Halloween Baby... Very Ironic

My "lil punkin" came on Halloween. This day couldnt have been more ironic. I believe God created this child with a plan a purpose a destiny and she would bring joy comfort and peace to many. She has already brought my family together, my friends, my relationships, and brought out the evil one's true colors. We are yet to see what happens to him. Yet to see his sin unfold before his family and friends. He is struggling to keep the secret but all truth will be brought to light.

Halloween 2008.

We had just started to see each other. the first time we hung out he met me at a bar where i was seeing a band i knew play. The would let me sing. I drank so much that night he had to drive me home. I will never forget it. the guitarist wanted to hook up with me as well as douchebag, whom i then endearingly called, "muffn man" He drove me home and walked me upstairs. The room was spinning. He kissed me and I knew he wanted to have sex with me but I wouldnt let him. Because a. the room was spinning! and b. the guitarist was going to come over in a very short while. (Like 30 minutes) So i pushed hiom away and told him I wasnt feeling well and he knew it was because the guitarist was coming over. My phone was ringing. This was in Spetmeber.

The next time we hung out was Halloween. A coworker of ours, one we both liked very much because she was so sweet... who by the way left very shortly after because it is very hard to survive in that hell hole... was having her birthday party. Her birthday was Halloween. We planned to go see her at this club about 30 minutes away. I had just done my hair and got dressed when he came over. I then started to apply my heavy make up (smoky eyes and black liner) because after all, it was Halloween and we didnt have costumes. I remember we began to make out and things got hot and heavy. I debated with him if we should stay in or go out. I wanted to go out with him and be able to hang out as a "couple" and have fun, but I also wanted to get closer to him physically. so we decided to stay in. I even remember exactly how the sex went. I didnt like the way he kissed me because you can always tell how a man feels about you by the way he kisses you.  If any men are reading this, do you know a woman can tell exactly how you feel when you kiss her? Anyway, I told him to kiss me like he was trying to tell me something. "don't just stick your tongue in my mouth all horny and revved up to go, kiss me like you want me to know something. Like you have something to say and you are expressing it through your kisses" Well that didn't happen for about a month. And as time went on, I could feel the love he had for me from deep inside through his kisses. I remember when he was coming close to cumming i told him to cum on my face. lol. It was something I had only done once and I liked it. And douchbag was safe. I knew it would blow his mind and he would be game since he was a bored married man whose sex consisted of him getting off to a dead fish who had no interest in sex. I told him to jerk off in my face and cum on my face. I remember it was one of the hottest things I had done. I only and a couple lovers who would do things like that. And i felt very comfortable with each. He was all excited and I remember thinking "This is going to be fun to be freaky with him. He's up for anything and is excited to do all of it" And that it was. All of it. Everything was great. As long as it was on his terms and he stayed in control of when we saw each other and how much he would choose to invest homself into it. I'm sure he's regreting ever falling for me.
But the very day he chose to break his covenant with his wife, to betray her, was Halloween 2008. Anytime he would mention to me or anyone else when he considered us starting this so-called relationship was Halloween. He would always say, "well, Halloween is when we first started "dating" or some version of that. well isnt it ironic that exactly 3 years later your daughter was born? So now every year for the rest of his life, Halloween will come around and "haunt" him as he is reminded what a horrible person he is. I could imagine his thoughts are " I hurt my wife, I hurt my kids, I regret ever meeting her, she ruined my life, I'll never be able to afford child support, I pray she isnt mine." oh well... she is. She has his dimples. and feet. the rest is all me.

Pretty funny she was birn then huh? If it had been a random date like Oct 23 or 28, he could put it ot of his mind, but this way, he will NEVER FORGET! Sadly, he chooses to create his own hell. He could have done the honorable thing but I dont think he is capable of being hinrable about anything.

I was looking at the baby's picture and comparing it to his and all of a sudden I got a whiff of his smell in my mind. Suddenly I missed him and started to cry. I miss the past. Not him now. Now I just wish he would be civil and go to a DNA center with me instead of ignoring it and making it worse. He is in his own hell and wants to throw it oonto me. As much as I have thought about his stupid thoughts or missing him etc, I thought about the one he is hurting the most with his abandoning and rejection. My daughter. well, all three of his daughters. His 2 older ones will be hurt by his adultery and the little one, by his ultimate rejection. Unless he cant live with himself any longer and has to acknowledge her. We shall see.

In the meantime he is refusing to do a paternity test until I take the baby which pisses me off because i am absolutely not paying for it. He wants it, he can pay. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer. Maybe the court will order it and make him pay. Fuckin bullshit. He is an ASSHOLE! He is a child who has to play games and try to make me "pay" for "ruining his life" Fuck him.
anyway here are a couple more pictures. I am in love with this perfect little angel. Best abby ever. Content, sweet, cuddly, perfect.

RACHEL FRANCES
October 31, 2011
8 lbs 11 ounces (I pushed her out in 12 minutes...)
21 1/4 inches long

a week old

one day old

also one day old

I'm finally dialated

2 cm. if the baby doesnt come by monday, she is inducing me. its SO uncomfortable but i will miss feeling her inside me. So the douchebag is back at work. and my friend called me and told me most of the people are furious he's there and quite a few complained to the manager. the "manager" who is the worst fuckin manager ive ever seen, basically told my friend to deal with it, in so many words and that he is leaving when i get back. hes such a weasel. the second i leave he runs back. i really want to leave and let him just stay there. i dont even care anymore if hes there. i mean if i loved my job, i'd care but i dont. i was asked to send my resume to my friends brother in law who works DOWN THE STREET from me as a financial adviser. and he works alone. how great would that be. the only downside is he wants me to get my license. UGH. brutal. but if i can get paid to work down the street for someone who is actually an honorable person, who appreciates a hard worker, then great!

so remember my friend who got me the car? i never blog about him on here. im gonna have to start yet another one since this part time lover turned into my full time enemy. but my friend who has been here for me through this entire ordeal, who chooses to love me and be with me and support me and do everything in the world for me fully knowing i have another mans child inside me yet went to the ultrasound with me and bought me my crib and car seat/stroller/travel system.... he is the best thing that sever happened to me. (other than my daughters) i feel like all the assholes i loved with all my being, i have finally reaped what I have sown. everyone that meets him and knows him and I mean EVERYONE, tells me to marry him. especially my daughter. it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that someone wonderful loves me. i pushed it away for a year and he never left me and never gave up on me. he said i was worth waiting for. well, finally i have come to the point where mt feelings went from uncomfortable to comfortable as friends, to genuine feelings. we have NOT had sex, just fooled around 2 times and barely anything... but we have built it on friednship. i tell him i move him every day and i miss him when i dont see him. i plan on marrying him. i will have to blog about all the amazing things he does for me. like working overtime just to buy me groceries while i am on disability!!! and hes not even my "boyfriend." yeah, im gonna marry him. and have one more kid!! lol. he needs a boy.

as for the scumbag, i heard he looks awful and gained weight, aged, and looks depressed. GOOD. fuck him. i am the happy one, the blessed one, one at peace... he is in his dark cloud of misery and lies. Sad he could never be honest, and choose to do the right thing. ever. wait til he gets those bills. and projects his anger onto me. i just pray he leaves my baby alone. just stay out of our lives. and when my daughter asks him one day, why did you never want to see me? let him answer what a scumbag loser he is. and poor excuse for a man he is. maybe my friend/bf can just adopt her. whatever i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. as for now... i need to get this huge baby out! lol.

Updates

I have 20 min to post a quick blog. I have a dr appt. Very frustrating. The doctors all predicted last week the baby would come as did I , and everyone I know! She still isnt here! My boss told em I am not getting paid a dime until I have the baby. I had the Dr send a note saying they wanted me out of work but i need to call the disability people to make sure she actually took care of it.

I have great news about the asshole at work. I am copying and pasting this so you can read again who I am talking about.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.


Well... last week one of his clients called and long story short: he realized after comparing his bank statements to his account with us, good ol' "Mr. Overcompensater/Bragger" had been stealing the guys money! He told the client who is an old man who completely trusted him, "ill write the checks out for you" then also said "just make it out to cash" and went and cashed them all for himself. in 2 months alone he was up to $37,000 stolen. The other ones were more sporadic. Funny, he took hos girlfriend on 3 trips in the 2 months he stole the money. Plus had major duty work done to his house. He was fired and the investigation is still going on.He will lose his license if he didnt already, and if charges are filed and he is arrested, the charge is 25 years in prison. Doubt that will all happen but the best part is the client told me every thing. About how the company sent a limo to his house and the lawyers, compliance officers, managers, and the client went down to the fraud dept of the bank and proved him 100% guilty. isn't it amazing what these douchebags think they can get away with? stealing cheating lying being manipulative, using people, KILLING BABIES!!!!


