venting

So the girl who sits next to me was out yesterday and today. Not one person came over to say hi to me. And the reason that bothers me is because when she is here, 3 or 4 girls come over to talk to her, and include me to be polite but I mostly try to mind my business. Especially since any time she's not here, no one speaks to me. I know it shouldn't bother me, because they are all mostly younger than me and they aren't the type of people I would go out of my way to hang out with either but it still bothers me.

Another thing that really pisses me off and hurts my feelings is that the asshole doesn't speak to me. After everything I've done for him. He thinks I ruined his life, but its not my fault he reacted the way he did. And I did a LOT of things for him! Meanwhile he goes about his business and his days as if I was never a part of his life. As if I never existed. It really upsets me. It hurts a lot. He completely abandoned me and pushed me out of his life. Out of sight, out of mind.
Granted, my life is so much less stressful without him, and that's the best thing for the baby, but its still hurtful how he can treat me like that.

I am currently looking for a part-time job working with event planners so I can do it for myself full-time. I want to have my own business and my other businesses within that business. I could make so much money. And make my own hours. It actually excites me, which is great considering how depressed I am at this place. And about a lot of things in my life. I have a plan but I just need the confidence to go out and do it.

Speaking of confidence I finally realized that I am not "normal." Never was, and probably never will be. I was always independent and intelligent as a child, and never fit in. I was an advocate of equal rights since I was 2! If I was hungry, I didn't ask for food, I went to the garbage can, because I saw food being dropped in there. Other times I would just go for the things left out. I knew it was food, I could get myself, and I didn't need anyone! My brother was a year younger than me, and when my family tried to make me get off the bottle, hell no! If my brother had a bottle, I had a bottle. Same thing with diapers. I wasn't havin any underwear! If he has a diaper, I have one. This carried on until I was in high school. Everyone had a clique. There were at least ten cliques in my grade. I refused to be part of one because I refused to portray I was better than anyone else in any way by conforming to a "group." No matter what, I couldn't do it. And where did that leave me? Lonely. Home on the weekends alone while everyone else was out with their cliques. I still can't do it now. Even at work. My mom always gave me good advice. If you want friends, let people talk about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves. I tried it. Made me unhappy and unfulfilled to find "friends" who were self absorbed. All those friends I made that way, guess where the are now!!! As soon as I let the real me out, they didn't like me! I wasn't there for them at their beck and call serving them unconditionally, and I started to live my own life. A life that they didn't like. Dating a married man, drinking,dancing. They all abandoned me. I can understand someone having a problem with me dating a married man, but I can accept it. I would accept all my friends if they did drugs, were gay, slept around etc. I wouldn't want them doing drugs around me, but I wouldn't abandon them because of it. Its just so hurtful that people can't accept one another.

I just feel so unfulfilled and lonely. That's why I wish the readers were close to me and could actually be my friends. To go to lunch with or to even come see the baby! But I have come to the conclusion, as I said, that I am not normal. I never will be. And its ok. I just have to find some things I like.

I saw this painter last weekend who was amazing. You should actually google him: david garibaldi. I spoke to him after his show and he totally inspired me. He shared is story about following his passions in life. Art and helping people. Now he makes thousands and thousands of dollars painting and helping people raise money at charity events and fundraisers. It inspired me to follow my heart and follow my dreams. And I'll tell ya, none of them point to this hell hole I go to every day. I don't know what's worse. Going to a job where you hate the work you do, or having no work and staring at the wall. Yesterday I did my bills and filed them all for about 2 hours. Today I brought the bills I had at home so I can file them with the others. It BLOWS. At least I have my phone with internet access so I can post this blog.

Anyway feel free to share things about yourself on my comments. It doesn't always have to be all about me...