the fortune cookies

Yesterday there was a lunch meeting and they had Chinese food. So after it was over I ran in to get some fruit and fortune cookies. I definitely believe in fate, and sometimes I wonder if the cookie I take contains a fortune destined for me.  Who knows. But I do play the game where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune, just to make things fun. I thought everyone knew this game but shockingly, no one at work knew about it! I have now taught them all my silly game.

As I was walking in to the room, my muffin man just happened to be walking in behind me to do the exact same thing.  Get some fortunes.  He's the annoying type that cracks the cookie open, dumps it in the garbage, and just reads the fortune.  I think it says something about a person who does that. Those seem to be the people who are not the most generous people in life. They just want what's in it for them, ya know?

We both reached for cookies at the same time.  He opened his cookie, dumped it in the garbage and went right for the fortune.   Judging by his reaction, I knew he had a good one.

"What does it say?" I asked him.

"No way. I'm not telling you."

"Why?? Tell me!"

"No," he said, still shaking his head, "you'll have a comment about it"

I was sincere when i promised him I wouldn't make a comment, but the thought that I may snicker came across my mind.

"And don't make a face either!" He knows me well.

"Okay I promise I won't say or do anything! Just tell me!"

In the meantime, I opened my own fortune.

"HA!" I exclaimed.  "So true!"

Before he could ask what mine said I read it aloud.

YOUR LOVE IS SPECIAL. WHY NOT SHARE IT. ....in bed.

We both started laughing. "It IS," I said, and I most certainly DO!"

I love moments like that when he and I stop and picture ourselves in bed at the same time. For that brief moment in time, we have escaped to "our happy place" and it brings a smile to both our faces.

"Okay now tell me yours!" I cannot wait to hear what this fortune he was reluctant to tell said. I figured it would prove me right and him wrong about something. Finally he reads it to me.

BEFORE YOU RECEIVE, YOU MUST GIVE. ...in bed.

"Mmm, hmmm!!" I say with a sarcastic disappointed look on my face, "totall..." i don't even finish the word when all of a sudden he makes a shocked look on his face and i gasp. Oops!  I totally forgot my promise! I covered my mouth and said "sorry! sorry! I forgot!  i can't help myself!"

We opened some others, laughed a lot as we added "in bed" to all of them, and went back to our desks.

I thought about the irony of those two fortunes. Mine spoke of my love being special.  Something I really needed to hear. I do believe my love is special, but why do I choose to share it with someone who can only give half of himself?  Not even half!  I get the left overs.  The left over time in the office, the texting when no one's around, the 2 hours or so when he can come over that he is supposedly at the gym. It hurts so bad I don't know if its really worth it anymore.  I don't deserve that! But then i think how hes always there for me.  When i need him, he's there... to talk to, to listen, whatever I need. Sometimes I'm afraid to ask him for things, and sometimes I feel like the selfish one. Most of the time, he seems like the selfish one in my eyes, but when i think of how he is my friend, he is always giving.

Which brings me to my next point.  His fortune. "Before you receive, you must give." Let's explore this "in bed."
Honestly, he makes me feel unattractive sometimes because he doesn't explore or devour my body like every other man has. Guys love my body! They ravish me! But my muffin man... he waits for me to do the ravishing.  It seems that I feel more comfortable in the dominating role with him, and it just "fits", but he has no interest in exploring my body.  I have found spots on him that get him excited HE never even knew about.  And I know of spots on me that other men have found, and muffin man has NO clue about.  I don't think he even has any desire to know about them either. It really hurts...

His fortune is also apropos in that when I collect for charity, for example, I bring it to work and collect there. Again, he has no interest.  What a turn off. Seriously. You spend $200 a month to belong to a top of the line gym, but can't give $20 or even $5 to help someone in need? It bothers me. I am used to presents and gifts and cards... we're not talking big expensive things here, just a little something...often.  Show me you love me! IN SOME WAY!  JUST SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME! GIVE! MORE THAN YOUR EAR!

I have given him my whole heart, my time, my thoughts, gifts, little cards, letters, etc. I just wish he would do the same. I love him SO much... my love is SPECIAL... why not share it??? 

I am so hopelessly in love with this man... I don't get it.

EXPOSED

It's kind of weird that the muffin man reads my posts. Imagine you are at work, and your "boss" is also your best friend. And lover.

He knows me so well... He knows my work habits, my intelligence, my reactions, my goals, my education, my feelings, my habits, my hang ups, my issues, my naked body, what kind of lover I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of friend I am...

But my blogs are my deepest, most inner thoughts directly from my soul! My thoughts and feelings pouring onto the computer. Its easy to do that when your readers are strangers. (Which I didn't even expect to have by the way) I'm very open and honest and I hold nothing back.

My soul is exposed.

Now you can imagine the type of relationship we have that I could open myself up like that to him. It says a lot about him as well.

ACCEPTING
UNDERSTANDING
PATIENT
LOVING
GENTLE
COMPASSIONATE

I think this may be why I am dependant on him and put expectations on him he can't handle... I have completely entrusted him with my life.

But ya know what? He's taken care of me and always wants more... I don't wanna pass that up. At least not right now. I know I could feel that way about someone else. Someone single. Someone full time.

BUT I WANT HIM!!!:(

so i was thinking...