The best part is that his dad called the office and when the girl told him he no longer worked there, he didnt believe her and thought she was stupid. This was a good week after he was fired. So she said ok sir, ill transfer you to our manager. HA HA HA! What goes around comes around douchebag. You know whats funny? He's the one who spread my personal life around the office and hes the one who became all buddy buddies with sperm donor and tried to play both sides. Sperm donors dad died about 3 weeks ago. He told the 2-faced asshole to tell me his dad died but he didnt. Instead he told another coworker, who told me. I felt so guilty for NOT saying anything and I was crying to my therapist for a good 40 minutes about it and she finally said listen if youre gonna feel this way, just text him something. So finally I did. No response. Who is the idiot now? Falling for his manipulation again. Thinking he has the power now because thats how he always was. Its all about being in control. God i fuckin hate him.  Now im worried he will be trying to use that against me.

His newest plan is not only trying to come back to the office to work while I am out on maternity leave but he is going to try and convince them (as he puffs up his feathers) to move me to the other office when I come back.  So he doesnt feel like driving an hour because its "too inconvenient" but its okay for me to drive an hour and a half and spend gas money i dont have and leave my newborn somewhere for 10 hours a day. thats okay! He is a scumbag! I am looking for a nanny job. Id much rather be a nanny and be with my baby than be in that hell hole. I dont miss it a t all. I just miss the pay check!


Anyway time for a shower and the doctor. Find out why this baby isn't here yet!!! the due date is actually Saturday so she is not late yet. But late for every one's predictions.

work SUCKS

Well its 4am and Im wide awake. I cant sleep these days. I wake up every night around the same times. You can always count on 4:30am that I will be awake. I cant get comfortale when I sleep either. Im always too hot, or I want to sleep on my stomach, but mostly I am filled with anxiety because someone at work has upset me to the point hwere I am either IN tears, or almost in tears! These fuckin assholes are the worst people to work with. They are all miserable, they talk tdown to me like I'm an idiot, even though I get their work done, and they are just generally disrespectful. The girl on maternity leave has the worst 3 guys to work for. They are the ones who give me problems! They arent even MY guys!

1. Bipolar guy:
One day he's buying me lunch, being nice, saying thank you etc. The next day he's talking down to me like I'm an idiot. Right now he's in "nice guy" mode.

2.Overcompensater:
This asshole is the worst. He does shady business, has shady clients, and is the type of guy that is always bragging. Like for example: "I took my girlfriend away for the weekend in the Hamptons. We stayed at a beautiful p[lace on the water for $1000. Then we went out to dinner and I bought wine and we spent a couple hundred on dinner. I also bought her some clothes for $500.. and blah blah blah... everything has a price tag. We can all see right through you, idiot! We all know you get your self worth by how much you can spend!
Not only do we NOT care how much you spent, but we dont care about your stupid love life with the woman you cheated on your wife with for months before getting a divorce! AT LEAST he got a divorce!  That's more than I can say for the douchebag. Anyway this asshole nitpicks everything I do. Last week he yelled at me for asking the manager for help with something I was trying to email the asshole because HE IS NEVER IN THE OFFICE TO GET ANYTHING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! Because hes off doing shady shit all day. Today he was furious at me bc I wrote to his client in an email that I didnt have a working number to call her at. She couldnt have cared less but he had to make a point to call me, since ya know hes never there, and not ONLY talk down to me and correct me but he had the audacity to tell me I have to email him him first what im sending his clients before I email them. I said ok so when I call them, I have to call you first and recite to you what Im going to say? and he said yes. Well then I guess I cant communicate anything to any of his clients then. I cant answer his phones either because God forbid I might say something wrong.   Tell me that's not the most asshole fucking thing to say to me! I already complained to one manager, now I have to put it all in writing to H.R. There's no way I'm working for him for the next 3 weeks. Not if I am being monitored with phone calls and emails. No way. He can get his shady asshole demeaning self in the office and deal with his own clients and do his own fucking work! Tell me this guy is not the biggest asshole to work for! He is also the one person who went around the whole office telling people I was pregnant and whose it was and then tries to be HIS friend! DB is so stupid to fall for that. I would have warned him but he deserves to be betrayed. He did it to me and his wife so he can get it back.

3 Dr. Gloom
This one is the most miserable human being I've ever met. His negative energy is stifling. If you have too long of a conversation with him, you either want to commit suicide, or you cant breathe because his negative energy almost chokes you. Like a weight on your chest. Everything he needs you to do is a fuckin emergency! He will stand over you with papers talking to you when you are on the phone WITH A CLIENT I MIGHT ADD, as if the paper in his hand is on fire! God forbid you dont drop everything to hear what he needs. Examples of his urgent requests: to send a check out in 3 days from the time he is asking, to call a client to access them online,  or to do personal stuff for him. NONE OF WHICH ARE A FRIGGIN EMERGENCY!
The thing that upsets me the most though is that when I get say "ok but this is not an emergency, you could have waited 2 minutes for me to finish the conversation I was on" he then tells me, and I QUOTE, "you dont do anything all day anyway!" THen in his serious conversations he likes to have with me he tells me how I shouldnt be surprised if they let poeple go and I'm one of the first because I am not licensed and.. I dont dop anything all day anyway. How the fuck does he know what I do? He shuts himself in his office talking on personal phonecalls all day crying about how horrible his home life is. And one of the poeple he most recently spoke to? the douchebag himself! And the 2 of them ripped me apart. This mother fucker actually accused me of keeping the baby to steal doucghebag's money! WHAT MONEY??? Douchebag has asked payroll to NOT take out his federal taxes and state taxes for the the last 7 or 8 paychecks! I guess he cant afford camp and a 2011 BMW convertible and a 2011 new SUV Acura after all can he?

I love how he told me over and over "I cant afford to help you with this child." yet he pays $20,000 for camp, and 1150/month on car payments alone. That doesn't count the insurance, the mortgage, the bills, the clothes for his kids, the $400 watch he buys himself to do his triathlons, etc. I remember one time he told me he was bad at managing money, but I didnt realize he was that bad. I can see why he is a nervous wreck praying to God this isnt his kid so he doesnt have to pay. Maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to show off with a new BMW you cant afford? If he is making around 100,000/year and is NOT paying federal taxes for 4 months, how much do you think he is going to owe at tax season? And where does he think this money is going to come from? But the best is, its all my fault right? Everything is all MY fault bc I didnt murder another child.

Speaking of, I am getting really nervous! I am 35 weeks pregnant now. Full term in only 2 weeks. I am still just so exhausted thinking about starting ALL OVER AGAIN. My baby shower is this Saturday. The best part of that will be that my 2 sisters will be there, my mom, and friends from high school. Also, my uncle is coming to see us all. I love him. Thank God I have family support. I'm nervous also because out 60 things on my registry, only 7 were bought. I need so many things and I have no money for them. I have to use half my savings on the lawyer. The only thing that keeps me strong and keeps me going is remembering how when I prayed about it 8 months ago as I cried to God, I remember seeing His hand touch my womb and feeling as if though He said He planned this and HE had created the baby and created her with a purpose. I now think one of the reasons was to get me away from someone who was using me and leading me on. Someone who was wasting my life away and I was missing out on meeting someone else whom I could be happy with, because I was too busy giving my heart to an undeserving cheater. Which is why I am giving the baby a middle name that means "free." She set me free from a lying, cheating coward.

I need to really figure out what I'm going to do about a job, who is going to watch my baby, or if I'll take another baby in... I have no idea. I have to have faith it will all work out. But I am certainly not going to put up with these assholes much longer. 3 more weeks of work and I'm fuckin out of that hell hole. AT LEAST for 3 months.

And Im still wide awake... Now Im going to be exhausted tomorrow. Awesome.

Its coming soon

Well, Im 33 weeks now and the baby has dropped a little. Due date is Oct 15th but im full term in 4 weeks. I really think the babys coming soon. I had a dream i went into labor Oct 6th and the baby was born Oct 7th. The first day of Yom Kippur. The day of atonement. the day of repentance for all sin. Ironic if she came that day huh? My heels hurt, my stomach is stretching and that ghurts, but no stretch marks thank God, my boobs are leaking, I had a yeast infection, i have constant hearetburn, and Im exhausted. Its a blast!! But the cool part is I can feel her move all over and now I can feel actual body parts. Like her but and her feet and her back. Her head and hands are down deep inside me. Everyone at work was commenting today aout how i got really big over the weekend and how the baby dropped. Everyone is predictong 3 to 4 weeks for delivery which is actually what I have been thinking for a couple months now. I just had a feeling about it. We shall see if everyone is right. I reorganized my entire apartmetn and I am getting a crib put in this weekend. Next weekend the 17th is my baby shower and I will have to find room for all of that as well. This weekend I will again need to organize. The cabinets this time.

I started selling Mary Kay and I sold so much I have gotten pins and rewards, free gifts, and tons of recognition. All the directors believe I will be extremely successful. I just need to have more energy though. Which I will get in a few months. I love doign it. Its really not easy but its much more rewarding doing that than what i do all day. Stare at the wall, send checks out, and answer the phon for the same DAMN PEOPLE!

