Worst week of my life

I cant even tell you how miserable I am. This was one of the worst weeks of my life. Monday night, he dumps me. Tuesday night we talk, and he says "you pressured me! I'm not ready for a decision so since you forced me, i choose her."  "well, there was a reason I pressured you in the last couple weeks" "why? are you pregnant or something?" "yes" That led to screaming and crying and fighting. I was so physically ill form from the fight that I went to work Wed at 1:30 and was sick as could be until 4:30 when I snuck under my desk to lay down until 5:15 to go see his therapist like he asked me to. 5:30 was the worst night of my life. The entire session he was so angry. He was angry before walking in. He had his little list of ALL the reasons why he thinks I should abort. Along with the fact that he accused me of lying about it and using it as a manipulation tactic. First of all, why would I do that? How dare you! He kept saying "I wanna understand the chain of events. Why is it that you tell me the day after I break up with you that you are pregnant?" The therapist kept saying Does it really matter though? Why dont you ask her why she was so afraid to tell you. Maybe she had to protect herself and the baby. The therapist kept saying "I dont think abortion is open for discussion. I think she made her choice and you will just have to face the fact that she is pregnant." It just made him more and more angry. He was screaming like a lunatic! The therapist was even uncomfortable at the screaming. I started to scream back. Finally he said "Make no mistake. We are done! I will never be with you. Ever again!" At that point I just burst into tears, and was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I couldnt stop no matter what. I am over emotional now as it is, but to say that to me like that, was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. Like he hated me or something. And I did nothing to him! I asked him to be with me or break up with me. So fine, break up with me. But there was no reason to do it like that. I cried for at least ten minutes in the session until I screamed at him "you are a fucking asshole! youre nothing but a coward and a loser and you'll never have enough guts to do anything you want to do with your life! you make me sick! I wish I never met you because youve don nothing but ruin my life!" Then I eventually left the two hours session in tears and went out to cry in my car for a little while longer (20 min) until I finally drove home.

As I sat in the car, I played my Christian music because I was in desperation and needed to reach out to God. He was there for me when I had my daughter and I know He's there now. I cried out to Him that I was sorry for doing everything I've been doing, I'm sorry I had an abortion, for sleeping with a married man, etc. I told him how much I needed Him because I just wanted to die. I heard Him answer me before I was done and He said "I'm here with you. I'll help you through this" Then all I could think of was how much he just HATED me and how he will continue to hate me the rest of my life. And I heard God or whoever answer "You dont know how he'll be in October" I remembered how I have had a month to freak out and be depressed and he had just one day. I felt what he felt for 4 weeks. It gets less shocking with each day. I also couldnt believe it. I pretended it wasnt real for the first 3-4 weeks!

I called out sick Thursday, and laid on my couch all day. I was so sick, so stressed, so depressed. All I kept hearing in my head over and over was "Make no mistake! We are done! etc" He eventually emailed me telling me how awful he felt about how upset I was and how he was so sorry and how he only gets that angry towards the people he loves the most and he didnt realize how much he loved me etc etc bullshit bullshit. I didnt respond. I had nothing to say to him. Thats not how you show love. If he loved me, he'd be with me. End of story. I still couldnt face him Friday and I was still very sick. I called out sick again. he emailed me over and over a over about the same bullshit. I responded and told him how much he hurt me and how he made a huge mistake and how all I could hear was what he said. It didnt matter what he said after. What mattered was how he responded to the crisis situation.  All he wanted was validation of his feelings. What about mine??? For all these years? You never ONCE validated mine! Not once!

Yesterday, he sent me a text saying his bbm was no longer bc his phone broke and he has an iphone. I told him I had sent him 2 emails and to read them. He barely responded to that text and never responded to my emails. I was so sick all day and night yesterday. I threw up last night. I FORCED myself to go to the store to get food which I had none of. I cried in the store, i cried on the way home, I cried last night. The first email I had sent him was about asking his help to find me a new job. He is the president of his networking group so I asked him to reach out to all of the presidents and ask if anyone in their groups are hiring. The second one I told him I have never been so devastated in my life. Told him how I sleep and cry and lay on the couch day and night and how I am very sick and how I actually got in trouble at work for calling out so much the last few weeks. No response.

Today, I ate a healthy breakfast with fruit, wheat, flaxseed, omega3, etc. I felt much better.  I also went to church. I was happy to be there. I enjoyed teaching about prayer to the kids. I sent the asshole a text and said "why is it that when you email and bbm me you want a response but when i do, you fucking ignore me? Its always ALL about YOU!" I absolutely hate him! I was willing to accept him with all his issues, baggage, moodiness, etc. But I was never enough. I will never be enough. And when he comes back, and mark my words, he will come back... it will be too late. And he will live in regret the rest of his life. And cry. And be depressed. And maybe I will yell in his face when he comes back "Make no mistake! you will NEVER be with me!" See how he feels.

I am so heartbroken though. I have an ultrasound wed afternoon and I am debating making a photocopy to show him to prove it to him that I am pregnant. I really really wish I never had to see him again. I am dreading going to work and having to look at him or speak to him. He hurt me more than anyone could know. I try to say things to myself like "thank god I am not in Japan. It could be worse!" but it doesnt make the pain in my heart go away. But in retrospect, I could have lost my family and home and all my belongings in an earthquake and tsunami and I could be starving. So this too shall pass...