porn

ok i used to like porn and couldnt get enough of it. until I started researching sex trafficking. then i would see stuff and wonder "is she doing this because she likes it? or because she's being forced to?" I went to pornhub.com and clicked on "teen" category. the very first photo was an asian girl who looked about 11 years old! didnt even have boobs yet! not even mosquito bites! i couldnt believe it! what do people think when they see that? do they just try to ignore it? i dont get it. and why does the person who is so conscious of sex trafficking the one who sees that first??? i have seen some absolutely disgusting photos and horrifying videos. it doesnt even turn me on anymore! i cant even watch more than 2 minutes before my stomach starts turning and the lust i enjoyed turns to disgust and when i make myself cum i get tears in my eyes. its ruined for me! then i think about as i browse the 1000's of videos out there, how many videos are being made and how many people are being violated and how much SEX is going on in the world! my god, is it disgusting! it literally makes me sick. and I have no one to talk about this to because I dont want people knowing i watch porn!!!

its horrifying. and somewhat depressing i cant enjoy it...

just read some old posts... and wow.

I just read some old posts, and I sound like the biggest loser! I have ZERO self worth and self esteem, I am totally pathetic, and all my posts hold so much PAIN and torment! What a loser I am to put up with this dead end love for so long! And I cant thank you all enough for being SO sweet to me and compassionate and wishing me joy and peace and love. If that were me reading someone else's blog I would have told them straight up how pathetic they sounded.

I really need to move on. The good thing is that when I read the old posts, it makes me feel better to know I really have lost some of my attachment and hope. I have given up and my heart has become distant. I was hanging on with the last thin strand knowing HE will regret losing me. But I honestly feel like its too late now.

I read the blog entry about the holiday cards and the labels... NOTHING HAS CHANGED! He is STILL making me do it and he is still sending out the bullshit "picture perfect family" card! The only thing that changed is that I said I'd make the cards and send them. I have given up.  I just wish I didnt have to work with him and see him every day. Thats what makes it hard to let go! If I didnt have to see him every day, forget it. He'd be history.

I will continue to remind myself through my old blogs how much pain he brings me. As I read them I just wanna get him out of my life! Like I am reading it as an outside person. I laugh at my patheticness. I think I should just give this guy a chance that loves me because he treats me right and is always looking for ways to make me happy. And it makes him happy when i say hi or email him or hug him or cuddle with him. He has no clue the animal I am in bed... I think he'll be pretty happy about it should I choose to stop being a loser!

the client event

Regarding my last post, I spoke to my therapist. She is wonderful. She told me that when I give love it comes back to me. and it may not come back from him, but it will come back from somewhere else and to NOT stop giving what's in my heart because it will come back.  Meanwhile it has, but from someone else. Also, in the meantime, mm's eyes have been opened to what I do for him and he went out and bought me the Audrey 100 book with a note that said "I DO listen, I DO appreciate you, and my life would never be the same if you didnt do what you do for me day in and day out" It meant a lot to me. Especially relating to work. He gave it to me at work and it was an appreciation for all the work I do for him. He went at 9:30 at night to get it because he knew I'd absolutely love it and did I ever!! Perfect gift.

 this is my favorite picture. I actually make this face when I'm with him. The biggest compliments I got from quite a few people at work and home was "you look like her! especially that one!"

There are 100 pictures of Audrey in here and I have a few in my house hanging up.  Very thoughtful gift. VERY.

So Thursday night we had a client appreciation event which was dinner and a play. The Lion in Winter. I got to do the entire thing. The caterer, the room, the tickets, the invites, etc. I had a great time. The best part was him letting his walls down. I gave him a glass of wine right away and said "drink up so I can take advantage of you!" LOL! I amuse myself. The best thing he said that night before the show started was "I cant hide that I'm just captivated by you" I said "what?" just so I could hear it again! then at the show I sat next to him and he was really sweet. Held my hand, gently caressed it with his fingers, etc. Told me the young girl, mistress, in the play reminded him of me because she just lived to make the King happy. Loved him with all her heart and even gave him his wine the way I gave mm his wine only an hour earlier.