I have to figure out what I'm gonna do work wise after the baby comes. Anyone wanna order a painting?? They are custom made for the customer.

http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.271970982816019#!/pages/Ray-Jay-Portraits/181652211894831

Anyway going to bed. Im exhausted!!!

been busy... and so tired

I have been so busy working and being exhausted with this pregnancy that i have not had any time to write or even read blogs. I finally thought of a name for the baby.  I prayed about it and asked God to help me. I had a feeling He answered back and let me know it would just hit me. I had a strong feeling about the first name that she was a Rachel. I LOVE the bible story about Rachel and Leah and how Jacob LOVED Rachel and worked 14 years on her fathers farm for her. I dont like how they competed with each other and their lives revolved around men. One man. Jacob. But I do love Rachel. And my baby feels like a Rachel. It means Peace of God. And the middle name that was stressing me out finally hit me. My mom's name. Frances. It means free!! And it means From France. If you know me at all you will know I love France, I want to move there, and I feel like I am from there. So that blew me away when I all of a sudden thought of it and decided to look it up. I suddenly felt peace and the wieght and worry of a name lifted off of me. Rachel Frances. Sounds like the 1930's or 40's too. Why i like it even MORE!

I posted this on my sister's fb wall about the name Rachel:



I was just reading the story of Rachel and Leah. omg how sad their lives were back then. it revolved around MEN! my favorite was when Rachel said to Jacob: GIVE ME A SON OR I WILL DIE! and he says, "AM I GOD?" That's actually amusing. the pathetic part is when Leah is like "oh! surely he will love me now! i gave him 4 sons!" So Rachel, who cant be outdone by her sister, gives him her servant to ha...ve more boys. And Leah does the same. I mean, how pathetic. their lives revolved around men! And they werent fulfilled unless their men loved them. Its about as pathetic as a wife who "supports" her husband when he cheated on her and was in love with another woman and never really loved her. How pathetic. Women need to focus on themselves and not men. (Thats what i am learning to do and I'm much better off.)

That last part was about the scumbag's PATHETIC wife who he DOES NOT love or respect! She has no respect for herself obviously. So what is she gonna do when the paternity test comes out positive? I dreampt of him last night that he was envious of me holding kissing and loving the baby. And he wanted to be a part of it but was still trapped in his "situation." Im sure thats how he will be. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

Guaranteed he comes back like they all do. Who else did? The dominican and a guy from a year ago I went out with ONCE. They all come back. All of them. I dont know why they do, they just do.  I must be very different than other women i guess. I have finally learned from my friend Mike how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Now that I have seen this I will never be with an asshole again. And Dickface is an asshole. I would never want to be with him again. I hope he comes back and regrets everything and feels like a damn fool. And i'll remind him of all the horrible things he did to me and all the great things i did for him. I still think about all the fun things we did and all the times we kissed and stuff and how much i truly loved him. Then I think about what a pathetic coward he is and how horribly mean and selfish he was and how he said such hateful things about my baby and I say good riddens you scum.

Anyway I am 31 weeks now! In only 6 weeks I will be full term! Can you believe that? Well heres a picture of my belly. :)

another letter from the lawyer

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No mercy

So heres the latest. I spoke to my lawyer regarding the nasty letter HIS lawyer sent mine. Apparently this scumbag is telling his lawyer and I'm sure everyone else for that matter, "the baby's not mine. She was sleeping around with multiple men at the same time and the last one wasn't mine either"

I cant even express how upset and disgusted I was. I have NO COMPASSION ANYMORE! NONE! I felt sorry for his pathetic ass? Now I couldn't care less. Wait til the paternity test is done and his wages are garnished. I hope nothing happens to him other than reaping 100 fold everything he's sown. I hope he continues to self-destruct. I have NO MERCY anymore!! Let his stupid pathetic wife who pathetically believes his lies and clearly has no idea what a liar, manipulator, and weasel he is, go be with him. One is more pathetic than the other!!

On a brighter note, you can go to my art facebook page and check out my art I am selling and "like" it if you like it. Its Ray Jay Portraits. Named after the baby: Rachel Jadon. I also am officially a Mary Kay consultant after using the product for myself and falling in love with it. I LOVE IT! My face feels amazing, the other women are so positive, and uplifting and encouraging.  I love the atmosphere when I am with them. I hope I can plow through enough to make good money from it.

So thats about it. Baby is healthy and strong and kicks and punches constantly. :) The princess doesn't like if my bladder has anything in it so she punches it until I empty it.

Thank you to the last anonymous reader who gave me good advice on protecting myself. I will do those things but I am not posting the comment so no one can see what it is you suggested. (for my own protection)  

He makes me sick to my stomach

How do you write and say and do such wonderful things to someone you are in love with and turn around and side with your wife, and hate me and turn other people on me to hate me as well? I dont get it. His lawyer he got after my lawyer sent him the letter, is the fucking brother of the fat bitch who tried to get me fired at work! His new little girlfriend. His wife is so stupid too. I want to send her the letters and cards he wrote me and the jewelry he sent me and say "you must be the stupidest person. Do you really believe his lies? You think I just pinned a pregnancy on him? Do you not know that he made me have an abortion last year? And that he told me he wanted a trial separation from you to be with me? And that he feels trapped with you??? Why dont read the stuff he wrote me before you judge me and side with that pathetic lying cheater you have for a husband??? You are pathetic!"  I cant even tell you how much I despise them both. And these other losers who want to hate me when they don't know me either.

And all this time i have said how i feel bad for him and worry about him? He not only went to Vegas for a long weekend, but got a new BMW? Seriously??? UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please GOD let his evil ways come back on him! Please God, bring life to your words when you said "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord!"  Let him get burned with his own fire and be my shield. Protect me when he tries to throw his evil daggers at me for greater is He that is in me than that weasel that's in the world!

He honestly scares me. He is filled with so much evil, rage, and hatred towards me, I have never felt hated by anyone before in my life. I was depressed all day because of it. I was nervous, couldnt sleep, and preoccupied all day. I hate him so much. And tomorrow I have to go back into the hell hole which i DESPISE for another brutal miserable week with all  the fucking assholes who think they are more important than anyone else! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Dreams

So the last 2 nights I had dreams about MM/DB. Two nights ago was a nightmare. I dreampt that he got majorly hurt 3 times. The first was a burn on his back, but it was his whole back and top of his butt. It was a serious burn though. Looking up what getting burned means:  indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax. Perhaps you are you feeling "burned out" or "burned up".I saw how bad his back was burned when he turned his back on me and walked away. And that means: To see a person turn their back on you, signifies that you will be deeply hurt. The second time I cant remember other than something happened to his butt again to misshape it. And the third time he and I were up really high on some kind of beam over a pool. He was  arguing with me and I was pleading with him to stop hating me and let me help him. But he kept running his mouth and saying words filled with anger and he was walkin backwards. I was trying to tell him to be careful that he was too close to the ege, but he wouldnt stop yelling at me to hear my warnings and he slipped and fell far down into a pool but he smacked the water on the pool and it misshaped his butt even more. He barely got out by the time I ran down to him. He was crying and I was hugging him. All I wanted to do was take care of him. But he refused me. He was too weak to speak and just cried but he managed to express somehow either by words or actions that he didnt want me around. I was not only heart broken but worried more than ever about him. This dream haunted me all day.


Mishsapes buttocks means: To dream that your buttocks are misshaped, suggest undeveloped or wounded aspects of your psyche. To fall: To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem.  The meaning of seeing him cry is very interesting:
To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

hmm... really? I am projecting my own feelings on him? Maybe. It would be regret and sadness that it turned out this way. Maybe I wish he would be upset ab US and not just his own life and his family. And that upsets me that he doesnt care about me the way I care about him. But how about the rest of the dream? Pretty damn accurate. I KNOW he is experiencing all those emotions.

Last nights dream was a dream where I was still in his life and he was nice to me. Well, I ean he let me back in after all this. I was at his house and he was telling me how unhappy he was and how bad his marriage had become but then I saw on the TV, his wife with his mother and sister all sitting at a Yankees game together having a great time laughing and smiling. He was supposed to join them. So I guess he decieved me again in that dream. Making me think he's doing so bad but really it was ok. Making me think his marriage was bad but really they were fine. Kind of like our whole relationship was. He made me think he would be with me but really had no intentions of ever leaving her. It was really sad. Maybe God is telling me: "he does not care about you the way you want him to. He is very angry, doesnt want your help, and is drowning in his own guilt and anguish. He has no inentions of leaving his wife so dont trust him."

