Just to clarify... I had an abortion in Sept 2009. Miscarriage in Dec 2010, and now pregnant in January. I cant sleep. I toss and turn all nioght and wake up like 5 times thinking "is this real? am i really pregnant?" Then freak out to realize "yes it is!!" I dont know what to do. I have been in jury duty this week and I am completely enjoying my break from MM. He has a valentines card for me waiting at work. whoopty doo. The day is over.
As for what to do about having a baby vs abortion, I'm 33, not 17 ya know? My body won't spring back like at 17. I dont know what to do. I think about what a relief it is that I dont have a baby right now, but I also see visions of me and a little boy. I know its a boy. I think about how if i had a baby it wouldnt destroy my life. it may destroy his life though but not mine. So I either live with the guilt of killing another baby, or the guilt of destroying his family. I see my therapist tomorrow and I will post what she says abou this disaster.
Thank you again for offering your opinions advice and stories. I really appreciate it. Though i STILL dont know what to do! Thank you though!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Seeking guidance...
Just got back from church. The lesson was about having a relationship with God and how he wants to be a part of our lives and all we have to do is ask him to be. And ask forgiveness of our sins. I remembered being 18, just graduated high school, with a baby, and my biggest moral and financial supporter, my dad, was moving to Costa Rica. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go but my mother's house whom I had resented my whole life for never being around, and now my favorite and closest person in the world was leaving me. I was a mess. If it hadn't been for going to church and learning that God really loved me and wanted to help me, I'd be dead today. Clearly we all know I have issues and I make stupid mistakes. I need to pray and ask God for help here.
I would like to tell you all I am truly grateful that I have you all to read and comment and not one of you seem to judge me. Clearly I feel bad about myself already, and this is an easy way to make me feel worse. So I just wanna say thank you for NOT making me feel that way. Even though most of you are anonymous and invisible to me.
I'm thinking I should look for a new job where I can get away from him. And if I do keep it, I dont want an audience and I dont want him to see me. I mean I sit right outside his office. I distract him as it is! I need to get away from him regardless. But is it bad to start a new job pregnant? I help him a great deal at work too. I actually helped him double his production last year, and I got a raise and he got a promotion. I'm thinking he will need my help again this year! But he will probably just spend more money on his kids. This is such a disaster. But I have to remember to meditate and seek guidance. From my dad, my grandma, God...
I would like to tell you all I am truly grateful that I have you all to read and comment and not one of you seem to judge me. Clearly I feel bad about myself already, and this is an easy way to make me feel worse. So I just wanna say thank you for NOT making me feel that way. Even though most of you are anonymous and invisible to me.
I'm thinking I should look for a new job where I can get away from him. And if I do keep it, I dont want an audience and I dont want him to see me. I mean I sit right outside his office. I distract him as it is! I need to get away from him regardless. But is it bad to start a new job pregnant? I help him a great deal at work too. I actually helped him double his production last year, and I got a raise and he got a promotion. I'm thinking he will need my help again this year! But he will probably just spend more money on his kids. This is such a disaster. But I have to remember to meditate and seek guidance. From my dad, my grandma, God...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I am in complete shock
I never blogged on January 26th. The MM and I had an amazing night of sex. He came over after work, dominated me, used his tie to choke me and fucked the shit out of me. He did NOT cum inside me, and guess wht. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boobs have been hurting, i felt bloated, I thought I should have had my period by now but I took a test and it was fuckin positive in like 5 seconds. I am in complete shock. Just SHOCK. I dont know what to do. I mean this is the third baby of his and he didnt even cum inside me like the last 2 times!
I'm gonna die. This is how I feel...
My boobs have been hurting, i felt bloated, I thought I should have had my period by now but I took a test and it was fuckin positive in like 5 seconds. I am in complete shock. Just SHOCK. I dont know what to do. I mean this is the third baby of his and he didnt even cum inside me like the last 2 times!
I'm gonna die. This is how I feel...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Last Years Valentine Heartache
I read my journal entry from last year dated Feb 20, 2010. Thid year, I have fucking jury duty that hopefully I will get out of and that is my only time (during the day) that I would be able to see MM fo the holidy. Not that its that big of deal but I remember how romantic last year was. And I also remember him going to fucking Mexico with his family the following week. This year is a broken fuckin record! Same shit. I am going to type word for word the journal ebtry and plase keep in mind.... HIS MOTHER READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 20, 2010
I'm trying to end this dead-end-nothing-but-painful relationship, but
my feelings are so deep and strong its too difficult. He's my BEST
friend! The one I share everything with. I don't know how to handle my
emotions other than turn it into anger so I can stay strong enough to
resist him! I just hate him so much bc I love him so much. More than
anyone I ever loved before. But he HURTS me so badly!! How do you take
me out for a special romantic valentine night, give me a card and pour
your heart out in it, make deep passionate, sincere love to me, then
go on vacation with your WIFE? Oh god it makes me so sick to my
stomach! I feel like someone reaxched down, and ripped my stomach
through my throat! I've never been in such agony! I don't know If
there's anything more painful than having someone reject you and
choose someone else over you. Esp when you know they love you more.
But they don't choose you. They never choose you. They don't follow
their heart. They try to please everyone else. So painful. So
insulting. So demeaning. And the worst part is, he would love me with
unending, unmoving,unconditional love if he WASNT FUCKING MARRIED! He
makes me sick. I want him!!!! Forever!!!!! I don't want anyone else!!!
I don't want anyone else to toch me, get to know me, like me, even
LOOK at me! I don't want anyone else! Just him! But he just won't be
with me! :( (I actually drew the frown face)
1. how sick was i knowing she read that? i was mortified. i feel completely violated.
2. she told him "dont you dare take her out for valentine's day" which is proof she read this
3. nothing ever changes. i hate him for that. i need a life.
This is why I am pursuing girls for the moment so maybe I will be distracted!
February 20, 2010
I'm trying to end this dead-end-nothing-but-painful relationship, but
my feelings are so deep and strong its too difficult. He's my BEST
friend! The one I share everything with. I don't know how to handle my
emotions other than turn it into anger so I can stay strong enough to
resist him! I just hate him so much bc I love him so much. More than
anyone I ever loved before. But he HURTS me so badly!! How do you take
me out for a special romantic valentine night, give me a card and pour
your heart out in it, make deep passionate, sincere love to me, then
go on vacation with your WIFE? Oh god it makes me so sick to my
stomach! I feel like someone reaxched down, and ripped my stomach
through my throat! I've never been in such agony! I don't know If
there's anything more painful than having someone reject you and
choose someone else over you. Esp when you know they love you more.
But they don't choose you. They never choose you. They don't follow
their heart. They try to please everyone else. So painful. So
insulting. So demeaning. And the worst part is, he would love me with
unending, unmoving,unconditional love if he WASNT FUCKING MARRIED! He
makes me sick. I want him!!!! Forever!!!!! I don't want anyone else!!!
I don't want anyone else to toch me, get to know me, like me, even
LOOK at me! I don't want anyone else! Just him! But he just won't be
with me! :( (I actually drew the frown face)
1. how sick was i knowing she read that? i was mortified. i feel completely violated.
2. she told him "dont you dare take her out for valentine's day" which is proof she read this
3. nothing ever changes. i hate him for that. i need a life.
This is why I am pursuing girls for the moment so maybe I will be distracted!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Getting Physical at work.. you be the judge
I wanna tell you a story that happened last night at work and I want you give your honest opinion. I am really upset about this.
