the moment i wish for everyone on earth...

I truly wonder if other people get to experience this. I really hope so, and if not, I hope they do at some point in their life.

There's this moment when mm will look at me, and something happens. Our eyes meet, and within seconds this magic happens. I feel this surge of energy rush through my body. Like electricity, or lightning, travelling through my veins. My heart starts to pump faster, my stomach gets butterflies. His energy transfers into me and mine into him.

His smile brings warmth to my body and any stress lifts off of me. His lips touch mine, and the energy rushes through me. My entire being melts. The world disappears. I'm in another dimension. My thoughts flee, my will and strength submits to this uncontrollable love I feel between us. I'm all his. At that moment, I don't have a care or worry in the world.

He kisses me and all his love transfers to my soul, and I have no doubts he is in love with me. Our spirits and souls are one. This moment... This is where I hold back tears. I am so sensitive to every dimension, my body loses control and the emotion and overwhelming sensations take over me. I hold back my tears. I am so happy, so electrified. At this moment I feel alive. I feel lucky. Blessed. Special.

And its a moment only created when he is with me. No one else. Its a feeling neither of us can fight. We can be SO mad at each other and this spark happens when we look at each other, and we succumb to it.

I hate when he tries to fight it. He's trying to be a good husband I know but he can't fight it. And I love that in that moment he can forget about his worries and fears. He is every bit as lost in me as I am in him. It makes me so happy to know he can be that happy too.

And in that moment, he is mine. All mine. We have no lives outside of us. We are in our own world. The place our souls long to be every day. I can't even describe it well enough in words. Its powerful! Its so strong, so incredible.


That moment... That's what I wonder if other people have.

God do I love him. I really really love him.

Thank you all for your responses by the way. I've been really down in the dumps and I'm sure its not fun to read. Talk about a roller coaster ride!

Anyway the muffin man is away and still managed to bbm me for three hours straight. Amazing. We got in a fight which all started from me complaining. Then made up. I can't get enough of him and I love him. I'm still sorting things out. Saw a psychic. She was absolutely amazing. I have a follow up meeting with her this weekend and will blog about that.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas! I got myself a laptop so I can finally comment on peoples blogs including my own!!! I wish you all joy and peace, god knows that's what I need!

prophetic dream

I cannot believe this incredible dream I had last night. Since I have been living in total regret about the abortion knowing I killed my son, I have been in misery. Last night I had a dream that I was travelling very far in rain, on bike, seemed to be a struggle to get where I needed to go. And I finally got to what looked like a hospital and my whole family was there with me. I was going to see my son. I had seen a picture of him and he was chubby. So cute. I went into a room where a few other young women were to see their babies as well. A nurse who had been taking care of him, handed him to me wrapped in blankets.

I stared at him, smelled him, he recognized me as his mom. I was concerned he was neglected since I hadn't been there for him, but the nurse really loved him. I looked at him and said, I will call him Nathan. I remember the nurse going to take him and he started to cry and reached towards me. He knew I was his mommy.

But I had to let him go. :( it was horrible.

The most amazing part of this story is that I went to work today and did research on the name Nathan. Mind you, this is a name I would NEVER have picked for my son.But if I have another I will definitely name him Nathan. And call him Nate. The name means "gift from God" which is exactly what I knew he was and I LET EVERYONE PRESSURE ME TO KILL HIM!!!! I DIDNT WANT TO! And I will forever live in regret and fear of what I've done!

The history of this name: king david in the bible, named his third child he had with Bathsheba, Nathan! And who was bathsheba? The woman he commited adultery with.

I cannot believe I had that dream! I am in shock. And still, I wanna die. I was supposed to have that baby and I took matters into my own hands because I let idiots who thought they knew more than me, talk me into it. I failed.

still crying...

couldnt stop crying all day... i dont know what to do.  i am SO SO SO in love with him.  and i want to save myself from the dead end ahead but i still have this hope that i will get to be with him.  but in the meantime i am in so much pain as well as being so amazingly in love.  I dont know what to do.  i just dont know what to do.

why cant i have what i want? why?  i always do for everyone else and never for me. ive never had what i wanted ever! and the one thing i want, the one thing i want is to be with him. ive never wanted anyone or anything so badly in my life.  and i cant have him.

this is why i want to escape from this life and start over.  but i wonder if i would play the cards dealt to me the same exact way...

fantasy world

Ya know how they say "don't ever date a married man. They never leave their wife"?? Well I should have listened to that advice. Why do I put myself through this torture? I live in a fuckin fantasy world where in the end I get to be with my soul mate. Which I believe he is. But the reality is... He won't follow his heart or soul. He'll do what he thinks is the right thing to do. Why do I waste my life away? No wonder I have thoughts that I just wanna die! I live in pain every day! And the thing is, he'll pull me in to his loving arms and fantasy world again and ill be back to the beginning. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Waiting for my psychic's call back. I'll post what she says.
I just wanna cry...

My daughter's words

Tonight I was talking to my 13 year-old daughter about boys... She saw my phone and saw that I was bbm-ing (texting but instant messaging on a blackberry) with the muffin man. She knows I call him that so she said, "gee mom who are you talking to?  muffin man?" She knows we bbm every single day. "tell muffin man I said HIIIIIIII!" I said, "I thought you didnt like him."  "no mom I like him I just dont like the choices he makes." meaning she knows how he feels about me when he is married. then she had a heart to heart with me about him.

She said "mom i feel so bad for you.  It must be so sad to not be able to be with someone you are in love with." "yeah it is.  it hurts."  "mom, if he wasn't married, I think you two would be married already." "really? why is that?"  "because you two are just so perfect! There's just something so special about you two.  I dont know what it is, but there's something really special! I cant put words to it."

Then I thought to myself... my God how sad it is. If he wasn't married we would be perfect together. I love him from the depths of my soul. And he feels the same. No doubt.

Read my F-ed up thought to hear more of this...

unbelievable

Does anyone remember last week when I stated that I had this very strong feeling something was going to happen to ruin my birthday again? That it would snow, or something would happen with his family or mine, or SOMETHING would ruin my saturday night date with muffin man? Well guess what! There's a fuckin blizzard on its way!!! He thinks I'm clairvoyant because I absolutely knew something would happen. I'm so upset!!! He's going to florida for a week and a half!!! And I won't see him! I wanna cry!

the card

Today he couldn't have been more in love with me. I don't know what got into him but he was really different. His mood was very solemn and peaceful. He came over in the morning and said two unexpected things that really showed how much he loves me.

1. He told me my therapist that I have mentioned before he sees every wednesday, asked him if I had a good birthday, and he told her, "yeah she did. I tried to make it as special as I could for her"
Wow. Big deal! He was so locked up and afraid to express anything about me openly like that to her. It must be a relief for him. I love when he feels open and has his guard down
2. Right in the middle of discussing work with me, he blurts out, "yeah I do think I knew you in a past life" I again was shocked. "What? Really?" "Yeah I saw it in your eyes" ok wow! He calls that "mystical" when I discuss spiritual stuff with him and has a hard time believing it. But something happened that he saw what I see! I could not believe it. I told him I was shocked he was saying that and he said "yeah wow! First the card, then I said that, huh?" Uh... YEAH! WOW!!!??

Then later on I was in his office standing near him and he looked at my key necklace and fixed the chain so the clasp would be behind my neck. This surge of energy rushed through my body. I could feel it from him to me as it went through me. All of my insides. And that little gesture transferred all his feelings into my soul. Amazing. Do other people experience this? Its incredible. Then he said "I don't know what you did to me" I don't know either, but it makes me so thankful I have been hanging in through the tough times. His love is amazing.

