He knows...

I am home sick from work but I decided to go in a half day. I feel awful. Been really sick through this. On Monday MM told me that I pressured him to make a decision and his decision was to stay with his wife and cut things off with me but still wanted to "coexist" and not hate each other. I was hurt and angry but never told him. I started looking for  a new job. Then last night we were still fighting over it and he told me I was pressuring him and crap and I said well I had a reason for it. Long story short he asked enough questions draggin it out of me and gfinallt asked point blank "are you pregnant?" I couldnt lie. I told him yes. He was in disbelief just as I was since he never came inside me. I had to almost prove it to him but then he finally believed me, cried and yelled a LOT. was mostly angry I waited so long to tell him because of course, he wanted to convince me to kill it. I was screaming at him he screamed at me, etc etc. I finally left, we were out of tissues since we both needed them. He gave me a long hug, a kiss, and told me he loved me before he left. Tonight we are going to speak to his therapist I met with a few weeks back. I will fill you in on what he says.

In the meantime I have my friend Mike, the one who helped me get the car and stuff, and he has been here for me through everything. He is jealous and mad and doesnt understand why I choose MM over him. Because I am in love with MM and I have no chemistry with Mike whatsoever. I tried to go there but I am not attracted to him. I cant help it.  I dont want to end up cheating on him one day with someone who makes me hot. I am copying and pasting what he wrote to me in an email because it kind of upset me.


I'm glad you told him. It was going to come out eventually anyway.

I wanted to tell you this in person but since you're going to see (the therapist) later I might as well get it off my chest. This all comes from my heart as someone who loves you, and it's hard to say all this because I don't want to come off as angry or jealous or that I'm pressuring you and I know you don't like my long winded emails but here goes...

It's not my decision to make, it's between you and (MM). This may come as no surprise but I don't like (MM) and I don't trust him, he's conniving and manipulative, he's not worth your trust. He's done enough damage. All he's cared about is getting his rocks off and saving his precious fortune. If he really cared about you he would have protected you from this and stopped harming you a long time ago. You may not see it but I do. (the therapist) described him to me as a drug to you, you think it's good at the time but all it does is hurt you but you keep going back for more because (MM) disguises his lust as love and all this does is harm you and I'm tired of seeing you hurt by him and everyone else.

Don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind, because I believe in your heart of hearts that you know you've made the right choice. I know you have for yourself.

I could be wrong, I hope he's a man about this and supports you and this baby at least financially. I know I would make whatever sacrifices I had to if it were mine.

I've tried to offer you an alternative, a loving, compassionate life where you know I would never harm you, your daughter or your baby or try to change who you are because who you are is beautiful. I've grown to love you and her and will love your baby as well because it's yours.

I get to see him tomorrow, should be an interesting conversation.

Now I understand he cares, but I dunno. I feel he is judgemental as anyone would be.

After last nights conversation with MM, I was doubting my decision to not kill it. All I kept saying to myself was i think i made the wrong choice. Then I got an email this morning from the Sunday School director asking me if I could be a story teller in 2 weeks. they are doing differrent stories in the bible about 40 days for Lent. Guess what she asked me to do! Noah's Ark. I truly believe that was God telling me "you didnt make the wrong choice and I am here with you always." I know God will help me just like he did with my daughter. I was in total shock when I got that email. I need positivity and support to surround me. This was a brutal decision and I am scared daily. MM was saying "you are choosing to bring a child into this world in this fucked up suituation" No I didnt CHOOSE to get pregnant! It just happened! I chose not to murder it!
Anyway I will lfill you in later with what the therapist has to say. The one who apparently called him my drug who is no good for me.