i decided...

so... heres the latest.  

~he has a lot going on with his family and is one moody mother fucker
~i no longer have the energy or patience to keep giving while getting on half my return
~we had amazing sex monday because i was ridiculously horny
~he asked me if i was ovulating, i said possibly, yet he still came inside me.
~found out i was definitely ovulating until friday.  guess what. sperm lives inside you for five days.  i prayed about it saw myself with a toddler... um yeah no doubt i'm pregnant. after the third pregnancy, i have had enough. i REFUSE to keep killing my babies for this prick so he can continue cheating on his wife.
~i decided to break up with him. i'm done with this drama. 

so... in a nutshell....

i'm most likely pregnant, im dumping his pathetic ass, and im getting a new job to get away from him. 
 

you may be shocked at this post

Tuesday was muffin man's birthday. He came over after work for a couple hours because a. We never got to go to lunch and b. I wanted to spoil him and destress him like i usually do. He's been really stressed about his dads health and his family being neurotic about it. I felt horrible that it happened on his birthday but my feelings couldn't be contained any longer. For weeks I've been holding in my pain and anxiety about us. I finally bursted into tears telling him I can't do this anymore and we need to break up. I told him everything I said in the last post. He was heartbroken but because I am so completely in love with him I wiped my tears and kissed him all over and took care of him like I love to do. After all it was his birthday and I friggin broke up with the poor guy!! He said I didn't ruin it and he was amazed how much I love him that I always think of him.
Next day is wednesday. I told him we need to go see my therapist together (remember he knows her) and he had told me he would one day. I called her and asked her to move my appointment to that day if possible and told him he is going. I said you'd be at the gym at 6 so you're coming to see her with me at 6. End of story.
And he did! I was shocked. And not only that he couldn't have been more open! Long story short, she pulled out of him what he wants in this relationship and he told us he wanted to make it work and expressed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He asked me if I could wait for him to sort things out but without the promise that I would definitely be with him. I couldn't answer that. I said what if I wait and you tell me you're gonna work things out with your wife and you can't see me anymore? I asked him do you have any idea how that would crush me?
He promised to continue going with me and sort this all out. Clearly he loves me and quite frankly I was shocked. Seemed like a dead end to me. It meant a lot.
Now my next problem is the other guy I've been hanging out with!!!! This is getting sticky...

Its coming to an end now

Im pretty much at the end of my rope now. i've been analyzing this situation and what I came up with was that no matter what the outcome, it's bad. if i continue this, i stay the "girlfriend on the side" always hurt, always crying, never feeling like my actions and love are returned to me in the same measure given, alone on friday and saturday nights, and more days and nights crying my eyes out. always missing him, always longing for more, never enough. always feeling slighted and sick to my stomach. If and when I break up with him, I will then cry my eyes out for who knows how long, feel my heart being ripped out of me, and feel empty inside.  I will not only lose my lover, but my best friend. My only friend at work, my only friend in life. I will be heart broken.  If he does leave his wife for me, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Like I came and took what didnt belong to me. Even if that isnt technically true, because there are two of us involved and it woiuld be his decision, I'll always feel that way.  and the pain inflicted on his family would come back to me as if I did that to them.  Who can live with that?

So I figured the best and only option in this scenario is to love him enough to let him go.  As painful as it will be I have to let him go.  It pisses me off when i try to and he runs back to me and sucks me back in but I have to be strong enough to resist him and his captivating eyes. his eyes are amazing. When you look into them especially when hes standing outside and the sunlight hits them, they look like tropical waters. This color:

I need the strength to resist him! He causes me too much pain! Luckily I met someone else who I have become friends with and I think I will pursue him more and let the muffin man go. I have done nothing but love him and pour my heart and life into him. For nothing! For an abortion that went against my beliefs and still haunts me to this day! I still think about it all the time.  "How many months would I be now? How big would my stomach be?" It will forever haunt me.  And I was naive to think he'd actually man up to it but he didnt.  He'll never stand up for what he wants. It hurts me to think one day he may look back at his life and be miserable at his choices and regret a lot. I dont want to live in regret and I always made it a point to never do anything I'd regret.  And that abortion ruined it for me. But no more. Im done with this shit. Time to move on.