And here is his card:

The best thing about you is the way you take everything that happens and just make it part of your big life adventure. Its so fun to watch you glide along through life with that great smile on your face...
Then he goes on to write how he thought of me immediately when reading that and how I am willing to take on and accept the consequences of my life experiences. (He knows I am willing to get hurt to experience such an amazing love. You can't experience the depth of love if you are scared to get hurt. It comes with the territory) He continues: from the bottom of my heart I can't thank you enough for taking this wild ride with me so far in all of its spectacularness, as well as its heartaches. Then he says how special I am to him and how he doesn't say it enough and the tough exterior is a cover up for his true feelings. And he signs it, I love you!!!!

His card was beautiful. His mood must have been because he took down the "tough exterior."

I truly am so in love with him. Even though there is so much heartache, I feel so lucky to have him. He is my best friend, lover, and I believe, soul mate.

my birthday

This morning I had finally picked out an outfit. I was wearing black pants and a cool purple v-neck low cut sweater that was short sleeved but came to my elbows. The material is soft almost as soft as cashmere. It wasn't really sexy but you could see my shape. I was ready to go when my phone buzzed with a message. It was an email notification that violet vamp commented on my blog. I read it, and it was the fourth comment telling me to go for the hot lunch sex. So I figured you all knew what you were talking about and quickly changed into my easy access dress and boots. Just in case I was in the mood.

So I got to work, had a really nice morning, everyone was very nice and wished me a happy birthday. My boss was extra nice and knew I was going out to lunch with muffin man so she let me take longer than an hour. We both were really sensitive today. My ex called me ad sang to me. Total shocker. I truly loved him deeply, and he actually made me cry. I miss someone making me feel so amazing every minute they talked to me. That's the one thing mm lacks. He needs to be more verbal. Anyway, his mother called him right as we were about to leave and discussed the condition of his father with him. So he was on the verge of tears, worrying about him and her, and I was wiping my tears. Great way to start lunch huh? Needless to say, we opted for food.

We went to the place we always go to. Poor thing was crying talking about his dad on the way there. Not wanting to ruin my day he tried to push it aside as to not upset me. But when we got to the table, I asked him where he wanted to sit, we both wanted the chair that faces your back to the room. But for two totally different reasons. I wanted to face him and see only him because I didn't care about anyone else and I didn't want to be distracted. HE, however, didn't want anyone he knew to see him because he can't hide his emotions with me. Boom! Right there the tears started. That is the most painful thing about being in this situation. I actually thought he wanted that seat for the same reason as me. Of course as you can imagine, he felt awful about that asinine move.

Well we got to talking, it was pretty heavy. He told me about his relationship with his dad, some bad things and some good. And we compared dads. I talked about my sister and brothers becoming alcoholics because of my dad's abuse... As I got tipsy on wine. Then we discussed what I wanted to do for my birthday this saturday. And then he gave me my card. I was shocked. I really expected him to be like last year and have nothing for me but this year he was so different. He gave me a card so perfect for me and wrote a page and a half! This is monumental for him. I will post his card tomorrow. Its getting late. But after I read it, I said it was the best card I ever got. I was really really happy. I mean, he really loves me. And he struggles on a daily basis. He's not a typical "cheater" who sought out some action on the side. He fell into this. Not that he was innocent but he was unprepared and blind sided when his feelings kicked in so quickly.

When we got in the car, he gave me my necklace I wanted the link to the picture of it is posted in the blog "the roller coaster rides" if you are interested in seeing it. I was really happy. I put it on and told him I will wear it every day. Its a key in the shape of a heart. He asked me later "is that supposed to represent th key to your heart?" "Absolutely!" I told him. He smiled.

I gave him a hug before I left. I never got to kiss him, I kissed him on the cheek in the car after I put my necklace on. I wreaked of wine and was kinda drunk when I got back to work. Oops! :) the rest of my birthday was great too. My daughter wrote me a beautiful card, and made me a special gift, and grandma and grandpa gave me beautiful gifts. And grandma and my daughter and I went out for dinner where my daughter made a point to tell me that all the guys were checking me out and talking about me as I walked by. Remember I did dress sexy today...

All in all it was a great day. He really made me feel special. And tonight, I reread that card, sober, and it was amazing. He poured his heart out. I truly love this man.

I need answers from readers!!!

Ok so if I didn't mention earlier, I have had this horrible feeling that SOMETHING was going to happen to ruin my birthday. Whether it be the weather, his family, SOMETHING. So I have been telling him this and he thinks I'm ridiculous and I am speaking it into existence.  He said he thinks my suspicions are wrong and not to worry. Still I couldnt shake the feeling.  So last night he sends me a text saying his father was just rushed to the hospital, thinks he may have had a stroke. Call me selfish but after worrying about him, the very next thought that immediately came to mind was: "I KNEW IT!"  Last year it was ruined, and this year it will be again.  I so wanted to just go out and spend an incredible night with him like i did the night we went to see Foreigner in concert. My favorite band btw...that was the most amazing night I've ever had with ANYONE! EVER!

All day he was sensitive, mopey, and worried about his dad.  i felt so helpless!  I didn't know what to do!  I didn't want him to worry about me and my birthday or my needs.  I wanted to be there for him but I get so nervous when he is upset.  He's the one who always listens to me, consoles me, hugs me, etc. I hate being in the other side, but I also love being able to be there for him when he is in need.

However... i had a serious problem today.  Last night I decided to reread Complicated Kitten's post called "dear santa." I was so horny I had to take care of myself before I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to a dream where I was fingering myself and making myself cum. I cannot do this in real life, I need the muffin man to do that for me. So sexually frustrating waking up to that. It wasn't until about 2:00pm that I got this wave of horniness that swept over me. I was SO horny out of nowhere that the inside of me was actually throbbing! It almost HURT inside me because my body was ACHING to be fucked. I actually let out a whimper that sounded like something I would do if MM was touching me! I love when he touches me.  I love when his hands run all over my body and his mouth kisses every part of me. That's when I know how much he loves me.  And I get ridiculously wet.  At the first kiss. But today I had no kiss.  No touching.  I was sitting in a cubicle soaking wet, moaning to myself! I had to go to the bathroom shortly there after and had to wipe myself three times to dry myself up. And about two minutes later, back at my desk, I was wet again.

I wanted to tell MM so badly but I was afraid to.  I had sent him a text asking if he could come over later tonight but he was a little annoyed at me for wanting an answer right away and seemed to be turned off that i would even dare ask him such a thing when his mind was elsewhere. So later on as I was literally in pain on the inside of me, I sent him a text asking if I could tell him something without him getting upset. He promised and I told. 
His genius answer was: "what am I supposed to do with that?"
My immediate answer: "well let's see.  there are two choices.  You either ignore me like usual, or you fuck me! what kind of question is that?"
He replied with: "well what can I do about it now? if you need it that badly, I can give it to you tomorrow during the day." how hot is that btw? (I'll give you what you need.)
"really????" i answered.

So here is my dilemma. What do I do? Should I go out for lunch as planned and spend quality time?  Or do I have hot passionate sex crammed in his car somewhere? What if I don't get to go out this coming Saturday night to go out for my birthday and this lunch is all I get?  We can have sex ANYTIME but a special date is rare. Even if it is only lunch.  We never get to do that. Or.... how exciting is that to have some crazy hot sex during the work day?  We haven't done that.  And it IS my birthday!  I need an orgasm! And seeing his is stressed he could use one too.

