I honestly dont think I can kill another baby...

But the responsibility by myself without help scares the crap out of me! I came back from jury duty on Thursday and because he missed me and cant contain the pain of not being able to be with me, he actually cried and had to wipe his tears with a napkin. He turned away so I couldn't see as he told me how much he loves me and how badly he wants to be with me and how much turmoil he is in. He told me that he told his therapist he wants to have a "trial separation" from his wife and the therapist said its a good idea. To me, it seemed like he had such a sense of relief when he told me that. I actually spoke to his therapist myself since I referred him and my other friend to him so we communicate a little bit. I told the therapist I was pregnant and scared to tell him. He told me the same thing my therapist said which is "do not worry about him and what he thinks or what effect it will have on him. Do what you want to do without him in the equation" especially since I was suicidal last year. I remember all I wanted to do is die. I prayed every single day that a truck would hit me and kill me instantly. I prayed every day for that. I cried day and night. So they are both concerned with the effect a second one would have on me. So.... I think I'm just gonna have to deal with the consequences of this and choose not to kill this baby that maybe is here for a reason. 

I am currently nauseous as could be, exhausted, and my boobs hurt like hell. I've been depressed and scared. Trying to ignore this. Part of me wants to just tell people but part of me wants to hide it for a while. I am terrified to tell the people it is going to effect. My daughter, her grandma who is like my mother, MM, my job.  I dont want my family to find out because I have a sister and mother who are judgmental and mean. My sister would tell me will never help me because she would never condone that behavior. I know I shouldnt care what she thinks but I dont like when I get hurt or mad at her because I dont like feeling that hatred inside me. No one likes to feel that anger and hatred in them. Its a heaviness I dont want.  I have enough problems right now!!!

I just want to say thank you all SO SO SO much for your comments and advice and thoughts. You have helped me more than you know. I reread them throughout the day when I am at work.  I wanted to tell my best friend Mike but I couldnt get myself to tell him. I am scared to tell anyone. I told a friend of mine and she is totally supportive and willing to give me a baby shower and stuff. I wish you all lived near me. It would be fun to go out to lunch, all of us, wouldnt it?? I think so, at least... Lol.

He is on vacation this week til Friday. He was miserable and depressed that he was going to be with her and out of contact with me for 6 days. He said hes doing it for his kids and we know he has to feel so guilty for them, so he;ll take them where they wanna go now. Everyone at work was like "whats your problem? you're going on vacation and you look like you wanna kill someone!" Everyone asked me what's wrong with him and I just said he has a lot of stuff going on. I got to spend some time after work in my car with him. I laid on his shoulder and kissed him and he kept talkin and talkin to me. I was like shut up and kiss me! Last words he said were "I love you."  It should be interesting when he comes back. I wonder if he'll talk to his wife when they are alone and the kids are playing and stuff. So I may not have any updates til then other than when the doctor calls to confirm my pregnancy and tell me if my beta and stuff is good.

Anyway please comment whatever you'd like. Except Mr. J. You seem to judge a lot which I don't think you have any right to.