confused...

i dont know what i want. im still in love with and willing to wait to muffin man but i also know that will take a long time. im not sure what kind of man i want either. i dont know if i want a man with money because i dont want to be dependent on HIS money, i want to make my OWN. but then again if he has money maybe he could help me do what i actually want to do.  but then i'll always feel like i owe him, or indebted to him. i hate that feeling. a couple people said thats MY problem and i need to deal with that or ill never find anyone.  i dont know.  i clearly have problems...

i struggle between wanting to have my own business and working and being successful and being a wife. i feel like im from the 30's/40's and want to take care of my husband like they did then and through the 50's. i wish i had a husband i loved who i could take care of the second he walks in the door. spoil him when he comes in and take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet and the place is clean when he gets home. i think that is very important, however, all i think of is how many men cheat on their wives with exciting wild women which i tend to be. the other woman. i definitely have a fear of my husband cheating. I WONDER WHY!

and its so hard to find someone to do all the things with me that i want to do. its so sad that mm would do MOST things with me, but cant. it really shouldnt be hard to find someone to take me to a burlesque show, or to fantasy fest in key west, or to a janiva magness outdoor concert in the city... i think those things are fun! it IS hard to find someone to go to a 30 seconds to mars concert in A.C. though. i need someone who gets the art of them. or of other things. and someone who is adventurous enough to explore other stuff. and someone who doesnt treat me like shit but someone who isnt pathetic and too eager. its so frustrating. i could find so many guys who would love to do all those things and who are attracted to me and theyre all fuckin married! ASEUIYDVNJSDJKFHLKJGHLSKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!  I honestly dont know what to do... im pretty much about to give up on ever finding the right guy for me.

pathetic

my phone wont let me post anymore and im pretty upset about it.

so im still working there.  still sleeping with him, but ive met other guys and slept with other guys and im pretty much over it. im using him for sex in the meantime til i find someone else. his pathetic cowardly weakness to follow his heart is such a turn off. he cant make up his mind, he doesnt have the strength to push thru what he has to in order to get what he wants, and hes satisfied in the misery.  pathetic. i dont even want him anymore. and i noticed hes the same way at work. he has never ONCE followed through on something he promised me or suggested.  not one fucking time! i said i needed $40 to cover my rent check and he said hed give it to me. next day, didnt even have $20.  didnt have a thing to give me. I told him ill never ask him for a thing again. Thats something i desperately NEEDED!! he disgusts me.

im just so over it. i met a HOT SEXY 23 year old who wants to take me out and let me tell you, that boy knows how to take care of me. he was amazing. he would grab my hair and throw me up against the wall and kiss me softly in a teasing way. actually respects me enough to take me OUT before he sleeps with me! only made out. he is SEXY!

also been talking to a guy i went to high school with. single. good job. great personality. EXTREMELY good looking. he invited me to see him so i hope it works out. i really do. but i have to LOWER my expectations because all i do is get disappointed.

my ex married boyfriend, the rich millionaire cane to see me in his fancy car.  told me how much he regrets letting me go. how he has this fancy penthouse in the city and all this money but hes lonely a could be and how if he wasnt married hed scoop me up and let me do whatever i want ands take me around the world.  now i can tell you he is very sincere and makes good on a promise. but im not interested anymore. NOT INTERESTED! im tired of the whole thing. i dont even know what else to say about it.

and thats that...