UGH! What do i do???  HELP!

Even his hug and kiss is amazing

Eh, today I dont have much to say about the muffin man. Other than the last time I saw him was Friday on my way out the door.  He came to give me a kiss and a hug goodbye.  The hug lasted a while.  It was a hug where he held me. It was like he wanted to soak up all the hurt and anger and thoughts in my head out of me and tale it on himself to relieve me of my pain. He is so loving that way.  The kiss... started out with his eyes that seemed to pour our rivers of colors that you can only see in the spiritual sense. His face had that look that said: My heart is yours. His smile said my love is strong and deep.  And as he kissed me, it was as if he wanted to translate AAALLLL that feeling in that one kiss.  Since that is impossible, he had to kiss me like 5, 6, 7 more times. We can kiss for a long time but we were still at work and didn't want anyone to see us. We were in a secluded spot but it's nerve wracking.

My birthday is in two days and I cannot wait to see what he does or says. I know he is taking me out to lunch as he always does.  It's fun.  it feels like a date.  We get to stare at each other for an hour. I love him. SO MUCH!

Where is my anonymous reader with the European guy? I need an update!!! And SA! How's the I love you coming along?

I now may hate the word "labels"

Here i sit crying with my heart in my throat... he asked me to do those fuckin labels for him again. I had to sit and print them out as i tried to get the image of that picture out of my head. I was angry, sad, hurt, and disgusted. He waited until after 5 to ask me to do that and while in HIS mind he was being sensitive to me about it, I was trying not to cry. He was supposed to come over today and didn't because we got in a fight over this.  I just didn't want to see him.  I told him "go home to your wife." And tomorrow is Hanukkah.  I will have barely any contact with him. He has ignored me the past two hours as I tried to explain over texting why the cards make me so upset.  I just copied and pasted the blog called "the holiday cards" and then the one called "french toast and salad" And as if I was the horrible one here... I get no response.  He won't even look at his phone.

What did I do here exactly? Get upset because I am completely in love with someone who has a wife? And feels the NEED to send a card out with a picture of them together? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT THAT! I can have feelings! He cant control them! I cant even control them! They are what they are! And they are strong!

And now I am sitting here crying because my my heart is torn. Tonight was supposed to be our time together and he had to go asking me for fuckin labels! The last time we were together was the blog "the best sex with muffin man... ever" That's the last time. Two weeks ago! I wanted another special time and I've waited a long time now...and it's ruined. I feel sick.

I hate this.

french toast and salad

Quick blog today about how sweet mm was today. Due to the horrible weather, roads were closed. I was running late and while sitting in traffic wondered if he would be taking the same road I take. He has a meeting every wednesday morning and brings breakfast to the office. Bagels, muffins, french toast... The french toast is so good. Its made from a thick loaf of italian bread. I keep syrup at my desk for wednesdays. I laugh to myself when he brings it in because I gave him the name muffin man long before he started to actually bring in muffins!
So I sent him a text to warn him of the road blocks and let him know I was going to be late. When he realized I wouldn't be there until at least 9:30, he sent me a text back saying my french toast was waiting for me.

I walked in and went to my desk to find a plate of french toast with a plate covering it on top waiting for me just like he said. He actually pulled them out of the bag to set aside before anyone took them. SO SWEET! He made me feel so loved.

Then for lunch, I told him I'd treat him to lunch and get me some soup and whatever he wanted for himself. I also said "if you make yourself something you think I'll like, make me that instead" So he came up with my soup, my money, and a little salad. The perfect size I like. With all the stuff I like. I couldn't believe he remembered little things I said I like! I know its something so little but it was a big deal to me.

He loves me. :)

And I am so in love with him!

The roller coaster rides...and the fuckin pictures!

So many things happen in one day, i cant even keep up with it to blog it all. but we got in... let's see... three arguments i think? but they arent that bad.  i mean we make up in like 10 minutes. unless its a really bad one.  but today's roller coaster ride was as follows:

• 9:15 i call him in the morning in a fluster because too much was going on at the time and i was stressing. he helped me through it and calmed me down as far as that project went, and i was in tears when he asked me what was wrong and i vented about the a-holes i work for
• 9:30 i offer to get him coffee from the cafe downstairs because i went for a bagel
• 10:35 the broker i did a job for that mm helped me with called me to tell me what a fantastic job i did and to say thank you.
• 10:40 i send mm a text message to thank him for helping me and told him what a great friend he is and for always being there for me
• 11:15 i send him another text saying how upset i was that the manager seemed to not care about me at all in a situation i need help with... moving my seat to a quieter place because i cant sit in a stressful seat when i have anxiety
• 12:00 he sends one back explaining how its not personal but its the job and how he thinks i take things the wrong way
• i tell him maybe i should leave this industry then because clearly i cant handle it according to all of them, i mean its changing my fuckin SEAT people!  not a big deal!
• 12:01 he sends me the sweetest message that reads: i never suggested that, i think you dont give yourself enough credit for being able to handle some of the craziness.  i think you can, and i'll continue to help you try and deal with it all.        how sweet was that???
• 12:05 i see him in the mail room while i am making copies.  i cant even remember what the heck we said but we got in a fight because i said "dont worry about me and my problems.  i will find someone else to talk to." i sincerely meant that as thinking of him and trying not to burden him but he clearly took it the wrong way because his response was "fuck you!" we argued and were MAD
  
• 12:15 i send him a text "how do you go from that sweet text to fuck you so quickly?"
• back and forth texting/arguing/communicating until 1:00 when i end it with i dont know what i'd do if i didnt have you here. he truly is my best friend.
• 1:00-4:00 cant even remember what happened... so many conversations... he notices my necklace which is keys. i got it from my ex and my ex has the 3rd key on his key chain. i had already told mm i want a key necklace from tiffany's which is why he brought it up. since my bday and christmas is coming up. he tried to find the picture i printed out for him but couldnt
• while i am in his office i go to his bookshelf for something only to find a picture of him and his wife he had but took down last year because i couldnt stomach it.  i left his office and when he said where are you going? i answered: to go throw up! the fuckin pictures! they make me SICK

(side note: my friend saw him and his wife two or three months back and said they seemed completely distant and there was no connection whatsoever... she was annoyed that he would continue to stay like that and then watched him as he was texting me)

• 4:00 i send him a link to tiffany with the picture of the necklace i want.  he calls me to discuss it. if you want to see the one i want here is the link: http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=24466833&mcat=148204&cid=573050&search_params=s+5-p+3-c+573050-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+ 
• 4:55 he comes over to help me figure out my medical deductions from my paycheck (again being a great friend that i love so much) 
• 4:56 i tried to fix his tie and he gets furious and jumps back and tells me not to touch him or something like that.  i get FURIOUS because every other guy in that place loves when i touch them! LOVES it! not this one!
• 5:00 i sign out refuse to talk to him say goodnight and walk away. he tells me to wait up so he can walk out with me but i told him i had to go to the bathroom. he doesnt wait. later i send him a text that reads: rude
• 5:10 we discuss the traffic as if nothing happens

i had to coach basketball and he had a meeting so we didnt talk much later tonight...

now tell me... is this a crazy relationship or what?  this is a typical day!  we do this every single day! and the more friction, the hotter we are for each other!  otherwise we would be bored.

opinions?

the holiday cards

Well well well... The happy train has left the station. Back to the reality that the love of my life is married.