Later we kissed in the hallway and in the room we rented as we got the leftovers, and had sex in the back of my new car. Had to christen it, ya know?

I started to feel a little weird as we had sex. I dont know if it was that i was physically ill, or if it was my emotions. I'm really scared that I am going to move on and by the time he realizes he wants me, I will be gone. I know I think about the future and the "what if's" too much and thats enough to make anyone sick. I even told him that night, "you WILL regret losing me"

thoughts anyone?

the painful decision

I hate him so much. I think I'm gonna keep a knife or something with me and every time that fucking disgusting selfish prick comes to my mind or I am nice to him, or think I want to be with him, I have to remind myself he brings nothing but pain to me! I will just cut myself (lightly) to remind myself HE=PAIN! He is disgusting. nothing but a user and a coward. Maybe THEN i can GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD HE WILL NEVER BE WITH ME! I am a fucking IDIOT for thinking so!!!! He only brings me pain and misery!! He made me kill my baby and for that, he cannot be forgiven.  Not by me.

All this time I've tried to protect him and HIS feelings while sacrificing my own! I can GUARANTEE he will end up like all my exes and regret what hes doing... letting me go. He will come back like the rest of them begging me and crying and stewing in his own loneliness. No one cared or will ever care about him like I do. I have loved him with unconditional selfless love. I learned from Jesus how to love and how to give yourself completely and when you get spit in the face, love some more. I have loved him with everything I could,.  And I begged and pleaded with him to not let me go for the sake of his own future. And unfortunately he is too stubborn to listen.  By the time he realizes he wants me enough to give up what he needs to, I will have moved on! It will be too late for him. Its just so sad because I have held on so long just to protect him and I cant anymore.  I went into this with wanting to please him KNOWING I'd end up heart broken and I did it anyway. I waited and held on, and I've had my heart broken and shattered and just couldn't get through to him. And when I get over him and move on, and my heart is cold towards him, he will come back and it will be too late. He will realize later on he made the wrong choice but it will be over.  He will deeply regret it just like the rest.
Oh well. His loss. I will move on to someone who loves me first! Someone who treats me right. And he will live in regret. And I wont feel sorry for him. I will say "I told you so" He makes me sick to my stomach.  He never ever deserved an ounce of my love. Ever. He is a piece of shit that needs to be flushed down the toilet!
He disgusts me.

went on a date last night with the guy i was talking about. the one who's in love with me that i am not feeling the same way towards. Especially since I am in love with the muffin man! went to the city to see Brian Regan. He paid for these tickets for us. $60 a piece. Paid for the whole evening.


Tell me if I'm a snob.

Every other guy I go out with would drive in the city and park. They would pay for the entire evening. I find it sexy when a man can drive in the city. I have major anxiety issues and should probably be on medication for it but I'm not. I absolutely HATE public transportation for the mere fact I hate "catching a train" taking a dirty smelly subway when I have no clue where I'm going, I feel so bad for all the poor people I cant help, it really bothers me when I see men sitting and not giving their seats up for women children and the elderly, and I hate having to be places at certain times. It makes me a nervous wreck! So usually I go into the city with a man who drives me in, we go where we are going, and get there early so we dont have to rush, or we just stroll into a restaurant and take our time and leave.

This one, however, tells me he's coming at 6 to get me, rings the bell at 5:58, which totally pisses me off... I wasnt ready! My outfits were all horrible. "I'll be too cold!" "I look fat" "too dressy" Too casual" ''too uncomfortable" etc! I was rushing like a lunatic and by the time we start to leave I am already having such bad anxiety I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I was sick the whole car ride. Mainly because I knew we were driving to a train station! then we had to take the train to the city, then a subway to Lincoln Center. I take the train when I go see my uncle in the city, but theres no time pressures! i tell him "I'll be there between 1 and 4!"

