Tuesday, March 23, 2010
the higher you go the harder you fall
It really sucks when you want to comfort the love of your life in his time of need but you can only give so much... Because he's married and you are a secret. I can only be there for him so much, but I can't reeeally be there. I can't sit with him and hug him, listen to him, be there, take care of him.... I can't lay with him in bed at night I can't rub his back, give him a massage, kiss him... I can't! And this hurts so badly because I just want to love him and I can't! I have to love him from a distance! Its like my love for him is bursting, and he's putting the lid on tighter. He's so hurtful. Just fuckin be with me or get out of my life! Let me find someone who will LET me love him!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
im back...
I don't know why I haven't been blogging. not sure if its because the muffin man has been attempting to keep his walls up, or because i have been, or because I havent been feeling well. I dont know, i just didnt feel like writing. i have two good stories to share. two fridays ago, I had my therapist at 6. but i had gotten off of work at 4. It had been raining all day. I love the rain. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, the feel of it. i love the gray clouds and the mist it makes in the air so you cant really see much. its all a mystery. i love how the rain is the same as it was 1000's of years ago. people and times change but the rain is the same. same smell, same sound.
anyway, so the muffin man and i hadnt been with each other since the cell phone incident and he expressed to me that he was dealing with a lot of guilt. so as usual, he sends me on a roller coaster ride where he attempts to push me away, which inevitably starts fights and pain and confusion. but hes confused every single day. his heart wants to be with me but his head tells him no.
it was a wonderful day. we skedaddled out of work and went in his car. i told him i just wanted to be with him even if it was sitting in his car talking. we hadnt spent time like that in a few weeks. so we found this abandoned parking lot that a woman at work told me about that she goes to with her part time lover. Then he showed me a radio station he had found on satellite radio. it was a french station and they were speaking french. he had found 2 stations. it was pretty special because he remembered them... just for me. and put it on... just to make me happy. which it did. we were making fun of them trying to imitate their accents. another thing i love about him... being silly like that.
then he jokingly did that cute yawn and stretch so his arm went over me but he couldnt do it in the car. we laughed. and then i climbed on top of his lap and sat facing him, as we had out arms around each other. he held me as he succumbed to his feelings. he really tried to NOT kiss me but his feelings are so strong he cant deny them. so sad he has to try and deny himself. SO SAD! He finally kissed me. and kissed me...and kissed me... it was like a relief to let that emotion out. his kisses said so much. Its a non-verbal language that he reassures me every time how deep and strong his feelings are for me. We talked and kissed for about an hour. mostly just kissing. I remember he took my hand in his hand and kissed it near my thumb. He kissed it with this sensual loving kiss. i actually watched his face as he did it. it was such a huge act of love i cant even describe it! then i said "you really love me." And he said, "mmm hmm," as he nodded. "does it make you feel better to say it out loud?" he asked. "yes it does!"
Then just as I was thinking it, I swear I had the thought a minute before he said it, he says, "this is romantic isnt it? the rain, the radio.." my god he read my mind. I could not have been in a happier place. In HIS arms, with HIS kisses, the french radio in the back round, in the rain. With his love for me pouring out in every touch and kiss. I had butterflies. I couldnt be more in love with someone. Anyone! Hes just amazing.
I love everything about him. the good, the bad, the annoying... hes just an amazing person who has so much love to give and lives in this torment every day like i do. We talked about it a few days later. We both agreed it was a special and amazing time together. The words he used to describe it were: special and tender.
The second story i will have to blog later. I dont even remember what it was. I think it was going to be about the last time we were together? We got in a fight last week (surprise surprise) and I had had it. I told him we were DONE! and as usual when i cut him off he couldnt handle it. BECAUSE HE CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT ME! And I cant live a day without him! And we had amazing sex Tuesday night...