I cant get over him. I cant stop loving him, and I cant stop worrying about him and caring about him. I know I probably shouldnt care about him but I do. If you ever read this blog when I talked about how I felt about him and saw the depth of love I had for him, you'd understand how I feel now. Now I wonder if it was all a waste. Well, maybe not. My baby girl will change my life and we never know what will happen in the future. Maybe he needed something like this to get him out of a miserable situation. Not saying he will be with me but he will be away from his miserable life and start a new one.  Maybe not. Maybe his wif will finally realize he is NOT HAPPY! DO SOMETHING!!! Anyway these are the things on my mind today. My baby kicks so much she wakes me up numerous times throughout the night and this morning at 6am. I dont mind though because I am constantly reminded how many women will do anything to get pregnant and still cant get pregnant. I am truly blessed and I am enjoying every minute of it! Plus, I am in love with the sweety.
Happy Independence Day!  I am so happy to be single and independant!!!

the letter has been sent

i haven't had time to sit and write, but basically last week this bitch client of his who is his friend, who had called me at work in march to tell me i am ruining his life and how i should get a abortion, wrote me and him an email basically trying to accuse me to doing things i did not do, and trying to sabotage me at work and get me fired. so i went to management and explained who she was and how she had ulterior motives. i had had enough of his games!!! i finally called the lawyer. and he sent him a letter that i know he is probably freeeaking out about. i was so sick last night and today with anxiety from it. i just feel so bad about everything even though i know this is his own fault and he made it a war, i still feel bad and worry about him like crazy. here is the letter:

dear mr. douchebag,

please be advised that i represent c. my client has informed me that she is expecting a baby this fall and that you are the father. please call me to make arrangements for you to pay your share of her medical expenses not covered by insurance and for you to pay child support. if i do not hear from you by July 15th, 2011, i will seek the appropriate assistance from the court and i will request that the court require you to pay my client's attorneys fees. if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. thank you for your cooperation.

very truly yours, the ruthless lawyer.

he has to be freaking out and furious at me!!!!

His emails from March

I actually cried when I read these because it made me think of how he used to love me. Or so I believed.  These are the emails we exchanged right after I told him I was pregnant and he screamed at me in the therapists office. It's so sad!!! Wh he has turned all of this not only into anger, but continues to deny his involvement as well as torment me still, is beyond me. He will never win. He tried to get me in trouble at work again. I will post that story in my next post. First, read these emails from him back in March.

March 11, 2011
From the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry about how the end of Wednesday's therapy session ended. As usual, my emotions about you got the best of me, and my anger came out more out of my own fears and feelings than anything else. I also realized, and of course I show it in the most fucked-up way possible, just how strongly I feel about you. And it scares the living hell out of me. Why I show my anger like that to the ones I care about the most is something I'm constantly struggling with and trying to work on, and I am truly sorry for how certain comments came out of my mouth. What I've also realized is just how much of a coward I really am, and how I don't even have a tenth of the strength that I thought I had. I'm sorry.


As incredibly angry as I acted in Dan's room the other night, the fact of the matter is that my feelings for you have not changed one bit. The reason I acted like a "lunatic", as you LOVE to call me (and probably very accurate) is that I am SO conflicted and SO confused and feeling SO tortured about my feelings towards you. You may think I'm a liar, or that I've somehow been "faking" my feelings for the past two and a half years to get what "I" want, but nothing could be farther from the truth. My feelings run so far and so deep, it is truly scary to me. Make no mistake about that. I have never been shown a love to me that was so deep as the one you have shown and given to me. If I have acted as though I take it for granted, I am sorry, because as I sit here writing this to you, I realize more than ever about the depth of the love you have shown, and I realize just how deep MY feelings have developed for you. I just want you to know this.

I'd like to write more to you later if you'd allow me. I gotta go for the time being.


March 14, 2011

All I've been doing the last two days is to beat myself up senselessly, and I sat in my office yesterday in an absolute complete daze. I'm sure I'll do the same today.


(from me)
All I keep hearing over and over in my head is "make no mistake! We

are done! Forever. I will never be with you"

That's enough for me to hear. You said it like three times. I have

never in my life been hurt so badly like that. Especially because I

have done nothing but love you with everything I had to give. But

that's what you want. So that's it then. We're done. There's really

nothing else to say at this point.



It's not a question of what I "want". Like I said, I fully recognize the depth of the love you have shown me, and, although you'll always compare your depth of love to mine, I have given you a depth of love that, as I view it from afar right now, is as deep as I have been able to have. But you have to know that how I said what I said in Dan's room the other night came out of the utter and complete torture that I feel every second of every day about my feelings for you, and how the torture in my own being has become too great, as well as the continued recognition of just how unhappy I am in my own life, and how fucking stupid and crazy I am to push away the one person who has done everything she possibly could to make me happy. I'm just a fucking completely pathetic excuse for a human being right now, and an incredibly cowardly person who is in a lot more turmoil than he cares to admit. I am not even half the man I thought I was. Just fucking pathetic. And all I do is think about you night and day. You can tell me all you want about "out of sight, out of mind", but, I'm honestly telling you that that simply is not the case. I carry around my feelings about you every second of every day. Make no mistake about it. And, as much as you have tried to make ME happy since we've known each other, I have, sometimes in admittedly very fucked-up ways, tried to do the same in return.

you do know that I've been tossing and turning every single night since last Tuesday, right? you do know that I'm not this cold-hearted person, and that i'm a person who is feeling as sick to his stomach as a person can feel in this circumstance, right? I can only imagine that it's probably only a tenth of the sickness that YOU have been feeling about it all, but please stop labeling me as just this cold-hearted person who could give two shits about you, your body, your life. it's just utter bullshit to throw those lines at me. you do realize that I have an itsy bitsy, teeny tiny right to feel upset and angry at the way you hid this from me, as much as you say you were waiting for the "right" time to tell me, and that you were trying to protect me, right? as fearful and upset as YOU are, I am just as equally upset. you need to know this. and alot of my thoughts and feelings, although coming out as anger in your mind, are really just alot of angst and fear on my part, fear of the unknown. to say to me "don't worry about it", to tell me that all i am is selfish, to say to me that all i care about is myself, is just simply not true. when you told me last tuesday night, my first gut reaction was to go right to the logic side of my brain, the practical side (maybe it's the financial advisor side of me, i'm not too sure), to say that, here you are, a brave woman who is constantly struggling to make ends meet, a woman who should be trying to make her life as easy as possible on herself, a person who needs to UNCOMPLICATE her life as much as possible, not complicate it more. i just don't get why you would want to add to your struggles. again, this is my left brain logical and practical side that comes out. i just want you to know all this. and i am not minimizing the absolute horror you felt about all this the first time around. I experienced first hand just how INCREDIBLY conflicted you were. My memories of that time period are just as vivid today as they were then.

And as much as you don't understand how i chose not to be with you, i equally don't understand why YOU are making YOUR choices. MY choice was really mostly out of putting an end to the sheer and utter TORTURE that you and I were putting ourselves through. and my anger in the session last Wednesday was more of a clear break of that absolute torture we were putting ourselves through than anything else. I wasn't angry at you, and I'm sorry that I may have made you feel that way. i mean, to see you shake and cry uncontrollably just ripped through to my heart. you have no idea. i just sat there silently, purposely not reacting, of course after my 3 or 4 second emotional outburst, because the level of my emotions were just too much for me to bear, I just couldn't think of any other way other than to sit there in silence. if you know me by now, you know that in moments of incredible stress, like it was in Dan's room that night, that my mind and mouth just completely shut down and grow silent. you are the exact opposite. your emotions were almost literally spilling out into that room. if you don't think that my heart was feeling as ripped apart as yours that night, you are crazy. I felt EVERY tear and EVERY shake of your body that night.

irony

Yesterday i heard from someone who is friends with the douchebag on facebook, that he recently made his status: can you believe weiner??" for those of you who do not know who that is, he held the NY seat for the House of Representatives. He was on some website posting pictures of himself nude, half nude, etc trying to hook up with woman, being married already.
First of all, DB has a lot of nerve posting that. i am surprised he didnt say something about arnold scwarzenegger! Who is DB to judge Weiner? Maybe you should focus on yourself you idiot!! And furthermore, doesn't he realize people know what he has done? reminds me of the bible verse "judge not, lest you be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you!!! matthew 7:12. Jesus said it. I honestly try to remember that because i am not perfect, who am i to throw stones? and honestly, sometimes i do it. we all do it. we all make mistakes. the reason it bothers me he was judging is because he is YET to take any responsibility for anything he's done. i mean he tells people whats going on with the story that he is a victim!! and his kids are innocent victims and how i am the evil one out to destroy his life. couldnt be further from the truth.
I would also like to point out that i feel bad for this weiner guy. he made a mistake and it was made public. he is obviously insecure and needed much reassurance from women. this is how i always get myself in trouble. i feel bad for all these men and all i want to do is help them, and make them feel good about themselves, and i end up getting hurt in the end. I try to look beyond the selfish stupid things people do and get past that to their soul and deep rooted emotions. Like DB. i made him so happy but as soon as my happiness had any importance to me, he started to try and destroy my life.
on a lighter note, i woke up yesterday and went to bed last night to feeling my baby kicking AND punching, both hands and both feet, like crazy! shes a nut! i guess shes happy! she does it all day and all night! i love her!!

