His emails from March

I actually cried when I read these because it made me think of how he used to love me. Or so I believed.  These are the emails we exchanged right after I told him I was pregnant and he screamed at me in the therapists office. It's so sad!!! Wh he has turned all of this not only into anger, but continues to deny his involvement as well as torment me still, is beyond me. He will never win. He tried to get me in trouble at work again. I will post that story in my next post. First, read these emails from him back in March.

March 11, 2011
From the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry about how the end of Wednesday's therapy session ended. As usual, my emotions about you got the best of me, and my anger came out more out of my own fears and feelings than anything else. I also realized, and of course I show it in the most fucked-up way possible, just how strongly I feel about you. And it scares the living hell out of me. Why I show my anger like that to the ones I care about the most is something I'm constantly struggling with and trying to work on, and I am truly sorry for how certain comments came out of my mouth. What I've also realized is just how much of a coward I really am, and how I don't even have a tenth of the strength that I thought I had. I'm sorry.


As incredibly angry as I acted in Dan's room the other night, the fact of the matter is that my feelings for you have not changed one bit. The reason I acted like a "lunatic", as you LOVE to call me (and probably very accurate) is that I am SO conflicted and SO confused and feeling SO tortured about my feelings towards you. You may think I'm a liar, or that I've somehow been "faking" my feelings for the past two and a half years to get what "I" want, but nothing could be farther from the truth. My feelings run so far and so deep, it is truly scary to me. Make no mistake about that. I have never been shown a love to me that was so deep as the one you have shown and given to me. If I have acted as though I take it for granted, I am sorry, because as I sit here writing this to you, I realize more than ever about the depth of the love you have shown, and I realize just how deep MY feelings have developed for you. I just want you to know this.

I'd like to write more to you later if you'd allow me. I gotta go for the time being.


March 14, 2011

All I've been doing the last two days is to beat myself up senselessly, and I sat in my office yesterday in an absolute complete daze. I'm sure I'll do the same today.


(from me)
All I keep hearing over and over in my head is "make no mistake! We

are done! Forever. I will never be with you"

That's enough for me to hear. You said it like three times. I have

never in my life been hurt so badly like that. Especially because I

have done nothing but love you with everything I had to give. But

that's what you want. So that's it then. We're done. There's really

nothing else to say at this point.



It's not a question of what I "want". Like I said, I fully recognize the depth of the love you have shown me, and, although you'll always compare your depth of love to mine, I have given you a depth of love that, as I view it from afar right now, is as deep as I have been able to have. But you have to know that how I said what I said in Dan's room the other night came out of the utter and complete torture that I feel every second of every day about my feelings for you, and how the torture in my own being has become too great, as well as the continued recognition of just how unhappy I am in my own life, and how fucking stupid and crazy I am to push away the one person who has done everything she possibly could to make me happy. I'm just a fucking completely pathetic excuse for a human being right now, and an incredibly cowardly person who is in a lot more turmoil than he cares to admit. I am not even half the man I thought I was. Just fucking pathetic. And all I do is think about you night and day. You can tell me all you want about "out of sight, out of mind", but, I'm honestly telling you that that simply is not the case. I carry around my feelings about you every second of every day. Make no mistake about it. And, as much as you have tried to make ME happy since we've known each other, I have, sometimes in admittedly very fucked-up ways, tried to do the same in return.

you do know that I've been tossing and turning every single night since last Tuesday, right? you do know that I'm not this cold-hearted person, and that i'm a person who is feeling as sick to his stomach as a person can feel in this circumstance, right? I can only imagine that it's probably only a tenth of the sickness that YOU have been feeling about it all, but please stop labeling me as just this cold-hearted person who could give two shits about you, your body, your life. it's just utter bullshit to throw those lines at me. you do realize that I have an itsy bitsy, teeny tiny right to feel upset and angry at the way you hid this from me, as much as you say you were waiting for the "right" time to tell me, and that you were trying to protect me, right? as fearful and upset as YOU are, I am just as equally upset. you need to know this. and alot of my thoughts and feelings, although coming out as anger in your mind, are really just alot of angst and fear on my part, fear of the unknown. to say to me "don't worry about it", to tell me that all i am is selfish, to say to me that all i care about is myself, is just simply not true. when you told me last tuesday night, my first gut reaction was to go right to the logic side of my brain, the practical side (maybe it's the financial advisor side of me, i'm not too sure), to say that, here you are, a brave woman who is constantly struggling to make ends meet, a woman who should be trying to make her life as easy as possible on herself, a person who needs to UNCOMPLICATE her life as much as possible, not complicate it more. i just don't get why you would want to add to your struggles. again, this is my left brain logical and practical side that comes out. i just want you to know all this. and i am not minimizing the absolute horror you felt about all this the first time around. I experienced first hand just how INCREDIBLY conflicted you were. My memories of that time period are just as vivid today as they were then.

And as much as you don't understand how i chose not to be with you, i equally don't understand why YOU are making YOUR choices. MY choice was really mostly out of putting an end to the sheer and utter TORTURE that you and I were putting ourselves through. and my anger in the session last Wednesday was more of a clear break of that absolute torture we were putting ourselves through than anything else. I wasn't angry at you, and I'm sorry that I may have made you feel that way. i mean, to see you shake and cry uncontrollably just ripped through to my heart. you have no idea. i just sat there silently, purposely not reacting, of course after my 3 or 4 second emotional outburst, because the level of my emotions were just too much for me to bear, I just couldn't think of any other way other than to sit there in silence. if you know me by now, you know that in moments of incredible stress, like it was in Dan's room that night, that my mind and mouth just completely shut down and grow silent. you are the exact opposite. your emotions were almost literally spilling out into that room. if you don't think that my heart was feeling as ripped apart as yours that night, you are crazy. I felt EVERY tear and EVERY shake of your body that night.