it just doesnt go away

"The flame just doesn't go away" these were the words spoken by my lover Thursday night. Let me fill you in on the past week and a half. In my last past I was already mad at him about something, can't remember exactly what. I told him "I feel anger building up inside me. I really need to talk to you" and for over a week of this, he either gave me excuses, or just flat out ignored me! You can tell how upset I was in the last blog. But the confusing part was that through all this he was still doing these really sweet things for me! Buying me coffee, saving cookies for me in the lunch meetings, doing thoughtful sweet things he usually doesn't do. And I know him well enough to know that is not what he does if he feels guilty but that is his way of showing me he loves me and cares about me. So this confused me! I was feeling completely rejected yet I knew he cared.

My anger was internalized for so long that it was really taking a toll on me. My face was broken out, my anxiety was making me shake and I couldn't sit still, and I was crying at my desk at work! Someone would say something that normally wouldn't get to me, but by thursday I had to go to the bathroom and let my cry out in private!

Now I had finally gotten him to come over and talk to me with the choice of thursday or friday, and he chose friday. Finally when he saw the shape I was in, he asked me if I wanted to see him thursday instead of friday and I said yes. I was so thankful he was being sensitive to me.

So he comes over, and I finally got to ask what I needed to hear for two weeks.

"Who am I to you?"

I needed to know! Am I your girlfriend? Your part time lover? Your assistant you fuck when you feel like? Your friend with benefits?

He was making me feel like I was nothing to him. Nothing more than his assistant he bangs when he feels like. NOT TRUE. He reminded me that in the past year he has put walls up like this MANY times-every time he falls deep...

Or in my words, When he is drowning in love, he freaks out and comes up for air...

He explained to me that he opens himself up, falls deeper and deeper, and then flips out because he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to handle this. So as the vicious cycle goes, he puts up walls, I feel rejected, I get depressed and angry, we fight, we make up, we make love, and we fall deeper. It scares him. I can understand why, but the only thing that scares me is losing him. I am so so so in love with him.

So after our talk and my crying my eyes out, I gave him a hug and a kiss. Our kiss breaks down that wall in a split second. When his lips just touch my lips, there is passion and love pouring out of our souls. And he ended up kissing me all over. He asked me if I knew that he expresses his love for me when he's physical and I said "oh yeah, I can always tell!" I felt so loved. Every feeling of rejection and doubt was wiped away with each kiss he gave me. And as he kissed me he said "The flame just doesn't go away" "I know!" I said, "You are trying to turn off something that can't be turned off! Its impossible!" "So what do we do? We always end up right back here" "don't fight it!"

He keeps trying to fight it! You love me so just follow your heart and be with me for gods sake! Ok so you can't be with me right now but you can think about how to be with me eventually, no?

I truly believe with all my heart that he was my lover in a past life. I was taught that past lives are non-existent and "not of god" but I know I knew him and it was confirmed to me MANY times by different psychics. I will post more on that in another post but supposedly we were lovers hundreds of years ago. Imagine we have loved each other for hundreds of years. Passionate lovers meant to be together. You cannot shut that down! Cannot! How could you? And why would I want to?

I am so in love. So madly and deeply in love. I have drowned. And I don't want to be saved. I want to stay right here. With him! I love him so much that I can't even express it enough! Not in words or actions! It almost hurts me physically! Its like I have to get it out and can't!

Uuuuuugh!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!