I never meant for it to get this bad

Oh god. This is getting so bad. So monday he's acting like nothing happened. Claims he's "calm" and wants to talk. So we start to talk, I'm crying, everythings like how it always was. We talk AFTER work so he can "try and understand" why I made the decisions I made. He has articles printed out and highlighted to question my religious beliefs. I told him over and over throughout the day "I don't trust you at all. Everything you say is manipulation" and sure enough he was TAKING NOTES of what I said! Hell no! I shut right up and started yelling at him. It escalated into the two of us screaming at each other and him yelling "GET OUT!" And me yelling "go fuck yourself!" Monday evening he sends me texts apologizing. So tuesday morning, he comes to work late. Doesn't say a word to me all day. Until 4:30. Sends me a text "I need to talk to you. Outside of work somewhere." Long story short, as I stated in the last post, I meet him out in a parking lot down the street. Then he proceeds to tell me how he told his wife. As I stated last night "couldn't be more supportive"
Okay. So I was so shaken up I told my boss I must speak to her. Its very important.
So today, I talked to my co worker, we read the handbook, and it says nothing about having a relationship with a co worker. So I told my boss EVERYTHING. From beginning to end. She said they can't fire me. Especially since I am pregnant they would be in so much trouble. So I talked to her for an hour and a half. And she was extremely helpful. I told her how he harasses me and how sometimes I feel scared. I felt such a relief and protected once I told her that.
However... When I got this phone call, I started to really regret ever saying anything. He called me at 530 HYSTERICALLY crying in the phone on my voice mail since I ignored his call, that the big boss, my boss' boss told him they may fire him now. I cannot deal with him getting fired! I never ever meant for this to get this bad. I don't want him to get fired! I feel so so so bad for him. Talk about his world crumbling! I was so sick to my stomach I actually threw up. I unfortunately still love him so much. He's gonna have a nervous breakdown or try to kill himself.
Now please go back to my post from may 2010, titled two prophetic dreams. The dream popped into my head monday night and I went back to see if I blogged about it and sure enough I did. I think NOW it is coming to pass...
Forgot to mention. After Monday night when he was coming in poking at me and trying to upset me when my friend Mike was there, I told my friend, "ya know hwat? Pride comes before a fall. Hautiness befrore destruction. He needs to be careful." 
I feel like this is all my fault. I threw up 3 times last night. Not sure if its morning sickness or from my stomach being in knots for hours. If any of you pray, please pray for him. That he turns to God so God can help him like He helps me. thank you

he told his wife

And he said "are you happy now that I had to put her through that?" I said don't you dare put the blame on me! Then he said "and she couldn't be more supportive. And the vile hatred she has for you couldn't be expressed enough. She thinks you're a sick person." Was she supposed to like me??? He is now not only manipulative and mean, but now cocky! Now he thinks he has one up on me bc she's on his side. He makes me so sick. I'm actually scared of him which he wants me to be so I just kil the baby. I think I'm gonna just tell my boss everything so they can document his harassment and let me go. I despise him. And most of all, I'm just so hurt. Yesterday he told me how he had done "soul searching" and how he was so sorry for everything he said and did and how he never meant anything he said about never loving me etc, but then the next day is back to being 10 times worse than before. Ten times worse! I didn't trust him to begin with when he was supposedly calm but now I'm again so sick physically because of the stress he is putting me under. I'm done protecting him constantly. Done protecting his identity. I wish I wouldve let my friends tell his wife so she would hear the truth. We all know he lied like hell to paint me as the bad guy. I wish he wouldn't make us enemies. Cuz that's what he has done. But I am used to this. Every guy I break up with... The cops get involved. They finally back off when I have to get a restraining order against them. Why do they want to hurt me so badly? I don't get it. I give them all my heart and they turn into monsters. Then come crawling back. I hate him.

