Last Years Valentine Heartache

I read my journal entry from last year dated Feb 20, 2010.  Thid year, I have fucking jury duty that hopefully I will get out of and that is my only time (during the day) that I would be able to see MM fo the holidy. Not that its that big of deal but I remember how romantic last year was. And I also remember him going to fucking Mexico with his family the following week. This year is a broken fuckin record! Same shit. I am going to type word for word the journal ebtry and plase keep in mind.... HIS MOTHER READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


February 20, 2010

I'm trying to end this dead-end-nothing-but-painful relationship, but


my feelings are so deep and strong its too difficult. He's my BEST

friend! The one I share everything with. I don't know how to handle my

emotions other than turn it into anger so I can stay strong enough to

resist him! I just hate him so much bc I love him so much. More than

anyone I ever loved before. But he HURTS me so badly!! How do you take

me out for a special romantic valentine night, give me a card and pour

your heart out in it, make deep passionate, sincere love to me, then

go on vacation with your WIFE? Oh god it makes me so sick to my

stomach! I feel like someone reaxched down, and ripped my stomach

through my throat! I've never been in such agony! I don't know If

there's anything more painful than having someone reject you and

choose someone else over you. Esp when you know they love you more.

But they don't choose you. They never choose you. They don't follow

their heart. They try to please everyone else. So painful. So

insulting. So demeaning. And the worst part is, he would love me with

unending, unmoving,unconditional love if he WASNT FUCKING MARRIED! He

makes me sick. I want him!!!! Forever!!!!! I don't want anyone else!!!

I don't want anyone else to toch me, get to know me, like me, even

LOOK at me! I don't want anyone else! Just him! But he just won't be

with me! :( (I actually drew the frown face)
 
 
 
1. how sick was i knowing she read that? i was mortified. i feel completely violated.
2. she told him "dont you dare take her out for valentine's day" which is proof she read this
3. nothing ever changes. i hate him for that. i need a life.
 
This is why I am pursuing girls for the moment so maybe I will be distracted!