Last year we were just beginning this relationship. Two months of love and excitement. I was starting to fall in love with him but still completely unaware of the level it would get to. It was the time of the year when the financial advisers were sending their holiday cards out. I was naive then and snuck a peek at his cards to find a heart wrenching sight. This picture of him, his wife, and two daughters. The perfect little happy family. So precious. And he was sending it to his clients! It was the first time my stomach turned and my heart felt like it was in my throat. I wanted to throw up. Literally. It was sickening.

Well... Fast forward. A year later. We have been through the worst times of our lives together, we are completely in love, and realized we can't live without each other. Last year I was working in a different department and it wasn't until february that I got my wish and became his assistant. Also naive to think it would be "fun" to work with someone you are in a relationship with!

As the season was approaching this year I told him "if you think you are sending those family christmas cards don't you even think that I will have any part of it!" "Of course not! I may not even do that this year." Whew! What a relief I wouldn't have to deal with that. So I asked him last friday, "who are you sending cards to so I can send them out?" (We send cards for birthdays on a website we have so I was planning on picking a card and sending them out) and he said these disgusting words: "I may send my card out to some of them so I'll let you know. But I'll do it myself so you don't even have to see it" "I better not see it!" "Okay!" "Its sickening!" "I understand"

Does he? Really? No I don't think so. Because if he did understand, he would never have asked me today to print labels for him to send the cards out! And then when I get upset and say sorry I didn't do it yet its not really my priority, say "its work related you can't get upset"

Don't you dare tell me to not be upset! He doesn't get what that means to me! You are still sending out a picture to all your friends family and clients saying "look at our happy perfect little family!" To me this means he has no intentions of fessing up to his wife his real feelings but will continue to go through the motions of a happy home. Its a lie! A big fat disgusting lie! And I will always be the secret no one can know about. It hurts so bad it makes my stomach turn!

I am the type of person who needs to tell someone I'm upset right away because if I don't, it will eat at me and fester and I will blow up at them for everything else! So I called him on my way home to tell him how upset it made me and I was crying. He said he was sorry but I still don't think he gets just how bad that makes me feel. And how SICKENING it is to me!

Very upsetting...

Then I told him "sorry" doesn't make me feel better! You can't think of a single thing that you could say that would make me feel better?

All he has to say is how he feels about me! Something to make me feel secure in how he feels about me! How I'm in his heart, how he thinks of me all the time, how he's in love with me, the reason why he feels it so necessary to send that card out, how he plans to make me feel special on my birthday... ANYTHING! But all I got was "sorry" it was heartfelt and made me feel like he did care but he just doesn't get it. Just doesn't get it.

Sickening.

this blog is for my anonymous reader "SA"

The evolution of Muffin Man telling me "I love you"

Last year, around this time my birthday was coming up. (Dec 15) I made plans to go to the city with the man i was falling in love with. I planned to go to the east village to see a psychic and go to a hookah lounge where we could cuddle up, smoke the hookah, eat food i like, and dance as the night went on. So the night we were supposed to go, there was a snow storm. I was so upset. Had it not been so bad, we would have went anyway. When I called the psychic to tell her I wouldn't be there she said ok but that she felt i really needed a word from her before the year was over. I felt a stirring inside me and I truly believed she had something for me.

So about a week later I went on a Saturday by myself.  She immediately picked up on muffin man. She said I see you are in a relationship. I see a half marriage.  He is in a marriage but his heart is not in it. She went on to say "has he ever told you he loves you?" i said no.  She continued, "he really loves you but he's afraid to say it.  this is all new to him." So that was confirmation he loved me which i kind of knew.

Side note: she also confirmed my suspicions that i knew him in a past life.  she said we were lovers in a past life and it was the same situation.  he was married and we were passionate lovers but were never able to be together so we came into this life to be together.  (Clearly he did not wait for me.)  She said times were different then in the 1800's that he couldn't leave his wife then but now he can.  and will.  eventually. i had had my own experiences with recognizing past lives and i knew i lived in the 1800's and i also knew i knew his soul from another time.  its very bizarre but i can see his soul in his eyes.

So back to the "i love you's." I knew he loved me and I knew i loved him.  But I didnt tell him this until months later. In April 2009 I wrote him a poem. I have written and given him numerous letters and notes telling him how I feel about him but I never said "I love you" Until this poem:

Your eyes, like the waters,

bring depth to your soul

They breathe life to my being,

almost making me whole.

Your smell is intoxicating

like a potion I'd drink

All logic is forgotten

I can no longer think.

Your lips on my neck

your breath on my face

the sense of security

found in your embrace

Mysteries of your past

deep within where they hide

glimpses of memories

unveiled in your eyes

You're all I imagine

All that I crave

Everything I've accepted

every part that you gave

Sometimes I wish

I could try to forget

but nothing I've done

will I ever regret

I gave you my heart

no questions asked

Unable to predict

how long this would last

Consciously knowing

the risk of it all

willing to take

that unbreakable fall

Often looking away

unable to rest

wondering how you fell
into this irresistible mess

feelings are deep

the connection is strong

Why did this happen?

Was it right?
     Was it wrong?

The world around us

seems to fall away

as your lips touch mine

God, I wish you would stay!

Always saying goodbye

never enough time

It HURTS when you leave me!

Why cant you be mine?

If I never have you,

before this lifetime is through

Please always remember

I truly did love you.

I remember when I gave that to him he told me he cried. And that no one had ever done something like that for him and how special it was. I wanted him to know how deep and serious I was about us. That was the FIRST time I told him I loved him.

The next time I think i sent a text message that read I <3 U.  and he asked me about it later and I said "yeah no big deal, I say that to everyone! Had I actually written the word love out, maybe it would be more serious." As time went one the <3's turned into "love."  When we would get in fights I would say stuff like "well I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me" or when we would have serious conversations I would say stuff like "I am in love with you and you don't want me" stupid stuff like that. After that, I just started saying I love you all the time. He still hadn't said it.

The first time he said it was a BIG deal. September this year. I was at work and I had just found out that someone at work told my MANAGER that i was pregnant with his baby! I was flipping out.  He was so upset he left the office for the day. I went in  a conference room where I spoke to him on my cell phone and we were both freaking out trying to come up with a plan to fix this disaster!  the worst part was it was true! I really was pregnant with his baby! As we spoke we vowed to be there for each other and help each other through this.  Before he got off the phone he said, and I quote exactly because I will never forget the first time he said it: "I can't believe I'm gonna say this but I love you!"

The next time he said it, we were fighting over having this abortion.  It was the darkest time of my life. I told him I didn't want to be with him because he made me do something I didn't want to do because he refuses to leave his wife. So I was done with him. He said he loved me but having the baby would destroy too many lives at this point. He reassured me through these text fights that he loved me and believed we were meant to be together but his situation forces him not to be able to be with me.

It was not until a few weeks ago that he finally started to open up.  He had his walls up and I was feeling rejected, and we were fighting. I told him he HAS to meet me halfway or just leave me alone to move on to find someone else.  Then he tells me: "I like fighting with you.  its weird but it makes me hot for you." I said "are you serious?" in an exasperated way because I thought we were done.   
As usual... he cant live without me so he chose to do everything he can to keep me, including meeting me halfway like i said. He knows what I need from him.  I told him many times: "i need you to tell me how you feel about me and reassure me every day!" and if he cant give all of that, meet me halfway!

