come away with me

How can I stand here
And look at you,
Without being ignited?
This fire inside me
Will never die
Can you tell me
Love isn't more real than this?

One look in your eyes
And time stands still
The smell of your skin
Takes my breath away
My heart beats violently
Inside of my chest
I cannot contain
This wealth of emotions!

So I ask you now,
I beg you please

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

You without me
Seems so foreign now
Emptiness fills your soul,
You need me like I need you.
The love you have for me
Knows no end
It extends further and further
To deeper dimensions.

My soul cries out
From deep within
Come be with me!
Where beginning meets its end.
The day will come
When u make the fatal choice
You'll be with me,
Or lose my soul forever.

So I ask you now
I beg you please,

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

so much love to give...but its to the wrong people

So I spoke to my therapist. We spoke about muffin man, and my deep rooted issues. She told me how he was feeling. Btw, they know each other. They are in a networking group together and he sees her every wednesday. I told him she showed me how he feels about me. And she told me that she shared with him that as exhausting as it is that I need him and asked him to be there for me through all of this. And when I told him, this was his response...

Muffin Man: You have no idea how hard is to be able to be your support system from afar (if you know what I mean).

Muffin Man: Not that I'm not willing to continue being supportive, but you also need to find other support systems in addition. It's a lot of pressure on me when it feels like I'm the only one you can lean on. I hope you don't take these comments the wrong way. I do care.

Needless to say we got in a fight because all he needed to say was I'm here for you. My therapist already told me that its a lot for him!!! He did not need to add that and make me feel rejected some more. Then he said he can't confide anything to me and I said have a nice life...etc... Awful.

And today I am trying to ignore him and not contact him at all but he is the closest person to me and I now feel so alone. I feel so bad if you read my f-ed up thought you'll see just how awful I feel.

I have all this love to give and I give it to the wrong people.

something interesting happened today

Something very interesting happened today. Since I've been rejected by my lover for a couple weeks now, I was getting very frustrated. And I'm a 31 year old sexual girl! I want to have sex! Sometimes my ovaries actually HURT because I need to have sex. And sometimes I am so stressed it releases all the tension.I have to remind muffin man I am not a 40 something year old soccer mom who doesn't care about sex!
So needless to say I've been practically begging him to come over and fuck me and he keeps declining. I told him I have other options and if he wants to push me away, then fine. I gave him a last chance and he rejected it.
So... A friend of mine whom I had been sleeping with for months at a time over the last few years is celebrating his birthday. For the last year he has been asking me to meet him on lunch break for a quickie. I denied him every time because I am in love with mm and don't want anyone else touching me. Until today. The plan was I meet him on lunch break. He was gonna do something mm NEVER does which is go down on me! if we did tit for tat, he owes me like 100 times! Not that he's that selfish of a lover he claims he doesn't like to do it. It makes me feel unattractive to say the least but I think he has no idea what to do! I mean how dare him?

Anyway... As I woke up this morning, I thought, oh god I don't wanna be with him! I don't want anyone right now other than the love of my life. I actually prayed to god this morning and said "god, please give me a way out of this. Send him far away on jobs where he has no time to get back my way. You promised you'd make a way of escape if we need one so please do this for me."

So I dressed pretty damn sexy for the office. I got stared at by EVERYONE. Very uncomfortable! I sent the bday boy probably about 5-6 text messages and because I needed to plan a lunch break. And I never got a single response! Not one! I have no idea what happened nor do I really care but wow. Very interesting. And when I saw my mm today I go tears in my eyes when I saw the love he has for me in his eyes. I told him today, "oh my god I love you so much I wish I could make it stop!"
I just can't turn this shit off!!

Now I'm all dressed sexy for no one. The mm had meetings all day out of the office. Such is life.

Today, I am satisfied

Surprisingly, I have had to work with muffin man the last week and we have gotten along so well.   The sales assistant i worked with got fired THANK GOD because she was just CRAZY but I have been overloaded with work.  Nine brokers to help. I work non-stop, no break, and run around like a nut.  It's a little overwhelming but the best part is, i am so busy I have no time to dwell on losing him.  Because I really have not lost him.  He loves me.  I can see it in his eyes how much he loves me even when he doesn't want to admit it. And all those little things he does for me?  NOT UNNOTICED! He has my heart and I have his.  I think he needs time to breathe.  Come up for air as I say, as he has been drowning in love.

My goal is to help him build his business so we can work together and be successful.  We make a great team in my opinion, because we care so much about each other... we constantly look out for each other and help each other. I intend to stay in his life for a while.

Today I took a breather in his office and after standing there doing nothing and saying nothing for a few minutes he gently asked "what do you want?" with that little smirk on his face, knowing I just want to be near him.  And I responded "What do I want?  I want you to want me!"