so we miss the first train. my fault. he said it was ine there was another one in 20 minutes. So im sitting in the train station, feeling sick, cant breathe, needing a shot of alcohol! we take the train to the subway where they were working on the tracks and we were totally delayed! Had to take a cab to lincoln center. Anyone ever notice how the cabs wreak of sweaty ass when you get in? why is that? I snet the muffin man a text while i fantasized about giving him a blow job in the cab, and was texting the other guy i go out with who drives me telling him he spoiled me! anyway we rush to get there and just made it on time. I got a shot of rum to relax and went in the show.  I dont want to be with a guy who barely has money. Is that a horrible thing? I have struggled with money my whole life and if I could be with someone who had money I'd rather have that than a poor guy. or a mediocre guy. I dont need a millionaire! trust me. Im not a gold digger. Im just saying I can choose what type of guy I fall in love with. Why not choose a guy who has enough money to drive into the city?

We were in the theater and I'm thinking to myself "ugh. We're in the city and can't even go out and do something fun! I dont have the money to pay for us both and I feel guilty spending his money! Now I have to schlep on a friggin train and subway again." I didnt complain to him because how dare i complain when he paid for it all. My sister told me I complain and sound completely ungrateful about things when people do things for me and I conciously tried to NOT complain. But I was cringing inside. Does this mean I'm high maintenance? or a snob? or a bitch? or a brat?

The men who spoil me never feel bad when I complain. They just tell me to shut up and get over it. They say "youre so annoying" or "youre such a brat" and they couldn't care less. obviously, since they continue to take me out. Maybe my problem is I really didnt want to be with him! Maybe if I was in love with him it wouldnt matter if we were on a train! YES!!! thats IT!!! I took a train with my muffin man and I kissed him the whole time and even had my hand in his pants! I wouldnt have cared where we were or what we did! as long as I was with him! oh my god! revelation!

ok what should i do???

Maroon 5 - Misery

its over yet i still hang on

its really pathetic that I'm afraid to let him go but heres the reason. I have met so many people who marry the person who is "good for them" or who would make a good wife/husband but down the road they aren't happy. they aren't satisfied or fulfilled. im so afraid of pursuing this guy who is in love with me, Mike, because he's a safe guy. boring, safe, and way too into me. And the muffin man, we send funny emails back and forth each day, theres major attraction and chemistry, he makes me laugh every day, and even through the fighting and the bad, he still makes me crazy for him. i think i'm used to the dysfunctional relationships based on my past, but I don't want to lose someone I love SO deeply. Im sure you think I'm pathetic but I'd rather be alone than be with someone I dont love and cheat on them. Because I'm afraid I might be the cheater.


This is torture. At least he is in counseling and he brought his wife. Guess what will happen. He will get the proof he needs to say "I want out" but the thing i'm worried about is will I be there?  Probably not. I cant let myself be THAT pathetic! I'm just drowning in my own misery and pain, holding onto to something by its last thread.

and by the way.. this is what our relationship is like.  A little less violence, a little more love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g6g2mvItp4 (i posted it separately. dont know how to add it to a post)

Finally got a computer!

I got some good stories!!!


They involve the naughty places we had sex at work! I think we must be crazy. Or at least I am. The latest thing we did started at his desk. He was fingering me and I cannot believe how ridiculously soaking wet I was. And he barely did anything! When he took his fingers out there was so much it was as if he came on his own fingers.

We then snuck into the filing closet where we moved some boxes and had sex. God it was extremely difficult to stay quiet!!! I had him cum in my mouth because it was just safer that way. He was so excited at the fact that we were at work in a closet that he had a hard time NOT cumming too quickly. Please tell me thats normal for any
age.

I've been looking for other guys and slept with a couple other guys but no one does it for me like mm does. For now.  The best news I have about him though, is that after MUCH struggle and hard work, I finally got him to go to a therapist and he really likes him a LOT! I am so happy and thankful he has someone to talk to and open up to because until now, he had no one. And the weirdest part is, after a few sessions, I realized that I went to middle school with the guy! I remembered the name, pictured him in my head, and had him ask him if he was from my town. Sure enough I was right. How weird is that?