So a day or so after that, we were in our usual playful banter also known as flirting and apparently FOREPLAY and I asked him to do something work related.  I cant remember what it was exactly but he said "ok but admit you are wrong (about whatever argument we had earlier.)"  My clever response was, "sure! no problem! as soon as you admit you are completely in love with me!" His answer: "Haven't I told you that?" "uh, no! you have told me you love me maybe TWO times! and never to my face!" He writes back "I love you I love you I love you!  there! now its 5 times" my response: "that's great!  But I said to admit you are IN LOVE WITH ME" "isn't that the same thing?" "NO! you tell your mom, your daughters, etc, you love them.  you cannot say I am in love with you to any of them!""Okay, I am in love with you!" And there it was.  The first admission of his true feelings.

The first time he said it to my face was almost 2 weeks ago. I was crying in my car after work because of the abundant stress in my life and he was standing there listening to me for a half an hour cry and complain about the haunting memories that have destroyed me and the pressure at work. He was, and is my best friend. And when I felt better and released it to him, he reassured me at the end and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you!" and I said "thank you! I love you too!" And when I said thank you I meant that from the depths of my soul.  That was a very big deal for him. He was always afraid to say it but he put me first instead of him and gave himself to me in just those three words.

The last post I wrote was the last time he said it to me. And my birthday is coming up.  He never took me to the city or made up for my ruined birthday.  And this year he is supposed to take me out. I think I'm gonna go see a psychic aagain and see what they have to say.  He and I have come a loooong way in a year and a half.  And i want to go deeper and deeper and be with the one I believe to be my soul mate.

i wonder what we look like from the outside

So it was Thursday. 4:30ish i think. i work until 5 but i had had it. I was done with the non-stop busy day of hectic work with these financial advisers.  i went in to my safe haven.  muffin man's office.  going in there is an escape. the harsh atmosphere disappears when i go in there.  and he is so sweet, so  loving, compassionate, funny, understanding, entertaining...

i decided i was done working and i wanted to spend some time with my best friend and the man i am so completely in love with. I sat in one of the chairs i sit in when i go in there and just breathed in his smell and the peace I find in his office. inhale peace, exhale stress. after a short while in there, one of my favorite brokers came in. he joined our conversation and inevitably turned it into a sexual content.  he has told me that he thinks muffin man and i are sleeping together and have a relationship but he isn't sure.  i neither admit nor deny this.  he showed us a video of some amateur porn pictures of young girls. they were ok, but nothing that got us really hot. not the point of this story though.

the point is... when i walked over and stood looking over mm's shoulder as he scanned through the pictures, our other friend stood and watched us.  then he said, "wow. i totally see it! you two make such a good couple." we smiled, and i think mm asked why.  i cant remember exactly what his response was but this is not the first time he has said it to us.

i often wonder what we must look like from the outside.  i know when i am with mm i can feel the chemistry between us like fire! and i can see his love for me pour out of his eyes. we flirt, joke, defend each other, laugh every day, fight, etc.  it has to be obvious to everyone else around us but the best part about that is they dont care.  they find interest in it, but they really dont care. in fact, i hear many comments that people would like to see us end up together. so do i.    )-`: so sad.

and that night we didnt leave the office until after 6. we walked out together talking. i got annoyed at him about something, stormed off to my car and said "see ya!" and before i could drive away, he pulled up next to me. we talked... and the last words out his mouth were: i love you.  this is such a huge step for him. i was shocked.  he just got comfortable texting it.  to say it to my face is a whole other level. i replied: WOW! I love you too! though i REEEEALLY, REEEEALLY love you!"  and he said, "I'm not ready to say the really really's yet but..." i laughed. we drove home and the entire way home i had butterflies. I was in another world.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO in love with this man! SOOOOOOOO in love! I'm just the verbal one in the relationship. and the fact he said that to me is HUGE. i feel so happy though. I've been having such a hard time with work and my past and my anxiety... it amazes me that this man can make me happy through all of this.

He's there for me in good times and in bad...

when he puts walls up, he sees me suffering and puts them back down. he loves me so much. i need to be with him.  and i will frickin wait as long as i can for him. or until i cant wait any longer and say bye-bye.

Best Sex with Muffin Man... ever

Haven't been on in a while. it gets annoying typing on tiny keys on a blackberry since i do not have a computer at home.  Don't have much time so i'll get to the story...

Last week I wanted to see my muffin man before Thanksgiving, because we would not be able to be together for a much too long weekend. So he came over Wednesday night.  I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my daughter's boyfriend's mother what I was doing so she could make sure my daughter wouldnt ask her for a ride home! but she was nice.

After he spent some time with his family and i spent time with mine, we met at my house somewhere between 8 and 9. he came in, so cute as usual, and i said "alright well, we dont have much time here." so he came and straddled me on my couch which lasts all of two minutes at the most until i assume the dominating role.  i know what i want and I know what I like and i make it happen.

His kisses are so electrifying.  he makes me hot and wet within a split second. Its not only  the chemistry, its deep, true love that make sit so passionate. I just love to feel his naked body against mine and the smell of his skin is so amazing its like a potion that mesmerizes me and takes me away with him to another place.

I was on top of him for a while but when he got on top i put my legs over his shoulders and he just fucked the shit out of me.  didnt let up.  i had an amazing orgasm to the point where i started shaking and convulsing and then i uncontrollably started to cry. this has happened to me before... but only a few times. and when that happens i truly am in ecstasy. poor thing didnt know what to do! it was amazing! just amazing.

and every time it gets better and better and better!  we break up, we make love and its amazing.  we are happy and excited, we make love and its even better.  we fight, make up, make love, its incredible!  doesnt matter the mood it just gets better and better everytime! and he is finally starting to open up and ADMIT how in love he is! the best love.... with the greatest obstacle.  a family that isnt even a UNhappy home.

come away with me

How can I stand here
And look at you,
Without being ignited?
This fire inside me
Will never die
Can you tell me
Love isn't more real than this?

One look in your eyes
And time stands still
The smell of your skin
Takes my breath away
My heart beats violently
Inside of my chest
I cannot contain
This wealth of emotions!

So I ask you now,
I beg you please

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

You without me
Seems so foreign now
Emptiness fills your soul,
You need me like I need you.
The love you have for me
Knows no end
It extends further and further
To deeper dimensions.

My soul cries out
From deep within
Come be with me!
Where beginning meets its end.
The day will come
When u make the fatal choice
You'll be with me,
Or lose my soul forever.

So I ask you now
I beg you please,

Come away with me
Come deeper with me
Come drown in our love
And never look back!
You're all I want,
You're what I need,
You make me wanna be me!

so much love to give...but its to the wrong people

So I spoke to my therapist. We spoke about muffin man, and my deep rooted issues. She told me how he was feeling. Btw, they know each other. They are in a networking group together and he sees her every wednesday. I told him she showed me how he feels about me. And she told me that she shared with him that as exhausting as it is that I need him and asked him to be there for me through all of this. And when I told him, this was his response...

Muffin Man: You have no idea how hard is to be able to be your support system from afar (if you know what I mean).

Muffin Man: Not that I'm not willing to continue being supportive, but you also need to find other support systems in addition. It's a lot of pressure on me when it feels like I'm the only one you can lean on. I hope you don't take these comments the wrong way. I do care.

Needless to say we got in a fight because all he needed to say was I'm here for you. My therapist already told me that its a lot for him!!! He did not need to add that and make me feel rejected some more. Then he said he can't confide anything to me and I said have a nice life...etc... Awful.

And today I am trying to ignore him and not contact him at all but he is the closest person to me and I now feel so alone. I feel so bad if you read my f-ed up thought you'll see just how awful I feel.

