this blog is for my anonymous reader "SA"

The evolution of Muffin Man telling me "I love you"

Last year, around this time my birthday was coming up. (Dec 15) I made plans to go to the city with the man i was falling in love with. I planned to go to the east village to see a psychic and go to a hookah lounge where we could cuddle up, smoke the hookah, eat food i like, and dance as the night went on. So the night we were supposed to go, there was a snow storm. I was so upset. Had it not been so bad, we would have went anyway. When I called the psychic to tell her I wouldn't be there she said ok but that she felt i really needed a word from her before the year was over. I felt a stirring inside me and I truly believed she had something for me.

So about a week later I went on a Saturday by myself.  She immediately picked up on muffin man. She said I see you are in a relationship. I see a half marriage.  He is in a marriage but his heart is not in it. She went on to say "has he ever told you he loves you?" i said no.  She continued, "he really loves you but he's afraid to say it.  this is all new to him." So that was confirmation he loved me which i kind of knew.

Side note: she also confirmed my suspicions that i knew him in a past life.  she said we were lovers in a past life and it was the same situation.  he was married and we were passionate lovers but were never able to be together so we came into this life to be together.  (Clearly he did not wait for me.)  She said times were different then in the 1800's that he couldn't leave his wife then but now he can.  and will.  eventually. i had had my own experiences with recognizing past lives and i knew i lived in the 1800's and i also knew i knew his soul from another time.  its very bizarre but i can see his soul in his eyes.

So back to the "i love you's." I knew he loved me and I knew i loved him.  But I didnt tell him this until months later. In April 2009 I wrote him a poem. I have written and given him numerous letters and notes telling him how I feel about him but I never said "I love you" Until this poem:

Your eyes, like the waters,

bring depth to your soul

They breathe life to my being,

almost making me whole.

Your smell is intoxicating

like a potion I'd drink

All logic is forgotten

I can no longer think.

Your lips on my neck

your breath on my face

the sense of security

found in your embrace

Mysteries of your past

deep within where they hide

glimpses of memories

unveiled in your eyes

You're all I imagine

All that I crave

Everything I've accepted

every part that you gave

Sometimes I wish

I could try to forget

but nothing I've done

will I ever regret

I gave you my heart

no questions asked

Unable to predict

how long this would last

Consciously knowing

the risk of it all

willing to take

that unbreakable fall

Often looking away

unable to rest

wondering how you fell
into this irresistible mess

feelings are deep

the connection is strong

Why did this happen?

Was it right?
     Was it wrong?

The world around us

seems to fall away

as your lips touch mine

God, I wish you would stay!

Always saying goodbye

never enough time

It HURTS when you leave me!

Why cant you be mine?

If I never have you,

before this lifetime is through

Please always remember

I truly did love you.

I remember when I gave that to him he told me he cried. And that no one had ever done something like that for him and how special it was. I wanted him to know how deep and serious I was about us. That was the FIRST time I told him I loved him.

The next time I think i sent a text message that read I <3 U.  and he asked me about it later and I said "yeah no big deal, I say that to everyone! Had I actually written the word love out, maybe it would be more serious." As time went one the <3's turned into "love."  When we would get in fights I would say stuff like "well I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me" or when we would have serious conversations I would say stuff like "I am in love with you and you don't want me" stupid stuff like that. After that, I just started saying I love you all the time. He still hadn't said it.

The first time he said it was a BIG deal. September this year. I was at work and I had just found out that someone at work told my MANAGER that i was pregnant with his baby! I was flipping out.  He was so upset he left the office for the day. I went in  a conference room where I spoke to him on my cell phone and we were both freaking out trying to come up with a plan to fix this disaster!  the worst part was it was true! I really was pregnant with his baby! As we spoke we vowed to be there for each other and help each other through this.  Before he got off the phone he said, and I quote exactly because I will never forget the first time he said it: "I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I love you!"

The next time he said it, we were fighting over having this abortion.  It was the darkest time of my life. I told him I didn't want to be with him because he made me do something I didn't want to do because he refuses to leave his wife. So I was done with him. He said he loved me but having the baby would destroy too many lives at this point. He reassured me through these text fights that he loved me and believed we were meant to be together but his situation forces him not to be able to be with me.

It was not until a few weeks ago that he finally started to open up.  He had his walls up and I was feeling rejected, and we were fighting. I told him he HAS to meet me halfway or just leave me alone to move on to find someone else.  Then he tells me: "I like fighting with you.  its weird but it makes me hot for you." I said "are you serious?" in an exasperated way because I thought we were done.   
As usual... he cant live without me so he chose to do everything he can to keep me, including meeting me halfway like i said. He knows what I need from him.  I told him many times: "i need you to tell me how you feel about me and reassure me every day!" and if he cant give all of that, meet me halfway!

So a day or so after that, we were in our usual playful banter also known as flirting and apparently FOREPLAY and I asked him to do something work related.  I cant remember what it was exactly but he said "ok but admit you are wrong (about whatever argument we had earlier.)"  My clever response was, "sure! no problem! as soon as you admit you are completely in love with me!" His answer: "Haven't I told you that?" "uh, no! you have told me you love me maybe TWO times! and never to my face!" He writes back "I love you I love you I love you!  there! now its 5 times" my response: "that's great!  But I said to admit you are IN LOVE WITH ME" "isn't that the same thing?" "NO! you tell your mom, your daughters, etc, you love them.  you cannot say I am in love with you to any of them!""Okay, I am in love with you!" And there it was.  The first admission of his true feelings.

The first time he said it to my face was almost 2 weeks ago. I was crying in my car after work because of the abundant stress in my life and he was standing there listening to me for a half an hour cry and complain about the haunting memories that have destroyed me and the pressure at work. He was, and is my best friend. And when I felt better and released it to him, he reassured me at the end and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you!" and I said "thank you! I love you too!" And when I said thank you I meant that from the depths of my soul.  That was a very big deal for him. He was always afraid to say it but he put me first instead of him and gave himself to me in just those three words.

The last post I wrote was the last time he said it to me. And my birthday is coming up.  He never took me to the city or made up for my ruined birthday.  And this year he is supposed to take me out. I think I'm gonna go see a psychic aagain and see what they have to say.  He and I have come a loooong way in a year and a half.  And i want to go deeper and deeper and be with the one I believe to be my soul mate.