The situation:
Two guys I work with, (one of them being the muffin man) got into an argument a tthe end of the day. Now, ususally I am there with "The 5:00 crew" as we call ourselves. there are 5 of us. B, L, MM, Me, and Crazy Eyes. I actually left at 5:15/5:20 yesterday, and they were all still there. I still wonder if MM's inner turmoil had to do with what happened next but it went way too far. Crazy comes over and starts talkin his negativity to B, and MM makes a comment, "no one wants to hear it, ____" and Crazy gets annoyed. Then he continues talking to B, and MM says "B doesnt wanna hear it either" and since I wasnt there and I heard 2 sides to the story, I'm not sure exactly what happened to lead to the craziness that happened next. Somehow Crazy gets pushed to the point where he has his hands around MM's neck, shoves him into his door, breaks the door stopper in the wall to thepoint where there is now a huge hole in the wall, and continues to go at him like he's gonna punch him. but L jumps in, and holds back Crazy while he is literally almost foaming at the mouth. Finally he leaves after screaming, and a few minutes later comes back to start again! B and L stand in the way to stop it from happening, and he walks away.
The arguments:
Crazy told me that MM came out of his office starting with him and that he warned him 3 times to back off or he'd flip out. MM said nothing he said would make anyone that angry, unless hes just crazy. Ive seen MM push buttons. He makes me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!! But I would NEVER lay a hand on him. Crazy Eyes does have a little chemical imbalance and I've seen him fly off the handle and he is SCARY when he gets like that! No one and nothing can calm him down!
The history:
Crazy eyes and our branch manager have known each other for a long time. He has warned him many times to stop acting like that but as he always defends him he says, well he has a good heart. Also, crazy eyes is the biggest pruducer in the company. And the Branch manager can be quoted by me saying "if I didnt know he had a good heart, I'd fire him" and that was when he flipped out screaming when clients were in the building!
The punishment:
Crazy eyes called the BM first thing in the morning to confess to save his own ass, and declared he was staying home for the day. BM told him to stay home til Monday. That was it!!!
Later on Crazy eyes calls me to tell me "his side" since I am friends with both of them, and I don't know what to believe because I wasnt there. I dont care how well you know CE, how much money he makes, or who was right or wrong, that absolutely should NOT be allowed in a work environment! I honestly want to quit now. If I didnt need my job, I'd tell them how disgusted I am with the place and how unprofessional it is on SO many levels and leave. I am definitely going to look for a new job to not only find a more professional place, but to get away from the man who brings me too much pain in my life. The one who plans on going on yet another family vacation like everythings all fuckin honky dorey. fuck him!
Judgement:
Now you be the judge and give me your thoughts on this situation
The situation:
Two guys I work with, (one of them being the muffin man) got into an argument a tthe end of the day. Now, ususally I am there with "The 5:00 crew" as we call ourselves. there are 5 of us. B, L, MM, Me, and Crazy Eyes. I actually left at 5:15/5:20 yesterday, and they were all still there. I still wonder if MM's inner turmoil had to do with what happened next but it went way too far. Crazy comes over and starts talkin his negativity to B, and MM makes a comment, "no one wants to hear it, ____" and Crazy gets annoyed. Then he continues talking to B, and MM says "B doesnt wanna hear it either" and since I wasnt there and I heard 2 sides to the story, I'm not sure exactly what happened to lead to the craziness that happened next. Somehow Crazy gets pushed to the point where he has his hands around MM's neck, shoves him into his door, breaks the door stopper in the wall to thepoint where there is now a huge hole in the wall, and continues to go at him like he's gonna punch him. but L jumps in, and holds back Crazy while he is literally almost foaming at the mouth. Finally he leaves after screaming, and a few minutes later comes back to start again! B and L stand in the way to stop it from happening, and he walks away.
The arguments:
Crazy told me that MM came out of his office starting with him and that he warned him 3 times to back off or he'd flip out. MM said nothing he said would make anyone that angry, unless hes just crazy. Ive seen MM push buttons. He makes me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!! But I would NEVER lay a hand on him. Crazy Eyes does have a little chemical imbalance and I've seen him fly off the handle and he is SCARY when he gets like that! No one and nothing can calm him down!
The history:
Crazy eyes and our branch manager have known each other for a long time. He has warned him many times to stop acting like that but as he always defends him he says, well he has a good heart. Also, crazy eyes is the biggest pruducer in the company. And the Branch manager can be quoted by me saying "if I didnt know he had a good heart, I'd fire him" and that was when he flipped out screaming when clients were in the building!
The punishment:
Crazy eyes called the BM first thing in the morning to confess to save his own ass, and declared he was staying home for the day. BM told him to stay home til Monday. That was it!!!
Later on Crazy eyes calls me to tell me "his side" since I am friends with both of them, and I don't know what to believe because I wasnt there. I dont care how well you know CE, how much money he makes, or who was right or wrong, that absolutely should NOT be allowed in a work environment! I honestly want to quit now. If I didnt need my job, I'd tell them how disgusted I am with the place and how unprofessional it is on SO many levels and leave. I am definitely going to look for a new job to not only find a more professional place, but to get away from the man who brings me too much pain in my life. The one who plans on going on yet another family vacation like everythings all fuckin honky dorey. fuck him!
Judgement:
Now you be the judge and give me your thoughts on this situation
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Empty Feelings
What a nightmare last night was. The hot YOUNG dominican calls me and as usual, last minute, says "I can come tonight, but I have to leave tomorrow." I was less than thrilled because I hate the last minute stuff, there was ice all over the roads, and the last time I was with him I felt nothing. I was completely empty. SO I tried to make it obvious in my tone and lack of excitement that I didnt want him to come. But I forgot hes a man. Men dont "catch on," I have to be blunt and honest. So I sent him a text saying I really didnt want him to come with a bunch of excuses and he should catch a flight home. Needless to say he was upset that he flew all the way from LA to see me and when he lands, he gets those texts. He was pissed and couldnt find a flight til 630am. So now I was really upset. I didnt wanna see him. I've been "over it" for a couple weeks now. His conversations are surfaced, I barely know him, or see him. Yes he is fun and makes me laugh but he's immature. Like making loud noises and yelling in my apartment when I have neighbors. Even though I wrote in a previous blog that I have the "worst neighbors." We all know the real problem though... I'm completely in love with another man. He has my whole heart, body, mind, and soul. I cant' share it. And thats what bothers me the most. I feel so horrible that he likes me and I am being totally unfair. I can't offer him my heart or my life. It's wrapped around some married guy.
I wouldnt let him touch me. I couldnt even kiss him. I couldnt even look into his eyes. Then I kept thinking I'm sabotaging this. I couldnt figure out if I really am not interested because of his secrets, and shallow talks, and constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, too young... or am I just sabotaging it because I am in love with someone else? I'm confused about that. Well the whole night was horrible. I felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me, and was forcing himself on me. I actually got so scared I went into my daughters bed and locked the door. He sent me a long text about how bad I was making him feel and how he wanted to go home.
This morning I took my daughter to school and came back to talk to him. He didnt really talk but wanted me to kiss and make up. I was too scared to be honest because I dont know how he'll react. Will he yell? get violent? I dunno. He's so much stronger than me. So I laid there and cried my eyes out. He asked what was wrong and I explained to him how I feel empty inside when I kiss him and I dont have feelings and when i kiss a guy I need feelings. I told him how I felt about his secrets, and shallow talks, the constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, barely getting to see him, etc. So he tried as hard as he could to pull me back into where we were. Told me he wants to fix it and be my boyfriend etc. When he asked me if I wanted to just leave it alone I said no. a. i was scared, and b. I wasnt sure if I should let him go because like I said I am confused.
I took a shower and just kept crying and crying. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of my love. I love him so much and I'm so comfortable with him. Not scared, free to be myself, he doesnt annoy me, and we can read each other like a book. I couldnt stop crying! I drove him to the airport where we left it off as he was trying to "fix it" and I gave him a kiss good bye. I felt so horrible for making him feel so bad. And he felt so bad for making me upset. The only thing he did that i didnt like was forcing himself me. But in his mind he was doing what a boyfriend would do? I dunno. But if i say "im not feeling it," or "stop" that should make you back off.
