imagine this

You're married. You are in love with your lover. You're at their house, trying to resist each other because you have to go. You have your coat on, ready to walk out. But then you look at each other and have to have that last kiss. You take them in your arms, lay them down on the bed and kiss them. Quickly in the rush of emotions you undo each others pants, pull them down and fully clothed you become one. The connection is strong as usual and you are moaning in enjoyment! Just as you are in the middle of finishing,you hear your cell phone had dialed someone and there's a voice on the other line!!! Oh my god! Who did it call? Who was the last person dialed? What did they hear?

Imagine what that would be like!

wicked game

I asked my muffin man if he read my blog. He did. And??? I asked. Muffin Man: Tore my heart out to read a lot of it. Why is that? I really wanted to know why exactly. Muffin Man: How you talk about all these wonderful things we'd do together.

And yet... He still won't be with me. (Sigh) I'm so confused. I'm so so so in love with him, my heart yearns for him, my soul longs to be one with him, my body craves him! Yet I am forcing myself to be practical and make the logical decision to move on. I think the reason this is so hard for me is because I am not like that naturally. I am the type of person who jumps in and risks everything. I give everything I have with no fear. I'm not afraid to love or to have my heart broken. I stick it out to the bitter end taking more and more pain because its better to feel the pain of not being able to be with my lover than to feel the pain of loneliness. He's NOT the only one I'll ever love. He's the only one I WANT to love!

Oh why does it have to be like this??? Why god why did I meet him and fall in love only to get my heart broken?? Its like a cruel game you play! Like an evil temptress lures a man by lust and desire only to get caught in a trap and end up dead.

Reaching for something so close but never mine. So right, but ends up wrong. Like chris issac's song: I never dreamed I would meet somebody like you. I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. what a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you!

Why?


Why?


Why can't I be with him???


Why??


When we look at each other our souls connect. We can feel it. Its so real. So deep. So amazing. So wonderful. But maybe we're not meant to be. Maybe it was not God at all.

I just want to be with him and love him forever. That's all I want! If I had him all the other pieces would fit together! He fulfills me in so many ways. He gets me through things. Hes my BEST FRIEND! I just want him to give me the chance to be his! I want to be his happiness and his love.

This is awful. :-(

all the things he'll never do with me

There are so many places and things I want to do and explore with my muffin man that I never will. Because he doesn't want to get a divorce. Because he is pretty much pinning me up against his kids. And when you do that, the kids will always win. But neverteless I feel like writing my dreams. Maybe there's a man for me out there who would love to do them with me!

1. I've always wanted to take a road trip down through georgia to alabama across texas new mexico and all the way to california. Then fly back home. It would be soooo fun with him because we would site see, stick out like a sore thumb, they'd call us "city folks" as I've been called before down south... We'd have sex in every state. We would inevitably fight and be threatening to turn the car around and go home. Then we'd be kissing and making up as we passionately would make out. I can see it now. We get in a fight over something stupid. I complain about the music because I always have to control the radio. He's get sick of me being so controlling. I'd throw a fit if he changed it and complain so much I'd be so unbearable to him that he'd have to change it back. He'd yell at me, tell me how selfish I am, and not talk to me. It would end in me crying and him being furious. LOL! It would be great! We'd end up finding something to distract us, look at each other, and see the man/woman of our dreams in each others eyes. Our lips would touch, and the electricity would rush through our bodies. Our hands would be all over each others bodies as we couldn't get enough of each other. Then he'd punish me for my temper tantrums. I'd have to obey all his commands. He'd make me take my bottoms off, and play with myself while he was still driving. He'd make sure to drive by everyone he could to make sure they saw. Then when he was done getting off on that, he'd make me get on my knees in the passenger seat and bend over and suck his dick. Again, making sure everyone knew I was there for his pleasure. I'm wet just thinking about this.
Then we'd stop at some random little quaint places to eat and finish the job in the bathroom where he'd fuck me until I screamed.
We'd travel through each state, drive a convertible, exploring this great country we live in. I want to see where the old time musicians got their start. I wanna go to bars and meet people! I wanna hear the blues and jazz in little clubs. We'd walk in the rain, visit street fairs, sit on the hood of the car and talk, make love in the desert... Its one of my dreams.