confession

Even though the psycho never ceases to hurt me or do something evil, i still miss the old him. the nice him. The one who smiled at me with love in his eyes. the one who made me laugh every single day. the one who let me go in his office and vent about the bitches i work with. The one who would tell me every day how I drove him crazy, or how i would be the death of him. Ha! Those words ring true i guess since everything is MY fault. I miss the way he kissed me and the way he would hug me with all his emotions. I miss the way he would get frustrated with me and laugh in surrender.  I miss how he would buy me lunch every day. We would get in a raging fight and an hour later he was buying me lunch. I miss his hands and his feet and his smell. I miss the man i thought he was. I miss the man I pretended he was. Or thought he could be. I miss the fantasy of him i had. Now, even though I have his child inside me, I feel nothing. No connection. I don't feel a part of him at all. Shes all mine. She is God's mine, and my daughter's sister. She is a gift and a blessing and as far as I'm concerned she is nothing like him. She is my baby and I love her. I just wish he could have been half the man I pretended he was. It hurts badly.

ultrasound

I went to my ultrasound yesterday, and the baby could not be cuter! At the hospital they give you 3D pics! You can see everything. She was kicking around like crazy! Flipping and punching and turning etc. The ultrasound tech was laughing and said she had to be quick with pictures because the baby was so fast. She said "you better get some running shoes for this one when she comes out because she is fast!"  First thing that came to my mind: sperm donor is a runner. Runs miles every day and does triathlons. I said "good! maybe I have my little soccer player!"

Later in the day I remembered the dream I had. Her face pretty much looks like the dream. Then I compared the ultrasound picture to his picture and she pretty much looks just like him. 1. what a relief! she looks like him, which means it ain't the dominican's. and 2. I was right with my dream

She has this adorable little triangle shaped chin with a little notch in it. NOT MY CHIN! HIS chin to a tee! Also, her nose? NOT MINE. I showed the side by side to my daughter, grandma, and my sister. All of them said "oh my God, you're right! She is him!" My sister and grandma added "call the lawyer!" I said i will, i will.

And thats my news. Nothing else really going on. I'm just waiting for him to self-destruct and for his wife to get some self-worth and dump his sorry ass. She is pathetic. I mean, even more so than HIM! What a pathetic pair.

Oh! One more thing. When I posted the picture on facebook and the "born-agains" saw, they OF COURSE started asking questions! One lady sent me a video from  a service where the singer had a prophetic song from God saying in a nutshell, "it doesnt matter what you've done I still love and dont feel guilty because you've only just begun. I have a plan for you and love you no matter what" I responded with "i dont feel guilty but thanks for sharing. I only felt guilty when I was at your church thinking I was never perfect enough." FUCK THEM! Oh my GOD they are even more pathetic!!! They all live in fantasy land. Get over yourselves. Including douchebag sperm donor. Loser.

okay, hopefully something more exciting in my life will happen to blog about it. Feel free to email anytime. The ones who have, I have enjoyed very much talking to you. I am going to blog soon about what to do career wise. I need advice and direction and help. I know there is no way I can stay home with my baby for 3 months and go back to that HELL HOLE! I need to figure out how to either work from home, or teach preschool part time on a very LOW budget and work from home the rest of the time. I dont know. I will blog my ideas and questions another time. in the meantime, I will go stare at my baby's pictures some more and dream about eating that little chin of hers and smelling her new baby smell. I swear they should have air fresheners called "new baby smell" just like they have "new car smell"

he never stops

I am so disgusted with sperm donor that I don't even have the energy to blog about him. My therapist called me to tell me he called her yelling at her that she told me he was looking for a new therapist and I told my friend mike who told his therapist who then called the idiot! I don't like his therapist. He tells things that in my opinion, should not be repeated. He was trying yet again to manipulate another situation. have her say something to me like she can't be my therapist I dunno. But she said "he's self destructing and no matter how much he tries to destroy you and your relationships, stay strong! Don't let him get in between me and you, or you and anyone else that matters t you"

Remember when I blogged that he had called my daughters grandma who is like my mother to try and manipulate her to get me to have an abortion? To save HIS ass? He's crazy! He still is YET to admit to his own faults. If he can't manipulate me directly, he goes to my connections and my relationships. So desperate and so pathetic. I wonder if he sees the baby how he will feel. I pray it will calm him the fuck down and he will realize how stupid he's been. One can only hope and pray.

So I posted the picture I posted here on facebook. I have over 40 comments and 20 likes so far. Everyone was shocked and very nice. Some of the people asked the dreaded questions I don't want to answer like "I didn't know you were dated anyone. Who's is it?" My answer: a man. My sister answered back for me: it was an immaculate conception. The saddest comment I got was this: Congrats didn't realize you were in a relationship Hopefully he is a good man and will give you a great life.
Ha! Couldn't be more further from the truth! It was sad though because it made me think how horrible he's been to me. Oh well. I still have peace about my baby and I love her no matter what.

Anyway thanks for the comments. My daughter took that picture. I think I'll blow it up and frame it for her and my baby. Too bad I only have 3 pictures of me and him together. And Rafa- everytime you comment, I respond and you don't respond. Boo! Go back to the comments!

Can't think of anything else at the moment other than one last gripe that I can't comment on anyones blogs from my phone and when I can comment its anonymous. Ridiculous.

20 1/2 weeks

I have a few things to share. Will post tomorrow.

is it true?

So i was on facebook last night and the guy i went to Vegas with instant messaged me with this "is it true?" i said "is what true?" (as if i didn't know)  "ur preggars?" i said "Yes, how the hell did you hear that?" "well i did a painting job at someone from your company's house and he told me."  "what town?" "$(^$(* $*^$(*^ area" "interesting. how did it come up?" "i saw his Opco badge and asked him if he worked there. he said, yes, do you know people there? i told him you and (douchebag) and he proceeded to tell me the gossip." "how much do you know?" "the baby has down syndrome possibly and that you had an abortion a year ago, etc" "what the fuck??? i told like 2 people about the bloodwork and for the record the baby is perfectly healthy! what the fuck is wring with people?" "i dunno but that's good to hear.  and Congratulations!" "thanks. so did this person also tell you how he harassed me so badly to get an abortion and when i refused he went psycho and they actually had to move him to another location?" "yes he told me all that." "interesting how this person knows every friggin detail of my life and couldnt wait to just blab it around" "well congratulations anyway!" "thanks!"


okay well... first of all, i asked all the assistants at work today who lives in that area. there are only 2 that we know of. one is our boss and would NEVER say that stuff. the other is an old gossiper who does nothing all day but walk around and chit chat with reluctant people who want to actually TRY AND WORK! So I'm sure its this guy. Second of all, I don't understand who has the audacity to tell random people our business! I mean, it's one thing to tell the juicy gossip of me being pregnant, but in my opinion it's another thing to cross that line and tell some random person about my bloodwork and the abortion etc!!! and how the fuck did he even know about the bloodwork? I told maybe 2 people that! Which means the people I thought were my friend are not. People just can't keep their big mouths shut! I have never seen gossip spread like this wildfire before. They may as well go public on the fuckin news with it! Does it make them happy to spread that? I can guarantee they never stop for a second and say to themselves, gee if someone did this to me how would i feel? Do I hate them that much to share their personal business to everyone and anyone without any thought about how it could hurt them or their families?

I cannot WAIT to get out of that job! I fuckin hate those people.  I bought a series 7 study guide, dvd, online classes, etc to help me study while i sit and stare at the wall.  I will use them to get my license and once December hits, I'm lookin for a new job. I'll work there for the last month after I come back, and I'm out of there. They can all gossip about someone else! Fuckin assholes. And as for sperm donor... he should be thankful he's in another location! I feel bad for him, but unfortunately he has been so horrendous to me, especially by trying to get me in trouble at work on top of everything, that I just have no compassion left for him anymore. Maybe a smidge... but it's all gone. All I can remember is the mean things he said to me, the blaming me, the time at the therapist when he yelled at "you will never be with me ever again!" It still rings in my ears. And that was when he thought he could still convince me of an abortion. That was the meanest thing he's ever said to me since knowing him. I just read some of his cards earlier. He said in one of them, that his tough exterior is just a cover-up for his true feelings. I'm sure that his hatred for me is a cover-up for his pain. I wonder if he still cares at all. I know he cares about his kids and how he has hurt them but I wonder how he feels about me.  Or how he will feel when my little baby is born. HIS baby. I wonder if he came and apologized and all that, and kissed me how I would feel. Would there be nothing left? Or would I still have an ounce of love and compassion for him?