I went to work so depressed. I cried half the way there. I was thinking to myself how upset I was that MM made sure he pulled me back in when this new guy came in the picture and he literally pulled me away from him. Dont DO that if you arent going to be with me!!! I was so hurt and sad and angry and guilty. I got to work and MM was leaving for a ski trip with some other guys at work so I only got to see him for 15 min. Guess what I did in those 15 min. He called me in his office to say good bye and give me a hug. He gave me such a strong long hug and I knew he was saying "i love you." I cried on his shoulder of course and walked away. I couldnt even speak words. I had to text him "have a good time. be safe." I also left a little note in his bag.
I am so in love with him and he still has to tell em what happened in his therapy session. He said he was gonna talk about me. I hope that doesnt mean hes gonna ignore me now. If hes out with the men on a trip do you think hes really gonna think about it? or me? doubtful. I honestly hope he doesnt. I hope he has a good time and is stress free. I'll have stress waiting for him when he comes back. ha!
need advice and opinions...
I wouldnt let him touch me. I couldnt even kiss him. I couldnt even look into his eyes. Then I kept thinking I'm sabotaging this. I couldnt figure out if I really am not interested because of his secrets, and shallow talks, and constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, too young... or am I just sabotaging it because I am in love with someone else? I'm confused about that. Well the whole night was horrible. I felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me, and was forcing himself on me. I actually got so scared I went into my daughters bed and locked the door. He sent me a long text about how bad I was making him feel and how he wanted to go home.
This morning I took my daughter to school and came back to talk to him. He didnt really talk but wanted me to kiss and make up. I was too scared to be honest because I dont know how he'll react. Will he yell? get violent? I dunno. He's so much stronger than me. So I laid there and cried my eyes out. He asked what was wrong and I explained to him how I feel empty inside when I kiss him and I dont have feelings and when i kiss a guy I need feelings. I told him how I felt about his secrets, and shallow talks, the constant travelling, sketchy shit going on, always working, barely getting to see him, etc. So he tried as hard as he could to pull me back into where we were. Told me he wants to fix it and be my boyfriend etc. When he asked me if I wanted to just leave it alone I said no. a. i was scared, and b. I wasnt sure if I should let him go because like I said I am confused.
I took a shower and just kept crying and crying. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of my love. I love him so much and I'm so comfortable with him. Not scared, free to be myself, he doesnt annoy me, and we can read each other like a book. I couldnt stop crying! I drove him to the airport where we left it off as he was trying to "fix it" and I gave him a kiss good bye. I felt so horrible for making him feel so bad. And he felt so bad for making me upset. The only thing he did that i didnt like was forcing himself me. But in his mind he was doing what a boyfriend would do? I dunno. But if i say "im not feeling it," or "stop" that should make you back off.
I went to work so depressed. I cried half the way there. I was thinking to myself how upset I was that MM made sure he pulled me back in when this new guy came in the picture and he literally pulled me away from him. Dont DO that if you arent going to be with me!!! I was so hurt and sad and angry and guilty. I got to work and MM was leaving for a ski trip with some other guys at work so I only got to see him for 15 min. Guess what I did in those 15 min. He called me in his office to say good bye and give me a hug. He gave me such a strong long hug and I knew he was saying "i love you." I cried on his shoulder of course and walked away. I couldnt even speak words. I had to text him "have a good time. be safe." I also left a little note in his bag.
I am so in love with him and he still has to tell em what happened in his therapy session. He said he was gonna talk about me. I hope that doesnt mean hes gonna ignore me now. If hes out with the men on a trip do you think hes really gonna think about it? or me? doubtful. I honestly hope he doesnt. I hope he has a good time and is stress free. I'll have stress waiting for him when he comes back. ha!
need advice and opinions...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Taco Bell
I went to a dept store after work yesterday with the MM to get keurig coffee for our Keurig he bought us. I missed the entrance and had to park in the Taco Bell lot. I walked thru snow and through the parking lot as he was calling out to me "where the hell did you go???"
We walked around the store and pointed out all this stuff we would have wanted to buy together if we lived together. In one aisle he kissed me a few times and looked at me with this look that made me feel sad. I told him this, "it makes me so sad for you that you wear your stress on your face. and theres this look you give me that shows all your worries subside and youre so in love with me. and Im the only one that gets to see that face. im the only one that gets to see you so happy and blissful." he nodded in agreement and said "youre right. it IS sad. Im just not happy"
I know how he feels about me in the way he kisses me, touches me, looks at me, and how when we are in a store together he just wants to buy me whatever I want. Makes me feel good. ya know, and sad.
So he drove me to my car and we sat in the car and kissed. It was so amazing. He held my face in his hands and kissed me softly, passionately, and with emotions from deep within. We kissed and kissed for a long time. I LOVE kissing him like that. The sad part was, he would kiss me a few times, then sigh. then kiss, then sigh... I could feel all his sadness in those sighs, and all his love for me in his kisses. I brought it up to talk to him about it and he said he IS sad because he wants to be with me so badly but he feels stuck. I know he loves his kids too. At least he will be talking to his therapist tomorrow about it. I spotted another couple two cars down doing exactly what we were doing! I said "is taco bell the hot spot for secret love affairs??" I wonder if they were in the same situation as us. I think so. Then we found a satellite radio station we both liked. channel 3! "love" smooth operator was playing. then the next song came on and I wish I could remember what it was, but he was singing the words to me. He has one of those voices that you want him to sing a little softer than the voice on the radio because its of the greatest but its cute, ya know? As he sang and looked at me the way he does as he's in love, it made me start to cry. My mind was thinking about all the places I want to travel with him and all the things I want to experience with him. The apartment we talked about having and how we would decorate it. My emotions were so mixed. In love, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. UGH! I'm SO SO SO in love with him!! He asked me why i was crying and I told him. He responded with " I really need to figure this out because every day I fall more and more in love with you. And I'm just not happy without you."
UGH!
Meanwhile my sexy latino is coming to see me this week. The last time he was here, I was thinking about MM and had no feelings towards him. It's bad. I cant have feelings for more than one guy at a time. Now I am meeting a bunch of women online and I plan on having one of them in the mix! I will continue to have fun and play the field until the love of my life makes a commitment. I think he will but no, i wont wait forever.
tune unto my other blog for the update on the women.
We walked around the store and pointed out all this stuff we would have wanted to buy together if we lived together. In one aisle he kissed me a few times and looked at me with this look that made me feel sad. I told him this, "it makes me so sad for you that you wear your stress on your face. and theres this look you give me that shows all your worries subside and youre so in love with me. and Im the only one that gets to see that face. im the only one that gets to see you so happy and blissful." he nodded in agreement and said "youre right. it IS sad. Im just not happy"
I know how he feels about me in the way he kisses me, touches me, looks at me, and how when we are in a store together he just wants to buy me whatever I want. Makes me feel good. ya know, and sad.
So he drove me to my car and we sat in the car and kissed. It was so amazing. He held my face in his hands and kissed me softly, passionately, and with emotions from deep within. We kissed and kissed for a long time. I LOVE kissing him like that. The sad part was, he would kiss me a few times, then sigh. then kiss, then sigh... I could feel all his sadness in those sighs, and all his love for me in his kisses. I brought it up to talk to him about it and he said he IS sad because he wants to be with me so badly but he feels stuck. I know he loves his kids too. At least he will be talking to his therapist tomorrow about it. I spotted another couple two cars down doing exactly what we were doing! I said "is taco bell the hot spot for secret love affairs??" I wonder if they were in the same situation as us. I think so. Then we found a satellite radio station we both liked. channel 3! "love" smooth operator was playing. then the next song came on and I wish I could remember what it was, but he was singing the words to me. He has one of those voices that you want him to sing a little softer than the voice on the radio because its of the greatest but its cute, ya know? As he sang and looked at me the way he does as he's in love, it made me start to cry. My mind was thinking about all the places I want to travel with him and all the things I want to experience with him. The apartment we talked about having and how we would decorate it. My emotions were so mixed. In love, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, hopeless and hopeful at the same time. UGH! I'm SO SO SO in love with him!! He asked me why i was crying and I told him. He responded with " I really need to figure this out because every day I fall more and more in love with you. And I'm just not happy without you."
