His Mother Knows...

Let me start off with this.  He went to see his parents in December and took my journal I gave him so he could read some stuff I wrote about him. Dreams I had, my personal entries of how I feel and how much pain I am in, and things psychics have told me that were incredible. VERY PERSONAL STUFF I would only let HIM see. He never got a moment alone to read it so he hid it. Then LEFT IT THERE BY MISTAKE! I am still waiting for his mother to mail it. "My mother won't read it. If I say please mail it back but don't read it, it's someone's personal journal, she won't read it." "Are you out of your mind??? Shes a woman, she's a yentah, and she's your mother! She's reading it! Good luck with that!"

This last month he's been pulling me back in and coming on so strong, like I said.  Skipping most of the detail, because I don't feel like writing a book, we went to Friday's for a drink after work on Thursday with some other coworkers. I drove him there so I could be alone with him for the short amount of time there and back. He wanted to skip it and go to my house but I said no. We went to dinner and had a great time.  Afterwards, I drove him back but we mutually wanted to park somewhere and have sex. I just wanted to kiss him so badly and feel his body against mine. I haven't felt him on me in a long time. So we ended up having sex crammed in my car. Me on top of him on the passenger seat. I held back my tears at one point because I love him so much. I held onto his neck so tightly he started to laugh and said "you're choking me" he knew I was trying not to cry. "you're afraid of losing me aren't you?" he asked. "mmm hmm," i mumbled in his neck as i sniffed.

Next night I have my therapist. I have 2 hours to kill after work so I asked him to go get a drink with me again so we could talk. So we go and talk about everything! He told me how his client was telling him his daughter was getting divorced and how he firmly believes in NOT staying married for the kids. And MM told me he didn't think that was a coincidence at ALL that he spoke about that. He talked about how he is scared of getting a divorce because of his fear of losing his kids' love and how he wants to live with me and do all the things we want to do together. He said "you know I will lose half of all my money right?" "I dont care! We'll make money together!" "I'll have to give half away, you know that right?" "dont care" "you love me that much huh?" "I do"
I told him "I think you really need to tell someone already. I think you need to tell your mother whats going on." "are you crazy? my mother?" "yes! she loves you more than anyone in the whole world. And you need to get this out in the open already!" We end up talking for so long that I missed my session.

Saturday morning.
He comes over. He has not been over in months! I couldnt wait for him to make love to me because I know how he feels about me the way he kisses me. During the foreplay, my mind was racing. I was feeling guilty and thinking about my new guy (who is not my actual boyfriend yet, but he still trusts me and I feel awful) I was thinking about his wife, and about if I should be with him, will I be with him, will he get cold feet, will he really follow his heart, etc.  The moment he became one with me it was the most amazing experience of my life. We are one spirit soul and body. I felt so connected with him and so close to him and like we belonged together. I was totally in love.  I was sucked right back in the web I've been in.

Monday morning we are at work. Everything's fine.  The phone rings, I pick it up. It's his mother. "hello dear. is my son there?" we chit chat for a moment and he picks up. I do not notice the conversation until he shuts his office door and starts yelling on the phone "YOU READ IT? I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" My heart starts pounding and I am so nervous. Please do not tell me she read my EXTREMELY personal journal! I eavesdrop on this hour and a half long phonecall and there is no doubt in my mind this is what happened. I heard him talking about his wife, about me, about his kids. Oh my fucking god. What am I going to do now? Should I talk to him? Should I not talk to him? Should I bring it up? Should I not? Finally I send him a text: she read my journal didn't she?  Finally when he gets off, he is sighing, slamming papers, not saying a word. I said "are you ok?" "yeah" "was I right?" "yep. It's ok though"

Finally I speak briefly to him about it at the end of the day because I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it. We tried to focus on work. He told me she wasnt mad. She wasnt surprised. She knew he has been unhappy the last 7 years. And her biggest concern was the turmoil he is in. "I told you she read it! And dont you find it interesting that I felt in my heart you should talk to her and she called 3 days later?"

Not only did he get this phonecall yesterday, he had a fever. He was sick yesterday and today with a stomach virus I most likely gave him. So its hard to read him because my first reaction is "he hates me. He's going to push me away again just like he has been." But I cant tell if he is, or if it's all in my head because I expect the rejection, or if he's just sick! It's torture. I emailed his therapist whom he has not seen in over a month bc of insurance issues, and said please call him. He desperately needs you right now.  He set up an appointment with him thank god.

Meanwhile I have my new man, who lives far away and I barely get to see him. I miss him terricbly. I am so needy of attention and affection it's a little ridiculous. But he is so patient with me and sweet to me. Our relationship is very surfaced rgiht now but I think all relationships staret that way, dont they? You get closer in time? I feel like I am not giving it 100% becasue I am still in love with this one! But to be brutally honest wiht you and myself, my biggest fear in life is that I will end up old and alone. I am scared that if I break away form MM, I will lose him forever. And I dont know if I'll find someone else forever. The new guy my not be the one either. I just don't want to lose MM because if he does go through with a divorce, I know i'll be happy with him. But then again can you really know that after two years? I dont know. Can you? I'm in turmoil....