Wait til you hear this one...

It was a year ago that I found out I was pregnant, and waited to tell him until he got back from hos trip to Florida to visit his parents. And I had the abortion I still regret in October, and was depressed until exactly this time.  A year ago today I went ot see that psychic who was so unbelievably amazing. She prayed for me and the heavy weight was lifted off of me that night.

Well I have been bleeding for for a couple weeks now, and went to the dr. Turns out I am pregnant again and havign a miscarriage. This time when i told him, I didnt wait til he went away. And he was amazingly calm.  I tried to post my bday card and what he wrote to me and what he said to me but I hit something and it was gone.  I didnt have the patience to retype it. Basically, he is changing as a person and owes it all to me. Well lucky me that hes a better person and I'm in pain.

Anyway I was crying a lot when i found out I was pregnant. 1. i was scared 2. i couldnt decide what to do again. 3. we are idiots!  then I found out I was having a miscarriage and then i cried again because i was scare that I did permanent damage to my body! I think i had one sometime this year but i dunno. I didnt bleed at all today and the nurse said pray you bleed otherwise you need a dnc.

And in the midst of all this... I MET A NEW GUY! FINALLY!!! I have a great story about how I met him!!! I went to Las Vegas for a weekend and I met him on the plane going from Phoenix to Vegas. He is tall dark and handsome. Sexy, young, and fun! Finally, I met someone to distract me from "Mr. Dead End."  He lives in Charlotte, NC. I will write the whole story in another post bc it is a great story.

In the meantime, I wait to see if I will bleed, get a DNC, or have a miracle baby. I will keep you posted.

Beautiful Disaster

so my birthday is coming up this wednesday. Here is my schedule for the week. Tuesday nt he is bringing me as his guest to his networking group's Christmas party, Wednesday is my bday, and he usually takes me out to lunch, then we have our company christmas party, then we are going to a yoga/meditation class, then to see his friend play in his jazz band since I love jazz. Should be a good day providing I dont cry.  I usually do because I'm so sad I can't be with him. Thursday or Friday nt we were supposed to go to this restaurant I want to go to but I told him if he can't do it I'll be ok since Wednesday I'll be with him all night.

Last week we went to dinner with a prospect and first and foremost, the guy is coming in to open an account this wednesday. Secondly, we stayed after it was over, at the table. He is afraid to tell me the words "I love you" this past year but he replaces it with "I appreciate you" and "I'm crazy about you" Just tell me you love me because you do!!  Besides, I can see it in his eyes! It pours out of him.  He stared at me with those beautiful green eyes pouring out rivers of love.  DO you know what I mean? Has anyone seen this?  Its incredible. He says "where do all these feelings for me come from?" "I dont know!  Its just so strong! Im crazy about you!" So I asked him back "Where do YOURS come from?" "I dont KNOW! But theyre there, and they're strong"

Well great. But you cant be with someone youre that in love with??? Then I started to cry. The thought of his wife and kids and how I'm a secret, is so painful I cant contain those tears. It just hurts so badly.  He told me "I really hope you understand I know how you feel! I feel the same way! I dont wear my heart on my sleeve like you do, but I am in pain too. I'm crazy about you! I feel trapped in my situation just like you"

Did that make me feel better? Sort of. Not completely.

I did this meditation yesterday that dealt with self-sabotage. It started out with realizing how I sabotage myself.  One of the biggest areas is my love life. I thought to myself "I rob myself of happiness. Of a true and happy relationship."  Then it goes to digging deep to where the root of it is.  I could NOT find the answer. I know I have feelings of  unworthiness and never being good enough. But I couldnt find where it came from. Then we went to picturing myself in this happy place being completely successful in the area I am dealing with. I pictured myself with HIM! I tried to picture myself with another man.  I thought about this man I always dreampt of. I remembered how I always believed there was a man just for me. Waiting for me like I am waiting for him.  I am a very unique person and I need a unique man. I am difficult and stubborn and I need a patient loving man.  But someone who makes me HOT! Someone like the muffin man. That night we walked out of the restaurant and just kissed and kissed. Ont he sidewalk, in his car... I attacked him. Kissed his face everywhere.  I love when he giggles when I attack him. I love him so much I am actually starting to cry right now writing this. Anyway back to the meditation. As I pictured this imaginery guy in my head, travelling with me to France, I kept getting a bigger, brighter, louder picture into my head of me and the muffin man on a beach, staring at each other. The warm sun shining, the peace around us, the feeling of complete satisfaction and unending joy. Then I would force myself to go back to the other guy in my head and that feeling would go away. I didnt know what to do. It was easy to picture him but I had to FORCE myself to think of someone else. Is it that I'm not ready to move on? Or do I believe he is my only happiness and I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way he does? If he could be mine, I guarantee I'd be SO happy. He is worth waiting for if I knew the wait would bring him to me.
Then it brought me to a point where I had to think about the good things I feel and what I get out of sabotaging myself. I feel in control. No one can control me.  I choose to stay in a fucked up situation. It was difficult though because he is my joy but also the sabotage to gaining that joy. You know what I mean? I am sabotaging myself of being with a lover who is my everlasting joy, yet the one I am sabotaging myself with, is the one I want to be my lover. Then I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Of course I started with the abortion. I cant forgive myself for that! I believe God forgave me but I cant forgive myself! WHY?
here is the mediation.  The site is amazing. I try to go to it daily.

http://store.debbieford.com/index.php?cPath=14_20#meditations

Meanwhile he has been meditating and filling his spirit with constant positive affirmation and he has been amazing with me. So nice, so patient, so understanding and loving. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Yet I love my job! What do I do?  This really is a beautiful disaster.
These words are perfect for me and him. Loving someone with that pain intertwined.  He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe, a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. (I am the friggin tradegy though) And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful? or just a beautiful disaster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY&feature=related

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM.

no i have not left him yet

The problem is we work so well together because we care about each other. We see each other every day and we have feelings for each other. But I feel at work, the way he does in his marriage. Yes its mot the happiest it can be and its not ideal and there is pain mixed in, but its not so unbearable that I have to leave.  Where am I going to go in this economy?  I love my job and get paid a decent amount and he pays for a lot of extra things on top of that for me. 

Lately though, its been kind of weird.  It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day.  Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me.  I appreciate you very much .  I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?

Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot.  I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!

I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me.  I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him.  I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.

I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him.  Which I cant really do right now.  I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.