just a memory

Today was my ex boyfriend's birthday. Its funny how the one person all my exes eagerly wait to wish them a happy birthday is me. They all told me I made them feel so special. It starts to make them feel uncomfortable at some point, and when they don't have me anymore, they miss me like crazy and think of me every day! They call me out of the blue to say how they think of me every day and how much they loved me. Are you kidding me? These are the men who chose not to be with me!

Here's their brief history. Dave who's parents made him choose either me or them, a cutie from georgia who couldn't handle new yorkers, jeff who is twice my age and wanted to spare me heartache, and now my muffin man who is attempting to distance himself. All I ever am is a memory. The memory that haunts them every day.

Today was jeffs birthday. He said he turned his phone on and was hoping and wishing the phone would beep with the signal he had a voice mail. And when he didn't, his heart sank. But I called him at 1. He truly truly loved me. Just like my muffin man. The only difference was he was more vocal and not afraid to tell me how much he loved me. We used to have the most romantic dinners. For my 29th bday he bought me 2 ridiculously expensive watches, perfume, gift cards, a bed! I was sleeping on a futon and he bought me the best bed. Took me to little italy where we sat way back in a corner and stared at each other. I leaned over to kiss him and my boob hit my glass of red wine. Spilled all over his brand new shirt! He wasn't even mad.
My 30th, he took me to this restaurant I've always wanted to go to but couldn't afford to and even brought two friends of ours. One was the waitress we requested every time we went for brunch. We ate like kings and queens in the best seat there! One of the best nights and definitely the best birthday I ever had.
I truly loved him. And he broke my heart. And again I am just a memory. I am the girl they wish they could be with but "can't." So heartbreaking.
I would do anything to be with my muffin man but my fear is that ill just be another memory to him just like I am to all the other men who still think of me, its just not fair.

Its really not fair.

Well, happy 60th jeffy! I truly loved you and miss you.