "Hi hon, it's 4:15...."

"GOODBYE!" I slammed the phone down and stormed out as I cried my eyes out. My stomach was turning!  All I kept thinking to myself was "how stupid am I? THIS is fuckin reality! Maybe those bloggers are right and I'm wrong. Why should I have to be in so much pain while he tries to decide what to do??"

I cried almost the whole way home as I ran through his schedule for the next month thinking of how LITTLE time he has for me and how he has no room for me in his life! This weekend hes away, next week he has meetings and his daughters basketball, I'm getting surgery on Feb 8th, and he cant see me either the weekend before or after, which IS Valentines Day.  But thats a joke anyway because he doesnt celebrate it. And his kids are off school so thats out.

WHEN IS THERE TIME FOR ME??? I DON'T FIT IN HIS FUCKIN LIFE! I cant sit around doing nothing either. I will not!  I refuse to! I have PLENTY of guys who hit on me constantly! I think I'll think about going out with some of them. It makes me SICK. I don't want to!  I want him and only him! It makes me sick to even think of another guy touching me. I feel like they are intruding. Even if another guy talks about me, or tries to get to know me, or tries to make me laugh, i feel like "I'm not yours! I don't belong to you! don't touch me! you have no right!" because I am his. but the reality is... hes not mine. and it LITERALLY MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH!