my 100th post

this should be a good post then...
I wish I had more to say.  I have one more day without him and then I see him Friday at work. I miss him. But I'm fine without him. I spoke to the Dr's office today. Pregnancy numbers are perfect. Have an ultrasound scheduled for March 16, and more blood next week. I pretty much came to the conclusion after much heartache and mental battling that I cannot kill it. I just cant do it. I will have to suffer the consequences of having a baby. The more I thought about it the more I realized that he would be there for me. He will be there to help. He wont let me suffer alone. Just as he doesnt let me suffer heartache alone. He is always right there with me feeling what I feel, dealing with what I am dealing with, and being there as much as he can.  And it's not our fault. He didnt cum inside me! I am clearly extremely fertile.

Another thing I was thinking. When he and my daughters grandma convinced me to have an abortion, their reasons were the "inconvenience" it would cause, and how it would destroy lives. Well, I had my daughter as a senior in high school and what would you tell a HS student with her whole future ahead of her? Get rid of this baby, its a huge inconvenience, and it will destroy your life and future and strain everyone else's lives around you. Well, they couldnt have been more wrong. She has brought joy to so many people! Adults, kids her age, kids younger, older, my family, her fathers family, she saved mine and her fathers lives. We would have both commited suicide by now if it hadnt have been for her. And imagine the pain and devastation that would've caused on our families. She has been invited to vacations all over the country with families who just love her so much. They tell me how she is polite and kind and amusing and a joy. So dont you DARE tell me my little baby who didnt ask to be born would ruin lives, cause pain and suffering, and we'd all be better without him/her. And I say that to anyone who tries to tell me to kill another baby. Family, nurses, MM himself, anyone.  I cant hold the guilt of repercussions on HIS family for my choice. I can only think about my own family. And I will not be ruining lives. Ruining a life is what my dad did to my brother. Beat the shit out of him mentally emotionally and physically day in and day out until he finally had a nervous breakdown and ended up an alcoholic in a mental hospital! THAT is ruining a life. This baby will complicate things and change the course of destiny we all had planned for everyone, but ruin lives? no. Who doesnt look at a cute baby smiling at you and doesnt feel happy inside?

As for my whore "friend,"  she stopped to me and deleted me on fb and bbm. Like I am the one who did something wrong!! I couldnt believe her! That right there admits her guilt. What a loser. She was 46 sleeping with a 22 year old. Who is cheating on her friend with her. Good job. You are awesome. Here is a picture JUST FOR YOU...

What a twist in my soap opera huh? I thought I was moving on, then I end up pregnant, then I find out the new loser was cheating with my friend. Wow. Couldnt predict that...

My Valentine Card

The last things MM said to me as he said goodbye for a week was: "When you miss me, reread my card! i meant every word I said. I love you"

So I am going to write the card so you can get a glimpse of how he feels about me. You all know how I feel about him...

"Ok. Where do I start? You having entered my life two and a half years ago has changed it in oh so many ways. First off, you have made me stop and view the world in ways I never knew existed. You've made me have a kinder, gentler heart when I would normally have a colder heart with less feeling. You've made me realize that theres a much bigger world out there than the one I probably thought mostly revolved around me. Youve taught me about giving to others, and made me realize just how selfish I could be. You've also allowed me to realize the importance of spirituality, and how there is a greater power that that guides our thoughts and actions. I NEVER would have tapped into these things without you.  I'm sorry that I dont say this enough, but you have changed my life in so many special ways, and you need to always remember that.  You've created bright, vibrant colors to my life, where before there was a dark and dullness. You just have no idea how much you've opened my mind and eyes to see and experience things I never knew existed before I met you.
Most important of all, though, is that I have NEVER had someone who has loved me and cared for me the way you have. And there are so many times when I tell myself that I dont deserve to have someone like you that cares so deeply for me the way you do. You have no idea how special you make me feel, how loved you make me feel.  You have shown me a depth of LOVE that just simply and absolutely blows me away. (drew a heart here)  Honestly, I'd be lucky if i give you back a tenth of the love that you give to me.  You need to know from the bottom of my heart, that I try to give you everything I can possibly give. And, I've said, you've pulled things out of me, and have touched me in places that i never knew existed. You have no idea how special and incredible that has made me feel. I can only hope that I have done the same for you.
You will always hold a special place in my heart. ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU (AND WILL ALWAYS)"
(and signed his name)

the only part i dont like is the last part "you will always hold a special place in my heart" it sounds as if he will never be with me but will always remember and love me. But when I mentioned that he'll never be with me he corrected me and told me about the separation. It would be so nice to be with him. With all his baggage and the mess of a life we have made for ourselves... I'd rather have that with someone I am in love with, than someone with no baggage who I dont love.

I honestly dont think I can kill another baby...

But the responsibility by myself without help scares the crap out of me! I came back from jury duty on Thursday and because he missed me and cant contain the pain of not being able to be with me, he actually cried and had to wipe his tears with a napkin. He turned away so I couldn't see as he told me how much he loves me and how badly he wants to be with me and how much turmoil he is in. He told me that he told his therapist he wants to have a "trial separation" from his wife and the therapist said its a good idea. To me, it seemed like he had such a sense of relief when he told me that. I actually spoke to his therapist myself since I referred him and my other friend to him so we communicate a little bit. I told the therapist I was pregnant and scared to tell him. He told me the same thing my therapist said which is "do not worry about him and what he thinks or what effect it will have on him. Do what you want to do without him in the equation" especially since I was suicidal last year. I remember all I wanted to do is die. I prayed every single day that a truck would hit me and kill me instantly. I prayed every day for that. I cried day and night. So they are both concerned with the effect a second one would have on me. So.... I think I'm just gonna have to deal with the consequences of this and choose not to kill this baby that maybe is here for a reason. 

I am currently nauseous as could be, exhausted, and my boobs hurt like hell. I've been depressed and scared. Trying to ignore this. Part of me wants to just tell people but part of me wants to hide it for a while. I am terrified to tell the people it is going to effect. My daughter, her grandma who is like my mother, MM, my job.  I dont want my family to find out because I have a sister and mother who are judgmental and mean. My sister would tell me will never help me because she would never condone that behavior. I know I shouldnt care what she thinks but I dont like when I get hurt or mad at her because I dont like feeling that hatred inside me. No one likes to feel that anger and hatred in them. Its a heaviness I dont want.  I have enough problems right now!!!

I just want to say thank you all SO SO SO much for your comments and advice and thoughts. You have helped me more than you know. I reread them throughout the day when I am at work.  I wanted to tell my best friend Mike but I couldnt get myself to tell him. I am scared to tell anyone. I told a friend of mine and she is totally supportive and willing to give me a baby shower and stuff. I wish you all lived near me. It would be fun to go out to lunch, all of us, wouldnt it?? I think so, at least... Lol.

He is on vacation this week til Friday. He was miserable and depressed that he was going to be with her and out of contact with me for 6 days. He said hes doing it for his kids and we know he has to feel so guilty for them, so he;ll take them where they wanna go now. Everyone at work was like "whats your problem? you're going on vacation and you look like you wanna kill someone!" Everyone asked me what's wrong with him and I just said he has a lot of stuff going on. I got to spend some time after work in my car with him. I laid on his shoulder and kissed him and he kept talkin and talkin to me. I was like shut up and kiss me! Last words he said were "I love you."  It should be interesting when he comes back. I wonder if he'll talk to his wife when they are alone and the kids are playing and stuff. So I may not have any updates til then other than when the doctor calls to confirm my pregnancy and tell me if my beta and stuff is good.

Anyway please comment whatever you'd like. Except Mr. J. You seem to judge a lot which I don't think you have any right to.

Can't Sleep

Just to clarify... I had an abortion in Sept 2009. Miscarriage in Dec 2010, and now pregnant in January. I cant sleep. I toss and turn all nioght and wake up like 5 times thinking "is this real? am i really pregnant?" Then freak out to realize "yes it is!!" I dont know what to do. I have been in jury duty this week and I am completely enjoying my break from MM. He has a valentines card for me waiting at work. whoopty doo. The day is over.

As for what to do about having a baby vs abortion, I'm 33, not 17 ya know? My body won't spring back like at 17. I dont know what to do. I think about what a relief it is that I dont have a baby right now, but I also see visions of me and a little boy. I know its a boy. I think about how if i had a baby it wouldnt destroy my life. it may destroy his life though but not mine. So I either live with the guilt of killing another baby, or the guilt of destroying his family. I see my therapist tomorrow and I will post what she says abou this disaster.

Thank you again for offering your opinions advice and stories. I really appreciate it. Though i STILL dont know what to do! Thank you though!!

Seeking guidance...

Just got back from church. The lesson was about having a relationship with God and how he wants to be a part of our lives and all we have to do is ask him to be. And ask forgiveness of our sins. I remembered being 18, just graduated high school, with a baby, and my biggest moral and financial supporter, my dad, was moving to Costa Rica. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go but my mother's house whom I had resented my whole life for never being around, and now my favorite and closest person in the world was leaving me. I was a mess. If it hadn't been for going to church and learning that God really loved me and wanted to help me, I'd be dead today. Clearly we all know I have issues and I make stupid mistakes. I need to pray and ask God for help here.

I would like to tell you all I am truly grateful that I have you all to read and comment and not one of you seem to judge me.  Clearly I feel bad about myself already, and this is an easy way to make me feel worse. So I just wanna say thank you for NOT making me feel that way. Even though most of you are anonymous and invisible to me.

I'm thinking I should look for a new job where I can get away from him. And if I do keep it, I dont want an audience and I dont want him to see me. I mean I sit right outside his office. I distract him as it is! I need to get away from him regardless. But is it bad to start a new job pregnant? I help him a great deal at work too. I actually helped him double his production last year, and I got a raise and he got a promotion. I'm thinking he will need my help again this year! But he will probably just spend more money on his kids. This is such a disaster. But I have to remember to meditate and seek guidance. From my dad, my grandma, God...

I am in complete shock

I never blogged on January 26th. The MM and I had an amazing night of sex. He came over after work, dominated me, used his tie to choke me and fucked the shit out of me. He did NOT cum inside me, and guess wht. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boobs have been hurting, i felt bloated, I thought I should have had my period by now but I took a test and it was fuckin positive in like 5 seconds. I am in complete shock. Just SHOCK. I dont know what to do. I mean this is the third baby of his and he didnt even cum inside me like the last 2 times!

I'm gonna die. This is how I feel...

Last Years Valentine Heartache

I read my journal entry from last year dated Feb 20, 2010.  Thid year, I have fucking jury duty that hopefully I will get out of and that is my only time (during the day) that I would be able to see MM fo the holidy. Not that its that big of deal but I remember how romantic last year was. And I also remember him going to fucking Mexico with his family the following week. This year is a broken fuckin record! Same shit. I am going to type word for word the journal ebtry and plase keep in mind.... HIS MOTHER READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


February 20, 2010

I'm trying to end this dead-end-nothing-but-painful relationship, but


my feelings are so deep and strong its too difficult. He's my BEST

friend! The one I share everything with. I don't know how to handle my

emotions other than turn it into anger so I can stay strong enough to

resist him! I just hate him so much bc I love him so much. More than

anyone I ever loved before. But he HURTS me so badly!! How do you take

me out for a special romantic valentine night, give me a card and pour

your heart out in it, make deep passionate, sincere love to me, then

go on vacation with your WIFE? Oh god it makes me so sick to my

stomach! I feel like someone reaxched down, and ripped my stomach

through my throat! I've never been in such agony! I don't know If

there's anything more painful than having someone reject you and

choose someone else over you. Esp when you know they love you more.

But they don't choose you. They never choose you. They don't follow

their heart. They try to please everyone else. So painful. So

insulting. So demeaning. And the worst part is, he would love me with

unending, unmoving,unconditional love if he WASNT FUCKING MARRIED! He

makes me sick. I want him!!!! Forever!!!!! I don't want anyone else!!!

I don't want anyone else to toch me, get to know me, like me, even

LOOK at me! I don't want anyone else! Just him! But he just won't be

with me! :( (I actually drew the frown face)
 
 
 
1. how sick was i knowing she read that? i was mortified. i feel completely violated.
2. she told him "dont you dare take her out for valentine's day" which is proof she read this
3. nothing ever changes. i hate him for that. i need a life.
 
This is why I am pursuing girls for the moment so maybe I will be distracted!

Getting Physical at work.. you be the judge

I wanna tell you a story that happened last night at work and I want you give your honest opinion. I am really upset about this.



The situation:

Two guys I work with, (one of them being the muffin man) got into an argument a tthe end of the day. Now, ususally I am there with "The 5:00 crew" as we call ourselves. there are 5 of us. B, L, MM, Me, and Crazy Eyes. I actually left at 5:15/5:20 yesterday, and they were all still there. I still wonder if MM's inner turmoil had to do with what happened next but it went way too far. Crazy comes over and starts talkin his negativity to B, and MM makes a comment, "no one wants to hear it, ____" and Crazy gets annoyed. Then he continues talking to B, and MM says "B doesnt wanna hear it either" and since I wasnt there and I heard 2 sides to the story, I'm not sure exactly what happened to lead to the craziness that happened next. Somehow Crazy gets pushed to the point where he has his hands around MM's neck, shoves him into his door, breaks the door stopper in the wall to thepoint where there is now a huge hole in the wall, and continues to go at him like he's gonna punch him. but L jumps in, and holds back Crazy while he is literally almost foaming at the mouth. Finally he leaves after screaming, and a few minutes later comes back to start again! B and L stand in the way to stop it from happening, and he walks away.

The arguments:

Crazy told me that MM came out of his office starting with him and that he warned him 3 times to back off or he'd flip out. MM said nothing he said would make anyone that angry, unless hes just crazy. Ive seen MM push buttons. He makes me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!! But I would NEVER lay a hand on him. Crazy Eyes does have a little chemical imbalance and I've seen him fly off the handle and he is SCARY when he gets like that! No one and nothing can calm him down!

The history:

Crazy eyes and our branch manager have known each other for a long time. He has warned him many times to stop acting like that but as he always defends him he says, well he has a good heart. Also, crazy eyes is the biggest pruducer in the company. And the Branch manager can be quoted by me saying "if I didnt know he had a good heart, I'd fire him" and that was when he flipped out screaming when clients were in the building!


The punishment:

Crazy eyes called the BM first thing in the morning to confess to save his own ass, and declared he was staying home for the day. BM told him to stay home til Monday. That was it!!!


Later on Crazy eyes calls me to tell me "his side" since I am friends with both of them, and I don't know what to believe because I wasnt there. I dont care how well you know CE, how much money he makes, or who was right or wrong, that absolutely should NOT be allowed in a work environment! I honestly want to quit now. If I didnt need my job, I'd tell them how disgusted I am with the place and how unprofessional it is on SO many levels and leave. I am definitely going to look for a new job to not only find a more professional place, but to get away from the man who brings me too much pain in my life. The one who plans on going on yet another family vacation like everythings all fuckin honky dorey. fuck him!


Judgement:

Now you be the judge and give me your thoughts on this situation

Empty Feelings

What a nightmare last night was. The hot YOUNG dominican calls me and as usual, last minute, says "I can come tonight, but I have to leave tomorrow." I was less than thrilled because I hate the last minute stuff, there was ice all over the roads, and the last time I was with him I felt nothing. I was completely empty. SO I tried to make it obvious in my tone and lack of excitement that I didnt want him to come. But I forgot hes a man. Men dont "catch on," I have to be blunt and honest. So I sent him a text saying I really didnt want him to come with a bunch of excuses and he should catch a flight home. Needless to say he was upset that he flew all the way from LA to see me and when he lands, he gets those texts. He was pissed and couldnt find a flight til 630am. So now I was really upset. I didnt wanna see him. I've been "over it" for a couple weeks now. His conversations are surfaced, I barely know him, or see him. Yes he is fun and makes me laugh but he's immature. Like making loud noises and yelling in my apartment when I have neighbors. Even though I wrote in a previous blog that I have the "worst neighbors." We all know the real problem though... I'm completely in love with another man. He has my whole heart, body, mind, and soul. I cant' share it. And thats what bothers me the most. I feel so horrible that he likes me and I am being totally unfair. I can't offer him my heart or my life. It's wrapped around some married guy.
I wouldnt let him touch me. I couldnt even kiss him. I couldnt even look into his eyes. Then I kept thinking I'm sabotaging this. I couldnt figure out if I really am not interested because of his secrets, and shallow talks, and constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, too young... or am I just sabotaging it because I am in love with someone else? I'm confused about that. Well the whole night was horrible. I felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me, and was forcing himself on me. I actually got so scared I went into my daughters bed and locked the door. He sent me a long text about how bad I was making him feel and how he wanted to go home.
This morning I took my daughter to school and came back to talk to him. He didnt really talk but wanted me to kiss and make up. I was too scared to be honest because I dont know how he'll react. Will he yell? get violent? I dunno. He's so much stronger than me. So I laid there and cried my eyes out. He asked what was wrong and I explained to him how I feel empty inside when I kiss him and I dont have feelings and when i kiss a guy I need feelings. I told him how I felt about his secrets, and shallow talks, the constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, barely getting to see him, etc. So he tried as hard as he could to pull me back into where we were.  Told me he wants to fix it and be my boyfriend etc. When he asked me if I wanted to just leave it alone I said no. a. i was scared, and b. I wasnt sure if I should let him go because like I said I am confused.
I took a shower and just kept crying and crying. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of my love. I love him so much and I'm so comfortable with him. Not scared, free to be myself, he doesnt annoy me, and we can read each other like a book. I couldnt stop crying! I drove him to the airport where we left it off as he was trying to "fix it" and I gave him a kiss good bye. I felt so horrible for making him feel so bad. And he felt so bad for making me upset. The only thing he did that i didnt like was forcing himself me. But in his mind he was doing what a boyfriend would do? I dunno. But if i say "im not feeling it," or "stop" that should make you back off.
I went to work so depressed. I cried half the way there. I was thinking to myself how upset I was that MM made sure he pulled me back in when this new guy came in the picture and he literally pulled me away from him. Dont DO  that if you arent going to be with me!!! I was so hurt and sad and angry and guilty. I got to work and MM was leaving for a ski trip with  some other guys at work so I only got to see him for 15 min. Guess what I did in those 15 min. He called me in his office to say good bye and give me a hug. He gave me such a strong long hug and I knew he was saying "i love you." I cried on his shoulder of course and walked away. I couldnt even speak words.  I had to text him "have a good time. be safe." I also left a little note in his bag.
I am so in love with him and he still has to tell em what happened in his therapy session. He said he was gonna talk about me. I hope that doesnt mean hes gonna ignore me now. If hes out with the men on a trip do you think hes really gonna think about it? or me? doubtful. I honestly hope he doesnt. I hope he has a good time and is stress free. I'll have stress waiting for him when he comes back. ha!
need advice and opinions...

Taco Bell

I went to a dept store after work yesterday with the MM to get keurig coffee for our Keurig he bought us.  I missed the entrance and had to park in the Taco Bell lot. I walked thru snow and through the parking lot as he was calling out to me "where the hell did you go???"

We walked around  the store and pointed out all this stuff we would have wanted to buy together if we lived together. In one aisle he kissed me a few times and looked at me with this look that made me feel sad. I told him this, "it makes me so sad for you that you wear your stress on your face. and theres this look you give me that shows all your worries subside and youre so in love with me. and Im the only one that gets to see that face. im the only one that gets to see you so happy and blissful." he nodded in agreement and said "youre right. it IS sad. Im just not happy"

I know how he feels about me in the way he kisses me, touches me, looks at me, and how when we are in a store together he just wants to buy me whatever I want. Makes me feel good. ya know, and sad.

So he drove me to my car and we sat in the car and kissed. It was so amazing. He held my face in his hands and kissed me softly, passionately, and with emotions from deep within. We kissed and kissed for a long time. I LOVE kissing him like that. The sad part was, he would kiss me a few times, then sigh. then kiss, then sigh... I could feel all his sadness in those sighs, and all his love for me in his kisses. I brought it up to talk to him about it and he said he IS sad because he wants to be with me so badly but he feels stuck. I know he loves his kids too. At least he will be talking to his therapist tomorrow about it. I spotted another couple two cars down doing exactly what we were doing! I said "is taco bell the hot spot for secret love affairs??" I wonder if they were in the same situation as us. I think so. Then we found a satellite radio station we both liked. channel 3! "love" smooth operator was playing. then the next song came on and I wish I could remember what it was, but he was singing the words to me. He has one of those voices that you want him to sing a little softer than the voice on the radio because its of the greatest but its cute, ya know? As he sang and looked at me the way he does as he's in love, it made me start to cry. My mind was thinking about all the places I want to travel with him and all the things I want to experience with him. The apartment we talked about having and how we would decorate it. My emotions were so mixed. In love, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. UGH! I'm SO SO SO in love with him!! He asked me why i was crying and I told him. He responded with " I really need to figure this out because every day I fall more and more in love with you. And I'm just not happy without you."
UGH!
Meanwhile my sexy latino is coming to see me this week. The last time he was here, I was thinking about MM and had no feelings towards him. It's bad. I cant have feelings for more than one guy at a time. Now I am meeting a bunch of women online and I plan on having one of them in the mix! I will continue to have fun and play the field until the love of my life makes a commitment. I think he will but no, i wont wait forever.
tune unto my other blog for the update on the women.