Today was a blessing

I forgot to give you the update on the baby. The dr said everything is perfect, its a perfect baby and the heartbeat was very strong. I saw the heart beating and heard it on the doppler.
And something amazing happened today. I went to church to tell the noah's ark story with the kids. It went so well! Then in the teenager class I teach the other teacher read a scripture ephesians 6:10 I think about the armour of god. Of course when we read it no one really understood the meaning of it. So I gave my testimony about how I have turned to god and all I did was worship him and his armour has been on me when the asshole has been harrassing me and hating me and throwing his "firey darts" at me. It was pretty powerful to share that testimony today.
Then after church, they were cleaning up for a fundraiser they had. A "toy sale." I told the 2 women who were packing up stuff that I needed some baby stuff. So they went around and gave me everything I would need that they had. I got a high chair, stroller, tons of clothes, toys, books, maternity clothes, a pack and play and a play mat with all kinds of nice toys in it, the sling thing you hold the baby in over your shoulder, and a really nice cushion for the changing table. All for $20!!! They only chraged me $17.50 but its a donation to the church so I gave $20. Exactly what I told the douchebag, god will always provide. What a blessing. And to have peace away from that psycho for 2 days was fantastic. Next ultrasound is sceduled for April 13th. MM's birthday!!! Ha ha! Happy birthday dad!!!
I reeeeally wish you guys could come visit!!! Thanks for all he support. I really appreciate it!

Pathetic Ultimatum

Well, we managed to not speak at all other than to say "so and so is on the phone." At the end of the day he sent me a text saying he cant work with me anymore and he was speaking to management on Monday. I started to cry because I have a very good chance of losing my job now. Also, I lost my best friend. So the HR lady saw me crying, asked me why, i told her it was him, she went in his office and he didn't tell her. He said later he doesnt want  to have to do it but he cant work. If he hears my voice, or sees my email it makes min cry and he sits in a daze all day and cant function. AGAIN this is all MY fault. So I just lost it at punch out time. I couldnt stop crying. He sent me a text that said "maybe you should think long and hard about the decisions you've made and what effects they will have long term"  so i said "maybe YOU should've, asshole! A. i already thought about it but it still hurts! B. you think if i kill it, you're not gonna still HATE ME? YOU'LL STIIIIILLL HATE ME!" The asshole writes back: "A. I really don't think you thought long and hard enough about the long term effects and B. No, I wouldnt still hate you"
you wouldnt still hate me??? so you DO hate me now right douche bag?? But if I murder a perfectly strong and healthy baby, oh well gee, then you'll be just so wonderful to me right? Oh how I long for the day when you dont hate me! Please let me worship you more than I already have! I'll just do anything for you! Why I'll even murder TWO babies! Just so you can continue to use me, disappoint me, lie to me, and treat me like shit! PLEASE CAN I KILL MY BABY FOR YOU? Its just the best thing in the world to do! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU SELFISH MANIPULATIVE LYING COWARDLY LITTLE MAN!
i answered him back "well thanks for the ultimatum." fuck him. I had my therapist tonight, thank god. She told me not to worry if i get fired it will set me free to find something i love. I can collect unemployment until I do. I can paint and sell my art for cash. I can be free of his stress and drama. I dont have to explain to anyone who the father is. Hell, I can walk right in there with my baby to say hello and watch him puke. (unless he miraculously changes by then) And since soemone who reads this knows who he is, you can come on in and say hi! How do you know him? or is it just from my blog? Im dying to know.

His pain

i am actually sick to my stomach thinking about how much pain he is in right now. I feel so bad for him. Wishing he could rewind time. oh its so horrible. he called me crying hysterically. I mean i'm not doing this to hurt him. the crying to me wont make me take it back ya know? but i guess his pain is so great and im too compassionate. but that compassion got me into this mess right? i felt sorry for the unhappy married guy. i gave him everything i had! and the thing is... the reason we didnt use condoms was because when we made love because that IS what we did, it was like we were a couple. its not like he was using me on the side. men like that always use a condom. this was spontaneous i need to be closer to you love making. And i loved every minute of it. I miss it. I miss him. it will never be the same. now i will be pregnant and cant have anyone for a long time. i can handle it though. love is selfless and all i care about right now is keeping the baby safe and healthy. he thinks i dont care about him but i do. i love him. even through all the torment he has thrown onto me. and he even tried to tell me he never loved me. i was only a friend with benefits. Lie. Everything out of his mouth is lies. His eyes are always truthful though. He cant hide his love for me.
oh well. we will never know what the future holds. i never expected to actually be pregnant again after all this. I was in complete shock.
sometimes i fantasize about moving to France and raising the baby there. I wish I could. But i dont speak french really. And i wouldnt be able to work unless i found an american company. whatever. Im emotionally exhausted. Too much drama for a day. too much heartache. and I still love the stupid son of a bitch. what an idiot i am.