Silence.

Yet Peace.

He asked me another question "what are you looking for?" as i rummaged through his papers...I answered "dunno!" and every question after that?  "dunno!" Last night he read the last post and all the posts and yet had nothing to say... he commented on the fortune cookie blog, and when i asked "is it weird to see someone write about you like that?" his big answer was "dunno"  so guess what?  i gave it right back to him.

At least we can laugh about this very serious issue on our hands. I felt peace... I can't worry if I'll be with him or not.  I love him, he loves me, and I feel good about it. Yes I want him more, yes I want him to be my boyfriend like a real boyfriend, but today I am satisfied.

And did I mention??? I LOVE HIM!!!!

i dont know what to do

I am so heartbroken. I love him from the very depths of my soul. I imagine kissing him, I yearn to be with him, even just to be in his presence. When he is near me I lose my breath. My thoughts erase when he looks in my eyes. His kisses sooth my wounded soul, when he holds my hand I feel secure, and when he is inside me I feel complete. He is everything I love in a man. He's sweet compassionate, he defends me, looks out for me, protects me, makes me laugh every day, he teaches me and guides me, he listens to me, he gives all he can, and makes me feel kike the most important person in the world.

Then there's his other life. Where he does the same for them. He's a damn good guy. And I just don't know what to do! Its too much for him and I know he is completely in love with me and doesn't want to lose me yet he is weighed down by having the double life.

What do I do? Should I move on? I try to but a moment without him in my life and I feel like I can't breath. I can't eat I can't move. I'm lost. but maybe I should force myself to go through it to better his life. I said I'd do anything for him so maybe I should move on for his sake?

I am desperate for his affection and lost without his love. He has me so deep. I truly truly love him. I want to be with him so badly but this pain is getting in our way!!

I can't keep crying over this man. He is wonderful and amazing. And love isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel. So sad. I love you muffin man. I really really do.

what am i supposed to do with this?

I asked muffin man to tell me how he feels about me more often so when he can't be with me I never have to feel insecure. I have copied and pasted his response:

C, the issue here isn't that I don't care for you, which I hope you know I do, but the fact is my situation doesn't allow me to fully show you, either by more frequent intimate moments, or by being more 'available' to you as you need. Believe me, I hate disappointing you as I always seem to do, but the situation only gets harder and harder for me, and weighs more heavily on me on each passing day. And by saying this, I don't want to give the impression that you're a nuisance or a bother. It's just hard for me. I'm sorry that it is, but you want honesty and communication from me. And I realize I was able to be more frequent with our intimate moments earlier in this relationship, but it has gotten harder and harder for me as the time has passed. And I think you deserve more from a relationship than I've been giving you. I realize that, and it weighs on my mind ALL THE TIME how inadequate I've been as a boyfriend to you. I don't like feeling like a failure to you like that. Very frustrating. You have to know that it's not that I don't want to be with you, but more of because I can't, at least not the way I want, and, most certainly, not the way you want.

So... Basically he acts like his marriage is a prison that he can't escape. He truly loves me but chooses to stay in his "situation"

What am I supposed to do with that??? Very hurtful.

just a memory

Today was my ex boyfriend's birthday. Its funny how the one person all my exes eagerly wait to wish them a happy birthday is me. They all told me I made them feel so special. It starts to make them feel uncomfortable at some point, and when they don't have me anymore, they miss me like crazy and think of me every day! They call me out of the blue to say how they think of me every day and how much they loved me. Are you kidding me? These are the men who chose not to be with me!

Here's their brief history. Dave who's parents made him choose either me or them, a cutie from georgia who couldn't handle new yorkers, jeff who is twice my age and wanted to spare me heartache, and now my muffin man who is attempting to distance himself. All I ever am is a memory. The memory that haunts them every day.

Today was jeffs birthday. He said he turned his phone on and was hoping and wishing the phone would beep with the signal he had a voice mail. And when he didn't, his heart sank. But I called him at 1. He truly truly loved me. Just like my muffin man. The only difference was he was more vocal and not afraid to tell me how much he loved me. We used to have the most romantic dinners. For my 29th bday he bought me 2 ridiculously expensive watches, perfume, gift cards, a bed! I was sleeping on a futon and he bought me the best bed. Took me to little italy where we sat way back in a corner and stared at each other. I leaned over to kiss him and my boob hit my glass of red wine. Spilled all over his brand new shirt! He wasn't even mad.
My 30th, he took me to this restaurant I've always wanted to go to but couldn't afford to and even brought two friends of ours. One was the waitress we requested every time we went for brunch. We ate like kings and queens in the best seat there! One of the best nights and definitely the best birthday I ever had.
I truly loved him. And he broke my heart. And again I am just a memory. I am the girl they wish they could be with but "can't." So heartbreaking.
I would do anything to be with my muffin man but my fear is that ill just be another memory to him just like I am to all the other men who still think of me, its just not fair.

