venting

So the girl who sits next to me was out yesterday and today. Not one person came over to say hi to me. And the reason that bothers me is because when she is here, 3 or 4 girls come over to talk to her, and include me to be polite but I mostly try to mind my business. Especially since any time she's not here, no one speaks to me. I know it shouldn't bother me, because they are all mostly younger than me and they aren't the type of people I would go out of my way to hang out with either but it still bothers me.

Another thing that really pisses me off and hurts my feelings is that the asshole doesn't speak to me. After everything I've done for him. He thinks I ruined his life, but its not my fault he reacted the way he did. And I did a LOT of things for him! Meanwhile he goes about his business and his days as if I was never a part of his life. As if I never existed. It really upsets me. It hurts a lot. He completely abandoned me and pushed me out of his life. Out of sight, out of mind.
Granted, my life is so much less stressful without him, and that's the best thing for the baby, but its still hurtful how he can treat me like that.

I am currently looking for a part-time job working with event planners so I can do it for myself full-time. I want to have my own business and my other businesses within that business. I could make so much money. And make my own hours. It actually excites me, which is great considering how depressed I am at this place. And about a lot of things in my life. I have a plan but I just need the confidence to go out and do it.

Speaking of confidence I finally realized that I am not "normal." Never was, and probably never will be. I was always independent and intelligent as a child, and never fit in. I was an advocate of equal rights since I was 2! If I was hungry, I didn't ask for food, I went to the garbage can, because I saw food being dropped in there. Other times I would just go for the things left out. I knew it was food, I could get myself, and I didn't need anyone! My brother was a year younger than me, and when my family tried to make me get off the bottle, hell no! If my brother had a bottle, I had a bottle. Same thing with diapers. I wasn't havin any underwear! If he has a diaper, I have one. This carried on until I was in high school. Everyone had a clique. There were at least ten cliques in my grade. I refused to be part of one because I refused to portray I was better than anyone else in any way by conforming to a "group." No matter what, I couldn't do it. And where did that leave me? Lonely. Home on the weekends alone while everyone else was out with their cliques. I still can't do it now. Even at work. My mom always gave me good advice. If you want friends, let people talk about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves. I tried it. Made me unhappy and unfulfilled to find "friends" who were self absorbed. All those friends I made that way, guess where the are now!!! As soon as I let the real me out, they didn't like me! I wasn't there for them at their beck and call serving them unconditionally, and I started to live my own life. A life that they didn't like. Dating a married man, drinking,dancing. They all abandoned me. I can understand someone having a problem with me dating a married man, but I can accept it. I would accept all my friends if they did drugs, were gay, slept around etc. I wouldn't want them doing drugs around me, but I wouldn't abandon them because of it. Its just so hurtful that people can't accept one another.

I just feel so unfulfilled and lonely. That's why I wish the readers were close to me and could actually be my friends. To go to lunch with or to even come see the baby! But I have come to the conclusion, as I said, that I am not normal. I never will be. And its ok. I just have to find some things I like.

I saw this painter last weekend who was amazing. You should actually google him: david garibaldi. I spoke to him after his show and he totally inspired me. He shared is story about following his passions in life. Art and helping people. Now he makes thousands and thousands of dollars painting and helping people raise money at charity events and fundraisers. It inspired me to follow my heart and follow my dreams. And I'll tell ya, none of them point to this hell hole I go to every day. I don't know what's worse. Going to a job where you hate the work you do, or having no work and staring at the wall. Yesterday I did my bills and filed them all for about 2 hours. Today I brought the bills I had at home so I can file them with the others. It BLOWS. At least I have my phone with internet access so I can post this blog.