UGH!
Meanwhile my sexy latino is coming to see me this week. The last time he was here, I was thinking about MM and had no feelings towards him. It's bad. I cant have feelings for more than one guy at a time. Now I am meeting a bunch of women online and I plan on having one of them in the mix! I will continue to have fun and play the field until the love of my life makes a commitment. I think he will but no, i wont wait forever.
tune unto my other blog for the update on the women.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
please go to other blog today
I had too much stuff on my mind so I posted over on today's "F-ed" up thought. Would love your opinions. Especially Rafa...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
His Mother Knows...
Let me start off with this. He went to see his parents in December and took my journal I gave him so he could read some stuff I wrote about him. Dreams I had, my personal entries of how I feel and how much pain I am in, and things psychics have told me that were incredible. VERY PERSONAL STUFF I would only let HIM see. He never got a moment alone to read it so he hid it. Then LEFT IT THERE BY MISTAKE! I am still waiting for his mother to mail it. "My mother won't read it. If I say please mail it back but don't read it, it's someone's personal journal, she won't read it." "Are you out of your mind??? Shes a woman, she's a yentah, and she's your mother! She's reading it! Good luck with that!"
This last month he's been pulling me back in and coming on so strong, like I said. Skipping most of the detail, because I don't feel like writing a book, we went to Friday's for a drink after work on Thursday with some other coworkers. I drove him there so I could be alone with him for the short amount of time there and back. He wanted to skip it and go to my house but I said no. We went to dinner and had a great time. Afterwards, I drove him back but we mutually wanted to park somewhere and have sex. I just wanted to kiss him so badly and feel his body against mine. I haven't felt him on me in a long time. So we ended up having sex crammed in my car. Me on top of him on the passenger seat. I held back my tears at one point because I love him so much. I held onto his neck so tightly he started to laugh and said "you're choking me" he knew I was trying not to cry. "you're afraid of losing me aren't you?" he asked. "mmm hmm," i mumbled in his neck as i sniffed.
Next night I have my therapist. I have 2 hours to kill after work so I asked him to go get a drink with me again so we could talk. So we go and talk about everything! He told me how his client was telling him his daughter was getting divorced and how he firmly believes in NOT staying married for the kids. And MM told me he didn't think that was a coincidence at ALL that he spoke about that. He talked about how he is scared of getting a divorce because of his fear of losing his kids' love and how he wants to live with me and do all the things we want to do together. He said "you know I will lose half of all my money right?" "I dont care! We'll make money together!" "I'll have to give half away, you know that right?" "dont care" "you love me that much huh?" "I do"
I told him "I think you really need to tell someone already. I think you need to tell your mother whats going on." "are you crazy? my mother?" "yes! she loves you more than anyone in the whole world. And you need to get this out in the open already!" We end up talking for so long that I missed my session.
Saturday morning.
He comes over. He has not been over in months! I couldnt wait for him to make love to me because I know how he feels about me the way he kisses me. During the foreplay, my mind was racing. I was feeling guilty and thinking about my new guy (who is not my actual boyfriend yet, but he still trusts me and I feel awful) I was thinking about his wife, and about if I should be with him, will I be with him, will he get cold feet, will he really follow his heart, etc. The moment he became one with me it was the most amazing experience of my life. We are one spirit soul and body. I felt so connected with him and so close to him and like we belonged together. I was totally in love. I was sucked right back in the web I've been in.
Monday morning we are at work. Everything's fine. The phone rings, I pick it up. It's his mother. "hello dear. is my son there?" we chit chat for a moment and he picks up. I do not notice the conversation until he shuts his office door and starts yelling on the phone "YOU READ IT? I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" My heart starts pounding and I am so nervous. Please do not tell me she read my EXTREMELY personal journal! I eavesdrop on this hour and a half long phonecall and there is no doubt in my mind this is what happened. I heard him talking about his wife, about me, about his kids. Oh my fucking god. What am I going to do now? Should I talk to him? Should I not talk to him? Should I bring it up? Should I not? Finally I send him a text: she read my journal didn't she? Finally when he gets off, he is sighing, slamming papers, not saying a word. I said "are you ok?" "yeah" "was I right?" "yep. It's ok though"
Finally I speak briefly to him about it at the end of the day because I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it. We tried to focus on work. He told me she wasnt mad. She wasnt surprised. She knew he has been unhappy the last 7 years. And her biggest concern was the turmoil he is in. "I told you she read it! And dont you find it interesting that I felt in my heart you should talk to her and she called 3 days later?"
Not only did he get this phonecall yesterday, he had a fever. He was sick yesterday and today with a stomach virus I most likely gave him. So its hard to read him because my first reaction is "he hates me. He's going to push me away again just like he has been." But I cant tell if he is, or if it's all in my head because I expect the rejection, or if he's just sick! It's torture. I emailed his therapist whom he has not seen in over a month bc of insurance issues, and said please call him. He desperately needs you right now. He set up an appointment with him thank god.
Meanwhile I have my new man, who lives far away and I barely get to see him. I miss him terricbly. I am so needy of attention and affection it's a little ridiculous. But he is so patient with me and sweet to me. Our relationship is very surfaced rgiht now but I think all relationships staret that way, dont they? You get closer in time? I feel like I am not giving it 100% becasue I am still in love with this one! But to be brutally honest wiht you and myself, my biggest fear in life is that I will end up old and alone. I am scared that if I break away form MM, I will lose him forever. And I dont know if I'll find someone else forever. The new guy my not be the one either. I just don't want to lose MM because if he does go through with a divorce, I know i'll be happy with him. But then again can you really know that after two years? I dont know. Can you? I'm in turmoil....
This last month he's been pulling me back in and coming on so strong, like I said. Skipping most of the detail, because I don't feel like writing a book, we went to Friday's for a drink after work on Thursday with some other coworkers. I drove him there so I could be alone with him for the short amount of time there and back. He wanted to skip it and go to my house but I said no. We went to dinner and had a great time. Afterwards, I drove him back but we mutually wanted to park somewhere and have sex. I just wanted to kiss him so badly and feel his body against mine. I haven't felt him on me in a long time. So we ended up having sex crammed in my car. Me on top of him on the passenger seat. I held back my tears at one point because I love him so much. I held onto his neck so tightly he started to laugh and said "you're choking me" he knew I was trying not to cry. "you're afraid of losing me aren't you?" he asked. "mmm hmm," i mumbled in his neck as i sniffed.
Next night I have my therapist. I have 2 hours to kill after work so I asked him to go get a drink with me again so we could talk. So we go and talk about everything! He told me how his client was telling him his daughter was getting divorced and how he firmly believes in NOT staying married for the kids. And MM told me he didn't think that was a coincidence at ALL that he spoke about that. He talked about how he is scared of getting a divorce because of his fear of losing his kids' love and how he wants to live with me and do all the things we want to do together. He said "you know I will lose half of all my money right?" "I dont care! We'll make money together!" "I'll have to give half away, you know that right?" "dont care" "you love me that much huh?" "I do"
I told him "I think you really need to tell someone already. I think you need to tell your mother whats going on." "are you crazy? my mother?" "yes! she loves you more than anyone in the whole world. And you need to get this out in the open already!" We end up talking for so long that I missed my session.
Saturday morning.