Oh well. It'll never happen and I have to stop thinking about him. We're over. So sad. I'm sad. But its time to focus on studying the next 2 months and get it over with so I can move on.  And blogger won't let me comment on anyone's page without being anonymous. Just like Rafa had a hard time with. I wrote a long comment on a few blogs and each time i tried to post them, it deleted them! So I said fuck it. I'm done commenting!  Have a great weekend everyone!

my day

So here's a little breakdown of what I did today. (Thus far)
9am-arrive at work with terrible burning in my eye that I woke up with
I was in so much pain. I had a cold compress and eye drops but it didn't help at all.
9-11am-slept at my desk.
11-typed a letter that took all of 5 minutes.
1120-left for a dentist appt. Cleaning.
1240-returned to work and heated up lunch.
1-230-sent out one check. I can't really recall what I did here in this hour and a half other than made some popcorn, went to the bathroom, made tea, and went on facebook.
230-3 made my flyers and contact info and such for a craft fair I am participating in on sunday to sell my artwork.
330- argued with my daughter about nonsense.
335- I am writing this.
Such a fulfilling job isn't it? The place is a joke. No one else is working either. Maybe they do more than me... But since the psycho left, I have no work to do.

Did I mention the dream I had about the baby? If so, I guess I'm telling it again. About a week ago, I felt the baby kick with what was clearly her feet. Right foot. Then right left right. They were kinda hard kicks! Very exciting though. I have been able to feel her move like crazy. So that night I went to sleep and woke up at 430am when I usually do. I sleep on my stomach and woke up to feeling her move. I fell back to sleep and woke up to this dream I had that was so real I almost cried when I awoke. I dreampt my skin was transparent and I could see through right to my baby. I saw her little feet and legs as she kicked me. I also saw her tumbling around. Then she turned face up towards me. I saw her whole face! Head covered in dark hair and blue eyes. She looked up at me, recognized me, and her whole face lit up as she smiled at me and kicked her little feet. I almost cried in my dream as I smiled back and said hi! Then I immediately woke up and literally almost cried. She was beautiful. And she looked JUST LIKE HIM, but prettier, cuter, and a hell of a lot sweeter. I know women usually have these kinds of dreams later on in pregnancy, like 7 months and on, so this was pretty early. Now of course I got anxious to see what she really looks like! I was born with a full head of black hair, and my daughter was, so I'm sure she will too.

Yesterday a guy at work told me that he knows that someone called the sperm donor's wife and told her what was going on. Hopefully this person told her the actual truth. This guy that told me, knew the whole friggin story! The abortion, the miscarriage, etc. Which means if he spoke to someone who called most likely they knew it too. Hopefully... I hope she hears the truth. Not his pathetic lie. As far as I know though, they are still together and fine. And she "couldn't be more supportive!" I am curious however, to see how long she can stay with him through this until she can't handle it anymore. Hopefully she'll hear the truth. That he was in love with someone else and has been for over 2 years! Its one thing to forgive and move on with a one night affair. But not a 2 1/2 year girlfriend he loved on the side. Please. I don't even give a shit anymore anyway. He made his choices. He will suffer his own consequences and he lost me too. He makes me sick.

He tried to get me in trouble at work a week ago too! I sent his asst an email frustrated that he hasn't bothered to tell his clients I no longer work for him or that he moved locations! So the asswipe decides to forward it to my boss and say how "unprofessional it was" and how he wants her to "speak to me" about it. Go fuck yourself! She spoke to me and said don't use caps as to not upset him. Nice try you pathetic weasel.

One last thing to mention. My purse dialed him on memorial day. I noticed a half an hour later and sent him the following text: my purse dialed you by mistake. Don't worry I have absolutely no desire to speak with you.
He responds with "right" an hour later. Then because I didn't respond, he sends it again a half an hour later! "Right" I knew he was looking for a response so I gave him none. Had I responded, it would've been: "go fuck yourself you pathetic loser douchebag!!!" But I knew it would bother him if I said nothing. This way he would believe me when I say I have no desire to speak to you!!!

Welp, its now 415, and I have 45 minutes left to stare at the wall. Hopefully you all will have something interesting to respond. Ugh... Time for another nap.

venting

So the girl who sits next to me was out yesterday and today. Not one person came over to say hi to me. And the reason that bothers me is because when she is here, 3 or 4 girls come over to talk to her, and include me to be polite but I mostly try to mind my business. Especially since any time she's not here, no one speaks to me. I know it shouldn't bother me, because they are all mostly younger than me and they aren't the type of people I would go out of my way to hang out with either but it still bothers me.

Another thing that really pisses me off and hurts my feelings is that the asshole doesn't speak to me. After everything I've done for him. He thinks I ruined his life, but its not my fault he reacted the way he did. And I did a LOT of things for him! Meanwhile he goes about his business and his days as if I was never a part of his life. As if I never existed. It really upsets me. It hurts a lot. He completely abandoned me and pushed me out of his life. Out of sight, out of mind.
Granted, my life is so much less stressful without him, and that's the best thing for the baby, but its still hurtful how he can treat me like that.

I am currently looking for a part-time job working with event planners so I can do it for myself full-time. I want to have my own business and my other businesses within that business. I could make so much money. And make my own hours. It actually excites me, which is great considering how depressed I am at this place. And about a lot of things in my life. I have a plan but I just need the confidence to go out and do it.

Speaking of confidence I finally realized that I am not "normal." Never was, and probably never will be. I was always independent and intelligent as a child, and never fit in. I was an advocate of equal rights since I was 2! If I was hungry, I didn't ask for food, I went to the garbage can, because I saw food being dropped in there. Other times I would just go for the things left out. I knew it was food, I could get myself, and I didn't need anyone! My brother was a year younger than me, and when my family tried to make me get off the bottle, hell no! If my brother had a bottle, I had a bottle. Same thing with diapers. I wasn't havin any underwear! If he has a diaper, I have one. This carried on until I was in high school. Everyone had a clique. There were at least ten cliques in my grade. I refused to be part of one because I refused to portray I was better than anyone else in any way by conforming to a "group." No matter what, I couldn't do it. And where did that leave me? Lonely. Home on the weekends alone while everyone else was out with their cliques. I still can't do it now. Even at work. My mom always gave me good advice. If you want friends, let people talk about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves. I tried it. Made me unhappy and unfulfilled to find "friends" who were self absorbed. All those friends I made that way, guess where the are now!!! As soon as I let the real me out, they didn't like me! I wasn't there for them at their beck and call serving them unconditionally, and I started to live my own life. A life that they didn't like. Dating a married man, drinking,dancing. They all abandoned me. I can understand someone having a problem with me dating a married man, but I can accept it. I would accept all my friends if they did drugs, were gay, slept around etc. I wouldn't want them doing drugs around me, but I wouldn't abandon them because of it. Its just so hurtful that people can't accept one another.

I just feel so unfulfilled and lonely. That's why I wish the readers were close to me and could actually be my friends. To go to lunch with or to even come see the baby! But I have come to the conclusion, as I said, that I am not normal. I never will be. And its ok. I just have to find some things I like.

I saw this painter last weekend who was amazing. You should actually google him: david garibaldi. I spoke to him after his show and he totally inspired me. He shared is story about following his passions in life. Art and helping people. Now he makes thousands and thousands of dollars painting and helping people raise money at charity events and fundraisers. It inspired me to follow my heart and follow my dreams. And I'll tell ya, none of them point to this hell hole I go to every day. I don't know what's worse. Going to a job where you hate the work you do, or having no work and staring at the wall. Yesterday I did my bills and filed them all for about 2 hours. Today I brought the bills I had at home so I can file them with the others. It BLOWS. At least I have my phone with internet access so I can post this blog.

Anyway feel free to share things about yourself on my comments. It doesn't always have to be all about me...

my dream

This morning I woke up to a nightmare! I dreampt that I had a half black baby! And I realized it was alejandro's the dominican's! Then I started crying and saying "I ruined (D)'s life for a kid that's not even his!" And I also didn't want the baby. But I had to keep the baby because my daughter would be devastated if I didn't. I ran away crying and couldn't stop. I was saying "I can't go back to work! I can't let anyone see the baby!" It was awful. And my mom was there saying "I told you so" and I could not stop crying. Then I woke up.
Then I had to again remind myself, according to my due date, I would have gotten pregnant saturday jan 22nd. Not wed the 26th. And that saturday, douchebag came inside me. Along with all the other days we had sex. Except that wednesday. I THINK. I remember it was incredible and lasted a long time! And he even commented it was because he was meditating. Also, that sat and wed I begged him to fuck me. The ONLY time I ever beg him is when I am ovulating. I am out of control horny when I am ovulating! And esp that wed when I thought I did get pregnant which I probably and may have still gotten pregnant, I was so horny and I remember him just bangin me so hard I was sore later. I was most likely ovulating then too.
Therefore, I think I just have that shadow of a doubt in the back of my head like I did with that amnio. And everything was fine!!!

