porn

ok i used to like porn and couldnt get enough of it. until I started researching sex trafficking. then i would see stuff and wonder "is she doing this because she likes it? or because she's being forced to?" I went to pornhub.com and clicked on "teen" category. the very first photo was an asian girl who looked about 11 years old! didnt even have boobs yet! not even mosquito bites! i couldnt believe it! what do people think when they see that? do they just try to ignore it? i dont get it. and why does the person who is so conscious of sex trafficking the one who sees that first??? i have seen some absolutely disgusting photos and horrifying videos. it doesnt even turn me on anymore! i cant even watch more than 2 minutes before my stomach starts turning and the lust i enjoyed turns to disgust and when i make myself cum i get tears in my eyes. its ruined for me! then i think about as i browse the 1000's of videos out there, how many videos are being made and how many people are being violated and how much SEX is going on in the world! my god, is it disgusting! it literally makes me sick. and I have no one to talk about this to because I dont want people knowing i watch porn!!!

its horrifying. and somewhat depressing i cant enjoy it...

just read some old posts... and wow.

I just read some old posts, and I sound like the biggest loser! I have ZERO self worth and self esteem, I am totally pathetic, and all my posts hold so much PAIN and torment! What a loser I am to put up with this dead end love for so long! And I cant thank you all enough for being SO sweet to me and compassionate and wishing me joy and peace and love. If that were me reading someone else's blog I would have told them straight up how pathetic they sounded.

I really need to move on. The good thing is that when I read the old posts, it makes me feel better to know I really have lost some of my attachment and hope. I have given up and my heart has become distant. I was hanging on with the last thin strand knowing HE will regret losing me. But I honestly feel like its too late now.

I read the blog entry about the holiday cards and the labels... NOTHING HAS CHANGED! He is STILL making me do it and he is still sending out the bullshit "picture perfect family" card! The only thing that changed is that I said I'd make the cards and send them. I have given up.  I just wish I didnt have to work with him and see him every day. Thats what makes it hard to let go! If I didnt have to see him every day, forget it. He'd be history.

I will continue to remind myself through my old blogs how much pain he brings me. As I read them I just wanna get him out of my life! Like I am reading it as an outside person. I laugh at my patheticness. I think I should just give this guy a chance that loves me because he treats me right and is always looking for ways to make me happy. And it makes him happy when i say hi or email him or hug him or cuddle with him. He has no clue the animal I am in bed... I think he'll be pretty happy about it should I choose to stop being a loser!

the client event

Regarding my last post, I spoke to my therapist. She is wonderful. She told me that when I give love it comes back to me. and it may not come back from him, but it will come back from somewhere else and to NOT stop giving what's in my heart because it will come back.  Meanwhile it has, but from someone else. Also, in the meantime, mm's eyes have been opened to what I do for him and he went out and bought me the Audrey 100 book with a note that said "I DO listen, I DO appreciate you, and my life would never be the same if you didnt do what you do for me day in and day out" It meant a lot to me. Especially relating to work. He gave it to me at work and it was an appreciation for all the work I do for him. He went at 9:30 at night to get it because he knew I'd absolutely love it and did I ever!! Perfect gift.

 this is my favorite picture. I actually make this face when I'm with him. The biggest compliments I got from quite a few people at work and home was "you look like her! especially that one!"

There are 100 pictures of Audrey in here and I have a few in my house hanging up.  Very thoughtful gift. VERY.

So Thursday night we had a client appreciation event which was dinner and a play. The Lion in Winter. I got to do the entire thing. The caterer, the room, the tickets, the invites, etc. I had a great time. The best part was him letting his walls down. I gave him a glass of wine right away and said "drink up so I can take advantage of you!" LOL! I amuse myself. The best thing he said that night before the show started was "I cant hide that I'm just captivated by you" I said "what?" just so I could hear it again! then at the show I sat next to him and he was really sweet. Held my hand, gently caressed it with his fingers, etc. Told me the young girl, mistress, in the play reminded him of me because she just lived to make the King happy. Loved him with all her heart and even gave him his wine the way I gave mm his wine only an hour earlier.

Later we kissed in the hallway and in the room we rented as we got the leftovers, and had sex in the back of my new car. Had to christen it, ya know?

I started to feel a little weird as we had sex. I dont know if it was that i was physically ill, or if it was my emotions. I'm really scared that I am going to move on and by the time he realizes he wants me, I will be gone. I know I think about the future and the "what if's" too much and thats enough to make anyone sick. I even told him that night, "you WILL regret losing me"

thoughts anyone?

the painful decision

I hate him so much. I think I'm gonna keep a knife or something with me and every time that fucking disgusting selfish prick comes to my mind or I am nice to him, or think I want to be with him, I have to remind myself he brings nothing but pain to me! I will just cut myself (lightly) to remind myself HE=PAIN! He is disgusting. nothing but a user and a coward. Maybe THEN i can GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD HE WILL NEVER BE WITH ME! I am a fucking IDIOT for thinking so!!!! He only brings me pain and misery!! He made me kill my baby and for that, he cannot be forgiven.  Not by me.