and how do you guys know who he is? i couldnt believe that! it was so funny i couldnt stop laughing. And those comments you all said especially the readers i didnt even know i had, thank you SO MUCH! it makes me feel that much stronger to have your support. I will have to invite you all to the baby shower! start saving your money for airfare!

Pathetic Excuse for a Man

He is HORRENDOUS! he is making my life a living hell! But I am staying so strong! I act like everythings fine at work. I pretend I dont hate his GUTS! He has tried every manipulative tactic he could think of! It's rather exhausting! he tries making me feel guilty for ruining his life, his kids lives, etc. when that doesnt work he tells me he is suicidal. then tells me how his parents are in deep need and how he needs to help them financially and how he cant help me. (im taking his ass to court so too bad) then he forced himself on my therapy session to try and find out exactly WHY I decided to keep it since he thinks i did it to either get back at him for the abortion or because I think he will be with me. I thought we clarified it in my session that it had nothing to do with him. When he heard about how I prayed about it and how God named him Noah, he started to use God as a manipulative tactic! Telling me I have the blood of a sinner inside me. A Bastard child, an object of adultery. Then when that didnt work, he called my daughters grandma who is like my mother (would be motherin law had i married her dad) and badgered her to meet with him and HIS 2 FRIENDS so he could pressure her to pressure me to kill it. Then he tries to bring me down telling me how i will never be able to do this, no one will help me, or be there for me, and how naive and stupid i am. Now his newest tactic is telling me how he NEVER loved me, he led me on, only used me, I was only a friend  with benefits, and how he only lusted after me. Its never fucking ending. He is a raging lunatic! He told me today "you make me sick!" so I said "good!  you make me sick too!" and shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I know it has to kill him that he doesnt effect me. My daughter sent him a fantastic email! I am going to copy and paste it so you can see. She is so tired of watching him break me down day in and day out. He is a pathetic excuse for a man. There is no way in hell I would want to be with him after all this. So when his wife finds out, and dumps his sorry ass, he cant come crawling back to me! Im done! He will be alone and have no one but his own sorrow.

Here is her email she sent him last night:

Alright look... You really need to grow up. I don't even know where to begin. First of all... You are blaming everything on my mom. Uh I'm pretty sure YOU'RE the one who fell in love with her too, that wasn't a one way street. You are sooooo crazy. You're the one who dug yourself into a huge fricken hole of lies, cheating and most of all denial. Denial because you claim you never had feelings for my mother, SHUT UP....of course you had feelings for her, that's a pathetic lie that you're trying to convince yourself of. Denial because you're acting like my mother purposely did this to get back at you, well she didn't. You're the one who's been going behind your familys backs cheating on your wife and lying to your own children. You need to understand this is just as much your fault as hers. I have watched her cry over you a ridiculous amount of times over the last two years and I'm absolutely sick of it. You are heartless. Completely heartless and bitter. You make her feel like absolute crap and say stuff that myself and anyone else would never EVER say to anyone else. Stop acting like you're perfect because obviously you're not. You are sneaky and pyschotic. I don't get it. I don't know what goes through your head day in and day out that makes you such an asshole and makes you say the things you do to my mom. You keep bringing my mom down that big hole of yours except her problem isn't lying, cheating, sneaking around, hers is heartbreak. Each and everyday you completely shatter her heart more and more. I CAN'T STAND YOU. You are such a pyschotic asshole!!!!!!!!!! No one in the world can hit you on the head hard enough to realize the hurt, anger, betrayal, etc that you have brought on to people. You're pretty pathetic. Don't you EVER talk to my mother the way you have been again. In fact, don't even talk to her at all outside of work stuff. Because you ruin her days and nights to the point where she's sick. You're sick. You're the sick one who can live with yourself. Well guess what... You're having a child. Second of all.. You call this child an "it." Him or her is NOT a thing, they're a person. And my mother is NOT killing him. You may think that's the right thing to do and if you do, you're digusting and sick. You can live with yourself knowing the depression and pain my mom would have to go through if she had to do that again. And you wanna know what else!? This child is going to have a hundred times more people that love him or her more than anyone will ever love you. I absolutely hate you. I hate you so much.