Anyway feel free to share things about yourself on my comments. It doesn't always have to be all about me...

my dream

This morning I woke up to a nightmare! I dreampt that I had a half black baby! And I realized it was alejandro's the dominican's! Then I started crying and saying "I ruined (D)'s life for a kid that's not even his!" And I also didn't want the baby. But I had to keep the baby because my daughter would be devastated if I didn't. I ran away crying and couldn't stop. I was saying "I can't go back to work! I can't let anyone see the baby!" It was awful. And my mom was there saying "I told you so" and I could not stop crying. Then I woke up.
Then I had to again remind myself, according to my due date, I would have gotten pregnant saturday jan 22nd. Not wed the 26th. And that saturday, douchebag came inside me. Along with all the other days we had sex. Except that wednesday. I THINK. I remember it was incredible and lasted a long time! And he even commented it was because he was meditating. Also, that sat and wed I begged him to fuck me. The ONLY time I ever beg him is when I am ovulating. I am out of control horny when I am ovulating! And esp that wed when I thought I did get pregnant which I probably and may have still gotten pregnant, I was so horny and I remember him just bangin me so hard I was sore later. I was most likely ovulating then too.
Therefore, I think I just have that shadow of a doubt in the back of my head like I did with that amnio. And everything was fine!!!

Someone came up to me at work yesterday and whispered, "are you making this douchebag pay for child support I hope?" I told him how I want him to have nothing to do with me or be in my life so I am seriously reconsidering. He replied with some advice similar to what I've been getting. To put all emotions aside, don't make a decision on those emotions and to put the best interest of the child first. The child needs and deserves to have their needs met. Reminds me of the blog readers' advice as well as my friends and family. I'm just really scared to go to court, I DON'T want him and his evilness around me or the baby, and I just want him out of my life forever. He still scares me!

On a brighter note, a woman who works in my building whom I walk in with every morning and ride the elevator with, asked me if I was pregnant. I guess I'm finally starting to show after 4 and a half months! In a week and half I'll be 5 months pregnant already! Yet only half way through. Seems like I'm moving along but I still have aaaall summer to get huge! Ugh!
Anyway thanks again for the comments. I wonder what ever happened to EG.

got my anticipated phone call

This morning as I was getting ready for my dreadful job, I had my phone sitting in the other room. I glanced at it as I walked by and noticed it was blinking. Its funny how we all get excited that we have a message on our phones but most of the time, its just some stupid junk email. But I check it anyway with hope that its something exciting. As I pushed the button, I saw "missed call" and looked at the number. The number to the hospital. Now I have been anticipating this call but to see it come up scared me. I blurted out "uh oh" and put the phone down. I stood there for a minute and debated in my head if I really was ready to hear the answer. I quickly succumbed to the curiosity and called the voicemail.
The nurse called, then the genetic counsellor. Both reported that the baby is absolutely perfect and completely healthy! Nothing wrong! Whew! What a relief! I was so excited I yelled out, "yes! Thank god!" I immediately sent everyone a text and called my daughter's grandma who is like my mother. She said she actually cried when I told her. Then I called back the genetic counselor to get confirmation its definitely a girl! There was still doubt in my head about that too! Lol. So I got it. Definitely, positively a girl! And definitely, positively healthy.
So now its time to start picking out girl stuff for my registry. As for the douchebag, I'm not even telling him he's having a girl. Or that his sperm created a girl, I should say. Screw the bastard. He's such a pathetic weasel! I really want him out of my life forever.
Hope everyones having a good day today!

is he fuckin kiddin me?