Thats all for now...  I miss everyone on here. havent been on here in a while!!!!

confused...

i dont know what i want. im still in love with and willing to wait to muffin man but i also know that will take a long time. im not sure what kind of man i want either. i dont know if i want a man with money because i dont want to be dependent on HIS money, i want to make my OWN. but then again if he has money maybe he could help me do what i actually want to do.  but then i'll always feel like i owe him, or indebted to him. i hate that feeling. a couple people said thats MY problem and i need to deal with that or ill never find anyone.  i dont know.  i clearly have problems...

i struggle between wanting to have my own business and working and being successful and being a wife. i feel like im from the 30's/40's and want to take care of my husband like they did then and through the 50's. i wish i had a husband i loved who i could take care of the second he walks in the door. spoil him when he comes in and take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet and the place is clean when he gets home. i think that is very important, however, all i think of is how many men cheat on their wives with exciting wild women which i tend to be. the other woman. i definitely have a fear of my husband cheating. I WONDER WHY!

and its so hard to find someone to do all the things with me that i want to do. its so sad that mm would do MOST things with me, but cant. it really shouldnt be hard to find someone to take me to a burlesque show, or to fantasy fest in key west, or to a janiva magness outdoor concert in the city... i think those things are fun! it IS hard to find someone to go to a 30 seconds to mars concert in A.C. though. i need someone who gets the art of them. or of other things. and someone who is adventurous enough to explore other stuff. and someone who doesnt treat me like shit but someone who isnt pathetic and too eager. its so frustrating. i could find so many guys who would love to do all those things and who are attracted to me and theyre all fuckin married! ASEUIYDVNJSDJKFHLKJGHLSKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!  I honestly dont know what to do... im pretty much about to give up on ever finding the right guy for me.

pathetic

my phone wont let me post anymore and im pretty upset about it.

so im still working there.  still sleeping with him, but ive met other guys and slept with other guys and im pretty much over it. im using him for sex in the meantime til i find someone else. his pathetic cowardly weakness to follow his heart is such a turn off. he cant make up his mind, he doesnt have the strength to push thru what he has to in order to get what he wants, and hes satisfied in the misery.  pathetic. i dont even want him anymore. and i noticed hes the same way at work. he has never ONCE followed through on something he promised me or suggested.  not one fucking time! i said i needed $40 to cover my rent check and he said hed give it to me. next day, didnt even have $20.  didnt have a thing to give me. I told him ill never ask him for a thing again. Thats something i desperately NEEDED!! he disgusts me.

im just so over it. i met a HOT SEXY 23 year old who wants to take me out and let me tell you, that boy knows how to take care of me. he was amazing. he would grab my hair and throw me up against the wall and kiss me softly in a teasing way. actually respects me enough to take me OUT before he sleeps with me! only made out. he is SEXY!

also been talking to a guy i went to high school with. single. good job. great personality. EXTREMELY good looking. he invited me to see him so i hope it works out. i really do. but i have to LOWER my expectations because all i do is get disappointed.

my ex married boyfriend, the rich millionaire cane to see me in his fancy car.  told me how much he regrets letting me go. how he has this fancy penthouse in the city and all this money but hes lonely a could be and how if he wasnt married hed scoop me up and let me do whatever i want ands take me around the world.  now i can tell you he is very sincere and makes good on a promise. but im not interested anymore. NOT INTERESTED! im tired of the whole thing. i dont even know what else to say about it.

and thats that...