Someone came up to me at work yesterday and whispered, "are you making this douchebag pay for child support I hope?" I told him how I want him to have nothing to do with me or be in my life so I am seriously reconsidering. He replied with some advice similar to what I've been getting. To put all emotions aside, don't make a decision on those emotions and to put the best interest of the child first. The child needs and deserves to have their needs met. Reminds me of the blog readers' advice as well as my friends and family. I'm just really scared to go to court, I DON'T want him and his evilness around me or the baby, and I just want him out of my life forever. He still scares me!

On a brighter note, a woman who works in my building whom I walk in with every morning and ride the elevator with, asked me if I was pregnant. I guess I'm finally starting to show after 4 and a half months! In a week and half I'll be 5 months pregnant already! Yet only half way through. Seems like I'm moving along but I still have aaaall summer to get huge! Ugh!
Anyway thanks again for the comments. I wonder what ever happened to EG.

got my anticipated phone call

This morning as I was getting ready for my dreadful job, I had my phone sitting in the other room. I glanced at it as I walked by and noticed it was blinking. Its funny how we all get excited that we have a message on our phones but most of the time, its just some stupid junk email. But I check it anyway with hope that its something exciting. As I pushed the button, I saw "missed call" and looked at the number. The number to the hospital. Now I have been anticipating this call but to see it come up scared me. I blurted out "uh oh" and put the phone down. I stood there for a minute and debated in my head if I really was ready to hear the answer. I quickly succumbed to the curiosity and called the voicemail.
The nurse called, then the genetic counsellor. Both reported that the baby is absolutely perfect and completely healthy! Nothing wrong! Whew! What a relief! I was so excited I yelled out, "yes! Thank god!" I immediately sent everyone a text and called my daughter's grandma who is like my mother. She said she actually cried when I told her. Then I called back the genetic counselor to get confirmation its definitely a girl! There was still doubt in my head about that too! Lol. So I got it. Definitely, positively a girl! And definitely, positively healthy.
So now its time to start picking out girl stuff for my registry. As for the douchebag, I'm not even telling him he's having a girl. Or that his sperm created a girl, I should say. Screw the bastard. He's such a pathetic weasel! I really want him out of my life forever.
Hope everyones having a good day today!

is he fuckin kiddin me?

So the girl who sits next to me at work is 3 months ahead of me in her pregnancy. She and I cover each other's guys when the other is out, or on the phone, etc. So when the loser and I were forbidden to talk to each other, she was doing his work for him as she was the only other assistant that had access to his accounts. Well... The whole time she was working for him, she would tell me how she thinks he should be fired, how horrible he his, how she has no pity on him, etc, but then flirt back and forth on emails. And I mean flirt like joking and being silly. Oh its just so cute!!! (Barf)
So now he's been gone for a few weeks. And he's clearly missing people here since he keeps asking everyone if they miss him. Except me of course! So her baby shower was this weekend. I wonder how he even knew about it!!! He emails her and says "just wanted to congratulate you on your baby shower this past weekend. Hope you had a great time!!!!! PS I hope you're not missing me too much these days"
Let's talk about this bullshit for a second. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FUCKING BABY YOU SCUMBAG!!!! If you miss it here its your own fault for being a psycho asshole! You are a scumbag low life who only cares about yourself! Why do you feel the need to be all nice to her? Espeeeeecially when you know DAMN well when I have the baby or the baby shower you won't want anything to do with it?? God I hate him. Seeing things like this makes me NOT feel guilty!!!
Her response made me even more sick: "HEYYYYYYY thank you!!!! It was very nice! We did have a good time it was a little cold but it didn't rain... Of course I miss you, there's no one to talk yankees with...speaking of I am no longer a jorge fan!! Lol JK how are you doing?"
The whole interaction made me sick. I'm sure she's just being nice, but don't talk shit out of one side of your mouth then pretend you like him out of the other side. So he answers back: "fine..." Then some other bullshit about seeing a game in box seats with a wholesaler from work, blah blah. Yeah he's fine. He can go fuck himself. Then I went to check his office to see if he threw away a present I gave him from vegas. It was a little bag with dice that read "douchebag's casino" and craps chips. We actually played it in his office. It was fun! We rolled the dice, bet the chips etc. Well sure enough it was in the trash. I took them and the plants I gave him back to my desk. Uuuuggghhh!!!! God I hate him! I wanted to text him and say "someone threw your vegas present away by accident." Or something like that. But he's not worth my text.
I am seriously reconsidering taking him to court and having him involved in any way whatsoever with this baby. I really don't want him to be any part of the baby's life or mine. I don't want him to think he has any right or say in anything I do or anything pertaining to the baby. I want him to always wonder but not actually know. He's too evil. I can't express enough how much I hate him.
Also, I called the genetic counselor. No results yet. If the results are positive, I'm takin his ass to court. If not, I have to think about it. And thank you so much for all the encouragement and kind words from everyone! :) and to rafa for aways commenting.

big surprise

Went to the doctor today for the ultrasound and amnio test. The doctor said nothing at all in the ultrasound indicates down syndrome but because the bloodwork was so alarming they aren't sure. It was friggin painful! And the baby was just movin around like crazy!!! The ultrasound tech said the baby was extremely active! And cute! And guess what! Its a girl! I was completely shocked! I didn't even believe it. I'm not telling the psycho though. Fuck him.
So pray my baby is ok and ill give the results in a week when they are available. Time to register for my baby shower! Yay! Pink and yellow!

that mother fucker harassed me on mothers day

i cant even begin to describe my hatred for him. I am EMBARRASSED that i ever loved him or found him remotely attractive. He is a pussy and a coward and liar and a bully. He was harassing me all weekend and trying to ONCE AGAIN blame me and my friend for sending him the card. I told my cop friend and he told me to report him and I'm going to tomorrow. I'm going to the station and showing them the texts etc. How dare he accuse me of doing something i would never do! How many times did i say on here "I would love to send him my blog, etc but I could never do that. Fear of Karma and I want peace. I don't ant to stir things up" How many times??? He was ruining my mothers day making me so sick to my stomach it was hard to let it go and enjoy my day. He such a little wimp that he has to try and scare me over this bullshit! He has no clue how many people hate him and are talking so much shit about him! NO CLUE!! I cant wait for his world to crumble. I always feel bad all the time well I dont anymore!
He was like: how would they know my address if you didnt tell them? Um hello!!! IDIOT!!! Its on the Internet! People pages??? You are listed you fucking retard! You and your wifes name, address, and home number! It doesnt take an expert to find your info. God, he is stupid. Grasping at anything and everything to blame me fro EEEVERYTHING! Im calling the lawyer tomorrow and going to the cops. He will NOT bully me. No way.
Fucking LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, the baby kicks every night around 8pm and 4am. Pretty darn cute! Despite the loser, I had a fantastic mothers day with my wonderful special daughter and her family. (which is my family too) It was beautiful out here!

Hope everyone had a nice day too!

his retaliation

He is so pathetic. I was half asleep on the couch when my phone vibrates with a text. I look to read it and "piece of shit" comes up which is my name for the asshole on my phone. I get excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. It reads: That little stunt your boyfriend mike pulled sending a card like that to my house has been reported to the police.
What a loser! He has no idea how many people actually hate him and want his wife to find out what a scumbag he is. Its sad. So I responded with: it wasn't him idiot!! Then I sent a second one that said:A. He's not my bf B. He would never do that C. He's not that stupid and D. Open your eyes! Maybe you have other enemies. I have no CLUE who did it!
I wanted him to know it was NOT mike and that he should be nervous because he doesn't scare me and that he has more enemies than he realizes. I really wanted to say: you are so stupid. Do you have any clue how many people are talking about you? And how many people hate you? And how many people could have sent that? Open your eyes you fool! But then he'd think I was behind it all. And guess what! I never said a word!
He never responded. He made me sick to my stomach though. And still does. He is surrounded by darkness lies deception and destruction. I predict his life is only gonna get worse. And all I care about is that he blames me and an innocent child. Its sad.

got some good stuff for you!