PS I COULDNT CARE LESS ABOUT PROTECTING HIS STUPID IDENTITY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK HIM!

Worst week of my life

I cant even tell you how miserable I am. This was one of the worst weeks of my life. Monday night, he dumps me. Tuesday night we talk, and he says "you pressured me! I'm not ready for a decision so since you forced me, i choose her."  "well, there was a reason I pressured you in the last couple weeks" "why? are you pregnant or something?" "yes" That led to screaming and crying and fighting. I was so physically ill form from the fight that I went to work Wed at 1:30 and was sick as could be until 4:30 when I snuck under my desk to lay down until 5:15 to go see his therapist like he asked me to. 5:30 was the worst night of my life. The entire session he was so angry. He was angry before walking in. He had his little list of ALL the reasons why he thinks I should abort. Along with the fact that he accused me of lying about it and using it as a manipulation tactic. First of all, why would I do that? How dare you! He kept saying "I wanna understand the chain of events. Why is it that you tell me the day after I break up with you that you are pregnant?" The therapist kept saying Does it really matter though? Why dont you ask her why she was so afraid to tell you. Maybe she had to protect herself and the baby. The therapist kept saying "I dont think abortion is open for discussion. I think she made her choice and you will just have to face the fact that she is pregnant." It just made him more and more angry. He was screaming like a lunatic! The therapist was even uncomfortable at the screaming. I started to scream back. Finally he said "Make no mistake. We are done! I will never be with you. Ever again!" At that point I just burst into tears, and was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I couldnt stop no matter what. I am over emotional now as it is, but to say that to me like that, was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. Like he hated me or something. And I did nothing to him! I asked him to be with me or break up with me. So fine, break up with me. But there was no reason to do it like that. I cried for at least ten minutes in the session until I screamed at him "you are a fucking asshole! youre nothing but a coward and a loser and you'll never have enough guts to do anything you want to do with your life! you make me sick! I wish I never met you because youve don nothing but ruin my life!" Then I eventually left the two hours session in tears and went out to cry in my car for a little while longer (20 min) until I finally drove home.

As I sat in the car, I played my Christian music because I was in desperation and needed to reach out to God. He was there for me when I had my daughter and I know He's there now. I cried out to Him that I was sorry for doing everything I've been doing, I'm sorry I had an abortion, for sleeping with a married man, etc. I told him how much I needed Him because I just wanted to die. I heard Him answer me before I was done and He said "I'm here with you. I'll help you through this" Then all I could think of was how much he just HATED me and how he will continue to hate me the rest of my life. And I heard God or whoever answer "You dont know how he'll be in October" I remembered how I have had a month to freak out and be depressed and he had just one day. I felt what he felt for 4 weeks. It gets less shocking with each day. I also couldnt believe it. I pretended it wasnt real for the first 3-4 weeks!