He comes over. He has not been over in months! I couldnt wait for him to make love to me because I know how he feels about me the way he kisses me. During the foreplay, my mind was racing. I was feeling guilty and thinking about my new guy (who is not my actual boyfriend yet, but he still trusts me and I feel awful) I was thinking about his wife, and about if I should be with him, will I be with him, will he get cold feet, will he really follow his heart, etc. The moment he became one with me it was the most amazing experience of my life. We are one spirit soul and body. I felt so connected with him and so close to him and like we belonged together. I was totally in love. I was sucked right back in the web I've been in.
Monday morning we are at work. Everything's fine. The phone rings, I pick it up. It's his mother. "hello dear. is my son there?" we chit chat for a moment and he picks up. I do not notice the conversation until he shuts his office door and starts yelling on the phone "YOU READ IT? I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" My heart starts pounding and I am so nervous. Please do not tell me she read my EXTREMELY personal journal! I eavesdrop on this hour and a half long phonecall and there is no doubt in my mind this is what happened. I heard him talking about his wife, about me, about his kids. Oh my fucking god. What am I going to do now? Should I talk to him? Should I not talk to him? Should I bring it up? Should I not? Finally I send him a text: she read my journal didn't she? Finally when he gets off, he is sighing, slamming papers, not saying a word. I said "are you ok?" "yeah" "was I right?" "yep. It's ok though"
Finally I speak briefly to him about it at the end of the day because I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it. We tried to focus on work. He told me she wasnt mad. She wasnt surprised. She knew he has been unhappy the last 7 years. And her biggest concern was the turmoil he is in. "I told you she read it! And dont you find it interesting that I felt in my heart you should talk to her and she called 3 days later?"
Not only did he get this phonecall yesterday, he had a fever. He was sick yesterday and today with a stomach virus I most likely gave him. So its hard to read him because my first reaction is "he hates me. He's going to push me away again just like he has been." But I cant tell if he is, or if it's all in my head because I expect the rejection, or if he's just sick! It's torture. I emailed his therapist whom he has not seen in over a month bc of insurance issues, and said please call him. He desperately needs you right now. He set up an appointment with him thank god.
Meanwhile I have my new man, who lives far away and I barely get to see him. I miss him terricbly. I am so needy of attention and affection it's a little ridiculous. But he is so patient with me and sweet to me. Our relationship is very surfaced rgiht now but I think all relationships staret that way, dont they? You get closer in time? I feel like I am not giving it 100% becasue I am still in love with this one! But to be brutally honest wiht you and myself, my biggest fear in life is that I will end up old and alone. I am scared that if I break away form MM, I will lose him forever. And I dont know if I'll find someone else forever. The new guy my not be the one either. I just don't want to lose MM because if he does go through with a divorce, I know i'll be happy with him. But then again can you really know that after two years? I dont know. Can you? I'm in turmoil....
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I'm totally confused
He is coming on SO STRONG, telling me how much he loves me and wants to get a divorce to be with me because he can't stnad losing me for a minute. I cried today because I feel like i fell for it AGAIN but had to remind myself when push comes to shove he wont! And i am going to be alone again.
And the new guy is in Mexico, tellin me some sketchy stuff... I dont trust either of them. I dont even know what I want now ro what to do. Im not only confused, but a little depressed too.
I wish I could see the future and know what to do.
And the new guy is in Mexico, tellin me some sketchy stuff... I dont trust either of them. I dont even know what I want now ro what to do. Im not only confused, but a little depressed too.
I wish I could see the future and know what to do.
Monday, January 10, 2011
im so in love
Okay, well ya know, not literally in love... but you know what i mean
It hasnt even been a week since i last saw him and he was going to mexico for 2 weeks. Said he is doing what he needs to do (work wise) and coming to see me Thursday. Which makes his trip from 2 weeks down to 3 days. To see ME instead of the beacjh in Cancun. Can you imagine? Its been a week since I saw him. A week feels like 3 weeks. I video chatted with him and the second I saw his face i got butterflies! I forgot how friggin CUTE HE IS!!!! oh my god.
And the muffin man is all desperate trying to suck me back in... he's making it difficult. Will expand on this later.
My therapist said today "what is the right thing to do? think about it. Whats right for you?" She also said "he is making sacrifices and flying to see you every week. It makes you feel special right? Imagine, this is just the very beginning!"
I didnt even think about that.
So happy...
And she said, as for the mm, "hes saying hes thinking about marrying you now, and how he's going to do it. well first of all, why is he thinking about it NOW? he didnt think about it all along? and thinking means nothing. DOING is something else. Let him prove it."
It hasnt even been a week since i last saw him and he was going to mexico for 2 weeks. Said he is doing what he needs to do (work wise) and coming to see me Thursday. Which makes his trip from 2 weeks down to 3 days. To see ME instead of the beacjh in Cancun. Can you imagine? Its been a week since I saw him. A week feels like 3 weeks. I video chatted with him and the second I saw his face i got butterflies! I forgot how friggin CUTE HE IS!!!! oh my god.
And the muffin man is all desperate trying to suck me back in... he's making it difficult. Will expand on this later.
My therapist said today "what is the right thing to do? think about it. Whats right for you?" She also said "he is making sacrifices and flying to see you every week. It makes you feel special right? Imagine, this is just the very beginning!"
I didnt even think about that.
So happy...
And she said, as for the mm, "hes saying hes thinking about marrying you now, and how he's going to do it. well first of all, why is he thinking about it NOW? he didnt think about it all along? and thinking means nothing. DOING is something else. Let him prove it."
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I cant believe it
I met someone new. And I have no desire to kiss or touch the muffin man. (and in response to the last post's comments, no i was NOT trying to trap him. I am just careless and a fool and I learned my lesson. Im getting an IUD thing)
Here is the story.
I went to Vegas with my gay friend. We flew to Phoenix where we had an hour layover. We went to get something to eat and my friend pointed out a "hot army guy." I turn around to look and all I saw was this tall dark and handsome guy next to him. "hes not cute. But his friend is gorgeous" I went to get a soda and I almost walked into him. My face could only see his chest as he is 6'1" and I am only 5'3". He said "excuse me" as i could barely talk... i just watched him walk by flustered. Goodbye hot guy. I'll never see you again.
We go to the gate where a hysterical young woman comes running up to me. We just learned our gate was moved to another gate. She can barely speak as she gasps for air. "you dont understand! I just missed my flight I cant miss another one!" "okay dont worry," i said, as I put my arm around her, "follow me and I'll get you where you need to go. We wont miss it. We have plenty of time" I brought her to the gate where she collapsed on the floor in relief. I went next door to buy her a water and a magazine. When i brought it back I let her tell me about her kids at home and the story of how she missed the flight etc. I consoled her, gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and got up. "I'm Jill by the way" We introduced ourselves, and i went to sit with my friend.
As we sat on the plane in our seats, front row of coach, we watched a lot of people come on. There was a rowdy guy behind me. Jill came on and waved and said, "Hi! I'm much better thank you so much!" I replied, "Good! you look great Jill!" "Do I look great?" I hear from Mr. Rowdy behind me. "Oh you look FANTASTIC!" Now we have the attention of all the people around us who are chuckling at our conversation. We proceeded to point out all the hot men and women boarding, as we whispered comments. I said "WAIT until you see this HOT GUY comin on the plane! Tall dark and handsome!" (I saw Mr. soda machine waiting at our gate.) I'm waiting and waiting and FINALLY he comes on. The rowdy guy knew immediately who it was! He points and whispers "is that him?" I nod and mouth back "thats him!"