Its really not fair.

Well, happy 60th jeffy! I truly loved you and miss you.

it just doesnt go away

"The flame just doesn't go away" these were the words spoken by my lover Thursday night. Let me fill you in on the past week and a half. In my last past I was already mad at him about something, can't remember exactly what. I told him "I feel anger building up inside me. I really need to talk to you" and for over a week of this, he either gave me excuses, or just flat out ignored me! You can tell how upset I was in the last blog. But the confusing part was that through all this he was still doing these really sweet things for me! Buying me coffee, saving cookies for me in the lunch meetings, doing thoughtful sweet things he usually doesn't do. And I know him well enough to know that is not what he does if he feels guilty but that is his way of showing me he loves me and cares about me. So this confused me! I was feeling completely rejected yet I knew he cared.

My anger was internalized for so long that it was really taking a toll on me. My face was broken out, my anxiety was making me shake and I couldn't sit still, and I was crying at my desk at work! Someone would say something that normally wouldn't get to me, but by thursday I had to go to the bathroom and let my cry out in private!

Now I had finally gotten him to come over and talk to me with the choice of thursday or friday, and he chose friday. Finally when he saw the shape I was in, he asked me if I wanted to see him thursday instead of friday and I said yes. I was so thankful he was being sensitive to me.

So he comes over, and I finally got to ask what I needed to hear for two weeks.

"Who am I to you?"

I needed to know! Am I your girlfriend? Your part time lover? Your assistant you fuck when you feel like? Your friend with benefits?

He was making me feel like I was nothing to him. Nothing more than his assistant he bangs when he feels like. NOT TRUE. He reminded me that in the past year he has put walls up like this MANY times-every time he falls deep...

Or in my words, When he is drowning in love, he freaks out and comes up for air...

He explained to me that he opens himself up, falls deeper and deeper, and then flips out because he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to handle this. So as the vicious cycle goes, he puts up walls, I feel rejected, I get depressed and angry, we fight, we make up, we make love, and we fall deeper. It scares him. I can understand why, but the only thing that scares me is losing him. I am so so so in love with him.

So after our talk and my crying my eyes out, I gave him a hug and a kiss. Our kiss breaks down that wall in a split second. When his lips just touch my lips, there is passion and love pouring out of our souls. And he ended up kissing me all over. He asked me if I knew that he expresses his love for me when he's physical and I said "oh yeah, I can always tell!" I felt so loved. Every feeling of rejection and doubt was wiped away with each kiss he gave me. And as he kissed me he said "The flame just doesn't go away" "I know!" I said, "You are trying to turn off something that can't be turned off! Its impossible!" "So what do we do? We always end up right back here" "don't fight it!"

He keeps trying to fight it! You love me so just follow your heart and be with me for gods sake! Ok so you can't be with me right now but you can think about how to be with me eventually, no?

I truly believe with all my heart that he was my lover in a past life. I was taught that past lives are non-existent and "not of god" but I know I knew him and it was confirmed to me MANY times by different psychics. I will post more on that in another post but supposedly we were lovers hundreds of years ago. Imagine we have loved each other for hundreds of years. Passionate lovers meant to be together. You cannot shut that down! Cannot! How could you? And why would I want to?

I am so in love. So madly and deeply in love. I have drowned. And I don't want to be saved. I want to stay right here. With him! I love him so much that I can't even express it enough! Not in words or actions! It almost hurts me physically! Its like I have to get it out and can't!

Uuuuuugh!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

so over it

I'm really getting sick and tired of this shit. He ignores me at work and accuses me of distracting him, which is fine, I understand u need to stay focused, but why can't he take me downstairs with him when he goes to get lunch? You can't talk to me for 5 fucking minutes? Are you too focused then? NO! Its just an excuse. He's full of them!! Bullshit excuses and lies. Ok so you don't wanna talk to me at work, how about after work? Oh yes that's right you can't talk to me then either, too busy. Weekends? Nope too busy! Well fuck you! If you aren't interested leave me alone!
But he never does! This is the bullshit he does. He gives just enough to keep me swooning, yet never enough to actually commit to anything. And when confronted, its another excuse. I'm so sick of it! Its nowhere near a 50/50 relationship. Its 80/20. I get the leftovers like I said. Not interested anymore. Just not interested. I can't keep pulling him, and drawing from him, and begging, and pleading... He's not worth it and I don't deserve it.
He not only rejects me, he insults my intelligence and adds insult to injury with his excuses. Ugh... So over it. Screw him.