I have all this love to give and I give it to the wrong people.

something interesting happened today

Something very interesting happened today. Since I've been rejected by my lover for a couple weeks now, I was getting very frustrated. And I'm a 31 year old sexual girl! I want to have sex! Sometimes my ovaries actually HURT because I need to have sex. And sometimes I am so stressed it releases all the tension.I have to remind muffin man I am not a 40 something year old soccer mom who doesn't care about sex!
So needless to say I've been practically begging him to come over and fuck me and he keeps declining. I told him I have other options and if he wants to push me away, then fine. I gave him a last chance and he rejected it.
So... A friend of mine whom I had been sleeping with for months at a time over the last few years is celebrating his birthday. For the last year he has been asking me to meet him on lunch break for a quickie. I denied him every time because I am in love with mm and don't want anyone else touching me. Until today. The plan was I meet him on lunch break. He was gonna do something mm NEVER does which is go down on me! if we did tit for tat, he owes me like 100 times! Not that he's that selfish of a lover he claims he doesn't like to do it. It makes me feel unattractive to say the least but I think he has no idea what to do! I mean how dare him?

Anyway... As I woke up this morning, I thought, oh god I don't wanna be with him! I don't want anyone right now other than the love of my life. I actually prayed to god this morning and said "god, please give me a way out of this. Send him far away on jobs where he has no time to get back my way. You promised you'd make a way of escape if we need one so please do this for me."

So I dressed pretty damn sexy for the office. I got stared at by EVERYONE. Very uncomfortable! I sent the bday boy probably about 5-6 text messages and because I needed to plan a lunch break. And I never got a single response! Not one! I have no idea what happened nor do I really care but wow. Very interesting. And when I saw my mm today I go tears in my eyes when I saw the love he has for me in his eyes. I told him today, "oh my god I love you so much I wish I could make it stop!"
I just can't turn this shit off!!

Now I'm all dressed sexy for no one. The mm had meetings all day out of the office. Such is life.

Today, I am satisfied

Surprisingly, I have had to work with muffin man the last week and we have gotten along so well.   The sales assistant i worked with got fired THANK GOD because she was just CRAZY but I have been overloaded with work.  Nine brokers to help. I work non-stop, no break, and run around like a nut.  It's a little overwhelming but the best part is, i am so busy I have no time to dwell on losing him.  Because I really have not lost him.  He loves me.  I can see it in his eyes how much he loves me even when he doesn't want to admit it. And all those little things he does for me?  NOT UNNOTICED! He has my heart and I have his.  I think he needs time to breathe.  Come up for air as I say, as he has been drowning in love.

My goal is to help him build his business so we can work together and be successful.  We make a great team in my opinion, because we care so much about each other... we constantly look out for each other and help each other. I intend to stay in his life for a while.

Today I took a breather in his office and after standing there doing nothing and saying nothing for a few minutes he gently asked "what do you want?" with that little smirk on his face, knowing I just want to be near him.  And I responded "What do I want?  I want you to want me!"

Silence.

Yet Peace.

He asked me another question "what are you looking for?" as i rummaged through his papers...I answered "dunno!" and every question after that?  "dunno!" Last night he read the last post and all the posts and yet had nothing to say... he commented on the fortune cookie blog, and when i asked "is it weird to see someone write about you like that?" his big answer was "dunno"  so guess what?  i gave it right back to him.

At least we can laugh about this very serious issue on our hands. I felt peace... I can't worry if I'll be with him or not.  I love him, he loves me, and I feel good about it. Yes I want him more, yes I want him to be my boyfriend like a real boyfriend, but today I am satisfied.

And did I mention??? I LOVE HIM!!!!

i dont know what to do

I am so heartbroken. I love him from the very depths of my soul. I imagine kissing him, I yearn to be with him, even just to be in his presence. When he is near me I lose my breath. My thoughts erase when he looks in my eyes. His kisses sooth my wounded soul, when he holds my hand I feel secure, and when he is inside me I feel complete. He is everything I love in a man. He's sweet compassionate, he defends me, looks out for me, protects me, makes me laugh every day, he teaches me and guides me, he listens to me, he gives all he can, and makes me feel kike the most important person in the world.

Then there's his other life. Where he does the same for them. He's a damn good guy. And I just don't know what to do! Its too much for him and I know he is completely in love with me and doesn't want to lose me yet he is weighed down by having the double life.

What do I do? Should I move on? I try to but a moment without him in my life and I feel like I can't breath. I can't eat I can't move. I'm lost. but maybe I should force myself to go through it to better his life. I said I'd do anything for him so maybe I should move on for his sake?

I am desperate for his affection and lost without his love. He has me so deep. I truly truly love him. I want to be with him so badly but this pain is getting in our way!!

I can't keep crying over this man. He is wonderful and amazing. And love isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel. So sad. I love you muffin man. I really really do.

what am i supposed to do with this?

I asked muffin man to tell me how he feels about me more often so when he can't be with me I never have to feel insecure. I have copied and pasted his response:

C, the issue here isn't that I don't care for you, which I hope you know I do, but the fact is my situation doesn't allow me to fully show you, either by more frequent intimate moments, or by being more 'available' to you as you need. Believe me, I hate disappointing you as I always seem to do, but the situation only gets harder and harder for me, and weighs more heavily on me on each passing day. And by saying this, I don't want to give the impression that you're a nuisance or a bother. It's just hard for me. I'm sorry that it is, but you want honesty and communication from me. And I realize I was able to be more frequent with our intimate moments earlier in this relationship, but it has gotten harder and harder for me as the time has passed. And I think you deserve more from a relationship than I've been giving you. I realize that, and it weighs on my mind ALL THE TIME how inadequate I've been as a boyfriend to you. I don't like feeling like a failure to you like that. Very frustrating. You have to know that it's not that I don't want to be with you, but more of because I can't, at least not the way I want, and, most certainly, not the way you want.

So... Basically he acts like his marriage is a prison that he can't escape. He truly loves me but chooses to stay in his "situation"

What am I supposed to do with that??? Very hurtful.

just a memory

Today was my ex boyfriend's birthday. Its funny how the one person all my exes eagerly wait to wish them a happy birthday is me. They all told me I made them feel so special. It starts to make them feel uncomfortable at some point, and when they don't have me anymore, they miss me like crazy and think of me every day! They call me out of the blue to say how they think of me every day and how much they loved me. Are you kidding me? These are the men who chose not to be with me!

Here's their brief history. Dave who's parents made him choose either me or them, a cutie from georgia who couldn't handle new yorkers, jeff who is twice my age and wanted to spare me heartache, and now my muffin man who is attempting to distance himself. All I ever am is a memory. The memory that haunts them every day.

Today was jeffs birthday. He said he turned his phone on and was hoping and wishing the phone would beep with the signal he had a voice mail. And when he didn't, his heart sank. But I called him at 1. He truly truly loved me. Just like my muffin man. The only difference was he was more vocal and not afraid to tell me how much he loved me. We used to have the most romantic dinners. For my 29th bday he bought me 2 ridiculously expensive watches, perfume, gift cards, a bed! I was sleeping on a futon and he bought me the best bed. Took me to little italy where we sat way back in a corner and stared at each other. I leaned over to kiss him and my boob hit my glass of red wine. Spilled all over his brand new shirt! He wasn't even mad.
My 30th, he took me to this restaurant I've always wanted to go to but couldn't afford to and even brought two friends of ours. One was the waitress we requested every time we went for brunch. We ate like kings and queens in the best seat there! One of the best nights and definitely the best birthday I ever had.
I truly loved him. And he broke my heart. And again I am just a memory. I am the girl they wish they could be with but "can't." So heartbreaking.
I would do anything to be with my muffin man but my fear is that ill just be another memory to him just like I am to all the other men who still think of me, its just not fair.