"excuse me!" he calls out to the hot guy. "uh, she thinks youre hot!" and points to me. "who thinks I'm hot?" "ME! OVER HERE!" I call out as I wave my hand up like I'm in school being called on. He looks at me and asks, "whats your name?" "___" "He reaches his hand out to shake mine and says "nice to meet you, ___ , I'll speak to you after the flight" "okay! but you gotta see me with nice clothes on and make up on and stuff! I look kinda crappy now" "oh thats ok, I dont even have a change of clothes<" he says. "YOU DONT NEED CLOTHES!" i call out as he walks back to his seat. Everyone on the plane in earshot laughs out loud. "Yep," Mr. Rowdy says, "shes goin to Vegas all right! You're definitely gonna have a good time"
I get off the plane and walk sloooowly hoping he'll come talk to me. But then I say to myself, oh please hes not coming, and we walk a little faster now. All of a sudden he come sup to me from behind. We trade numbers and I find out hes not even gonna be in Vegas! He's from North Carolina. I'll never see him again. But wait! I remember our plane has a layover on the way back at none other than Charlotte, NC where he's from! "let me see your tickets" he says as I find out he works for the airline. "If you remember me after your Vegas trip, I'll meet you at the gate in Charlotte."
We texted each other the whole trip, he met us at the gate with starbucks and upgraded our tickets to first class. I spent an hour with him and he sent me back to my gate as he was supposed to be working! He even had me paged at the gate where he called me on the phone. He was just so cute. "Hello Beautiful" I hear on the other end. He made me feel very special that day.
I have not stopped communication with him since the airport and he came to visit new years eve until tuesday night. My racist, prejudiced, homophobic, judgemental mother was staying with me until Sunday and she made is horrible. I thought for sure he would have left on Saturday. She wouldnt acknowledge him. Wouldnt say a word. We slept at my friends house Saturday night to be away from her. I had to leave him there where he was welcome while i taught Sunday School. When I came home, I got in a big fight with my mom as she tried to come up with reasons to hate him. "I cant believe you would bring home some random BLACK guy who is clearly only using you for sex! He'll probably get you pregnant or give you AIDS!" "HES NOT BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! H E IS NOT BLACK!!! Get it through your head! He's dominican! And so what if he WAS black? I thought he was black at first, didnt bother me!" I had to defend myself and him over and over and over. Yes i saw his ID, and I saw his badge at work, and he went to college, and he has his own money, and he bought you your sandwich, and works for the government for the airline therefor he is not a murderer, hes NOT BLACK, hes NOT a liar, hes NOT married, he is NOT using me for sex, etc etc. I was so mad at her I was screaming and crying and had to leave. She has now made it her mission to find something wrong with him.
My friends all tell me he's too young, or he's just a rebound guy, or he lives too far, it will never work, or this won't last so just have fun for now. My mother is clearly against it, and muffin man is freeeakking out. He wants me so badly now... please. Now that I am moving on you want me??? Seriously??? The other men in my life are all also very jealous. When he came to visit I was so happy. We both were! He makes me feel like a woman. He is the personality that he takes control with the "manly" things like driving and paying for things, and holds me when I cry, and tells me how beautiful I am. And he likes when I take care of him by making him dinner or giving him a vitamin or cuddling with him and warming him up when hes cold. When he left he sent me a text message that said "I need my vitamin" He said he wants me to come visit him so I can paint all day and rest. And let him take care of me.
This new guy is a dream. And the sex is incredible. He does all the things I have BEGGED the other guys to do and wouldnt do it or couldnt. He is rough and I love it! And he kisses me passionately. I know how he feels about me in his kiss. It changed as the days went on. He flew his sister up Monday night and we went out. The 2 of them have texted me "I miss you" and his sis said "he NEVER introduces me to any girls! I was shocked"
This week at work, the muffin man has been nasty because he is freaking out he's losing me and cant control his emotions. Well I told him, "guess what douchebag! This is how I have felt every single day the last two years of my life!" I had no desire to kiss him or touch him. The feelings dissipated. I'm so happy with the new guy I have no desire to lust after, love, or date anyone else. It was love at first sight...at the soda machine. (kidding) Not sure how to handle the mm at work though. He kissed me today and I was kind of MAD! I pulled away. I told him "how dare you. You want to pull me back to you to this dead end situation? and keep me in this pain when i found someone to make me happy?" he got mad and stormed away. I told him "too little, too late buddy. I told you you'd regret it."
I have never had so many people hating on my relationship with someone I am happy with! Not sure what to think of it. I had a good feeling in my gut about him and he told me his mother taught him to never pass up an opportunity because you never know what will happen. I am thankful he followed that advice. We make each other very happy. I will post the picture of us for a couple days and then I am taking it down. Tell me what you think.
Here is the story.
I went to Vegas with my gay friend. We flew to Phoenix where we had an hour layover. We went to get something to eat and my friend pointed out a "hot army guy." I turn around to look and all I saw was this tall dark and handsome guy next to him. "hes not cute. But his friend is gorgeous" I went to get a soda and I almost walked into him. My face could only see his chest as he is 6'1" and I am only 5'3". He said "excuse me" as i could barely talk... i just watched him walk by flustered. Goodbye hot guy. I'll never see you again.
We go to the gate where a hysterical young woman comes running up to me. We just learned our gate was moved to another gate. She can barely speak as she gasps for air. "you dont understand! I just missed my flight I cant miss another one!" "okay dont worry," i said, as I put my arm around her, "follow me and I'll get you where you need to go. We wont miss it. We have plenty of time" I brought her to the gate where she collapsed on the floor in relief. I went next door to buy her a water and a magazine. When i brought it back I let her tell me about her kids at home and the story of how she missed the flight etc. I consoled her, gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and got up. "I'm Jill by the way" We introduced ourselves, and i went to sit with my friend.
As we sat on the plane in our seats, front row of coach, we watched a lot of people come on. There was a rowdy guy behind me. Jill came on and waved and said, "Hi! I'm much better thank you so much!" I replied, "Good! you look great Jill!" "Do I look great?" I hear from Mr. Rowdy behind me. "Oh you look FANTASTIC!" Now we have the attention of all the people around us who are chuckling at our conversation. We proceeded to point out all the hot men and women boarding, as we whispered comments. I said "WAIT until you see this HOT GUY comin on the plane! Tall dark and handsome!" (I saw Mr. soda machine waiting at our gate.) I'm waiting and waiting and FINALLY he comes on. The rowdy guy knew immediately who it was! He points and whispers "is that him?" I nod and mouth back "thats him!"
"excuse me!" he calls out to the hot guy. "uh, she thinks youre hot!" and points to me. "who thinks I'm hot?" "ME! OVER HERE!" I call out as I wave my hand up like I'm in school being called on. He looks at me and asks, "whats your name?" "___" "He reaches his hand out to shake mine and says "nice to meet you, ___ , I'll speak to you after the flight" "okay! but you gotta see me with nice clothes on and make up on and stuff! I look kinda crappy now" "oh thats ok, I dont even have a change of clothes<" he says. "YOU DONT NEED CLOTHES!" i call out as he walks back to his seat. Everyone on the plane in earshot laughs out loud. "Yep," Mr. Rowdy says, "shes goin to Vegas all right! You're definitely gonna have a good time"
I get off the plane and walk sloooowly hoping he'll come talk to me. But then I say to myself, oh please hes not coming, and we walk a little faster now. All of a sudden he come sup to me from behind. We trade numbers and I find out hes not even gonna be in Vegas! He's from North Carolina. I'll never see him again. But wait! I remember our plane has a layover on the way back at none other than Charlotte, NC where he's from! "let me see your tickets" he says as I find out he works for the airline. "If you remember me after your Vegas trip, I'll meet you at the gate in Charlotte."
We texted each other the whole trip, he met us at the gate with starbucks and upgraded our tickets to first class. I spent an hour with him and he sent me back to my gate as he was supposed to be working! He even had me paged at the gate where he called me on the phone. He was just so cute. "Hello Beautiful" I hear on the other end. He made me feel very special that day.