All this time I've tried to protect him and HIS feelings while sacrificing my own! I can GUARANTEE he will end up like all my exes and regret what hes doing... letting me go. He will come back like the rest of them begging me and crying and stewing in his own loneliness. No one cared or will ever care about him like I do. I have loved him with unconditional selfless love. I learned from Jesus how to love and how to give yourself completely and when you get spit in the face, love some more. I have loved him with everything I could,.  And I begged and pleaded with him to not let me go for the sake of his own future. And unfortunately he is too stubborn to listen.  By the time he realizes he wants me enough to give up what he needs to, I will have moved on! It will be too late for him. Its just so sad because I have held on so long just to protect him and I cant anymore.  I went into this with wanting to please him KNOWING I'd end up heart broken and I did it anyway. I waited and held on, and I've had my heart broken and shattered and just couldn't get through to him. And when I get over him and move on, and my heart is cold towards him, he will come back and it will be too late. He will realize later on he made the wrong choice but it will be over.  He will deeply regret it just like the rest.
Oh well. His loss. I will move on to someone who loves me first! Someone who treats me right. And he will live in regret. And I wont feel sorry for him. I will say "I told you so" He makes me sick to my stomach.  He never ever deserved an ounce of my love. Ever. He is a piece of shit that needs to be flushed down the toilet!
He disgusts me.

went on a date last night with the guy i was talking about. the one who's in love with me that i am not feeling the same way towards. Especially since I am in love with the muffin man! went to the city to see Brian Regan. He paid for these tickets for us. $60 a piece. Paid for the whole evening.


Tell me if I'm a snob.

Every other guy I go out with would drive in the city and park. They would pay for the entire evening. I find it sexy when a man can drive in the city. I have major anxiety issues and should probably be on medication for it but I'm not. I absolutely HATE public transportation for the mere fact I hate "catching a train" taking a dirty smelly subway when I have no clue where I'm going, I feel so bad for all the poor people I cant help, it really bothers me when I see men sitting and not giving their seats up for women children and the elderly, and I hate having to be places at certain times. It makes me a nervous wreck! So usually I go into the city with a man who drives me in, we go where we are going, and get there early so we dont have to rush, or we just stroll into a restaurant and take our time and leave.

This one, however, tells me he's coming at 6 to get me, rings the bell at 5:58, which totally pisses me off... I wasnt ready! My outfits were all horrible. "I'll be too cold!" "I look fat" "too dressy" Too casual" ''too uncomfortable" etc! I was rushing like a lunatic and by the time we start to leave I am already having such bad anxiety I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I was sick the whole car ride. Mainly because I knew we were driving to a train station! then we had to take the train to the city, then a subway to Lincoln Center. I take the train when I go see my uncle in the city, but theres no time pressures! i tell him "I'll be there between 1 and 4!"

so we miss the first train. my fault. he said it was ine there was another one in 20 minutes. So im sitting in the train station, feeling sick, cant breathe, needing a shot of alcohol! we take the train to the subway where they were working on the tracks and we were totally delayed! Had to take a cab to lincoln center. Anyone ever notice how the cabs wreak of sweaty ass when you get in? why is that? I snet the muffin man a text while i fantasized about giving him a blow job in the cab, and was texting the other guy i go out with who drives me telling him he spoiled me! anyway we rush to get there and just made it on time. I got a shot of rum to relax and went in the show.  I dont want to be with a guy who barely has money. Is that a horrible thing? I have struggled with money my whole life and if I could be with someone who had money I'd rather have that than a poor guy. or a mediocre guy. I dont need a millionaire! trust me. Im not a gold digger. Im just saying I can choose what type of guy I fall in love with. Why not choose a guy who has enough money to drive into the city?

We were in the theater and I'm thinking to myself "ugh. We're in the city and can't even go out and do something fun! I dont have the money to pay for us both and I feel guilty spending his money! Now I have to schlep on a friggin train and subway again." I didnt complain to him because how dare i complain when he paid for it all. My sister told me I complain and sound completely ungrateful about things when people do things for me and I conciously tried to NOT complain. But I was cringing inside. Does this mean I'm high maintenance? or a snob? or a bitch? or a brat?

The men who spoil me never feel bad when I complain. They just tell me to shut up and get over it. They say "youre so annoying" or "youre such a brat" and they couldn't care less. obviously, since they continue to take me out. Maybe my problem is I really didnt want to be with him! Maybe if I was in love with him it wouldnt matter if we were on a train! YES!!! thats IT!!! I took a train with my muffin man and I kissed him the whole time and even had my hand in his pants! I wouldnt have cared where we were or what we did! as long as I was with him! oh my god! revelation!

ok what should i do???