Its really not fair.

Well, happy 60th jeffy! I truly loved you and miss you.

it just doesnt go away

"The flame just doesn't go away" these were the words spoken by my lover Thursday night. Let me fill you in on the past week and a half. In my last past I was already mad at him about something, can't remember exactly what. I told him "I feel anger building up inside me. I really need to talk to you" and for over a week of this, he either gave me excuses, or just flat out ignored me! You can tell how upset I was in the last blog. But the confusing part was that through all this he was still doing these really sweet things for me! Buying me coffee, saving cookies for me in the lunch meetings, doing thoughtful sweet things he usually doesn't do. And I know him well enough to know that is not what he does if he feels guilty but that is his way of showing me he loves me and cares about me. So this confused me! I was feeling completely rejected yet I knew he cared.

My anger was internalized for so long that it was really taking a toll on me. My face was broken out, my anxiety was making me shake and I couldn't sit still, and I was crying at my desk at work! Someone would say something that normally wouldn't get to me, but by thursday I had to go to the bathroom and let my cry out in private!

Now I had finally gotten him to come over and talk to me with the choice of thursday or friday, and he chose friday. Finally when he saw the shape I was in, he asked me if I wanted to see him thursday instead of friday and I said yes. I was so thankful he was being sensitive to me.

So he comes over, and I finally got to ask what I needed to hear for two weeks.

"Who am I to you?"

I needed to know! Am I your girlfriend? Your part time lover? Your assistant you fuck when you feel like? Your friend with benefits?

He was making me feel like I was nothing to him. Nothing more than his assistant he bangs when he feels like. NOT TRUE. He reminded me that in the past year he has put walls up like this MANY times-every time he falls deep...

Or in my words, When he is drowning in love, he freaks out and comes up for air...

He explained to me that he opens himself up, falls deeper and deeper, and then flips out because he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to handle this. So as the vicious cycle goes, he puts up walls, I feel rejected, I get depressed and angry, we fight, we make up, we make love, and we fall deeper. It scares him. I can understand why, but the only thing that scares me is losing him. I am so so so in love with him.

So after our talk and my crying my eyes out, I gave him a hug and a kiss. Our kiss breaks down that wall in a split second. When his lips just touch my lips, there is passion and love pouring out of our souls. And he ended up kissing me all over. He asked me if I knew that he expresses his love for me when he's physical and I said "oh yeah, I can always tell!" I felt so loved. Every feeling of rejection and doubt was wiped away with each kiss he gave me. And as he kissed me he said "The flame just doesn't go away" "I know!" I said, "You are trying to turn off something that can't be turned off! Its impossible!" "So what do we do? We always end up right back here" "don't fight it!"

He keeps trying to fight it! You love me so just follow your heart and be with me for gods sake! Ok so you can't be with me right now but you can think about how to be with me eventually, no?

I truly believe with all my heart that he was my lover in a past life. I was taught that past lives are non-existent and "not of god" but I know I knew him and it was confirmed to me MANY times by different psychics. I will post more on that in another post but supposedly we were lovers hundreds of years ago. Imagine we have loved each other for hundreds of years. Passionate lovers meant to be together. You cannot shut that down! Cannot! How could you? And why would I want to?

I am so in love. So madly and deeply in love. I have drowned. And I don't want to be saved. I want to stay right here. With him! I love him so much that I can't even express it enough! Not in words or actions! It almost hurts me physically! Its like I have to get it out and can't!

Uuuuuugh!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

so over it

I'm really getting sick and tired of this shit. He ignores me at work and accuses me of distracting him, which is fine, I understand u need to stay focused, but why can't he take me downstairs with him when he goes to get lunch? You can't talk to me for 5 fucking minutes? Are you too focused then? NO! Its just an excuse. He's full of them!! Bullshit excuses and lies. Ok so you don't wanna talk to me at work, how about after work? Oh yes that's right you can't talk to me then either, too busy. Weekends? Nope too busy! Well fuck you! If you aren't interested leave me alone!
But he never does! This is the bullshit he does. He gives just enough to keep me swooning, yet never enough to actually commit to anything. And when confronted, its another excuse. I'm so sick of it! Its nowhere near a 50/50 relationship. Its 80/20. I get the leftovers like I said. Not interested anymore. Just not interested. I can't keep pulling him, and drawing from him, and begging, and pleading... He's not worth it and I don't deserve it.
He not only rejects me, he insults my intelligence and adds insult to injury with his excuses. Ugh... So over it. Screw him.

the fortune cookies

Yesterday there was a lunch meeting and they had Chinese food. So after it was over I ran in to get some fruit and fortune cookies. I definitely believe in fate, and sometimes I wonder if the cookie I take contains a fortune destined for me.  Who knows. But I do play the game where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune, just to make things fun. I thought everyone knew this game but shockingly, no one at work knew about it! I have now taught them all my silly game.

As I was walking in to the room, my muffin man just happened to be walking in behind me to do the exact same thing.  Get some fortunes.  He's the annoying type that cracks the cookie open, dumps it in the garbage, and just reads the fortune.  I think it says something about a person who does that. Those seem to be the people who are not the most generous people in life. They just want what's in it for them, ya know?

We both reached for cookies at the same time.  He opened his cookie, dumped it in the garbage and went right for the fortune.   Judging by his reaction, I knew he had a good one.

"What does it say?" I asked him.

"No way. I'm not telling you."

"Why?? Tell me!"

"No," he said, still shaking his head, "you'll have a comment about it"

I was sincere when i promised him I wouldn't make a comment, but the thought that I may snicker came across my mind.

"And don't make a face either!" He knows me well.

"Okay I promise I won't say or do anything! Just tell me!"

In the meantime, I opened my own fortune.

"HA!" I exclaimed.  "So true!"

Before he could ask what mine said I read it aloud.

YOUR LOVE IS SPECIAL. WHY NOT SHARE IT. ....in bed.

We both started laughing. "It IS," I said, and I most certainly DO!"

I love moments like that when he and I stop and picture ourselves in bed at the same time. For that brief moment in time, we have escaped to "our happy place" and it brings a smile to both our faces.

"Okay now tell me yours!" I cannot wait to hear what this fortune he was reluctant to tell said. I figured it would prove me right and him wrong about something. Finally he reads it to me.

BEFORE YOU RECEIVE, YOU MUST GIVE. ...in bed.

"Mmm, hmmm!!" I say with a sarcastic disappointed look on my face, "totall..." i don't even finish the word when all of a sudden he makes a shocked look on his face and i gasp. Oops!  I totally forgot my promise! I covered my mouth and said "sorry! sorry! I forgot!  i can't help myself!"

We opened some others, laughed a lot as we added "in bed" to all of them, and went back to our desks.

I thought about the irony of those two fortunes. Mine spoke of my love being special.  Something I really needed to hear. I do believe my love is special, but why do I choose to share it with someone who can only give half of himself?  Not even half!  I get the left overs.  The left over time in the office, the texting when no one's around, the 2 hours or so when he can come over that he is supposedly at the gym. It hurts so bad I don't know if its really worth it anymore.  I don't deserve that! But then i think how hes always there for me.  When i need him, he's there... to talk to, to listen, whatever I need. Sometimes I'm afraid to ask him for things, and sometimes I feel like the selfish one. Most of the time, he seems like the selfish one in my eyes, but when i think of how he is my friend, he is always giving.