...continuation of the park

so we were on the swing together, and kissed a lot. it only takes a thought or the slightest touch to get us going. we were discussing how if i had had a skirt on, he couldve just slipped right into me.  but unfortunately i had pants.  none of this was planned. 

i decided to get off of him, and go on the monkey bars.  i had always wanted to see if I could still flip off like i used to.  this set of mokey bars was not the kind we remember as kids though. Now it has all different heights.  its low at one part and higher at the other part.  i went to the lowest part and climbed on top.  i told him to come up there and fuck me right there! ha ha! he wouldnt of course. but he did say he would if it were dark. so i hung myself upside down and was swinging back and forth. he was all nervous and kept saying can you please get down? 

shortly after, i mumbled, "uh oh." "what? youre stuck right?" "maybe i dunno," i answered, "come here! come help me!" so he comes to stand by me trying to figure out how to get me down when i see right in front of my upside down eyes, his crotch.  "wait a minute!!" i called out.  "DON'T MOVE!" i couldnt help myself! i unzipped his pants and pulled out his nice hard cock just WAITING for me to suck it. "what the hell are you doing?" he nervously called out. "are you CRAZY?" "mm hmm!" i said as I enjoyed licking and sucking every inch of him. He nervously looked around to make sure no one was looking.  As the blood was slowly rushing to my head and i was balancing myself dangling from my ankles, i was mesmorized and enjoying every minute of it! he came in my mouth and i swallowed it upside down. what a thirill it was! After his pants were back zipped up and he was laughing in astonishment, he sort of helped me up, but i figured it out. i jumped down and we both walked away laughing.  "do you understand how CRAZY that just was? how crazy YOU ARE?" he asked e. "uh yeah it was awesome! SO much fun!" ive never done that before and im sure many people havent.  as we walked away we saw some mothers staring at us so we went the OTHER way.  As we walked around the school there were tons of more parents and kids and a little league game going on. oops! only adds to the thrill. no one saw though so we were FINE!

anyway i told him, "told you you'd have fun! i TOLD YOU!" but even if i hadnt done that, we still wouldve had fun.  we have fun no matter WHAT we do!! which is why im so fuckin CRAAAAAZY about the asshole!!!

AAAAGH!!!

my stupid phone wont let me post ANYTHING!!!  i only have a minute so ill make it quick.  judging by the pain and the type of bleeding i had the baby aborted itself about 1-2 weeks in. then i broke up with the ass. but since i have to work with him its been MISERABLE! i HATE my job! the only thing i like is being more of a personal assistant.  but its for HIM! so i am forced to get along. i cried every day last week and this week i was a little better. we talked, and he was pretty nice.  so we were comfortable again. i think he felt responsible for my misery and couldnt bare it. so then i told him one day last week. follow me after work i wanna borrow you for 2 hours. so he did and he was so anxious to find out where we were going. he followed me to my elementary school playground! he was baffled of course. i told him "trust me we'll have fun!" so we walked around and i told him stories about when i was young.  how i used to tie up the little weeds that look like flowers and make jump ropes, and how i brought my cabbage patch kid to school every day. then i told him to come sit on the swing next to me while i swang on one. so when he got on his, i straddled him and we talked.  and kissed. then he told me how he tried to force his feelings to go away but they never die.  honestly, its getting old. either grow a fuckin set and get a divorce or help me find a job to get the fuck away from you!

anyway the BEST part of the story is coming up but i have no time.  i will write it tomorrow.  it was fantastic!  thanks to me of course and my crazy ideas and his willingness to let me do whatever i want! 

Two Prophetic Dreams

Dream one:
Sunday night, may 2nd, 2010

Muffin man was driving his car, I was in the passenger seat of his wife's car and she was driving following him in his car. He was driving really fast and we lost him. Instead of her calling him, she told me to call him and didn't seem to care that we lost him. So I called him, we bickered a little like we always do, and I hung up. Seemed as if he was my boyfriend now and she knew and was like "you can have him." i think i was pregnant in the  dream too.
Then we veered off the way of following him, and she went to pick up their 2 daughters. They certainly did not hate me which is good. Then we picked up my daughter. The dream left off with her in her car with her two kids and me and my daughter half in and half out of her car but he was alone far gone still driving. But still in contact with me through phone. Meaning he'd be coming back to me. Not her.
My interpretation:
She will find out about us, decide not to be with him anymore, he'll keep telling her he wants to work it out and to "follow" him some more but she will lose him because he is only caring about himself and his life, and she will pretty much hand him over to me and say he's all yours now. She will get custody. As for what happens with me and him and the baby? Not sure. I wasn't with him. He didn't take me with him, he was alone. Driving fast!
The significance of me and her in the car seems to me that he wants her and me on the side. Wants both of us.
But she's gonna find out. Who would stay married to someone who has had an affair and is in love with someone for two years? And if she finds out about the abortion and if I am pregnant again? He needs to confess but he won't. He keeps trying to cover it up and its gonna come out. But he was driving so fast its like no one can talk any sense into him!

