I asked muffin man to tell me how he feels about me more often so when he can't be with me I never have to feel insecure. I have copied and pasted his response:
C, the issue here isn't that I don't care for you, which I hope you know I do, but the fact is my situation doesn't allow me to fully show you, either by more frequent intimate moments, or by being more 'available' to you as you need. Believe me, I hate disappointing you as I always seem to do, but the situation only gets harder and harder for me, and weighs more heavily on me on each passing day. And by saying this, I don't want to give the impression that you're a nuisance or a bother. It's just hard for me. I'm sorry that it is, but you want honesty and communication from me. And I realize I was able to be more frequent with our intimate moments earlier in this relationship, but it has gotten harder and harder for me as the time has passed. And I think you deserve more from a relationship than I've been giving you. I realize that, and it weighs on my mind ALL THE TIME how inadequate I've been as a boyfriend to you. I don't like feeling like a failure to you like that. Very frustrating. You have to know that it's not that I don't want to be with you, but more of because I can't, at least not the way I want, and, most certainly, not the way you want.
So... Basically he acts like his marriage is a prison that he can't escape. He truly loves me but chooses to stay in his "situation"
What am I supposed to do with that??? Very hurtful.
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5 comments:
I always say what I think, because I believe that you want me to.
I suspect that he wants it to end, but he wants it both ways, as men often do.
Secretia
thanks Secretia, you are the only one who reads all my blogs and yes i appreciate your honesty. yes i agree with you. he wants to end it but when he does, he realizes he cant live without me. so WHY CANT HE BE WITH ME??? stupid!
I have not gone back and read all your old posts (I'll probably get to it though)so I don't know the whole history. But I can relate to this posts because for me, two things are equally true.
I continue to love my wife and only wish that she wanted to also be my lover.
Having established the relationship I have with my lover, I cannot imagine life without her. She is an important part of my life now.
So I find myself in the position of wanting to protect both relationships. And sometimes that means I do not get to see my lover anywhere nearly as much as I want.
It's me, married one again. I feel so inadequate coming to my love so many years later and being unavailable. It kills me that we're so far apart and I feel guilty being in my "prison" when our story started out so innocent and promising 20 yrs ago when we first met on that airplane when we were available. I am jealous and constantly hoping he doesn't find someone else. Believe me, muffin man would be jealous if you found someone else, but it does seem like he may be distancing himself. I try, too, but to no avail. Our feelings never left and only get stronger despite our situation and ocean apart. If we were to end it, I don't know if I could ever recover so, in ways, I feel as you do.
PS- this hasn't continued for 20 yrs. We only found each other again last year.
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