Which brings me to my next point.  His fortune. "Before you receive, you must give." Let's explore this "in bed."
Honestly, he makes me feel unattractive sometimes because he doesn't explore or devour my body like every other man has. Guys love my body! They ravish me! But my muffin man... he waits for me to do the ravishing.  It seems that I feel more comfortable in the dominating role with him, and it just "fits", but he has no interest in exploring my body.  I have found spots on him that get him excited HE never even knew about.  And I know of spots on me that other men have found, and muffin man has NO clue about.  I don't think he even has any desire to know about them either. It really hurts...

His fortune is also apropos in that when I collect for charity, for example, I bring it to work and collect there. Again, he has no interest.  What a turn off. Seriously. You spend $200 a month to belong to a top of the line gym, but can't give $20 or even $5 to help someone in need? It bothers me. I am used to presents and gifts and cards... we're not talking big expensive things here, just a little something...often.  Show me you love me! IN SOME WAY!  JUST SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME! GIVE! MORE THAN YOUR EAR!

I have given him my whole heart, my time, my thoughts, gifts, little cards, letters, etc. I just wish he would do the same. I love him SO much... my love is SPECIAL... why not share it??? 

I am so hopelessly in love with this man... I don't get it.

EXPOSED

It's kind of weird that the muffin man reads my posts. Imagine you are at work, and your "boss" is also your best friend. And lover.

He knows me so well... He knows my work habits, my intelligence, my reactions, my goals, my education, my feelings, my habits, my hang ups, my issues, my naked body, what kind of lover I am, what kind of parent I am, what kind of friend I am...

But my blogs are my deepest, most inner thoughts directly from my soul! My thoughts and feelings pouring onto the computer. Its easy to do that when your readers are strangers. (Which I didn't even expect to have by the way) I'm very open and honest and I hold nothing back.

My soul is exposed.

Now you can imagine the type of relationship we have that I could open myself up like that to him. It says a lot about him as well.

ACCEPTING
UNDERSTANDING
PATIENT
LOVING
GENTLE
COMPASSIONATE

I think this may be why I am dependant on him and put expectations on him he can't handle... I have completely entrusted him with my life.

But ya know what? He's taken care of me and always wants more... I don't wanna pass that up. At least not right now. I know I could feel that way about someone else. Someone single. Someone full time.

BUT I WANT HIM!!!:(

so i was thinking...

This love is taking up a lot of my energy. My thoughts, my time, my plans. And when I think about it... It's kind of stupid. What am I doing? Why do I put all of this energy into something that's going nowhere?

Its like filling the gas tank in a broken down clunker! Then jumping the battery and getting behind the wheel revving the engine over and over! Come on, go! START!

How stupid is that? I mean really... What am I doing?

(Obviously the roller coaster is on its way down now... Before long, we'll be back up again.)

Spimoni... that is me.

A fellow blogger wrote: "Will I always have an affair? Probably. I need that excitement of discovering someone new. The electricity between 2 persons, the wanting, the craving. After having a taste of it, I want more."

Wow. God, I pray that I will never be the "excitement" someone craves and nothing else. I understand the complications of everything but if my muffin man were to truly feel that way about me, i would be crushed.  I want to be "chosen."

It's like this:

Someone offers you vanilla ice cream. You like it! You love in fact! its a treat you indulge in, each night after dinner. years of this, you are in your routine. you expect that vanilla ice cream each night. you can always rely on it.  its comforting.

then one day someone else comes along and says, hey, ya know there are so many other flavors of ice cream! try them!  so you try chocolate, coffee, mint chocolate chip... you start to discover there are hundreds of flavors!  this excites you.  Then one day you get to a unique flavor, like spimoni. its pistachio, chocolate, and cherry mixed together... nuts, cream, chocolate, and fruit chunks... (that is me. a unique collection of flavors.)

this is your new flavor of choice.  it's more pricey and rare but you like it. you love it in fact! why go back to the plain vanilla?  this new flavor is exciting, decadent, thrilling... you discovered something so rare, so exciting,so different than what you ever knew.

then one night you open the freezer and see the vanilla sitting there. the memories, the comfort, the familiarity...

you think, hmm... that is my comfort ice cream.  always there when i want it. never disappoints me.  can put it on anything. maybe this spimoni will grow old and i won't care for it anymore, but the vanilla will never get old. so you decide you'll keep the vanilla, and have the spimoni on special occasions. when you want some excitement.

But one day... maybe the exciting flavor will become something new. a different flavor perhaps. who knows? 

I am Spimoni, no doubt about it. My muffin man's Spimoni.

"Will I always have an affair? Probably. I need that excitement of discovering someone new. The electricity between 2 persons, the wanting, the craving. After having a taste of it, I want more."

my deepest fear

Let's start with last wednesday night. We're at work, chit chatting in his office. I look in his eyes, he looks in mine... We want each other. NOW. So he rushes to my house. We're on my couch and probably within minutes, our lips touch. And its one of those kisses that is like a river of emotions flowing from his mouth to mine, with only a gentle touch of his lips to mine. A year ago, I told him: you have to kiss me like you're trying to tell me something! Now? His soul and my soul are taken away to a time we knew each other once before... A-ma-zing.
I was so worked up, I was ripping his clothes off licking and kissing him all over, holding his hands back over his head on the arm of the couch while I bit his inner thigh. I love when he yells ow! I don't know why I love it so much but I LOVE it! We were afraid to have sex because I had just had the abortion three weeks earlier and didn't have the ok from the dr yet, so I made sure to take care of him. It turns me on when he mudders phrases like "that feels so good" or "do you know how good you make me feel?" I was in the mood to just climb on top of him and fuck him like crazy! It was so satisfying though, flesh on flesh, grabbing, kissing, moaning, sweating, licking, sucking... I even got him to grab my hair and direct my mouth right where he wants it. It was hot.
Continuing to friday night... We were going to see a co worker play in his band. He came over to continue some more hot lovin'. The mood was different this time. He kissed me with more of a kiss that said, I love you, rather than I want you. And I showed him my love for him... With my mouth. :-) but all I wanted was to feel him inside me. So long story short... We played the "just for a minute" game. We knew what would happen. Why do we all play that game if we know it gets us in trouble?
Oh we made love. It's always amazing. Sex is so much better when you have that deep connection with the person. You just want to please each other and connect on every possible level.
Then we went to see the band. We left at different times. The plan was I leave first, he stays at my place an extra 20 minutes watching tv.

And here is where the story takes a turn...

My 13 year old daughter stops home to get clothes unexpectedly! AGH!! I turn around speed home call him, he hides in my closet, she sees his car... Busted. She was furious that I wouldn't even let her in the house. I panicked! She leaves, I come back in, and he says "I don't know how much more I can handle this"

My heart sank. I tried to explain that all single mothers deal with this and he eventually got over it. We went to the bar, I sat with him and another friend from work. It was so comfortable, we could actually be ourselves. I sat between his legs on his stool, put my arm around him, talked for hours. Our friend said we looked so cute, he had to tale a picture. I wish I could post it but I can't.

And here is my fear:

Finally right?

I was so happy and satisfied with my time with him, I didn't have that NEED and longing for him like I usually do. It scared me. Usually I have the need to speak to him but all weekend I lived my life as he lived his and I felt like if I didn't speak to him or see him anymore it wouldn't effect me.

WHAH???? How could I feel that way? What is wrong with me? And all I could think of was: does he feel the same way?

And THAT scared me!

Today he was distant, or maybe he was normal... I don't know. And after seeing him today, I imagined my life without him, and I started to freak out! Thus started our cycle again of how our fights begin and end. Begin with my fear of rejection and abandonment, and end in making love.


Rather exhausting.