So first, I get to work and check my emails to find another request to fill in as a sub for db's networking group. I responded with "I no longer work with (db) and we don't speak anymore so I don't feel comfortable at all being there, sorry." So she asked me to call her and fill her in and made a comment that I found quite interesting. She said "interesting you say this as the --- networking group is falling under his leadership."
I spoke to her on the phone and did what I always do. I tell people the truth but in a way that doesn't flat out bash him, and I'm discrete enough that I can never be blamed for telling anyone anything about what's really going on but just enough that they can figure it all out themselves. Not sure if she figured it out yet but if she does, she does. Then, I went to dinner with my old boss. The director of the preschool I taught at. I told her I was pregnant and told her the WHOLE story and she was really sweet. Told me she had dated a married guy before so she understood how I felt as I told her about how he loved me and told me he wanted to be with me and was thinking of getting a separation and stuff. It wasn't just sex on the side. He really loved me. Just never enough. I told her how I wanted to wait for him and was willing to accept all his baggage and drama and pain in the ass things that came with him. But he made us enemies and now we don't speak. Then she surprised me by telling me she was pregnant too! But this is her third and she is exhausted thinking about it just as I am exhausted thinking about my baby.
While I was out with her I had gotten a text from my friend telling me that his therapist also douchebag's therapist, told him that the db went in on monday and told him that someone mailed a card to his house addressed to him and his wife congratulating them on the new baby! Ha ha! I laughed. Then they signed it: Mike. So db immediately assumed it was MY friend but it was not! He would NEVER do something like that! I was totally shocked. There was no return address either of course. I am telling you, I have NO CLUE who would do that! No clue! Honestly. This news has spread so far and I heard that people are saying nasty things about him and that he has accumulated some enemies. They are basically saying he's an idiot for not being careful and that he shouldn't have cheated and the fact that he has abandoned me throughout this makes him look worse which in turn creates more comments. At least if he manned up to his faults, maybe they wouldn't be so mean about it. So there's no way I could possibly track who sent that to him. I think signing it mike was a random name. And db was all like "I called the cops! You tell him I called the cops!" Good ol' douchebag tryin to intimidate people again! Ugh. I ant stand him. But I still think its hilarious that someone sent that. Was it any of you?? I mean, his name and address and phone number are listed! Its called google! ANYONE could has done it! Anyone!

nothing much as of now

Nothing much to report or talk about. He hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since that last text message. He doesn't work in this office anymore so I never see him, thank god! And I can relax and not be stressed or stress out the baby.
I started to feel the baby kick already. I don't even look pregnant at all. I mean the people close to me can tell but anyone else wouldn't know. I just look like I have a stomach. If you ever saw my pictures I posted months back, I have a flat stomach. Had.
I will be 4 months as of saturday. In 3 days. The amnio is monday morning. I will find out the sex of the baby and see the ultrasound. My sister is coming with me. Especially because her son is autistic so she is a positive influence. I have peace that my baby is fine but I want to make sure. I will find out the answer to the amnio the following thursday. I will post about that.
I still cannot believe how he can treat me this way. I've never been abandoned like that. I can guarantee though, that he'll come back eventually. Like I've said from the beginning. Every man in my life has come back. After some time, they always come back. And this asshole never had closure with me.
I've been trying to gather all the information I can about him so I can give it to the lawyer. Oh! This is the lawyer my sister referred me to. This guy was married, gets divorced, and takes his wife to court. She was a stay at home mom and when court is settled SHE ends up paying HIM child support! He is ruthless and cut throat. HE is the one I will have representing me.
Anyway nothing else to report. In response to a readers comment, I can't get a new job because I will not get paid for maternity leave. You have to work somewhere for a year first and no one would hire me knowing I was pregnant. But will start looking in december. I can't afford to go anywhere else right now. It sucks. Especially since I hate my job. But at least he's not here anymore. Scumbag.

he is spiteful

Well I never got an answer about his medical history. He is a complete child. A spiteful, immature child.
Yesterday a new client of his called my direct line to say this, "listen, sweetie, I need you to give mr. ------ a message for me. Please tell him if he doesn't stop harassing about bonds I'm not interested in, I'm gonna call the NYSE" "wait, he's actually harassing you? Is he sending you stuff? Or emailing?" "He calls me three and four times a day and mails me bond offerings I'm not interested in! Now I don't know how old he is but he needs to GROW UP! Never in my 40 years of investing have I ever come across someone like him! Now I want him to stop." "Ok ill tell him" "tell him I'm calling the NYSE on him if he doesn't. Its harassment" "ok no problem! Will do!" "I mean, my son would be interested in the bonds he is offering but I would never refer him because he harasses people!"
Hmmm.... Sound familiar? Harassment, immature...
So I sent him an email with her message and an hour later he sends a request to management that I be denied access to all his accounts. Really? So that was my fault too? He is a spiteful child. Wow. He makes me sick.
Really.

he never ceases to amaze me with his immaturity

So I spoke to the genetic counsellor today. She said the amniotic fluid test is 99.9% positive for the downs syndrome test. So I'll be taking that test on june 9th when I find out the sex of the baby. Its ok either way. Children with downs syndrome are the sweetest kids around. My only worry is that the douchebag will definitely not want anything to do with the kid. And he'll say "see!! I told you to abort!" But I don't know anything yet anyway. So no use worrying about tomorrow right?
But yesterday I emailed him this: I know you have no interest in talking to me but please answer this question. Its important and time sensative. Does anyone in your family including cousins etc, have downs syndrome? Maybe one day you can grow up and give me your medical family history since every time the dr's ask me I have to say "I don't know. He refuses to speak to me" but please answer this question its important.
You know that mither fucker didn't answer? So I sent another email at 930pm saying quite a bit more and telling him how I felt about how it really upsets me that he blames me for EVERYTHING and refuses to take any responsibility and has hurt me more than he knows, and rejected me, tormented me, and has completely abandoned me etc. Again I asked for an answer to my question and what does he say?? NOTHING!! NO RESPONSE! What a child! A loser! A fuckin asshole pathetic excuse for a man! I guess this is his way of proving he wants nothing to do with the baby! WHATEVER! FUCK HIM!
I'm really ready for someone to send his wife all the shit I wrote and he wrote to me. I hate him.

new worries

So the douche bag is right in the same building as me and I can't even talk to him about my disturbing news from the doctor. I spoke to the genetic counselor this morning who said my baby may have downs syndrome. Should be 1 in 400, but this is 1 in 5 chance. Everyone said "don't worry about that they tell that to everyone! And then their babies are fine!" But then I went to see my gynecologist and he said he was very concerned about it based on the numbers. He said don't worry about the 1 in 5 bc some patient was told 1 in 2 chance of having an unhealthy baby but her baby was perfectly normal. But he was more concerned based on the numbers. He asked if it runs in my family at all and if it runs in his. I said no. And as for him I don't think so. I'm gonna have to ask the asshole but he doesn't talk to me.
So my choices are: do I take the amniotic fluid test to get an answer that is only 85% true? Or do I just wait it out? Even if they say yes, I would never kill my baby.
It makes me sad though that he has completely abandoned me and I can't even go to him about this. The burden is all on me. But I did know that once he said he didn't wanna be involved.
Also I asked my dr about the whole due date and conception date. He said the conception date is still the same, he goes by the first day of the period and not to worry about all that. And also, judging by the fact that he was 45 at conception and is jewish he thinks that's also why my numbers are what they are. So I just have a new problem to worry about. I will text him and ask him if downs syndrome runs in his family anywhere nd I'll let you know.
(Sigh) never ends...

heart-broken

I can't get that stupid text out of my head. The one he sent saturday night that I "singlehandely managed to destroy his life." Not only do I feel guilt that I shouldn't, but I really loved him and still do. And all I wanted to do was be with him with all his baggage and take care of him. I was crazy about him. And he was crazy about me. I still worry about him and feel bad for him and I get depressed over it. I know I shouldn't but what if there is a chance the baby isn't even his? What if it really was that idiots? Then I couldn't live with myself. I'm a little nervous about that. Imagine I destroyed his life on somethin not even true? Although it IS true he slept with me. And that truth came out. Good! Fuck him. But ugh... I think too much I guess. And I think too much about HIM. It sucks. And what makes this worse is he is not moving to the other olocation til next monday. Which will also make me very sad to not see him. I just really miss working for him. I did so much for him and I actually enjoyed it. Now I sit and stare at the wall. And blog! I just really really miss him and our elationship. Now he just hates me! Its heart breaking.
Anyway thanks for the responses before. Much appreciated. :)

he gets more hateful by the day

9:30pm saturday night I get this text from him:
You have single handedly managed to destroy my life

Ok. 1. HIS fault for turning to anger nd hatred instead of being supportive and try to work this out peacefully. Also his fault if he ruined HIS life. I had 3 years to go until I could do anything I wanted to in life. Nothing holding me back. Now I have to start ALL over while I continue to struggle.
2. I did nothing on purpose and never in a million years wanted to hurt him or "destroy" him
3. Single handedly? That implies that this was all me and I did everything myself. He didn't have sex with me? Without a condom?
4. Something must have happened tonight. Or this weekend. I wonder what it was. And if his wife was so supportive, would his life be destroyed? Probably not.

Meanwhile I pulled my back out and I am not only in the most pain I've ever felt, but I am completely imobilized. I can't turn over, I cannot lean forward, sideways, up or down. I scream in pain if I try to roll over in bed or get out of bed. I need a bed of ice for my back. Its the only relief I get. And guess what. Can't take any pain killers!

And this precious little baby lives inside me in peace. I pray he changes when he sees this baby. Especially if its his son. Does anyone agree that if he has a son it may change him? He has 2 girls. But a son to a father I think is a big deal. And more so in the jewish religion. Maybe this precious gift will be the only thing that could desipate his anger and hatred.