So the girl who sits next to me at work is 3 months ahead of me in her pregnancy. She and I cover each other's guys when the other is out, or on the phone, etc. So when the loser and I were forbidden to talk to each other, she was doing his work for him as she was the only other assistant that had access to his accounts. Well... The whole time she was working for him, she would tell me how she thinks he should be fired, how horrible he his, how she has no pity on him, etc, but then flirt back and forth on emails. And I mean flirt like joking and being silly. Oh its just so cute!!! (Barf)
So now he's been gone for a few weeks. And he's clearly missing people here since he keeps asking everyone if they miss him. Except me of course! So her baby shower was this weekend. I wonder how he even knew about it!!! He emails her and says "just wanted to congratulate you on your baby shower this past weekend. Hope you had a great time!!!!! PS I hope you're not missing me too much these days"
Let's talk about this bullshit for a second. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FUCKING BABY YOU SCUMBAG!!!! If you miss it here its your own fault for being a psycho asshole! You are a scumbag low life who only cares about yourself! Why do you feel the need to be all nice to her? Espeeeeecially when you know DAMN well when I have the baby or the baby shower you won't want anything to do with it?? God I hate him. Seeing things like this makes me NOT feel guilty!!!
Her response made me even more sick: "HEYYYYYYY thank you!!!! It was very nice! We did have a good time it was a little cold but it didn't rain... Of course I miss you, there's no one to talk yankees with...speaking of I am no longer a jorge fan!! Lol JK how are you doing?"
The whole interaction made me sick. I'm sure she's just being nice, but don't talk shit out of one side of your mouth then pretend you like him out of the other side. So he answers back: "fine..." Then some other bullshit about seeing a game in box seats with a wholesaler from work, blah blah. Yeah he's fine. He can go fuck himself. Then I went to check his office to see if he threw away a present I gave him from vegas. It was a little bag with dice that read "douchebag's casino" and craps chips. We actually played it in his office. It was fun! We rolled the dice, bet the chips etc. Well sure enough it was in the trash. I took them and the plants I gave him back to my desk. Uuuuggghhh!!!! God I hate him! I wanted to text him and say "someone threw your vegas present away by accident." Or something like that. But he's not worth my text.
I am seriously reconsidering taking him to court and having him involved in any way whatsoever with this baby. I really don't want him to be any part of the baby's life or mine. I don't want him to think he has any right or say in anything I do or anything pertaining to the baby. I want him to always wonder but not actually know. He's too evil. I can't express enough how much I hate him.
Also, I called the genetic counselor. No results yet. If the results are positive, I'm takin his ass to court. If not, I have to think about it. And thank you so much for all the encouragement and kind words from everyone! :) and to rafa for aways commenting.

big surprise

Went to the doctor today for the ultrasound and amnio test. The doctor said nothing at all in the ultrasound indicates down syndrome but because the bloodwork was so alarming they aren't sure. It was friggin painful! And the baby was just movin around like crazy!!! The ultrasound tech said the baby was extremely active! And cute! And guess what! Its a girl! I was completely shocked! I didn't even believe it. I'm not telling the psycho though. Fuck him.
So pray my baby is ok and ill give the results in a week when they are available. Time to register for my baby shower! Yay! Pink and yellow!

that mother fucker harassed me on mothers day

i cant even begin to describe my hatred for him. I am EMBARRASSED that i ever loved him or found him remotely attractive. He is a pussy and a coward and liar and a bully. He was harassing me all weekend and trying to ONCE AGAIN blame me and my friend for sending him the card. I told my cop friend and he told me to report him and I'm going to tomorrow. I'm going to the station and showing them the texts etc. How dare he accuse me of doing something i would never do! How many times did i say on here "I would love to send him my blog, etc but I could never do that. Fear of Karma and I want peace. I don't ant to stir things up" How many times??? He was ruining my mothers day making me so sick to my stomach it was hard to let it go and enjoy my day. He such a little wimp that he has to try and scare me over this bullshit! He has no clue how many people hate him and are talking so much shit about him! NO CLUE!! I cant wait for his world to crumble. I always feel bad all the time well I dont anymore!
He was like: how would they know my address if you didnt tell them? Um hello!!! IDIOT!!! Its on the Internet! People pages??? You are listed you fucking retard! You and your wifes name, address, and home number! It doesnt take an expert to find your info. God, he is stupid. Grasping at anything and everything to blame me fro EEEVERYTHING! Im calling the lawyer tomorrow and going to the cops. He will NOT bully me. No way.
Fucking LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, the baby kicks every night around 8pm and 4am. Pretty darn cute! Despite the loser, I had a fantastic mothers day with my wonderful special daughter and her family. (which is my family too) It was beautiful out here!

Hope everyone had a nice day too!

his retaliation

He is so pathetic. I was half asleep on the couch when my phone vibrates with a text. I look to read it and "piece of shit" comes up which is my name for the asshole on my phone. I get excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. It reads: That little stunt your boyfriend mike pulled sending a card like that to my house has been reported to the police.
What a loser! He has no idea how many people actually hate him and want his wife to find out what a scumbag he is. Its sad. So I responded with: it wasn't him idiot!! Then I sent a second one that said:A. He's not my bf B. He would never do that C. He's not that stupid and D. Open your eyes! Maybe you have other enemies. I have no CLUE who did it!
I wanted him to know it was NOT mike and that he should be nervous because he doesn't scare me and that he has more enemies than he realizes. I really wanted to say: you are so stupid. Do you have any clue how many people are talking about you? And how many people hate you? And how many people could have sent that? Open your eyes you fool! But then he'd think I was behind it all. And guess what! I never said a word!
He never responded. He made me sick to my stomach though. And still does. He is surrounded by darkness lies deception and destruction. I predict his life is only gonna get worse. And all I care about is that he blames me and an innocent child. Its sad.

got some good stuff for you!

