I cannot believe this incredible dream I had last night. Since I have been living in total regret about the abortion knowing I killed my son, I have been in misery. Last night I had a dream that I was travelling very far in rain, on bike, seemed to be a struggle to get where I needed to go. And I finally got to what looked like a hospital and my whole family was there with me. I was going to see my son. I had seen a picture of him and he was chubby. So cute. I went into a room where a few other young women were to see their babies as well. A nurse who had been taking care of him, handed him to me wrapped in blankets.
I stared at him, smelled him, he recognized me as his mom. I was concerned he was neglected since I hadn't been there for him, but the nurse really loved him. I looked at him and said, I will call him Nathan. I remember the nurse going to take him and he started to cry and reached towards me. He knew I was his mommy.
But I had to let him go. :( it was horrible.
The most amazing part of this story is that I went to work today and did research on the name Nathan. Mind you, this is a name I would NEVER have picked for my son.But if I have another I will definitely name him Nathan. And call him Nate. The name means "gift from God" which is exactly what I knew he was and I LET EVERYONE PRESSURE ME TO KILL HIM!!!! I DIDNT WANT TO! And I will forever live in regret and fear of what I've done!
The history of this name: king david in the bible, named his third child he had with Bathsheba, Nathan! And who was bathsheba? The woman he commited adultery with.
I cannot believe I had that dream! I am in shock. And still, I wanna die. I was supposed to have that baby and I took matters into my own hands because I let idiots who thought they knew more than me, talk me into it. I failed.
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5 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I didn't know what that kind of pain felt like, but I do. I have dreams similar your too sometimes, and it hurts so badly. Take care of yourself and always, always do what is right for YOU.
Please get some counseling. Your health insurance will pay for it. I'm worried for your peace of mind, you have too much too deal with to carry it alone. My prayers include you every day, but you need to take this important step to get through how you fel now. Please do it.
Email me if you need to.
Secretia
I'm sorry for your loss as well. I hope you get through this, talking about it would help, I'm sure. Nobody has to suffer in silence.
Take care.
You did not fail.
You did what you believed to be best for all involved. Of couse you will have feelings of guilt and depression- you've been to hell and back.
But with every traumatic event, you are becoming stronger and a better person. Know that muffin man loves you and that he is simply stuck in a situation he can't get out of at the moment.
I know that line of thinking does get me theough tough and lonely times.
SA
thank you all so much. i went to see my therapist the day i wrote this. and i spoke to this amaaazing clairvoyant woman who was meditating for me the night i had that dream. they both told me that God was telling me my baby is ok and that our souls were making peace. I didnt feel better about this until late that night. I do thankfully, feel more a t peace but I am sure it will continue to be something I will have to work through.
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