2. I find it interesting that I have a burning desire to go to france and that he took french in school and not only took it but mastered it. I want to go explore france. I want to travel around to figure out where I lived and where my soul yearns to be. I want to wake up in the morning, walk downtown to the fresh bakery, or have breakfast at a little cafe outside as we Smell the air and watch the people. I want to buy fresh flowers and watch the artists paint. I want to see the fashion district and all the artists expressing themselves. I wanna see the burlesque shows and the sexy french men's eyes and wonder what they think about women as they are very passionate lovers. I want to see the history and the museums and old mansions. I wanna see the palace of versailles. I want to buy some antiques from there to take home. I wanna stay in a little bed and bath outside of paris, go to sleep in the arms of my lover as we make love once again. And he'll look deep into my soul as he cums inside me. I want to drink our way through champagne, as they give complimentary glasses in the stores. I wanna have a little picnic on a hill overlooking the vineyards and lay back and look at the sky. And again make love. I wanna see the stars over paris! I wanna be on a rooftop and see the eiffel tower from our view. That silent beauty is breathtaking. I need to find who I was and how I know my muffin man from there.

3. I just wanna go to a spa for the day! Get the mud wraps, the massages, the steam room, the pool... Make love everywhere. Then take a nap, take a shower, get dressed up, go to dinner. Are there any men out there who would like to do this with me??? Because this one can't.

4. Ah... Tahiti. I MUST stay in a hut over the water. I wanna take a boat to a secluded spot on an island and make love... of course. Sex is so amazing and fun. It never gets boring when you explore. I want to have sex in the water, on the beach, in the bed, the shower, everywhere! I wanna lay in the sun where I have no worries other than getting sunburned. I want to have drinks, Kiss, talk, sleep, have those silent conversations where we look at each other and read one anothers souls like a book. I want him to tell me everything about himself. Every memory, good or bad, every thought, every fear, every dream. I want him to be completely vulnerable so I can love him. And he'll know he's safe with me. He can be himself and I'll never judge him. I'll always be loyal faithful and loving.

He means the world to me. And yet he'll never be with me. But I won't lose my dreams. One day ill find someone who wants to be on the receiving end of my unending, unfailing love. That will be my true soul mate. Where my dreams will be reality not fantasy. I will keep dreaming for hope is all I have. I just wonder... WHERE IS HE????

my devastating love story

How can you be so completely in love with me and crazy about me yet not want to be with me?

I realized something though. His wife is not my competition, his kids are. I can never compete with that. So since he thinks in order to keep his kids happy he must stay with the wife, he will never be with me! Never! I can't compete with that! And should I really have to? My love for him is so strong I'd do anything for him, and in fact have. He means everything to me. And unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same in return. I have put myself in his shoes so many times, and I when I truly am in his situation, I think, I can't leave them. At least not for a while. And this is the reality. I will never be with him. And if I were to wait, how long do i have to wait? Until I'm 40? And he's 53? No thank you.

Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating Let me tell you what loving him has done for me. I never wanted anymore kids and I certainly did not want a husband. I am so exhausted from doing everything myself I did not want to take care of more people. Until I fell in love with him. I saw that being married to someone you are truly in love with who is not only compatible for you but perfect for you, who is your best friend... Why wouldn't I want that? Right now I don't want to be with anyone other than him. But he is forcing me to. And as far as kids, when I got pregnant with his child in august, it was like this amazing gift inside of me. That ill mention again, I had to kill to protect his kids and mine. I just can't forgive myself for that. But to think of being with someone who has the capacity to love like he does, I only wish I could have met him before he was married. We could've been so happy together. The love I share with him, is absolutely nothing compared to anything I've ever felt before. And yet... I'll never have him. Its a devastating love story. One with an unhappy ending. Until I find someone who will not only NOT throw my love away but who will cherish it and make me number one. Not make me compete with their kids and wife. He will certainly regret it. But I have to face my reality.

my perfect valentine... with a not so perfect end

Imagine you're completely head over heels in love. You go out to a beautiful little french restaurant in manhattan with that person. You have the perfect table. Its romantic, its quiet, the food is great, you feel the sparks between you... You can be yourself with this person and feel relaxed, while at the same time you get butterflies when your lips touch. You exchange your written expression of your love for each other in cards that make you say "wow."
People tell you how cute you two are and how you make such a great couple. You look into the eyes of this lover of yours and see this well of emotion running over and seeping through their pores. You ask yourself what you ever did to deserve their love. They wonder where you came from and how they ended up falling so hard for you, so in love with you. Madly in love. Realizing they never thought they'd experience this.

You go back to your place where you express your love for each other even more. Every kiss says "you were meant for me," every touch says "I can't get enough of you." You feel their love for you thoroughly expressed as you are one. One soul, one spirit, one body...

That was my valentine date. It was beautiful. It was perfect and amazing. Then he left... To go home to his wife. That was nothing compared to the thought I had first thing this morning. "Uuuuummm.... Was I ovulating?" All morning I racked my brain trying to remember the first day of my last period so I could calculate it. As he was sending me text messages telling me how much he loves me and how crazy he is about me, I was very nervous.

I calculated. 16 days after. Peek ovulating time.

Now I'm freaking trying to figure out what the hell to do.