So first, I get to work and check my emails to find another request to fill in as a sub for db's networking group. I responded with "I no longer work with (db) and we don't speak anymore so I don't feel comfortable at all being there, sorry." So she asked me to call her and fill her in and made a comment that I found quite interesting. She said "interesting you say this as the --- networking group is falling under his leadership."
I spoke to her on the phone and did what I always do. I tell people the truth but in a way that doesn't flat out bash him, and I'm discrete enough that I can never be blamed for telling anyone anything about what's really going on but just enough that they can figure it all out themselves. Not sure if she figured it out yet but if she does, she does. Then, I went to dinner with my old boss. The director of the preschool I taught at. I told her I was pregnant and told her the WHOLE story and she was really sweet. Told me she had dated a married guy before so she understood how I felt as I told her about how he loved me and told me he wanted to be with me and was thinking of getting a separation and stuff. It wasn't just sex on the side. He really loved me. Just never enough. I told her how I wanted to wait for him and was willing to accept all his baggage and drama and pain in the ass things that came with him. But he made us enemies and now we don't speak. Then she surprised me by telling me she was pregnant too! But this is her third and she is exhausted thinking about it just as I am exhausted thinking about my baby.
While I was out with her I had gotten a text from my friend telling me that his therapist also douchebag's therapist, told him that the db went in on monday and told him that someone mailed a card to his house addressed to him and his wife congratulating them on the new baby! Ha ha! I laughed. Then they signed it: Mike. So db immediately assumed it was MY friend but it was not! He would NEVER do something like that! I was totally shocked. There was no return address either of course. I am telling you, I have NO CLUE who would do that! No clue! Honestly. This news has spread so far and I heard that people are saying nasty things about him and that he has accumulated some enemies. They are basically saying he's an idiot for not being careful and that he shouldn't have cheated and the fact that he has abandoned me throughout this makes him look worse which in turn creates more comments. At least if he manned up to his faults, maybe they wouldn't be so mean about it. So there's no way I could possibly track who sent that to him. I think signing it mike was a random name. And db was all like "I called the cops! You tell him I called the cops!" Good ol' douchebag tryin to intimidate people again! Ugh. I ant stand him. But I still think its hilarious that someone sent that. Was it any of you?? I mean, his name and address and phone number are listed! Its called google! ANYONE could has done it! Anyone!

nothing much as of now

Nothing much to report or talk about. He hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since that last text message. He doesn't work in this office anymore so I never see him, thank god! And I can relax and not be stressed or stress out the baby.
I started to feel the baby kick already. I don't even look pregnant at all. I mean the people close to me can tell but anyone else wouldn't know. I just look like I have a stomach. If you ever saw my pictures I posted months back, I have a flat stomach. Had.
I will be 4 months as of saturday. In 3 days. The amnio is monday morning. I will find out the sex of the baby and see the ultrasound. My sister is coming with me. Especially because her son is autistic so she is a positive influence. I have peace that my baby is fine but I want to make sure. I will find out the answer to the amnio the following thursday. I will post about that.
I still cannot believe how he can treat me this way. I've never been abandoned like that. I can guarantee though, that he'll come back eventually. Like I've said from the beginning. Every man in my life has come back. After some time, they always come back. And this asshole never had closure with me.
I've been trying to gather all the information I can about him so I can give it to the lawyer. Oh! This is the lawyer my sister referred me to. This guy was married, gets divorced, and takes his wife to court. She was a stay at home mom and when court is settled SHE ends up paying HIM child support! He is ruthless and cut throat. HE is the one I will have representing me.
Anyway nothing else to report. In response to a readers comment, I can't get a new job because I will not get paid for maternity leave. You have to work somewhere for a year first and no one would hire me knowing I was pregnant. But will start looking in december. I can't afford to go anywhere else right now. It sucks. Especially since I hate my job. But at least he's not here anymore. Scumbag.