Empty Feelings

What a nightmare last night was. The hot YOUNG dominican calls me and as usual, last minute, says "I can come tonight, but I have to leave tomorrow." I was less than thrilled because I hate the last minute stuff, there was ice all over the roads, and the last time I was with him I felt nothing. I was completely empty. SO I tried to make it obvious in my tone and lack of excitement that I didnt want him to come. But I forgot hes a man. Men dont "catch on," I have to be blunt and honest. So I sent him a text saying I really didnt want him to come with a bunch of excuses and he should catch a flight home. Needless to say he was upset that he flew all the way from LA to see me and when he lands, he gets those texts. He was pissed and couldnt find a flight til 630am. So now I was really upset. I didnt wanna see him. I've been "over it" for a couple weeks now. His conversations are surfaced, I barely know him, or see him. Yes he is fun and makes me laugh but he's immature. Like making loud noises and yelling in my apartment when I have neighbors. Even though I wrote in a previous blog that I have the "worst neighbors." We all know the real problem though... I'm completely in love with another man. He has my whole heart, body, mind, and soul. I cant' share it. And thats what bothers me the most. I feel so horrible that he likes me and I am being totally unfair. I can't offer him my heart or my life. It's wrapped around some married guy.
I wouldnt let him touch me. I couldnt even kiss him. I couldnt even look into his eyes. Then I kept thinking I'm sabotaging this. I couldnt figure out if I really am not interested because of his secrets, and shallow talks, and constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, too young... or am I just sabotaging it because I am in love with someone else? I'm confused about that. Well the whole night was horrible. I felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me, and was forcing himself on me. I actually got so scared I went into my daughters bed and locked the door. He sent me a long text about how bad I was making him feel and how he wanted to go home.
This morning I took my daughter to school and came back to talk to him. He didnt really talk but wanted me to kiss and make up. I was too scared to be honest because I dont know how he'll react. Will he yell? get violent? I dunno. He's so much stronger than me. So I laid there and cried my eyes out. He asked what was wrong and I explained to him how I feel empty inside when I kiss him and I dont have feelings and when i kiss a guy I need feelings. I told him how I felt about his secrets, and shallow talks, the constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, barely getting to see him, etc. So he tried as hard as he could to pull me back into where we were.  Told me he wants to fix it and be my boyfriend etc. When he asked me if I wanted to just leave it alone I said no. a. i was scared, and b. I wasnt sure if I should let him go because like I said I am confused.
I took a shower and just kept crying and crying. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of my love. I love him so much and I'm so comfortable with him. Not scared, free to be myself, he doesnt annoy me, and we can read each other like a book. I couldnt stop crying! I drove him to the airport where we left it off as he was trying to "fix it" and I gave him a kiss good bye. I felt so horrible for making him feel so bad. And he felt so bad for making me upset. The only thing he did that i didnt like was forcing himself me. But in his mind he was doing what a boyfriend would do? I dunno. But if i say "im not feeling it," or "stop" that should make you back off.
I went to work so depressed. I cried half the way there. I was thinking to myself how upset I was that MM made sure he pulled me back in when this new guy came in the picture and he literally pulled me away from him. Dont DO  that if you arent going to be with me!!! I was so hurt and sad and angry and guilty. I got to work and MM was leaving for a ski trip with  some other guys at work so I only got to see him for 15 min. Guess what I did in those 15 min. He called me in his office to say good bye and give me a hug. He gave me such a strong long hug and I knew he was saying "i love you." I cried on his shoulder of course and walked away. I couldnt even speak words.  I had to text him "have a good time. be safe." I also left a little note in his bag.
I am so in love with him and he still has to tell em what happened in his therapy session. He said he was gonna talk about me. I hope that doesnt mean hes gonna ignore me now. If hes out with the men on a trip do you think hes really gonna think about it? or me? doubtful. I honestly hope he doesnt. I hope he has a good time and is stress free. I'll have stress waiting for him when he comes back. ha!
need advice and opinions...