I called out sick Thursday, and laid on my couch all day. I was so sick, so stressed, so depressed. All I kept hearing in my head over and over was "Make no mistake! We are done! etc" He eventually emailed me telling me how awful he felt about how upset I was and how he was so sorry and how he only gets that angry towards the people he loves the most and he didnt realize how much he loved me etc etc bullshit bullshit. I didnt respond. I had nothing to say to him. Thats not how you show love. If he loved me, he'd be with me. End of story. I still couldnt face him Friday and I was still very sick. I called out sick again. he emailed me over and over a over about the same bullshit. I responded and told him how much he hurt me and how he made a huge mistake and how all I could hear was what he said. It didnt matter what he said after. What mattered was how he responded to the crisis situation.  All he wanted was validation of his feelings. What about mine??? For all these years? You never ONCE validated mine! Not once!

Yesterday, he sent me a text saying his bbm was no longer bc his phone broke and he has an iphone. I told him I had sent him 2 emails and to read them. He barely responded to that text and never responded to my emails. I was so sick all day and night yesterday. I threw up last night. I FORCED myself to go to the store to get food which I had none of. I cried in the store, i cried on the way home, I cried last night. The first email I had sent him was about asking his help to find me a new job. He is the president of his networking group so I asked him to reach out to all of the presidents and ask if anyone in their groups are hiring. The second one I told him I have never been so devastated in my life. Told him how I sleep and cry and lay on the couch day and night and how I am very sick and how I actually got in trouble at work for calling out so much the last few weeks. No response.

Today, I ate a healthy breakfast with fruit, wheat, flaxseed, omega3, etc. I felt much better.  I also went to church. I was happy to be there. I enjoyed teaching about prayer to the kids. I sent the asshole a text and said "why is it that when you email and bbm me you want a response but when i do, you fucking ignore me? Its always ALL about YOU!" I absolutely hate him! I was willing to accept him with all his issues, baggage, moodiness, etc. But I was never enough. I will never be enough. And when he comes back, and mark my words, he will come back... it will be too late. And he will live in regret the rest of his life. And cry. And be depressed. And maybe I will yell in his face when he comes back "Make no mistake! you will NEVER be with me!" See how he feels.

I am so heartbroken though. I have an ultrasound wed afternoon and I am debating making a photocopy to show him to prove it to him that I am pregnant. I really really wish I never had to see him again. I am dreading going to work and having to look at him or speak to him. He hurt me more than anyone could know. I try to say things to myself like "thank god I am not in Japan. It could be worse!" but it doesnt make the pain in my heart go away. But in retrospect, I could have lost my family and home and all my belongings in an earthquake and tsunami and I could be starving. So this too shall pass...

He knows...

I am home sick from work but I decided to go in a half day. I feel awful. Been really sick through this. On Monday MM told me that I pressured him to make a decision and his decision was to stay with his wife and cut things off with me but still wanted to "coexist" and not hate each other. I was hurt and angry but never told him. I started looking for  a new job. Then last night we were still fighting over it and he told me I was pressuring him and crap and I said well I had a reason for it. Long story short he asked enough questions draggin it out of me and gfinallt asked point blank "are you pregnant?" I couldnt lie. I told him yes. He was in disbelief just as I was since he never came inside me. I had to almost prove it to him but then he finally believed me, cried and yelled a LOT. was mostly angry I waited so long to tell him because of course, he wanted to convince me to kill it. I was screaming at him he screamed at me, etc etc. I finally left, we were out of tissues since we both needed them. He gave me a long hug, a kiss, and told me he loved me before he left. Tonight we are going to speak to his therapist I met with a few weeks back. I will fill you in on what he says.

In the meantime I have my friend Mike, the one who helped me get the car and stuff, and he has been here for me through everything. He is jealous and mad and doesnt understand why I choose MM over him. Because I am in love with MM and I have no chemistry with Mike whatsoever. I tried to go there but I am not attracted to him. I cant help it.  I dont want to end up cheating on him one day with someone who makes me hot. I am copying and pasting what he wrote to me in an email because it kind of upset me.


I'm glad you told him. It was going to come out eventually anyway.

I wanted to tell you this in person but since you're going to see (the therapist) later I might as well get it off my chest. This all comes from my heart as someone who loves you, and it's hard to say all this because I don't want to come off as angry or jealous or that I'm pressuring you and I know you don't like my long winded emails but here goes...

