the holiday cards

Well well well... The happy train has left the station. Back to the reality that the love of my life is married.

Last year we were just beginning this relationship. Two months of love and excitement. I was starting to fall in love with him but still completely unaware of the level it would get to. It was the time of the year when the financial advisers were sending their holiday cards out. I was naive then and snuck a peek at his cards to find a heart wrenching sight. This picture of him, his wife, and two daughters. The perfect little happy family. So precious. And he was sending it to his clients! It was the first time my stomach turned and my heart felt like it was in my throat. I wanted to throw up. Literally. It was sickening.

Well... Fast forward. A year later. We have been through the worst times of our lives together, we are completely in love, and realized we can't live without each other. Last year I was working in a different department and it wasn't until february that I got my wish and became his assistant. Also naive to think it would be "fun" to work with someone you are in a relationship with!

As the season was approaching this year I told him "if you think you are sending those family christmas cards don't you even think that I will have any part of it!" "Of course not! I may not even do that this year." Whew! What a relief I wouldn't have to deal with that. So I asked him last friday, "who are you sending cards to so I can send them out?" (We send cards for birthdays on a website we have so I was planning on picking a card and sending them out) and he said these disgusting words: "I may send my card out to some of them so I'll let you know. But I'll do it myself so you don't even have to see it" "I better not see it!" "Okay!" "Its sickening!" "I understand"

Does he? Really? No I don't think so. Because if he did understand, he would never have asked me today to print labels for him to send the cards out! And then when I get upset and say sorry I didn't do it yet its not really my priority, say "its work related you can't get upset"

Don't you dare tell me to not be upset! He doesn't get what that means to me! You are still sending out a picture to all your friends family and clients saying "look at our happy perfect little family!" To me this means he has no intentions of fessing up to his wife his real feelings but will continue to go through the motions of a happy home. Its a lie! A big fat disgusting lie! And I will always be the secret no one can know about. It hurts so bad it makes my stomach turn!

I am the type of person who needs to tell someone I'm upset right away because if I don't, it will eat at me and fester and I will blow up at them for everything else! So I called him on my way home to tell him how upset it made me and I was crying. He said he was sorry but I still don't think he gets just how bad that makes me feel. And how SICKENING it is to me!

Very upsetting...

Then I told him "sorry" doesn't make me feel better! You can't think of a single thing that you could say that would make me feel better?

All he has to say is how he feels about me! Something to make me feel secure in how he feels about me! How I'm in his heart, how he thinks of me all the time, how he's in love with me, the reason why he feels it so necessary to send that card out, how he plans to make me feel special on my birthday... ANYTHING! But all I got was "sorry" it was heartfelt and made me feel like he did care but he just doesn't get it. Just doesn't get it.

Sickening.