This love is taking up a lot of my energy. My thoughts, my time, my plans. And when I think about it... It's kind of stupid. What am I doing? Why do I put all of this energy into something that's going nowhere?

Its like filling the gas tank in a broken down clunker! Then jumping the battery and getting behind the wheel revving the engine over and over! Come on, go! START!

How stupid is that? I mean really... What am I doing?

(Obviously the roller coaster is on its way down now... Before long, we'll be back up again.)

Spimoni... that is me.

A fellow blogger wrote: "Will I always have an affair? Probably. I need that excitement of discovering someone new. The electricity between 2 persons, the wanting, the craving. After having a taste of it, I want more."

Wow. God, I pray that I will never be the "excitement" someone craves and nothing else. I understand the complications of everything but if my muffin man were to truly feel that way about me, i would be crushed.  I want to be "chosen."

It's like this:

Someone offers you vanilla ice cream. You like it! You love in fact! its a treat you indulge in, each night after dinner. years of this, you are in your routine. you expect that vanilla ice cream each night. you can always rely on it.  its comforting.

then one day someone else comes along and says, hey, ya know there are so many other flavors of ice cream! try them!  so you try chocolate, coffee, mint chocolate chip... you start to discover there are hundreds of flavors!  this excites you.  Then one day you get to a unique flavor, like spimoni. its pistachio, chocolate, and cherry mixed together... nuts, cream, chocolate, and fruit chunks... (that is me. a unique collection of flavors.)

this is your new flavor of choice.  it's more pricey and rare but you like it. you love it in fact! why go back to the plain vanilla?  this new flavor is exciting, decadent, thrilling... you discovered something so rare, so exciting,so different than what you ever knew.

then one night you open the freezer and see the vanilla sitting there. the memories, the comfort, the familiarity...

you think, hmm... that is my comfort ice cream.  always there when i want it. never disappoints me.  can put it on anything. maybe this spimoni will grow old and i won't care for it anymore, but the vanilla will never get old. so you decide you'll keep the vanilla, and have the spimoni on special occasions. when you want some excitement.

But one day... maybe the exciting flavor will become something new. a different flavor perhaps. who knows? 

I am Spimoni, no doubt about it. My muffin man's Spimoni.

"Will I always have an affair? Probably. I need that excitement of discovering someone new. The electricity between 2 persons, the wanting, the craving. After having a taste of it, I want more."

my deepest fear

Let's start with last wednesday night. We're at work, chit chatting in his office. I look in his eyes, he looks in mine... We want each other. NOW. So he rushes to my house. We're on my couch and probably within minutes, our lips touch. And its one of those kisses that is like a river of emotions flowing from his mouth to mine, with only a gentle touch of his lips to mine. A year ago, I told him: you have to kiss me like you're trying to tell me something! Now? His soul and my soul are taken away to a time we knew each other once before... A-ma-zing.
I was so worked up, I was ripping his clothes off licking and kissing him all over, holding his hands back over his head on the arm of the couch while I bit his inner thigh. I love when he yells ow! I don't know why I love it so much but I LOVE it! We were afraid to have sex because I had just had the abortion three weeks earlier and didn't have the ok from the dr yet, so I made sure to take care of him. It turns me on when he mudders phrases like "that feels so good" or "do you know how good you make me feel?" I was in the mood to just climb on top of him and fuck him like crazy! It was so satisfying though, flesh on flesh, grabbing, kissing, moaning, sweating, licking, sucking... I even got him to grab my hair and direct my mouth right where he wants it. It was hot.
Continuing to friday night... We were going to see a co worker play in his band. He came over to continue some more hot lovin'. The mood was different this time. He kissed me with more of a kiss that said, I love you, rather than I want you. And I showed him my love for him... With my mouth. :-) but all I wanted was to feel him inside me. So long story short... We played the "just for a minute" game. We knew what would happen. Why do we all play that game if we know it gets us in trouble?
Oh we made love. It's always amazing. Sex is so much better when you have that deep connection with the person. You just want to please each other and connect on every possible level.
Then we went to see the band. We left at different times. The plan was I leave first, he stays at my place an extra 20 minutes watching tv.

And here is where the story takes a turn...

My 13 year old daughter stops home to get clothes unexpectedly! AGH!! I turn around speed home call him, he hides in my closet, she sees his car... Busted. She was furious that I wouldn't even let her in the house. I panicked! She leaves, I come back in, and he says "I don't know how much more I can handle this"

My heart sank. I tried to explain that all single mothers deal with this and he eventually got over it. We went to the bar, I sat with him and another friend from work. It was so comfortable, we could actually be ourselves. I sat between his legs on his stool, put my arm around him, talked for hours. Our friend said we looked so cute, he had to tale a picture. I wish I could post it but I can't.

And here is my fear:

Finally right?

I was so happy and satisfied with my time with him, I didn't have that NEED and longing for him like I usually do. It scared me. Usually I have the need to speak to him but all weekend I lived my life as he lived his and I felt like if I didn't speak to him or see him anymore it wouldn't effect me.

WHAH???? How could I feel that way? What is wrong with me? And all I could think of was: does he feel the same way?

And THAT scared me!

Today he was distant, or maybe he was normal... I don't know. And after seeing him today, I imagined my life without him, and I started to freak out! Thus started our cycle again of how our fights begin and end. Begin with my fear of rejection and abandonment, and end in making love.


Rather exhausting.