Also, Id like to point out one more thing. He rises to every challenge I give him. I had told him a month ago that it was not right that I should have all the responsibility in birth control. If hes so worried about me getting pregnant HE should know when Im ovulating! Why should it be all MY responsibility? So when I told him I had just gotten my period, he asked me how many days do you count to see when I'm ovulating. It meant a lot to me that he did that. So I said here lets count them on the calendar together! Now he knows and is just as much responsible as me. Hes such an amazing person. Imagine how AMAZING he would be if he was MINE and ALL MINE?? This is why I wait. This is why I have hope that MAYBE just MAYBE he'll be mine one day. Id be the luckiest and happiest girl alive I can tell you that.
anyway, so the muffin man and i hadnt been with each other since the cell phone incident and he expressed to me that he was dealing with a lot of guilt. so as usual, he sends me on a roller coaster ride where he attempts to push me away, which inevitably starts fights and pain and confusion. but hes confused every single day. his heart wants to be with me but his head tells him no.
it was a wonderful day. we skedaddled out of work and went in his car. i told him i just wanted to be with him even if it was sitting in his car talking. we hadnt spent time like that in a few weeks. so we found this abandoned parking lot that a woman at work told me about that she goes to with her part time lover. Then he showed me a radio station he had found on satellite radio. it was a french station and they were speaking french. he had found 2 stations. it was pretty special because he remembered them... just for me. and put it on... just to make me happy. which it did. we were making fun of them trying to imitate their accents. another thing i love about him... being silly like that.
then he jokingly did that cute yawn and stretch so his arm went over me but he couldnt do it in the car. we laughed. and then i climbed on top of his lap and sat facing him, as we had out arms around each other. he held me as he succumbed to his feelings. he really tried to NOT kiss me but his feelings are so strong he cant deny them. so sad he has to try and deny himself. SO SAD! He finally kissed me. and kissed me...and kissed me... it was like a relief to let that emotion out. his kisses said so much. Its a non-verbal language that he reassures me every time how deep and strong his feelings are for me. We talked and kissed for about an hour. mostly just kissing. I remember he took my hand in his hand and kissed it near my thumb. He kissed it with this sensual loving kiss. i actually watched his face as he did it. it was such a huge act of love i cant even describe it! then i said "you really love me." And he said, "mmm hmm," as he nodded. "does it make you feel better to say it out loud?" he asked. "yes it does!"
Then just as I was thinking it, I swear I had the thought a minute before he said it, he says, "this is romantic isnt it? the rain, the radio.." my god he read my mind. I could not have been in a happier place. In HIS arms, with HIS kisses, the french radio in the back round, in the rain. With his love for me pouring out in every touch and kiss. I had butterflies. I couldnt be more in love with someone. Anyone! Hes just amazing.
I love everything about him. the good, the bad, the annoying... hes just an amazing person who has so much love to give and lives in this torment every day like i do. We talked about it a few days later. We both agreed it was a special and amazing time together. The words he used to describe it were: special and tender.
The second story i will have to blog later. I dont even remember what it was. I think it was going to be about the last time we were together? We got in a fight last week (surprise surprise) and I had had it. I told him we were DONE! and as usual when i cut him off he couldnt handle it. BECAUSE HE CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT ME! And I cant live a day without him! And we had amazing sex Tuesday night...
Also, Id like to point out one more thing. He rises to every challenge I give him. I had told him a month ago that it was not right that I should have all the responsibility in birth control. If hes so worried about me getting pregnant HE should know when Im ovulating! Why should it be all MY responsibility? So when I told him I had just gotten my period, he asked me how many days do you count to see when I'm ovulating. It meant a lot to me that he did that. So I said here lets count them on the calendar together! Now he knows and is just as much responsible as me. Hes such an amazing person. Imagine how AMAZING he would be if he was MINE and ALL MINE?? This is why I wait. This is why I have hope that MAYBE just MAYBE he'll be mine one day. Id be the luckiest and happiest girl alive I can tell you that.
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