I have not stopped communication with him since the airport and he came to visit new years eve until tuesday night. My racist, prejudiced, homophobic, judgemental mother was staying with me until Sunday and she made is horrible. I thought for sure he would have left on Saturday. She wouldnt acknowledge him. Wouldnt say a word. We slept at my friends house Saturday night to be away from her. I had to leave him there where he was welcome while i taught Sunday School. When I came home, I got in a big fight with my mom as she tried to come up with reasons to hate him. "I cant believe you would bring home some random BLACK guy who is clearly only using you for sex! He'll probably get you pregnant or give you AIDS!" "HES NOT BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! H E IS NOT BLACK!!! Get it through your head! He's dominican! And so what if he WAS black? I thought he was black at first, didnt bother me!" I had to defend myself and him over and over and over. Yes i saw his ID, and I saw his badge at work, and he went to college, and he has his own money, and he bought you your sandwich, and works for the government for the airline therefor he is not a murderer, hes NOT BLACK, hes NOT a liar, hes NOT married, he is NOT using me for sex, etc etc. I was so mad at her I was screaming and crying and had to leave. She has now made it her mission to find something wrong with him.
My friends all tell me he's too young, or he's just a rebound guy, or he lives too far, it will never work, or this won't last so just have fun for now. My mother is clearly against it, and muffin man is freeeakking out. He wants me so badly now... please. Now that I am moving on you want me??? Seriously??? The other men in my life are all also very jealous. When he came to visit I was so happy. We both were! He makes me feel like a woman. He is the personality that he takes control with the "manly" things like driving and paying for things, and holds me when I cry, and tells me how beautiful I am. And he likes when I take care of him by making him dinner or giving him a vitamin or cuddling with him and warming him up when hes cold. When he left he sent me a text message that said "I need my vitamin" He said he wants me to come visit him so I can paint all day and rest. And let him take care of me.
This new guy is a dream. And the sex is incredible. He does all the things I have BEGGED the other guys to do and wouldnt do it or couldnt. He is rough and I love it! And he kisses me passionately. I know how he feels about me in his kiss. It changed as the days went on. He flew his sister up Monday night and we went out. The 2 of them have texted me "I miss you" and his sis said "he NEVER introduces me to any girls! I was shocked"
This week at work, the muffin man has been nasty because he is freaking out he's losing me and cant control his emotions. Well I told him, "guess what douchebag! This is how I have felt every single day the last two years of my life!" I had no desire to kiss him or touch him. The feelings dissipated. I'm so happy with the new guy I have no desire to lust after, love, or date anyone else. It was love at first sight...at the soda machine. (kidding) Not sure how to handle the mm at work though. He kissed me today and I was kind of MAD! I pulled away. I told him "how dare you. You want to pull me back to you to this dead end situation? and keep me in this pain when i found someone to make me happy?" he got mad and stormed away. I told him "too little, too late buddy. I told you you'd regret it."
I have never had so many people hating on my relationship with someone I am happy with! Not sure what to think of it. I had a good feeling in my gut about him and he told me his mother taught him to never pass up an opportunity because you never know what will happen. I am thankful he followed that advice. We make each other very happy. I will post the picture of us for a couple days and then I am taking it down. Tell me what you think.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wait til you hear this one...
It was a year ago that I found out I was pregnant, and waited to tell him until he got back from hos trip to Florida to visit his parents. And I had the abortion I still regret in October, and was depressed until exactly this time. A year ago today I went ot see that psychic who was so unbelievably amazing. She prayed for me and the heavy weight was lifted off of me that night.
Well I have been bleeding for for a couple weeks now, and went to the dr. Turns out I am pregnant again and havign a miscarriage. This time when i told him, I didnt wait til he went away. And he was amazingly calm. I tried to post my bday card and what he wrote to me and what he said to me but I hit something and it was gone. I didnt have the patience to retype it. Basically, he is changing as a person and owes it all to me. Well lucky me that hes a better person and I'm in pain.
Anyway I was crying a lot when i found out I was pregnant. 1. i was scared 2. i couldnt decide what to do again. 3. we are idiots! then I found out I was having a miscarriage and then i cried again because i was scare that I did permanent damage to my body! I think i had one sometime this year but i dunno. I didnt bleed at all today and the nurse said pray you bleed otherwise you need a dnc.
And in the midst of all this... I MET A NEW GUY! FINALLY!!! I have a great story about how I met him!!! I went to Las Vegas for a weekend and I met him on the plane going from Phoenix to Vegas. He is tall dark and handsome. Sexy, young, and fun! Finally, I met someone to distract me from "Mr. Dead End." He lives in Charlotte, NC. I will write the whole story in another post bc it is a great story.
In the meantime, I wait to see if I will bleed, get a DNC, or have a miracle baby. I will keep you posted.
Well I have been bleeding for for a couple weeks now, and went to the dr. Turns out I am pregnant again and havign a miscarriage. This time when i told him, I didnt wait til he went away. And he was amazingly calm. I tried to post my bday card and what he wrote to me and what he said to me but I hit something and it was gone. I didnt have the patience to retype it. Basically, he is changing as a person and owes it all to me. Well lucky me that hes a better person and I'm in pain.
Anyway I was crying a lot when i found out I was pregnant. 1. i was scared 2. i couldnt decide what to do again. 3. we are idiots! then I found out I was having a miscarriage and then i cried again because i was scare that I did permanent damage to my body! I think i had one sometime this year but i dunno. I didnt bleed at all today and the nurse said pray you bleed otherwise you need a dnc.
And in the midst of all this... I MET A NEW GUY! FINALLY!!! I have a great story about how I met him!!! I went to Las Vegas for a weekend and I met him on the plane going from Phoenix to Vegas. He is tall dark and handsome. Sexy, young, and fun! Finally, I met someone to distract me from "Mr. Dead End." He lives in Charlotte, NC. I will write the whole story in another post bc it is a great story.
In the meantime, I wait to see if I will bleed, get a DNC, or have a miracle baby. I will keep you posted.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Beautiful Disaster
so my birthday is coming up this wednesday. Here is my schedule for the week. Tuesday nt he is bringing me as his guest to his networking group's Christmas party, Wednesday is my bday, and he usually takes me out to lunch, then we have our company christmas party, then we are going to a yoga/meditation class, then to see his friend play in his jazz band since I love jazz. Should be a good day providing I dont cry. I usually do because I'm so sad I can't be with him. Thursday or Friday nt we were supposed to go to this restaurant I want to go to but I told him if he can't do it I'll be ok since Wednesday I'll be with him all night.
Last week we went to dinner with a prospect and first and foremost, the guy is coming in to open an account this wednesday. Secondly, we stayed after it was over, at the table. He is afraid to tell me the words "I love you" this past year but he replaces it with "I appreciate you" and "I'm crazy about you" Just tell me you love me because you do!! Besides, I can see it in his eyes! It pours out of him. He stared at me with those beautiful green eyes pouring out rivers of love. DO you know what I mean? Has anyone seen this? Its incredible. He says "where do all these feelings for me come from?" "I dont know! Its just so strong! Im crazy about you!" So I asked him back "Where do YOURS come from?" "I dont KNOW! But theyre there, and they're strong"
Well great. But you cant be with someone youre that in love with??? Then I started to cry. The thought of his wife and kids and how I'm a secret, is so painful I cant contain those tears. It just hurts so badly. He told me "I really hope you understand I know how you feel! I feel the same way! I dont wear my heart on my sleeve like you do, but I am in pain too. I'm crazy about you! I feel trapped in my situation just like you"
Did that make me feel better? Sort of. Not completely.