It's not my decision to make, it's between you and (MM). This may come as no surprise but I don't like (MM) and I don't trust him, he's conniving and manipulative, he's not worth your trust. He's done enough damage. All he's cared about is getting his rocks off and saving his precious fortune. If he really cared about you he would have protected you from this and stopped harming you a long time ago. You may not see it but I do. (the therapist) described him to me as a drug to you, you think it's good at the time but all it does is hurt you but you keep going back for more because (MM) disguises his lust as love and all this does is harm you and I'm tired of seeing you hurt by him and everyone else.

Don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind, because I believe in your heart of hearts that you know you've made the right choice. I know you have for yourself.

I could be wrong, I hope he's a man about this and supports you and this baby at least financially. I know I would make whatever sacrifices I had to if it were mine.

I've tried to offer you an alternative, a loving, compassionate life where you know I would never harm you, your daughter or your baby or try to change who you are because who you are is beautiful. I've grown to love you and her and will love your baby as well because it's yours.

I get to see him tomorrow, should be an interesting conversation.

Now I understand he cares, but I dunno. I feel he is judgemental as anyone would be.

After last nights conversation with MM, I was doubting my decision to not kill it. All I kept saying to myself was i think i made the wrong choice. Then I got an email this morning from the Sunday School director asking me if I could be a story teller in 2 weeks. they are doing differrent stories in the bible about 40 days for Lent. Guess what she asked me to do! Noah's Ark. I truly believe that was God telling me "you didnt make the wrong choice and I am here with you always." I know God will help me just like he did with my daughter. I was in total shock when I got that email. I need positivity and support to surround me. This was a brutal decision and I am scared daily. MM was saying "you are choosing to bring a child into this world in this fucked up suituation" No I didnt CHOOSE to get pregnant! It just happened! I chose not to murder it!
Anyway I will lfill you in later with what the therapist has to say. The one who apparently called him my drug who is no good for me.

Still havent shared the secret

I've been really sick and tired lately. Been going to bed at 8 or 9 pm and taking naps throughout the day and evening. It's now 9:11 and I am ready for bed. I've been depressed too, thinking what am I gonna tell people and what are they gonna think? Well there are really only a couple people that matter. My daughter is one of them. She opened the Internet and my previous page came up... a conversation with someone that said you're pregnant with (so and so)'s baby again? So my daughter, being the most amazing child you could have, sent me a text "we need to talk."  She held it in and didnt tell a soul. We talked about it Saturday and before she asked me anything or told me what she read she said "Mom, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you.  I wont judge you. Just please tell me whats going on." So I told her and it was like talking to a little adult. She said "Mom, please dont kill it. And please dont give it up for adoption, those kids have issues for the rest of their lives." How she is even knows this amazes me. I told my best friend Mike and my therapist and MM's therapist. I am yet to tell MM. He saw me at work 2 days ago and said "Did your stomach get a little bigger in the last week or so?" "You sayin I'm fat??" "No! I just know your body well and it looks a tiny bit bigger." Boy i was so tempted to say "um, put 2 and 2 together buddy! i sleep all afternoon at my desk, Im always nauseous with my ginger ale handy, I complain my boobs hurt plus they grew like an entire size and my stomach grew... think about it! But I just cant do it. Especially not at work. I have no idea when I'm gonna tell him. Not for 2 weeks since his therapist will be away next week. I am now 7 weeks.  I had a dream Monday night that my daughter asked me if I had a name yet. I said yes. Noah. When I woke up I looked up the name. It means: comfort, peace, and rest. Due date is in October. Libra. The sign Libra represents "peace-maker" Coincidence? Dont think so. I will have to do my best to protect my little peace maker who will clearly bring me peace comfort and joy. I have no idea what MM is gonna do but I cant worry about it. He can choose to be a part of his life or not. His loss.  Only time will tell what happens here...
I dont care at this point. As long as I feel peaceful about my decision and my daughter is happy and helpful, thats all that matters. the rest I can make work. God will help me for making the right choice. He did it when I had my daughter at 18.
On that note, time for bed...