Friday, June 17, 2011
confession
Even though the psycho never ceases to hurt me or do something evil, i still miss the old him. the nice him. The one who smiled at me with love in his eyes. the one who made me laugh every single day. the one who let me go in his office and vent about the bitches i work with. The one who would tell me every day how I drove him crazy, or how i would be the death of him. Ha! Those words ring true i guess since everything is MY fault. I miss the way he kissed me and the way he would hug me with all his emotions. I miss the way he would get frustrated with me and laugh in surrender. I miss how he would buy me lunch every day. We would get in a raging fight and an hour later he was buying me lunch. I miss his hands and his feet and his smell. I miss the man i thought he was. I miss the man I pretended he was. Or thought he could be. I miss the fantasy of him i had. Now, even though I have his child inside me, I feel nothing. No connection. I don't feel a part of him at all. Shes all mine. She is God's mine, and my daughter's sister. She is a gift and a blessing and as far as I'm concerned she is nothing like him. She is my baby and I love her. I just wish he could have been half the man I pretended he was. It hurts badly.
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4 comments:
This sounds exactly like something I went through. (Except the being pregnant part.) It sounds like he was just as manipulative and evil as the man that tried to break me. Was he in a position of authority over you? A boss or something? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this shit. Is there any way you can get away from him once and for all?... I understand the conflicting feelings about it though. It's crazy how you can fall so in love with someone and then find out that they aren't at all what they seem.
Yes he was my boss.
W orksin a different location now because he harassed me so badly. I don't see him but w work at the company where I am stuck until I have the baby. He's pathetic. I thought he cared about me but his true colors came out.
Everything you said is true. Even though he's a dick, I think your true feelings how how he treated you back then will never ever go away. You're on a new chapter now, and there is nothing wrong with remembering the good in him back then.
Now, on to the he will support this child thing after the DNA and lawyer chat.
You're adoring fan,
Linda
Yes, your feelings are true, but you have cut the deep rooted ties to them. He is nothing short of a sociopath from all that you have described...he took advantage. But you seem very strong (that doesn't negate the vulnerable feelings...they will be there), and you will transcend this...and your daughter will be the best reflection of you for all that you have had to deal with and all you have learned.
On to the DNA and support he is responsible for...Linda is so right.
Hang in there...and don't feel badly about those lingering feelings about the man you thought he was. That's natural.
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