Dream two:
Monday night, May 3rd, 2010

this dream was not dreampt by me.  this was from a coworker! friggin amazing!!

I was in total and complete shock today when a coworker came up to me this morning and said this. 
"oh my God! I had the most amazing dream about you last night! it was so REAL! it freaked me out it was so real! I dreampt I was in the delivery room with you and you were giving birth to a baby boy. And i saw him and held him and he was SO CUTE! he had a full head of dark hair and he was chubby! ooo he was so chubby and cute! and you-know-who was close by! he was there. But I couldn't believe how real it was! When I woke up I was shocked i was in a dream!"

I could NOT believe she was telling me this! I have had dreams and visions of me being pregnant with a boy and being with him. This is just more confirmation. I can literally see my baby in my womb in the spirit and I pray over it every day! He better get ready to have a son, cuz hes coming!!

As for the other guy i was seeing, i noticed its hard for me to look into his eyes because my heart is somewhere else. and hes boring...

I can take the early pregnancy test Sunday and I will post as soon as I know for sure.

i decided...

so... heres the latest.  

~he has a lot going on with his family and is one moody mother fucker
~i no longer have the energy or patience to keep giving while getting on half my return
~we had amazing sex monday because i was ridiculously horny
~he asked me if i was ovulating, i said possibly, yet he still came inside me.
~found out i was definitely ovulating until friday.  guess what. sperm lives inside you for five days.  i prayed about it saw myself with a toddler... um yeah no doubt i'm pregnant. after the third pregnancy, i have had enough. i REFUSE to keep killing my babies for this prick so he can continue cheating on his wife.
~i decided to break up with him. i'm done with this drama. 

so... in a nutshell....

i'm most likely pregnant, im dumping his pathetic ass, and im getting a new job to get away from him. 
 

you may be shocked at this post

Tuesday was muffin man's birthday. He came over after work for a couple hours because a. We never got to go to lunch and b. I wanted to spoil him and destress him like i usually do. He's been really stressed about his dads health and his family being neurotic about it. I felt horrible that it happened on his birthday but my feelings couldn't be contained any longer. For weeks I've been holding in my pain and anxiety about us. I finally bursted into tears telling him I can't do this anymore and we need to break up. I told him everything I said in the last post. He was heartbroken but because I am so completely in love with him I wiped my tears and kissed him all over and took care of him like I love to do. After all it was his birthday and I friggin broke up with the poor guy!! He said I didn't ruin it and he was amazed how much I love him that I always think of him.
Next day is wednesday. I told him we need to go see my therapist together (remember he knows her) and he had told me he would one day. I called her and asked her to move my appointment to that day if possible and told him he is going. I said you'd be at the gym at 6 so you're coming to see her with me at 6. End of story.
And he did! I was shocked. And not only that he couldn't have been more open! Long story short, she pulled out of him what he wants in this relationship and he told us he wanted to make it work and expressed how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He asked me if I could wait for him to sort things out but without the promise that I would definitely be with him. I couldn't answer that. I said what if I wait and you tell me you're gonna work things out with your wife and you can't see me anymore? I asked him do you have any idea how that would crush me?
He promised to continue going with me and sort this all out. Clearly he loves me and quite frankly I was shocked. Seemed like a dead end to me. It meant a lot.
Now my next problem is the other guy I've been hanging out with!!!! This is getting sticky...