my deepest fear

Let's start with last wednesday night. We're at work, chit chatting in his office. I look in his eyes, he looks in mine... We want each other. NOW. So he rushes to my house. We're on my couch and probably within minutes, our lips touch. And its one of those kisses that is like a river of emotions flowing from his mouth to mine, with only a gentle touch of his lips to mine. A year ago, I told him: you have to kiss me like you're trying to tell me something! Now? His soul and my soul are taken away to a time we knew each other once before... A-ma-zing.
I was so worked up, I was ripping his clothes off licking and kissing him all over, holding his hands back over his head on the arm of the couch while I bit his inner thigh. I love when he yells ow! I don't know why I love it so much but I LOVE it! We were afraid to have sex because I had just had the abortion three weeks earlier and didn't have the ok from the dr yet, so I made sure to take care of him. It turns me on when he mudders phrases like "that feels so good" or "do you know how good you make me feel?" I was in the mood to just climb on top of him and fuck him like crazy! It was so satisfying though, flesh on flesh, grabbing, kissing, moaning, sweating, licking, sucking... I even got him to grab my hair and direct my mouth right where he wants it. It was hot.
Continuing to friday night... We were going to see a co worker play in his band. He came over to continue some more hot lovin'. The mood was different this time. He kissed me with more of a kiss that said, I love you, rather than I want you. And I showed him my love for him... With my mouth. :-) but all I wanted was to feel him inside me. So long story short... We played the "just for a minute" game. We knew what would happen. Why do we all play that game if we know it gets us in trouble?
Oh we made love. It's always amazing. Sex is so much better when you have that deep connection with the person. You just want to please each other and connect on every possible level.
Then we went to see the band. We left at different times. The plan was I leave first, he stays at my place an extra 20 minutes watching tv.

And here is where the story takes a turn...

My 13 year old daughter stops home to get clothes unexpectedly! AGH!! I turn around speed home call him, he hides in my closet, she sees his car... Busted. She was furious that I wouldn't even let her in the house. I panicked! She leaves, I come back in, and he says "I don't know how much more I can handle this"

My heart sank. I tried to explain that all single mothers deal with this and he eventually got over it. We went to the bar, I sat with him and another friend from work. It was so comfortable, we could actually be ourselves. I sat between his legs on his stool, put my arm around him, talked for hours. Our friend said we looked so cute, he had to tale a picture. I wish I could post it but I can't.

And here is my fear:

Finally right?

I was so happy and satisfied with my time with him, I didn't have that NEED and longing for him like I usually do. It scared me. Usually I have the need to speak to him but all weekend I lived my life as he lived his and I felt like if I didn't speak to him or see him anymore it wouldn't effect me.

WHAH???? How could I feel that way? What is wrong with me? And all I could think of was: does he feel the same way?

And THAT scared me!

Today he was distant, or maybe he was normal... I don't know. And after seeing him today, I imagined my life without him, and I started to freak out! Thus started our cycle again of how our fights begin and end. Begin with my fear of rejection and abandonment, and end in making love.


Rather exhausting.