I did this meditation yesterday that dealt with self-sabotage. It started out with realizing how I sabotage myself. One of the biggest areas is my love life. I thought to myself "I rob myself of happiness. Of a true and happy relationship." Then it goes to digging deep to where the root of it is. I could NOT find the answer. I know I have feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. But I couldnt find where it came from. Then we went to picturing myself in this happy place being completely successful in the area I am dealing with. I pictured myself with HIM! I tried to picture myself with another man. I thought about this man I always dreampt of. I remembered how I always believed there was a man just for me. Waiting for me like I am waiting for him. I am a very unique person and I need a unique man. I am difficult and stubborn and I need a patient loving man. But someone who makes me HOT! Someone like the muffin man. That night we walked out of the restaurant and just kissed and kissed. Ont he sidewalk, in his car... I attacked him. Kissed his face everywhere. I love when he giggles when I attack him. I love him so much I am actually starting to cry right now writing this. Anyway back to the meditation. As I pictured this imaginery guy in my head, travelling with me to France, I kept getting a bigger, brighter, louder picture into my head of me and the muffin man on a beach, staring at each other. The warm sun shining, the peace around us, the feeling of complete satisfaction and unending joy. Then I would force myself to go back to the other guy in my head and that feeling would go away. I didnt know what to do. It was easy to picture him but I had to FORCE myself to think of someone else. Is it that I'm not ready to move on? Or do I believe he is my only happiness and I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way he does? If he could be mine, I guarantee I'd be SO happy. He is worth waiting for if I knew the wait would bring him to me.
Then it brought me to a point where I had to think about the good things I feel and what I get out of sabotaging myself. I feel in control. No one can control me. I choose to stay in a fucked up situation. It was difficult though because he is my joy but also the sabotage to gaining that joy. You know what I mean? I am sabotaging myself of being with a lover who is my everlasting joy, yet the one I am sabotaging myself with, is the one I want to be my lover. Then I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Of course I started with the abortion. I cant forgive myself for that! I believe God forgave me but I cant forgive myself! WHY?
here is the mediation. The site is amazing. I try to go to it daily.
http://store.debbieford.com/index.php?cPath=14_20#meditations
Meanwhile he has been meditating and filling his spirit with constant positive affirmation and he has been amazing with me. So nice, so patient, so understanding and loving. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Yet I love my job! What do I do? This really is a beautiful disaster.
These words are perfect for me and him. Loving someone with that pain intertwined. He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe, a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. (I am the friggin tradegy though) And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful? or just a beautiful disaster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY&feature=related
I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM.
Last week we went to dinner with a prospect and first and foremost, the guy is coming in to open an account this wednesday. Secondly, we stayed after it was over, at the table. He is afraid to tell me the words "I love you" this past year but he replaces it with "I appreciate you" and "I'm crazy about you" Just tell me you love me because you do!! Besides, I can see it in his eyes! It pours out of him. He stared at me with those beautiful green eyes pouring out rivers of love. DO you know what I mean? Has anyone seen this? Its incredible. He says "where do all these feelings for me come from?" "I dont know! Its just so strong! Im crazy about you!" So I asked him back "Where do YOURS come from?" "I dont KNOW! But theyre there, and they're strong"
Well great. But you cant be with someone youre that in love with??? Then I started to cry. The thought of his wife and kids and how I'm a secret, is so painful I cant contain those tears. It just hurts so badly. He told me "I really hope you understand I know how you feel! I feel the same way! I dont wear my heart on my sleeve like you do, but I am in pain too. I'm crazy about you! I feel trapped in my situation just like you"
Did that make me feel better? Sort of. Not completely.
I did this meditation yesterday that dealt with self-sabotage. It started out with realizing how I sabotage myself. One of the biggest areas is my love life. I thought to myself "I rob myself of happiness. Of a true and happy relationship." Then it goes to digging deep to where the root of it is. I could NOT find the answer. I know I have feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. But I couldnt find where it came from. Then we went to picturing myself in this happy place being completely successful in the area I am dealing with. I pictured myself with HIM! I tried to picture myself with another man. I thought about this man I always dreampt of. I remembered how I always believed there was a man just for me. Waiting for me like I am waiting for him. I am a very unique person and I need a unique man. I am difficult and stubborn and I need a patient loving man. But someone who makes me HOT! Someone like the muffin man. That night we walked out of the restaurant and just kissed and kissed. Ont he sidewalk, in his car... I attacked him. Kissed his face everywhere. I love when he giggles when I attack him. I love him so much I am actually starting to cry right now writing this. Anyway back to the meditation. As I pictured this imaginery guy in my head, travelling with me to France, I kept getting a bigger, brighter, louder picture into my head of me and the muffin man on a beach, staring at each other. The warm sun shining, the peace around us, the feeling of complete satisfaction and unending joy. Then I would force myself to go back to the other guy in my head and that feeling would go away. I didnt know what to do. It was easy to picture him but I had to FORCE myself to think of someone else. Is it that I'm not ready to move on? Or do I believe he is my only happiness and I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way he does? If he could be mine, I guarantee I'd be SO happy. He is worth waiting for if I knew the wait would bring him to me.
Then it brought me to a point where I had to think about the good things I feel and what I get out of sabotaging myself. I feel in control. No one can control me. I choose to stay in a fucked up situation. It was difficult though because he is my joy but also the sabotage to gaining that joy. You know what I mean? I am sabotaging myself of being with a lover who is my everlasting joy, yet the one I am sabotaging myself with, is the one I want to be my lover. Then I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Of course I started with the abortion. I cant forgive myself for that! I believe God forgave me but I cant forgive myself! WHY?
here is the mediation. The site is amazing. I try to go to it daily.
http://store.debbieford.com/index.php?cPath=14_20#meditations
Meanwhile he has been meditating and filling his spirit with constant positive affirmation and he has been amazing with me. So nice, so patient, so understanding and loving. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Yet I love my job! What do I do? This really is a beautiful disaster.
These words are perfect for me and him. Loving someone with that pain intertwined. He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe, a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. (I am the friggin tradegy though) And if I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful? or just a beautiful disaster?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmcdK9IKZsY&feature=related
I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
no i have not left him yet
The problem is we work so well together because we care about each other. We see each other every day and we have feelings for each other. But I feel at work, the way he does in his marriage. Yes its mot the happiest it can be and its not ideal and there is pain mixed in, but its not so unbearable that I have to leave. Where am I going to go in this economy? I love my job and get paid a decent amount and he pays for a lot of extra things on top of that for me.
Lately though, its been kind of weird. It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day. Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I appreciate you very much . I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?
Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot. I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!
I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me. I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him. I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.
I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him. Which I cant really do right now. I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.
Lately though, its been kind of weird. It's like someone took a blindfold off of him and could finally see how much I do for him and he tells me he appreciates it and shows it multiple times a day. Since the post about the book he gave me, he's been like that ever since. Almost in la la land! I get text messages daily that say: I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I appreciate you very much . I am thankful to have you in my life. There are very few people who can out up with me and you are one of them. It means a lot to me. Have I told you today yet that I appreciate you and I am thankful to have you in my life?
Plus he does little things like going out of his way to get me coffee or lunch, or give me money for lunch if he wont be there to make it for me, gives me all the red starburst because its my favorite, defends me all the time, makes me laugh daily, tries to actually remember things i say, includes me in everything, and today he said something that meant a lot. I was telling him how I was stressing out that I have to pay for my daughter's braces and after the first $1,000 I paid this year, I will have to pay another $2,280 in 2011, and he was so sweet.Not only did he speak to me in a way that calmed me, but he said "dont worry we'll get through this. I'll pay you more money a month. It's not something to stress about. We'll get through it ok?" "we'll" get through it. He's never said this before. It's weird!
I'm sure youre all thinking "oh please. Dont fall in the trap. Its all bullshit" but my therapist said you cant force things. If I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready. Meanwhile my friend Mike who likes me just annoys the crap out of me. I just want him to go away but he wont. And my muffin man drives me crazy! His smell intoxicates me and I love every little thing about him. I fantasize even with him, about us living in the 40's and 50's time warp where I can just take care of him and love him like the way I want to.
I honestly cant see myself falling for anyone else until I get away from him and over him. Which I cant really do right now. I honestly feel trapped. Yet in a sick way, I like it. I sound hopeless and pathetic, I know. What will it take to get me to be strong enough to move on? I have no clue.
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